First Brittfar, Now Simmons. Because the state apparently needs a sudden influx of self-absorbed douches… How many people would ever say, “I’d love Minnesota, living there would be cool?” Milwaukee, Pittsburgh, Minnesota … these are salt of the earth cities with great people. I would be proud and happy to move my family there for a few years. Also, I feel like Boston owes ‘Sota for KG, Big Papi and Randy Moss. It’s about time we gave you something back. So what better than me, the former Boston Sports Guy? Come on, you have to admit, there’s a certain symmetry here. No. No, there isn’t.
Tags: his first act would be to sign Welker, quick hits, simmons
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May 7th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Wait until Simmons finds out that Minnesota is a whole state!
May 7th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
All the locals call it ‘Sota.
May 7th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
these are salt of the earth cities with great people.
Great people. Lofty people.
May 7th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Does anyone in the state of Minnesota actually say they’re from “‘Sota?” good lord, Bill, STFU.
May 7th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
If I follow Simmons’ logic, because I wrote a book about football, this means I get to be GM of the Steelers someday. Your days are numbered, Kevin Colbert!
May 7th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
I’m moving there soon for real, please God let Simmons do the same so I can bitch slap his whiny ass.
“The salt of the earth they use here to melt the snow is making my Ferrari dirty. I will now light myself on fire.”
Serious question: who is more hateable… Simmons or Favre?
May 7th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Minnesota is a city? FAIL.
May 7th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
@Ape: So I get to be the GM of Neal Stephenson? Awesome.
May 7th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
@Thurman – Brittfar, easily. Simmons is at least entertaining from time to time and has some semblance of self-awareness. Brett Favre is a cancerous boil on the unwiped ass of professional football.
May 7th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Wow. Simmons might be the douchiest douche who ever douched.
May 7th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
He has to be closer to the mayo clinic to cure him of super aids
May 7th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Bill Simmons: Proving you don’t need a High School education to work for ESPN.
(disclaimer: Simmons started working at ESPN before Scoop Jackson)
May 7th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Who wouldn’t want a GM who would explain away his team’s terrible performance on secret injuries that were a lot more severe than everyone thought?
May 7th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Not only have I read a Reggie Jackson book AND a Ron Luciano book, I also manage a fantasy baseball team.
Ergo, move over Mike Scioscia. It’s MY team now.
May 7th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
my favorite is how he offers half-price tickets if the team sucks, then wonders why owners aren’t making his phone ring off the hook. “hey, if your team sucks, i’ll put in place a policy that costs you even more money! call me up!”
May 7th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Isiah used SportsDouche’s logic and look how great his career is going.
May 7th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
my second favorite part- “sign me to run your basketball team so i can write a book about it!” i dont know why any owner would have some pesky little hangup about turning his team over to a guy who will be spending half his time buried in the chicago manual of style
May 7th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
This drives me crazy. Memphis GM Chris Wallace, who’s one of Simmons’ favorite NBA whipping boys (and maybe deservedly so), has a similar background–no playing or coaching experience, got close to the game through journalism (by founding the NCAA Blue Ribbon Sports Guides). Obviously a close observer, with an understanding of team dynamics and winning habits. Sure as hell wrote more than 700 pages about basketball. An unconventional pick, albeit without BS’ name recognition. Look how well that turned out.
And if we’re just going for the “shock and awe” approach of using a GM hire as a way to get people talking, why not hire a female ex-player who actually did more than sit on the bench for a tenth-rate JV prep team? That wouldn’t make waves?
But what do we expect from a guy who thinks calling Daryl Morey “Dork Elvis” is a good joke?
May 7th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Can Simmons’ new nickname be Dork Douchebag?
May 7th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
Will his buddy Hench become Director of Sales for the Timberwolves or will he forget the little people?
May 7th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
He’ll build a team of unathletic big men and pass-first point guards. They’ll be unstoppable!
May 7th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Also, I feel like Boston owes ‘Sota for KG, Big Papi and Randy Moss. It’s about time we gave you something back. So what better than me, the former Boston Sports Guy?
Christ, what an asshole. He thinks Minnesota exists solely as a farm team for Boston sports and as a hypothetical place for him to write a stupid book. I’m glad for KG- he was loyal to an incompetent team when he didn’t have to be. Now he’s got a championship title and is part of a perenial contender. The Twins couldn’t afford David Ortiz but the Red Sox could. That’s MLB. Randy Moss came to the Patriots from Oakland, not Minnesota.
Fuck you, Bill Simmons. Minnesotans don’t call their state ‘Sota. Masshole. I mean, asshole.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
@Gino
I agree with 90% of what you said, but the Twins weren’t even giving Ortiz regular AB’s. It’s not like he was a big ticket free agent.
May 7th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Is Simmons showing evidence of a fake tan in that picture?
May 7th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
@ Tim Tebow’s GF’s Tits
Yeah, you’re right about Ortiz. Letting Big Papi go was a rare fuck up in personel for Minnesota. So saying it was about money is a lie I have to tell myself as a Twins fan.
May 7th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Why all the hate on Simmons? Sure he’s self-absorbed, but I’m pretty sure we’d all be worse if we had the coolest job in the world. I’ve read Simmons for the past 8 years and he’s given me more entertainment than this site ever has.
Oooooh….bitchy comment by me.
/slams back a red bull
/turns on Entourage
May 7th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
Sure, he’s a douche. But a harmless douche.
Odd, the energy wasted here on the hate. The Caped Crusader takes himself less seriously than some of you seem to do.
And really, what do the T-Wolves have to lose? Credibility? As what?
May 7th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
BASS ket ball?
May 7th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
But I have to point this out again Drew, Both you and Simmons are complete douches. It’s like like a hammer calling a screwdriver a tool.
May 7th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
I’m pretty sure I would be a great coach – for a girls softball team – high school. I read a book once. It was dirty.
May 7th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
@ Vince from Sham-Wow:
Did you ever find the Saigon whore who bit your tongue off?
May 7th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
At least Simmons didn’t hide today when the Manny story broke. Red Sox fans can try and laugh all they want about trading away Manny “just in time”, but 1. Manny missing/being lazy for 50 games is actually about right for “Manny being Manny” and the Dodgers knew that and 2. If Manny’s juicing, he’s BEEN juicing, and Bawston has another team that cheated to win it all three total if you count the massive hometown discount Kevin McHale gave the Celtics for Garnett.) So if nothing else, Simmons did stand up and say “well, shit, maybe my team was a bunch of juiced-up hypocrites.”
And that’s the biggest compliment I can give that homer, I guess.
/”Manny only juiced aftuh the fackin’ trade! Ow-ah titles ah clean, you fackin’ Hawlywood faggots!” (turns around backwards Sox hat and points at the “B”) “Papi doesn’t miss Manny in the lineup and Papi nevah roided, the big fat dahkie just can’t hit anymore–fah no good fackin’ reason! Sawx nevah cheat! Fack you!”
May 7th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
I dont know how you guys missed the douchiest comment of them all:
“The job hinges on having common sense and a high basketball IQ, understanding chemistry and character, following the San Antonio/Boston blueprint and building a team a specific way…”
I can’t believe he included Boston in the same breath as San Antonio. How do San Antonio and Boston even come close to following the same blueprint? One team got lucky to get the top pick but turned around and signed quality free agents who fit the mold while mining the foreign market to get such gems as Ginobili and Parker and using quality low round picks to get good cheap young role players. The other team got handed an aging “superstar” who had never won anything from a current GM who was a former player of their team and traded away a number 5 pick for a shooting guard with bad ankles who can’t drive the lane.
May 7th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
The other team got handed an aging “superstar” who had never won anything from a current GM who was a former player of their team and traded away a number 5 pick for a shooting guard with bad ankles who can’t drive the lane.
You are right. Al Jefferson, who only averaged 23 points and 11 rebounds this year as a 24 year-old, was an absolute throwaway for the Celtics in that trade.
May 7th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
The best part about this whole Manny saga is we get to watch El Lay choke on a giant dick. Back to kind-of rooting for the Lakers, assholes!
May 7th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
Drew, love ya, but fuck off. You left MN and the rest of us stuck here want SOMETHING to latch on to. Whether it be Simmons or something else, at least it is SOMETHING. The alternatives are worse.
May 8th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
@starksgotejected
for fucks sake, now I gotta cancel my internet
May 9th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
i think bill simmons is entertaining. he probably knows more about basketball than 100% of us, not you or me, but us. also, how are you doing with you job as a sports writer? your podcast? oh, you have neither….than shut the fuck up fagholes.
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