When we last left NFL “reporter” and hotel suggestion box rapist Peter King, he had successfully persuaded the Marriott Laguna Cliffs to force some poor worker to get up at 5AM in the morning to make sure free coffee was available in the lobby. Score one for the little guy! He also revealed that his kid drives like a maniac, introduced us to his good friends the Normans (you remember Bob and Patty, don’t you?), and stunned us with news that Los Angeles has nice weather and abundant traffic. What new peaks of lofty douchebaggery shall our man scale this week? Well, to tell you the truth…

This week’s MMQB installment was shockingly bereft of dipshit personal gripes and retarded observations. Oh sure, there was the…

Aggravating/Enjoyable Travel Note of the Week

…which is always a delight.

Stayed close to home this week.

“Did you realize there’s no free coffee available in my home before 6AM? Ann King, time to step up.”

But I’m finding something interesting about city life.

So many cars!

(For those who don’t know, my wife and I moved to Boston a month ago, and we’re still settling in. Enjoying it a lot so far.)

Good to know.

From last Monday morning to Sunday night , I drove my car once, two miles to the Home Depot.

Home Depot: Official Superstore Of The Erstwhile Condo Baron.

That’s it.

Get out!

I wonder if I need a car. I suppose I’ll need one as time goes on, but I miss nothing about driving. Walking is good.

Indeed. And there’s your important life lesson from Peter King this week: it’s good to walk. Peter King has had just enough of being a car-bound, mouth-breathing voluntary invalid. He saw Wall*E, so he knows just what kind of future awaits us all should we decide to shun bipedal automotion.

But again, this week’s column left me a bit wanting in the inanity department. Except for one sterling exception. As you know, famed Sports Illustrated writer Paul Zimmerman suffered three devastating strokes last November. We’ve had our fun with Dr. Z here from time to time, but I certainly wish him and his family nothing but the best. Peter King, of course, has gone above and beyond the call of duty in trying to help raise money for Dr. Z’s recovery at specialized clinics that aren’t covered by insurance. And how is he going about it? CELEBRITY AUCTION ITEMS! EACH ONE MORE ASTONISHING THAN THE LAST! I’ll let King fill you in…

On each of the six Mondays leading up to the event, I’m going to highlight an auction item or two to whet your appetite for the event.

Ooooh! Aaaaah!

Let me start with these two:

The Cowboy Trip of a Lifetime.

I assume that’s the trip where you get to bang the shit of Susan Skaggs on a plane, and then stab Everett McIver in the fucking neck with a pair of scissors. NYEEEEEEHAWWWWWW YOU ARE FUCKING ON VACATION!

Airfare and two nights’ lodging, from anywhere in the United States to Dallas for a Cowboys game this season at the new Cowboys Stadium in Arlington.

Is that ALL?

But that’s not all.

WOOHOO!

The winner and guest will get to stop by the Cowboys’ Saturday walkthrough practice at Valley Ranch, the club’s training headquarters, meet a player, and get a tour of the training facility. They’ll also get an onfield pre-game pass at the football game, with the chance to meet Cowboys owner Jerry Jones…

“Hey! Are you the faggot that venti-assed dipshit Peter King sent me? WELL, KEEP YOUR FUCKING CAMERA IN YOUR FANNY PACK AND DON’T GO OPENING YOUR FLABTRAP WHILE MY BOY ROMO IS OUT ON THAT FUCKING FIELD, COCKSUCKER! AND HANDS OFF MY POP SECRET!”

Minimum bid: $10,000.

$10,000?! HOLY JESUS! I like Dr. Z, but not that fucking much, man. After all, he did have a really good life and what not. For $10,000, you could probably get corrective operations for 25 African kids with cleft palate. No offense, but that’s way better bang for your ego-stroking charity buck, kids. TAKE IT FROM SOMEONE WHO DONATES GENEROUSLY TO FISHER HOUSE AND IS A REAL MAN FOR HAVING DONE SO.

What other auction items we got, King?

Lunch in the Boston area with me and Patriots linebacker Tedy Bruschi.

Holy fuck, that would be agony. “Waiter, please tell the chef this is coffee-flavored water, and not real coffee. Also, I’d like to buy lunch for those people over there (gestures wildly to entire restaurant). Make sure you didn’t pick up Schlereth’s tab! CAPITAL GRILLE, GREAT JOB ON YOUR COMP SERVICING. Tedy, tell them about the time we went to Pizzeria Mozza. Don’t bother trying to get a table kid. Only Elite Flyers can eat there. BUT WOW, THAT IS SOME KINDA CRUST.”

Lunch for you and a guest to meet the heroic Bruschi, one of the most famous stroke victims in sports history.

We’ll see about that. Let me just check my favorite book, “The 100 Most Famous Stroke Victims In Sports History”. I’m not going to dinner with some goddamn D-list stroke victim.

You’ll love conversing with him on what it took to overcome this malady.

True that. Who doesn’t love hearing people talk about their illnesses? “I had this really nice nurse: Conchita. Latin woman. Changed my gauze at least six times a day. Which is nice, because you know that gauze can get awfully gamey.”

Minimum bid: $3,000.

Jesus, $3,000? Do I look like I’m made of money, King? Not all of us get to eat nutmeg-flavored lasagna every night. How about YOU pitch in, you Kit Kat-hoarding bastard?

So those are but two of astonishingly expensive items you can purchase at Peter King’s charity auction for Dr. Z. What other items will you be able to bid on? Well, I have a few ideas.

Lunch with Toone P. Wiggins! Minimum bid: $75,000.

Driving Lesson with Laura “The Intimidator” King! Minimum bid: $83,000.

Round of pool with Peter at Jillian’s! Minimum bid: $400,000.

Trip To Nashville With Peter! Discover the fascinating aspects of slave bedding. Minimum bid: $752,000.

Late Night Trees And Talk In Montclair! Minimum bid: $856,780

One Package Of Concrete Cyanide! Caution: it’s explosive AND load-bearing! Minimum bid: $912,000

One Hour Semi-Argument With Matt Millen! You’ll be discussing whether or not skyscrapers can be made entirely of wet cardboard. Minimum bid: $1,234,987

Access To Peter’s Voice Mail Archive! Hear about the one time Brett Favre said he’d meet him at Panera! Minimum bid: $3,560,921

Tuition For First Grade Draftology 101! Minimum bid: 4,509,876 euros

Personal Coldplay Concert! Biidding only allowed if you have other priceless items to barter

Stroll Through Meadow With Brett Favre! Already sold to King for an undisclosed sum.

So you see, it’s an embarrassment of riches here. Surely, you can cough up a few grand to help Dr. Z make a very, very, very small amount of visible progress. Let’s finish the column.

I think you’ve got to know when you’ve got the upper hand with a team, and you’ve got to know when you’ve got to give in.

You got to know when to hold ‘em… WHEN TO HOLD ‘EM!

Just caught up on the last two episodes of “The Office.” Brilliant change of direction. Fantastic.

But why aren’t more characters drinking coffee?

Let’s hear some more arguments now, after three more senseless multiple murders with guns, about how we don’t have a gun problem in this country.

I’ll tell you why this is happening, because we don’t pay cops enough.

My brother went to North Carolina…

BIFF SAYS: “Good school. Great school. My brother is a twatgoblet.”

…and I like what the Heels stand for, generally.

The fuck does that mean? They’re a basketball team. They don’t stand for anything. They aren’t running for fucking office.

I have no interest whatsoever in Michigan State. But I don’t know how, unless you’re an alum or Roy Williams’ mother, you can be cheering against the lads from Michigan tonight. The state needs it, the region needs it, a dying industry needs it.

They need it bad! You’re gonna hear a lot today about how an MSU win would be so good for the people of Michigan. There isn’t an emptier, lamer fucking premise on earth. Wow, MSU won the national title! And guess what, your job is still in Korea! Forever! And your home is worth nothing! PROBLEM SOLVED! YOU CAN AFFORD THAT LUNCH WITH TEDY BRUSCHI NOW!