Shemale Jets Fans, Belle Ragazze and Ampersands: Your Extra Long KSK Sex and Football Mailbag
Welcome louche libertines to the latest installment of the mailbag for the anally adventurous and the roving of eye. This week, we entertain a few more questions than normal because brevity be damned. Sometime the load must be blown. The usual spate of anal curious male has given way to one dealing with rectally trepidatious gent. I feel your pain, Amanda. Be sure to send your address (or, you know, same goes to people with questions for future editions) here.
Let’s get it on.
Dear KSK,
Sex: More of a relationship question. This girl I’ve been going with for 8 months had a kid 10 years ago that lives with her ex. She tries to stay close to the kid and hence that means seeing the ex — who she dated for four years a while back — every time she sees the kid, goes to see his soccer games, etc. For the majority of our relationship, I thought it was just an incidental relationship with him. I’ve come to realize in the last few weeks that they have a much more “personal” relationship. I don’t think they’re having sex, she’s clearly in love with me, but it makes me nervous for obvious reasons that she has another guy she can share things with.
Recently, she wanted to attend a baseball game and asked me if she could bring him along (I’m out of town). I asked her how she would feel if I brought my ex with me to the game, and she admitted she wouldn’t like it but still argued that she’s just friends with him. I told her no and not to do things that she wouldn’t want me to do. She sounded a little pouty but agreed not to take him. The problem is, she decided not to go at all even though it’s a group outing because she didn’t want to go there alone (basically, she wanted to go with him, I think).
Sorry for the length of this question, but my question is, what kind of line do you draw here when it comes to an ex that she’s been friends with for a long time and with whom she’s had a child? To me, it should be strictly professional if you have to see him due to a kid. You can’t have your cake and eat it too if you’re going to get into a relationship with someone else. Hanging out with him or even having personal phone conversations where you share things doesn’t seem like what you should be doing when in a serious relationship. You agree, or am I being unrealistic? I’ve never dealt with a situation like this before.
I understand your anxiety, but she obviously has a different situation with this ex than you have with yours. It seems like she’s being very upfront with you about what’s doing. For the sake of this kid, they want to keep something of a decent relationship going. I think you can be a little less unyielding in this regard.
Football question: Does Buffalo automatically make Terrell Owens fantasy poison, similar to Randy Moss in Oakland?
Steve
See, I wouldn’t have said so up until the Jason Peters trade. Signing Terrell Owens for a year has all the makings of a last-ditch effort to make a playoff run. So what did the Bills do a few weeks later? Trade their starting left tackle to Philly for draft picks. Makes no sense. Therefore, I’m inclined to believe it’ll be a disaster. At least, even more of one than it was already destined to be.
Dear sir or madam:
My rather mundane request is for any good ways to ask this chick to prom. She’s Italian (as in foreign) and I’m looking for some ins with the mafia.
Try this: “Ragazza, ti prego, vieni con me alla prom”
/puts years of pointless Italian instruction to use.
Either that or gel the fuck out of your hair and wear tight-ass jeans. Those Eyetie women seem to go nuts for that.
Dear Gayest of all Mafias,
As Jesus once said, football first. I am the commissioner of a ten team league, consisting of close friends and family members. My cousin Lee (he reads this site) has not paid the $100 in two years. I was not aware of this until two weeks ago. Before everyone calls me a shitty commissioner, which I am, he is married and does not come to the end of the year drink fest, his brother has won the last two years, and he always said he would get Lee to pay him. I find out last week and am upset. Isn’t this clear grounds for kicking him out of the league, despite him being family?
Ab-so-fucking-lutely. Fantasy sports are one of the treasured forums in life where you can completely fuck over family relatively free of consequence.
Sex: I have liked this girl for many years, but before I knew what happened I was in the “friend zone.” I usually had a steady string of girlfriends I liked and after a while I stopped thinking of her “that way.” But, recently I was dumped by my girlfriend of two years when she rejected my marriage proposal. My female friend also just got dumped. Hard. While I know I will never be with her in a relationship, I most certainly can fuck her right now. No matter how good the sex is, will this be torture for me after?
Yes to One No to Two,
Kyle
You’re both decisively on the rebound, so the opportunity is likely there. Without context, I’m not sure why you believe a relationship with friend girl is out of the question, but you’d have to weigh how valuable a friend she is before deciding to move in for a hook up. Because her potentially shooting you down could have the same effect or be a huge ego slam to boost.
Dear exalted sex-experts,
12 years ago a friend of mine started dating his current wife. Right from the start I’ve always found her to be ball-achingly hot. About a year into their thing, he banged this local slut his (then) girlfriend just despised, so to retaliate she revenge-fucked me. Yeah, it was a shitty thing to do but at the time I was pretty much sexless & not in any position to rebuff the advances of any ball-achingly hot women regardless of who they were.
The revenge fuck was awesome & we ended up fucking each other senseless for pretty much the entire summer. Not only was she hot as all fuck but that polite, quiet & sweet girl was an absolute animal in the sack, just a totally pornographic little pervert. The whole thing was clandestine & on the QT but it got to a point where we were talking about running away together & all that shit.
Not that you’re not bragging about it or anything.
But the summer ended & cooler heads prevailed, she got back together with my friend & they ended up settling down together. At the time I was a deviant criminal-minded narcotics salesman while he was attending business school blah blah blah so I can’t really blame her & I never did. We all remained friends & she & I just kept it to ourselves. I see them all the time & it’s all been cool. We’ve flirted here & there but otherwise I just assumed it was dead & buried a long time ago.
A year ago I got her a job with my company. After a round of layoffs I am now pretty much her direct supervisor & I interact with her every day. There’s been a lot of downtime there lately, which has led to the two of us taking extra long lunches together. This had led to us both ending up with pretty decent buzzes, which has led to long intimate conversations where we confide about our respective relationships with each other. Which has led us to our present position, which is being right on the verge of ditching work, checking into the Hyatt across the street from our office & fucking each other until they order us a pair of ambulances.
To reiterate: I know what I could be into getting here. This woman is a very solid 9, very cute with a top-notch killer body. Plus she’s a depraved slut in bed. She’s totally cool as far as keeping it quiet goes, no worries there & we work together so finding the time is no problem either. No one knows about our history & no one (as far as I know) suspects that we secretly want to bang each other silly (although my GF doesn’t especially like her working with me & our coworkers have begun to notice our lengthy lunches together).
The downsides are: a) cheating on my GF which I would admittedly feel very guilty about, b) screwing over my buddy by nailing his luscious wife while he thinks we’re reviewing purchase orders together and c) going through with it & suddenly getting in way too deep with her which I am not sure I would really want. As far as screwing & getting high/drunk/whatever goes, she’s my dream woman, but i don’t know if Id really want to LIVE with her or anything. Plus her husband runs my fantasy league which means if he finds out I’m applying baby oil to his wife’s perfect upturned ass, I’m probably out.
I know a good & honorable man wouldn’t even be considering this. I’m violating lots of various moral codes here, both written & otherwise. But the little devil guy on my shoulder is reminding me that the likelihood of me ever hooking up with a woman of this caliber again is, uh…not high. It’s a free lunch with almost no risk. Is it worth the gamble?
Sincerely,
Satan’s Hand Puppet, NJ
You know, I see the fucking deluge of ampersands in your letter and I immediately think of the capuchin monkey from Y: The Last Man.
And yet I’m the one writing the sex advice column. Veddy bemusing.
Anynerd, you also forgot D) SHE WORKS WITH YOU! Therefore you stand to royally fuck up personal, social AND professional life for a woman you admittedly don’t have long-term prospects with. My recommendation is to revert her to the spank bank and maintain a semblance of order in your life.
That is, unless you want to get back into the drug-pushing game, in which case be a dear and sell me some weed. All my connects dried up.
I have a few close friends who are complete lesbian lovers and this is how it works: there are two schools…
there are the lesbians that consider it fucking when tongue meets vagina i.e. you can say you FUCKED a girl if you licked her pussy, you fucked each OTHER if you both licked each other’s pussies
the other school is that fucking happens when and only when the two pussies are mashed together in some sort of bubble gum and steak-um mess also known as scissoring.
That, my friend, is your answer.
I’ll let you know which one I see more Caps fans doing at the Verizon Center this weekend and report my findings.
Dear Rainbow Butt Monkeys,
Full disclosure, I’m Indian. But no arranged wife, not even Indian, she’s Irish and nowhere near subservient enough.
Nor sober
Sex Question: She’s four months pregnant and I’m worried about having sex now. Are there positions I should avoid? Maybe suggest anal? But then again I wonder if a baby can feel the psychic pain of a plowed rectum. What do you think?
Not unless she plans on shitting the kid out. If that’s the case, buy a Browns jersey now. Otherwise, you should be fine with the ol’ missionary in-and-out.
Football Question: So I’m from Boston. An Indian with a Boston accent (you want a fackin’ Slurpee?) So clearly I’m an awesome sports fan and did masturbate to the thought of Papelbon running the Wildcat. Do you think Patrick Chung will be subjected to hazing that includes doing the dry cleaning of the veterans and endless Happy Ending jokes? And will he get out of the huddle, run a circle around it and then get back in?
Thank you in advance (and come again)
Raghead
Nah. None of that. Though Belichick may make him his eunuch.
Hey Douches,
Football first: Did the Cowboys royally fuck up the draft, or did JJ actually make the right move by deferring to the later rounds in a talent thin suckfest?
It was a pretty weak draft at the high end. And I’ve heard reports that the players they were looking at in the 2nd were off the board right before their pick, so that made some sense. Considering how much they overpaid for Roy Williams, it couldn’t hurt to get a few more picks.
Sex: I’ve been fucking this girl who’s a veritable minx in the sack, she loves anal, gives toe-curling blowjobs, loves porn, great tits, nicely manicured snatch etc. My only problem is that our sexual escapades seem to revolve around cocaine. She loves doing blow (who doesn’t?) and every time we get together, she wants to do lines. I have a few problems with this, not the least of which is the cost of these evenings, and the fact that we’re typically up all night and I’m cored out and useless for a couple of days afterwards. What the fuck? Is this just the cost of doing business?
Fucking Elvira Hancock
Maj: “God gave us Xanax for a reason.”
How’s this for brevity, sir(s)?
Sex: I just started going out with a woman that I have been really close friends with for the past four years. What is the maximum number of dates we can go on, without engaging in any sort of physical contact, before I must accept the fact that I am stuck with a really good friend that just so happens to possess a vagina? The second date is this week.
Football: Should I be encouraged by the fact that the Eagles finally realized that their top priority should be to get McNabb some offensive help, or discouraged because it took them nearly a decade to figure that out?
Thank you for all the free entertainment you provide me with, each week – it really helps me get through the insanity that consumes my workday. Do you gentlemen have some sort of donation PayPal account available, which I am apparently too dumb to find? Or, at the very least, is there a P.O. Box set up so that I can send this token of my esteem to BDD:
P.S. I apologize if that last part veered off the brevity path.
Signed,
Reggie20×6
The Eagles got them another rookie receiver, running back and a Pro Bowl left tackle. All signs point to Donovan McNabb preseason career-ending injury.
Gayest of Mafia:
Sex first: I’ve been with the same girl for about a year and a half. We live with each other now and will probably end up getting married. Anyway, early on in our courtship, she expressed her desire to “give me” a threesome with her and another chick. I showed my excitement, but also tried to temper that a bit to make sure she didn’t think I wanted to be sharing her with another dude. I’m selfish that way.
ANYway, this was months ago now, and she hasn’t brought it up again. I’m not sure she’s forgotten, but I’m still not fucking two chicks, so something went awry. My question: how do I get her to make this fantasy a reality without expressly saying “Hey, how about you go get me some other hot chick to bang?”
Should have showed more initiative when she first posited the menage, but then I’m not adroit at avoiding female relationship traps.
Football: How do you think Moreno will fare in Denver?
Disappointed in Denver
Probably not as well as he would have faced if the Broncos didn’t have a quarterback opposing defenses could line eight in the box against.
Hello there,
My boyfriend reads your site regularly and, as a result, I have now become a fan. Accordingly, I have two questions:
1. I notice a lot of emphasis on anal sex in this column. Here is my issue: I love anal sex and want it all the time, however, my boyfriend has no desire to engage in this act. I’ve even gone as far as to climb on top of him and try to do it myself. At that point, he tells me to stop, I get pissed off and have no desire to do anything further. This gets better though – the other week, I went on his computer and saw him downloading shemale porn. What kind of a guy downloads shemale porn but doesn’t want to do what what in the butt? Of course, when I asked him about it, he told me he must have clicked on it accidentally. Accidentally? You accidentally downloaded a movie called Shemale Sex Party? Right. Anywho, what should I do? Should I dump this guy and find someone who will do it how I want? Should I just ram a dildo up my ass instead? Help!
Dumb the shemale lover and prepare to get stalked by 20,000 other guys who read this site. Or head on down Christmas Ape Way.
2. I think I may have just answered my own question, but, is there anyone in the free world who actually likes the New York Jets? Shemale Porn Lover (mentioned above) does…and I’m wondering if this is one more reason to cut my losses and find someone else.
Amanda
He’s saving himself for Johnny Damon Mark Sanchez.
Punter: “Seriously, the Jets have been a homo team since their inception. No one denies this.”
Dear Flip-Flop Fanatics,
Ok, first the football: Do you think the Giants’ receiving core, as currently constructed, can take enough pressure off of the running game to restore balance to the offense (you know, now that we don’t have what’s-his-name around anymore)?
No.
If so, do you see a return trip to the Super Bowl this year?
Nicks isn’t gonna solve shit in his rookie season, but it’s still entirely possible for the Giants to make it to Miami next February. The NFC looks to be fairly wide open in ‘09.
Now, sex: If this gonna be that kind of party, should I stick my dick in the mashed potatoes?
Warm Regards,
Moishe Alou
Only if you do it first.
Attention Chris Mortensens of Cock,
I wrote a very nice email last time, and was not featured. I’m assuming its because I ignored the instructions on brevity, so here is the short version:
Football: I want to wager on football games online, but don’t know what sites are legit. I have no access to bookie / casino.
Quitcher bitching.
Maj: “I’d just recommend Bodog. They’re easy to use, but they can be difficult if you try to withdraw large sums. So go with Bodog, but if you start winning make frequent withdraws in smaller amounts (a few hundred at a time).”
Also make sure to have multiple credit cards, as I was using my sole debit card and my banked blocked that shit from depositing in my Bodog account. Another reason we need to let banks fail and stuff all our money in a mattress.
Sex: I like to do facials on wife, but she refuses. What to do?
-AG
That’s a tough one, as it is pretty humiliating and most women would give anal a shot before facials. If it means that much to you, try on a whore. Or do it to the wife once and deal with a year without sex.
Dear Cum Dumpsters (and I mean that in the most endearing way possible),
I’m going to Carnegie Mellon for grad school next year. What’s the best way to tolerate Steelers fans in their native environment?
That’s really my only question.
Andy
Drew: “Jesus brutha, we can’t even tolerate Ape in his non-native environment.”
WE’RE FROM THE TOWN WITH THE GREAT FOOTBALL TEAM
BOM BOM BOM BOM
WE CHEER THE PICKSBURGH STILLERS
Have fun, buddy.
Also, my downfall last draft was drafting the same players as in my championship team the year before. Needless to say I came in last. Who is a good, solid, middle of the first round pick who I can lead off my revamped team with?
Hard to say to without knowing how many teams are in your league, but if Slaton falls to you, take him.
Dear Seamen of the great Lake: NFL knowledge,
Are we doing some Gilbert and Sullivan shit?
Football first: I’m some sort of sad hack who’s studying to become a journalist in Britain. I maintain a huge interest in the NFL and wanted to ask your opinions on the NFL draft for a project I’m doing. Basically who did the best? The worst (Raiders don’t count they didn’t draft, they simply chucked darts at a wall and took whichever name they hit)? Steals and reaches? Anything along those lines basically.
So many people base draft grades on the first two rounds, because it’s players they recognize. In reality, it’s a pointless venture and we won’t know for sure for years. That said, people seem to think the Giants, Bills and Patriots (stockpiling 2010 2nd rounders ftw!) had a good showing. Despite misgivings about character issues, shockingly enough I think the Bengals had a pretty decent draft as well.
Sex: I’ve been with a girl for the last 5 months and the subject of earning a brown belt has turned up. In fact we’ve even given it one go on a drunken night, but thing is, it was too painful for her. She’s a dirty little girl and wants to give it another go, but wants some way to “loosen things up” as it were. And no, not in the X-lax sense. Any suggestions on how to make it slightly less painful, more enjoyable for her?
Cheers,
Deuchars is the Best
Ever tried a giant bottle of lubbbeeee?
Connoisseurs of Cock,
I’ve been with the same girl through high school and college, over 8 years now. She and I live together, and she’s as good as it gets around the house. Laundry, dishes, dinner…she does it all. It’s like I’m living with Mrs. Cleaver. However, in the past few years, our sex life has gone from three or four times a week, to now once a week…MAYBE. Saturday mornings, right before we get outta bed, I get to have sex. Then for the remainder of the week, she pretends like her vagina is sealed shut. I’ve tried to initiate sexy-time during the week, but I get the regular responses (Headache, I’m tired, It’s a day that ends in Y) that result in cock-blockification. If she does happen to agree (rarely), she’ll just lay there, completely uninterested, and I feel like Ted Bundy fucking a corpse. She’s everything I want in a girl, but a guy can only rub it out in the bathroom so many times a week without hanging himself. How do I let her know that she needs to step her shit up without seeming like a dickhead? I’d like to marry this girl at some point, but not if it involved keeping my dick in a mason jar until the weekend.
Football: Is Peyton still a viable top tier QB, or is he falling by the wayside? Also, how does Donald Brown fit into the backfield with Joey Addai? Are either of them Top 20 material if sharing carries for a team that rarely runs the ball anyhow?
Completely Pathetic,
Bathroom Jack
Ufford: “Completely pathetic kinda says it all right there.”
Domestic work must rate highly for you if you’re willing to overlook constant blue balls for the sake of having clean kitchen tiles. That said, you’re not married to this girl yet, however much she wants to act like it, so there’s still time to threaten to leave if she doesn’t get her libido together. Because it’s only getting worse if you go ahead as planned.
Peyton won’t be entering the season injured this year (presumably, though one can hope) so I’d say he’s still among the top fantasy QBs, though possibly no longer a late first round fantasy draft pick. Even when Addai is healthy for a full year, he only gets about 250 carries. Brown may work out as a good counter, but Addai should still put up similar numbers, though I’d say he’s at the back half of the top 20 overall.
Sex: The girl I’m currently fucking around with is not very good looking. She’s chubby and usually dresses bummy (sweats and a t-shirt). I still like her a lot because she’s not insane, very low maintenance, unselfish, good sense of humor, and also a sports fan. I feel like a dick because I never bring her around my friends. She has brought it up jokingly a few times that I’m embarrassed to show her off, which I am. So, do I bring her around and fuck if my friends give me shit or do I just continue keeping her away from them?
So I’m assuming all your friends are banging super models. Fuck those twatwaffles if you like the girl.
Football: I need 6 keepers – regular fantasy league statistics and starters (+ 2 rb/wr/te spots) and I don’t drop or lose any picks no matter who I decide to keep. We have individual defenders (TK=1 pt, sack=3, ForFumble/RecFumble=4, Def TD=6).
Here are the guys I am considering keeping: McNabb, Tomlinson, McFadden, Thomas Jones, Sproles, Cooley, Greg Jennings, Jon Beason, Karlos Dansby. I’m also being offered Larry Johnson for the 11th overall pick, so that would mean I would only get to keep 5 of these – I don’t think it’s worth it.
It most certainly is not.
Also: How early would you draft Mark Sanchez in a keeper league (regular settings and statistics, 12 team league)?
- Lil’ Wayne Chrebet
No earlier than the seventh round, you shemale porn lover.
Tags: ksk fantasy sex advice mailbag, not into the whole brevity thing apparently, xmas ape
April 30th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
If by Hispanic, you mean Italian, then sure, she’s Italian.
April 30th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
I’d like to contend that all Jets fans are shemales.
April 30th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
or vice versa
/I’ll should just stop
April 30th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
To the prom kid woo her with mortadella, sopresetta, and capicola.
also, Satan’s HP don’t fish in another man’s pond, especially at work.
Amanda, She-male porn = gay.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Sasha Grey, so fucking filthy. Yum!
April 30th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
“Sasha Grey, so fucking filthy. Yum!”
Concurred. The video that shot’s taken from is some boner-exploding stuff.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Facials dude: just tell her how hot you think she’d look if she let you do that. And tell her frequently. Mid-coitus, not while she’s doing the dishes. I personally have never had an issue with it as a once in a while thing, and I’d definitely take that over anal (what kinds of women are you guys hanging out with??)
April 30th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
re: the last email (that I sent)
they’re not banging supermodels, but their chicks are certainly either hotter or just dress hotter than my chick does. she’s honestly not on the same level as my friends’ girls, which does sort of put me to shame. i still feel like a dick.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
@Rocco
You’ll really should.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Dude gets an offer to play the back nine and he turned it down? Plus he reads this site? Does he not read the sex parts and anguish with all the other Hershey Highway explorers?? GAY!
April 30th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Lil Wayne: Have you tried taking her out somewhere nice where she’s forced to step it up, appearance-wise? If not, try that, and make a big production about how nice she looks, she should dress up more often, etc. But yeah. If you really do like-like her, fuck what your friends think.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
+1 to Amanda for the “What What in the Butt” reference. That video is FABULOUS!
April 30th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
@ The Gooch: Yeah, but that dbag Satan’s hand puppet had me in a fit of rage.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
@Satan – Just do it. I used to bang my wife’s best friend all the time, then she and her hubby got pregnant, so we’re back to being friends. It may not work for everyone, but do you really wanna pass up that kinda sex (assuming all you say is true)?
April 30th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Apparently shemale guy doesn’t have a problem with anal, he has a problem with your VAGINA. He’s looking for some cock-n-ballz.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Kyle – As a gentleman who has always had many female friends (frequently good looking, especially in college), let me assure you that once in the friend zone, always in the friend zone. A woman pretty much makes up your mind as to whether she’d fuck you within 5 minutes of meeting you. So, one of two things will happen if you try to rebound fuck your friend: (i) you will have one awkward sexual encounter, after which the friendship is more or less ruined; or (ii) she will view you with pity, discomfort, or amusement at your offer – no sex will ensue, after which the friendship is more or less ruined.
SHP: Fuck the moral codes, but you shouldn’t shit where you eat. If she gets another job, bang away joyously.
Amanda – Offer “gay for Sanchez” a pegging in return. Everybody gets what they want!
LWC – damn it, you pretty much described me, except that I am certifiably insane and not a woman.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
It’s totally true that some guys are freaked out by anal. Alas, what I’ve discovered is that trying to make guys do things they’re afraid of in bed results in a speedy softening of the key body parts.
But, if your boyfriend is a) unwilling to try things with you and b) unwilling to be honest with you about what he’s into (he obviously knows you’re OK with him looking at porn, so whence the reluctance to share?), that’s just lame on many levels. I wouldn’t last for more than a couple months with a dude like that.
It is worth noting that people do occasionally look at porn links out of curiosity rather than sexual hunger. I’d shudder to think that anyone might judge my sexual preferences based on my Google search history.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Lil Wayne: I agree with Katni’s advice, plus: if your friends do give you shit, tell them what you told the mailbag: she’s not insane, she likes sports, is low-maintenance, etc. I’d think not putting up with female nonsense is worth a few points on the hotness scale.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
i’m pretty sure that email from “amanda” was made up. although im more than fine with going forward under the assumption that all jets fans love shemale porn.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
@ fmra – most men arent curious about shemale sex parties
April 30th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
It’s totally true that some guys are freaked out by anal. Alas, what I’ve discovered is that trying to make guys do things they’re afraid of in bed results in a speedy softening of the key body parts.
Uhhh…
April 30th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Hand Puppet,
You admit you had a lapse in judgement when you banged this chick before. And now with TWELVE more years of life experience under your belt you’re still considering it? You’re risking a friendship that goes back over a decade, and if this comes out (and it always comes out) you’re going to lose this dude as your friend and probably every joing friend you have as well.
Raghead, lots a of pregnant women have hemorrhoids. Not real conducive to anal.
Amanda, it sounds like he’s more interested in receiveing rather than giving.
Jack, lay it on the line to her. Sex is important in a relationship. Intimacy matters. If she can’t understand that at the girlfriend stage, it will never get better. I might recommend shooting Amanda an email.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Anyone who bangs another friend’s wife deserves to be murdered with a shovel.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
do you really wanna pass up that kinda sex
[deep breath]
You know, boys, women who rock in bed are MADE, not BORN. Stop chasing coke whores and skanky married chicks. Get out there, find yourself a chill girl with a nice rack, buy her some goddamn flowers, take her on a few nice dates, and start the lovin’. Honestly, forthrightness, and a few bottles of wine here and there will go a loooong way over a few months. And, fuck: you might even wind up liking the girl.
All women have the potential to blow your mind in bed. Seriously. We all have the same parts and the same hormones. Every boyfriend I’ve had has elevated the way I have sex… and that’s how it should be.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Katni: I have taken her out and she dressed up, but looked really uncomfortable. She wanted to be back on the couch watching sports with me, which is one of the reasons I like her. I have tried to really hit on the fact that she’s really cool and smart when talking about her to my friends. I also know there is no way she would get along with my friend’s girlfriends because she hates “girly” girls, so if she came to hang out with my friends she probably wouldn’t leave my side, which wouldn’t be cool either. I guess I might be being a little too concerned about what my friends think and I should probably not care so much. Fuck it.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
@AG – best way to warm her up is with “slut role play”…you know, get rough, lots of filthy language, smack her around if she’s into it (not hard mind you, you’re going for a facial, not a trip to jail) and once you’re into it, just do it…then you can say “I’m sorry…I just got really into the moment!”…then, of course, the year without sex. Nah, a couple of weeks will cool her off, and you can mark another sexcapade off your list…you naught filthy pervert.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
@fmra- that is, all women except for Amanda’s bf’s shemales have the same parts.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
and can we put a moratorium on the “i have a hot friend that’s a girl that i want to get out of the friend zone with” emails. it seems like there’s one every week, and no matter what the situation is, the only way out of the friend zone is if the girl makes the first move. so just put it out of your head, convince yourself that it will never happen, and then when you least expect it she’ll start making out with you. girls are funny creatures like that.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Rocco,
It’s understandable. I’m enraged that I still don’t know whether or not I should stick my dick in the mashed potatoes.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
She-male porn watcher = too socially conditioned to fear gayness to watch totally gay porn.
She-male porn watcher + guy who refuses anal = wrong guy for you.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
Lil Wayne- does she have any girl (or guy) friends of her own? If it’s a social situation, and not a double date situation, ask her to bring her friends along too. She has somebody to talk to, and will probably feel more at ease.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
yeah man, banging wives of others is NOT OKAY. ever. and Jimmy Crack Porn, you’re not OKAY either. if you must must bone this chick statan, you need to be ready to ruin everything good you set up in your life. fucking friends girlfriends in high school or college is a lot different. fucking friends wives is unforgivable. im telling you this now, if my wife EVER had an affair with a friend of mine, I would have have no problem straight killing that dude. and when the cops found him his cock would be cut off and shoved in his mouth
April 30th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Honestly, does anyone else think we should get a weekly sex column from FMRA?
/dead serious.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Bathroom Jack>>>Similar situation…Get her to work that knob for you if she is not going to give up the goodies.
It may keep you from getting Tommy John surgery in the future. Good luck
April 30th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Farthammer, agreed
LWC, who cares what your friends think, who knows they might be jealous that your chick is cool and into sports.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Steve: I understand your concern about how weird it seems when someone who is ostensibly coupled goes to someone who’s not their partner for advice or to talk or whatever. This guy I know likes to pepper me with these super creepy and intense emails about my life and his interior monologue, and I’m like, “You have a girlfriend. Shouldn’t you be asking HER this stuff?”
Italian girl: As I’ve mentioned before, this Guidette doesn’t go for the gelled-hair and gold horn necklace types. I like ‘em as WASPy as possible. So I can’t help you, sorry!
Kyle: I can’t imagine how awful it feels to ask a woman to marry you and she turns you down. On behalf of bitches everywhere, I’m sorry, guy.
Satan’s Hand Puppet: You have way too much to lose here. Besides, are you sure she’s still as awesomely perverted as before? I mean, this was over a decade ago that you two hooked up.
Raghead: Do it with impunity, but do it however is most comfortable for her. Spooning. T-square. Her on top, if she’s into that.
Fucking Elvira Hancock: Hey, way to go, Pat O’Brien, you made your dream come true!
Reggie 20×6: If, when you go out with this girl, you are in mutual agreement that it’s A Date, you’re eventually going to get some. Probably after the third date. She’s no dummy; she has needs too, dude. That said, if you kiss her and she pulls away, THEN you’ll know you’re consigned to the friend zone.
Disappointed in Denver: From the way you tell your story, it sounds an awful lot like one of those terrible fidelity traps girls like to employ.
Amanda: *blink*
AG: I will not elaborate further on this, but suffice it to say, I disagree with Ape’s assessment that facials are more degrading than anal. Good day. I SAID GOOD DAY!
Deuchars is the Best: Doesn’t anyone listen to me?! I say it every week: Nina Hartley. Seduce the ass. And lube. Lots of it, and not that cheap crap from the CVS “marital aids” aisle. You’re welcome.
Lil’ Wayne Chrebet: *sigh* I can’t address this one, because it hits way too close to home.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Actually, I need a ruling from the judges.
Is it a dick move if it’s ANY guys wife, or just a friend’s wife?
April 30th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
@Carnegie Mellon douche,
You should forget about Steelers fans and worry about bigger problems like the fact that you are about to go to the school where fun goes to die.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Satan: The “NJ” tag wasn’t necessary, only a stupid cumstain from Joisey would need to ask such a question. You want to start a fling with a married subordinate (whose husband you are allegedly friends with) in the hotel across the street from the office? Really? By all means, go for it. Then when they find your busted up stupid ass on the side of the Turnpike, the troopers can spend their time sorting through the laundry list of suspects, even before getting to your associates from your prior profession, and can leave the rest of us to drive whatever f’in speed we want. Jesus H. Law & Order ought to be able to get a four-parter out of your story.
Lil Wayne: Katni, of course, is correct. Plus if your girl’s shit is that together, your boys will notice. But save this one up just in case: “Say, how’s your thing with [Hot but psycho ex] working out?”
April 30th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Elvira Hancock dude: so, does she put a gun to your head and shove a $20 up your nose and you have no say in it whatsoever? Dude. C’mon. Have a little self control, suggest alternate activities (or hell, at least substitute booze for coke), and if she’s not interested, you need to quit messing around with her anyway, because she’s clearly insane and/or an addict.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Never date at work…That dude with the friend’s wife is probably already fucked as described. You have nothing but misery and former friendships on your horizon. NEVER DATE CO-WORKERS! Never, ever pans out well for all involved.
To the non-married housewife guy…Walk, she might be walking soon anyhow, or thinking about it…The thrill is gone, you have been together throughout all of HS/College thus all those good self-exploration, try new things years are behind her and she will have that in her late 20’s early 30’s. Sorry man, a clean house is nice but it’s time to move on. Just reading the writing on your wall. You should give her a facial this Saturday morning first though.
Facials…I love them. Katni, you are my hero for today.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
I have no interest in entering the Hershey Highway, either (vagina and titty fucking is enough for me, thanks) – but on the flip side, I don’t download she-male porn.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
lil wayne go for it dude. im proud of a guy who know what he wants. to be embarrased by her is is to be embarassed of yourself. you clearly like her, and you’ll be getting blow jobs during sportscenter while your friends girls are shopping at nordstroms spending all your friends wages.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Man…this gets better every week. And I’m beginning to wish my name was Rick Ankiel. :)
April 30th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
@Satan
Instead of Sammy Jenkis, you need to write “Remeber OJ Simpson” on your body and look at it daily.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
@Satan: Everyone’s pretty much spot on with the whole “you’re gonna ruin a lot of shit if something goes wrong” but if she’s that hot you’ll hear what you want to hear and ignore the rest, which isn’t surprising considering men have done stupider things before in the name of hot pieces of ass. At the very least, resist the urge to go to the Hyatt across he street, that’s just moronic. I’m assuming that was just storytelling and not a serious option anyway.
Also: “no one (as far as I know) suspects that we secretly want to bang each other silly (although my GF doesn’t especially like her working with me & our coworkers have begun to notice our lengthy lunches together)” Really?? Nobody suspects anything even though your coworkers are questioning why the fuck you’re having long intimate lunches and most likely eye-fucking the shit out of each other all day? If you do it, don’t be stupid. Better yet, just don’t do it and take solace in being a decent human being.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
@Rob in WI, I say fucking any married chick is a dick move. There is a lot of single ass out there. Like I said earlier, don’t fish in another man’s pond.
A guy where I work was banging a married chick and they didn’t think anyone would find out but they got caught, now everyone thinks these 2 people are total trash.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
@clare
without being offensive, are you trying to say that you are or were in relationships where the guy didnt want to introduce you to his friends even though you’re cool and awesome and love sports? If so, am I being a complete dick to her?
@katni
she doesn’t have any girlfriends, just guy friends. So, if I asked her to bring them, I’d probably get shit for her talking to other guys while out with me. I guess I just have to let it go. I hate feeling guilty and the guilt is even worse because she plays it off like it’s not a big deal.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
First off, you’re not friends with someone if you fuck their girlfriend/wife. Be a man and get your own chick. Then again, the chick is a dirty whore whose marriage probably won’t last anyway.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
@ Skins Fan: Yeah, she doesn’t do the oral thing either, which never bothered me in the past because we’d just have sex. What a dummy I am! Fuck my life…
April 30th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
am i really the only one here who thinks the amanda email is fake? she says she reads the site because her BF reads it, then proceeds to completely emasculate him, basically call him gay, and threaten to break up with him on this site. it’s either fake and the girl playing a joke on the guy or a terrible way of ending a relationship
April 30th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Lil Wayne: have you been spying on me? Story of my life. I have almost no female friends, and have been in that situation. Again, you can totally come out looking like the bigger man here, because if your friends do give you shit for her talking to other guys, just shrug it off, act super confident, and say something along the lines of “yeah, but I’m the only one who’s going to be fucking her tonight.” More often than not they’ll feel like idiots for saying anything.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
It’s an interesting theoretical debate – do you really have any obligation to be faithful to somebody else’s marriage? I’m married, and I would never cheat on her – but that’s a different ballgame, from my point of view. Of course, just because it might not be immoral doesn’t make it a good idea – the chance of getting beaten severely with a tire iron (or getting kicked out of your fantasy league) is a pretty strong deterrent.
Do be careful, though – because in some states (like NC), the jilted spouse can sue you for “alienation of affection” if you fuck someone else’s spouse. Strange, but true.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
Hey Raghead: It’s okay to ask for anal, but be prepared for her response to be, “Are you fucking kidding me?” No reason you can’t do anything as long as the belly doesn’t get in the way. When it does, flip her over for doggy style. According to my extensive research, you are not likely to impale the baby. I mean, I only lost one kid that way, so your odds are good.
BTW, your parents were fucking the entire time you were in utero.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
Satan: Fact is, if you’ve been that indiscreet so far, someone probably assumes that the two of you are already going at it, and they’re just waiting for proof to nail you. Just get it done already so we can move on to getting you out of the gene pool.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
Turns down the brown beltway with a girl who’s begging for it AND downloads shemale porn? Unquestionably gay. 5-1 odds that he’s the same guy who beats off on a webcam for other dudes and doesn’t think that’s gay, either.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
It’s never ok to have sex with another man’s wife. I know we’re all a bunch of assholes here, but come on. Have some common human decency.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
@Bathroom Jack, If you can’t deal with it already, then you’re not prepared for marriage and have your dick [most likely] retired for good. End it sooner than later while you’re still young and have a shot at relearning how to get laid after never having to work for it since you were 14.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Satan’s Hand Puppet: Oooh, Ocho Cinco Fan Club makes a really good point: Better yet, just don’t do it and take solace in being a decent human being. I have been propositioned by married guys more than once (I have no idea why because their wives are better looking than I am) and I can say that I have never, ever taken any of them up on their offers. Why? Because I have dignity and pride, and I’d rather be alone than if the only action I can get comes with strings attached. (Let me also say this: It really pisses me off that I ALWAYS have to be a good girl/the bad guy and turn the guy down. Married guys, you should know better than to put me in that position.)
lil wayne chrebet: If you really, really like this girl, I would admire you so much if you had the courage to fuck the haters and bring her around your friends. As for myself, let’s put it this way: I know what I look like. If you think I’m hot, you have A Type. (The sad paradox of being into WASPy guys is that the Preston Boddington IVs of the world aren’t into my type. They like those coltish, athletic girls who look like they were born with a field hockey stick in one hand and a Tank and tonic in the other.)
April 30th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Honestly, does anyone else think we should get a weekly sex column from FMRA?
yes…yes…very yes!!!
April 30th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Amanda is actually A-Rods wife. Which explains everything about that limp dicked faggot. NO ONE DENIES THIS!!
April 30th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
@Bathroom Jack- you can either deal with it now and be a man, or marry her, and seethe quietly, and turn into Satan at some point in the future. When you raise the issue, however, you CANNOT pull your punches at all, to avoid hurting her feelings- otherwise you’re dooming yourself to a lifetime of unhappiness. It’s tough to get through in a marriage, or relationship under the best of circumstances, and you’ll start to resent her over time. Sex is a VITAL part of a relationship, otherwise you’re just roommates who spoon.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
@Bathroom- if she does it for you intellectually and you guys make a good team together, get married. you wont be having sex anyway with WHOMEVER you marry, so if this gal does it for you go forit.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
@ImpersonalJesus: He’s much more likely to get sued for hostile work environment/harassment/discrimination and be personally liable–which is allowed in NJ. While this is a lot of fun for me, as an employment lawyer, to question these fuckos and laugh at them, he’s not going to be so happy explaining his dirty relationship in front of a court reporter and on the public record.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
there’s way too much serious advice going on here today. can we get more questions like “i got drunk last night and fucked an amputee with herpes, help!”
April 30th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
@Bathroom Jack
You say you’ve dated this girl all of high school and college? Is this the first girl you have dated/had sex with? If so, how would you really know if she is everything you want. I would say explore some other options before you buy a ring.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
I’m an all-male Jets fan, so there goes that theory.
Of course, I also like gerbil felching, so maybe I’m not the best example.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Oh yeah — Steve, your girlfriend is fucking her ex, or at least she wants to be. Sorry.
And Li’l Wayne, you’ve got a problem: you call her “the girl I’m fucking,” but if she’s asking to meet your friends, she probably thinks she’s your girlfriend. Proceed with caution.
Stop chasing coke whores and skanky married chicks.
On behalf of skanky married chicks, I object.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
@El Gato Cocaina: Agree completely. Because I already ruled out what SHP wanted to do, I was speaking more theoretically about fucking married people one doesn’t work with.
April 30th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Satan’s Hand Puppet: DONT DO IT. The fact that you are even entertaining this idea tells me you are a piece of shit.
April 30th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
@ Bathroom Jack: Man, that really sucks. Sounds like otherwise it’d be a good thing. Just be careful…the grass isn’t always greener. But the sex thing is only gonna get worse and cause bigger problems, so best to get that out in the open now. If you can figure out what’s caused the change, hey, maybe things get back to hot and heavy.
April 30th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
@FEH: It depends on who’s paying for the lines. Even gratis, I wouldn’t make this an every day kind of thing, unless you want to be living in a dumpster 3 months from now.
April 30th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
LilWayneChrebet: Grow up, kid. Your friends ( if they are your REAL friends) wont give a shit, unless she looks like Roseanne Barr….she doesn’t look like Roseanne, does she?…
Amanda, your man is gay, and you are an angel.
Homo Pats fans (all of them): Fuck you.
April 30th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Yeah, that chick looks pretty Puerto Rican to me, not that there’s anything wrong with that. The Latinos are muy caliente…
April 30th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
@futuremrsrickankiel
i disagree. that’s like saying pro football players are MADE not BORN. i mean sure, we all have the same body parts, but let’s face it, none of us are lacing up those cleats anytime soon.
some girls are just naturally wilder in bed. obviously it can be taught / learned, but some kinks aren’t for everybody, and some girls only get off in specific ways. so i dont think every girl could blow a guy’s mind (just like every guy couldn’t blow every girl’s mind)
April 30th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
BRJ, if you think sex is rare right now God forbid you ever have a kid with her.
April 30th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
@Jack — ” I’d like to marry this girl at some point,..”
If you are having sex once a week, I’d say you already are. Welcome to adulthood, my friend.
In all seriousness, if she’s that much a “perfect” companion, remember there’s always more important things in life than frequency of se….. Bwaahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Damn, almost made it through that.
April 30th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
If it’s any consolation, Bathroom Jack – assuming you are older than 18, your libido will slowly decrease until you’re dead. So you have reason for optimism.
April 30th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
@APE – As a sex advice columnist, I don’t think you should try to solicit anal sex from your emailers. Have you no ethics?
April 30th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Full disclosure: She’s not the only girl I’ve dated. We were separated at different colleges for almost 2 year, and I pretty much f*cked everything that moved (barring shemales/males/jets fans). I’ve been around other women, dated, done the whole dance. She fits all the criteria of a keeper, sexy-time goodness withstanding… I just need her to come up off the poon once in a while after a hard days work. It’s not like she’s frigid, but I can’t go to town with her not in the mood, because thats not really appealing either. I can try all the “get her in the mood” stuff, but at the end of the day, which im sure FMRA/Claire/Katni will agree, don’t women just want to get f*cked sometimes too?
April 30th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
SAS, I think you’re missing my point. Fine, fine, some girls might just always be lame. Who knows? A lot of sexual hangups are due to childhood trauma. It might not even be their faults.
HOWEVAH
this “oh my god, I found a chick who’s good in bed, whatever shall I do I must subvert anything and everything in my life so that this MAGICAL PUSSY DOES NOT ESCAPE ME GOOD HEAVENS” bit is pure nonsense. It’s just plain lazy to demand that a girl be a freak from the get-go. I still remember the first time a guy tried to take me from behind. I CRIED. AUGH. I WAS 18 AND I CRIED FOR LIKE AN HOUR. Poor dude. As for now… well, let’s just say my boyfriend hasn’t had to dry any tears lately. Wink. Nudge.
April 30th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
@FMRA: You make it sound so easy to find a chill girl with a nice rack. Does she also come without daddy/mental issues? And/or general craziness?
/Maybe I should move
April 30th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
@Satan – You are the reason Peter King left New Jersey.
April 30th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
@sideangleside- Agreed. Everybody has different kinks and sex drives, and some people just aren’t gonna do it for you. I do agree with FMRA in that the ones who DO do it for you make you a better future sex partner in general, whether it’s with the person in question or other people. That should be the gold standard.
April 30th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
@Andy
The good news about CMU grad school is that’s the only location in Pittsburgh that you can sortof escape Steelers fans. Most of the students are from other parts of the US or other countries, so not many of them care. The bad news is you read KSK so you almost certianly will want to get the fuck away from campus from time to time. And in that case, especially during football season, there’s not escape. We’ll be surrounding you all the time. Just give up.
April 30th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
@FEH – Yeah – what most people said…. Get a different hobby or fuckbuddy.
I “dated” an alcoholic for about a year in college and, while the sex was fantastic and fun… and it was a lot of laughs… the hangovers and 2.0 GPA’s were not so much. I can’t even imagine trying to simulate that in the business world.
April 30th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
Yes, banging a married chick is a bad move, whether you know the husband or not. Ignore the fact that it’s the action of a dickhead…..how about the fact that you are going to open the door one day to be greeted by a gun?
April 30th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
And also…if you have a cool chick, it never hurts to ask. Since we started dating 4 years ago, my wife has added quite a few moves to her repertoire because I asked. She has also denied a few things, but wasn’t mad/offended that I asked.
The point is, you’re never gonna find out if your woman likes being footed unless you ask.
April 30th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
I am amused that almost every time someone writes in about the female he’s bangin’, she’s supermodel-hot and up for anything he wants, no matter what, but there’s still some sort of problem he needs KSKounsel about. Some really easy-to-solve problem that anyone with a functioning brain could figure out. “Should I continue to bang my FRIEND’S wife?” What a conundrum.
I also think the “Amanda” e-mail is fake. An entertaining fake, but still…
RE Sex first: She probably thought it sounded like a good idea for a minute or read it in Cosmo (”Hmm, how do I spice up our ho-hum sex life?”), but then ran it past her friends and they told her she was out of her mind. Or she had a hot friend in mind, broached the subject, was turned down and let it go at that. If a friend asked me to bang her and her boyfriend, I don’t think I could decline fast enough. Ew. Just because someone isn’t married doesn’t mean she’s eager to help fulfill your dull couple fantasies. Just hire a hooker, for the love of cheese.
April 30th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
@futuremrs.
yes, i definitely agree with the “let’s ruin everything for one girl who’s kinky!!”. i’m not sure about defining not being freaky as “lame” though. i think it’s all about coming to a accommodation… i personally am not all that interested in any backdoor shenanigans, but would be open to it if that’s what any partner was into.
for instance, after the first time your boyfriend tried that you cried…let’s say you kept trying and it just wasn’t that pleasurable to you. it’s not any fault of yours, it’s just not what you’re into. that’s why i think when guys find a girl with the magic pussy or whatever, it can be tough to give it up even if she’s crazy. it’s pretty great to find a girl who meshes with you in bed. (and just hope she’s not crazy)
April 30th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
@slash
haha, yes, for sure. almost all of these e-mails are slight variations on the “hey! what should i do about my incredibly obvious problem?” but they are entertaining as hell, and the variations are what makes them fun.
(also the comments are as great as the column itself)
April 30th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
Is that Miley Cyrus in the “PIG” shirt?
April 30th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
@Lil’ Wayne,
What are you like 16 or something? Whether my friends dated girls who I find personally unattractive is irrelevant. The true measure for adult men is whether or not the girl makes my friends happy or not. If they are dating girls who are overweight or not models, I couldn’t care less, provided my friends are happy. If your friends are the type of guys who would judge you based on how hot your girlfriend is, then they aren’t your friends and you should punch them in the groins.
April 30th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
Lil Wayne, just enjoy what you have. I used to date this cougar chick… great body, red hair, tiger in the sack, but before me she was mentally preparing her divorcee self for old age by dating guys in their fifties. I met her friends including these guys, and the experience felt like ‘Grumpy Old Men’ meets ‘Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner.’ And since we were in a bar, that actually wasn’t half bad. Then she met my friends – the guys liked her (obviously), their girlfriends/wives were evil and catty and basically talked about how I could do better to her face. I could give a damn what they thought, but she was destroyed.
It was a mistake for me, I can only guess it’s a waste of time for you.
@SHP When she jumped your bones for good reason a decade ago before the ring, that’s a wash. The “what was I suppsoed to do” defense is pretty good when defending a revenge lay. But you are asking for the OJ treatment if you actually plan to bang the wifey. You’d be better off personally/socially/financially with a trip to Viking.
April 30th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
@Satan’s Hand Puppet: You are a fucking scumbag and so is that whore wife of your alleged buddy that you’re banging. Do everyone a favor and kill yourself.
/no cutesy meme…..just straight fucking vitriol
April 30th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
@sideangleside: It’s even tougher to give up a girl with the magic pussy, who you mesh with great (in and out of bed), but has some serious issues and refuses help.
April 30th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
@johndewar: Knowing he’s from NJ, I like to picture SHP as this guy (from the single most infuriating hour of TV ever created).
http://img297.imageshack.us/img297/9324/truelife1re1.png
April 30th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
I’ve got the magic stick. I know if I can hit once, I can hit twice.
April 30th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
RE sideangleside Says:
“haha, yes, for sure. almost all of these e-mails are slight variations on the “hey! what should i do about my incredibly obvious problem?” but they are entertaining as hell, and the variations are what makes them fun.”
Maybe if they weren’t always dudes bragging (because, let’s face it, if the letters are at all accurate, which is debatable, then it definitely is bragging) about the super-hot chick they’re banging, I’d find it more entertaining. I know this site’s demo is probably 95% male, just sayin’. The “I’m banging an unbelievably hot piece of ass and she gives it to me good, OMG, no one’s ever been fucked this good in the history of fucking” letters are getting old. Somebody should at least change it up with a “my Brad Pitt look-alike boyfriend with the giant dong who fucks my brains out every night leaves his clothes lying all over the floor, should I continue to bang his hot, hot ass?” letter. I’d provide one, but if I were banging a hottie regularly, I wouldn’t be complaining.
RE magic pussy: I’m going to offer the wisdom of one of my college roommates (overheard as she and her friend were loudly talking a few feet away, I was trying to sleep; yeah, she was kind of a bitch) – There ain’t no golden pussy. I should have asked them to explain that one a little more, maybe. Too late now. You can replace this boring-ass story with a threesome fantasy if you like.
April 30th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
Steve:
As a baby-daddy myself, please note:
IT IS NOT OK FOR YOUR GIRL TO TALK TO HER EX ABOUT ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE KIDS.
I could not call my sons’s mom and talk about the weather, or some awesome book I have been reading. Know why? Because I am married to someone else, and she is rthe only one (outside of my friends) that I should be speaking to.
I know some of you disagree, but having kids with someone and then leaving them creates one very explosive social situation. Why make it worse by being anything more than a social acquaintance from that day forward?
Steve is right to not allow her to go to some baseball game with her ex, and she is a fucking retard for even asking.
Also, on behalf of all Jets fans: Fuck you all.
April 30th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Aria Giovanni: Not Hispanic. Not entirely Italian, but definitely not Hispanic.
April 30th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
@Slash: I’m sorry.
April 30th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
@Ape: So the dude wants to ask a 31 year old nude model to prom?
April 30th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
SHP: I don’t believe you have a girl who you are fucking.
Enjoy your h&
April 30th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
I tried reading all the comments, but I’m in such a rush…
/runs out of my room to call all of my friends twatwaffles.
April 30th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
My wife wants to hang out with my ex guy : No. Do not allow this. I’m sure everyone here will be all “blablabla, it’s perfectly fine to hang out with your exes.”
Fuck that noise. A woman is attracted to a guy sexually, or she isn’t. In the case of her ex, she is, because she had a kid with him. That attraction is still there, as much as she would like to deny it. So now it’s a baseball game, next week it’s dinner, three weeks after she pretends to go visit her cousin, and instead goes over to her house and he fucks her rotten. (And this has happened to me, so don’t give me any of this “that never happens!” bullshit.)
If it makes her pouty, then she should make up her mind whether she wants you or her ex. Because it sounds to me like she’d preferably like to have both. If she can’t make a choice, tell her to fuck off. There’s plenty of women who WILL settle for one guy, like she apparently can’t.
Girl whose guy doesn’t do anal : He’s a fucking queeah. Dump his stupid ass.
Guy whose chick only fucks when on coke : She’s not seeing you because you’re great in the sack, she’s fucking you because you’re paying for her coke habit. This isn’t that hard to figure out, is it?
Same girl through high school and college for 8 years now : She’s already settled down. This is what happens to women when they believe they’ve snared you and no longer have to work (ie, put out like crazy) to make you choose them. Most women wait until you’ve moved in together or you’ve put a ring on her finger. In your case, you live together, she figures she’s settled for the rest of her life, and the sex disappears.
Remember how much you used to laugh when you were single and you heard all the married guys bitch and moan how the sex basically vanished once they were married? Congratulations, you’re one of us now. Once a week is pretty much average and it’s what you’ll have to look forward to for the rest of your life if you decide to stay with her. Trust me, it’s not going to get any better if you decide to marry her. There has never been a single person in the world whose sex life got BETTER after marriage.
This week tough love brought to you by the man who needs more cheerleaders.
April 30th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
I’ve been out of school for a long time so, are the kids today taking washed up 40 year old Puerto Rican hookers to the prom now? Cause if they are, I’m going back to high school.
April 30th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
Can I just say, for the record, I would have bet my left nut that I would never seen a BKV/Y:The Last Man cover on KSK. Thats just awesome.
April 30th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
I would just like to institute a change in the mail bag:
Pics or it didn’t happen.
April 30th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
you DO NOT fuck a married woman. Christ…this is like the SIMPLEST of morals. Are some guys that hard up for pussy that they dip in the desperate pool? Just hang out at a college bar strip, you will trip into interesting ass just by mistake! Satan NJ…you live in Jersey, you have a car. Just go to Easton Ave in New Brunswick near Rutgers.
/walking the fuck away
April 30th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
RE Christmas Ape Says:
“Aria Giovanni: Not Hispanic. Not entirely Italian, but definitely not Hispanic.”
It was the Sharpie eyebrows that fooled me. That’s how you know I’m not a guy: I noticed that she has eyebrows.
Needs More Cheerleaders Says:
“Guy whose chick only fucks when on coke : She’s not seeing you because you’re great in the sack, she’s fucking you because you’re paying for her coke habit. This isn’t that hard to figure out, is it?”
Seconded.
April 30th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
@needs more cheerleaders
YES…my 3 most recent hookups have all been ex’s. it’s so easy for somethign to happen with an ex. i think this question is pretty dicey. the kid complicates things because obviously they have to see each other.
ps….what should i do about hooking up with ex’s? it’s an interesting debate because on one hand, you’re essentially wasting time with a girl…but on the other hand, hey! great sex!
April 30th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
haha, yes, for sure. almost all of these e-mails are slight variations on the “hey! what should i do about my incredibly obvious problem?” but they are entertaining as hell, and the variations are what makes them fun.
I’m pretty sure that most of these emails are – if not made up – at least variations of “I already know what I’m going to do, but I want to have 60 complete strangers agree with me, so I can feel good about it.”
That’s simple human nature.
LWC, man, if your girl is cool and stuff, why are you worried about her being “not hot?” Is the world really this fucking shallow that the ONLY thing that matters is if she’s hot or not? (Wait, why am I asking this?)
Take her to see your friends, stop being fucking ashamed of her, that’s just a dick move. If you’re ashamed of her, break it the fuck off.
Your friends will rag on you a few times, as all guys do, and then they’ll be happy for you that you found a nice girl. If they don’t, they’re not your fucking friends to begin with.
April 30th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
@ Slash – Latina’s, bro. Latino’s are guys.
April 30th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
the kid complicates things because obviously they have to see each other. </i<
@ sideangleside
They will see each other when they drop the kid off at each other’s place, or when some parental decision needs to be made. Her wanting to go to a baseball game with her ex has nothing to do with the fucking kid, it has to do with her wanting to be with her ex.
Fuck that. Nobody who is in a steady relationship should have to put up with the other half wanting to see/spend time with their exes. And if that’s a dealbreaker, then obviously they want to be with their ex more than they want to be with you.
Here’s a simple mantra : They’ve already fucked before. There is no taboo for them to go fuck again.
It’s obviously everyone’s own decision, but if you agree to let her see her ex, and she’s fucking him while hanging from the chandelier in a month, don’t come crying to us, because we fucking WARNED YOU.
Fuck exes.
April 30th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
Jesus I suck so bad at HTML…
ps….what should i do about hooking up with ex’s? it’s an interesting debate because on one hand, you’re essentially wasting time with a girl…but on the other hand, hey! great sex!
There’s nothing wrong with hooking up with an ex. I’ve had several friends who had a great girl, broke up with her because they were both young and stupid, got back together several years later and are happily married now (albeit without sex.)
The wrong part comes when you are WITH someone, and you want to go see an ex. Everybody who wants to do that is basically saying “Well, my old life with him/her was better than the one I’m having with you.”
That’s a clear fucking signal to either say “Get the fuck out,” or to try to figure out what’s wrong and see if you can make it better. Under no circumstance whatsoever should any single person have to put up with this shit if you’re in a serious relationship. Period. End of story.
They have a kid together? Great. You can go to parent/teacher conferences together. You can’t go to the fucking bar together. Don’t like it? Find someone else who will be with you while you’re pining for your fucking ex.
April 30th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
RE Tank Johnson’s Weapons Cache Says:
“@ Slash – Latina’s, bro. Latino’s are guys.”
Duly noted. I think I meant to type “latinas,” saw the mistake after I clicked “Submit Comment” and decided, fuck it, they know what I mean. Latinos are hot, too.
I agree with the ex thing, above. Having cordial relations with baby daddy/mommy, cool. Going out with them to social occasions that really don’t have anything to do with the kid, not cool.
April 30th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
I know the technique to “lead” her to anal. She’ll thank you for it.
April 30th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
RE Pee Wee’s Pig Says:
“I know the technique to “lead” her to anal. She’ll thank you for it.”
Some Rohypnol and a van with no windows?
April 30th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
Just wanted to say I liked the ‘Y: The Last Man’ reference. I just started reading it… again.
April 30th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
@lil’ wayne chrebet: I agree that if your friends aren’t willing to accept the girl you’re dating, then they’re useless assholes – after all, you’re the one fucking her; why would they care what she looks like? But if you’re worried about whether they’ll accept her, here’s my advice: plan on introducing her to them when you’re all getting together to watch a major sporting event (i.e. upcoming NBA finals). They’ll barely pay any attention to her at all (which she won’t mind, because like them, she’s focused on the game) except to notice that a.) she enjoys watching sports, b.) she doesn’t need them to explain the rules to her fifteen times before she loses interest and starts talking to the other girls about shoes and tampons, c.) is fun to be around. Hell, by the end of the game they’ll probably be willing to trade down a point or three on appearance for a girl who’s so chill.
@needs more cheerleaders: I’d like to point out that for every fool who ever saved themselves for marriage, their sex life actually DID get infinitely better afterwards.
April 30th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
@needs more cheerleaders
what if people are just legitimately non-sexual friends with their ex’s? or is that not possible in your view?
(it certainly hasn’t worked otu for me, whenever i end up hanging out with ex’s we just end up fucking)
April 30th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
I see Ape and I were relying on the same contacts.
April 30th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
@lil’ wayne chrebet: It sounds like you are more interested in your own self esteem than in the feelings of your girl. As everyone has mentioned, fuck your friends if they don’t understand. It sounds like your girl is being a really good sport about this but I wouldn’t be suprised if she is hurt when you don’t take her anywhere. After many relationships with many different body types and styles, the girl I was happiest with was the one I had the most in common with, not the hottest one.
April 30th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
Oh yeah, the anal thing sure is popular here. For those who haven’t experienced it.. It’s just another orifice. Possibly a bit tighter but remember it does not create it’s own lube. I’ve tried it many times with no real complaints but I prefer the pussy. It’s not like you are missing the greatest sex act of all time. It might be because it has more of a kink element.
April 30th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
@Jay: I don’t suppose you (or anyone else) could provide a little more info on said video, hmmm?
April 30th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
I’m trying to resist the urge to write up lyrics for “Shemale Party,” set to Black Flag’s “TV Party.”
Shemale party tonight!
Shemale party tonight!
April 30th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
Never in a million years did I think I’d see Carnegie Mellon mentioned in a KSK Sex Mailbag. As a proud graduate of that university, allow me to officially disown the douche who doesn’t want to be part of the city where he’s living. Oh and the fact there was no sex portion of the question was not an accident. CMU students are far too busy building robots and learning innovative management techniques to worry about girls. If you want slutty sorority girls with no sense of self worth, go to Pitt.
April 30th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
Somebody asked it’s only wrong to have sex with a friend’s wife but okay to bang a stranger’s wife. Look at this way — either way, you’re going to hell. The only difference is that the guy who banged a stranger’s wife will get to use a brush when he cleans out Hitler’s toilet, but the guy who nails the friend’s wife doesn’t.
April 30th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
Somebody asked it’s only wrong to have sex with a friend’s wife but okay to bang a stranger’s wife. Look at this way — either way, you’re going to hell. The only difference is that the guy who banged a stranger’s wife will get to use a brush when he cleans out Hitler’s toilet, but the guy who nails the friend’s wife doesn’t.
Ok, that’s pretty much what I assumed. Can I bring my own brush?
April 30th, 2009 at 10:47 pm
The best part of this sexbag is that in the Stillers video, there was a Ricky Williams jersey walking by in the background.
But in all honesty, these things turn into pretty great discussions that always make me learn a thing or two. One thing I can tell you is that not all anal requests are the same. Some girls like it, some girls don’t. Almost all guys like it, some don’t.
But NOBODY LIKES SHEMALES.
May 1st, 2009 at 12:24 am
If you want slutty sorority girls with no sense of self worth, go to Pitt.
Somebody page me?
/Pitt CAS ‘04
May 1st, 2009 at 1:16 am
@Clare,
Holy Crap, I had no idea that you graduated from Pitt, Clare. That makes our mutual admiration of you “seduce the ass” anal sex quote that much more of a bonding experience. Who knows, maybe I walked past you in Amos Hall one morning?
/Pitt CAS ‘03
May 1st, 2009 at 1:34 am
@ Steve: It’s understandable to be insecure because this guy has seen your girl naked and demanding anal. Since the topic is front and center, you and her have to work out some sort of boundaries so that you can feel comfortable. He will be a part of her life because of their child.
@ Prom Kid: If you know her and like her, then ask her. Being Italian makes no difference.
@ Yes to One: If you are “her friend” being dumped is unlikely to change that. At best, you can get a pity fuck, but if you actually want more than that, just get your stuff together.
@ Satan’s HP: So not only are you a scumbag, you’re an idiotic scumbag? Of course, it’s not gonna matter what anyone says. The allure of forbidden tang is already in your mind. Hope you like hospital food.
@ Raghead: Short answer is that up to and until the water breaks, you can go right ahead with the sexy time. In fact, this is a great time for you to get as much as you want — she can’t get pregnant and boobs get richer.
@ FEH: Wait? You’re fucking Lindsay Lohan?
@ Reggie: If you go on this second date and there is ZERO physical contact, then congrats you are her gay little buddy and can’t change that. In fact, make a move sometime during that date. If you get shot down, hey, it ends the date quickly and have time to go drown your sorrows in a bar.
@ Disappointed: YOU can’t bring up this topic. You have to wait for HER to bring it up again — and be ready to pounce!
@ Amanda: OK, this is two weeks in a row where a girl sends an e-mail that makes me go “WHERE ARE THESE CHICKS LOCATED AT?!” Congrats on winning it. Dump the butt lord — unless you feel like growing your own weiner.
@ Moishe Alou: Dick? I want to dip my balls in them!
@ AG: Not much to do until it’s your birthday. Or invest in shiny stuff.
@ Deuchars: Quality lube is a must. Remember: that’s a one-way street you’re trying to drive the wrong way onto. You have to massage it and get her accustomed. If you don’t feel like putting a condom on your finger, use a dildo — but buy a new one and don’t try to use her favorite old one.
@ Bathroom Jack: Introduce her to Satan’s HP? You have to state you need more sex. Humans are sexual creatures. If you’re not meeting your desired minimum, marriage ain’t changing that!
@ Lil Wayne: You have a cool, sports-lovin’ chick that will do sexy time with you? That’s not something to be ashamed of. That’s something to brag about. Or look at it another way: if you want a super-hot woman, be prepared for someone who will not be into anything you like, who’ll make you spend money you ain’t got and more than likely go sleep with a “friend” of yours in the hotel across their work. You want that?
May 1st, 2009 at 2:04 am
I hate being in class all day and missing out of commenting on the mailbag before everything has been said.
But yeah, on the shemale porn guy: I’ll occasionally click on something just to see what the hell it is, but I can’t image a straight guy ever clicking on shemale porn “just out of curiosity”. Regardless of his sexual orientation, dump him.
Lil Wayne: Even though you’re concerned about what your friends will think, who isn’t when they’re dating/fucking someone, unless this person is a supermodel, we all wonder what the reaction will be. I do commend you though for appreciating a girl who may not be smokin’ hot but is good in bed and nice to spend time with.
/apparently feeling sappy tonight
May 1st, 2009 at 2:46 am
@Prom Kid: if you want ins with the mob/mafia, try hitting up the Russians instead. The Italians are tough and all, but nothing beats the good ol’ Black and Decker to the knees. Plus, the Russians will steal your car AND try to sell it back to you on a used car lot. How awesome is that?
@Satan’s Hand Puppet: Dude, don’t fuck your friends wife. Unless you are the überest of über douchebags, I highly suggest you just fuck your girlfriend and think of your friend’s wife, at best. Just don’t be that guy.
@Raghead: Just fuck her and don’t think about mentally fucking your unborn child. Your wife will thank you later. Besides, I thought it was already covered last week that pregnant sex is the best. Stop watching Knocked Up and just bone her.
@Denver: You missed the boat. Once a girl offers up the coveted threesome and you slyly shoot it down, it’s gone forever. We girls play kind of a cruel game with that one, but my boyfriend will not be hearing me offer to lick some other chick’s snatch while he bones me, etc.
@Amanda: Run. There are thousands, nay, MILLIONS of men out there that will be more than happy to take you up on the anal action. Oh, and they don’t like shemale porn either. That’s some fucked up SHIT. No one treads into that territory (”on accident” my ass) unless they’re looking for it. That’s like saying people only watch anime porn for the artistic value. Fuck that.
@Bathroom Jack: Eight years and you haven’t popped the question? She must be desperate because I would NOT have hung around that long. If you really want to spend the rest of your life with her and you don’t want your sex life to dwindle down to once a month, sit her down and straight up tell her to find some fucking female viagra or GTFO.
@Lil’ Wayne: Just to debunk this myth that hot sports-loving, beer-drinking women don’t exist. I’m hot. I like, nay, love sports. I’m German so beer is kind of like water to me. I would never willingly go out in public in all-out sweats. We DO exist, I promise. 99% of us have boyfriends (sorry), but we’re out there.
Anyway, I get that you’re concerned about what your friend will say because trust me, from the shit I hear from my boyfriend and his other buddies about their mutual friends’ unattractive, bitchy girlfriends, you have every right to be worried about what they might say. Just as long as she’s cool with your friends and they’re cool with her, I don’t see any huge obstacles to overcome. I’m just warning you right now that if your girlfriend doesn’t come straight out and say that she’s not very girly and isn’t very comfortable around all that noise, your buddies girlfriends are going to think she’s a stuck up bitch who’s too good for them. I don’t give a shit if some girl is more comfortable wearing sweats than a pair of indigo wash bootleg jeans with a silk top. If she has a good sense of humor/personality and isn’t a bitch she’s good people to me, regardless of size. If your friends think otherwise they’re all dick jockeys and you need to find new friends.
May 1st, 2009 at 2:47 am
Well fuck me running, that was quite a novel, wasn’t it?
May 1st, 2009 at 3:19 am
@Plax: In all due respect, I think I read Blood Meridian quicker than your and Reggie Bush’s posts. That said, good advice all around.
@Lil Wayne: It seems like you have a cool girl … I’m with Zack on this one, play to her strengths if you’re so nervous and have her watch a regular night of games while your friends are there (basketball is perfect because 95%+ of white people don’t follow it religiously). The vast majority of guys will rag on your cord about looks a little and let it go after that (what are friends for?). As long as you don’t set her up for the slaughter with catty girlfriends of your buddies on Day 1 and go from there, you’ll be fine. Like everyone else said, any good friend really won’t care at all as long as you’re happy.
May 1st, 2009 at 4:54 am
“Sasha Grey, so fucking filthy. Yum!”
Concurred. The video that shot’s taken from is some boner-exploding stuff.
Gonna have to take your word on that, since you didn’t tell anyone where to find it.
May 1st, 2009 at 6:53 am
Isn’t it funny how people on this site justify some of their douchy things by stating the girl is “hot?” Whether she’s an eleven out of 10 or not, never fuck another man’s wife. . . especially if you’re friends with both. She will tell her husband, and he will beat your ass down.
+1 for the Aria Giovanni pic. I believe she’s 3/4 Italian, and 1/4 Cuban. EIther way, it’s a well known fact she never went to her prom. However, I think she’s still dating the drummer from Marilyn Manson.
@Bathroom Jack: Wanna know why she’s always too tired? You don’t help her with the housework. If she works, and then has to go home and clean like Mrs. Cleaver, yeah, she’s going to be too tired to service you. Seriously, do the dishes (which is seriously like foreplay for a lot of broads) and some other chores, and your woman won’t be so tired.
@ l’il wayne: I was in your situation once. You will find that she’s better off as a friend.
@Disappointed Broncos fan: The threesome thing is a trap. RUN!
@ Amanda: Buy a strap on.
@ Facials dude: Take care of your woman first, and you’ll get away with one. She may even like it.
May 1st, 2009 at 8:57 am
I love The Mailbag. I laugh, I grimace, I learn something new.
Also, FMRA: Dont ever change.
May 1st, 2009 at 9:50 am
@ Raghead: Psst, pregnant sex is the BEST, especially 2nd trimester. Get as much as you can now.
@Bathroom Jack: Sounds like you’re already married.
@ Satan’s HP: Just don’t. If you do, you’ll deserve it when you lose your best friend, girl friend, and job.
May 1st, 2009 at 9:56 am
@That’samare Says: You’re wrong. I go to work, cook and clean my house for myself, and am not too tired to “service” a girl. However, sharing in those chores is probably a good idea. I will never understand the decrease in sex when married phenomenon. Fine, I get it. You’re a slut until you “land” the guy. But how does someone stop enjoying sex or lose interest? It just baffles me. And about the eight years thing: eh, whatever. Don’t rush it. I dated a great girl for seven years, who I planned on marrying. When we broke up we were both still young and I was just starting my “adult” life after college and she was preparing for grad school. Consider your situations and where you want to be in life before jumping into it. Remember: a marriage license costs $35. Divorce will be slightly more.
May 1st, 2009 at 10:29 am
RE That’samare Says:
“Isn’t it funny how people on this site justify some of their douchy things by stating the girl is ‘hot?’”
Yeah, that occurred to me, too, since apparently men (maybe women, too), grade on a curve, judging sexual behavior according to how attractive the people involved are. Banging a fat/ugly chick on the end of your parents’ bed, while your parents are still in it? You sick fuck. Banging a supermodel hot chick in the same situation? Dude, no one can blame you for that… if the hot chick wants it on your parents’ bed, that’s how she gets it. The hotness negates the skeeves. Supposedly.
May 1st, 2009 at 11:01 am
@Rocco:’But how does someone stop enjoying sex or lose interest? It just baffles me.’ Me, too. But after we got married it dried up. Then she wanted kids and we had sex all the time and now we have them and guess what! No more sex.
May 1st, 2009 at 11:42 am
people need to remember that:
Advice from women on women = terrible advice, always, even with the best intentions.
May 1st, 2009 at 11:49 am
Am I the only one who thinks that picture looks like shaved-head Sinead O’Connor with hairy armpits? It’s grossing me out, and I voted in every bracket in the Nasty Fetish Tournament.
May 1st, 2009 at 12:10 pm
To Amanda (dating the shemale porn guy)-
Do you live in Akron?
May 1st, 2009 at 12:36 pm
That’s Aria Giovanni btw
So…she’s probably Italian
May 1st, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Are there any married women commenters who can shed some light on the sex/marriage dilema?
May 1st, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Where do I go about finding that Sasha Grey video. Wow.
May 1st, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Ok, here’s the answer to all the “friend zone” questions once and for all.
Get them extremely drunk and make a move on them. If they don’t go for the moves, then you’re fucked…always in the friend zone no matter what. If she does reciprocate the advances, then she’s either a) thought about hooking up with you in the back of her mind, but maybe she was waiting for you to stop being a pussy and make a move or b) she’s too drunk to know what’s going on, but at least you’ll get to fuck her
If you’ve seen Observe and Report, just do what Seth Rogen’s character does to Farris’s character
May 1st, 2009 at 6:21 pm
Thanks for the terrific advice, asshats. After all, at the end of the day, it’s just pussy.
May 2nd, 2009 at 12:12 am
@Bathroom Jack: Have you considered the possibility that you are a shitty lay?
We seem to have a consensus from the female KSK Kontingent that women enjoy good sex, and want to have it frequently (before the exhaustion of mairrage, that is). If your girl isn’t in to it, maybe you just plain aren’t pleasing her.
Since you two have been together for most, if not all, of her sexual life, she might not have enough variety of experience to know what what will please her with a partner, and/or, might not be able to communicate what she would like to you. If so, she either a) doesn’t know there is something better out there for her, b) does know, but doesn’t know how to get it from you, or c) does know and thinks you are incapable of delivering it.
Any way you look at it, the fact that she still misguidedly tolerates unsatisfying sex once a week, after eight years, means she sees something else in you worth sticking around for, the same way you do in her. If you can find a way to work with her to improve the experience for both of you, maybe your relationship will have legs for another eight years.
As a side note, I’m curious to know the ages of some of the submitters (chronological, that is — I can guess the emotional). Any chance we can get them to sign their ages along with their handles?
May 2nd, 2009 at 12:53 am
@Satan’s Hand Puppet: The only pussy I see is you. For not being a man and getting your own woman, rather than drinking another man’s Kool Aid. Weak fucking coward. I hope your “friend” kicks the living shit out of you.
May 2nd, 2009 at 4:26 am
@Satan’s Hand Puppet. It’s just pussy? Well, then what’s the big deal? Why don’t you just tell your friend? “Hey brosef, I’ve been fucking your wife for a while! No worriez (I imagine you add the Z) brozilla, it’s just pussy!” Do you really not understand the idea of “‘emotional involvement”? Your friend made a giant commitment (marriage) to this girl, and you’re spitting in his face every time. To second what everyone else has said, you’re a shitty person who somehow thinks sex is more important than actual relationships. Yeah, that’s fine for a while, but you’re a grown-ass man now. The important thing is that you have the capacity to change. Seriously. Just stop having sex with her. After all, it’s just pussy.
/see what I did there? Using your own words against you?
//sighs
May 2nd, 2009 at 9:00 am
I could see Satan’s Hand Puppet hanging out with Nick Lachey and Matt Leinart.
Brah, I just fucked your wife
Brah, that’s bad ass, how was she.
Ask Matt, he fucked her too
Brah, that’s totally funny, because while you two were fucking her, I fucked yours!
Brah, that’s totally gnarly, how does my dick taste!
Tastes just like those times we drink from the same bottle of Jager!!
Brah
Brah
BRAHHHHH!!
May 2nd, 2009 at 9:53 pm
I’m not saying I’d actively pursue another man’s wife, but if she’s looking around, I don’t see that it’s my responsibility to keep her faithful. If she’s a cheating whore, she’s a cheating whore, and she’ll stray eventually. Satan obviously doesn’t respect his friend that much, so I’d say fuck it–if it wasn’t for the working together thing and that he’s got a girlfriend.
Fucking a co-worker is bad fucking news, as is cheating on someone you’re in a relationship with.
May 3rd, 2009 at 6:13 am
OK, I found it.
The screenshot at the top is from Belladonna: Fetish Fanatic 4.
You’re welcome.
May 3rd, 2009 at 10:09 pm
@LI Matt: Thank you good sir. You’re a golden god.
May 4th, 2009 at 6:39 am
How exactly does one “manicure a snatch”?