Bonus Fun With Peter King: Only In America
Two nights ago Peter King held a charity auction for Paul Zimmerman which raised, according to King, more than $150,000 for Dr. Z’s recovery. I’m glad this event took place, because I hope Dr. Z gets better. More importantly, it gives us a chance to make fun of Peter’s write-up of the event. Join me, won’t you? Bidding for this post begins at $7,564,908.07…
First, a Twitter recap from Peter…
Zim benefit: Yes, we raised more than 150k. No one knows how much is needed to get him back–or whether he will get back.
You see, strokes are like chemistry…
This gives hope.
$150K for hope? For that much money, I want Dr. Z to be able to fucking JUGGLE CARS. I haven’t seen this much money tossed at false hope since the Obama campaign. HEY-O!!!!!!!
Now to the column…
Wonderful event Monday night at Mayfair Farms here in North Jersey.
Here’s some promo copy from the Mayfair Farms site:
A sweeping entry drive sets the tone for your guests to arrive in style at our 19th Century mansion. Situated on fourteen beautiful acres of landscaped lawns and gardens, Mayfair Farms has earned its’ reputation by consistently providing high quality affairs to customers seeking excellence in fine catering. We offer you and your guests over 60 years of experience, excellent food personalized service and attention to every detail.
BUT YOU FUCKED UP THE COFFEE! ATTENTION TO DETAIL MY ASS! YOU CALL THIS A HIGH QUALITY AFFAIR?!
There’s an old saying about great things getting done when no one cares who gets the credit.
So let me just write a national column about the awesome fundraiser I ORGANIZED.
the New York wine community came out in force to share stories of Zim and their fabulous wine (Tom Coughlin sampled an ‘85 Bordeaux and was over the moon about it)
(door flies open)
SERGEANT COUGHLIN: YOU LITTLE PUKES! LOUNGING AROUND A COUNTRYSIDE ESTATE ON YOUR FAT ASSES AT A BENEFIT?! I WILL BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH MY COCK! Say, is this the ‘85 Bordeaux? Ooh, it’s lovely! Very robust. MAYBE IF THE ’87 BURGUNDY HADN’T BEEN LATE, IT WOULD BE ABLE TO FUCKING COMPETE. YOU HAD BEST UNFUCK YOURSELF, GEORGES DEBOUF!
Where to begin?
I DID NOT USE MY CAR TO GET TO THIS EVENT. I TOOK A CAB. APPLAUD ME.
Yogi Berra and Dick Ebersol sat next to each other at the NBC table. When I introduced Yogi as the greatest living baseball player in the United States…
Yogi Berra? Really? Was Willie Mays hit by a cement mixer last night?
everyone began clapping,
I AM THE APPLAUSE SPURRER.
…and Ebersol stood, and then everyone stood. Standing O for Yogi at the Zim function. Only in America.
What a country.
Rex Ryan, who is going to be good at the story-telling part of the job, believe me, spun a good yarn about Zim…
I did not realize storytelling was an important part of coaching. This is why Dick LeBeau has been around so long.
Vikings coach Brad Childress did a campy six-minute DVD,
Excuse me while I push my eyes into my brain.
…opening by ripping me for my horse crap mock-drafting ability and begging Zim to come back so SI will finally get the mock-drafting right. Cute. Actually a little bit funny.
But not Caliendo funny.
Bill Belichick’s presence was felt
That’s because of the cameras.
And an anonymous person with a heart of gold — you know who you are, because I know you’re reading this right now
It’s YOU, Jack Bowers!
And WFAN’s Mike Francesa’s donation of Mets and Yanks tickets, and a trip to his show in Queens, raked in a total of $6,900.
But Francesca’s sauce in Tamper Bay told him the bidding would reach $13,000. You questioning his sauces?
Sal Paolantonio coming from south Jersey, and Adam Schefter from Long Island, and the New York Times’ brainy football blogger, K.C. Joyner, who flew here from Florida to attend, and Football Outsiders guru Aaron Schatz, who drove from Massachusetts — all to be on a panel to educate the crowd about all things football. (Spoiler alert for all you Charger fans: Joyner and Schatz study this game 26 hours a day, and they like your Super Bowl chances.)
ANY TEAM THAT IS NOT THE CHARGERS WHO WINS THE SUPER BOWL NEXT YEAR IS JUST A GODDAMN FLUKE.
Just a few things about the bids on this auction. Amazing.
Lofty.
Lunch for two with Tedy Bruschi and me: $5,150. Lunch with me and Boston Globe writer Mike Reiss: $2,950. (Wear a very nice suit, Mike.) And my personal favorite: someone gets to buy me beer at a Red Sox game this summer … and paid $3,300 for the privilege of watching it with me.
That’s a grand total of $11,400 for meals with Peter King. Do not expect him to share his Kit Kat with you.
And they loved your boxing gloves, Ron Borges
Stolen from another writer, I imagine.
Have I heard one talk-show host or columnist scream that if Donte Stallworth is found guilty of vehicular manslaughter, and found to have been driving over the legal limit, he should never be allowed to play football again? No.
Allow me to. If Donte Stallworth is found guilty of vehicular manslaughter, and found to have been driving over the legal limit, he should never be allowed to play football again.
From Peter Jackson, of Atlanta: “No good reason why Vick shouldn’t be reinstated? God, you’re a fat [expletive deleted] idiot.”
This is what you do with your time instead of directing The Hobbit, Jackson? I’m okay with that.
From Anthony Bagnette, of Sydney, Australia… I love life and dogs more then the NFL
Fuck you, you wombat-eater. The NFL’s way important than life and dogs.
From Jason, of Scarborough, Maine: “You don’t think there is any good reason for Mike Vick not to be reinstated to play in the NFL this fall? I challenge, hell, I dare you to use your online column space to go head-to-head with someone with the opposite viewpoint. My guess? You pick anyone with five working neurons and a pulse, and they will make you look like a buffoon.”
GET THAT MAN A FREE COFFEE.
From Mateo Pearson, of Austin, Texas: “If Michael Vick ’served his time’ in a federal penitentiary why would the NFL not reinstate him? Your hypocrisy continues to shine every week. We are still waiting on your comments on what an egotistical maniac Favre is. But we all know that is not going to happen. You would never speak the truth about your good ol’ boys in the NFL.”
I think I like PK’s readership more than I originally thought.
May 20th, 2009 at 11:36 am
When does KSK start the auctions to raise funding to hire an assassin for PK?
May 20th, 2009 at 11:37 am
Anyone else catch PK’s Jesus Christ references vis-a-vis Michael Vick? Brett Favre, move over.
May 20th, 2009 at 11:38 am
$150K could buy a lot of pudding.
May 20th, 2009 at 11:40 am
Where was Chris Russo? The fundraiser could have used him, he is so “incendiary”.
May 20th, 2009 at 11:40 am
Ehh, this is nice, but where is the Mike-Vick-gets-out-of-prison post?
May 20th, 2009 at 11:41 am
That’s because nobody would know Yogi Berra’s name in a civilized country.
May 20th, 2009 at 11:42 am
did Childress’ video involve the Land Baron and his huge tracts of land running and laughing and holding hands?
Cause if so Drew needs to see that. Hell all of Wisconsin needs to see that to give them a triple heart attack!
May 20th, 2009 at 11:42 am
King on Gruden jilting the NFL Network:
‘Now it’s back to ground zero in its search for a voice to pair with Papa.’
Wait…what?
May 20th, 2009 at 11:46 am
Only in America….can a dumb fuck who thinks that Yogi fuckin’ Berra is the greatest living baseball player be a sportswriter for a prominent sports magazine.
May 20th, 2009 at 11:47 am
Here’s a gem from the original column:
Coughlin: “Oh, I’ve had my ass ripped by Dr. Z, and I’m in good company.”
I can see why you chose to ignore that one, Drew. The image of Zimmerman cornholing Coughlin is going to haunt me forever.
May 20th, 2009 at 11:48 am
@Tracer Bullet
Bullshit- they get cartoons overseas too!
May 20th, 2009 at 11:58 am
I didn’t know that Hank Aaron was dead either. Does King, like Twitter, have the power to kill people now?
May 20th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
UU-
Especially when you consider the fact that $240 will buy you an awful lot as well.
/Awwwww-Yeaaah
May 20th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
+100 UU
We had the $240, We had to have the pudding. Oh Yeah!
May 20th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Damn you AP. Now I look like a copier
May 20th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
I haven’t seen this much money tossed at false hope since the Obama campaign. HEY-O!!!!!!!
Technically, the hope was real. As is some of the disappointment.
May 20th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Coughlin: “Oh, I’ve had my ass ripped by Dr. Z, and I’m in good company.”
With a bunch of whores in Singapore?
http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2008/07/dr-z-remembers.html
May 20th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Strokes are brutal. The sad truth is that Dr. Z is likely only to make the slightest of incremental improvements at this point. The strokes deprived parts of his brain of oxygen, and as such they are now non-functional, never coming back. This is reality. It sucks, but Dr. Z always struck me as a hardass who wouldn’t have tolerated a lot of mushy false hope. That $150,000 could start a number of sports programs for inner city youth, which seems like a much better legacy for the old man than dragging him through a bunch of therapy that is unlikely to yield any real results.
May 20th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
I had an idea that Coughlin was a huge dick, but this is beyond belief: “Coughlin approached Paul Zimmerman … at the start of the night and said, ‘Missed you at the league meetings this year. You didn’t chew me out about anything.”
Funny how strokes that debilitate a person’s ability to speak or use language will do that. What a dick.
May 20th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
All the e-mailers who talked shit to PK were sockpuppet accounts of Drew.
May 20th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Yogi Berra? Really?
I am so fucking livid at this statement
Berra?
YOU FUCKING FUCK
May 20th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Yogi Berra and Dick Ebersol sat next to each other at the NBC table. When I introduced Yogi as the greatest living baseball player in the United States…
Stan Musial is on line one for you, Peter.
May 20th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
How can someone who is around sports and it is there job to do this crap, be so stupid about the main sport he covers but all sports?
@Dan – But if we take out PK……what will replace this great weekly column that I oh so enjoy? Plus what will sustain me? I live off of hate. I would prefer we get that person who bid to watch a game and have a beer with him to kick in the balls and steal his wallet. We get the enjoyment of him whining about it.
May 20th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
@LBofH
Sorry, reading the post making fun of King on here is great. I thought about it- which is preferable- a world with no King or a world where I can’t read KSK’s mockery of King… Still want him dead
May 20th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
I guess Joe Morgan, Stan Musial, Frank Robinson, Rickey Henderson and Johnny Bench all bit it recently.
May 20th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
“someone gets to buy me beer at a Red Sox game this summer … and paid $3,300 for the privilege of watching it with me.”
DOOR FLIES OPEN
Windell Middlebrooks: oh HELL no
May 20th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
@Vandyville: Stan Musial is on line one for you, Peter.
Willie Mays is on line 2. And I think he’s on conference call with Hank Aaron.
May 20th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
everybody fahkin’ knows Yaz is the greatest player alive. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
May 20th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
@Homeless: You beat me to it. Did Mike Schmidt and Lou Brock die as well?
May 20th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Hell we haven’t even mentioned pitchers…what about Nolan Ryan, Sandy Koufax (I think he is still alive), Mike Schmidt (okay he just popped into my head, I know he played 3B), and Bob Gibson?
May 20th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
here you go guys, know yourselves out
http://www.whosaliveandwhosdead.com/l_bbhof.asp
May 20th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
I just happened to be visiting with the Redhead last night and visited with Doctor Z. here’s what he had to say about Peter King.
” Nyahs hefol wahutf kund blefj syahn docg.” Doc Z’s still got it!
May 20th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
It’s about time MMQB (Tuesday Edition) is on here. Some of his responses to emails are gold. I’m surprised it took this long. Good work.
May 20th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Ted Williams will once again be the greatest living baseball player once they figure out how to cure decapitation and thaw out his head.
May 20th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Is Pujols dead? How about that queer A-Rod? I’m no baseball expert (though I play one on TV) but I’d go out on a limb and say they’re better than Yogi in his best season.
Leave it to PK to MC an event with his head up his ass.
May 20th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
*knock, not know
May 20th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
I am constantly amazed to hear that Yogi Berra is still alive. I swear to you, I thought he had died in the ’70s.
And… now I want pudding, but no way to get it right now. Thanks a lot.
May 20th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Storytelling > Chemistry
Yogi Berra? Really? This statement proves he’s ignorant in two sports.
May 20th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
…and the best part was rockin to Billy Squier!
/wondering if Dr. Z’s twitter page will look like Helen Keller’s
//strokes run in my family, so I can make these jokes (akin to Chris Rock using the n-word)
May 20th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Rickey thinks Rickey might have to kill this motherfucker.
May 20th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Pete Rose anyone?
And I thought it was great that Mayfair Farms, with their “attention to every detail”, had TWO typos in their description of themselves.
May 20th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
I heard PK thinks Dennis Green is the greatest living NFL coach.
May 20th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Thank you baseball fans for pulling the details of A DOZEN OR SO better than Yogi and still alive.
I particularly had trouble with PK snarking on “campy.” Hello, PK, this is your forte! You are campy personified! And “Cute. Actually a little bit funny.” W.T.F. So you have no sense of humor about yourself unless you are doing the spoofing?
And god, “26 hours a day”.? Please. Even coaches aren’t that wrapped up in football.
May 20th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Kuods to King and his self-congratulatory pals. $150,000 to help a wealthy old man with health insurance who had a stroke, while thousands of poor, young and/or uninsured people die of treatable diseases? That, my friends, is time and money well spent.
May 20th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Would anyone have ever even heard of Yogi Berra if not for:
a) His nickname
b) His propensity for mangling the English language
c) The fact that he played for the fucking Yankees
I think not.
May 20th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
BDD, weren’t you born in Australia? Or is wombat-eater a compliment to fellow Australians?
May 20th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
GoesTo11, don’t forget all the Yoo-hoo commercials he did.
And these facts: 15 time all-star, 3 time AL MVP, and managing 2 World series teams (1964 NYY and 1973 NYM)
May 20th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
“That’s because of the cameras.”
more disrespect for the greatest coach of all time, 5 time super bowl winner bill belichamp
May 20th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
@UU
Okay, he’s got the resume…Maybe my Yankees hate got the better of me. But “greatest living baseball player?” Even coming from the windsock that is PK, that’s asinine.
May 20th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
GT11, I agree Yogi Berra is not the greatest living baseball player and I’m a huge Yankees fan
May 20th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
I thought Johnny Damon was the greatest living baseball player?
May 20th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
When Pete introduced Yogi, what did he expect – a Bronx cheer?
May 20th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Yogi Berra was a former neighbor of PK’s in Montclair, NJ. His museum is also there. Now that PK is in Boston, he’ll probably suck up to Yaz or Carlton Fisk or Wade Boggs.
Even though this is an NFL site, I’ll rape this dead horse-hide further and say that Yogi Berra isn’t even the best living catcher- that’s probably Johnny Bench.
Brad Childress: why the fuck do you care about some sport writer assholes’ mock drafts? Go have a stroke and maybe I’ll bid on your campy DVD.
May 20th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
I thought Johnny Damon was the greatest living baseball player?
He’s the greatest current Jets QB.
May 20th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Yogi Berra isnt even the greatest living Yogi.
That honor, in fact, goes to Yogi Bear.
May 20th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
My goodness is this guy a douche. Drew, you were too easy on him.
May 20th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
I don’t know what’s worse, that King actually said that about Berra, or that every other moron in the place gave a standing ovation after that statement.
May 20th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
@Gino- I’d put my money on him starting to talk about how Jim Rice was “the most feared hitter in the league for eight years”.
May 20th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
King’s concentrated douchebaggery has gotten too strong for me to read it directly…my mind starts to wander in order to protect itself from idiocy infection. I totally missed the Charger comments on my first read.
With Drew’s help parsing the crappiness and his snarky asides, I am actually able to glean what limited useful information King offers.
May 20th, 2009 at 10:11 pm
Somebody better warn PK about Bob Feller, and how talkative he can get when he’s mad. When Babe Ruth made his last public appearance, he was leaning on Feller’s bat for support.
May 21st, 2009 at 1:35 am
You tell me he isn’t the greatest alive:
Yogi Bear is a fictional anthropomorphic bear who appears in animated cartoons created by Hanna-Barbera Productions. He made his debut in 1958 as a supporting character in The Huckleberry Hound Show. He was the first break-out character created by Hanna-Barbera Studios, and was eventually more popular than Huckleberry Hound. In 1961 he was given his own show, The Yogi Bear Show, which also included the segments Snagglepuss and Yakky Doodle. Hokey Wolf replaced his segment on The Huckleberry Hound Show. A musical animated feature film, Hey There, It’s Yogi Bear!, was produced in 1964
May 21st, 2009 at 3:19 pm
What was the final bid to fuck Bill Simmons wife?
May 28th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
They should have auctioned off 1 hour with Peter King listening to him play voice mails.