[PRESENT DAY. Tennessee Titans head coach JEFF FISHER is sitting in his office reading something. He hears a knock at the door]
JEFF FISHER: Come in. Oh, hello Vince.
[VINCE YOUNG walks in]
JEFF FISHER: Have a seat. How has the first mini-camp of the season been for you?
VINCE YOUNG: Fine.
JEFF FISHER: I’ve been meaning to tell you that I haven’t seen any improvement in your decision-making in the pocket, Vince. If you want me to open up the quarterback job to competition this fall, you’re gonna have to play a lot smarter out there.
VINCE YOUNG: Fine.
JEFF FISHER: Go through your progressions. Learn to evaluate what’s in front of you. And then make your decision and don’t back down from it. Don’t half-ass it out there. See it through to the end. That’s what you need to work on in practice today.
VINCE YOUNG: Fine.
JEFF FISHER: You alright, Vince? You seem a little distant today. Is something going on?
VINCE YOUNG: Yeah, coach, actually, there is something going on. Because today [reaches into back pocket, pulls out an NFL logo cap] I AM DECLARING MYSELF ELIGIBLE FOR THE 2009 NFL DRAFT, BABY! WOOO! SO FORGET ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! FORGET TENNESSEE! FORGET YO’ SHITASS MUSTACHE! FORGET ALL THESE DRIVERS THAT DON’T PULL INTO THE INTERSECTION MAKING LEFT-HAND TURNS! I’M GOING TO THE DRAFT, BITCH! AND WHEN I’M THROUGH, I’LL BE MILLIONS, WHITE MAN! FUCKIN’ MILLIONS! WOOO! AW YEAH! WOOO!
JEFF FISHER: [Looks at the floor, rubs chin] Really?
VINCE YOUNG: That’s right, sucka! I’m going to the Draft!
JEFF FISHER: [Purses lips, still avoids eye contact] Well, uhhh, I hate to see you go, Vince. But uhh, before you send off, let’s bring Mike in here for a second and, uhh [Looks at the floor, rubs chin, picks up phone] Yeah, Mike, can you come into my office please? I’m here with Vince. Thanks.
VINCE YOUNG: Yo let’s go! Hurry this shit up! I gotta get to the Draft right now, man!
Titans Offensive Coordinator MIKE HEIMERDINGER: You wanted to see me, Jeff?
JEFF FISHER: Come on in, Mike. Close the door. Now Vince. Tell Mike what you just told me.
VINCE YOUNG: YEAH, CHECK THIS SHIT OUT! I’M GOING TO THE 2009 NFL DRAFT, BITCH! I’M THROUGH WITH THIS DAMN TEAM! I’M THROUGH WITH ALL THESE JESUS FAGGOTS WANTIN’ TO KNOW WHERE I GO TO CHURCH! I’M SICK OF ALL THIS SHIT! SO I’M DECLARING MYSELF ELIGIBLE FOR THE DRAFT! MOTHERFUCKER!
[MIKE HEIMERDINGER looks at JEFF FISHER, dumbstruck]
JEFF FISHER: Mike, I think it would be a classy move…on our part…to wish Vince good luck, and thank him for his service to the Titans. The…the NFL Titans.
MIKE HEIMERDINGER: Well, yes. Of course. Vince, we wish nothing but the best for you…and your new NFL career. [stifles giggling]
VINCE YOUNG: Thank you. I really appreciate it.
[KERRY COLLINS opens the door, sounds very Keanu Reeves-ish]
KERRY COLLINS: Hey Coach, today can we do gin and then save the whiskey for–
[looks around the room] Oh, am I late for a meeting or something? You alright Coach Mike? Your face is all red.
JEFF FISHER: Sit down, Kerry, and close the door. Now Vince. Tell Kerry what you just told me.
VINCE YOUNG: The Draft, man…I’m blowin’ off all you crackers and goin’ to the draft.
KERRY COLLINS: What? What do you mean?
VINCE YOUNG: I SAID I’M DECLARING ELIGIBLE FOR THE MOTHERFUCKIN’ DRAFT, HONKY! I’M TIRED OF YOUR MOUNTAIN LANDSCAPES AND HOUSES WITHOUT BASEMENTS! FUCK THIS SHIT! ALL THIS SHIT! I’M GOING TO THE NFL DRAFT AND MAKING MILLIONS!
KERRY COLLINS: Oh, that’s awesome man. Good luck and all that.
VINCE YOUNG: Fuck you.
KERRY COLLINS: Yeah, it’s cool.
JEFF FISHER: Now Vince, you’ve filed all your paperwork…your Draft paperwork…with the League, right?
VINCE YOUNG: Yeah, I had my agent do it. In fact, I should finish cleaning out my locker and get my phone. He’ll probably want to reach me after he calls them.
MIKE HEIMERDINGER: [covering mouth with both hands] Oh, God, I think I’m gonna die! This is too much! Too much!
KERRY COLLINS: It’s okay, coach. We’ll find another overpaid backup quarterback. But coach? I thought only college players could enter the Draft.
VINCE YOUNG: What?
JEFF FISHER: GODDAMN IT KERRY! YOU RUINED IT!
BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OH GOD I JUST PISSED MYSELF! HAHAHA!
VINCE YOUNG: No, I’m eligible! I’m declaring myself eligible!
JEFF FISHER: How the fuck you think you got on this team, Vince? Besides, the draft was last week. Now go get ready for practice. Both of you. [KERRY and VINCE leave] Well, Coach. Looks like you owe me a new couch.
MIKE HEIMERDINGER: Totally worth it. I haven’t laughed that hard in years.
JEFF FISHER: How dumb could one guy be? Did he think he could just put on a hat and someone would just drop a bag of money on him? That doesn’t happen with guys that have actually played in this League.
MIKE HEIMERDINGER: Well, we did let Albert Haynesworth go. That was pretty fuckin’ stupid.
JEFF FISHER: Oh, shut up.
I want more like this!
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