Behold The Legendary Wrestler of Secret
Ben Roethlisberger: HI BATCH!
Charlie Batch: Hey Ben.
Ben Roethlisberger: YOU KNOW TODAY IS FIVE-O DE MAY-O?
Charlie Batch: Yeah, you’re right. I guess it is.
Ben Roethlisberger: THAT MEAN WE GOTTA GET TOE UP FROM FLO’ UP
Charlie Batch: What now?
Ben Roethlisberger: DRUNK. MESSICAN-STYLE.
Charlie Batch: I dunno, man. I’m getting up there in years. My partying days are a little behind me, I think. Jeff Reed’s probably already at the bar though.
Ben Roethlisberger: BOOOOOOOO
Charlie Batch: Sorry, man.
Ben Roethlisberger: BOOOOOOOO
Charlie Batch: Look, man, I told you I was sorry.
Ben Roethlisberger: I WUZ SAYIN’ BOOOOOO-ATCH.
Charlie Batch: Gotcha… What do you have planned?
Ben Roethlisberger: THE BEN GOT THIS HERE LUNCHA LIBRE MASK. I THINK LUNCHA LIBRE MEAN FREE LUNCH, SO I WEAR MASK, I GET FREE GRUB ON. THEN START DRINK.
Charlie Batch: Uh, you might be confused. I think lucha libre is a type of wrestling.
Ben Roethlisberger: THE BEN HAVE TO WRESTLE FOR LUNCH?
Charlie Batch: Looks that way.
Ben Roethlisberger: THE BEN MUST BECOME BEN MYSERTIO JR., LEGENDARY WRESTLER OF SECRET!
Charlie Batch: But you just told me your identity.
Ben Roethlisberger: HARF HARF HARF. MUST FIND WAY TO THROW YOU OFF TRAIL
[Later]
Ben Roethlisberger: HI DIESEL
Brett Keisel: What’s up?
Ben Roethlisberger: CALLING IN FAVOR
Brett Keisel: But I don’t owe you a favor.
Ben Roethlisberger: THAT’S WHY I CALLS IT IN
Brett Keisel: Um, okay. What do you want?
Ben Roethlisberger: HOW WOULD THE BRETT LIKE TO BE THE BEN? I MAKES IT WORTH YOUR WHILE
[Later, during team drills]
Ben Mysterio Jr.: ONE SIDE, ONE SIDE, JABRONI.
Ben Mysterio Jr.: I, BEN MYSTERIO JR., ON THIS DAY, FIVE-O DE MAY-O, EXTEND OPEN CHALLENGE FOR FREE LUNCH TO ANY WHO DARE ACCEPT. WHO WILL STEP FORWARD TO TAKE ON LEGENDARY WRESTLER OF SECRET?
Brett Keisel: And, uh, I’m just, I mean, I IZ THE BEN, HANGING OUT OVER HERE AND NOT WHERE BEN MYSTERIO JR. IS AT. PEW PEW PEW, ETC.
Frank Summers: Free lunch sounds good. I’ll take that fight.
Ben Mysterio Jr.: A ROOKIE TANK HAS STEPPED INTO THE OCTAGON
Frank Summers: What Octagon? Where’s the Octagon?
Ben Mysterio Jr.: ROOKIE TANK HAS STEPPED INTO BATTLE ZONE WITH LOOSELY DEFINED BOUNDARIES
Teammates: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT
[Summers lunges at Mysterio, attempts to throw him down, but Ben shakes free of his grasp]
Frank Summers: Damn. This dude’s actually pretty tough to bring down.
[Mysterio scrambles around the field, occasionally breaking free of Summers' tackles. Summers eventually becomes fatigued and doubles over, and Ben pins him with his foot]
Ben Mysterio Jr.: I IZ TRIUMPH! NOW PREPARE TO BE SHOCKED WITH SURPRISE AS BEN MYSTERIO JR. SHOWS SELF [takes off mask] TO BE BEN ROETHLISBERGER
[Teammates feign surprise]
Ben Roethlisberger: NOW WHERE IS FREE LUNCH?
Mike Tomlin: At the mess hall, like every day.
Ben Roethlisberger: ALLLLLLL RRRRRIIIIIGGGGHHHHTTTTT! [Skips away gleefully]
Tags: ben rongrastname, giving you all what you want, gratuitous simpsons references, xmas ape
May 5th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
This is by far my favorite HARF HARF post ever.
Ed Bouchette is going to be one pissed-off beat reporter if he has to cover this all year.
May 5th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
I WUZ SAYIN’ BOOOOOO-ATCH.
I refuse to publicly acknowledge the brilliance of this post until Ape owns up and throws on the “gratuitous simpsons reference” tag. We all saw what you did there.
….GAH, I can’t hold it back. This was fucking awesome.
May 5th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
It needed Hines Wald as Mr. Fuji.
May 5th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
That one was actually sweet, aside from being pretty funny. The team pulls together to cover for their retarded little brother.
May 5th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
splendid. “DRUNK. MESSICAN-STYLE” Is how most people celebrate this holiday. It’s really not that big of a deal, it only celebrates them beating the French army.
May 5th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Ape, your mind is a brilliant, but frightening place.
HARF @ PEW, PEW, PEW, etc.
May 5th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Oh ape, I needed a good HARF today, and you came through.
May 5th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Ape, you have truly outdone yourself on this HARF post. I damn near soiled myself.
What Octagon? Where’s the Octagon? EXACTLY.
May 5th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Had me harfing out loud today. Check out Hines in the background of the one picture. He’s covering his one eye with his hat/helmet. Guess he was one-eyed Wirrie for the day.
May 5th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Ha! The Ben fooled you guys. That’s his new mortorcycle helmet.
May 5th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Harf @ PEW PEW PEW, etc.
/seconded.
Beetlejuice from Stern is #41 on the steelers now?
May 5th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
@Nestminder
I think that’s a cracked-out Lee Flowers
May 5th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Um, how does FIVE-O DE MAY-O get a whole post without a fucking Choco Taco reference?
Not sayin’, just sayin’.
May 5th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
This is the first one of these that was worth a damn…it says a lot about BigBen that riding him makes him seem like a good dude to hang out with (you all know you loved messing with the re-res in HS- we had this one who liked to put on hockey gear and chase the trim down the halls, he would later be found jerking off in the bathroom and wailing like a bnashee)…actually there are a few characters here that are actually enhanced by ridicule
May 5th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
@Yinzer B…Hines also looks like he has one of those retard hats on too. What a window licker!
May 5th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
Cinco de Mayo means you have an excuse for doing tequila shots, rather than just being a raging alcoholic.
Also, nice work. Definitely harfed.
May 5th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
@LFNR: Motorcycle helmet, indeed.
/HARF
May 5th, 2009 at 11:50 pm
@BostonWahoo: My thoughts exactly. Then again, that photo of Lucha Ben was a hanging curveball of comedy unparalleled in recent times (at least for a non-party-mode image). Could possibly be topped by photo of potentially-soon-to-be carpetbagger, now land baron, in full southern plantation wardrobe.
May 6th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
One of the better ones…
Too bad there was no hines comment in there.