Vince Young’s Plan To Be A Starting NFL Quarterback Again
[PRESENT DAY. Tennessee Titans head coach JEFF FISHER is sitting in his office reading something. He hears a knock at the door]
JEFF FISHER: Come in. Oh, hello Vince.
[VINCE YOUNG walks in]
JEFF FISHER: Have a seat. How has the first mini-camp of the season been for you?
VINCE YOUNG: Fine.
JEFF FISHER: I’ve been meaning to tell you that I haven’t seen any improvement in your decision-making in the pocket, Vince. If you want me to open up the quarterback job to competition this fall, you’re gonna have to play a lot smarter out there.
VINCE YOUNG: Fine.
JEFF FISHER: Go through your progressions. Learn to evaluate what’s in front of you. And then make your decision and don’t back down from it. Don’t half-ass it out there. See it through to the end. That’s what you need to work on in practice today.
VINCE YOUNG: Fine.
JEFF FISHER: You alright, Vince? You seem a little distant today. Is something going on?
VINCE YOUNG: Yeah, coach, actually, there is something going on. Because today [reaches into back pocket, pulls out an NFL logo cap] I AM DECLARING MYSELF ELIGIBLE FOR THE 2009 NFL DRAFT, BABY! WOOO! SO FORGET ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! FORGET TENNESSEE! FORGET YO’ SHITASS MUSTACHE! FORGET ALL THESE DRIVERS THAT DON’T PULL INTO THE INTERSECTION MAKING LEFT-HAND TURNS! I’M GOING TO THE DRAFT, BITCH! AND WHEN I’M THROUGH, I’LL BE MILLIONS, WHITE MAN! FUCKIN’ MILLIONS! WOOO! AW YEAH! WOOO!
JEFF FISHER: [Looks at the floor, rubs chin] Really?
VINCE YOUNG: That’s right, sucka! I’m going to the Draft!
JEFF FISHER: [Purses lips, still avoids eye contact] Well, uhhh, I hate to see you go, Vince. But uhh, before you send off, let’s bring Mike in here for a second and, uhh [Looks at the floor, rubs chin, picks up phone] Yeah, Mike, can you come into my office please? I’m here with Vince. Thanks.
VINCE YOUNG: Yo let’s go! Hurry this shit up! I gotta get to the Draft right now, man!
Titans Offensive Coordinator MIKE HEIMERDINGER: You wanted to see me, Jeff?
JEFF FISHER: Come on in, Mike. Close the door. Now Vince. Tell Mike what you just told me.
VINCE YOUNG: YEAH, CHECK THIS SHIT OUT! I’M GOING TO THE 2009 NFL DRAFT, BITCH! I’M THROUGH WITH THIS DAMN TEAM! I’M THROUGH WITH ALL THESE JESUS FAGGOTS WANTIN’ TO KNOW WHERE I GO TO CHURCH! I’M SICK OF ALL THIS SHIT! SO I’M DECLARING MYSELF ELIGIBLE FOR THE DRAFT! MOTHERFUCKER!
[MIKE HEIMERDINGER looks at JEFF FISHER, dumbstruck]
JEFF FISHER: Mike, I think it would be a classy move…on our part…to wish Vince good luck, and thank him for his service to the Titans. The…the NFL Titans.
MIKE HEIMERDINGER: Well, yes. Of course. Vince, we wish nothing but the best for you…and your new NFL career. [stifles giggling]
VINCE YOUNG: Thank you. I really appreciate it.
[KERRY COLLINS opens the door, sounds very Keanu Reeves-ish]
KERRY COLLINS: Hey Coach, today can we do gin and then save the whiskey for–
[looks around the room] Oh, am I late for a meeting or something? You alright Coach Mike? Your face is all red.
JEFF FISHER: Sit down, Kerry, and close the door. Now Vince. Tell Kerry what you just told me.
VINCE YOUNG: The Draft, man…I’m blowin’ off all you crackers and goin’ to the draft.
KERRY COLLINS: What? What do you mean?
VINCE YOUNG: I SAID I’M DECLARING ELIGIBLE FOR THE MOTHERFUCKIN’ DRAFT, HONKY! I’M TIRED OF YOUR MOUNTAIN LANDSCAPES AND HOUSES WITHOUT BASEMENTS! FUCK THIS SHIT! ALL THIS SHIT! I’M GOING TO THE NFL DRAFT AND MAKING MILLIONS!
KERRY COLLINS: Oh, that’s awesome man. Good luck and all that.
VINCE YOUNG: Fuck you.
KERRY COLLINS: Yeah, it’s cool.
JEFF FISHER: Now Vince, you’ve filed all your paperwork…your Draft paperwork…with the League, right?
VINCE YOUNG: Yeah, I had my agent do it. In fact, I should finish cleaning out my locker and get my phone. He’ll probably want to reach me after he calls them.
MIKE HEIMERDINGER: [covering mouth with both hands] Oh, God, I think I’m gonna die! This is too much! Too much!
KERRY COLLINS: It’s okay, coach. We’ll find another overpaid backup quarterback. But coach? I thought only college players could enter the Draft.
VINCE YOUNG: What?
JEFF FISHER: GODDAMN IT KERRY! YOU RUINED IT!
BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OH GOD I JUST PISSED MYSELF! HAHAHA!
VINCE YOUNG: No, I’m eligible! I’m declaring myself eligible!
JEFF FISHER: How the fuck you think you got on this team, Vince? Besides, the draft was last week. Now go get ready for practice. Both of you. [KERRY and VINCE leave] Well, Coach. Looks like you owe me a new couch.
MIKE HEIMERDINGER: Totally worth it. I haven’t laughed that hard in years.
JEFF FISHER: How dumb could one guy be? Did he think he could just put on a hat and someone would just drop a bag of money on him? That doesn’t happen with guys that have actually played in this League.
MIKE HEIMERDINGER: Well, we did let Albert Haynesworth go. That was pretty fuckin’ stupid.
JEFF FISHER: Oh, shut up.
April 29th, 2009 at 9:49 am
Matt Millen: Really, he can do that?
April 29th, 2009 at 9:50 am
amazing
April 29th, 2009 at 9:51 am
As a Colts fan, I laugh because it probably happened, and Vince Young is one Kerry Collins ruptured spleen away from starting again. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
April 29th, 2009 at 9:56 am
I did not know there were quarterback controversies in the NFL. I have never been part of a quarterback controversy. I never even knew it was possible. It’s part of life and we have to go with it. I hate to see what happens when something like that happens on an NFL team. You have to settle with a release.
April 29th, 2009 at 9:56 am
Got my hopes – now if you will excuse me I have to go feed the chickens and draw water from the well so mamma can cook breakfast.
April 29th, 2009 at 10:05 am
Why did he think he could just put on a hat and someone would just drop a bag of money on him?
Well, it worked for Burt Reynolds in the “Smokey and the Bandit” films.
April 29th, 2009 at 10:09 am
Speaking of His Burtness, there’s something similar in that photo of Fisher.
I’m pretty sure he’s in the middle of saying, “Alright, ladies. You best get them panties off.”
April 29th, 2009 at 10:10 am
Donovan, if thats really you, your avatar should be ducking out of the huddle and vomiting copiously. Until then I consider you an impostor, dare i say it, AN IMPOSTOR!
April 29th, 2009 at 10:24 am
@ Monkey Business – SORGI!
April 29th, 2009 at 10:28 am
You forgot:
for Vince- [door meekly opens]
for Kerry- [stumbles thru door]
/fixed
April 29th, 2009 at 10:29 am
Christ, after looking at his picture, I half expected Heimerdinger to offer Vince a great deal on a used car.
April 29th, 2009 at 10:31 am
With the 257th pick in the 2009 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders select Vince Young, Quarterback, Tennessee Titans.
April 29th, 2009 at 10:31 am
Before the jump, I was half expecting Vince to take his shirt off and try to win his job back with a striptease. And yet I clicked through anyway…
April 29th, 2009 at 10:37 am
I’m pretty sure he’s in the middle of saying, “Alright, ladies. You best get them panties off.”
Check this out. Oversized panties. They’re funny.
April 29th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Speaking of His Burtness, there’s something similar in that photo of Fisher.
Now that is just downright racist, Otto.
April 29th, 2009 at 10:51 am
Vince will be a Super Bowl MVP in his career.
Just saying.
April 29th, 2009 at 10:54 am
I apologize if I offended any mustache enthusiasts with my comparison of Reynolds and Fisher. But as long as I’m in the gutter, I think it actually might be Brian Fantana from “Anchorman” that I’m thinking about.
“People call me the Fisher King; I’m the stylish one of the group. I know what you’re asking yourself and the answer is yes. I have a nick name for my penis. Its called the Music City Miracle. But I also nicknamed my testes – my left one is Eddie George and my right one is Kenneth Stanley ‘Bud’ Adams Jr. You ladies play your cards right, and you just might get to meet the whole gang.”
April 29th, 2009 at 10:56 am
Is it racist to say that the Dolphins want to draft him and use him as a receiver? Because if so, just change that to the Lions or the Raiders and it pretty much holds up.
April 29th, 2009 at 10:56 am
Vince will be a Super Bowl MVP in his career.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
April 29th, 2009 at 11:05 am
Vince will take less than 100 more snaps in his career.
^ edited for accuracy.
+1 to Ape for his reaction…
April 29th, 2009 at 11:36 am
Vince: Hey Kerry, my boys and I are gonna be drinking Patron at my house after practice, you down?
Kerry: FUCK YEA!
Vince: We dont wear shirts in my house. Is that a problem?
Kerry: For some free liquor, I’ll take my pants off dude.
Vince: FUCK YEA!
April 29th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
I apologize if I offended any mustache enthusiasts with my comparison of Reynolds and Fisher. But as long as I’m in the gutter, I think it actually might be Brian Fantana from “Anchorman” that I’m thinking about.
Sorry, but that is obviously a photo of Cliff from Cheers.
April 29th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Short-term memories abound!
April 29th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Did he think he could just put on a hat and someone would just drop a bag of money on him? That doesn’t happen with guys that have actually played in this League
I see what you did there. Dropping in a biting commentary of the NFL draft entitlement system for players who haven’t taken one snap in the league when veteran players are shredding knees just to get that free agent money.
Or maybe I was not high enough when I read this post…
/Vince Young is so completely done
April 29th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
@LaFarve No, now it’s PAINTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
April 29th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Fisher definitely looks like a guy who puts on “Sex Panther”
April 29th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
@IrishCream – 60% of the time it works every time!
April 29th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Wow, I thought this was going to involve Young crying, and going emo ala Rodgers. Is it racist to think HEIMERDINGER looks like a young John Madden?
April 29th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
@LFNR Jim Sorgi is TEN TIMES the quarterback that Vince Young is. He’s approximately two thirds of the quarterback Kerry Collins is. Curtis Painter is approximately half the quarterback that Jim Sorgi is. Peyton Manning is twice as good as all of them combined. So, what percentage of Curtis Painter is Vince Young? BONUS: What percentage of Peyton Manning is Curtis Painter?
April 29th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Guys, guys. Ease up on Vince Young- or his Mom might get mad at us.
April 29th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
If VY is going to the draft, will he get to retake the Wonderlic test? I think he can crack 10 this time.
April 29th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
/secretly hopes to buy some of what Mo Charlo is smoking….
//Seriously, I can go to the ATM, like, right now.
April 29th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
@Monkey Business – Young = 20% of Painter, Painter = 8.065% of Manning. What a silly question.
April 29th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
As a Titans fan, I don’t think this is much of a stretch of what a meeting with Vince would be like. The dude is legally retarded.
April 30th, 2009 at 12:39 am
“Slothrop Says:
April 29th, 2009 at 10:31 am
With the 257th pick in the 2009 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders select Vince Young, Quarterback, Tennessee Titans.”
+1
April 30th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
i get the feeling young and maurice clarett would be so pretty good friends…