Alonzo Spellman’s MayonnAIDS Has The Real Taste Of AIDS!
Hi, folks! I’m Alonzo Spellman, former defensive lineman for the Chicago Bears and star of the new direct to DVD documentary “Alonzo Spellman Strangles A Nun”. You might remember me from the time I began speaking in tongues when I played on special teams, or the time I tried to mummify my wife while she was still alive. CLOVES WILL MAKE YOU SMELL GOOD UNDERGROUND, DEAR.
You also might remember me from such successful lunch products as Alonzo Spellman’s Eye Loaf, Alonzo Spellman’s Pussy Spork, and Alonzo Spellman’s Spreadable Hooker Liver. But now, I have concocted perhaps my tastiest product of all!
It’s Alonzo Spellman’s MayonnAIDS!
Wow! Is that like Baconnaise, but with AIDS, Mr. Spellman?
Sure is! Finally, the great taste of mayonnaise and the great taste of AIDS, together! You’ve never tasted AIDS quite like this! Go on. Have a bite.
Wow! It’s so thick and creamy! And a little bit medicinal!
That’s that subtle, unmistakable flavor of AIDS you’re savoring! Made with fresh egg yolks, 100% pure vegetable oil, and full blown AIDS, Alonzo Spellman’s MayonnAIDS goes great with any kind of food. Spread it on ham and AIDS sandwiches! Serve it as a delicious dip! Inject it into a cellmate! It’s one condiment you’ll never get enough of!
Say, Mr. Spellman, am I supposed to have open pustules all over my body after eating it?
Yep! That lets you know it’s delicious! AIDSlicious!
I feel very cold all of a sudden. I feel like never eating again and curling my body into the shape of a question mark.
That’s MayonnAIDS, all right! Best of all, Alonzo Spellman’s MayonnAIDS is certified 100% organic! No harmful preservatives or chemicals. I get my AIDS from local growers, like Tamaya down the block. Freshest AIDS available! Try it in my delicious chicken salad recipe!
1 cup Alonzo Spellman’s MayonnAIDS
1 cup chopped celery
2 tsp city puddle water
Gum
Hearts
Box of thumbtacks
Mix all the ingredients in a hollowed-out dog and serve. Mmmm, that’s good AIDS!
So don’t delay! Order some today and you’ll also get two free tubs of Alonzo Spellman’s cHIV cream cheese AND Alonzo Spellman’s cumgurt AT NO EXTRA COST.
What do you mean, you don’t like AIDS? YOU SHOULD. I WANT YOU TO HAVE AIDS BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO LIVE WITH THIS BY MYSELF. WELCOME TO THE WALKING DEAD. I WILL SEND YOU A VERY SMALL COFFIN TO SCARE YOU. YOU WILL DIE OF AIDS. SOON I WILL FIND A WAY TO GIVE IT TO YOU, SO YOU MAY AS WELL ENJOY A CRABCAKE WITH ME.
WHY IS THAT MAN IN MY TREE?
Order today!
Photoshop by Christmas AIDS, er, Ape.
Tags: awfully AIDSy, Big Daddy Drew, fine Alonzo Spellman products, god i hate mayo, sarah s says when life gives you AIDS you make lemonAIDS
May 8th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
you might need some rolAIDS after eating that chicken salad.
May 8th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
This guy survived playing for the Lions. Nothing can kill him.
May 8th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
you might need some rolAIDS after eating that chicken salad.
Roger Staubach agrees.
May 8th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Drew hates mayo? So he likes his butter sandwiches plain?
May 8th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
You make the world a brighter place, Drew.
May 8th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
seriously, I call bullshit on the “god i hate mayo” tag. I thought all pasty overweight white guys loved mayo and that they eat it straight from the jar.
May 8th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
Does it come in a squeeze bottle? I find spreading works best when I can spurt gooey wet goodness all over.
May 8th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
@ UU
I can speak only for myself, but I’m a pasty overweight white guy who HATES mayo.
May 8th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
If only Spellman were that lucid to pitch as fine a product as this.
/Spellman is batshit crazy
May 8th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
“Drew hates mayo? So he likes his butter sandwiches plain?”
Is he Evis?
May 8th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Thanks for this post while I was eating lunch dude.
/takes out rancid garbage can
May 8th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Bra-fucking-vo, once again, Big Daddy Balls. You’re gonna get my ass fired eventually.
May 8th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
jeez Punte…
wait, what?
May 8th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
WELCOME TO THE WALKING DEAD.
Ah – he’s in Charlotte now. Well played
May 8th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
This picture of Spellman is much scarier as it truly shows how insane he is. Can we use it please, huh please?
May 8th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
HTML fail…
This is the picture I was trying to embed: http://cache.daylife.com/imageserve/09vMd8Z6F63OP/610x.jpg
May 8th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
Finally, someone is marketing spreadable hooker liver. I don’t have the patience to let in sit on the counter and soften up.
May 8th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
seriously, I call bullshit on the “god i hate mayo” tag. I thought all pasty overweight white guys loved mayo and that they eat it straight from the jar.
Drew is so mayo-phobic that he undoubtedly slathers every food item with a healthy layer of Hellman’s.
May 8th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
@Hatey: Get yourself a good food processor, saves time and makes a surprisingly good salsa.
May 8th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Trying to embed again…
If this doesn’t work, I’ll stop.
May 8th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
@Slothrop I have a good food processor on the way, but she’s stuck in customs.
May 8th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Mr. Spellman, what about AIDs in peanut butter so we don’t have to listen to choosy mothers screaming about their child’s allergies?
May 8th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
@Hatey: Coming out of Vietnam or getting her in to the US? And did you remember to pack her in coffee grounds to through the dogs off the scent?
May 8th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Is this made by the same company that produces mustardayonaise?
/obscure Mr Show reference
May 8th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Maj like to spread it on his pretzels when it’s Dancing Time.
May 8th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
So do you eat the hollowed out dog like a bread bowl?
May 8th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
@ j4b: Yes, he’s completely insane, but I’m glad to see that hasn’t interfered with his rigorous dental hygiene regimen.
May 8th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
@Slothrop: I packed the first one in coffee grounds. It successfully covered the smell of the H, but I forgot airholes, it didn’t cover up the smell of her putrid carcass.
May 8th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
@Tracer Bullet: Definitely. That’s a smile an orthodontist can be proud of.
May 8th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
If only Robbie Alomar’s attackers hadn’t fallen prey to Spellman’s sales pitch 20 years ago.
May 8th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
…then John Hirschbeck might not have AIDS today.
May 8th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
I come looking for a fun, sexy Friday time, and I leave with nausea and AIDS? Sounds like my prom night!
http://instantrimshot.com/
wokka wokka wokka!
May 8th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
To be honest… I find the idea of a pussy spork intriguing…
May 8th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
“Alonzo Spellman Strangles A Nun” has surprisingly good deleted scenes.
May 8th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
The “hollowed out dog” seals the deal for me. That is an awesome chicken salad.
May 8th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
I’m speechless. Also, how do I go about purchasing one of those pussy sporks??
May 9th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
I am not nearly as impressed with this product as I was with his dog saw.