Alonzo Spellman’s MayonnAIDS Has The Real Taste Of AIDS!

Hi, folks! I’m Alonzo Spellman, former defensive lineman for the Chicago Bears and star of the new direct to DVD documentary “Alonzo Spellman Strangles A Nun”. You might remember me from the time I began speaking in tongues when I played on special teams, or the time I tried to mummify my wife while she was still alive. CLOVES WILL MAKE YOU SMELL GOOD UNDERGROUND, DEAR.

You also might remember me from such successful lunch products as Alonzo Spellman’s Eye Loaf, Alonzo Spellman’s Pussy Spork, and Alonzo Spellman’s Spreadable Hooker Liver. But now, I have concocted perhaps my tastiest product of all!

spellmans

It’s Alonzo Spellman’s MayonnAIDS!

smiling_guy

Wow! Is that like Baconnaise, but with AIDS, Mr. Spellman?

Sure is! Finally, the great taste of mayonnaise and the great taste of AIDS, together! You’ve never tasted AIDS quite like this! Go on. Have a bite.

Wow! It’s so thick and creamy! And a little bit medicinal!

That’s that subtle, unmistakable flavor of AIDS you’re savoring! Made with fresh egg yolks, 100% pure vegetable oil, and full blown AIDS, Alonzo Spellman’s MayonnAIDS goes great with any kind of food. Spread it on ham and AIDS sandwiches! Serve it as a delicious dip! Inject it into a cellmate! It’s one condiment you’ll never get enough of!

Say, Mr. Spellman, am I supposed to have open pustules all over my body after eating it?

Yep! That lets you know it’s delicious! AIDSlicious!

I feel very cold all of a sudden. I feel like never eating again and curling my body into the shape of a question mark.

That’s MayonnAIDS, all right! Best of all, Alonzo Spellman’s MayonnAIDS is certified 100% organic! No harmful preservatives or chemicals. I get my AIDS from local growers, like Tamaya down the block. Freshest AIDS available! Try it in my delicious chicken salad recipe!

chinese-chicken-salad-2

1 cup Alonzo Spellman’s MayonnAIDS
1 cup chopped celery
2 tsp city puddle water
Gum
Hearts
Box of thumbtacks

Mix all the ingredients in a hollowed-out dog and serve. Mmmm, that’s good AIDS!

So don’t delay! Order some today and you’ll also get two free tubs of Alonzo Spellman’s cHIV cream cheese AND Alonzo Spellman’s cumgurt AT NO EXTRA COST.

What do you mean, you don’t like AIDS? YOU SHOULD. I WANT YOU TO HAVE AIDS BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO LIVE WITH THIS BY MYSELF. WELCOME TO THE WALKING DEAD. I WILL SEND YOU A VERY SMALL COFFIN TO SCARE YOU. YOU WILL DIE OF AIDS. SOON I WILL FIND A WAY TO GIVE IT TO YOU, SO YOU MAY AS WELL ENJOY A CRABCAKE WITH ME.

WHY IS THAT MAN IN MY TREE?

Order today!

Photoshop by Christmas AIDS, er, Ape.

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37 Responses to “Alonzo Spellman’s MayonnAIDS Has The Real Taste Of AIDS!”

  1. Upstate Underdog Says:

    you might need some rolAIDS after eating that chicken salad.

  2. Otto Man Says:

    This guy survived playing for the Lions. Nothing can kill him.

  3. Otto Man Says:

    you might need some rolAIDS after eating that chicken salad.

    Roger Staubach agrees.

  4. Christmas Ape Says:

    Drew hates mayo? So he likes his butter sandwiches plain?

  5. StuScottBooyahs Says:

    You make the world a brighter place, Drew.

  6. Upstate Underdog Says:

    seriously, I call bullshit on the “god i hate mayo” tag. I thought all pasty overweight white guys loved mayo and that they eat it straight from the jar.

  7. Slothrop Says:

    Does it come in a squeeze bottle? I find spreading works best when I can spurt gooey wet goodness all over.

  8. Steve Says:

    @ UU

    I can speak only for myself, but I’m a pasty overweight white guy who HATES mayo.

  9. johndewar Says:

    If only Spellman were that lucid to pitch as fine a product as this.

    /Spellman is batshit crazy

  10. LaFavre's Next Retirement Says:

    “Drew hates mayo? So he likes his butter sandwiches plain?”

    Is he Evis?

  11. jackin'4beats Says:

    Thanks for this post while I was eating lunch dude.

    /takes out rancid garbage can

  12. scottro Says:

    Bra-fucking-vo, once again, Big Daddy Balls. You’re gonna get my ass fired eventually.

  13. Chris Says:

    jeez Punte…

    wait, what?

  14. Ryno Says:

    WELCOME TO THE WALKING DEAD.

    Ah – he’s in Charlotte now. Well played

  15. jackin'4beats Says:

    This picture of Spellman is much scarier as it truly shows how insane he is. Can we use it please, huh please?

  16. jackin'4beats Says:

    HTML fail…

    This is the picture I was trying to embed: http://cache.daylife.com/imageserve/09vMd8Z6F63OP/610x.jpg

  17. Hatey McLife Says:

    Finally, someone is marketing spreadable hooker liver. I don’t have the patience to let in sit on the counter and soften up.

  18. StuScottBooyahs Says:

    seriously, I call bullshit on the “god i hate mayo” tag. I thought all pasty overweight white guys loved mayo and that they eat it straight from the jar.

    Drew is so mayo-phobic that he undoubtedly slathers every food item with a healthy layer of Hellman’s.

  19. Slothrop Says:

    @Hatey: Get yourself a good food processor, saves time and makes a surprisingly good salsa.

  20. jackin'4beats Says:

    Trying to embed again…

    If this doesn’t work, I’ll stop.

  21. Hatey McLife Says:

    @Slothrop I have a good food processor on the way, but she’s stuck in customs.

  22. Warthog Says:

    Mr. Spellman, what about AIDs in peanut butter so we don’t have to listen to choosy mothers screaming about their child’s allergies?

  23. Slothrop Says:

    @Hatey: Coming out of Vietnam or getting her in to the US? And did you remember to pack her in coffee grounds to through the dogs off the scent?

  24. Travis Henry's Dusty Rubbers Says:

    Is this made by the same company that produces mustardayonaise?

    /obscure Mr Show reference

  25. Gino Tourettsa Says:

    Maj like to spread it on his pretzels when it’s Dancing Time.

  26. Stonecutter Says:

    So do you eat the hollowed out dog like a bread bowl?

  27. Tracer Bullet Says:

    @ j4b: Yes, he’s completely insane, but I’m glad to see that hasn’t interfered with his rigorous dental hygiene regimen.

  28. Hatey McLife Says:

    @Slothrop: I packed the first one in coffee grounds. It successfully covered the smell of the H, but I forgot airholes, it didn’t cover up the smell of her putrid carcass.

  29. jackin'4beats Says:

    @Tracer Bullet: Definitely. That’s a smile an orthodontist can be proud of.

  30. Squirmin' Thurman Says:

    If only Robbie Alomar’s attackers hadn’t fallen prey to Spellman’s sales pitch 20 years ago.

  31. Squirmin' Thurman Says:

    …then John Hirschbeck might not have AIDS today.

  32. Johnny D Says:

    I come looking for a fun, sexy Friday time, and I leave with nausea and AIDS? Sounds like my prom night!

    http://instantrimshot.com/
    wokka wokka wokka!

  33. Rob in WI Says:

    To be honest… I find the idea of a pussy spork intriguing…

  34. 85 Says:

    “Alonzo Spellman Strangles A Nun” has surprisingly good deleted scenes.

  35. Arm Strongcock Says:

    The “hollowed out dog” seals the deal for me. That is an awesome chicken salad.

  36. seahawk matt Says:

    I’m speechless. Also, how do I go about purchasing one of those pussy sporks??

  37. make it snow Says:

    I am not nearly as impressed with this product as I was with his dog saw.

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