Welcome again to the KSK sexified feature that largely leaves the nasty fetishes at the door. In this installment, we get a little primer of HPV, disgusting discharge, muff-guessing and 30,000 goddamn questions about the fate of the Sulkmaster General. Allez, les perverts!

Dear Blumpkin Aficionados,

Sex: I dated this European chick for two years through study abroad, summer visits, Skype (sigh), etc. and I almost moved there permanently to be with her. Predictably, a few days before I left my life here with a ring in tow, she told me not to come but she still “loved” me, but in a different way. I’ve had a lot of time to process this and had somewhat come to terms with it. We are still speaking as friends since I’ve known the girl for years and have visited her small hometown yearly to see my family. Then she told me she is back together with a former boyfriend, and after a quick Google search I discovered that this asshat looks nearly identical to Drew fucking Carey and runs a business that sounds suspiciously like drug-dealing.

So eventually she’ll be sold into prostitution in Albania. It sucks, but you’d be better off cutting your losses.

Now, I have a lot of reasons to believe that this fuck-face was spitting his pudgy game while she was still with me (someone fucking built that bicycle I sent) and I was still jerking off to thoughts of “so happy you’re here” sex, so I’d like some vengeance. He’s apparently super-jealous that she still speaks with me so that’s cut down on the conversations. Lately she’s been sending me messages that she misses talking to me, etc. I am planning on a 3-month visit there this summer anyways to visit my cousins so here are my questions:

1. Do I have a shot in hell of hooking up with her while I’m there? She’s a solid 8 and has no fucking clue which is fantastic.

Yes, you most definitely have a shot with this crazy Euro-cunt. But, and I really stress, do not do it. Unless you want Drew Carey to star in the real life version of Eastern Promises.

c. How should I go about this, and, if remotely conceivable, how do I trick her into just straight up moving to the U.S.? (I’m done making crazy plans to move away)

But crazy inconceivable plans to shanghai foreigners into the U.S. are still on the table!

B. If said hook up occurs, do I go for tender, compassionate boyfriend sex or shock her with brutal ass fucking?

You’ve got some animosity to exorcise, so I think we both know the answer to that one.

ii. How do I get the sound of this dickhead’s ribs cracking as I beat him with an anvil out of my head?

iPod. (Also available in Mini and Nano)

Football: Is there any chance that Al Davis removes his fangs from Darren McFadden’s cock long enough for him to have some decent games this season? Should I bother even thinking of him for fantasy next year?

Thanks,
I Never Even Got Breakup Sex Damn It.

Run-DMC still plays in the AFC West, where defense is punishable under penalty of death, so he should at least reel off some decent games against division rivals. I’d say he’s a decent option as a second running back.

Dear Man Landers,

Football – Who to keep: DeAngelo Williams or Brandon Jacobs?

Tough call. Probably can’t go wrong either way. Because of the years of fantasy horror that DeAngelo inflicted on me, I’m still not apt to trust him. Plus with Derrick Ward’s departure from New York, Jacobs will probably have an even larger share of the carries.

Sex – What is the best way to clean the inside of your cannon from “powder residue” after firing. Having to “band aid” the underwear later in the day in order to take a leak is quite the nuisance.

S’up Chronic Masturbators

/shudders

With all the HPV talk, I decided to talk to my doctor about it at my last annual exam. It turns out that as far as genital warts, which is considered a low-grade form of the HPV virus, they said they see women all the time who have them. The women come in mortified but apparently there is a pill that helps with the outbreak. My doctor said 1/3 of the population has the virus and that 70 percent of people over the age of 40 have it. So essentially, if you slept with more than 3 people, you have some form of the virus. You’ll never know who you got it from unless you only ever had one sex partner. Also, it’s transmitted by genital to genital contact. Those areas have, obviously, more sensitive skin which allows this skin virus to pass along. You cannot get it on your hands. The highlight is that my doctor, who has been practicing for 15 years, has never seen someone get HPV in their mouth. She is of the opinion that the acid in a person’s mouth would inhibit the virus from being transmitted and oral sex is a go!! (whoo hoo – can’t live without that).

One last mention about the genital warts form of the virus. If you contract genital warts but your partner had no symptoms, it doesn’t mean that you did not get the virus from them. Only some people will actually develop warts. It is dependent upon each individual’s immune system and its ability to keep the symptoms at bay. Also, different strains of the HPV virus tends to run in pairs. So if you have one strain it’s highly likely you have another as well.

Just wanted to share.

Any chance of the Titans getting in on the Jay Cutler trade?

Crystal

No, though Cutler trying to motivate LenWhale is a tantalizing prospect.

KSK,

I love road head (and am lucky enough to have a girlfriend who enjoys giving it on occasion). Sometimes, however, I need a little self-love in the car. What’s the best method for punishing the meat while driving so as to endanger other drivers the least? Pull over? Don’t worry about cleanup, I’ve got a pretty good method in mind.

Drive an automatic.

Who do you think is going to get Jay Cutler? Will anybody get anything close to a good deal, or will buyer’s remorse rule the day?

Reckless Driver

Nothing would please me more than having the Redskins foolishly forfeit yet another first round pick, but I see the Jets getting Cutler, given how much they’ve invested in free agents in recent years and how clear they’ve been in their distrust of Kellen Clemens. [UPDATE: Whoops!]

Homo hit men of the Gay Mafia,

How would you rank these positions: missionary, doggy style, standing while your lady lays with her ass on the edge of the bed and legs in the air (my favorite since I get a bird’s eye view of the boobies and my shaft banging the puss), her on top tits facing you, and her on top back facing you. I’m sure there will be many different opinions on this.

1. Edge of bed/counter/tab
2. Her on top, facing you
3. Doggy
4. Her on top, facing away
5. Missionary

Fantasy football question: I know we are a long way from football season, but I need to keep one of these QB’s: Roethlisberger, Ryan, or Rodgers.

I await your sage advice.

John F.

Rodgers was startlingly one of the best fantasy QBs in the league last year. Neither Rongrastname nor Ryan, while good, are gonna put up those type of numbers.

Dear Lords of all things Sex and Football,

Sex: I am a high school senior who recently asked his really good friend to prom. I’ve liked her for a long time, but were only going as friends. I fear am I in the dreaded friend zone, prom is in two weeks (I know, my school is retarded), is there any way for me to wiggle my way out?

Football: In fantasy football league, who should I keep (only get to keep two of three) out of Fitz, McNabb and Sproles?

Thanks,
Mr. [Name Redacted]

The Chargers, against their better interests, will continue to give LaToeInjury the majority of the touches next season, so Fitty and McNabb are the keepers. Unless the penalty for keeping Sproles in a really low round pick, in which case keep him and get another QB.

KSK crew,

A while back you guys helped me out in my quest for bald chipmunk. Excellent advice and it has paid off! Which leads to my current dilemma:

Sex – I have found a lady goodly enough to sleep with me. All is good except for the fact that the smell of her vaginal secretions is overwhelming. Not so much vinegary or like there’s something wrong, but they are so pungent that it has affected my enjoyment of the experience. It’s just a real thick heavy B.O. funk. So, how do I broach this particular subject with her?

Oh, so farts are funny but queefs are not!? SEXIST!

Either learn to deal with it or tell her to cut back on the red meat.

Fantasy – I have been my league’s commissioner for four years now and we’re pretty relaxed about payment of fees. I can afford to float people when necessary and they always pay. Well, I just barely now got the last two guys’ money ($50 per person). Granted, they got laid off, so I’m cutting them some slack, but I still think there should be some sort of creative and fun punishment. Any suggestions?

Some sort of injury that will be doubly horrible with their newfound lack of health insurance.

You perverts are gonna love this. I give you…Guess Her Muff. So very NSFW.

Muchos besos,
Clare

Uh, thanks for sharing, Clare.

Dear handsome gentlemen,

Sex: How long of a dry spell should a single man endure before 1) having sex with any girl that will consent or 2) paying for it?

Six months.

Football: Actually more of a general fandom question. My roommates are obnoxious bandwagon jumpers, each claiming Maryland, Kansas and now Villanova over the last two NCAA tournaments and switching from the Sawks to the Phillies last year. Their NFL fandom is predictably weak. Verbally insulting them in drunken frustration is no longer satisfying and hasn’t stopped them from switching teams and taunting me about my alma mater (UNC). They need to learn a lesson. Suggestions?

Affectionately,

Law students are awful people

So, wait, we’re supposed to identify with the Tar Heels fan? I don’t blame them for rooting against you in the Tourney. Sawx and/or Phillies fandom is unforgivable though. But then it’s baseball, so who gives a fuck?

Dear Commanders of the Clit,

First of all, not to be a dick, but in case you ever get in a drunken bet I don’t want you to lose your money…”dot com” is short of .commercial. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/.com

Worst bar bet ever. You say “dot.org” doesn’t stand for orgasm? I’ve been searching for porn all wrong!

Now to the sex. I’m lucky enough to have been blessed with stamina while making the beast with two backs. Sometimes it gets to the point where my woman is begging me to cum and she knows playing with my balls, even smacking em a bit, helps me to finish. Times like these what I really want is my grundle/gooch/gaza strip played with. Thing is, I don’t want to freak the lady out at all for wanting her near my anoos. (We have a mutual respect for bunghole privacy) How do I ask her without her thinking I’m a sicko to reach a little deeper and give some attention to the taint?

You could always instruct her to do a little taint-tickling while in mid-ballplay. Chances are she’s not wild about that either and wants to just finish up. Letting her know the task will be expedited with taintage will help your cause.

Bears-centric Football two-parter: 1. Any chance the Bears make a stab at Cutlerfucker?

The Bears seem to be also-rans in the Cutlerfucker sweepstakes, [UPDATE: Whoops again!] which strikes me as an odd one. A capable quarterback he may be, Cutler is by the second turning into more and more of a helmet-haired bitch that no teammate can possibly respect. True, that doesn’t mean he’s not an upgrade over the Neckbeard, but not enough that you need to mortgage the future for him. Besides, who the fuck would he throw to?

2. How late does Forte go in fantasy drafts this year?

Straight in San Francisco

Top 10 pick.

Greetings, ball-gaggers,

I come to you with questions of etiquette, hoping that the Emily Post of Sportsbloggers could assist.

Wow. That’s an Emily Post and an Ann Landers reference in the same mailbag. Thankfully Carolyn Hax has yet to be namechecked, lest I garrote myself.

Football: I have a long and storied history of doing incredibly poorly in my pools. Is there any good way to lose or refuse graciously, when you’re asked to join just so some other dillhole can say he didn’t come in last? It helps that my fees are covered from time to time, but it’s starting to get humiliating.

Why would you want to lose gracefully?

Sex: What’s the waiting period on banging a friend’s ex-wife? We’re not close friends, and the separation isn’t quite finalized, but I almost hooked up with her before they ever got together, but she was too drunk and passed out, literally, with her hand down my pants. She’s been in touch now that word is out that they’re splitsville, but I don’t want to risk offending my friends, who know this guy a lot better than I do.

Yours eternally,

Blue-ball City

Wait it out until the separation is complete. Either way, you’re in for some uneasiness.

Gentlemen,

I’ve got a long-term girlfriend, so no worries of disease. So is there anything wrong with me using the withdrawal method of birth control?

DREW: Not if you’re ready for fatherhood.

FLUBBY: Dude, that shit worked like a charm for me for ten years — no complaints here.

I know all those stats that say what percent effective it is, but is that bullshit if you really manage to get out of Dodge in time?

Yes. Until you don’t.

Keeper league question – Brandon Marshall, with a big question mark at QB, or Terrell Owens, with an equally big question mark at QB?

In a keeper league, it’s gotta be Marshall. Though if the Broncos end up with a rookie starting next year, that could spell trouble. Not that Cutler and Marshall were really all that simpatico either though.

Salami Chokers,

Sex: After a real nice 10-12 year run of getting tail (no superman by any means) from my late teens in New York to a liberal arts college, through Europe and Asia, I have hit some hard times. I have been out of work for well past a year, living off whats left of my savings and sucking it up and moving in with my father and his cramped ass apartment. I did what every other asshole does when he loses his job and sense of self worth, I got fat, real fat. With the economy being what it is and my industry taking a tailspin I doubt that there is going to be work coming anytime soon. So here’s my question: I am officially down to my last 100 bucks, now do I take this money and get the 3 month membership (recession special) at the local gym and get my fat ass back in shape; or do I take the last of my money go to a local dive and get drunk enough to bag and tag a wildebeest? Lets just say that my unemployment has gone hand in hand with my celibacy and I am quite desperate. So do I take the long term solution and become palatable to the female species again or do I just say fuck it and do what needs to be done with someone as desperate as me? My last hundred goes where you say it goes.

Sucks for you that you drew one of the two KSKers who actually exercises from time to time. However, here’s the thing with lose weight versus boozy one-night stand: Can’t you do both? You can exercise without joining a gym. However, I would still advise going the gym route. Bagging some stocky hag as a last resort is only gonna make you feel worse in the long run. Plus staying a ghastly space eater isn’t gonna help the already bleak job prospects.

Football: 2nd and 3rd from the Giants to the Brownholes for Braylon Edwards, Fair?

Easy,

Trope

Absolutely fair. Though I’m a little freaked about how well this will probably work out for the Giants if it goes down. I can see Braylon having a redemptive year, especially if he goes to a contending team.

Dear olestors of mailbag,

Sex: So I’ve been with “the one” for over three years, and I’m moving close to popping the question, but one thing is holding me back…..since we started dating she has gone from a legit boner-in-my-jeans-inducing 9.5 to arguably a 7 (this is not me getting sick of her, this has been confirmed by third parties). She’s not “fat”, but moving dangerously in that direction, she’s thrown in the towel on workouts/eating healthy/getting all done up/blowjobs, and I cant imagine what five more years and maybe a kid will do to her. To compound this problem, I am a personal trainer, bodybuilder and a fucking dietitian [Maj edit: Read - douchebag]. She interprets any diet or exercise advice I give her as me calling her a fat fuck to her face. Should I suck it up and hope for the best or cut my losses and start banging some of my hot 20-year-old clients?

Yeah, that’s a red flag. A burgeoning fatty and one who’s majorly defensive about it. You’re in a pretty untenable (and unwinnable situation here). And this is pre-ring. Still, it could be that as a real life Brad Pitt in Burn After Reading, you’re setting that fitness bar a bit high. If she keeps on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’ into the fat-ture, bang the hotties.

Football: Any advice on a new favorite team? I am a lifelong, diehard, former season ticket holding redskins fan, until now. Their signing of an injury plagued Haynesworth to that obscene deal, a flirtation with TO, their inevitable pooch-screwing of the draft, and now their hot pursuit of cutlerfucker and subsequent alienation of Campbell has broken me. Anything but the NFC-east is fine, or the Steelers, fuck them.

You’re quick to jump ship on things when they start going bad, huh? I’ll let that Steelers slight slide just this once. However, you can’t switch teams, dicksmack. Girls you can cheat on, but favorite teams? That’s some reprehensible shit. I mean, Lions fans would kill for what you got and some of those wearied, masochistic souls still occupy that fanbase.