They Do Things A Bit Differently In Raidervania
(crypt flies open)
Count Al: HISSSSSSSS!!! HA HA HA! Vunce again, Count Al Davis has confounded the experts! BLAH! BLAH! They said no vun vould be dumb enough to take Heyvard-Bey so high! THEY SAID EET VOULD BE BATTY! BATTY! But vee showed them! Vee showed them all, deedn’t vee Mummy Art Shell?
Mummy Art Shell: Durrrrrr…
Count Al: And they said no vun vould vant Michael Meetchell! But vee know better! Vee alone know that speed keells, and then turns you undead! EET’S TRUE! But eet ees not enough, my precious mummy friend! Vee need more speed! That ees vye I have arranged to meet a very special group of free agents here today! Come! Come, free agents! Make yourself at home here in my castle! No, vat ees your name, prospect?
Road Runner: Meep meep.
Count Al: Hmm. I like this prospect, this Meep! But tell me, Mr. Meep. You seem to have very skeeny legs! You remind me of Todd Peenkston, and that is verrrry scarrrry! Todd Peenkston vas a HUGE PUSSY, Mr. Meep! A real gash, eef you know vat I mean!
Road Runner: Meep meep.
Count Al: Vell, eef you’re as fast as I theenk you are, your leetle toothpeeck legs should not be a problem! Let us see you run, Meep!
Road Runner: Meep meep.
(runs 40 in 0.00006 seconds)
Count Al: Vee must sign this man. Mummy Art Shell, geev these man forty meelion dollars!
Mummy Art Shell: Durrrrrr…
Road Runner: Meep meep.
Count Al: Hold steel, Mr. Meep! Mummy Art Shell needs just a small vial of blood to complete our transaction!
Road Runner: Meep meep.
Count Al: Oh, you like to play hardball, do you? NO VUN GETS VUN OVER ON COUNT AL! Vee shall see how much leverage you have after I trick you into eating magnetic birdseed and then I turn on thees giant electromagnet!
Road Runner: Meep meep.
(runs away)
Count Al: Ach! Mummy Art Shell, chase heem off that cleef!
Mummy Art Shell: Durrrrrr…
Count Al: DRAT! He got avay! Raider Meelt, vat did you think of thees Mr. Meep?
Raider Milt: HE A BITCH! HE A FAGGOT! Yo yo, Mr. Davis. I ain’t even gonna lie. I WILL FUCK THAT FUCKING BITCH UP.
Count Al: I guess vee shall have to try other prospects. You? Vat ees your name?
Speedy: Mi nombre es Speedy, senor!
Count Al: HISS! SVINE FLU! GET AVAY FROM ME, YOU DIRTY MEXICAN SVINELOVER! I MAY BE UNDEAD, BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN I LIKE GERMS!
Speedy: Pero el senor Gay Zorro dime Count Al le gusta el Speedy! ARRIBA ARRIBA!
Count Al: Vell, Gay Zorro has much to learn about how vee do theengs here, you feelthy speec!
Raider Milt: THAT GUY A MEXICAN FAGGOT!
Count Al: NEXT!
Bolt: I was toll dere be vampyires up in hyere. Dis for troo, mon?
Count Al: Ah! Come closer, my dear Usain! Allow me to look you over! I understand you are qvite fast, young man! AND THAT YOU VUN HOW MANY GOLD MEDALS? VUN! TWO! THREE GOLD MEDALS! HAH HAH HAH!
(thunder rolls)
I also like the vay you pull up before the end of the race. YOU VURR A BORN RAIDER, BOLT! Vee shall pair you veeth veeth a very fast third-streeng hurdler I found at Oberleen! NO VUN SHALL OUTRUN US NOW! SUCK ON THAT, KAVAKAMI! HA HA HA!!!!
Raider Milt: THAT GUY A JAMAICAN FAGGOT! Mr. Davis, he be mindfucked! He better not come in the Black Hole, or else we will RAPE HIS HEAD.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, Count Al, i think they drafted Slade norris just because his name was cool, inexplicable draft choices
April 28th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
What a horrible draft to have a curse!
April 28th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Which one was Raider Milt? The one that looked like Donovan McNabb, or Maj. All those guys in hoodies look alike!
April 28th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
I want the real Raider Milt to do a guest post.
April 28th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Very nice. I like to picture Mummy Art Shell running off a cliff, hanging in midair and holding a sign that says “Uh-oh” before falling.
Man, it must’ve been some scene in the Raiders’ War Dungeon.
April 28th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Don’t forget about the 73rd best safety in round two.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the only thing keeping the Lions from being the laughingstock of the NFL…. your Oakland Raiders.
April 28th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
In a world gone mad the Raiders’ continuing fuckeduppedness is comforting. 4-12.
April 28th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
The Raiders are unstoppable on Madden though.
April 28th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Man, all I had to see was “(crypt flies open)” to start laughing.
The thing that really makes Count Al fearsome is the glasses on a chain hanging around his neck.
April 28th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Run Brandon Myers, RUN! It’s a trap. Please don’t go in there. DON’T GO IN THERE! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
April 28th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Doesn’t Count AL have any punk ass kids like Steinbrenner that want to take over the franchise? It would be so easy now to force him out on the grounds of having lost his marbles.
April 28th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Ladies and Gentlemen, the only thing keeping the Lions from being the laughingstock of the NFL…. your Oakland Raiders.
Nope, the Lions are still the laughingstock of the NFL.
April 28th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
@ Stuscott
Agreed. When you go winless in a league where this silver and black trainwreck manages 5 wins, you don’t get to laugh at anyone.
April 28th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Ladies and Gentlemen, the only thing keeping the Lions from being the laughingstock of the NFL…. your Oakland Raiders.
Nope, the Lions are still the laughingstock of the NFL.
The difference: The Lions make shitty picks that no one cares about. The Raiders make shitty picks that make everyone laugh.
I’m surprised we haven’t seen JaMarcus “The Blob” Russell make an appearance yet.
April 28th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Finally, my semester of Spanish pays off.
I can’t believe there’s a “serious” discussion of Lions and Raiders anywhere in the world, let alone on here.
April 28th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
“I also like the vay you pull up before the end of the race. YOU VURR A BORN RAIDER, BOLT!”
Fantastic. Laughed out loud in the library.
April 28th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Seriously though-can Speedy Gonzales outrun the Flash?
April 28th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Franken-Russell?
April 28th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
And remember, bitches back in 45 minutes, or Milt cuts your balls off!
April 28th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
I was toll dere be vampyires up in hyere. Dis for troo, mon?
OK, that had me laughing my ass off. This is the follow-up line after Count Al asks for some blood:
Ay star, you no wan ramp wit me. Me no play dem bumbo klaat games, you mussie tink me some kinda batty man ar sinting. Smmh. A where de exit deh no mon?
April 28th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
It lacked Art holding an ACME sign, but otherwise, brilliant.
Where’s Buffy when you need her?
April 28th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Usain Bolt would be an awesome signing actually. Who knows how good he’d be, but I’d buy his jersey.
Which is exactly why the Raiders won’t sign him.
April 28th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
If you want a cool jersey, have Bolt sign with the Chargers.
/Berman just came.
April 28th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
qwijibo, that was fucking fantastic. Does this make Usain Bolt the new Jamaican Simon Belmont?
April 28th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
“crypt door flies open” and I was done.
Well done.
April 28th, 2009 at 8:44 pm
@Animal Mother
He’s got a son but I don’t think he wants to take over. He’s kind of a prick and I think hes gay. My warrior courtside seats are a next to his and he never talks about football. Maybe I can convince him to pull the plug though.
April 29th, 2009 at 12:04 am
geez that eagles super bowl team was full of stars.. todd stinkston, james trash and fredex to go along with TO
April 29th, 2009 at 12:37 am
VUN! TWO! THREE GOLD MEDALS! HAH HAH HAH! That really made me laugh, was tough to explain at work…
April 29th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Why was there a Calgary flames flag beside a Oakland Raiders flag in that youtube video?