You Should Have Added a Thorn in Its Paw!
[A procession of kazoo players enter from a hallway, followed by a regal figure]
Fail Lion: Royal iconographers! What news of the design of the my kingdom’s crest?
Royal iconographers: [Together] Thy task be done!
Fail Lion: You mean you did my bidding in a timely manner? Within the allotted period? Such deeds bespeak success! IT WAS MY DECREE THAT SUCCESS BE BANISHED FROM MINE EYES!
Royal iconographers: [Together] My liege, we submit that we did exceed your budget by a factor of three.
Fail Lion: I suppose that will do. Show me the fruits of thine labors.
Royal iconographers: [Together] We have added The Lines of Articulation! Now the royal banner has become slightly less abstract. The Lines of Articulation define a lion’s mouth, his mane and his crotchular fold. What’s more, the team font has been equipped with pointy serifs. A man could be impaled upon one.
Fail Lion: Lines of Articulation!? I asked for stink lines! Herald!
Herald: [Unfurls scroll]
Fail Lion: Do you not see the effect? Pungent fore and aft! He achieves both rectal gaseous and halitotal stink! Truly emblematic of our peoples.
Royal iconographers: [Together] We have then failed to carry out thy will, your majesty.
Fail Lion: Ho ho! So you have! Speak of other changes.
Royal iconographers: [Together] The team color is to be named Honolulu blue! Such an appellation, by reminding your subjects of better climes, only serves to reinforce their misery.
Fail Lion: [Giddily clapping] Atrocious! Abysmal! Expertly awful!
Royal iconographers: [Together] And we have needlessly rounded and italicized the jersey numbers.
Fail Lion: Ah, but every kingdom makes that failure with jersey redesign.
Royal iconographers: [Together] Then we have failed at being distinctive, as well as creating tasteful uniforms.
Fail Lion: Thy wisdom shines through. Such is a garment fit for a Stafford. Ready his quarters, for his will be glorious welcome. The groans of my subjects will strike a most melodious pitch.
[Kazoos play]
Tags: fail lion, xmas ape, you poor Lions fans
April 21st, 2009 at 2:05 pm
I’d prefer a logo featuring starving families lined up on breadlines, but I guess this works too.
April 21st, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Calvin Johnson: I’m gonna walk down that stinkin’ runway, open up this faggot pair of silver pants and wiggle my dick at ‘em! And do you know why? Because I want you to have a heart-attack and die so we don’t have to do this shit again! You and your fucking fashion shows!
April 21st, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Sure to strike fear into the hearts of every CFL team!
April 21st, 2009 at 2:18 pm
stink lines make everything funnier, like using the Benny Hill theme song as a soundtrack.
April 21st, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Delicious, delicious failsauce.
April 21st, 2009 at 2:34 pm
@UU – How did you know that was the Lions’ new intro music, that hasn’t hit any of papers yet
@Sloth – Love the Slapshot reference
As for the logo, just fucking shoot me now if this is the best the new douches in charge can come up with. And, only 4 more days til we fuck up the #1 pick
/drinks more heavily than normal for a Tuesday
//cries
April 21st, 2009 at 2:43 pm
I wonder what’s going to happen to the old logo
April 21st, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Remembering that I could be a Lions fan makes every day a better day.
April 21st, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Out-fucking-standing
April 21st, 2009 at 2:45 pm
@Grimey: +1
April 21st, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Soooooo glad we get to play the motor city kitties 2x a year.
April 21st, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Fail Lion definitely talks exactly like Snagglepuss, the Hanna-Barbera cat.
April 21st, 2009 at 2:50 pm
@Grimey, nice work
April 21st, 2009 at 3:04 pm
@ starksgotejected; It’s a failure, even.
April 21st, 2009 at 3:05 pm
that’s some fine work boys.
April 21st, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Grimey, goddamit, I spit soda through my nose.
April 21st, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Fail Lion definitely talks like Snagglepuss
“Ralph, remember when you thought you saw Snaggletooth in the sandbox?”
“He was going to the bathroom.”
April 21st, 2009 at 3:16 pm
Also, score, Grimey!
“Heavens to Murgatroyd!”
April 21st, 2009 at 3:36 pm
At least Corey Smith will get a stylish retired number.
/too soon?
April 21st, 2009 at 4:13 pm
The new lion is the gayest thing I have seen in a long time.
And I see a lot of pretty gay shit every day.
April 21st, 2009 at 4:24 pm
Is a fail lion similar to a fuck lion?
April 21st, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Outstanding work Ape. Only thing missing was Fail Lion tossing one of his iconographers out of the window after the first fail. Grimey…what can I say but well done as always. Man, I nearly pissed myself looking at the frozen fail logo.
April 21st, 2009 at 6:05 pm
That font is just the worst. It hurts my eyes in a very personal way.
April 21st, 2009 at 11:51 pm
The emperor has new clothes. Tim Gunn disapproves.
April 21st, 2009 at 11:55 pm
I am so unbelievably grateful to be a Colts fan, a team whose logo, font, colors, and jersey will never be unfashionable. As for the rest of you, excluding the Steelers, Browns, and Chiefs, enjoy your inevitable shitty “rebranding”, lolololololol.
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:10 am
At Jackin4Beats:
Don’t you mean after the first success? The first failure at failing? True failure. Lofty failure.
April 22nd, 2009 at 9:38 am
@ Slothrop – +1 for the Slapshot reference.
April 22nd, 2009 at 10:41 am
I love these posts. Nice job.
I always picture the lion playing with a big ball of yarn for some reason.
April 22nd, 2009 at 1:50 pm
AWW YA DREW DA STINK LINES AND EVERYTHING.
April 22nd, 2009 at 10:44 pm
Yeaahhhhhh…if Fail Lion had wanted to save that budget, I could have whipped that shitty uniform up in about 10 minutes on Madden or 2K Football (yeah, I bought it, so? So? So? It was 9 dollars, suck it.)
Fail is my middle name.
/porkyfail1