Can’t Put a Price on Loyalty
Grocery clerk: Care for a lemon bar?
Woman: Oh, sure. Thank you.
Grocery clerk: Good, huh?
Woman: Very good.
Grocery clerk: Glad to hear it. Thanks for stopping by. You, sir, care for a lemon bar?
James Harrison: What are these?
Grocery clerk: Lemon bars. Little lemon pastries. From this new organic line that we carry. Go ahead and try one.
James Harrison: [Picks one up and takes a bite] That’s not bad. So what’s this? Sample stand? Meaning anybody can come up and try these?
Grocery clerk: Yes, of course they can.
James Harrison: [Spits mouthful of lemon bar at woman] ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME, GROCERY BITCH!? YOU MEAN, IF THEY WANTED, THE ARIZONA CARDINALS COULD JUST WALK UP HERE AND TRY THESE LEMON BARS!?
Grocery clerk: [Wipes lemon bar off face] They’re free samples. So, yes, the Arizona Cardinals could have some if they wanted.
James Harrison: [Flips over sample table and sucker punches woman in the kidney] Bullshit. Why should I have this food if any fucking punk could just waltz up in here and have their way with this shit? Like it’s the town bike or something. Where’s the loyalty? You should’ve made these lemon bars with the express purpose of my consumption. Set out and said to yourself, “I need to make some lemon bars for James Harrison.” And then you set up this stand and tell anybody who passes by, “Sorry, these lemon bars aren’t for you, unless you’re James Harrison. And if you are James Harrison, it don’t matter if you just won the Super Bowl or not. You still get a lemon bar.” Make all that plain from Jump Street. Me? I don’t put any food in me that’s not loyal food. Could be toxic sabotaging food agents swarming through my body, diving at my cells’ knees and shit.
[Walks up grocery aisle]
All around me, disloyal food. Sitting here, waiting to be consumed by just anyone, whether they win the Super Bowl or not. Look at this box of Honey Smacks.
Man, you fucking whore frog. Any clown can come up in here and get a taste, huh? Don’t need to know where that spoon has been. Makes me wanna make you puke blood. This open attitude on food might be cool for somma y’all suckers. Well y’all can keep that shit.
[Punches hole straight through box]
Busted ass anybody food. I need to see meals that have demonstrated a solid commitment to me from the start. Not some snack that come up on me, see me shine, see me winning on the big stage and then decide, “Hey, maybe this Super Bowl winning linebacker can cram me down his gullet.” Fuck that. Where’s the trust?
SEE, THIS IS WHAT THE FUCK I’M TALKING ABOUT
Finally, someone who knows where I’m coming from. Who been there through the struggle. True food.
[Takes entire inventory]
Cashier: Hello, sir. Find everything all right?
James Harrison: [Slams down box of bars] Yeah.
[Cashier rings up product while another another person gets in line behind Harrison]
James Harrison: [Whips around] Who are you?
Customer: Huh? I’m in line.
James Harrison: [Back to cashier] You gonna help this guy?
Cashier: After I’m done with you, of course.
James Harrison: [Throws cashier to the ground and knees her in the back of the head] Don’t nobody know about loyalty in this world.
Tags: i'm still gay for james harrison even if he is crazy or stupid, picksburgh stillers, xmas ape
May 19th, 2009 at 8:19 am
there’s a disease that affects pittsburgh steeler linebackers. it got porter, now it’s getting harrison. FIX YO DISLOYALTY!!!
May 19th, 2009 at 8:50 am
James Harrison ought to realize that the only person who loves him for him is his wife – and if he’s this stupid around the house, it wouldn’t surprise me if Leinart’s giving her the business on the side.
May 19th, 2009 at 9:00 am
You mean you’ll give anyone with the winning lottery ticket the $100 Million? Forget it, I don’t want that money.
May 19th, 2009 at 9:05 am
He sounds a lot like Chad Johnson.
May 19th, 2009 at 9:07 am
See, this is exactly why I only drink Lone Star Beer.
May 19th, 2009 at 9:15 am
LEAVE CHOCO TACO FOR BEN BIG ANGRY MAN!
May 19th, 2009 at 9:17 am
James Harrison’s 10 kids thank him for not being a Trojan
May 19th, 2009 at 9:31 am
True food.
lofty food.
/shows self out.
May 19th, 2009 at 9:32 am
[Punches hole straight through box]
Yeah, right! If he were able to do that at the combine, maybe he could have been drafted.
May 19th, 2009 at 9:34 am
Great work, Ape.
May 19th, 2009 at 9:38 am
I was waiting for this post for a while and ape did a great job with it. That was such an incredibly asinine reaction by Harrison. For once I agreed with PK on something.
May 19th, 2009 at 9:44 am
I bet it kills Harrison to play for one of the biggest bandwagon teams out there. Fix yo busted ass anybody team!
May 19th, 2009 at 9:45 am
Steelers are fags.
May 19th, 2009 at 9:49 am
Bra-Fuckin-Vo!
May 19th, 2009 at 9:52 am
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/steelers_jersey_worn_to?utm_source=onion_rss_daily
QUIT PICKING ON US!
/laughs when people call the Steelers a bandwagon team. Because apparently they were really unpopular until a few years ago? Uh, sure.
May 19th, 2009 at 9:56 am
even if he is crazy or stupid
I fail to see why this is an either/or situation.
May 19th, 2009 at 9:57 am
Just out of curiosity, why was Polamalu handing out free samples?
May 19th, 2009 at 10:00 am
Anyone else remember when Honey Smacks were called Sugar Smacks?
May 19th, 2009 at 10:00 am
“James Harrison ought to realize that the only person who loves him for him is his wife”
you mean the one who’s cell phone he ripped in half and who he slammed into a wall?
its ok, though, bc he only did it because he wanted to get his son baptised. Dan Rooney said so.
domestic violence aside, I, too am gay for James Harrison. 2 training camps ago I watched a feature on Steeler TV in which Jeff Reed was “hazing” Daniel Sepulveda by making him wear a pink backpack. Reed was interviewing players about their own hazing experiences, and a dead-faced, disdainful Silverback informed the viewers that when he was a rookie, Jason Gildon tied him to a goalpost and set him on fire.
May 19th, 2009 at 10:10 am
“And I don’t like the contraction ‘apostrophe-E-M’. As far as I’m concerned, his name is ‘Dig Them’. You’re not welcome here, Dig Them!”
May 19th, 2009 at 10:21 am
UU. I do. What are these Honey Smacks? Weren’t they Super Sugar Smacks? Must be we had to go all PC on the “sugar”.
May 19th, 2009 at 10:24 am
@boatdrinks, I think you are right, just like Kentucky Fired Chicken being called KFC
May 19th, 2009 at 10:25 am
+1 for this
May 19th, 2009 at 10:30 am
Wait until Harrison realizes all those fans waving terrible towels are only cheering him because he’s on the Steelers. I hope he goes into the stands.
May 19th, 2009 at 10:34 am
Maybe a James Harrison grocery stores isn’t a bad idea. I really don’t want to take the chance of that man being anywhere near me.
May 19th, 2009 at 10:43 am
The sad thing is that James Harrison would probably love this post because it was written with him in mind.
Much like the laws for committing the mentally unstable to a psychiatric facility.
May 19th, 2009 at 11:08 am
Actually, Boatdrinks, you’re probably thinking of Super Sugar Crisp, which became Golden Crisp some years ago. Honey Smacks were originally just Sugar Smacks, then Honey Smacks, and for a brief period just Smacks, which I’m sure Chris Brown would start his morning with.
/cereal coin-uh-sooer
//misses C3PO’s
May 19th, 2009 at 11:10 am
Oh, and if James Harrison becomes a free agent, is he ever going to punch out his new GM for the crime of “just signing any free agent who walks in here?”
May 19th, 2009 at 11:14 am
I remember Sugar Smacks. Why I’m so old, I remember when Fruity Pebbles were black and white!
/Shows self door.
//Really loves Fruity Pebbles.
May 19th, 2009 at 11:26 am
@Ape
Because apparently they were really unpopular until a few years ago? Uh, sure.
Nope, there’s just ungodly amount of guys across the country that go shopping for a team and end up with Pittsburgh despite having no relationship to the city of Pittburgh (population ~311,000), anybody on the team, any other Pittsburgh fan. Wouldn’t be a big deal if they didn’t try so hard to prove they belong.
I have no problem with the choco taco-loving organization. I do have a problem with my boss who is a “Huge Pittsburgh Fan” yet has never been to PA and and spent his entire life in Kansas.
May 19th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Maybe the guy doesn’t like Obama, but he doesn’t want to piss off the Rooneys (aka the big Obama backers who pay his salary) so he spins it like this. Maybe he doesn’t like any politicians. Maybe he doesn’t like anything that’s white, including houses. Whatever the reason, I don’t see why this bothers people. The guy isn’t doing a damn thing to anyone.
May 19th, 2009 at 11:35 am
You mean Pam Oliver and Andrea Kramer will just interview ANY NFL player?!
May 19th, 2009 at 11:43 am
gootch: He refused to go when Bush was there too.
Maybe James is one of those guys who get those Republican scare-tactic flyers in his screen door the week before election: “People with unpaid tickets or outstanding warrants who show up to vote will be arrested” and stays home.
/it’s a trap
May 19th, 2009 at 11:50 am
He doesn’t want his SB ring either. As far as he’s concerned, they would have given the rings to the Cardinals if they’d won.
May 19th, 2009 at 11:54 am
porky1: it didn’t cause much of a stink last time around, did it? i don’t remember any sportscenter features on this last time around, and certainly I don’t remember the Stiller shills turning on him like this. Why does it bother people so much now? Surely Obama won’t be offended… I don’t see why anyone else should be either.
May 19th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
I don’t think anyone’s offended at his skipping the ceremony. People are offended at what he passes off as a reason for doing so.
He’s a moron and he deserves to be mocked.
May 19th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
@porky1
I thought that was Porter, although I could be wrong.
May 19th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
I don’t think anyone’s offended at his skipping the ceremony. People are offended at what he passes off as a reason for doing so.
“I think Dr. Whatley converted to Judaism purely for the jokes!”
“And this offends you as a Jewish person?”
“No, it offends me as a comedian.”
May 19th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Excuse me, where are the Burns-Os?
/ketchup? catsup?
May 19th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
“Busted ass anybody food.”
Thanks Ape. I now have a new name for the lousy baloney sandwich waiting for me in the break room fridge.
May 19th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Doctor: Now, Mr. Harrison, during the surgery, you’ll be receiving blood.
Harrison: Whoa, whoa, what now? Getting blood? Would you give this blood to anyone? Even members of the Cardinals?
Doctor: Yes, we infuse blood into all patients during such a procedure to sustain organ function and prevent death.
Harrison: Forget that. Give it to some one who didn’t lose the Superbowl.
May 19th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
otto: agreed that the stated reason is a goofy one. Either this means he’s a genuine retard or that there’s a real reason he’s not sharing. Perhaps because it might be even less popular.
Never got the sense that Harrison was dull-witted before, so I think there’s something else going on, but hey, slow news week, so carry on with the pile-on.
May 19th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
“I do have a problem with my boss who is a “Huge Pittsburgh Fan” yet has never been to PA and and spent his entire life in Kansas.”
I mean, how in the world does a guy from Kansas even follow the Steelers? And don’t give me any of that “NFL Sunday Ticket/4 national networks/1 huge cable network/1 NFL Network/internet” bullshit.
May 19th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
@gootch
Dude. Nobody’s offended. We’re all too busy laughing for that shit.
May 19th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Lil’ Lebowski:
If I had to guess, I’d say your boss is around 40-45 years old. In his formative years (mid-to-late-70’s), he decided he liked the Steelers because they were the NFL’s best team back then, and it was likely that all his friends (and his dad) were either Cowboys fans or less probably Chiefs or St. Louis Cardinals fans (WAY less probably.) So he bandwaggoned the Steelers and eventually slowed down his love of football until a few years ago when he started approaching middle age, got into football more heavily as an excuse to drink and avoid the wife, and discovered fantasy leagues. And fortunately, Pittsburgh was good again, so he didn’t have to pick a new team.
So technically, a lifelong Stillers fan.
May 19th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
I don’t drink the Obama Koolaid but if I had the chance to meet the guy or any president, for that matter, I would take it…..what a moron.
Except for Polk, Arthur and Fillmore….those guy’s were massive douches.
May 19th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Hey there. Would you like to get a free tour of the White House and meet the president and have a photo op and be the top story on Pittsburgh’s ACTION NEWS STATION?
No?
Oh, I guess you’re too busy catching your breath after returning a pick 100 yards and being out at the 1.
May 19th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
But the Steelers were invited to the White House when they didn’t win the Super Bowl, back in 2006.
/will be bitter for life
May 19th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
@ porky1: Pretty much dead-on except he only does fantasy baseball and if I was married to his wife, I’d look for every opportunity to drink too.
I guess the question is, “Is it cool to pick whatever team you want to root for?” or are you stuck like Leitch to the hometown/regional team even if you and/or they move.
My guess is that some teams that have a large following beyond their regional area (Notre Dame, Raiders, Yankees, Cubs, Steelers) do so as much because of their ‘branding’ than anything they do on the field. The team they want to be associated with is no different than the brand of jeans they wear.
May 19th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
It’s fine to pick which team to root for, as long as you don’t double dip or switch alliegances barring the team moving. There are any number of reasons for a person to pick a team, winners, jerseys, players, etc. There’s a guy I know who’s a lifetime Cowboys fan despite living his entire life in the Pittsburgh area due to Tony Dorsett. Was he happy when the Steelers won the Super Bowl? Hell no.
May 19th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Nobody cared when he didn’t go meet Bush because lots of people didn’t want to meet Bush. But Obama is the sprinkle fairy hero who receives the prayers of all journalists at night so the idea of someone who doesn’t give a shit about meeting him is like someone putting a cigarette out in their eye.
I think it’s actually pretty simple: He doesn’t give a shit about the president. The president is obliged to shake hands the SB winner and make meaningless small talk for a few minutes. He does not consider this worth going to DC for. End of story. Ask him again and he’ll rape your wife. Admirable. Lofty ideals.
May 19th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
@ Dole
Now it makes sense, thanks!
May 19th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
@Dole Something a tad negative about Mr. Obama? Be prepared for the dogpiling of your life.
May 19th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
“Ask him again and he’ll rape your wife.”
This is the kind of PoFlaWa I approve of.
May 19th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
HGH plays havoc with a man’s mind…
May 19th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
……Now you have to make James Harrison’s KSK.com.
It will be the only site he visits…………and Myspace.
May 19th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
@ Jerry
James K. Polk was an awesome president – most underrated of all time.
FoPresFlaWa
May 19th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
@ Kyle- I guess you are blind or just another misguided Bucs fan who doesn’t know the rules to football. What’s funnier is that so many Bucs season ticket holders gave up their seats that the team has to advertise the selling of season tickets. Hilarious.
May 19th, 2009 at 8:36 pm
+40 The_Internet
May 20th, 2009 at 1:16 am
What’s your point, G.I.F.?
Are you cracking on me or on the fans of a team that finished on an 0-4 run, gutted the front office, released the most popular player in team history (and yes, I know he was getting old), and drafted a project at the most important position on the field? Shame on those fans for not wanting to pay thousands of dollars to sit there and watch a team lose double digit games while being sold Kool-Aid that it will all be better soon. Meanwhile, the owners are struggling to meet the salary floor.
Back on topic, Harrison should have just explained his real reason (fear of flying) in the first place. But he made an ass out of himself. Hilarious.
May 20th, 2009 at 9:31 am
Great stuff.
May 20th, 2009 at 11:10 am
Harrison is just pissed because the White House has a Bears fan in it.
May 20th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
That cashier is kind of hot.
May 20th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
James K. Polk was an awesome president – most underrated of all time.
Sure, if you like wars of conquest. Gore Vidal had it right when he described him as “our first conquistador.”
May 22nd, 2009 at 3:07 pm
bix x:
I bet he turned down that winners-only Super Bowl bonus money he got, too.
“You mean, if Santonio Holmes doesn’t make that catch, the Cardinals would have gotten this extra cash?”