The Single Most Douchetastic Email You’ll Ever Read
Some days, you open up your mailbox and treasure falls from the goddamn sky. Today is one such day. A reader who prefers to remain anonymous forwarded along to us what is arguably the douchiest email I’ve ever had the joy of reading. I don’t think I need to tell you that the author of this email went to Holy Cross. If you’re well off and you’ve got an insanely overstated sense of self-awesomeness, HOLY CRAWSS IS YAR FACKIN’ SCHOOL! Let’s dive in, shall we?
The author of this email decided to send this missive out to his “friends” in the Holy Cross Class of 2009, in no small part because THEY WERE NOT GETTING IT FUCKING DONE to his satisfaction. Read on…
Boys (and girls),
I write this email from a desk and cubicle just 20 miles down Interstate 290 from you guys, yet my current life is worlds and worlds apart from yours.. A lot has happened to push me to write this email, both recently and a long time ago, but regardless, I think this is all very important stuff for you to hear. Some of you may know me personally, some of you may recognize my name, and some of you just might think I’m some asshole who used to get way to drunk and inappropriate way too often. For those of you who fit in to the latter category – You’re welcome.
FOR THOSE OF YOU FACKIN’ FACKS WHO COULD NAWT HANDLE JUST HOW FACKIN’ BALL-RAWKIN’ I WAS AT SCHOOL, YOU CAN TAKE IT AND SHOVE IT UP YAR GAWDDAMN CAWKHOLE!
I did a lot of shit in my days up on Mount St. James, not going to lie, never would. Drank a lot of beers, guilty. Had some regrettable run-ins with the opposite sex, guilty. Experimented with some performance enhancing mechanisms, guilty.
I’m assuming by performance enhancing mechanism he means some sort of illegally tricked-out Nautilus machine. LOOK AT MY FACKIN’ QUADS!
Said some inappropriate and out of line things to a lot of people, guilty. But, and most importantly, had the time of my life – guilty.
Date raped a girl or six, guilty.
People always are asking me, do you miss college, don’t you wish you could go back to college, man, wasn’t college so much better than this. And, quite frankly, I have to be honest – I have to disagree on many levels with these people, and that is the lesson I want to teach you guys right now, really – before it is too late.
The reason I am not going through “college withdrawals” like many people in the real world are today, is pretty simple. I left it all on the field.
NO ONE PAHHHTIED HAHHDAH!
To be truthful, I think if I had stayed in college in the same lifestyle, I probably would have died in about another month or so. No, seriously, I think I was about a month away from dying the day I walked across the stage and got my diploma. And I must say, that was a great fucking feeling.
So true. Who hasn’t enjoyed nearly dying?
No, not getting my diploma, that was cool but whatever – I’m talking about the feeling of pushing my body to it’s limits through alcohol consumption, drug use, and blatant disregard for everything that society deems “Normal”.
CAN’T WAIT FOR THE MOVIE VERSION OF I HOPE THEY SERVE BEER IN HELL! TOTALLY GONNA RAWK!
I’m talking about sitting down for breakfast with my grandmother on mothers day and chugging my orange juice and skim milk because that is the only way I was use to drinking at that point in the school year.
This guy don’t need no instructions about how to chug. HE DRINKS MILK MORE-AH HAHHDCORE-AH THAN YOU DO!
(She’s a recovered alcoholic so you can imagine how happy she was to see her oldest grandson in such a great state of mind). I’m talking about explaining to your parents why the Buick you bought from them a year before in mint condition is missing both mirrors, the front bumper is hanging on by hockey laces, the two side panels look like someone took an aluminum bat to them, and the only reason the trunk is staying closed is because a whole roll of duct tape is holding it closed from the inside. I’m talking about waking up on a fucking porch on a Monday in a totally different part of Worcester then your last memory from Sunday night. I’m talking about getting kicked out of a fucking bar FOR LIFE and sneaking back in by tucking your terrible haircut back in to your hat just a week later. I’m talking about smoking enough Marlboro Red 100s to kill a large horse or a small Asian family. THAT’S WHAT THE FUCK IM TALKING ABOUT.
YEAH BABY! I’M TAWKING ABOUT BEING A COMPLETE AND UTTAH CAWKSOCKET!
I need you to pay attention and listen to me. Of course you can continue to party and booze and make a fool out of yourself after college, fuck most people are still doing it, just ask [name redacted]. But my whole feeling is, the only time this is really celebrated and actually looked at as a positive thing is in the four years between the day you move in to the freshman dorm and the day you walk across the stage and get your diploma from McFarland. It is so important that in the next 2 months, you guys go out every single day and really give it your fucking all out there. I’m not talking about Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Fuck that. My mother goes out Thursday, Friday and fucking Saturday.
And you should see some of the guys that plow her. You’d think they commissioned a second Big Dig.
Those all go with out saying. I’m talking about really, honestly and completely getting THE FUCK after it for the next 2 months. You have the rest of your life to be “normal” and to be a “good person” and to be a “Contributing member of society”, please do not waste your time on this trivial bull shit in the next two months – worry about that in fucking june please.
You guys need to understand something. This is not a fucking dress rehearsal.
THIS IS FAR REAL! WITH BEER PONG AND EVERYTHING! THIS IS WHAT YOU TRAINED FAHHH!
You don’t get your diploma in two months and then get to start over in the Mulledy basement and get a second shot at being great. That’s not how it works, trust me – I tried.
Oh, I bet you did, O’Bannion.
I can look any person out there in the eye and truthfully and honestly say, I have NO regrets when it comes to college. NONE. Sure there are some girls out there who may say they regret meeting me, I definitely do not doubt that for a second.
When you wake up with bruises on your ass and bite marks on your cheeks, that does tend to happen.
And I’m sure there some geeks and dickheads out there who didn’t really appreciate my candid nature when telling someone how I felt about them.
I knew I’d seen this guy’s writing before.
But FUCK them, if they cant take a joke, seriously. You guys need to lose the fucking inhibitions, stop caring what people are going to think about you or say about you – fuck them. If you don’t go out as hard as humanly possible in the next 2 months – then you’re a big fucking loser. I’m trying to be honest with you guys, I really am. I think anyone on this email that knows me will back up everything I have said so far about myself. I really went the last year of college with zero cares for anyone else other than getting as fucked up as humanly possible. Literally. Now, look at me. I’ve got a job and all that bullshit.
I’m a winner!
But who fucking cares, the most important thing, for me, is that I know that in my four years of college I achieved great things. Not fucking grades, or academic experience, or culture or fucking diversity. I fucking partied like an absolute fucking rock star. That’s all I can think of when I think of college. Rock star.
So boys and girls, I hope you really head my words today. It’s 6:30pm, its gorgeous out, and I’m at my office. Love my job, really do. But where would I be 12 months ago? I’d be on my 12th Twisted tea…
The Twisted Tea part was when I lost it. Keith Richards is in fucking AWE of this man.
…my 19th Marlboro Red, and my 6th Adderoll.
Yeah, but I heard Matt Stafford did eight Adderoll at the combine.
What does that mean now? It just makes the fact that I am sitting in an office right now that much easier of a pill to swallow. I did it all, and I left it all 20 miles down the road on Mount St. James. I don’t mind waking up at 6am now, even though last year that is about the time I would finally get to the Cambridge apartment to pass out on the bean bag. I don’t mind spending Tuesday nights at home with my parents when last year I was putting my head under the fucking taps at the campus pub.
So remember, gang: be hardcore all through college and you too can live in Worcester with your folks. Rock star. That’s all I can think.
But if I hadn’t really put it all on the line, I don’t know if I’d be able to deal with all the bullshit I have to do now, I really don’t. That is why I wrote this email. To make you guys understand what is really on the line these next two months. Please, do it for me, go out there and get it FUCKING DONE.
I would expect nothing less from the senior class of 2009, I really wouldn’t.
Now, put everything aside and really think about what I’ve had to say. You guys need to focus and really get this done, above all else. I mean, you guys are pretty fucked in this economy anyways, seriously.
Sincerely and from the bottom of My Heart
[name redacted] Holy Cross Class of 2008
But WAIT! It gets even better. Because here’s a picture of our little Captain Badass…
That’s a good look there, fella. I bet all the girls creamed their jeans whenever they saw you and JackO playing hallway baseball.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, date rapists, douchebags, he's considering a move to LA, misplaced motivational tactics, nice hat, people who brag about their college days are almost as bad as people who brag about their high school days, this is just like the time he was in Nam
![[badge]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/themes/default/images/100121_FOXmsnBadge_200x50.gif)
April 9th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
Adderall is cocaine for people with kids.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
NO ONE DENIES THIS!!!!!!!!!
April 9th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
MY ANKLE SAWX AHH BETTAH THAN YAHS AHH!!!!!
April 9th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
LOOK AT MY SHIRT ISNT IT HILARIOUS PAY ATTENTION TO ME IM SO LONELY
April 9th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Also, if by “Rock Star” he means “Loudmouth Drunken Homeless Asshole”, I agree.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
April Fools?
April 9th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Google Poe’s Law.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Drew, this deserves an ‘FJM Style’ tag.
Also, congrats on being the biggest fucking cockwallet on the planet, dipshit. Oh wow, you partied in college. NOBODY HAS EVER DONE THAT BEFORE!
I also completely fail to see why you have to be the biggest, most fucking annoying assbag in college just so that you can deal with having a job. The large majority of people go through college in moderation and, guess what, they deal with having jobs just fine.
NO ONE DENIES THIS!
April 9th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Clearly not a Bates man.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
I can smell his Axe Body Spray through the computer.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
the phrase: that’s all I can think of when I think of _______. Rock star…… is now a part of my vocabulary. Thank you.
and, I almost don’t believe that you didn’t doctor the paragraph that ended in THAT’S WHAT THE FUCK I’M TALKING ABOUT. it’s too good.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
myspace.com/PANTY_DROPPAH!!!
April 9th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Yeah, I think I may have met this guy a few times on campus. Don’t be jealous.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Because spending my time in a wasted void with a busted ass car and moving back in my parents is exactly what I’d do if I had another chance. Treating people like shit and being a general drain on society would have TOTALLY made me a bad ass.
@Gino Tourettsa: +1 for the Axe comment
April 9th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
So remember, gang: be hardcore all through college and you too can live in Worcester with your folks. Rock star. That’s all I can think.
That was a genius comment. So right on lol.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
This guy only believes what he reads in Maxim.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Can we get him fired? I mean, really, it’s late afternoon on a Thursday. What else is there to do? Let’s just un-redact that name and send this brah back to the taps at the campus pub.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
One year out of college and he’s dispensing advice to the young-uns? What a fuckhead.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
(looks at 2nd picture)
Mike Damone has really let himself go
April 9th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
How did he get the duct tape INSIDE the trunk???????
What a badass.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
I was going to say something about how much I hate the people I meet here in Dallas, but LA-style metrosexuals are ten times better than this dude.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
This guy is the Matthew McConaughey of Boston douchebags. J.K. Partyin’.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
On the upside, with as many Marlboro Reds as this guy smoked, he’ll be dead soon. Most likely his seed will be wiped from the earth.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
In the words of the fruity maitre d’ in Ferris Bueller, “I weep for the future.”
April 9th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
How did he get the duct tape INSIDE the trunk???????
The nerd he tricked into helping him is still locked in there.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
You know, people used to be ashamed to be assholes. Now they embrace it as another lifestyle choice for which the rest of us are not allowed to judge.
As for me: Calling a guy an asshole for acting like an asshole and being proud of it? Guilty.
I love it when 20-somethings tell the rest of us how life should be lived. Because who would know better about it than someone who’s BEEN TO COLLEGE? That’s where all the real living and experiencing is happening. All that comes afterward is merely waiting for the sweet release of death.
Who did he send this shit to? And does someone sell some kind of program that will get all the douche out of your computer when you receive an e-mail like this?
April 9th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
His email needs more “reallys”
April 9th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
Hi…long time listener, first time caller…
Let me introduce myself…I am a foodie and I love most things involving Marshawn Lynch…
that being said, this is the douchiest shit ever. It’s epic.
…is it wrong to wish an annoying, but not debilitating disease on him?
April 9th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
Twisted Tea? Really? Twisted fucking Tea? Are you able to get the straw near your mouth when you’re biting the pillow? To save time does your boyfriend drink it and just piss in your mouth while you suck him off.
Holy Raptor Jesus standing on a corner in Winslow Arizona!
April 9th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
I hope you really head my words today
HEED! PANTS! NOOW! Lookit dat heed…like an orange on a toothpick.
April 9th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
There’s no doubt in my mind that this guy has at some point in his life, fucked a sheep. Maybe alive. Maybe dead. But a sheep, nofuckingdoubtaboutit.
April 9th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Looks like we have a winner for the Mike Damone look-a-like contest.
What are you kidding? We’re gonnah surprise them. Look, just fix your collah, aight? Relax – just be cool. Attitude, remembah? Where’d you get that, outta the hampah?
April 9th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
I’ll bet he loves fishsticks. Heh.
Also, I really really REALLY hope this guy pulls a “Crying Giants Fan,” and actually posts here on KSK to defend himself.
April 9th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Do you think he’s on some kind of anti depressants? I wonder if he has attempted suicide lately. That is the only explanation, right? I bet he’s never read The Twilight series, either. What a choad.
April 9th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
He got his degree in four years, and he was a party animal? Really? I call bullshit.
April 9th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
Now we had a chance to meet this young man, and boy that’s just a straight shooter with upper management written all over him.
April 9th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Looks like we have a winner for the Mike Damone look-a-like contest
I wonder if this guy can get me and Jefferson tickets to Earth, Wind & Fire? Eh, probably not. This guy couldn’t even hook you up with Blue Öyster Cult tickets.
April 9th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
Had some regrettable run-ins with the opposite sex, guilty
#47 definitely wasn’t impressed
April 9th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
@Animal Mother:
“Holy Raptor Jesus standing on a corner in Winslow Arizona!”
Now THAT’s an exclamation. Well played.
April 9th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Score, Grimey.
If you make another one, can it be a still shot of #47 making the Isosceles gesture over her pelvis? I always liked that part.
April 9th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
I just read this post in its entirety for the second time. It just occurred to me that if BDD had written a letter like this as a parody of a Holy Cross douchebag, there’s no way I’d be able to tell the real letter from the fake. I think this is the best I’ve ever felt about hating another human being.
April 9th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
Please tell me this isn’t real.
April 9th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
CT is that you?
April 9th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
I didn’t know Tawmmy and Kerry Collins had a lovechild. I’m guessin his office is secretly 30 miles away in Foxborough. His email lacked the characteristic racism, though
April 9th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
Get the fuck outta here. You can just tell this dick is a collar popped douchebag. Who the fuck drinks “Twisted Tea”??? Our poor asses drank Natty Lite and ENJOYED IT. +1 for the Tucker Max shoutout
April 9th, 2009 at 6:08 pm
I’ve never been more embarassed to be from New England. This meathead does not speak for me!
April 9th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
Twisted Tea and FACKIN PAAAAAHHHHHHHHLAHMENTS
April 9th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
I didn’t know Tucker Max had a little brother.
April 9th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Sense of humor. Get one.
April 9th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
Grimey +10
Hey, it looks like ouwah cawkrackah showed up. Welcome!
April 9th, 2009 at 6:38 pm
PS – twisted teas are good. This email is hilarious, if you realize it was written as a joke. And who ever sent this in was clearly some nerd that never had fun. The kid who wrote this email wrote it to the seniors, as a joke, to make them realize college is short and to enjoy it as much as possible.
It’s called humor, relaaaaaaaaaaax.
Keep blogging, the world needs plenty of people to be jealous of the rest of the world that is successful and happy. Mine as well be some over weight donkey that sits in his basement in sweat pants covered in Nacho Crumbs and spilled chocolate milk. AS for those who read the blogs (during the work day), you must be important. Losers.
April 9th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
It’s the Bahhhstin Twisted Tea Pahhhhty ya facks!
April 9th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
+1 phony.
April 9th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
hahahahaha twisted tea
April 9th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
Haha, he showed up to defend himself.
April 9th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
Oh, I get it. The sweatshirt’s funny because he’s not really a Grandpa. Well played.
April 9th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
@ Blogs are for people who cant get laid
Do I feel bad after that scathing wake up call to teh internets – guilty.
BTW twisted tea is as gay as you and your letter writing boyfriend. Good thing you’re close to MA! Let us know where you register, k?
April 9th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
I run film screenings for a living, and one of the movies I screened a couple months ago was the movie version of I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell. It actually TOTALLY RAWKED. Probably the funniest movie I have ever screened. I had never heard of Tucker Max or his book before I saw the movie, and I still loved every minute of the movie. It’s funnier than anything else out there, that’s for sure. (And no, I don’t work for their production company.) Anyway, just thought I’d let ya know.
(Also, I’m a fucking PLANT.)
April 9th, 2009 at 7:27 pm
The most interesting thing about New England is that there are two people. Ones with class, and people like this. Unfortunately, the loud minority makes us look like damn fools most of the time.
I love Bawstin, but people like this guy just make us look foolish.
April 9th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
“AS for those who read the blogs (during the work day), you must be important. Losers.”
Yeah, reading blogs during the workday is for geeks! Responding to their responses during the same workday is totally cool, however.
April 9th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
I went to Holy Cross. I know this guy.
This is honestly how he talked for four years. This e-mail was not a joke. He’s 100% serious.
April 9th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
@StuScottBooyahs: “One year out of college and he’s dispensing advice to the young-uns? What a fuckhead.”
This, more than anything else, is what makes the e-mailer a d-bag.
April 9th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
This is the guy in the office that sits around talking about getting trashed back in college like it was some sort of badge of honor and even though no one really wants to hear about the time his buddy got so drunk/baked/both that he pissed on the TV, he’s more than happy to tell you the whole story in full detail. Weekly. And this e-mail was completed with the pathetic attempt to keep what tiny shred of respectability he may have left by trying to claim that he doesn’t do that sort of thing any more, even though he talks about it with a tone of wistful remembrance.
April 9th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
As soon as I saw the pic, I instantly thought of Mike Damone from Fast Times. I never liked that fucker !!
April 9th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
I see where you Mike Damone guys are coming from—-but Friday night he was Brian Johnson of AC/DC.
Looks like he’s happily on his way to see Dane Cook.
April 9th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
Rawk Fackin STAHHHH!
April 9th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
J.R., legendary; Gino the whop, off-base ginzo computer tool callin the kettle black. How many a you tossed salad lovin’ virgins still tryin to convince people you aint gay? First person to say he’s got a big dick should run it by his boyfriend for approval first. Teas and reds. Mustaches and Geeks.
Noteable cross graduates: Bob Cousy, Park Smith, JD Power, Clarence Thomas, Tom Heinsohn, LSD Pioneer Tim Leary, Louis Sockalexis, Jon Favreau, Bill Simmons, Chris Matthews, Kevin the Facebook Fairy Colvin, The Fonz, Kool-Aid, and Casper the wicked angry ghost.
Noteable fags: people who write (+1 – +10) in their posts, what is this some kinda circle jerk club? This is not where I parked my car.
April 9th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
admittedly sad, I’m italian and I still misspell WOP.
April 9th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
Holy Cross is a safety school’s safety school. And that email is exhibit a in that argument. Wow, just wow…
April 9th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
Notable Graduate: Bill Simmons. That dude rips on your fucking pansy school in every column. Have fun playing Patriot League basketball and no football, faggot.
Sincerely,
BC Student
April 9th, 2009 at 8:59 pm
Even people from Boston hate this guy.
April 9th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
Blogs are for people who cant get laid Says:
Keep blogging, the world needs plenty of people to be jealous of the rest of the world that is successful and happy. Mine as well be some over weight donkey that sits in his basement in sweat pants covered in Nacho Crumbs and spilled chocolate milk. AS for those who read the blogs (during the work day), you must be important. Losers.
You mean successful as in living with my parents and drinking twisted tea successful? We can’t all be Rawkstars champ.
April 9th, 2009 at 9:22 pm
It’s Adderall not Adderoll. Dickhead. Know your own fuckin drugs, dipshit.
“I really went the last year of college with zero cares for anyone else other than getting as fucked up as humanly possible.”
This line shows you that his excuse for having no friends was that he partied too much. In truth he had no friends because he’s just a fucking douche.
April 9th, 2009 at 9:22 pm
Poes Law POES LAW
I actually have no idea if this is real or fake at this point, not sure I ever will.
April 9th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
This kinda thing makes me glad my parents moved us to California when I was 3 and haven’t looked back since
/knows how to party
//also super cool to the homeless
April 9th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
FACK DEM GEEKS AND DICKHEADS WHO DIDN’T APPRECIATE MAH CANDID NAYCHAAAAH! FACK EM IF THEY CAHNT TAKE A JOKE! YOU NEED TO LOSE THE FACKIN INHIBITIONS, STAHP CAHRING WHAT PEOPLE ARE GANNA THINK ABAHT YOU!
THAT’S WHY I’M TYPING THIS WICKED AWESOME E-LETTAH WHERE I SPEND THE WHOLE FACKING THING TALKIN ABOUT WHAT WHAT I THINK OF YAH AND WHAT I THINK YOU SHOULD FACKIN DO! I ALSO SPEND MAACH OF THE TIME TALKING ABOUT WHAT OTHA PEOPLE THINK O MEH AND HOW HUNG UP ON MEH I YAAAHM.
NO ONE DENIES THIS!
April 9th, 2009 at 9:26 pm
Nice outfit, Long Duk Dumbass.
“What was he wearing? Well, uh, let’s see, he was wearing a white sweatshirt, and blue cut-off shorts, and a plaid driving cap, and brown shoes with white socks …. No, he’s not retarded!”
April 9th, 2009 at 9:29 pm
Mine (sic) as well be some over weight donkey that sits in his basement in sweat pants covered in Nacho Crumbs and spilled chocolate milk.
You got me there, but you should see how badass I am as I chug the hell out of that chocolate milk.
April 9th, 2009 at 9:31 pm
“LSD Pioneer Tim Leary”
Oh, you mean the guy who dropped to his knees when he went to jail and worked with the feds to set up his friends and wife?
April 9th, 2009 at 9:32 pm
Jesus Fucking Christ.
April 9th, 2009 at 9:36 pm
“Noteable cross graduates…”
Somehow in three words, you managed to let us all know you’re an insufferable douchebag with a popped collar and golf visor.
Misspelled “notable.” Called your piece of shit college “cross” (and seriously, I’ve never even heard of Holy Cross before now). And then proceeded to brag about its famous graduates, only proving they’re a collection of pathetic assclowns.
April 9th, 2009 at 9:38 pm
Tom Heinsohn? THE Tom Heinsohn?! That must be some kind of amazing school.
April 9th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
Yes the same Tommy Heinsohn who yells OFFENSIVE FAW-UHL after any opposing player scores a contested layup. God, I hate that douche. Makes sense he went to “the Cross”.
April 9th, 2009 at 9:46 pm
Oh, the Tucker Max references. I tried to read that book (b/c I love misogynistic humor as much as the next girl) and ended up throwing it away. The guy who wrote this email would have came all over those blue shorts, if he didn’t have permanent whiskey dick, when he read it.
My soul weeps for the fact that Tucker Max is from my home state of KY, but it is a victory that this guy is from Bawstin.
April 9th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
People like this, are why kids shoot up colleges, and seriously what the fuck is up with Tucker Max? We get it you are an asshole towards douches and people who dont think you are awesome.Bravo.
/ends mini-rant
April 9th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
this guy must be King of the Mass-holes.
April 9th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
As a Holy Cross graduate, I can assure you that the vast majority of us aren’t like this. I remember seeing this guy on campus- this email is 100% serious. This guy embarrasses our school- please give us the benefit of the doubt.
April 9th, 2009 at 10:10 pm
I SMOKE CIGARETTES! I DRANK AND DID DRUGS IN COLLEGE! I WEAR ABSURDLY MISLABELED SWEATERS! SEE HOW AWESOME I AM? PLEASE BE MY FRIEND!
April 9th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
No, this guy has it right. If you’re a college graduate, potential bosses don’t want to hear about your grades, or extracurricular activities, or work history, or any of that stupid gay bullshit for nerdy fags. No, people in the working world want to hear that story about how you partied your balls off the night before your history final, then showed up hungover and puked on the professor’s shoes.
So rejoice, Mr. Holy Cross douchebag. When you get tired of your current job selling nickel bags behind the gas station, you will have a fucking LOADED resume.
April 9th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
the heinousness of this e-mail is best exemplified by this fact:
THE MOTHERFUCKER BRAGS ABOUT HOW MANY CIGARETTES HE SMOKED IN COLLEGE.
holy. fuck.
April 9th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
This guy’s outta control- Michael Phelps outta control!
April 9th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
I graduated college. It was called Harvard.
April 9th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
YOO I DRAANKK 18 TIWISSSTED TEAAAS AND RAPED THI GIRL ON MY FLOORRR! PARRTY LIKEA ROCKSTARRR!
April 9th, 2009 at 10:45 pm
I didn’t know Artee Lang from the Stern Show went to Holy Cross!
April 9th, 2009 at 11:18 pm
this guy has inspired me to become a career student!
April 9th, 2009 at 11:18 pm
@Otto Man: otherwise known as ‘loungewear’ in Monty Capuletti’s ‘regular guy’ collection!
April 9th, 2009 at 11:38 pm
Holy shit! he’s in cutoffs! People still wear those things? really?
and i agree with The H in Leonhard is silent – totally Brian Johnson.
April 10th, 2009 at 12:09 am
Looks like Captain Goodtimes had an accident judging from the puke stains on the sweatshirt.
April 10th, 2009 at 12:21 am
This guy’s an asshole, but you all don’t know shit about holy cross. It’s one of the best schools in the country – makes sense most of you haven’t heard of it.
April 10th, 2009 at 12:24 am
This guy thinks your party sucks if you don’t play “I Love College” at least 4 times
April 10th, 2009 at 12:26 am
I like how his sweater’s in Pats colours just to confirm that he is in fact from New England and that all Pats fans are indeed douchebags of the deepest order…
April 10th, 2009 at 12:32 am
He’s a douchebag, but so are the 15 people here who seem to think “FAGGOT” is the greatest insult ever.
April 10th, 2009 at 12:51 am
“AS for those who read the blogs (during the work day), you must be important. Losers.”
Yeah, I only fix B-1 bomber jets for the military. I’m sure you have me beat. Oh wait, my work day is from 2:30-10:30. Guess I’m a winner!
Be sure to drink your twisted tea with your pinky out. That’s the proper way to drink it, ma’am.
April 10th, 2009 at 12:51 am
“It’s one of the best schools in the country – makes sense most of you haven’t heard of it.”
I’m pretty sure you just created a “sense paradox”
April 10th, 2009 at 12:52 am
as a holy cross grad, let me say that the only people i hate more than douches like the kid who wrote this email are the ones who feel the need to run out and defend what a great school it is every time the school is brought up. take it easy for christs sakes; we’re having fun at the expense of a douchebag masshole here. this isnt an indictment of holy cross in general. everyone obviously knows that every person to come from there isn’t a douche.
and that jon favreau that was noted as a notable alum… yea, it’s not THAT jon favreau. you know, the one from swingers. they’re referring to some speech writer for obama. it would be MUCH sweeter if it was swingers jon favreau.
April 10th, 2009 at 12:54 am
the more i think about it, the more pissed im getting. who the fuck references a fucking speech writer as a notable alum? fuck. i need another drink.
April 10th, 2009 at 12:57 am
The sad part is, when he was listing the notable alumni, he probably thought it was the Swingers Jon Favreau.
April 10th, 2009 at 1:39 am
I have to leave my comment before reading all the others. For a second, I was like, man, I am lame, I hardly ever go out and party, blah blah blah, maybe I should be more wild, blah blah blah.
And then I remembered, I don’t want to lose my virginity to a date-rapist-twat-waffle like this guy.
April 10th, 2009 at 1:42 am
The speechwriter Jon Favreau has a photo of him grabbing a boob on a cardboard cutout of Hillary Clinton. Sounds like a Holy Cross graduate. Also, isn’t this some kind of christian or catholic school, i mean Holy Cross. Maybe drinking Twisted Tea is pretty hardcore for there, just like staying up past lights out.
April 10th, 2009 at 1:43 am
I hope this guy becomes the newest character in KSK canon.
As in:
*door flies open*
YOU FAAAAACKS AREN’T DRINKIN’ ENOUGH TWISTED TEA!! FACKIN GUILTY! THAT’S WHAT THE FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK I’M TAWWWWWWWWWKIN’ ABOUT!!
Also, Bill Belicheck is plowing this guy’s mom. While he watches.
April 10th, 2009 at 1:56 am
Whoa there now. The John Favreau they are referencing who was an Obama speech writer also got caught after the election posting up a picture on Facebook of him groping a Hillary Clinton life-size cardboard cutout. That’s some funny shit.
April 10th, 2009 at 2:51 am
“Follow your dreams, you can achieve your goals. I’m Living proof. Beefcake BEEFCAKE!!!”
April 10th, 2009 at 3:50 am
that letter is more creepy than funny. he practically admits to date-rape.
April 10th, 2009 at 3:54 am
@TOOOORWSays:
Don’t forget breaking the bed.
And don’t forget soiling the sheets.
Sorry for the late post.
/apologies for living in the Pacific Time Zone
/Fuck Hawaiians for living 3 hours farther west!
/Fuck the Japs for fuckin’ Pearl Harbor!!!!!!
There, I’m done. As you were. men.
April 10th, 2009 at 4:07 am
@ Gino Tourettsa
“I can smell his Axe Body Spray through the computer.”
+165465346413
I shot Dr. Pepper out of my nose and all over my keyboard.
April 10th, 2009 at 4:13 am
This guy sounds like everything he’s ever done was done to try to impress other people and no other reason. Look at me!
April 10th, 2009 at 7:37 am
And to think, people constantly slander us Philly folks. This guy defines bloody vaginal secretion.
April 10th, 2009 at 8:31 am
I am fairly positive he is either carrying that purse, or trying to steal it in the picture. NO ONE WEAHS JORTS LIKE MY JORTS!
April 10th, 2009 at 8:53 am
Laugh all you want, in seven years this guy is going to be writing PK’s column.
“No one sits in as much traffic as the good people of Wuhstuh! I drank eight fackin cups of cawfee at Dunks. The fackin’ Hauliday Inn wouldn’t let me have a therd Mahrlbooooro in their fackin’ labby?! Fackin’ fackins.”
April 10th, 2009 at 9:10 am
I was going to go to Holy Cross, but on my campus visit I got wicked scared by all the partying. No, that’s a lie. I didn’t go to Holy Cross because a) Worchester is in the running with New Bedford, Bridgeport, and Lawrence for ‘worst city in New England,’ and b) I placed out by having finished middle school.
April 10th, 2009 at 9:17 am
Ladies and Gentleman…the mayor of Worchester….
April 10th, 2009 at 9:17 am
The fact that he sports a mullet really says it all.
April 10th, 2009 at 9:19 am
@cooperissuper — True words. Lofty Words.
April 10th, 2009 at 9:22 am
I think I was about a month away from dying the day I walked across the stage and got my diploma.
Fuck the people in charge of the academic calendar at Holy Cross. If they could have just stretched out the school year another 4 weeks, we might have been able to avoid this nonsense.
April 10th, 2009 at 9:23 am
O’Doyle Rules!
April 10th, 2009 at 9:27 am
The fact that he sports a mullet really says it all.
Coupled with the golfing cap, he’s really rocking the Gallagher look hard. The 80s Retard™ outfit only completes the image.
April 10th, 2009 at 9:29 am
This guy is a fucking gash and I hope the business he works for goes under. Any business that employs a guy like that is one that we don’t want to succeed.
And Slothrop, you forgot about Springfield and Lowell…
/goes to UMass Lowell
April 10th, 2009 at 9:29 am
JESUS TITTY-FUCKING….
April 10th, 2009 at 10:03 am
@Pigs, I considered Springfield, but my brother and sister-in-law live in W. Springfield and it’s a nice area. Hartford also got some looks, but likewise, W. Hartford is nice.
Lowell was an oversight, but the warzone that is Lawrence kind of overshadows how insanely fucked up Lowell is.
/Grew up in Merrimack Valley. Eagle-Trib, represent!
April 10th, 2009 at 10:12 am
Who the fuck wrote this? Why the fuck did he write this? Why the fuck did he send it in? Why the fuck did I read the entire fucking thing? Sweet lord in heaven.
April 10th, 2009 at 10:19 am
So this guy shows up to talk shit about how great he is on a blog (while demeaning those who comment on blogs), and you STILL have to keep his name redacted? Come on, now. Let’s have some fun with the lad.
/cutoffs are for never-nudes.
April 10th, 2009 at 10:20 am
Don’t rule out the chance that this guy might be from Rhode Island.
April 10th, 2009 at 10:24 am
Experimented with some performance enhancing mechanisms, guilty.
Yeah, I can see that
April 10th, 2009 at 10:33 am
I love the idea of this guy talking about how fun college was for the next forty years of his life. I mean, think about him at sixty years old, lighting up a Marlboro, looking over to one of his genetically challenged grandlkids and proudly telling the kid that at one time, for possibly four years, he was cool. No really. Super cool. Rock star cool. Lofty cool.
April 10th, 2009 at 10:40 am
Constant use of Rohypnol does not qualify as “experimenting with some performance enhancing mechanisms.”
April 10th, 2009 at 10:48 am
He’s from Marlboro. Please don’t lump the rest of the ‘Saders with him. And I was his buddy.
Balls.
April 10th, 2009 at 10:53 am
You must be a winner then, Waggn. Luckyyyyyyyyyy.
April 10th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Constant use of Rohypnol does not qualify as “experimenting with some performance enhancing mechanisms.”
but if you drop a little blue pill in your own drink…
April 10th, 2009 at 10:57 am
I’ve lived less than an hour’s drive from Holy Cross for 10 years, and I keep forgetting that it’s an actual school.
April 10th, 2009 at 11:01 am
“I mean, think about him at sixty years old, lighting up a Marlboro”
Do you really think this toolbox will make it to 60?
April 10th, 2009 at 11:05 am
douchey douchey douche douche douche
/chugs myoplex
//now i’m done
April 10th, 2009 at 11:28 am
@TR: wtill waiting for someone to pick up “THE Tom Heinsohn” and start commenting…
Ladies and gentlemen: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Tommy_2008_Celtics.jpg
April 10th, 2009 at 11:35 am
I FACKIN HATE PEOPLE WHO TYPE THE WORDS LISTEN TO MEEEE
NO ONE PAHHHTIED HAHHDAH!
April 10th, 2009 at 11:48 am
I own that hat.
April 10th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
/looks forlornly at flames licking at Holy Cross diploma.
/pokes with the fire poker
April 10th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Awww, leave Tommy alone. He’s like our sports grandpa. Sure, he rambles on and tells stories you don’t want to hear and screams when he’s inappropriate, but we still love him. Definitely makes sense though that people who don’t root for the Celtics wouldn’t like him. I know I hated the fuck out of Myron Cope.
April 10th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
VAN WILDAAAAAHHHHH WAS A FACKIN DAWK-YOU-MENTAREE OF MY TENYAHHH AT THE HOLY CRAWSS! THOSE FACKIN FACKS SHADOWED ME FOR AN ENTIYAHHH SEMESTAHHH TO MORE-AH ACCURATELY POR-A-TRAYH THEY-AH LEAD CHARAHCTAHHH!! THEY-AHH ONLY MISTAKE WAS THE LACK OF TWISTED TEAS!!! THAT VAN WILDAHHHH PRICK COULDN’T DRINK THE TWISAHHHS LIKE I COULD! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
April 10th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
I want Peter King’s response to this version of BAWSTON … does this man chug coffee flavored water??
April 10th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
I have a sneaking suspicion King Twisted Tea either drives a ‘92 Volvo or a ‘98 Probe.
April 10th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Only chicks drink beer. Twisted Teas and Smirnoff Ice are for real men. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
April 10th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
@ Lil Lebowski: oh he drives a probe all right
April 10th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
@Sloth: I definitely hear you about Lawrence. I lived there for the first 8 years of my life, moved to Haverhill, and then ended up going to Central Catholic High which brought me back to that hell hole. I couldn’t go off school grounds without fear of being shot or run over by an illegal immigrant.
April 10th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
98 Probe or 9.8 inch anal probe?
April 10th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Shocked that he didnt end it with “Go Sawx”
April 10th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
dude, i went to holy cross and graduated with this guy, and he’s right on the money….it IS fucking cool to almost die on a nightly basis, shit i still go back to holy cross and party with all the little kids now, its my fucking life and i love it
so dont hate fellas because youre not living it up with me and this demigod of holy cross…GO SADERS
ps. i have a huge ass purple tattoo of a holy cross on my arm that screams I’M THE FUCKING MAN
April 10th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Sitting in my office in Worcester, and just starting to understand why people despise the area…..
April 10th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Ugh…HC students aren’t really this bad. Please believe me.
April 10th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Lofty parties. True parties.
April 10th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Wow, I guess I need to start over and go to Holy Cross. My Big Ten college didn’t have any of those things, no sluts, no weeklong partying, no blackouts, no wrecked Buicks (1966 Electra 225), no getting kicked out of bars. I feel so unfulfilled.
April 10th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
…oh, almost forgot, no vomiting on the lacrosse field with a paralyzing hangover…
April 10th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
If he didn’t state the year he graduated in his little prick-u-mentary, I would have assumed the pictures included were from the early eighties. Dressed like that, I can only surmise that this guy had one lifelong friend whom he still lives with … his mom.
P.S. Only cabbys and Brian Johnson of AC/DC can pull off hats like that buddy. And you sir are no Brian Johnson.
April 10th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
YOUAWWL ARE JUST JEALOUS! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
April 10th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
You know, I have a daughter who is a junior in high school. I am cancelling this whole college thing. Taking the money and buying a kick ass bass boat and a truck to pull it. She will be safer for it. Did he really admit to date raping, or at least imply it? Wow! What a dick.
April 10th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
No. I know that kid and graduated with him. He was a douche. A few people liked him, but anyone with half a brain hated that guy. This email is not a joke. This is deadpan. He would say something like “I chug my OJ cause thats what I do with all his drinks.” Its kinda like that Andrew WK guy. He was almost not a ridiculous loser when people thought he was being ironic. Then when they found out he was braindead well…
Blogs are for people who cant get laid Says:
April 9th, 2009 at 6:38 pm
PS – twisted teas are good. This email is hilarious, if you realize it was written as a joke. And who ever sent this in was clearly some nerd that never had fun. The kid who wrote this email wrote it to the seniors, as a joke, to make them realize college is short and to enjoy it as much as possible.
It’s called humor, relaaaaaaaaaaax.
Keep blogging, the world needs plenty of people to be jealous of the rest of the world that is successful and happy. Mine as well be some over weight donkey that sits in his basement in sweat pants covered in Nacho Crumbs and spilled chocolate milk. AS for those who read the blogs (during the work day), you must be important. Losers.
April 10th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Hovey:
You better not let her go to The Cross b/c #1 Grandpa is going to “Shake her all night long!”
and chances are she will be out cold the whole time.
April 10th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
haven’t we all met people we regret meeting?
i don’t understand how saying ‘i’ve certainly run into girls who regret having met me’ is somehow translated into, ‘i most certainly date raped girls?’
please explain. or is boston really just that lame? i went to college in upstate ny and unfortunately all your Massholes saying he’s only representing a small minority of the boston mindset are LIARS!
April 10th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Rumor has it that this Adonis, this god amongst men, this – dare I say – Rockstar once went to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. It is my understanding that he had an alcoholic beverage whilst underage AND, I repeat, AND saw a young woman bare her breasts.
Truly, I am most impressed.
I may name my kid after him – Dipshit Itches has a nice ring to it.
April 10th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
haha Fa Cube, I really like that “AND” was what you repeated. Well done.
April 10th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
“a) Worchester is in the running with New Bedford, Bridgeport, and Lawrence for ‘worst city in New England,’”
QFT
April 11th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
“Noteable cross graduates: Bob Cousy, Park Smith, JD Power, Clarence Thomas, Tom Heinsohn, LSD Pioneer Tim Leary, Louis Sockalexis, Jon Favreau, Bill Simmons, Chris Matthews, Kevin the Facebook Fairy Colvin, The Fonz….”
The Fonz didn’t go to Holy Cross. I went to Emerson and he was one of the alumni they like to brag about. If this incites attacks on Emerson, good. I fucking hated that school.
April 11th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
I grew up one town over from Bridgeport, it was a wonderful experience being able to drive into B-po after 8 pm on a sunday whilst underage to pick up beers (twisted tea is for women, I’m sorry). Aka, the blue law hat trick. Ergo, I must know more about this Lawrence place It must be fuckign awful (Worcester ain’t exactly Beverly Hills).
@Blogs are for people who cant get laid: BDD’s blog about raising a child is decent proof that bloggers do, in fact, get laid.
That said, I’ve met and am friends with a lot of very solid people who went to HC. They’re not all douchebags, and yes, most were turned down from ND/GT and ended up there. Don’t let one bad apple ruin the cart.
Anyways, as long as that guy stays on his side of the Housatonic river I think I’ll be fine. Why? $5 says this guy gets onto I-290 the wrong direction some night and while drunk and hits a mini-van full of kids head-on at some point in the next decade. I wouldn’t want him anywhere near me or mine.
/thankfully lives more than 20 minutes down the road from Worcester
April 11th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
I never did understand why HC students and alumni get so heated when defending their school. Look it’s a pretty good school, certainly better than many, but it is not an elite institution. Every time one of you guys fly off the handle when you feel someone has denigrated the school, you make this emailer seem more and more like the norm rather than the exception. Chill out and have fun at this fucktard’s expense.
April 11th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
Who the hell thinks twisted tea and 100 cigs are bad ass? Why not go tanning and wear male thongs too?
April 12th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
Well, nothing much to say that hasn’t been said already, but I’m still trying to figure out exactly why would someone brag about drinking Twisted FACKIN Tea? Doesn’t he know that true fuckin’ ROCK STAHS drink Comsopolitans and Appletinis, and then when you really feel like loosening the tie, maybe a kamikaze and washington apple shot. His choice in girly drinks appalls me.
PS…the twisted tea and hard lemonade are for the chicks at the party who don’t like beer…so you get them that stuff because you got to get them drunk off something, and if they ain’t drinking beer, your ass better have something they will drink. HOW IS ANYONE GONNA GET CHICKS DRUNK ENOUGH TO SAY YES WHEN THIS DOUCHE IS DRINKING ALL THE TWISTED TEA!!!
COCK BLOCKER
April 13th, 2009 at 12:17 am
Wow you weren’t kidding- that really was the single most douchetastic email I’ve ever read! As a alumni of Holy Cross, I can certainly verify that d-bags like this existed on campus, but I hate seeing peoples perception of the school ruined because of one assholes email. For every prick like this on campus, there were 10 genuinely nice, down-to-earth students there who didn’t drink Twisted Tea. I had an amazing time at Holy Cross, in large part because I didn’t have to deal with people like this guy. He totally deserves to get torn apart here and I’m not going to be one of those guys trying to argue that Holy Cross is an elite institution, but I do need to defend the class itself and say that this douche really isn’t an accurate reflection of the student body.
April 13th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Does anyone know what this guy’s name is? While he certainly outed himself as an unbearable flame his punishment should go beyond this website.
April 13th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
@S.Tan – Dude where did you get the hair across your ass? <—- You see that last symbol, that is a question mark. I guess they didn’t teach you that in you English as a 2nd language class. In my comment I wrote “Did he really admit to date raping, or at least imply it?” with a question mark. Since the guy says…
“Had some regrettable run-ins with the opposite sex, guilty”
“…and blatant disregard for everything that society deems ‘Normal’.”
“Sure there are some girls out there who may say they regret meeting me, I definately do not doubt that for a second.”
All of which I do not see as admitting any crime. I was questioning the author of the blog for tagging it as “Date Rapists” I was questioning it.
You say “please explain. or is boston really just that lame? i went to college in upstate ny and unfortunately all your Massholes saying he’s only representing a small minority of the boston mindset are LIARS!”
1. I explain and you misunderstood.
2. What does Boston have to do with it? I don’t live there.
3. Congratulation on your superior Upper NY State education.
4. Massholes, is that “Massachusetts Assholes”?
5. You believe he is being separated from everyone else but should not? Where does this hostility towards an entire state come from?
Oh and Fuck you!
April 13th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
I partied so hard it took my eight years to complete my degree in a three year program.
April 13th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
that is the funniest/douchbag email i have ever seen…
Holy Cross is not even that big of a party school, so this guy is just stuck in his one bedroom apartment hating life living vicariously through the the kids actually making grades
May 2nd, 2009 at 8:37 pm
no one lives in a 1 bedroom apt at hc touchdown pants. you probably poop yourself. poop is cool
May 27th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
Hey asshole!! Nice mullet!! I didn’t know you had internet access at Mickey D’s.
May 27th, 2009 at 10:14 pm
BTW: Mullet-boy maybe one day you’ll grow a dick n be a man… Then again not likely. Ten years from now you’ll still be sittin’ in some college town bar, drinkin “Twisted Tea” (You’re such a pussy) and tryin to pick up college freshmen.