Throwin’ TDs on the Reg, Makin’ Comebacks on the Reg
[You're listening to the audiobook of "Fresh to Jeff" by Jeff George. Read by Jeff George]
Jeff George: And that’s why my career never panned out with the broke-dick Redskins. A Mickey Mouse operation like that with a Napoleanic figurehead, there’s no hope for even the most badass of gridiron generals. I’m just one man. A fucking gladiator, but still, one dude. There’s only so much I can do with organizational failure. Listen here, you ever wanna have success in this life, you can’t fraternize with little lying Jews and Marty Schottenheimer. One, maybe. Both? No. Fucking. Way. You just can’t. Unfortunately I was pressed into situations out of my control. Most teams couldn’t handle a QB you can put it in the endzone from his own 10-yard-line. It’s a threat to the master intricate gameplan bullshit put together by fuckwit coaches impressed with their own stupidity.
This one time I was in contract negotiation with Bill Tobin and he says to my agent, “Look, we respect Jeff’s arm strength, but his demeanor on the field has been anything but amenable to our goals as a football team.” So I get all up in his face and told him I’d plant a Hail Mary halfway up his small intestine if he didn’t give me more guaranteed money. Next thing I know my ass was in Atlanta. Fucking pussy shit, if you ask me. Respect the negotiating tactics like a fucking gentleman.
[You've been listening the audiobook of "Fresh to Jeff" by Jeff George. Read by Jeff George]
Jason Whitlock: Yo Jeff.
J F’N G: [Purposely gazes off into the middle distance]
Jason Whitlock: So when we gonna pop shit off? Hit up the IHOP and get slop-payyyy!?
J F’N G: Yeah. Yeah. We’ll get to that soon enough. First thing’s first. I got another mission for you.
Whitlock: Oh yeah, sure, Jeff. Anything. What’s up?
J F’N G: There’s this bitch in the league office I’ve had my eye on. But, y’know, things being what they are, it’d be weird for me to come up on her job and talk to her, what with teams being fucking blind and gay and not offering me work. So I need you to go up in there and drop some hints all subtle-like that Jeff George is on the prowl.
Whitlock: Oh my god. That bitch is cray-zay hot. I would totally, like, lick her pussy and sex that ass raw. [Offers fist pound which is not reciprocated]
J F’N G: Yeah, so, if you could just do that, that’d be a big help to me. And greatly appreciated.
Whitlock: This means I get to call you my friend, Jeff George?
J F’N G: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Settle on down there, compadre. Let’s just handle the business at hand and not get all wrapped up in some semiotics shit.
Whitlock: Yeah, I don’t know what I was thinking.
J F’N G: Your brain, homesauce.
Whitlock: Yeah.
J F’N G: Well? You got your assignment.
Whitlock: Right! [Shuffles off]
Tags: J f'nin' G, transparent spoofs, xmas ape
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April 7th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
I had a dream about this moment… When I was making love… to my wife Donna. On top a her; powerful thrusts, filling the sultry night air. Heavy breath. My son Gabriel walked in, little boy. My wife sprung out of bed and said “No, Gabriel! Leave!” And I said “No, honey, shut your mouth, let him watch.” Let him watch what is being consecrated here. And I want the people to watch what is going to be consecrated here. And I will bring my son down here, and he will watch.
April 7th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Strangely, I both know how Jason Whitlock feels, and am sympathetic to his plight.
/been married way tooooooooo long
/dick joke
April 7th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Is it true that Jeff George has a cock like a Burmese python?
April 7th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Look at Drew going off on a Kenny Powers trip. Well played, sir.
April 7th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Alright you stoic little bastard. In the computer room, little second drawer where I keep my weed. Underneath the handgun there’s a stash of porn that’ll put calluses on those little hands of yours.
April 7th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
You wanna know about relationships? I know all there is to know. Just ask my second wife, Tina. Yeah, she was a stripper. And if Montel Williams wants to talk shit some more the he can go fuck himself, cause those charges were dropped.
April 7th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
I just want to know who plays April in this cast, and whether or not she will actually show us the goods, or go all chicken-shit with the body double like the original.
April 7th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
I can totally hear the Danny McBride voice as I read that
April 7th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
I need to get my HBO back
April 7th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
“I thought the blacks in Baltimore were bad, , they’re nothing compared to these fags you got here in San Francisco…haha.”
April 7th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Why is there blue shit on your face, Cleg? What, did you just blow Robocop?
April 7th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
I’m not going to stop yelling, because that would mean I lost the fight!
April 7th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Needs more topless skanks on jetskis.
April 7th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Whitlock… photo… too… big.
GAAAAAAAAAAA!
April 7th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
New York? You mean Jew York.
April 7th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
A gold card might get you tickets to the Jonas Brothers. Black will get all three of them sucking your dick!
April 7th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
I know one of us has had their own personal stylist, and the other shoplifts their shit from Fashion Bug. That’s what I know.
April 7th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
I’m willing to bet Whitlock has forgotten himself and signed something “Mrs. Jason George” a time or two. I’m certain he wears Falcons #1 jersey when he uses two fingers to punch the monkey.
April 7th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Listen here you beautiful bitch, because I’m about to fuck you up with some truth..
That’s probably my favorite quote from the whole season. I can’t find until I have a girlfriend to use this line on.
April 7th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
There is one vision that gives me constant happiness, [Whitlock's] two enormous breasts….
Wait, what?
April 7th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
You gotta love Will Ferrell w/ the Ric Flair hair and shades.
April 7th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Work, drugs!
April 7th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
So is it me, or is Jeff George the prototype for the Sex Cannon?
April 7th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Katy Mixon is the chick that plays April. I’ve been in love w/ that hot piece of Flo-duh ass since the 1st episode.
April 7th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
I get it, George is “Fresh” in much the same way as Summer’s Eve is “fresh.”
/still a douche
April 7th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Looks like Whitlock’s usual quality of reporting, too. Bill Polian was in Carolina yet when George was traded to Atlanta. I believe it was the infamous Bill Tobin in Indy at the time…might wanna check with Mel Kiper for verification.
April 7th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Ah, that’s right.
/fudges forgettable Colts history
April 7th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
If that stache could tell stories of George’s conquests on the road, he’d finally replace Kevin Elster as my asshole-with-a-huge-sex-drive hero complex.
April 7th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
You named your kid after a movie? You gotta be shitting me. What’s his name-fucking Shrek?
April 7th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Don’t act like you don’t know about drugs when you do!
April 7th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
I’m ready to butt fuck this party.
April 7th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
Whenever somebody mentions what a great arm Cutler has, and how he is such a talent, I think back on all the championships Jeff George won. Cutler has the potential to tie him.
April 7th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
As a Colts fan, I am prevented from remembering anything prior to 1998.
As far as I’m concerned, the team came into existence in April 1998, sprung fully formed from Zeus’ head.
April 7th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
One time I was invited to come to a social gathering. I was paid a handsome amount of money. I brought a shotgun and a bottle of Tanqueray and showed those people the best fuckin’ time they’ve ever seen.
April 7th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
If at first you don’t succeed, THEN MAYBE YOU JUST SUCK.
/nooch
/fu grinch
April 7th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
I wish Jeff George would start a pick up chicks business. Neil Strauss and Mystery could be his rival and George could use Whitlock as his megaphone to discredit Mystery. Man, I bet Mystery would become empurpled.
April 7th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
can i wear the scream mask when I do you from behind…
get the fuck out
April 7th, 2009 at 11:24 pm
Jason, Jeff George is sorry that he kissed on your fiancee’s pussy.
April 8th, 2009 at 2:21 am
If there’s one thing Jeff George hates, it’s losing. If there’s two things Jeff George hates, it’s losing and getting cancer.
April 8th, 2009 at 2:27 am
Bat fight…the game of kings
April 8th, 2009 at 9:40 am
I MEANT to hit him in the face with the ball… I got my throwing motion back!
April 8th, 2009 at 11:10 am
“..It’s like a condom for your mouth, no big deal, plus you don’t know what kinda shit I got either” [opening credits]
April 16th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
test
October 3rd, 2009 at 9:31 pm
Решил немного обсудить всякий беред и мусор интернета, вот если взять пример сайт , мы видим статью после которой множество коментариев и не в тему , так как это всё мусор, а ведь это всё мешает поисковым машинам искань нужный текст для нас((( как бы от него избавиться раз и на всегда?