The KSK Haterometer: Mel Kiper Jr.
04.21.09
We at KSK pride ourselves on being experts on all things hateful. There isn’t a feeling of anger, malice, or burning ire that we haven’t experienced and then cataloged for future use. It’s our job at this site to keep your hate fresh and nubile. To that end, I’d like to introduce the KSK Haterometer, in which we debate with ourselves who in the world of football is worth our unbridled scorn, and who is not, and let YOU make the final decision as to who is hateworthy. Play along with us now, as we consider the case for and the case against hating this week’s subject: Mel Kiper Jr.
The Case Against Hating Mel Kiper Jr.
I personally enjoy Mel Kiper Jr.’s work. If it were up to me, ESPN’s coverage of the draft would consist of nothing but Mike Tirico as host and Kiper as sole analyst. I don’t need any of the other 37 assholes ESPN has wandering around the set. I don’t need Merril Hoge breaking down tape in a horrible suit and then making some retarded pronouncement. I don’t need Stuart Scott verbally tonguing the assholes of every draftee he comes into contact with. I don’t need a fucking roundtable of current players. I don’t need any of that shit.
Mel Kiper works his entire year for this one day. Let him fucking have it to himself. I don’t think there’s any danger of Mel running out of shit to say. You bring up some third string running back from Carson Newman and Mel can go on and on about him for seventeen minutes. “Jamal Woolsley. Good kid. He’s a banger, Mike. Likes contact. Not afraid of contact. Benched over 400 pounds in Indianapolis. Not a breakaway threat like a Knowshon Moreno. He’s probably gonna start out on special teams. But I think he could be a decent change of pace back for a team that needs shoring up at that position. He could backup A FRANK GORE, or A STEVE SLATON. Still needs to work on catching the ball out of the backfield, though. Also a bad sport when playing Monopoly. You like to see that kinda fire in a kid. But I expect more poise from the young man when he lands on my Pennsylvania Avenue and I CLEAN OUT HIS SHIT.”
Does Mel really know all this shit about every player? Probably not. But he sure sounds like he does, and that’s good enough for me. What I like about Kiper is how much he really, truly cares about the draft. He’s genuinely passionate, and more interested in the draft itself that how he looks while presenting the draft, which I think sets him apart from every other dipshit on the set. He’s firm in his opinions without being insufferable about it. He has a sense of humor about himself, even when some dicksmack is joking about his hair for the 7,000th time (Hey, it looks like a helmet! Mel’s never heard that before!).
I’m all right with Mel Kiper Jr.
The Case For Hating Mel Kiper Jr.
Fuck Mel Kiper Jr. FUCK THAT BALTIMORE ASSHOLE RIGHT IN THE FUCKING EYE. Every year I gotta see that fucking graphic. “Mel’s Best Available”? The fuck do you know, prick? YOU’RE MAKING IT UP AS YOU GO ALONG.
Hey Mel, I got a good prospect for you: my hairy balls slapping you in your big stupid face. Eat shit, cumgargler.
Now it’s your turn. Rate your hate for Mel on a scale of 0 (no hate) to 10 (rape hate). As Leitch might say, do you like the Kiper? Do you not like the Kiper?
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Late to the party, but I vote a 5. I think I hate Kiper a lot more in theory than in real life. He’s like a sports weatherman though… he gives you his best guess based on the information he has, but he has no need to actually be correct. Cushy job if you ask me.
I also prefer McShay, but I think I’m mainly just glad there’s somebody else there with Kiper who is well informed and can offer counterpoints to his points.
Kiper gets a 1.5 on the hateometer. Slightly pompous but knows his shit.
Now Kiper’s hair on the other hand gets a ten. I’d do terrible terrible things to that shelmet.
7, and I’m only basing this on him being in the Madden games. No matter who I draft, he gives me a bad grade, even when I was playing as Oakland and drafted arguably the second coming of LaToeinjury, he complained about it! Jeremiah fucking Jackson went for 2200 yards his rookie year and he complained! What a fuck.
A 10. Goddammit, man, I look up to him and respect him and yes, I argue with him. But only because I want him to respect me. And yet he treats me like the shit on the bottom of his shoe. I try, man, I try. But I am given nothing but scorn and second-fiddle status.
He will regret not welcoming me. He will go down in flames, and then I will be in the seat next to Berman and those other giggling ninnies. And Mel will have to be in the weird other room with like Scott Van Pelt or something, and they’ll only cut to him once every two hours. Because Todd McShay’s day is coming.
4. Lack of self awareness kills him on the meter, but he does fill a purpose that little can compare to. Still, if I have to hear him on the radio talk about crab cakes one more fucking time, i’ll blow my brains out. Fuck it. the asshole gets a 7.
Draft Day is Christmas, the Super Bowl, and 9/11 all rolled into one for Mel Kiper, Jr.
:sniff:…FJM….
Kiper knows not just about the top 32 kids that get drafted, but he has info on every player in the draft pool. So he actually fills an actual role in the draft weekend broadcast. More than what Berman does.
It would be nice for him to admit where he got things wrong though.
4.
The man was responsible for my all-time favorite ESPN moment, Bill Tobin’s tirade after Kiper criticized the Trev Alberts pick(which Kiper actually got right) and the look on Kiper’s face during/after the rant. How can I hate him for that? Besides he is now much less annoying than he was in the early days and for the most part the man knows his shit, regardless if he gets the draft order correct.
Early days: 8
Current: 2
Bill Tobin moment: 0
Guy does amazing research and can handle Berman which are both a big plus. What he does do is remind us that we are developing our teams for next year and we have an island of football in the vast wasteland of the off season. Big plus.
But he looks exactly like my old Advanced COBOL professor so fuck him in the ass.
4
I’ll give him a 4. Downgraded once for not being Todd McShay, and a second time for hating Todd McShay.
Hate: 2
He’s got an irritating accent, and yeah, it’s a bit much. But he’s definitely better than Berman, McShay and those other fucks so he gets points for taking up airtime that they might otherwise get.
Likes – excellent bouffant hairdo / Kiper is a good topping for smoked salmon.
Dislikes – everything else. Smug. Looks like he abuses black prostitutes.
Overall Score: 5 but has upside in the right system.
my hate for mel kiper has been displayed right here. thanks mel, you fuck
http://drivewaysitups.com/?p=528
I give Kiper an 8. The hair, the douchiness and the fact that he babbles about what he thinks he knows. What’s keeping me from a 10 is how ridiculously funny his ramblings are. Ditto the bitching at Todd McShay.
I like the ESPN football helmet. II wonder if other cable stations have football teams?
I had grown tired of Mel in recent years, but the Todd McShay enmity factor has sparked a resurgence. It’s kind of like a heel turn in wrestling, where a persona gets stale over the years, and then bam: The right side of the split screen is suddenly empty and a moment later Kiper is strangling McShay with the cord to a vintage Houston Oilers helmet phone, with a radiating maniacal gaze as he chokes out “Todd McShay needs to develop escapability. Todd McShay needs to develop escapability. Todd McShay needs to develop escapability…….”
1
He’s just a little bit of a pompous ass, but at least he can take a shot and actually does know what he’s talking about.
But yeah, Baltimore. Gross.
He looks like he could be Billy Donovan’s father.
He sucks, but I can’t say I hate him. If he was as good at what he does as ESPN would have us believe, he’d have a front office job. Anyone willing o watch shit tons of tape and yell at Todd McShay could do as good or better than Kiper.
Having hate for Kiper is just a byproduct of his being on ESPN (and what it has inevitably done to his personality over the years — nobody spends that much time with Berman or being the target of jokes about their anatomy without being scarred in some way). If he was doing his shtick as kiperskorner.uproxx.com, the commenters here would treat him like the second coming of the Oracle at Delphi.
Hate Scale: 0
he gets a 4 but only becuz he works for espn
It’s easy to fall into the pattern of hating someone just because they’re on TV or work for ESPN. But Kiper really knows his stuff…his draft order is contrived, but so is that of the Patriots GM. I don’t have any reason to suspect he fabricates facts, and I agree that he really seems to love his job. Big fat ZERO.
3
2
I have to give Kiper positive points for being a talking head on ESPN and NOT having a catch phrase or shtick. Whether he’s right or wrong, he’s still professional. Also, his suits come only in black, grey, brown or navy and the jackets have a strict maximum of two buttons.
Less then zero. I love Mel Kiper. Not so much Mel Kiper, but I love knowing that if there’s at least one person who is not only paid handsomely to talk about football, but only has to work about 3 months a year, and is not held accountable in any way for his predictions being wildly off base. Best job EVER.
0 — leave the man be.
At least a 7. His esoteric and narrow pronouncements about players filling a niche behind another starter is just goddawful.
I had no idea who the fuck he was until I read this. But the fact that he works for ESPN is good enough for a 5 from me.
he is an 8. only reason is because we have to hear his opinion for 2 months up until the draft. all day every day. he maybe should have a weekly report, but rather. he gets to get on ESPN and yell his at Todd McShay about a differing opinion. i just wish i could see him in a political debate.
For the peeps that hate on Mel for being “wrong”, the last I checked, the draft is far from an exact science. Some teams don’t even know who they are going to take until they are on the clock (‘sup Minny) so how can Mel possibly know minutes, weeks or even months in advance?
As someone else stated, these guys are there to pass the time between picks and inform us about players still on the board. They are basically nothing more than entertainers that are paid to keep us involved in the process, give us something to argue about and keep us posting on sites like this one.
If you expectations are anything more than that, then maybe you’re the one with the problem.
I see my Birds taking Moreno, Pettigrew or someone else @ #21. Or they might trade down or trade the pick to AZ for Boldin. I’m pretty sure about that.
+1 to CobraCommander for stroking my ego. I don’t care if you’re being portrayed by Joseph Gordon-Levitt this summer. You’re good people.
i kind of hate mel, just like i hate almost everyone on espn. mcshay is clearly better in almost every way. still mel’s love of cocaine can’t allow me to give him more than a 5.
Hate Hate Hate
“Kiper has got to be the most fucktacular stupid indivual since cro- magnon.
We are talking rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid, so stupid it goes way beyond the stupid
we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. It is trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. He emits more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some
primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid.
Sheep wouldnt have sex with him. I know this for fact ( for legal reasons I acan’t state the actual story) ”
A excerpt from Todd Mcshay’s new ghost written book entitled “Kiper Defines Stupid”
I will hereby copy and paste everything Westbrook Is My Anti-Drug Said:
“9
He’s smug and arrogant and often wrong. He gets paid to be wrong. Basically, he’s a glorified weatherman.”
Nobody has ever been more right in the history of time, ever. Fuck Kiper.
9, but we hate everything. Moreover, we hate all people who like the draft more than actual football. I like real sports, not trying to be the best figuring out what people are gonna do.
That was a fantastic Kiper impression, by the way, but I actually agree with the case FOR Kiper. If he was the only one on the draft special, I would not be led to dick piercing my own eyes out.
Mock drafts are so irrelevant. After maybe the top 8 picks or so, teams trade up and down to negotiate around signing this fresh pieces of cattle to big money contracts. Mel is good for a few fiery pieces how this asshole GM just reached for this middle level safety and he should have selected this other jabroney instead. Any monkey can do his job.
Thumbs down
Kiper is all right in my book but I will still give him a 5 solely based on the Minority Report commercial he had running on ESPN right now and the hair.
2
I personally like Kiper, he at least talks like he knows his shit…
Mel looks like the Baltimore version of Silvio from the Sopranos and he’s pretty unberable, but he’s not in my pre-haterometer-draft top prospects from ESPN. Wait, TK got traded to ABC? THIS MESSES UP MY GOD DANG TOP TEN.
“A 10, A F*CKING 10!”
If you gave Erin Andrews hair like Mel and an eye like Stu, I would still bang her and tell my friends about it.
I nominate Stu Scott for the next edition. I want to punch doe-eyed, homeless, blind, scabe-infested orphans when I see him.
Gotta go with a 1. If ESPN got rid of Kiper, we’d have nothing but Todd McShay. Or as I like to call it, a cancelled cable subscription.
9
He’s smug and arrogant and often wrong. He gets paid to be wrong. Basically, he’s a glorified weatherman.
Zero hate for the original draftnik. i agree with what most have said, he does his homework, knows his players, hates on todd mcshay andgenuinely loves what he’s being paid to do. it will be a sad sad day when he’s off the draft coverage and we get mcshay and jeremy green instead.
0
Kiper 5ish
McShay 11
if kiper and mcshay fight to the death on national TV, all the better
Only if the winner gets to take a blowtorch to Tony Kornheiser’s balls.
I’ll give Kiper a 3 for the accent and the hair, but mainly because he hasn’t found a way to kill Berman and take over the anchor’s seat while they are on the air. If he did that, then zero all the way. He is good at what he does and is analyzing college football players AS HIS JOB. I’d take that gig and working with the brain dead zombies at the WWL just so I could yell at the camera for an entire weekend.
For pure, unadulterated hate, I have a new target: Charlie Casserly. What a pompous ass. He gets a 35. Mel gets a 1 in my book.
I have no hate for Kiper, but my baseline level of hate for everything won’t let me go lower than 3.
i give mel a 2; he is a bit of a douche, but he knows his shit and is a lot more entertaining than most of the other douches espn has. i agree with BDD; less is more ESPN. give me tirico and then kiper and mcshay and that’s it. and if kiper and mcshay fight to the death on national TV, all the better.
Somewhere between a 3 and a 4. Let’s just go with π and be done with it.
oh boy hammerin hank would be a great one on the haterometer. he’s the real life fucking mush. he even looks like mush
0.
Love the guy.
3 A little insufferable at times. But, really, there’s no one better at ESPN. He’s got a researched opinion. Far from always right but at least you get the impression he’s done his own homework and really cares about the draft.
My candidates for Haterometer consideration:
Chris Berman
Hammerin’ Hank
I stopped respecting Kiper as much when I realized I’ve beaten him in the Top 100 the last three years. I mean, come on…
Todd McShay, however, kicks my ass every time. He is my new Draft God.
PS – Todd McShay is a worthless hack.
i’m going to have to admit that i actually enjoy kiper. i’ll go with a 0, 1 tops (depending on how much he looks like a hawk on any given day).
I give credit to the guy for not having to read from a teleprompter to tell us about the players like the rest of the talking heads. At least he immerses himself in his work and it shows.
Mel’s like that family member that comes over once a year for Thanksgiving dinner. He’s rude, obnoxious and irritating but because he only shows up once a year it makes his antics bearable and somewhat entertaining.
I’ll say 2. He’s a douchebag who thinks he knows what he’s talking about, but he also gives hope to the rest of us duochebags who think we know whan we’re talking about that we can get a well-paying job where we spend all year ranking players and nobody points out how fucking retarded that is.
The guy took something that 95% of us do for free – bullshitting about 21-year-olds that we don’t know – and turned it into a career. All the other dicksmacks out there now are just following in his footsteps.
Too much respect for serious hate = 4.
1-2… down from a solid 6 during the early 90′s… pomposity factor waaaaay down over the past 15 years
Now that he does some non-draft radio on the weekends, he’s actually near the top of ESPN talent versus just being another harpy in his 1 minute spots… Overall, a whole lot better than most of the former players, or worse, the pretty boy anchor wanna-be commediennes….
Kiper totally nailed Trent Dilfer, HoFer.
I wish he didn’t pretend as if his draft grades were delivered on stone tables from Mt. Sinai, but he has in-depth knowledge about every player in the draft, it’s hysterical when he fights with McShay and he’s managed to sit next to Berman for 20 hours over the course of a weekend for several years without committing murder or raping a toddler. I’ll give him a 6. Four for him, two for ESPN.
You guys aren’t doing your homework. Stuart Scott isn’t working the draft this year.
Erin Andrews will be the one tonguing the assholes of every draftee she comes into contact with.
I can’t wait for her to interview Mark Sanchez….mmmm…swarthy Latino hair…
god dammit AKAggie — I swore I would never do this in a non-ironic fashion, but …. LOL
What number would be “Rape Like”? 3?
One. Mainly because the alternative, in terms of draft “experts” is Todd McShay.
@UM True, if the Lions take Eyeshield 21 from the University of Planet Unicorn chances are they’ll venture into Mel’s C- territory.
Zero. Informative and entertaining. Doesn’t kiss ass. Generally, the antithesis of everything that ESPN has become.
Thank God for Tirico and Kiper.
1
At least the guy actually conducts fucking research and has actual analysis, as opposed to all the other fucks at ESPN who are just loudmouths with microphones. And he’s enthusiastic without being a pompous asshole. Another plus.
My one caveat is that he sells his predictions a little better than they actually turn out.
I’m confused about the scale. I think Kiper is as insightful as any of the talking heads about the draft (with the possible exception of Mayock). A little smarmy, maybe, but not so bad. I’d say a 2.
I’d definitely rape him, though.
A definite 0, Kiper hasn’t done anything to deserve this much hate, the man is good at what he does.
Lil Lebowski, as the FJM link above illustrates, Kiper would never give out an A+ or an F (Or a D or an A- for that matter).
Gathers information, but HAS NO IDEA how to use it! No eye for talent!
Hate: 14 (skull f*ck)