You’ll Long For the Days of Incoherent Jabbering and Screen Doodles
[Nov. 15 Sunday Night Football broadcast]
Al Michaels: The view above Indianapolis. And there’s Lucas Oil Stadium, getting set for what NFL fans have come to expect to be one of the premier games on the football calendar: The Patriots and the Colts.
Cris Collinsworth: Is it really necessary to show the outlying buildings? I mean, what bearing does that have on the game? It’s not like we’re playing this game in the streets.
Michaels: I think it adds something to the overall presentation of the broadcast.
Collinsworth: If you say so. [Chuckles]
[Shot of Colts player intros]
Michaels: This has got to be a little bit of deja vu for us here, Cris. This is the third time we’ve had the Colts on Sunday night and it’s only Week 10.
Collinsworth: Oh, absolutely. It’s almost as though they’re a playoff caliber team that consistently draws viewers.
Michaels: Can’t argue with that. All right then. Let’s go to Andrea with the Colts.
Kremer: Thanks Al. During pregame warm-ups, I was able to speak with Colts coach Jim Caldwell regarding injured tight end Dallas Clark. Apparently Clark tried to make a go of it earlier today, but it looks as though he’s going to be held out for tonight’s game, leaving the Colts to have to make do with Tom Santi. The Colts have showed a lot of success this season passing out of two tight end packages and will have to deviate from that tonight.
Michaels: Unfortunate news for Indianapolis, who are coming into this game still looking to keep pace with Tennessee at 7-2. The Patriots, meanwhile, just getting their legs back after some early season jitters with the return of quarterback Tom Brady, enter this game tied atop the AFC East also at 6-2. Would I be out of place in saying this is a pivotal, almost a must-win for both these clubs?
Collinsworth: I think it is, insofar as any game in Week 10 can be a must-win game for two teams that are almost certainly playoff bound anyway.
Michaels: A fair point. What does the departure of Tony Dungy mean to what has been one of the biggest rivalries in football this decade?
Collinsworth: I think it’s clear, even to the most casual observer, that Jim Caldwell has been a continuation of the Tony Dungy era in Indy. Part of that is out of necessity, of course. You can’t upset the apple cart of a largely successful coaching regime and expect to be winning. Eventually Jim Caldwell will put his imprint on this team, but in the meantime, it’s almost naive to ask if there are any differences between the overall strategy between this team and the Colts team from a year ago.
Michaels: Not to mention Caldwell was an integral part of that former regime.
Collinsworth: Well, yeah, obviously.
Michaels: Excuse me then.
Collinsworth: [Chuckles] Hey, it’s only a matter of trying not to talk down to the viewers at home.
Michaels: If you think you’re capable of running this broadcast yourself, then by all means.
Collinsworth: Sure, I can do that. But I’m sure the suits at NBC have you under contract from a reason.
Michaels: Reasons? Huh. It could be the three-plus decades I’ve been in the business. It could be that I called a little something called the Miracle on Ice.
Collinsworth: Miracle on Ice, huh? I remember watching that. I think it happened a year before I got drafted into something called the National Football League.
[A tussle of wrist fighting and short hair pulling extends off camera, leading to...]
Enberg: Looks like it’s just you and me, Gus Johnson, as the Patriots ready themselves to send off the opening kickoff. Gostkowski kicks it deep.
Johnson: Pierre Garcon takes it at the five and OH HE BREAKS IT! HE GOT LANES! AND OOOOOHHHH BROUGHT DOWN JUST AS HE CROSSES MIDFIELD!
Enberg: A fine return setting the Colts up with good early field position. By the way, what we’re doing here could never happen in reality, could it, Gus?
Johnson: AB-SO-LUTELY NOT! WE’RE BOTH STILL UNDER CONTRACT BEING UNDERUTILIZED AT CBS! IT’S AN ENTIRELY IMPLAUSIBLE SCENARIO! BUT THAT’S WHAT MAKES IT ALL THE MORE TANTALIZING! YES!
Tags: smarmy bastards, xmas ape
April 17th, 2009 at 10:14 am
That picture of Colinsworth is just asking for Nightmare-Inducing Mouth Eyes.
April 17th, 2009 at 10:15 am
Collinsworth is an insufferable prick, but at least he doesn’t treat the viewers like a bunch slack-jawed, knuckle-dragging illiterates. Which is why Carolina fans won’t understand a word he says.
April 17th, 2009 at 10:23 am
/smacks forehead
April 17th, 2009 at 10:24 am
I’d like to see Gus Johnson do the spelling bee.
April 17th, 2009 at 10:25 am
I think if they’re going to make Collinsworth the new guy, they should throw Marino in there too. My hope is that Collinsworth will say something so insulting and stupid that Marino goes apeshit, like he has before, and goes after him like Tony Siragusa attacks a buffet.
April 17th, 2009 at 10:25 am
Let me be the first to give a hardy “Fuck You” to GonePostal for suggesting more mouth eyes.
And KSK needs more Gus Johnson. He should be the host of the Marvin and Ocho Under One Roof reality show we’re obviously headed for.
April 17th, 2009 at 10:26 am
Here’s a frightening thought. Peter King replaces John Madden on Sunday Night Football.
April 17th, 2009 at 10:28 am
/kicks a kitten
April 17th, 2009 at 10:30 am
Emperor Palpatine does have a wealth of knowledge to share with the viewers.
April 17th, 2009 at 10:30 am
As long as that blowhard Dierdorf gets nowhere near the booth.
April 17th, 2009 at 10:31 am
@UU that’s enough nightmare rule to power a. Thousand suns.
April 17th, 2009 at 10:35 am
Do you think Madden like Garfield as a kid?
April 17th, 2009 at 10:36 am
@FND
Just… wow.
April 17th, 2009 at 10:38 am
I don’t think madden sat around watching garfield…i think he was using snack foods to draw out plays and day-dreaming about cloning new types of thanksgiving meals…and after all those years, the best he could do was call it tur-ducken
April 17th, 2009 at 10:42 am
You nailed it.
It’s a good thing I’m almost passed out from booze by the time these games go on the air.
April 17th, 2009 at 10:51 am
@GonePostal
I was thinking the exact same thing.
April 17th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Oh no, not a well informed and succinct guy that is easy to ignore in the booth. Anything but that! Somebody find out if Kornheiser can work two nights a week instead of this ridiculous smart and serious gentleman.
April 17th, 2009 at 10:55 am
Stop.
You had me at smart, insightful, Tough Actin’ Tinactin-less, turduken non-referencing, normal eyebrow-color having, Frank Calinedo impression-lacking plane passenger.
April 17th, 2009 at 10:58 am
@Grimey: Outstanding, but someone needs to do Strahan mouth-eyes.
April 17th, 2009 at 11:02 am
Dick Vermeil weeps for the future of NFL broadcasting.
April 17th, 2009 at 11:03 am
^ best idea ever
April 17th, 2009 at 11:04 am
Is it true that Millen was hired for in-studio?
April 17th, 2009 at 11:06 am
Collinsworth is the Roger Moore of smarmy color analysts.
April 17th, 2009 at 11:18 am
you know that feeling you get when someone embarrasses themself so bad you actually feel embarrassed for them? i didn’t get that with john “you see the back is just running it up between the a-hole” madden… i was able to laugh when madden f’ed up…especially when he fell asleep during a game. collinsworth will never get that from me…cause he is a total fucktard.
April 17th, 2009 at 11:22 am
if cris collinsworth was taken hostage by somali pirates, would anyone give a shit?
April 17th, 2009 at 11:23 am
@Tracer Bullet
Yes, he does, only in a different way
April 17th, 2009 at 11:24 am
one thing the NBA has that the NFL does not: Jeff Van Gundy
Even if you don’t like the guy, I think he’s the only sports commentator whose knowledge is inversely proportional to his ego where the latter is the lesser.
April 17th, 2009 at 11:31 am
@Walter: isn’t that an O.Henry called “The Ransom of Red Chief?” “It looked like a good thing: but wait till I tell you.”
April 17th, 2009 at 11:45 am
someone needs to do Strahan mouth-eyes.
With a Subway $5 footlong stuffed into each mouth…I mean eye…I mean oh God!!!!!
As for Cris, he’s an incredibly smarmy prick, but he knows his stuff. At least it’s better than Matt Millen and Dan Dierdorf two-fer.
April 17th, 2009 at 11:48 am
@ Slothrop:Cris would never put up that sort of fight. he’d wait for the SEALS to come…when they didn’t come save him, Cris would cry and the world would rejoice.
April 17th, 2009 at 11:53 am
I think it’s only fitting that Brett Favre should have taken over for Madden, because Brett Favre is the Greatest Favre whoever Favred.
April 17th, 2009 at 11:57 am
With a Subway $5 footlong stuffed between his teeth
April 17th, 2009 at 11:58 am
I’m impressed my your knowledge of Colts backups. It’s almost like you did research or something.
/everyone knows Pierre Garcon catches a kickoff and runs directly back to his spot on the bench, going out of bounds at the 25 on the way.
April 17th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
With a subway $5 footlong stuffed between his teeth.
FTFY
April 17th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Goddammit. I miss football.
April 17th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
What about Dennis Miller…isn’t it about time he got a shot at the big time?
April 17th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Collinsworth is what dennis miller would be like if he knew more about football and less about everything else
if that makes any sense
I’d rather have denis leary call the game
April 17th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
To John Whorfin: If we had the venom spitting, chain smoking Denis Leary…I would be on board for that…mostly cause i’d like to see Al Michaels not know what the fuck to say when Leary lets go. If people thought he had to pick up slack with Madden in the booth…holy shit, would I love to see Leary and Michaels. Maybe we could get the ghost of Sam Kinison to do sideline reporting.
April 17th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
I just realized having Collinsworth isn’t that bad! We could’ve gotten Stephen A Smith. Quite frankly, quite frankly, quite frankly….
April 17th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
NBC should’ve just hired Frank Caliendo to do his Madden schtick; I doubt Al or the viewers would’ve noticed.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
I would pay top dollar (upards of $5.73) to see Michaels sink his diseased teeth in Colllinsworth’s chicken neck. Snark might not be dead, but that snarky prick Collinsworth should be dead. [Pure, blinding hate]
April 17th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
nbc should hire the entire staff of ksk instead. if nothing else, their combined mass could fill the gaping void left by maddens departure.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
So not only do I have to play Madden NFL 09 on mute I have to watch sunday night football on mute as well…..Why cant they let the bus do commentary. He’d have something to say!
April 17th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
I both like Cris Collinsworth and dislike Gus Johnson. Ha!
And it should be Denis Leary and the ghost of Bill Hicks, with the ghosts of Kinison and Norm MacDonald on the sidelines…
April 17th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Nightmare fuel here:
Collinsworth Mouth Eyes
You’re welcome
April 17th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
It was a lot funnier when the font for Gus Johnson actually overlapped. Why change it?
April 17th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
I didn’t, which is odd. Such is the power of the Gus’ yelling.
April 17th, 2009 at 11:33 pm
what the world needs now is an nfl broadcasting duo comprising tom brookshier and don imus.
April 18th, 2009 at 2:32 am
I’ll take Collinsworth over anyone else. I’m usually stuck with Phil Fucking Seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeems…
April 18th, 2009 at 7:16 am
Collinsworth defines smarmy like Dierdorf defines doofus.
April 18th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
I like Collinsworth, personally, for pretty much the exact reasons outlined in this post. Though I must say … in a perfect world, I’d love to have Marv Albert, Chris Collinsworth and Gus Johnson all in the booth at the same time for MNF. Ohhh yeahhhh…right there…./pleasure explosion
April 18th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
I just chunked my pants, courtesy of rusrus.
April 21st, 2009 at 5:50 pm
If they replace Madden with that fucking fuck fuck Matt Millen I’ll stop watching. I’ll start watching, I dunno, the Dakar rally or something. Is that still on?
Fuck. They’re gonna hire Millen aren’t they?