The Trouble With Fatties, Foreigners and All Cutler All the Time: The KSK Sex and Football Mailbag
Welcome again to the KSK sexified feature that largely leaves the nasty fetishes at the door. In this installment, we get a little primer of HPV, disgusting discharge, muff-guessing and 30,000 goddamn questions about the fate of the Sulkmaster General. Allez, les perverts!
Dear Blumpkin Aficionados,
Sex: I dated this European chick for two years through study abroad, summer visits, Skype (sigh), etc. and I almost moved there permanently to be with her. Predictably, a few days before I left my life here with a ring in tow, she told me not to come but she still “loved” me, but in a different way. I’ve had a lot of time to process this and had somewhat come to terms with it. We are still speaking as friends since I’ve known the girl for years and have visited her small hometown yearly to see my family. Then she told me she is back together with a former boyfriend, and after a quick Google search I discovered that this asshat looks nearly identical to Drew fucking Carey and runs a business that sounds suspiciously like drug-dealing.
So eventually she’ll be sold into prostitution in Albania. It sucks, but you’d be better off cutting your losses.
Now, I have a lot of reasons to believe that this fuck-face was spitting his pudgy game while she was still with me (someone fucking built that bicycle I sent) and I was still jerking off to thoughts of “so happy you’re here” sex, so I’d like some vengeance. He’s apparently super-jealous that she still speaks with me so that’s cut down on the conversations. Lately she’s been sending me messages that she misses talking to me, etc. I am planning on a 3-month visit there this summer anyways to visit my cousins so here are my questions:
1. Do I have a shot in hell of hooking up with her while I’m there? She’s a solid 8 and has no fucking clue which is fantastic.
Yes, you most definitely have a shot with this crazy Euro-cunt. But, and I really stress, do not do it. Unless you want Drew Carey to star in the real life version of Eastern Promises.
c. How should I go about this, and, if remotely conceivable, how do I trick her into just straight up moving to the U.S.? (I’m done making crazy plans to move away)
But crazy inconceivable plans to shanghai foreigners into the U.S. are still on the table!
B. If said hook up occurs, do I go for tender, compassionate boyfriend sex or shock her with brutal ass fucking?
You’ve got some animosity to exorcise, so I think we both know the answer to that one.
ii. How do I get the sound of this dickhead’s ribs cracking as I beat him with an anvil out of my head?
iPod. (Also available in Mini and Nano)
Football: Is there any chance that Al Davis removes his fangs from Darren McFadden’s cock long enough for him to have some decent games this season? Should I bother even thinking of him for fantasy next year?
Thanks,
I Never Even Got Breakup Sex Damn It.
Run-DMC still plays in the AFC West, where defense is punishable under penalty of death, so he should at least reel off some decent games against division rivals. I’d say he’s a decent option as a second running back.
Dear Man Landers,
Football – Who to keep: DeAngelo Williams or Brandon Jacobs?
Tough call. Probably can’t go wrong either way. Because of the years of fantasy horror that DeAngelo inflicted on me, I’m still not apt to trust him. Plus with Derrick Ward’s departure from New York, Jacobs will probably have an even larger share of the carries.
Sex – What is the best way to clean the inside of your cannon from “powder residue” after firing. Having to “band aid” the underwear later in the day in order to take a leak is quite the nuisance.
S’up Chronic Masturbators
/shudders
With all the HPV talk, I decided to talk to my doctor about it at my last annual exam. It turns out that as far as genital warts, which is considered a low-grade form of the HPV virus, they said they see women all the time who have them. The women come in mortified but apparently there is a pill that helps with the outbreak. My doctor said 1/3 of the population has the virus and that 70 percent of people over the age of 40 have it. So essentially, if you slept with more than 3 people, you have some form of the virus. You’ll never know who you got it from unless you only ever had one sex partner. Also, it’s transmitted by genital to genital contact. Those areas have, obviously, more sensitive skin which allows this skin virus to pass along. You cannot get it on your hands. The highlight is that my doctor, who has been practicing for 15 years, has never seen someone get HPV in their mouth. She is of the opinion that the acid in a person’s mouth would inhibit the virus from being transmitted and oral sex is a go!! (whoo hoo – can’t live without that).
One last mention about the genital warts form of the virus. If you contract genital warts but your partner had no symptoms, it doesn’t mean that you did not get the virus from them. Only some people will actually develop warts. It is dependent upon each individual’s immune system and its ability to keep the symptoms at bay. Also, different strains of the HPV virus tends to run in pairs. So if you have one strain it’s highly likely you have another as well.
Just wanted to share.
Any chance of the Titans getting in on the Jay Cutler trade?
Crystal
No, though Cutler trying to motivate LenWhale is a tantalizing prospect.
KSK,
I love road head (and am lucky enough to have a girlfriend who enjoys giving it on occasion). Sometimes, however, I need a little self-love in the car. What’s the best method for punishing the meat while driving so as to endanger other drivers the least? Pull over? Don’t worry about cleanup, I’ve got a pretty good method in mind.
Drive an automatic.
Who do you think is going to get Jay Cutler? Will anybody get anything close to a good deal, or will buyer’s remorse rule the day?
Reckless Driver
Nothing would please me more than having the Redskins foolishly forfeit yet another first round pick, but I see the Jets getting Cutler, given how much they’ve invested in free agents in recent years and how clear they’ve been in their distrust of Kellen Clemens. [UPDATE: Whoops!]
Homo hit men of the Gay Mafia,
How would you rank these positions: missionary, doggy style, standing while your lady lays with her ass on the edge of the bed and legs in the air (my favorite since I get a bird’s eye view of the boobies and my shaft banging the puss), her on top tits facing you, and her on top back facing you. I’m sure there will be many different opinions on this.
1. Edge of bed/counter/tab
2. Her on top, facing you
3. Doggy
4. Her on top, facing away
5. Missionary
Fantasy football question: I know we are a long way from football season, but I need to keep one of these QB’s: Roethlisberger, Ryan, or Rodgers.
I await your sage advice.
John F.
Rodgers was startlingly one of the best fantasy QBs in the league last year. Neither Rongrastname nor Ryan, while good, are gonna put up those type of numbers.
Dear Lords of all things Sex and Football,
Sex: I am a high school senior who recently asked his really good friend to prom. I’ve liked her for a long time, but were only going as friends. I fear am I in the dreaded friend zone, prom is in two weeks (I know, my school is retarded), is there any way for me to wiggle my way out?
Football: In fantasy football league, who should I keep (only get to keep two of three) out of Fitz, McNabb and Sproles?
Thanks,
Mr. [Name Redacted]
The Chargers, against their better interests, will continue to give LaToeInjury the majority of the touches next season, so Fitty and McNabb are the keepers. Unless the penalty for keeping Sproles in a really low round pick, in which case keep him and get another QB.
KSK crew,
A while back you guys helped me out in my quest for bald chipmunk. Excellent advice and it has paid off! Which leads to my current dilemma:
Sex – I have found a lady goodly enough to sleep with me. All is good except for the fact that the smell of her vaginal secretions is overwhelming. Not so much vinegary or like there’s something wrong, but they are so pungent that it has affected my enjoyment of the experience. It’s just a real thick heavy B.O. funk. So, how do I broach this particular subject with her?
Oh, so farts are funny but queefs are not!? SEXIST!
Either learn to deal with it or tell her to cut back on the red meat.
Fantasy – I have been my league’s commissioner for four years now and we’re pretty relaxed about payment of fees. I can afford to float people when necessary and they always pay. Well, I just barely now got the last two guys’ money ($50 per person). Granted, they got laid off, so I’m cutting them some slack, but I still think there should be some sort of creative and fun punishment. Any suggestions?
Some sort of injury that will be doubly horrible with their newfound lack of health insurance.
You perverts are gonna love this. I give you…Guess Her Muff. So very NSFW.
Muchos besos,
Clare
Uh, thanks for sharing, Clare.
Dear handsome gentlemen,
Sex: How long of a dry spell should a single man endure before 1) having sex with any girl that will consent or 2) paying for it?
Six months.
Football: Actually more of a general fandom question. My roommates are obnoxious bandwagon jumpers, each claiming Maryland, Kansas and now Villanova over the last two NCAA tournaments and switching from the Sawks to the Phillies last year. Their NFL fandom is predictably weak. Verbally insulting them in drunken frustration is no longer satisfying and hasn’t stopped them from switching teams and taunting me about my alma mater (UNC). They need to learn a lesson. Suggestions?
Affectionately,
Law students are awful people
So, wait, we’re supposed to identify with the Tar Heels fan? I don’t blame them for rooting against you in the Tourney. Sawx and/or Phillies fandom is unforgivable though. But then it’s baseball, so who gives a fuck?
Dear Commanders of the Clit,
First of all, not to be a dick, but in case you ever get in a drunken bet I don’t want you to lose your money…”dot com” is short of .commercial. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/.com
Worst bar bet ever. You say “dot.org” doesn’t stand for orgasm? I’ve been searching for porn all wrong!
Now to the sex. I’m lucky enough to have been blessed with stamina while making the beast with two backs. Sometimes it gets to the point where my woman is begging me to cum and she knows playing with my balls, even smacking em a bit, helps me to finish. Times like these what I really want is my grundle/gooch/gaza strip played with. Thing is, I don’t want to freak the lady out at all for wanting her near my anoos. (We have a mutual respect for bunghole privacy) How do I ask her without her thinking I’m a sicko to reach a little deeper and give some attention to the taint?
You could always instruct her to do a little taint-tickling while in mid-ballplay. Chances are she’s not wild about that either and wants to just finish up. Letting her know the task will be expedited with taintage will help your cause.
Bears-centric Football two-parter: 1. Any chance the Bears make a stab at Cutlerfucker?
The Bears seem to be also-rans in the Cutlerfucker sweepstakes, [UPDATE: Whoops again!] which strikes me as an odd one. A capable quarterback he may be, Cutler is by the second turning into more and more of a helmet-haired bitch that no teammate can possibly respect. True, that doesn’t mean he’s not an upgrade over the Neckbeard, but not enough that you need to mortgage the future for him. Besides, who the fuck would he throw to?
2. How late does Forte go in fantasy drafts this year?
Straight in San Francisco
Top 10 pick.
Greetings, ball-gaggers,
I come to you with questions of etiquette, hoping that the Emily Post of Sportsbloggers could assist.
Wow. That’s an Emily Post and an Ann Landers reference in the same mailbag. Thankfully Carolyn Hax has yet to be namechecked, lest I garrote myself.
Football: I have a long and storied history of doing incredibly poorly in my pools. Is there any good way to lose or refuse graciously, when you’re asked to join just so some other dillhole can say he didn’t come in last? It helps that my fees are covered from time to time, but it’s starting to get humiliating.
Why would you want to lose gracefully?
Sex: What’s the waiting period on banging a friend’s ex-wife? We’re not close friends, and the separation isn’t quite finalized, but I almost hooked up with her before they ever got together, but she was too drunk and passed out, literally, with her hand down my pants. She’s been in touch now that word is out that they’re splitsville, but I don’t want to risk offending my friends, who know this guy a lot better than I do.
Yours eternally,
Blue-ball City
Wait it out until the separation is complete. Either way, you’re in for some uneasiness.
Gentlemen,
I’ve got a long-term girlfriend, so no worries of disease. So is there anything wrong with me using the withdrawal method of birth control?
DREW: Not if you’re ready for fatherhood.
FLUBBY: Dude, that shit worked like a charm for me for ten years — no complaints here.
I know all those stats that say what percent effective it is, but is that bullshit if you really manage to get out of Dodge in time?
Yes. Until you don’t.
Keeper league question – Brandon Marshall, with a big question mark at QB, or Terrell Owens, with an equally big question mark at QB?
In a keeper league, it’s gotta be Marshall. Though if the Broncos end up with a rookie starting next year, that could spell trouble. Not that Cutler and Marshall were really all that simpatico either though.
Salami Chokers,
Sex: After a real nice 10-12 year run of getting tail (no superman by any means) from my late teens in New York to a liberal arts college, through Europe and Asia, I have hit some hard times. I have been out of work for well past a year, living off whats left of my savings and sucking it up and moving in with my father and his cramped ass apartment. I did what every other asshole does when he loses his job and sense of self worth, I got fat, real fat. With the economy being what it is and my industry taking a tailspin I doubt that there is going to be work coming anytime soon. So here’s my question: I am officially down to my last 100 bucks, now do I take this money and get the 3 month membership (recession special) at the local gym and get my fat ass back in shape; or do I take the last of my money go to a local dive and get drunk enough to bag and tag a wildebeest? Lets just say that my unemployment has gone hand in hand with my celibacy and I am quite desperate. So do I take the long term solution and become palatable to the female species again or do I just say fuck it and do what needs to be done with someone as desperate as me? My last hundred goes where you say it goes.
Sucks for you that you drew one of the two KSKers who actually exercises from time to time. However, here’s the thing with lose weight versus boozy one-night stand: Can’t you do both? You can exercise without joining a gym. However, I would still advise going the gym route. Bagging some stocky hag as a last resort is only gonna make you feel worse in the long run. Plus staying a ghastly space eater isn’t gonna help the already bleak job prospects.
Football: 2nd and 3rd from the Giants to the Brownholes for Braylon Edwards, Fair?
Easy,
Trope
Absolutely fair. Though I’m a little freaked about how well this will probably work out for the Giants if it goes down. I can see Braylon having a redemptive year, especially if he goes to a contending team.
Dear olestors of mailbag,
Sex: So I’ve been with “the one” for over three years, and I’m moving close to popping the question, but one thing is holding me back…..since we started dating she has gone from a legit boner-in-my-jeans-inducing 9.5 to arguably a 7 (this is not me getting sick of her, this has been confirmed by third parties). She’s not “fat”, but moving dangerously in that direction, she’s thrown in the towel on workouts/eating healthy/getting all done up/blowjobs, and I cant imagine what five more years and maybe a kid will do to her. To compound this problem, I am a personal trainer, bodybuilder and a fucking dietitian [Maj edit: Read - douchebag]. She interprets any diet or exercise advice I give her as me calling her a fat fuck to her face. Should I suck it up and hope for the best or cut my losses and start banging some of my hot 20-year-old clients?
Yeah, that’s a red flag. A burgeoning fatty and one who’s majorly defensive about it. You’re in a pretty untenable (and unwinnable situation here). And this is pre-ring. Still, it could be that as a real life Brad Pitt in Burn After Reading, you’re setting that fitness bar a bit high. If she keeps on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’ into the fat-ture, bang the hotties.
Football: Any advice on a new favorite team? I am a lifelong, diehard, former season ticket holding redskins fan, until now. Their signing of an injury plagued Haynesworth to that obscene deal, a flirtation with TO, their inevitable pooch-screwing of the draft, and now their hot pursuit of cutlerfucker and subsequent alienation of Campbell has broken me. Anything but the NFC-east is fine, or the Steelers, fuck them.
You’re quick to jump ship on things when they start going bad, huh? I’ll let that Steelers slight slide just this once. However, you can’t switch teams, dicksmack. Girls you can cheat on, but favorite teams? That’s some reprehensible shit. I mean, Lions fans would kill for what you got and some of those wearied, masochistic souls still occupy that fanbase.
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:46 pm
Dear God, I love Keely.
Can I reiterate that I think it would be a fantastic idea to have writers to the mailbag provide a “Where Are They Now” update after a month? Come on, for most of these things, we seriously want to know what happened! Did you get the anal? Did you get the threesome? Did your wife cut off your balls for videotaping her sister in the shower? Are you still a virgin?
These are the questions that keep America awake at night. We need anwers!
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Clare, thanks for that link.
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Personal trainer guy: is it possible that she has switched birth control and/or anti-depressants (or possibly NEEDS anti-depressants)? Just something to consider before you chalk it up to pure laziness.
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:51 pm
I’m in vindictive asshole mode today, so to “I Never Even Got Breakup Sex Dammit”, I’d say, don’t go over there, instead make her come here. That way there’s no danger of that fucker showing up in the middle of the night with a knife while lightning flashes behind him.
Then brutally fuck the living daylights out of her. Seriously. The reason you HAVEN’T been doing that is the reason she went back to some fat fuck. He probably porks her with a two by four and she loves it.
Wait to see what wins the nasty fetish tournament, then do that. Better yet, do all of the final fucking four. Then tape it and post it on the internet.
Viva la revolucion!
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:54 pm
To the guy with the girl with the stinky beaver, invest in a pair of nose plugs.
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Use soapy water on the cannon, acid on the HPV…
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:59 pm
long-term dude: “is that bullshit if you really manage to get out of Dodge in time?”
the pre-cum can carry sperm, so it’s really not bullshit
though usually that sperm is left over in the urethra, either from a prior wank or earlier sex
so if you are doing it more than once, have a piss in between. that will usually clean out the tube (should also help that dude with the sticky drawers problem)
some small percentage of men will actually have some sperm in their pre-cum, even w/o the prior encounter
if you’re one of these unfortunate bastards, deal with the consequences
make sure you give her the towel before you use it, while you’re at it…
/not a doctor
/also not a father
fitter-than-his-chick dude: never mind what she looks like, how are you possibly contemplating marrying a chick who has stopped giving you head?
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Ok, can somebody translate the myriad euphemisms from cannon/band-aid guy? I think I understand what he’s saying, but not 100% positive.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:00 pm
I’m with Katni. If your girl is letting her physical appearance deteriorate (and pretty severely, from what it sounds like), she may be going through any number of unhappy and difficult mental things (which you, despite having dated her for three years, are most likely too dense and self-absorbed to pick up on). Women LIKE looking pretty. We don’t just let ourselves go to shit to test your loyalty or some stupid shit like that. Ask your lady what’s up and stop thinking about what the fuck your friends think for a minute.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Did I miss something with the “powder cleaning” e-mail? I’m a guy and I have no idea what he’s talking about with the “band aid”. However, the best advice I know for both guys and girls post-”firing” is to take a leak. It cleans the pipes and flushes out all sorts of bacteria that can cause UTIs.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Dump the chick who’s getting fat. Not because she’s getting fat, but because she clearly doesn’t give a shit about staying attractive. This goes for men too. Listen up, you dough-assed douchebags. She notices that divot in the couch getting deeper by the day. She sees that your waistband is disappearing under a roll of flab. Show some goddamn pride in yourself and some respect for her. And if that doesn’t work, keep in mind that she remembers how good you used to look and sooner or later she’s going to start noticing how good other guys look. Then, you’ll just be a lonely fat dude jerking off to Denise Austin reruns and drinking mayonnaise straight from the jar, while she’s fucking some dude she met at the gym. AND you’ll need to work out for six-months anyway before you’ll be presentable when nude.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:03 pm
You guys seemed to have missed answering several questions.
In any case.
1) Clare, you are a goddess. Thank you.
2) @ High School Kid Name Redacted. You are most definitely in the friend zone, so the odds of you laying her are pretty much zero. (Unless you get her stupidly drunk, in which case she’ll just vomit on you while you’re poking her, so that’s not advisable.)
However, ditching her seems a pretty surefire way to get her supremely pissed at you, which will likely ruin your friendship. Why not take her and see if something else becomes available that night? If she’s really your friend, she’s not going to begrudge you getting laid.
(And if she is then why the fuck are you friends with her anyways?)
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:03 pm
oh, yeah, for the guy whose chick has stinky beaver feaver: does the chick drink water? try and get her to drink more water and eat more fresh fruit. seriously. it’s a chick so you might not want to tell her why. shit, wouldn’t you change your diet if a chick said your cum was too salty?
if that doesn’t work, find another chick. there’s some dude out there that wants her ripe funk, let him have her. they come in all flavors
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:03 pm
WTF was that guy talking about when he asked about a “band aid” in his underwear?
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:05 pm
Thank you Peter and Confused- thought it was just me since I don’t have the equipment.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:05 pm
yah the prom question was me. Didn’t get an answer on the girl part (I’m not bitching at all) by the way good call on the sproles thing, he only costs me like an 11th rounder (where I drafted him last year). just looking for reader help on the girl thing. In case you don’t feel like re-reading, asked really good friend to prom, it’s in 2 weeks. fear i’m in the friend zone, how do i get out of it?
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:05 pm
You’re way more likely to get ass if you go as a friend than if you don’t go at all, or if you ruin her spring by standing her up. This is a no-brainer.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:06 pm
I always wipe my dick with a baby wipe to avoid my dick sticking to my underwear aka the “band-aid” effect.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Personal Trainer guy: I’m with Katni, check to see if she went on some kind of medication. BC can do some weird stuff to your body/weight. If it’s not medical, that’s tough.
Speaking from experience, once I got on the internet and noticed how many men are looking to sneak around/find something hotter…that’s kind of terrifying. So I started going to the gym/watching what I eat, etc. I don’t think it’s so horrible to ask someone to stay healthy.
/probably setting the women’s movement back ten years
//don’t care
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:06 pm
“I mean, Lions fans would kill for what you got and some of those wearied, masochistic souls still occupy that fanbase.”
Yo.
On behalf of Lions fans in particular, fans of other non-marquee franchises in general, and guys everywhere who don’t consider “9.5 to arguably a 7″ in any way shape or form a bad thing: fuck you. Maj’s editor’s note is almost certainly right on the money.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:07 pm
My new favorite game is guesshermuff.blogspot.com.
It’s the new hit show sweeping the nation!
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:08 pm
THAT’S what that means! Thanks UU!
/cue “The More You Know”
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:08 pm
then, you’ll just be a lonely fat dude jerking off to Denise Austin reruns and drinking mayonnaise straight from the jar
Dammit Tracer, stop looking through my window at night!!
@ Prom Guy,
I gave you an answer. Don’t ditch her, take her then see if something else pops up.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Yeah, about the prom thing, why are you being such a punk?
Go to the prom with your friend. Have a good time. If there’s some other chick that wants the rail, talk to her at the prom. That point in time is exactly when you find out what she is. If your friend gets jealous, she’s really not your friend. She’s either your enemy or somebody you can fuck. Either way you’re good.
I thought the powder cleaining guy was talking about the jizz gluing his dick to his underpants… ?
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:10 pm
My new favorite game is guesshermuff.blogspot.com.
Are you kidding? The only place I’ve seen more broke-down boxes is the recycle bin behind Wal-Mart.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:10 pm
@Blue Ball City: Don’t be that guy. Definitely wait till the separation and/or divorce is final. Remember, karma is a bitch.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:10 pm
With all due respect to Katni and FMRA, some chicks just give up. (Some guys do, too.) They find someone, get serious, and say, “Fuck this.” Some will drop 15 of that extra 30 lbs for the wedding, then gain it all back. God help you after she has a kid or two. All of this can be proven by a simple experiment — go to the local elementary school and count the number of large women in sweat suits with short, “soccer mom” hair.
Run. Run like the wind.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:10 pm
no problem Katni, I’m here to help.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Pulling out is NOT birth control. Your little swimmers can already be free and headed for the promised land before you “finish”.
Flubby is probably just impotent.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:13 pm
@mnoyc, the “large women in sweat suits with short, “soccer mom” hair” fetish just missed the cut for the nasty fetish tournament this year.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Prom Guy: Chicks talk to each other (shocking!), so if you stand up friendgirl, your reputation will take a major hit at your school/juvenile detention facility. Plus, the prom has a way of making girls a little less unwilling than usual, so you may just catch a break.
And…personal trainer who wants to bail on his team? Sounds like a winner. Have to agree with the ladies that something is depressing this girl, and I’m guessing it’s Dalton (gotta be his name, right? Or Clay.)
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:14 pm
yeah, i hate to be rough on the ladies, but if you’re somebody that’s committed to fitness, and your chick was only staying fit long enough to bag you, you are in for a scary life.
I’ve been with plenty of ladies that changed birth control during the relationship, gained and lost weight, all of it. sometimes they were on something that made their box drippy or made it dry. tits, especially, come and go with the hormones. some of that shit can lead to depression, to be sure.
but losing the desire to give you head, when you’re still trim and trimmed? that’s a big red flag, homey. let’s not make excuses for this girl, she’s settling in already, and this is what her nest looks like.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:14 pm
OK, the band aid thing makes more sense now. I thought he was talking about putting something else INTO his underwear, which made no sense.
Also, to the guy who wants to jerk off while driving: please drive far away from me while you’re doing it. Ye gods, that sounds like a bad idea. How hard is it to pull over and rub one out?
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Ah yes, the dreaded “band-aid” effect. I still don’t know a solution.
Clare- that link may have been the final nail in my coffin at work. Kudos to you madam. Some of those muffs were rough on the eyes.
To personal trainer guy: A 7 is still a good thing but if she gets down into 5 or less territory, follow the smell of the 20 year olds.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:15 pm
@mynuts: Agreed, that does sometimes happen, but don’t confuse pregnancy weight gain with “giving up”. Pregnancy, childbirth, and, you know, being an actual mom can do fucked up things to a woman’s body that she has almost zero control over.
Which is why I’m going to pass on that little adventure.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:15 pm
To pull-out guy: Worked for me 97 out of 100 times. That’s a good percentage, right?
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:17 pm
“What’s the waiting period on banging a friend’s ex-wife? ”
1 month for each point you award her on the hotness scale. Done and done.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:17 pm
if you can drink a milkshake while driving, you should be able to spank it
if I can finger a chick, that’s braining me, and shift gears at the same time, you should be able to spank it
just hold the steering wheel with the knee on your clutch leg, they should be close enough together
unless your driving the school bus
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:18 pm
@John Whorfin: Also yogurt. Keeps things in check.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:19 pm
That was meant for your previous response about fruit, water, etc, JW. Not spanking it while driving. That would just be weird.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:19 pm
To pull-out guy: look no further than the post right below this one, about the poster child for deadbeat dads, Travis Henry. I’m sure he tried the withdrawal method on more than one occasion.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:20 pm
For the huge fat guy, don’t spend your last 100 bucks on the gym. That’s just stupid. Go outside, walk for five minutes, run for five minutes, walk for five minutes. Stop. Next day, repeat. Do for three weeks, then up by 20%. Do this for four months (and obviously watch what you eat and drink) and you’ll lose anywhere between 20-40 pounds (depends a LOT on how much you weigh to begin with).
If you go to the gym, you’ll lose weight but just replace it with muscle which, in my opinion, makes staying motivated a lot harder. If you see pounds dropping off every time you hop on the scale, you really feel as if you’re getting anywhere. If you get on the scale after four weeks of working your ass off, and you’ve lost a grand total of one fucking pound, it’s REALLY hard to keep going.
(This is from experience. Been doing a bowflex + cardio routine for an hour a day for five weeks, I’ve lost a grand total of three pounds. I was about ready to quit until multiple people remarked that I look a lot trimmer.)
Maybe it’s just me, but when I lost weight a long time ago by just running/cycling etc, I found it a lot easier to stay motivated. Maybe it’s age.
Btw, I agree fully with the poster who said that guys need to work on their fucking physiques too. Fortunately i figured that out in time.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:20 pm
In case you don’t feel like re-reading, asked really good friend to prom, it’s in 2 weeks. fear i’m in the friend zone, how do i get out of it?
Tell her you have warts…fuck its the running theme nowadays! :)
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:20 pm
FRMA is always takin’ the ladies side. Side with the dicks for once lady! You know you love ‘e
/picked the wrong fight
//hope I still have my dick tomorrow
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:21 pm
‘e = ‘em
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Re: withdrawal method, I’m with Drew on this one. If you’re a guy who has some precum leakage, you are seriously playing with fire. Thank God I love my kids.
Also, since Ape brought it up, am I the only one who was absolutely freaked the fuck out by the South Park queef thing last night? My God, I haven’t taken a deep breath since 10:02 p.m. last night.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:23 pm
@kd
The “love e’” probably applies to FMRA as well. Just sayin.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Also, since Ape brought it up, am I the only one who was absolutely freaked the fuck out by the South Park queef thing last night? My God, I haven’t taken a deep breath since 10:02 p.m. last night.
Butters screaming the whole way home cracked me up….the worst part was the Martha Stewart queef…I puked in my mouth on that one.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:27 pm
I’m not late to the comments because I looked at all 316 muffs at guess her muff. I had work to do.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Can we run a pool on what number Clare is on that site?
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:28 pm
fuckit. I’d eat martha stewart’s pussy.
it’s a good thing
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:28 pm
INEGBS,DI: dude, you think the guy might be a (jealous) drug dealer (or something along those lines) yet you’re thinking about screwing his girlfriend? For revenge? Do you just have a death wish, or do you fantasize about being hacked apart with a meat cleaver?
Personal trainer guy: I’d suggest laying off the diet/exercise tips. Sounds like she’s pretty sensitive to them; she’s probably trying to avoid more. Even though you mean well, they probably do sound like criticism. Without knowing more about her/your combined lifestyle, I’d suggest more fitness-related fun activities, cooking healthy food for the two of you at home, and maybe going light on the alcohol. In other words, be subtle. Set a good example (which I’m sure you already do) without being annoying.
Trope: Might be just me, but I’d take some of that money and buy some free weights at walmart. Save the rest. Start a running/lifting program, and get back into shape the cheap way. (I hate gyms) Then, when you find a girl you’re actually interested in, take the rest of the money and take her out to a half-decent place (instead of burger king).
highschool dude: are you trying to weasel out of the prom date or the “friend zone”? Not sure I understand your question.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:29 pm
@Schlooner – Number 4 on that site but Number 1 in our hearts?
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Re: Withdraw
Have you ever seen a Catholic family without many kids?
Remember, Every sperm is sacred
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:30 pm
@Schooner
Excellent question.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:31 pm
if a sperm is wasted/
god gets quite irate
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:33 pm
My new favorite game is guesshermuff.blogspot.com.
Are you kidding? The only place I’ve seen more broke-down boxes is the recycle bin behind Wal-Mart.
Yeah but it makes finding that one spectacular box just SO MUCH sweeter.
If you eat Filet Mignon every day, after awhile you’re like “Shit. Filet Mignon again?”
If you eat ground chuck every day, that Filet Mignon once a month is like sex with Keely Hazel.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:34 pm
Chuck – no doubt. Lion’s forever. Sevens in bed. A warm house and a chicken in every pot. It’s the american dream.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:35 pm
@ FTB & CVE. I can’t believe you’d just stumble on to that site by surfing. God knows I would have found it by now.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:35 pm
dude said “European”
but the b/f looks like Drew Carey, not Jim
so we’re probably talking eastern European
possibly Ukrainian or Russian
why fuck with any of those dudes
the name Litvinenko mean anything to you?
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:37 pm
I just want to make one thing. I think I love you Claire. That Guess Her Muff is kick ass, and I want to love you like the weekly sexual czar we all know you are. I think one night with Claire would turn me into a bona fide Cassanova. If there were only more Claires in the Midwest….
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:37 pm
BC and other medications can make you gain weight, but a lot of women use BC as an excuse for going up a size (or 3). The thing is though, she knows what you do for a living, so there should be a reason. I mean, if I were dating a personal trainer/dietician/douchebag, I would know that if I let myself go, I’d be let go.
Take her to prom, but leave with someone else. Problem solved.
And the guy who doesn’t like his lady’s piche smell, either deal with it or move on. Everyone’s got a smell to ‘em and if you don’t like her chemical makeup, then there’s not a lot you can do.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:39 pm
@ WalknTalk,
Your love poetry would go over better if you spelled her name right, methinks.
/Dr Phil.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:39 pm
Clare, love link. Hope they don’t vacuum the computer this weekend.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:43 pm
NMC- clare probably not her real name, anyhow
just like with a stripper. seriously, why would I remember your name? But I’d recognize your tits anywhere.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Prom Guy: Take her to the prom. Backing out now is a douchebag move.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:46 pm
so… there’s two writers for this blog who exercise, huh?
i call bullshit.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:46 pm
@ JW
You say the sweetest things.
Still, even if a stripper’s real name isn’t Candy, calling her Dawn while you’re trying to pork her won’t go over well.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Fuck yes! Just found out my work will have a lifecoach coming to the office to give a free seminar. Fucking awesome. Anyone want me to ask the douchebag any questions? Make ‘em good people.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:48 pm
nmc- you really should get a government name before you fuck em
at least save your self some confusion when you’re being served with court papers
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:50 pm
i think i confused people. I’m definitely going with her, i just want to get out of the friend zone. I would never ditch thats so wrong. The thing with other girls is I’m at such a smal school that the chances are low. just looking for advice on how to get out of the friend zone.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:50 pm
nmc (again)-I’d say just keep asking the lifecoach ?s abt HPV
don’t stop asking questions until he’s come up with every possible answer about every possible strain and every possible way of treating it
be like a two-year-old
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:52 pm
I’m unreasonable because my 9.5 dropped to a 7 in 36 months? Common sense implies the drop will continue…….”cut my losses” ring a bell?
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:53 pm
@NMC
Ask him why you should take advice from a douchebag that has resorted to a fake job to support himself. Then ask him if his father is ashamed of what his son does for a living.
Politely of course.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:53 pm
prom guy thanks for the clarification
i maintain my advice, but in shorter form:
get her only slightly tipsy, not drunk. then make her jealous by talking to other chicks. the truth will come out.
be patient. it’s a long life and fucking your friends before they’re ready can be drama
ditto fucking your friends’ wives
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:53 pm
@NMC: “So, how can I politely tell a certain co-worker that one shouldn’t sleep around with other married co-workers?”
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:54 pm
personal trainer guy
reality check
did any of the men here say you’re being unreasonable?
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Also, personal trainer guy, I never said you’re being unreasonable, for the record. I simply said there might be an underlying physical/psychological cause. She also might be a lazy fuck. Explore all avenues.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:59 pm
@ Prom Guy – I had a similar deal, went with a friend and unfortunately did not leave the friend zone. I realize it’s a “fish in the barrel” night for most people, but it’s not a total loss if you still get shitfaced after and just have a good time with friends regardless. Besides, who knows how things will go down until then?
Personally, I’m just glad I didn’t get HPV.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Personal trainer guy, you’ve already stuck around longer than I would have.
Prom Guy, just stop trying to get out of the friend zone. Chances are you’re so focused on that you’re either missing out on other girls or putting her off.
NMC: Please ask if he’s ever done a study about how much productivity is lost due to half-assed feel good meetings.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:00 pm
prom guy — OK, yeah, if the prom is in 2wks, you’re going to have to go with her. Or ruin your chances with all of the girls in your hs + a 50 mile radius, at least. That’s a total jackass move and will get you blackballed (or blue-balled).
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:01 pm
just to clarify a few things for anyone who has questions about this (i don’t know why i assume you care about me), she is a virgin (as am I), both seniors, she going to top ivy school, not a heavy drinker or party girl, the after party we at is not the most condusive to hookups. I’m wondering if i make a move before prom or wait till then?
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Oh, there’s definitely an underlying physical/psychological cause. Just like you have some underlying shit wrong with your head that makes you want to be a fitness geek. (don’t get mad. it’s me, too) Every woman has her crazy shit, but if her crazy shit is going to make her get fat(ter) and your crazy shit is going to make you not want a fat(ter) chick…well the writing is on the wall.
Find somebody who’s as obsessed with their body image as you are. That might work better.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:05 pm
prom guy— The best time is between the prom and the after party. Make up some excuse to make a stop between the two and find a nice secluded parking spot. Bring a blanket so as not to soil her gown. And ruffies, not a lot, just a little. And put a helmet on the soildier.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:06 pm
I realize this is hypocrisy at its finest, but prom guy, she’s not gonna fuck you, if you’re both virgins and she’s not wastey-face.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:06 pm
prom guy
really, be patient. if the prom is in 2 wks there’s no point in making a ‘move’ beforehand. overachieving chicks (’top’ ivy. come on. as opposed to all those cheap-o shitty ivy league schools) like that tend to make it clear if they want some of you
if I was in your shoes I’d probably beat off twice the day of the prom, just so I don’t get too excited if something did get started…
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:07 pm
prom guy,
Every hear of the ladder theory. In other words, you’re fucked.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:08 pm
NMC – Get him off balance up front by asking if you can tape the session for future reference. Then immediately after tell him you’re going to change your life to fit with his advice. Ask him how you know when you’re an alchoholic. Ask him what he thinks about sexual fetishes – maybe ask him about stoma or frottage. Go all over the placewith your questions. Don’t giggle. Send the tape to Ape so we can listen to it.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:08 pm
carrie’s probably right
you’re still a virgin, therefore you don’t have any ‘moves’. how are you going to make one? and if you’re not also going to a ‘top’ ivy school…shit, this chick might be your meal ticket. don’t fuck it up by being overly aggressive. you should be focusing on how to get a kiss, first.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:09 pm
@To 9.5 to 7 guy/Ex-Redskins Fan
Fuck you. I’d be happy with the 7. However, you are not. Now, you can either be honest, which will either result in her dumping your ass, bawling for three days, or admitting that she’s letting herself go, or take the chance that it will correct itself, which could result in her falling into that 6.5 or 6 range. Should she deteriorate further, I think you’re justified in dropping her like TO after 3 seasons, but before you do you should find out what’s up.
As for your team, go for the Colts. They’re basically they complete opposite of the Redskins. They draft exceedingly well, never invest in free agents, and are basically locked in for a minimum of 12 wins a year. Yeah, you’re going to be hard pressed to find anyone with half the personality as Clinton Portis on the team, but Bob Sanders is the new Boom King, so it’s basically a wash.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:09 pm
prom guy — sorry, slow internet connection keeps making me late to the conversation. I agree with the get her tipsy but not drunk advice. Don’t get too pushy. Have fun. If she’s interested in you as more than a friend, it should fall into place.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:11 pm
mepex: when they said “Well, what about Jane and Connie”
I thought. ‘Yeah, I’d really like to fuck Jane and Connie’
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:12 pm
If you’re going to make a move, make it after the prom. After all, why ruin all the memories? And unless you’re going to that same college, I wouldn’t even worry about it. When she goes to college, and you go to a different college, you’re both going to discover a wonderful world of booze and other people with the morals of an alley cat. Fuck it, wait for the 5th year reunion.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:15 pm
@ prom guy,
Ah okay, the way the question was asked made it seem like you were trying to wiggle out of going to prom with her.
Okay, here’s the thing about girls. A girl makes up her mind in mere minutes whether she likes you ‘that way’ or not. there has to be something about you that attracts her. This is why so many assholes get so many women, because apparently they like the aggressiveness or his “aura” or some such bullshit.
If she doesn’t feel that particular type of attraction right away, she’s not going to. No matter how long you two are friends and alone etc. I know that Hollywood likes to pretend that a girl can be your friend for ten years, then realizes that “what she’s been looking for has been in front of her all along!”
Yeah, that’s really nice, but she’s still not attracted to the guy in front of her, so she’ll keep looking. Guys will settle for something. Women don’t.
There is a reason why the friend zone is so dreaded. It’s because there is no way out. (cue Survivor)
Now, you two **might** get a “We’re bored” or “We’re sick and tired of being virgins” bang on, but that’s really the best you can hope for and the odds are pretty fucking slim. Also, then SHE will feel horrible about “having ruined the friendship” and will no longer be your friend, even though you had no problems with the friendship whatsoever just because you porked her. Women don’t make any sense.
The best thing that can happen with a good female friend is that she’ll hook you up with some of her friends who are single and looking for nice guys. Usually those end up being chicks with baggage, but you might get lucky.
Go to prom with her, have a good time. Don’t get your hopes up, just enjoy yourself. If some other chicks see you and her having a good time, they’ll probably think to themselves that you seem to be a fun guy to hang around with.
Still, if anything is EVER going to happen with her, it’ll be at prom night, so make sure that she’s REALLY enjoying herself. You don’t want her to talk to you thirty years down the road and learn that she was ready to fuck you, but the whole prom was a drag so she decided against it.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:20 pm
To John Whorfin: Good fucking guess considering the fat-fuck’s looks. Eastern Europe is right, but both Ukraine and Russia are just a hair off geographically. I’m not worried about fucking with crazy Eastern Europeans. They have a tragic flaw – they will never turn down a free vodka, and I’m confident in my ability to drink them under the table
To Needs More Cheerleaders: While committing the acts in the fetish tournament would be interesting to say the least, I’m not that into fucking shit-covered giant amputee swine. But if I can swing some reconnection sex I’ll keep it brutal. Interestingly enough, my brother’s last 2 girlfriend’s were amputees (one was also deaf and dumb). He said they were more “accepting” of his own flaws.
As for KSK, wait – kidnapping is an option?
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Fuck, Freudian slip with the name there I guess…whoops
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:23 pm
am i seriously the only person who is questioning which members of the ksk family “actually exercise from time to time”?
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:24 pm
NMC you should be teaching the life coaching seminar. That was beautiful.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:25 pm
I’m one of those Lions fans who will never switch teams. I’m planning an 0-16 tattoo in the near future!
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:25 pm
breakup/makeup, it’s all the same
seriously, though. if you’ve got family there, it means they know where you live.
I ain’t afraid of much. I’m pretty fuckin’ crazy. but them eastern euro dudes scare me
and if the dude that comes for you has a pocket full of polonium, sitting and drinking vodka with ‘em ain’t helpin your cause.
isn’t there some other chick you could be banging, that didn’t two-time you with a fat, ugly, mobster fuck?
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:26 pm
holy fuck nmc, that was unbelievable. thanks.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:26 pm
@ bk: Does chronic masturbation count?
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:26 pm
bk, it’s not like they have anything better to do with their time
besides, ‘exercising’ might include running to the bus stop, transfer in hand
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:27 pm
@ limpy
Heh. That would be funny. Half the people in the audience would kill themselves in 30 minutes. Let’s just say my outlook on life is not very optimistic.
Anyways, I’ve got all these questions written down, and I have applied for the seminar (it’s not until the 9th). I’ll see what order to put these in.
It’s funny, because apparently his theme will be to “sit still and listen to that little voice.”
Yeah, I got your sit still and listen right here, fuckwallet. Courtesty of the KSK commenters.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:27 pm
speaking of ‘not having anything better to do with their time’…
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:28 pm
the first time he says “sit still and listen to that little voice”
you need to have the most miserable, whiny little squeak fart ready to go at that moment
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:29 pm
@ prom guy
It’s from experience buddy. Don’t pine for that one girl your whole high school / college years. If she doesn’t want you, she’s not going to want you at any one point.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:31 pm
@personal trainer guy
Sometimes relationships don’t work for physical reasons, there’s nothing wrong with that, it happens all the time. (That said, better that it happen before rings and/or vows have been exchanged.) But complaining about a girl going from super hot to merely hot AND THEN asking if it’s okay to dump your football team makes you sound like more than a little bit of a whiny douche. If you want to dump your girl and chase younger tail, more power to you. If you want to jump ship on the Redskins, it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. But writing in and trying to justify yourself, or get other people to advise you to do what it seems like you already want to do anyway, is straight up dickless.
I stand by my “fuck you”.
(All of the above assumes the original e-mail isn’t complete bullshit to begin with, which, given the nature of the internet, is a distinct possibility.)
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:32 pm
i get that, just i’m in a tiny school (90 kids in a grade), probably 20 possible girls in my grade, by this point 16 taken or something. so it’s not like i’m missing options here. and i get the not pining, like i went to a party for my college next year (vandy, not that i’m bragging) and i got with a chick there. So i’m not limiting myself, it’s just i see no other options in my HS. Furthermore, it’s not just wanting to bang her it is really liking her (aware that I will be mocked for not having balls,). But i kinda got the idea that i’m in the friend zone and i might be stuck. maybe after prom i’ll attempt to ‘jump ladders.’
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:33 pm
My little voice keeps telling me to punch life coaches in their throat.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:39 pm
@JW: Sadly no, I go to university in a shit town full of either super religious freaks, 20 year old Mamas, or mega fatties. It’ll all look up when I take a side trip to Croatia though over the summer….I have it on good authority the place is a Mecca
And really, I’ve grown up around E. Europeans. They’re a lot of talk, and they’re so depressed they barely get up in the morning, let alone actually commit to things like revenge. Unless you’re black. Then they’ll fucking stab you.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:40 pm
this is early enough to get some legit answers – what’s your opinion of this:
I’ve been with my girl 5 years. So after foreplay she usually gets on top of me and starts teasin a lil and then she let’s me go in without a hat for a little (like 30 seconds) and then I put the condom on and we continue. I am still getting used to the condom’s sensitivity (she was on the pill for a long time and now hates it & refuses to go back on). Should I just throw the condom on without puttin it in raw for that little time? Is what I do risky?
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Interruption: Bears trade for Cutler, 1st rounders in 09, 10 and the Neckbeard
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Not if your life long dream is to get Fathers Days cards.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:47 pm
@ prom guy,
It sucks to be in a small school like that where all girls are already taken.
If you really like your friend, then just be happy that you have a fun female friend and respect that. Let’s put it this way, say there is a chance for the two of you to hookup, but you’d know that it would make her miserable and really regret it afterwards. Would you still do it? Because if she sees you as just a really good friend and she’s not attracted to you that way, odds are pretty good that would happen.
have a great time at prom, see what happens. Worst case scenario, you don’t get laid until you get to college. But you have a great female friend who goes to an Ivy League school, might get a kickass job somewhere and get you set up with a job and who knows, some of her hot Ivy League friends that wear those fucking sexy librarian glasses.
/slaps self.
//Wakes up
Shit what was hot. What was I saying? Oh yeah. There will always be opportunities to get laid at college. It’s a lot harder to find a good friend, especially from the opposite sex.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:50 pm
@ Sal,
Fucking without a condom and without any birth control is ALWAYS risky. In the large majority of men, the precum doesn’t carry enough semen to get a woman pregnant, but if you’re one of those lucky bastards who gets girls pregnant by sneezing at them, yeah, you’re playing with diapers.
If condoms really suck that badly (I agree, I hate them too), use some other form of birth control. There’s like 50,000 different products out there.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:51 pm
in terms of the hypothetical, no i would not do that. and in terms of the college thing I mean that is why i picked vanderbilt, only place with A girls and A education (not my only reasons).
April 2nd, 2009 at 6:08 pm
Btw, one final thing. Just because you assume you’re in the friend zone doesn’t necessarily make it so. She might be interested in you but maybe she’s either just shy or scared of upsetting the friendship.
In my opinion, it’s always better to come out and admit what you’re feeling (if it’s genuine. don’t do it just to get into her pants) than to be quiet and always wonder.
God, I’m a sappy ass today.
April 2nd, 2009 at 6:23 pm
@John Worfin:
Coming from a chick: no BJs, no ring.
fuck those lazy bitches. those of us who love suckin the cack, we deserve the diamonds.
April 2nd, 2009 at 6:32 pm
“My doctor said 1/3 of the population has the virus… So essentially, if you slept with more than 3 people, you have some form of the virus.”
So essentially, you failed Statistics.
/didn’t read the rest of the comments
/don’t care
April 2nd, 2009 at 6:38 pm
Ok, I might be an asshole, but I can see where Personal Trainer Dude is coming from. I mean, I would be significantly happier if I got together with a 7 and three years later she was still a 7 than if I got together with a 9.5 and three years later she was a 7. Even though I end up with a 7 in both cases, in the case of the 9.5 who became a 7 there’s definitely a feeling of “this isn’t what I signed up for.”
However, and this is far more important, if blowjobs have left the relationship, they won’t be coming back. If oral is important to you, it’s time to move on to someone else.
April 2nd, 2009 at 6:53 pm
And to taint guy, I’ll reiterate the best advice a woman has ever given me: “the more you manscape and clean your balls, the more likely I will be to suck on and play with them.”
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:02 pm
@ Prom Guy
Take her to the prom, and make a move there. Not too hard, but not too soft. You don’t want to leave pussy on the table, so to speak, but you also do not want to ruin a good thing.
Trust that very good friendships with the opposite sex are awesome. You learn a lot about dealing with them, and how women tend to think/react to things. You also have a TREMENDOUS wingman. I will say though, that with everyone going off to different colleges, it is very likely that you guys will fall out of touch anyway, so if it is worth the risk to you, work it hard. Otherwise, I’d put the feelers out on prom night. If it seems like something could happen, pounce.
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:20 pm
Ok, if personal trainer guy is so ready to drop his girlfriend and start banging clients, why on earth did he lead off by saying that she was “the one” and that he was close to popping the question. If you really do feel that way about her and aren’t just trying to marry the first girl who stuck with your ass for a reasonable length of time then yes, the uncomfortable conversation about how her letting herself go has made you less attracted to her (and that you’re concerned about her feelings and well-being, of course) shouldn’t even be a question. Don’t lead off with weight issues, start with “I’m concerned about you and some problems I’ve noticed that have made me re-think our relationship”. If she thinks she might be getting dumped, winding up with “so eat better and maybe come by the gym more often” should be a relief.
Seriously, y’all. I’m shallow too, but cutting off a three year relationship over something that’s likely a fixable problem without even a warning shot is seriously cold. Give a timeline with the talk (say, 3 months before she has to make positive change, and if a year goes by with no change then you’ll have to end things) and you should be golden.
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:58 pm
To the personal trainer dude: Its very important that your goals match your lady’s. If she aint into fitness and being moderately healthy like you are, its going to be a huge source of tension for your whole life. Get out.
To the Band-Aid dude: I know what ya mean. Especially with the mid day whack. Leave yourself some time for the goo to get gone. Usually once he starts pointing towards the floor one good wipe takes care of things.
To the Euro-Fucker: What the fuck are you doing. Why in gods green earth would you pay out your ass to fly across the universe to go try and bang a girl? Unless she is Jessica Alba pre herpes I will not board a plane for ass. Go find some local hotties. Or make her come to you.
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:12 pm
THe HPV shit is so stupid it’s retarded.
Do they just hand out MDs nowadays, or was that a DO (someone who couldn’t get into REAL medical school)?
Yeah 70% of the population has genital warts. OK.
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:18 pm
Carrier of the virus. 70% is on the high side, but withing the range of numbers I have been seeing for years.
More importantly Guess Her Muff? Good god I can barely comprehend the range of responses it is generating inside me. Between the fear that I might be looking at kiddie porn with some of these girls (prom “before” pictues), the realization that every girl between 17 and 23 decorates their living space with the same hackneyed “I’m artistic and expressing myself/I’m a slob” crap, the turn on that is a totaly non sexual before picture, followed by cucmber insertion…and I haven’t looked at more than 20 yet. This deserves its own post.
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:21 pm
@NMC:
Or 15 years…
/punches self in cock
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:32 pm
Andy:
Well, I’m actually going on the trip for fun, because I shockingly enjoy traveling and the beer there is fantastic/super cheap with the dollar’s return to glory. Also, I have a complete inability to enjoy American girls. Maybe it’s b/c I can actually understand them when they speak, which ruins the majority of them in my eyes.
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:40 pm
@Prom Guy
Good God. Prom is in two weeks and you’re just now thinking of bagging?
TOO. LATE.
You are muthafuckin stuck, like a mammoth in a tar pit. If you bail on her, you will lose a friend, and NO chick at that school will EVER go out with you.
Deal with it. Suffering silently is the only way you’ll become a man.
April 2nd, 2009 at 11:18 pm
More importantly Guess Her Muff? Good god I can barely comprehend the range of responses it is generating inside me. Between the fear that I might be looking at kiddie porn with some of these girls (prom “before” pictues), the realization that every girl between 17 and 23 decorates their living space with the same hackneyed “I’m artistic and expressing myself/I’m a slob” crap, the turn on that is a totaly non sexual before picture, followed by cucmber insertion…and I haven’t looked at more than 20 yet. This deserves its own post
Yeah, some of those girls are *definitely* not 18.
April 2nd, 2009 at 11:34 pm
Sounds like the last guy’s “7″ would be a perfect hook up for Trope.
April 2nd, 2009 at 11:36 pm
I never felt that I was even a little bit lesbian, but after clicking Clare’s link…. I know I’m not. Yikes. I’m sorry, but pussy is just not attractive or enticing. Guess it’s a good thing most men disagree.
RE trainer guy: I’d have to see a before and after pic of girlfriend before rendering any judgment at all. I mean, I’d say it probably doesn’t bode well if she’s not even engaged yet and is already putting on weight and slacking on the sexual favors. I’ve never been married, but I’ve also never heard of women getting hotter and hornier AFTER they get married. But if she’s “the one” (whatever that means) is going from a 9 to a 7 really a dealbreaker? And is it possible that maybe you’re kind of an insufferable, controlling asshole now and she’s not putting the effort in because she’s tired of listening to you yap about exercise and diet?
Fat, jobless guy: Don’t join a gym, don’t pick up some skank just to get some. Go outside and take some really long walks/jogs. It’s not like you have anything better to do. Don’t overdo and stroke out or anything, but you know, get out and move around. Sitting around the apartment hoovering up bags of potato chips certainly isn’t helping, with the weight or the love life. If something isn’t working, stop doing it.
Prom guy: Just because all the teen movies make prom night ass seem like a foregone conclusion doesn’t mean it actually is. I don’t think proms should be that big of a deal. Just go and be cool about it and have a good time and if your friend wants to put out, she’ll give you an opening, so to speak. I wouldn’t advise coming on strong or trying to get her liquored up. Just be really nice and respectful (not ass kissing, just, you know, hold doors open for her, tell her she looks beautiful, etc). Not that you won’t anyway, just sayin’. Being gentlemanly can’t ever be a bad move.
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:31 am
What Slash said.
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:59 am
Well said.
@Prom Guy: I think people are losing sight on the fact that you’re not trying to ditch your date – you’re trying to move out of the friend zone with said date. Either way, do what Slash said and be a gentlemen, do your best to create any opportunity for a potential hookup/relationship/whatever you’re hoping for, without being completely forceful. I’ll admit straight up that I completely suck when it comes to most women (so take my advice with a grain of salt), but even I can tell when a girl is into me at the random occasions I’m successful … just see how the night goes and take it from there.
Worst case, you have some fun that night with friends and try to find a girl you can shag rotten sometime in the future. That’s what college is for.
April 3rd, 2009 at 1:00 am
*I should add that if you realize she’s completely not into you, then don’t force anything. Oh boy, that’ll be awkwar
/goes and grabs 12th beer
April 3rd, 2009 at 1:15 am
My take.
No breakup sex: Not worth it. I don’t care how hot she is or how badly you yearn..Fucking stay away. We have more foreign women in this country than American girls, you can surely find what you are looking for with a little effort.
Prom Guy. Follow the advice you have already received. Go to the prom. Bring her a corsage. Open her doors, if she smokes then light her fucking cigarette. Treat her with respect. Then go home and jerk off. If you have known this girl for that long, you are a friend. Stay in touch with her. That “top” Ivy league shit could pay dividends. Think of her as a fantasy football player. Put her on your “watch” list.
Crystal: Thanks for the HPV info. 30 years of activity and literally tens of women later – Hey, it wasn’t near as easy to get laid in the late 70’s or 80’s as it is now, you had to earn that – and I am happily HPV free.
Clare: Thanks. I think.
Smelly Poon Guy: Are you sure she isn’t baking a loaf of Wonder Bread? I have been nose deep in a lot of happiness and there are indeed some different fragrances, shall we say. But none that really drove me back unless… My experience has taught me that the more times you have sex in the same session without showering, the more likely she can get a yeastie. Food for thought.
Road head rules. I have almost driven my left leg through the floorboards and have always ended up with leg cramps. That being said, I have never waxed the carrot while driving. Seems very unsafe. Pull to the side of he raod or head to a rest stop mens room.
Trainer Guy: It sounds like you have your mind made up. If you come to us asking for advice? There are a lot of “The One”s out there. I should know I’ve dated a few. Is she worth keeping? Then have a talk. Gotta make up your mind here. It sounds like you are at a crossroads. Decisions never get easier. I wish I could tell you they get easier with age but that would be a lie. It’s decision time.
Trope: OK. Buy a pair of walking shoes. Not cross trainers, not running shoes but a pair of walking shoes. Tomorrow morning or afternoon depending on when you get up, walk 30 minutes away from your house. Turn Around. Walk back. Repeat. Every day. Start cooking your own food. As Drew has mentioned many times, girls love it when you cook for them. Try chicken breast or turkey breast instead of red meat. Buy a scale and weigh yourself daily. If you want to indulge on the weekend it’s OK. A day or two ain’t gonna hurt. Once you get used to the neighborhood and the traffic lights, an IPOD is a good investment.
Here comes the back story.
On 1-3-2001 I stepped in to my doctors office. I had just had my fourth knee surgery. I was suffering from chronic bronchitis and when I stepped on the scale I weighed 330 pounds. I remember looking down and I said Fuck that. Next day I started walking. I have walked every day that isn’t raining since. I walk about 350 days a year. 6 miles a day. I weighed in at 216 today. You don’t need a gym membership. You need dedication.
That’s all I have to say about that.
SAL from NJ: If you don’t want kids, wear the helmet or get cut. You know as well as I do that the tip thing leads to the no condom thing which leads to the baby thing.
April 3rd, 2009 at 1:36 am
The IPOD is loaded with Ministry, Ramones, Tool, Rammstein, Static-X, Dead Kennedys, Snot, Jesus and Mary Chain, Sugar, Korn, AC/DC, Alien Sex Fiend, The Clash, Megadeth, Slayer, NiN, Primus, Rob Zombie, Social Distortion and Suicidal Tendancies.
It’s all about the pace.
April 3rd, 2009 at 1:44 am
@pulling out dude
it’s difficult enough getting a girl pregnant even when you cum inside her, and the sperm count required to even bump these odds up to reasonable is huge. you can research this yourself if you want, or get your girl to talk to a gyno about it. it’s possible, but HIGHLY improbable… winning the lottery kind of shit. needless to say, the ‘ole pull-out is my preferred method of birth control too.
most important, don’t fuck around with her most fertile days, which are days 13-17 of her menstrual cycle, with day 1 corresponding to the day she first bleeds. if pulling-out ever fails, i can guarantee it’s on those days.
April 3rd, 2009 at 1:56 am
RE krunknasty: Travis Henry, is that you?
April 3rd, 2009 at 2:13 am
edit: “it’s possible, but HIGHLY improbable… winning the lottery kind of shit. ” was referring to getting a girl pregnant when pulling out, not to just getting a girl pregnant. i realized it reads that way upon rereading it.
April 3rd, 2009 at 8:37 am
The odd thing about that guess her muff site is the percentage of women with unusually small nipples. I’ve seen tons of naked women in my day, at nude beaches and such, and virtually none of them had dime-sized areolas, but there were several that fit that description on the site.
April 3rd, 2009 at 8:51 am
Attention Morons Who Refuse to Wear a Condom:
It’s a thin layer of latex. Unless you have no nerve endings on your dick or have the erectile skills of a three-year-old, it’s not going to interfere with sex in the slightest. Put it on, enjoy some worry-free safe sex, and get on with your life.
If you don’t use a condom, get ready for a life of pain. If you’re lucky, the pain will simply be a lifelong relationship with the wildebeest you brought home from the bar, complete with 4am feedings and projectile baby vomit. If you’re unlucky, it’ll be a thrilling cocktail of monkey AIDS and mutant herpes. Maybe a mixture of both.
Wear the fucking condom.
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Or monkey herpes and mutant AIDS. Hawt.
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:22 pm
bodybuilder boy with “the (chubby) one”: http://www.t-nation.com/free_online_article/sex_news_sports_funny_grok/whyohwhy_arent_you_hot&cr=
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:54 pm
To the guy in the mailbag that was worried about his wife slippng and if he should get married….don’t. If she’s already laying the guilt trip on you about her diet…she’s not going to work out anymore, and when she pumps out one kid, she probably won’t lose that weight, and she’ll be unfuckable. So, you might as well save yourself the trouble of wanting to cheat on her and having a kid by her, and just let her loose now and just bang chicks in their early 20’s. Some women are like a professional athlete in the last year of their contract. They try super hard, get done up, look absolutely gorgeous, then they sign that huge multi-year deal, they stop trying anymore because they have that security. Others, they’ll still try just as hard even after they sign that huge multi-year deal. You just gotta choose the right one. But seeing as how that guy is a redskin fan, as soon as he locks them up long term, he’s fucked.
April 3rd, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Otto Man,
If you’re a moron, definitely, please wear a condom. there’s enough of you already.
If you’re not a moron and you only bareback with women you trust and respect enough that a little accident isn’t the end of the world…fuck condoms.
mrsbrady,
damn straight. I once dated a chick that didn’t enjoy giving. (I made an exception). but you damn well bet she learned to enjoy it.
April 3rd, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Personal trainer guy:
You’re obviously a dick. You’re a personal trainer AND you’re jumping ship on your team.
That said, you’ve got reason to be worried. I like JMill’s athlete analogy.
You drafted Jonathan Sullivan.
my ex gained 60 in 8 months. Beat that.
April 3rd, 2009 at 2:59 pm
TOFP: did she lose the weight a month later?
does she frequently receive packages from the UPS guy?
April 3rd, 2009 at 3:23 pm
@ Prom guy: You gotta take your friend to the prom. keep in mind, the average girl spends a shit load more money on prom than a guy. A lot of them (even the “tom boy” ones), put a lot of thought into this. So don’t screw it up. Plus, just because she’s your friend, and even if you’re in friend zone, doesn’t mean she won’t want a prom night stand with you. Treat her well, and you never know what will happen. At the very least, she’ll mention to her friends she had a great time and that you’re a great guy. You’ll get a free advertisement for other girls.
As for the guy who wants to sleep with his friend’s ex wife: Don’t. It’s one thing if it’s an ex girlfriend, but it’s another if it’s an ex-wife. There’s so many bad things that could happen that makes this a really bad idea. Like someone said before, don’t be “that guy.”
April 3rd, 2009 at 5:19 pm
Can we get Drew back? Please? He offers the truth, and remember two things: 1. The truth is funny, and 2. Brevity is the heart of wit. You definitely hit number two. Your clearly don’t know number one enough to be talking about sex/relationships as an honest, good opinion. Not your fault, but you don’t know. Ape, I know that you kind of tried, but your inexperience shows. Drew knows, Matt knows, and maybe some others as far as I know, but you clearly don’t. I’m not trying to be mean, just being honest. It boils down to this: if your married, you’re fucking married. Done deal, you committed, so now you have to honor your commitment. If you’re single, and you think you love her, marry her. If you don’t, then get rid of her and keep looking. Done and done, stop fucking around; life is short.
April 3rd, 2009 at 5:21 pm
John Whorf:
No. But she did marry the next guy she banged. Go figure.
April 4th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
@ Yuck Fou – Try taking your own advice – see number 2 of your screed.
/Rim Job Joke
April 4th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
Break up Sex….
Where in Europe are you going? I’m moving to Turkey to work with the Embassy for a couple of years, I’ll be out in Ankara, a few hours away from Istanbul, and I need to know where the best European poon is, the muslim bitches out in Turkey won’t put out, which sucks, because a lot of them are pretty hot. It’s like going to a car show though…you can look but you can’t get behind the wheel and take it for a ride.
April 4th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
I can’t believe someone is actually asking if he can sleep with his friends ex-wife. Have you ever read the guy code. If you consider this guy a friend even if he’s not a close friend…ex-wife’s are off limits….FOREVER
April 4th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
@JMill:
Well from what I’ve seen Western Europe isn’t worth your time. For my money, Polish girls have been the hottest and are easy but only once they’re comfortable around you – so for example, you might have to come to the same bar day in/day out for 2 weeks to get the waitress you’re eyeing to trust you. But, as my mom told me years ago before my first solo journey there: If you can’t get laid in Poland, it’s time to consider priesthood.
Ask again in 2 months though after I’ve been through Croatia/Austria/Hungary. I’ve heard good things.
April 26th, 2009 at 11:33 pm
A friend of mine had the unfortunate experience of contacting herpes from an ex-boyfriend. It really devastated her for some time but she moved on with her life. Now she found a lovely person that she wants to have a long term relationship with. She has not told him that that she has herpes yet. I think she is afraid that if she does he may say goodbye. Talk about a terrible dilema, I wish I knew what to tell her. In my culture we dont actually ever talk about these things.