Prison Wives, Arranged Marriages, And Wife Swapping. Your KSK Sex And Football Mailbag
It’s that time of week again. Time for me to open up the mailhole, jam my fist inside, and spread my hand wide like a Texas five-star. Speaking of which, I have a mailbag question of my own for you people.
You know that scene in “Chasing Amy” where Joey Lauren Adams’ character (God I fucking hated her. WAHHHHHH! WAHHHHHHH!!! HIGH PITCHED VOICE WAHHH!!!) explained that fisting counted as intercourse for lesbians? That always struck me as completely fucking misguided. It seemed as if Kevin Smith said to himself, “Say, I’m a heterosexual white guy. How would I have sex if I were a lesbian? Oooh! I got it! Painful arm insertion! Of course! Lesbians gotta love that.”
I don’t buy that shit for an instant, but I’m going to need corroboration from REAL lesbians on that. We don’t get enough lesbians writing in to the mailbag (I wonder why), so if you’re a reader AND you’re a gym teacher, give us the scoop.
Anyway, to the letters. As always, points awarded for brevity and sincerity.
Fellas,
I emailed you a couple months ago about a pregnant chick I started sleeping with.
Hey, I remember this guy. Here was his original email from 3/12:
I went to a house party last weekend at a friends house. She introduces me to her friend “Amy” and we hit it off. I noticed the whole time she wasn’t drinking. I asked her why and she said she was that night’s DD. Looking for an in I ask her if she would be willing to drive me home as well. I figured I could capitalize on this in later days. The night goes on, I curb my drinking a bit to impress, and we head home. She let me ride shotgun and took everyone home first. We get to my place and she parks and turns the car off. She asked to come in and I obliged.
We were inside for 5 minutes before we were making out and leading towards greater things. She is hesitant to let me take her shirt off (wearing hoodie), but her pants are off. Finally after being denied a few times she stops me and drops a bomb. “I’m 2.5 months pregnant.” She didn’t have a very big bump, but once she lifted her shirt I could see it. She explained her B/F broke up with her before they found out about the pregnancy and they aren’t together but decided to have the baby. I decide that if she wants to have a go I’m down. It was the best sex I’ve ever had. Not even close to the second best. I’ve been back for seconds, I’m just wondering if I’m a terrible human?
And the answer to that is: of course not. YOU didn’t get her pregnant. Fast forward to this week.
The child is not mine and the sex is still great. I’m just wondering if it’s like this for all pregnant women.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
We don’t see each other but once a week to do the nasty and that’s all it is. We had the “where is this going” talk and decided that when it gets close to the birth we should stop.
Yes, you should probably stop having sex after her water breaks. That would be prudent.
I’m just amazed by how good the sex is. Am I now the guy that can only get off to pregnant chicks?
I don’t know. ARE YOU? Let me send you a collector’s volume of the “Ready To Drop” trilogy and you should know very quickly.
I have not slept with anybody else in the last two months. Some of you guys have kids, was it like that for you?
Not sleeping with anyone else while my wife was pregnant? Yes, I managed that.
My roommate found out and told all my friends. It got back to a couple of people at work. Everyone thinks I’m a freak now, tell me I’m not.
You’re not a freak. And your roommate is a prick. This may be a case of you liking sex with, you know, THIS girl. Not because she’s pregnant, but because she’s her, and she’s hot and horny and blah blah blah. And if you feel like no, the pregnancy IS what really turns you on, then I strongly suggest you find someone to fall in love with, turn Catholic, and then get them pregnant 17 times. Banging every pregnant lady you meet is probably an unwise course of action. I assure you, not all of them are horny little jackrabbits.
Should the Lions take Smith at one and then trade their other first and their 2 thirds up for Sanchez. The core of J. Smith, Sanchez, Megatron, and K. Smith looks like a nice offense to build around.
Barefoot and Wishing you were Pregnant
That’s not a terrible idea. I think the QB’s in this draft are way fucking overrated. The Lions are obviously bereft at the position, but I’ve never understood the whole “you have to take a QB high if you don’t have one” mentality. At the very least, I think they should go o-line before drafting Stafford.
Hey Village People,
Sex first: I’m an immigrant to this country, and contrary to many of your regular writers, I had very little choice in a partner: my wife was arranged for me
Say hi to Manjula for me.
and though she seemed pleasant and smart enough, she was slightly, shall we say, ummm… plump.
No more tikka masala for you, young missy!
At that time, I thought nothing of it (sad fool, me) other than to expect that I would encourage her to exercise and all that.
Now, almost ten years later, she hasn’t changed an iota. We eat healthy now, and visit the gym sporadically, but even this is a classic “One step forward, two steps back” paradigm, since she’ll make some rich dessert every couple of weeks and proceed to gobble it.
To be succinct, how in the hell do I encourage her to do better?
You don’t. You divorce her and marry someone you actually love and are attracted to, and she does likewise. Your wife likes to eat. Hmm, I wonder why that is. Could it be because she was forced into a loveless marriage by her family, and a tray of brownies provides her a brief, if ever so slight, moment of happiness in an otherwise cruel life? Couldn’t be.
I’d like her to exercise and act sluttish, but she doesn’t do either and then I lose interest in sex with her and masturbate like a hyper monkey and this continues on and on. She does like sex, and has no trouble with orgasms, either orally induced or otherwise. Any advice?
Again, divorce. That’s legal in this country.
Football-wise, d’you think trading Cassell was smart?
thanks,
Unpronounceable-in-Boston
They had to trade Cassel now to get anything for him and to clear cap room. But the trade is obviously a failure if Brady returns and still has injury problems. Only Belichick knows for sure, and I’m assuming he knows quite a bit more than I do about it. Seriously, though: get divorced. Or learn to love your plump arranged wife.
Dear Masters of Masturbatory Mischievousness,
First the football. I’m in a keeper league and have Marmalard and Peyton Manning. I can only keep one of those. Am I foolish for thinking Manning might be getting old/wanting to keep Marmalard and his wicked sweet floaters? Or should I just release Marmalard knowing full well there’s a chance he’ll decapitate LaToeInjury in camp and then have a huge season?
Yeah, it’s a tougher call than it might seem. I think Rivers will stay as productive as he was last year. Manning, on the other hand, may now occupy a role similar to Tom Brady’s initial years with the Pats, where he wins lots of games but doesn’t get a lot of style points in the process. GUT DECISION: Marmalard.
Now for the sex. Ok it’s not really even sex. I had a bit of a thing for this girl for a while in college. I told her one day and she basically told me tough shit, she didn’t have similar feelings. So THAT was fun. Well I stayed in the city where I went to college and she’s now a junior. We stayed on good terms even after I got shot down.
Why? That’s a complete fucking waste of time. Gentlemen, always the rule: If a girl rejects you, MOVE THE FUCK ON.
She invited me to an art showing of hers the other day. I thought why not, what could possibly go wrong?
Besides being stuck at some gay art show with a chick who won’t have sex with you?
Oh, many things. Turns out her “artwork” was pictures of her naked (great rack). AND her new boyfriend was there with her. Awesome. My question is, would it be too much/illegal to send her naked pictures of myself? I kid. Seriously though, what should I do about this that will result in me and my friends laughing even more and not at my expense this time? Thanks.
-Bones
Yeah, never talk to the girl again. Move on. IT’S TOUGH LOVE WEEK AT THE MAILBAG, PEOPLE.
Dear manic sexholios,
Probably like a lot of guys, I’ve queried my wife from time-to-time to gauge her interest in bringing in another girl (I mean, a guy can ask, right?)
If he wears leopard print vests, most certainly.
and while she always seems situationally interested, it never really materializes beyond talk. It’s really no big deal because we have a great sex life. So, c’est la vie. Life moves.
I don’t think you translated that phrase quite right.
Anyway, a few months ago we meet a new couple and became fast friends. They’re educated, funny, have a lot of the same interests as we do, etc., and to make a long story short…they divulged recently that they like to, uh, shall we say ’swap’?
SEXY!
Now, my experience in the realm of non-monogomy has been strict avoidance. This, however, is not due to adherence to a moral standard or conformance to a societal norm. No. Not at all. In fact, quite honestly the main reason is most of the ’swinging’ types I’ve ever run across are just plain ugly. I mean, really fucking ugly. So as far as I’m concerned the hippies can have their orgy elsewhere.
Besides, cockwarts notwithstanding, it seems a very risky and potentially relationship-damaging proposition because I’m also aware that one of the main risks in this type of openness is jealousy. As in, I’ll have to deal with the thought of some dude boning my wife.
So here is the dilemma–and trust me on this–this woman is smokin’ hot. Off the charts. My wife also genuinely seems interested at this point also. So it’s been really tempting to try and move forward with the hottie but should we even consider this? Or is the clutch play* just to find the best way to get the other guy out of the picture?
I’m assuming your wife has expressed interest specifically because the other guy would be involved, yes? Frankly, it’s only fair that she gets plowed if you get to have sex with another woman. I think your wife-swapping thing is probably fun to think about as a fantasy, and a complete train wreck when put into actual practice. I tend to be fairly conservative in my beliefs about marriage. That is to say, if you want to fuck other people, don’t ever get fucking married. Because the whole point of marriage is that you don’t fuck other people. Watch an Andrew Blake film together or something.
Oh, also, after the off-season management debacle in Denver do you think Belisuck Jr. wins more than 4-games for the Donks this year? And what octane fuel would you recommend that would best incinerate my Portis, Plummer, and Cutlerfucker jerseys?
Sincerely,
headed-for-commune-living
I think 4 to 7 wins is right on target for the Broncos. I recommend straight gasoline for jersey burning.
Dear Gay Mafia,
Sex – Recently, I was back home and I met this really awesome girl. After I came back to school, we began talking online and over the phone. Things have been going very well between us. However, there’s one problem.
This girl has some really kinky fetishes. She told me that she wants me to throat fuck her.
Jeez, it sounds so wrong when put that way. Cool.
She also wants to put her strap-on to use on me.
Whoa! Hey! Can’t we just stay on the throat fucking, lady?
I get the feeling that’s only the start of the weird shit she’s into. As much as I like her sexual deviancy and wouldn’t mind trying some new stuff with her, I don’t want to get in over my head.
Should I experiment, try talking her into doing more normal stuff, or run away with my anal virginity intact?
I’d only do what you feel comfortable with. If that’s not enough for her, tell her to go crying to her almost-certainly-dead daddy.
Football – Who will have the better season this year: Cutlerfucker or Neckbeard?
Cutler. Better QB. Better defense. Better run game supporting him. Better throat fucker.
Sex: There has been plenty of e-mails concerning the fucking of friends’ ex-es, so just for fun, I think I’ll share my story. I fucked a friend’s ex-girlfriend. On Valentine’s Day.
Romantic.
And she had been with him earlier that day. No, not “been with him” as in fucked him. She went to lunch with him and her family (holy shit, i think that’s worse).
It is worse. Why was he lunching with her family?
He also somehow became suspicious, and when he confronted me about it, I denied it like a bitch! In my defense, he wasn’t really my friend; he was more friend of a friend. We rarely hung out, and when we did, it was through our mutual friend. Furthermore, this girl was a virgin when I fucked her. I don’t know if that makes it more or less shitty. Am I the worst friend ever?
How can you be a bad friend to someone you admit you aren’t friends with? Referee Mills Lane says: “I’LL ALLOW IT.”
More Sex: On a side note, I cannot bring myself to eat a pussy for the life of me. I just can’t do it. I’m not some kind of macho misogynist either. I’m just not at all interested or turned on by it. I’ve had pussy in my face and just can’t do it. I love fucking it as much as the next guy, but I can’t and won’t eat it. Am I the pussy, or do other guys feel this way?
Big Don says YOU’RE the pussy.
“I eat the pussy. I eat the butt. I eat every motherfuckin’ thang.”
Football: I’m a Bengals fan, and this might just be the homer in me, but I think Carson Palmer is fucking great. As in “capable of being just as good as Manning or Brady” great, and it pisses me off that this guy’s talent is being wasted on such a shitty team. Is there any chance this perennial disappointment of a team can turn it around in the Palmer era, or is he doomed?
It’s a goddamn tragedy. I too think Palmer is a great QB, but Mike Brown has gone back to being a cheapskate, letting Housh walk and refusing to fire Marvin Lewis to buy out his contract. It’s a waste of an otherwise promising career. I feel for you, brutha. I really do. Now go bang your non-friend’s ladyfriend.
Dear Gay Mafia,
I’ve written to Dear Prudence at Slate, but that bitch doesn’t respond, so I come to you for help. My wife is in jail (2 months now) for money laundering and it looks like she’s getting 4 years.
Best letter ever? Best letter ever.
Conjugal visits don’t seem to be anywhere in the prison handbook, and there isn’t a chance in hell I’m waiting 4 years. What’s the best way to let her know that I have to take care of business elsewhere while she’s in the clink?
By having your divorce lawyer visit her.
Also based on all the shit she’s put our family through, should I let her know she’s gonna be my sex slave upon release if she thinks I’m taking her back, or at least parlay it into alarm clock blowjobs for life?
Sounds like yours is a loving, healthy relationship. If you want to fuck other people and are merely waiting for her to get out so you can dish out some kind of sexual revenge upon her, I suggest no longer being married to her. Prison, like gayness, serves as a fair excuse to end any marriage. You rarely get that “end marriage” out so clearly and decisively.
First time in a Keeper Lg. can keep 4(no picks lost). T.Jones, B.Jacobs, Mcfadden, Fitzy. R.Moss, TO, V.Jackson? If I could trade any 2 (minus Fitzy) to get Slaton should I? Thanks for your help on all matters
Sincerely,
Just hoping shes doesn’t turn Lez
Any two? You’d have to be way more specific. Trade Jacobs and McFadden for Slaton? No. That’s dumb. Trade Jackson and Jones for him? Eh, maybe.
Keep Fitty, Jacobs, Moss, and McFadden.
Dear [Insert witty burn about you all being either a Steelers fan or friends with one],
Sex: I have a serious attachment issue with women. I hate my mom, have since the age of 10 or so while never really liking her before that, and now completely have no relationship with her. After several psychology classes, I think this might have something to do with my problem with women. Also, I do whatever I can to get with attractive girls (which works as I’m built well and sweet talk like a Spanish man in a romantic movie) but as soon as I get any kind of sexual, regardless of how great it is, I end up diving out of there like Cutler out of Denver. What the hell can I do to fix any of this? Note: reconciling the situation with my mother is impossible as she is bat-shit crazy.
Well then, you’re going to have to kill her, keep the body in your fruit cellar, wear her clothing, and spend the rest of your days stabbing motel patrons and burying them in tarpits. Buy hey, at least you aren’t stuck in an arranged marriage.
See a therapist, buddy.
Football: Why the hell are the Browns trying to trade Braylon Edwards instead of one of the two evenly-matched, young quarterbacks on their roster? Am I the only person completely crazy for thinking that Braylon is still a great WR despite the rockhands he had last year? And what kind of value do you think the Browns could get for him since they’re intent on becoming even more like the Lions by trading away any kind of talent? I suppose it’s just days until the Lions try to trade Calvin Johnson and forfeit their entire draft for an empty bag of Doritos.
Sincerely
Snow
Snow? Could have sworn Eminem wrote this letter. I don’t think the Browns should trade ANY of those players. Why trade Edwards when his value is at its lowest?
Over break I hooked up with a longtime best guy friend, for whom I’ve always had feelings. It was cute and awesome, but he’s working almost ten hours away. He said that he didn’t want to just be fuck buddies and if it was to ever happen again he would want to woo me first. But its not like he asked me to be his girlfriend or anything and I sort of made it clear I would be down for that. I’ll be visiting him in soon and refused sex with anyone else since him so I’m ridiculously horny and kinda just want to fuck him the instant I get there. Would you recommend waiting and seeing if he makes a grand effort to show his affection before I give it up?
No. I’m quite sure he’ll happily respond to your advances.
Does fucking him before pretty much guarantee I’ll never enter girlfriend land? And if I’m trying to make this guy my boyfriend should I shelf my urge to get tittiefucked for a later date?
You should run for President, lady. You really should. You rule. You aren’t currently in prison, are you?
No, I don’t think having sex right off the bat augurs poorly for a future relationship. Every relationship is different. There’s no set pattern you have to conform to. You like each other so much you can’t keep your hands off one another. Sounds good to me. Screw away, you two crazy kids.
And somewhat football related, I can’t decide what dish to make for my Draft party on Saturday. What are the Gay Mafia’s individual favs?
-Sad and sexless
Well, I like wings, of course. Maj likes pretzels. Uff likes chewing on desert sand. Punter snacks on mascarpone stoma candy. Ape feasts on bananas and self-loathing. And Flubby, as a Kentuckian, only snacks on horse jerky.
Yours in the comments.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, ksk fantasy sex advice mailbag, n*gga you smoke enough of that sherm yo ass will do a lotta thangs, WAH WAH MY LADY IS KINDA FAT
April 23rd, 2009 at 1:37 pm
I have a mailbag question of my own for you people.
whadda you mean, “you people”?
April 23rd, 2009 at 1:38 pm
a buddy of mine wife swapped with his best friend. now she’s preggers. DOH!
father’s day dinner party, anyone?
April 23rd, 2009 at 1:38 pm
@guy with pregnant chick:
Dear Lord, pregnant sex can be aMAZing. I used to wake my husband up in the middle of the night to do it. If she’s pregnant and loving it, keep doing it. Because, trust me, once that baby’s born, it’s over.
April 23rd, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Not a lesbian, but I have always envisioned a scenario fisting two pornstars ending with us running around yelling “Look at me, I’m Johnny Sluthands!”
April 23rd, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Prego sex is awesome, something about being prego made my wife super horny. Plus the boobs get bigger, there’s no “time of the month” and you don’t have to wear a rubber.
April 23rd, 2009 at 1:48 pm
“You smoke enough of that sherm and you be sucking niggas dicks”
Great movie scene. Lofty movie scene.
April 23rd, 2009 at 1:51 pm
To the guy that won’t eat puss, you are weird. Nothing gets the ladies warmed up for dick like some pre-fucking puss eating.
April 23rd, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Best mailbag ever? Best. Mailbag. Ever.
April 23rd, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Pretty sure they just scissor each other.
April 23rd, 2009 at 1:55 pm
The whole “you have to take a QB high if you don’t have one” mentality. The 49ers and Alex Smith don’t agree with that either.
April 23rd, 2009 at 1:56 pm
This really was a fantastic mailbag, Drew. I feel like one could potentially devote an entire blog to answering letters with, “GET DIVORCED ALREADY.”
Incidentally, “fisting” refers simply to the insertion of all five fingers into an orifice at once; the use of an actual “fist” (particularly an unlubed one) is neither required nor recommended.
April 23rd, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Ah, True Romance references make an blog post better. Best cameo ever? Best cameo ever. Unless the Walken scene qualifies as a cameo.
April 23rd, 2009 at 1:57 pm
Sounds like fmra speaks from experience.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:03 pm
Pregnant chicks are fuckin’ sexy.
The guy who slept with a virgin and doesn’t eat pussy? O/U on age: 20. And I’m taking the under.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:04 pm
And if I’m trying to make this guy my boyfriend should I shelf my urge to get tittiefucked for a later date?
There’s a lot of things which may hurt your chances of becoming his gf. I don’t think tittyfucking makes the list.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:04 pm
I always enjoy how not-enthusiastic dudes become when the idea of a threesome turns into a foursome, with their main squeeze getting nailed by another guy. Bringing another chick in – no problem, if only the uptight wife/girlfriend would agree. Bringing another guy in – oopsies, all of a sudden, he’s not as keen on the idea. I just think it’s funny.
RE: “I have a serious attachment issue with women. I hate my mom, have since the age of 10 or so… Also, I do whatever I can to get with attractive girls… but as soon as I get any kind of sexual, regardless of how great it is, I end up diving out of there like Cutler out of Denver.”
Um, isn’t this second part like a lot of guys? What does “serious attachment issue” mean? You hate women but you like fucking them? Again, unfortunately, not unlike a lot of dudes. As for hating your mom, maybe that’s justified, depending on how big a bitch she is. People think hating your mother is some indication of deep emotional problems, but I figure as long as you’re not killing hookers (or anyone, for that matter), mother hatred doesn’t always mean you’re fucked up.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:05 pm
“Get divorced already.” Great advice. Lofty advice. Better yet, don’t get married. Fucking pointless.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Bones : Do people who write into this mailbag ever read some of the answers that are given? No? I’ll repost an answer of mine from a few weeks back. If a women decides she’s not into you, SHE IS NOT INTO YOU. PERIOD. THE END. FIN. Nothing you do or say will EVER fucking change that. (One exception : Winning the lottery. Once you have 20 million bucks, suddenly they’re all over you.)
So why the fuck are you going to this chick’s fucking ART exhibition? She and her boyfriend probably were having a good old laugh at your expense. “Hey, let’s invite that dipship who’s got the hots for me, we can laugh at him!” “Teehee, sounds good babe!”
Tell her to fuck off and die if she ever talks to you again. Stop being a goddamn source of entertainment for this bitch. There ARE more hot women out there, one of whom might even be into you.
Forced Marriage Guy : You’re aware that the INS only requires you to stay married for TWO years before they can’t kick your ass out of the country anymore, right? So the way I see it, you’re now at “I’m cool!” +8. Get a fucking divorce.
Swinger dude : I’d have a REALLY long talk with your wife to see if there will be no jealous feelings about fucking another couple. It seems like fun now, while you’re (probably) both horny, but once you’ve fucked that horny feeling disappears and then the two of you have to sit there, watching each other across the dinner table, and neither of you can really help but feel that the other person got more fun than you did, and the other couple really fucked better, etc etc etc and before you know it you’ll hate each other.
(not speaking from experience).
Fetish girl dude : How hot is she? If she’s at least an 8, fucking dive in headfirst. Hot chicks who love kinky shit basically don’t exist outside porn, so if you found one, FUCKING KEEP IT! If you’re not into getting boned with a strap on, give in to a few other fetishes of hers, then tell her that one makes you uncomfortable, and move on to something else. Throat fuck her until she passes out or something. Let us know how it went a month from now (preferably with pictures!)
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:06 pm
I don’t really like eating pussy either, but I’m always willing to learn. Perhaps you are self-conscious about it and worry about doing a bad job. Good oralists aren’t born, they are made. Maybe if you became good at it you would like it more. I dunno. Find a good teacher. Good luck.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Preggo Sex: What’s there to be embarassed about? It’s not like your banging a fatty…she’s preggo! Screw your dick head roommate (i’d raise the fucking rent on that ass) and keep pounding that until D-Day.
Tittyfuck Girl: Wow, I think I might love you more than I love Claire…nah, not quite.
Snow: Wrong mailbag…that’s way to much Freudian shit for us, we just want to hear about you trying to convince someone to do anal…not about your mommy issues….we’re simple folk, really…
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:09 pm
@Dude with sexually ambitious chick,
I believe commentator Claire dropped the “seduce the ass” line on us a couple of times, and that street logically goes both ways. If you’re into it, have her start with some digital stimulation or a nice taint rub. Work your way up to a vibrator on the ass while she’s blowing you. If, after some light anal play, you see it’s something that you dig, then figure out if you are open-minded enough for the next level, but there’s no need to jump right in the deep end of the pool straight with pegging.
/Dan Savage
@Sad and Sexless,
Believe it or not, this dude may actually respect you, since you said that he’s your best guy friend. While that’s a good thing if you want to eventually have a relationship, the problem is that he hasn’t realized that in already being your friend, presumably for a long time, he can skip past all the “getting to know you rituals” with new lady friends and jump straight to the guilt-free fucking. It seems like you have girlfriend potential from this dude’s point of view, so I can see why he would be risk averse in terms of treating you as merely a sexual object. THAT’S DISRESPECT!
Best of luck, but as Big Daddy Balls said, once you show him that you are willing to proceed to the sex, comfortable that you have the friendship/respect aspects intact, he should be willing to roll with it. Best of luck, and please let the rest of us single guys know if you have any other like-minded friends.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:09 pm
See, Chasing Amy would indicate that for it to be fisting, you have to go up to the wrist.
/most I’ve ever given is four fingers.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:11 pm
The only thing that truly bugs me about my wife is that she doesn’t like receiving cunnilingus, which (i) I enjoy performing greatly; and (ii) is the only sexual maneuver that I’m really any good at.
So, I offer a hearty “fuck you” to the dipshit who won’t eat pussy. You don’t have any idea what you’re missing.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:14 pm
“Best cameo ever? Best cameo ever.”
Not sure that was a cameo. Pretty sure that was just plain old work for him at the time.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:14 pm
@Impersonal Jesus,
Agreed. Performing cunnilingus turns me on and I notice that most girlfriends are way more receptive and attentive to servicing my needs after it’s over.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:16 pm
@ Needs More Cheerleaders:
I guess I wasn’t that clear in the e-mail. We’re still friends because I got over her. No longer.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:16 pm
There’s no amount of talking in the world that will ensure no jealousy issues regarding a “swinging” experience. Frankly, it’s better never to admit that anyone you know (or even see on TV) is even a little bit attractive – much less actually fucking somebody.
Yeah, getting married means you stop fucking other people. It’s actually a better deal for men than women, since our libidos go down while the wives’ keep going up.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:16 pm
It took a second glance for me to catch the gag in the top picture. Score- though she’d be the one taking it, not giving it.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Scissor-me-timbers
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Hot chicks who love kinky shit ….who are not porn stars only leaves one option: strippers. Have all the fun you want with her, but be wary. My money is on her not being too interested in monogamy. Or there’s always the chance that she’s living out some fantasy via online/phone and has no intentions of ever doing any of this with you. All you said was “met”. Does that mean something already happened?
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:18 pm
This was the best mailbag ever.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:19 pm
@FMRA
Could you go on a bit more about this please? Maybe some slides or graphs for visial aides would be helpful
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:20 pm
The guy who won’t eat pussy: You are missing out. It is truly an artform. As long as she doesn’t smell like a McDonals dumpster.
Also, sex with a pregnant woman is out-fucking-standing. There is no other way to term it.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:22 pm
So wait, conjugal visits aren’t for real? What state are you in?
/loads gun
//shoots tv
Also, tittyfucking girl- This guy actually likes you. Congrats. You are the one person involved in this mailbag who is happy.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:24 pm
@tittyfucking girl
You need to write a book that is required reading for all women. God bless your heart and vagina.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:25 pm
To the guy that won’t eat pussy- have you tried 69?
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Ho Ho Ho! Christmas in April!
A draft Jamboroo? Fuck and yes.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:25 pm
“…if you want to fuck other people, don’t ever get fucking married.”
NOW you tell me?!
@SwingerDude- do. not. do. it. No matter how hot. Do. NOT. DO. IT.
@Non-Pussy-Eater — do you think women really love the taste of your cock? No – they* do it because they know it turns you on. Dive in, big fella. *Allegedly – I don’t actually get head anymore.
@Tittiefucking (Russian) girl – What size diamond ring do you wear?
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:26 pm
@Impersonal Jesus: I feel for you man. Definitely sucks when (in your eyes) a hot girl doesn’t like it. Rules out 69 too.
/Ugh, wallows in depression.
//Is 5 bottles of Jack a week too much?
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:28 pm
As far as fisting goes, I actually attempted this practice one time and almost got my fist in the girl. I don’t know why but I thought it would be interesting. I heard she was easy but that is ridiculous. After that, I had no desire to screw her. I was afraid my dick would fall off.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Throat Fucking: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Throat+fuck
“To thrust the penis inside a persons mouth and basically fucking the throat. It may induce vomiting.”
Sounds pleasant. I’ve always wanted to see some chick puke all over my cock.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:30 pm
On a side note, when I went back to my hometown I ran into the attempted fisting girl. If anyone is desperate, I’m sure she’s down for anything.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Arranged marriage, chained heat, preggo sluts, tittyfucking chicks, women haters and wife swapping! Woooo hooooo! This weeks’ mailbag is CONCRETE CYANIDE!
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:35 pm
150+ IQ, but she still can’t get past the “but I pee out of that, how can you put your mouth there” hangup. And yes, she will enthusiastically suck cock – and doesn’t see the inherent logical contradiction.
But at the end of the day, she puts up with alot more shit from me than I do from her. I imagine most marriages are that way, now that womenfolk go to work and all that good shit.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:36 pm
The contrast between “If anyone is desperate, I’m sure she’s down for anything” and “Hot chicks who love kinky shit ….who are not porn stars only leaves one option: strippers” never fails to amuse me. No wonder none of you fuckwits can form healthy sexual relationships. All women are either too slutty or not slutty enough for you. Have fun masturbating!
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:36 pm
Not sure that was a cameo. Pretty sure that was just plain old work for him at the time.
Yeah, if you go by what Tarantino said on the DVD extras of Jackie Brown, that role was what Samuel L. Jackson was doing when he wasn’t getting beat up on Spenser For Hire
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:37 pm
whooooooops there go the hormones
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:39 pm
“I sort of made it clear”
It’s this kind of bullshit that makes relationships suck. Did you make it clear? Clear is a term meaning ambiguity is gone from a situation. Either make it clear or don’t. You can’t sort of make something clear dammit!
/woke up thinking today was Friday. I’ve been like this all day.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:40 pm
@FMRA – way to catch yourself.
And a woman can never be too slutty… as long as she’s only with you.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Sex with Mrs. Bullet after she’d gotten herself knocked up was fucking awesome. If I could find someway to reproduce the effect without needing a buy one, get one card at Planned Parenthood, I would do that shit in a heartbeat.
There are still dudes who won’t eat out? Huh. This is like finding living dinosaur. Man, you are missing out. If pussy was fattening, I’d weigh 400lbs.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:41 pm
This mailbag defines clutch. Now on a serious note, how do I get in touch with little Miss Tittyfuck? It’s for a friend, really it is.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:42 pm
@FMRA – Thank you, Sybil.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:42 pm
FMRA must be upset with her future hubby growing out the 70’s mustache
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:43 pm
@rocco – 750mL or 1.75L?
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Hot chicks who love kinky shit basically don’t exist outside porn
Two Problems:
1. You think porn actresses like getting fucked all the time by stinky men with ugly dicks? I’ve watched a lot of porn, and all of the women fake interest at one time or another. If you paid me well enough, I’d feign interest in taking a dick in the ass. Porn and relationships are NOT analogous.
2. Or, the problem is that YOU, yes YOU, Mr. Tinypenis, don’t have the ability or desire to accomplish those “kinky” acts. How do you know what someone else’s desires are? Have you peered into the mind of a “normal” woman and discovered what they want sexually? Tis not contrary to reason to prefer missionary to Full Metal Jacket in a bathroom stall. Women may want the latter, but may give up hope when they realize none of the men around them can accomplish that goal. They don’t want to be instrumentally irrational, so they stick to missionary. In conclusion, don’t place all the blame on the woman. Maybe you suck.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:46 pm
@TB, “If pussy was fattening, I’d weigh 400lbs.” me too.
Vagina = “great taste, less filling”
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:46 pm
I dont understand men who wont eat pussy. The hours upon hours I invested in earning my Pussy Eating Degree have made me quite proficient, and I love doing it; making them cum over and over is quite the ego boost, if nothing else, and had often turned a somewhat prude girl into a raving sex lunatic. Which is awesome.
Forced Marriage Guy: I understand that divorce may not be an option for you, as it may be a cultural taboo for you (or your family), so Drew is right when he says to love the fatty you married. If you turn on the romance, buy her some flowers, etc, maybe she’ll be more “slutty” and more willing to get in shape.
I have a question of my own: Nicolas Cage is filming another one of his crap-fests on my block here in NYC; if I see him, how hard should I punch him, and where?
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:51 pm
“I have a question of my own: Nicolas Cage is filming another one of his crap-fests on my block here in NYC; if I see him, how hard should I punch him, and where?”
As hard as you can. And, um, in NYC, I guess.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:52 pm
I have a question for the Kommentariat. With all the UTI’s, vag warts, Fordyce spots, herp, fungii and other fun things floating around, how can you be so in favor of sticking your face and tongue into the breach? Or is there some means of protection? I too enjoyed it when I was married, but now, single again, I’m a little concerned.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Correction: apologies to “Needs More Cheerleaders”. Replace “Mr. Tinypenis” with “men”. I want to universalize the claim, not make an ad hominem attack.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:53 pm
@Jim U.: 1.0L
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:54 pm
@ fmra: Exactly, there are plenty of girls who like what they like and aren’t necessarily sluts/porn stars/strippers.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:54 pm
@LaFavre, just roll the dice. Although I did have a friend get a yeast infection in his mouth after eating some bad puss.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:54 pm
@Outshined one- No you don’t. It totally ruins the mood.
Also, I hope things work out for the best for Forced Marriage Guy. You really sound like a nice dude, and must have the patience of a saint. However, to quote Bob Schneider, “Big Butts and Blowjobs go together like instant replay and slow motion.”
and FMRA- we’re not all Rocco. You should’ve noticed this.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:54 pm
@ UU: Pussy — It’s Grrrrrrrrrreat!
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:58 pm
@UU
That has to be rare. You have to have the sense to know what pussy you are eating.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Pussy- The only pink meat.
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:03 pm
@CobraCommander: I agree, punch him as hard as you can. But make sure you’re wearing a bear suit when you do it.
I agree with many of the earlier comments – this was a wonderful mailbag. It was like a jumbo-size Christmas stocking filled with sexy goodness.
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:03 pm
@CVE, the best part of the story is that his dad is a gynecologist and was the one that told him it was a yeast infection.
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Turns out her “artwork” was pictures of her naked (great rack).
This counts as art now? Are they going to put Penthouse in the Louvre?
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:08 pm
@Mo: Whoa! Tongue in cheek, pal. Of course those kind of girls exist. The trick is finding the ones who will be wild, but just with you. Maybe I’m stereotyping, but if some chick is into fucking guys in the ass with a strap-on, I’m not guessing she’s interested in any sort of healthy, monogomous relationship. Maybe we just have different definitions of kinkiness.
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:09 pm
*monogamous
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:10 pm
Pussy. Taste the Rainbow.
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:10 pm
@UU
Define: irony.
@fmra- Please retract your claws. Thank you.
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Is there a prize for being the #69th commenter on the sex mail bag? Well there should be.
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Pussy- For food, folks and fun.
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Been married for 12 years, don’t remember how I drew the “pussy eating” line when I was single. Generally not a first date activity. Probably just acted without thinking, that worked out well in my early twenties.
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:13 pm
@UU
Yes, you win a “Proud to be STD free!” badge.
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:18 pm
@Rocco- No offense intended, dude, you were just the one that incited FMRA’s wrath.
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:19 pm
See, that’s where the Falcons misunderstood and thought you had to take a high QB if you don’t have one. It’s an easy mistake.
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Pregnant guy: Keep in mind that I go to great lengths never to breed, so take what I’m saying with a grain of salt: I don’t think you’re a terrible human, I just think it’s really weird. Think really hard about what made the sex with this girl so good. What was so special about it? Was it because she’s available? Was it because having sex with a pregnant woman is taboo, and using a pregnant woman–an icon of bounty and fertility–for sex is somehow subverting its iconography?
Sorry, I got a little Jezebel there. Moving on.
Unpronounceable-in-Boston: Get a divorce, because she deserves better than you. p.s. Fuck Brady, fuck Gisele, fuck Belichick, and fuck the Pats.
Bones: Candace Parker Secret Lover, is that you? Why would you even continue being friends with this girl if she shot you down? How many times did we tell you on DUAN: MOVE. ON. AND STOP BORING US WITH THIS SOB STORY.
headed-for-commune-living: If you swap with this other couple, you owe your wife a) the opportunity to get thoroughly railed by the other guy and b) the opportunity for her to watch you gay it up with the other guy. You want her to fool around with the other woman, right? You want to fuck the other wife, yeah? Tit for tat. Does that prospect fill you with fear? Then don’t swap.
Throat fuckin’ strap-on guy: Finally, a mailbag contributor who realizes that a little backdoor action is a fun change of pace. Thank you, Orange Julius Page, for remembering my “seduce the ass” advice. You don’t have to bend over and take her eight inches all at once. If she knows what she’s doing back there (and if she owns a strap-on, she probably does) she knows that even though you’re the bottom, you’re in charge. AND DON’T FORGET LUBE!
No, Thanks, I’m Full: Dude, what’s wrong with you?! Everybody likes to eat pussy. I like to eat pussy. Actually, let me ask you this in all seriousness: Are you Italian-American?
I’m not answering the prison letter because I think it’s fake.
Snow: I got nothin’. If I could answer that question, I’d be charging $250 for 50 minutes of my time.
Sad and sexless: I tried to make the sex first, then relationship thing work once, and it failed spectacularly, and I was brokenhearted over it. I thought it’d be just a quick zipless fuck and it turned out I really liked the guy even when we weren’t in bed. We did it all wrong: We met at a party, I went home with him that night, we went on a real date a few months later, he told me he liked me and then I never heard from him again. There’s something to be said for following the boring traditional path of courtship. But if you’re both seriously horny and he really wants to woo you, you could tell him something like, “If you’re so set on being all traditional, how about you take me out for a nice sushi dinner and a movie, and then we fuck our brains out afterward?”
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:21 pm
@IJ – get yourself nice and liquored and then lick away. If you aren’t experienced, you aren’t going to be very good at it anyway, so being drunk is A-Ok.
Then, go back for seconds the next day, sober, and work on your technique.
If after two attempts you still aren’t into it, so be it.
Chicks (even wives) really appreciate guys who eat box.
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:23 pm
@rocco – You’re still an alcoholic, but at least you’re probably a functioning alcoholic.
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Clare: Why the Italian-American question??
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:26 pm
@Fear: I was on board with you through all your comments up until that last sentence. Not exactly true.
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:26 pm
@Clare, seriously WTF? Why the Italian-American question? This Ital-American loves eating at the Y.
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:27 pm
@Clare:
“No, Thanks, I’m Full: Dude, what’s wrong with you?! Everybody likes to eat pussy. I like to eat pussy. Actually, let me ask you this in all seriousness: Are you Italian-American? ”
Us Eye-tal-yens LOVE to eat pussy. You need to check your dates’ pedigrees better.
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:28 pm
The prison letter is real. Do i wish it was fake? Hell yes I would, but it’s not. Thanks KSK for answering
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:30 pm
@Jim U.: In case you’re worried, I don’t really drink 5 bottles of whiskey a week.
/crickets
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Clare: HAHA! WopFlaWa?!
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:34 pm
@UU & Fear
I am also in agreement with you. THIS guinea loves the bird.
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:36 pm
@Rick – sorry to hear that. Did you know about her “darkside” before you all got married/attached? Or did something happen in your lives that made her feel that was her only option? If she’s just a lifetime felon, you should probably let her go. Leopards. Spots. Etc…
If she made one terrible judgement…. Maybe see what happens when she gets out. If you tell her that you are planning on getting some strang(er) while she’s in the pokey, it’s better than NOT telling her. I guess. I really don’t know. I’ve never been with a woman in prison. Good luck?
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:36 pm
@CVE, UU, FTB, Mo Charlo: I’ve met more than a few Italian guys who don’t like to go downtown, because they feel that to go down on a woman is somehow unmasculine. This is why I like to date WASPs. And p.s., I can ask that question because I AM Italian. So dial back the outrage, guys.
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:38 pm
I’m Irish, I just like making fun of Italians.
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Well Clare that’s one I’ve never heard of. I’ve got lots of wop friends and being 100% wop lots of wop cousins and uncles and they all love eating puss.
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:41 pm
@Clare- – fair enough.
Are you sure they aren’t Greeks posing as Italians?
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:41 pm
@Clare
Are you one of those girls who hang out with the Main Line Villanova types around here? Please say no. I cannot believe the backing of that statement is it’s unmasculine. If anything, it’s very masculine to give your woman pleasure.
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Eating puss shrouded in shrubbery can be awful, it’s not a universal kind of thing.
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:43 pm
@UU
That’s what I’m saying. A few bad Dago’s give us a bad rap.
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:43 pm
@Clare: I think it just sounds like you got that from an episode of The Sopranos, that’s all. No outrage here.
@Rick: Speaking of that, I’d suggest divorce. My ex commited a felony (after our separation), and it really shouldn’t have surprised me. That type of person will never change. It’ll likely be one bad decision after another.
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:44 pm
whoa, never ever ever dive into the void on some random one night skank. it is one thing to eat out your girlfriend or wife, but i’ll never ever stick my face into the crotch of some chick i just picked up in a bar. no way, no how.
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:44 pm
@Clare- just call me Chip Weatherton IV, is what I’m saying.
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:46 pm
@Rocco – the only felony your ex committed was stealing our collective hearts.
/I kid
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:50 pm
@ Clare: What you need to do is quit fuckin’ round with dem white boys and get down with the brown. Ya heard?
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:50 pm
@UU: I’m so glad to know that about your family.
@CVE: Whoa…is it that obvious? That’s freakishly perceptive…I went to school in Bryn Mawr from kindergarten through 12th grade. But I grew up in Delco, and I never hung out on the Main Line much (which dwindled to nothing after I graduated high school and went to college elsewhere).
@Rocco: I knew that to be the case before that episode of The Sopranos.
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:52 pm
@Clare, a lot of them are single let me know if you want me to hook you up.
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:58 pm
The problem with dating someone kinkier than you are is that they’ll push your boundaries to the point where you either become as kinky as them, or you freak out and stop seeing them. I dated a girl that was really into S&M, like leaving bruises and drawing blood and shit. I mean, I’ll slap a girl’s ass and pull her hair, but she was really looking for me to beat the hell out of her, and that just wasn’t something I was comfortable with. Moral of the story: a little kinkier than you is fine, but a lot more kinkier than you is risky.
Also, courtship is a prelude to sex. Once you’ve had sex, there’s no need for courtship.
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:01 pm
@Clare:
I too, am a Philly native. Your love for Harry the K is obvious. You said WASP’s, WASP’s= Main Line, Society Hill, Rittenhouse etc.
/Bonus points for you if you hate “Wheels”.
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:02 pm
@FearTheBuzzsaw,
Us Greeks love munching the box as much as our Italian cousins.
/Mediterranean solidarity
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:04 pm
I’m so late to this sexy party. Stupid meetings!
Rick – I know someone, an acquaintence, that only had to wait 7 months for his wife to get out of the clink. She had 3 drunk driving convictions. He waited for her patiently and was faithful. She filed for divorce within a month of being released. I know every situation is different, but I can’t help but wonder how different the settlement would have been had he filed while she was in the pokey.
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:10 pm
@ FearTheBuzzSaw – the closest to a woman in prison was a chick who was born into a gang.. and i broke up with her right away for fear of gettin in too deep – i’m not risking my life for a chance at love… fuck that
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:11 pm
These pretzels are making me thirsty.
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Totally unrelated:
I found Hines Walds rewatives; 1st picture
http://lookatthisfuckinghipster.tumblr.com/
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Barefoot: If she wants it and likes it and so do you, then keep at it. And punch your roommate.
Unpronounceable: If you want out, get out. You’ve got a great reason for not just divorce, but annullment.
Bones: Honestly, WTF?! She’s directly SHOT YOUR ASS DOWN! She stiff-armed you like she was MBIII and you’re going to her art show???!!
Headed-For: Don’t do it. Whenever you imagine nailing that hot wife next door, follow it up with the image of your wife getting plowed by her husband. Not as fun, huh?
Non-Rug Muncher: Tell her what you’re into and what you’re not. And seriously, why do girls want to go down the Hershey Highway on us?! Oh and learn to eat at the Y!
Prison Wife: So you want to cheat on a woman who’s going to come out trained on how to shiv/shank another person? Good luck with that.
Snow: See a shrink. You’re likely headed for being the old guy at the club or a serial killer.
Sad and Sexless: I just hope you are helping your friends on how to land and keep a guy. As for the dude, if he shoots you down…he’s an idiot.
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:23 pm
I love eating pussy. It is so choice. If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up.
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:26 pm
@ Bones,
Good man. Plenty of women just LOVE making you dangle by a thread and let you believe there’s a sliver of hope for you, because they know guys will jump through hoops to satisfy every single goddamn one of their whims. And while you’re walking her fucking dog, she’s off fucking some emo shithead with greasy, unwashed hair because she just can’t resist his “animal magnetism” or some fucking bullshit like that.
If you’re interested in a girl and she’s not, move the fuck on. Don’t be friends, don’t hang around, just plain LEAVE. (if a chick is just plain cool and you want to be friends with her, fine. But don’t be friends just because you hope it’ll turn into something later. It WON’T.)
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:31 pm
No wonder none of you fuckwits can form healthy sexual relationships. All women are either too slutty or not slutty enough for you. Have fun masturbating!
Wow, someone is angry today!
And you’re being ridiculous FMRA. There is no such thing as a woman who is “too slutty.”
The guys here who complain about women being too slutty just haven’t admitted they’re gay yet.
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:31 pm
+10, NMC.
Sadly, that’s a lesson many of us learn the hard way.
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:36 pm
@ Raskolnikov,
You think porn actresses like getting fucked all the time by stinky men with ugly dicks?
Way to not get the point there, genius.
2. Or, the problem is that YOU, yes YOU, Mr. Tinypenis, don’t have the ability or desire to accomplish those “kinky” acts. How do you know what someone else’s desires are? Have you peered into the mind of a “normal” woman and discovered what they want sexually? Tis not contrary to reason to prefer missionary to Full Metal Jacket in a bathroom stall. Women may want the latter, but may give up hope when they realize none of the men around them can accomplish that goal. They don’t want to be instrumentally irrational, so they stick to missionary. In conclusion, don’t place all the blame on the woman. Maybe you suck.
Awesome. It seems like Angry Woman day today on the Mailbag. Do tell me you’re a woman, and not a guy, because if you’re a guy, you’re actually fucking gayer than the RAWKSTAH from last week.
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Hey Guys,
I was hoping something more satisfying than “Divorce Her” and the comments did provide.
@Clare: guess we both deserve better, but really, why the hate ? After all, I was asking for advice on a problem that is rather mundane, and one that has been brought up, in one form or another, ad nauseum, on this website. Are you by any chance an Oakland fan ?
@CobraCommander : Great suggestion. I do neglect my duties in the romance department. Flowers for Manjula !
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:41 pm
NMC FTW!
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:41 pm
Did all of you guys marry virgins or some shit? Your woman has been fucked rotten by a lot of guys before you (or at least a few). Is there really that HUGE a difference when she gets it while you’re together? You get another pussy right? Unless the guy is going to leave noticeable traces of his presence (hello STD’s or abnormal stretching) swap away and then wait couple of days to resume normal sexual activity. If you’re that scared, you can do a private swap first, where you don’t fuck each other in the same room. You jealous types may not want to go for that, as you’d like to “keep and eye” on the activities.
/obviously not married
//unless I am!
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:41 pm
Well, I didn’t figure that I would get a straight answer other than see a shrink, but I was hoping for a bit more on the Football question. But I guess my attachment issue should at least be elaborated on, but i wanted to keep it short and sweet to get published:
I don’t have a problem getting women, it’s keeping them around. I try my best not to open my mouth unless i’m 95% certain i’m right. Women don’t have that feature. Not to mention I only see to those wrongs, not the rights in a woman. Idk, maybe I just need a girl that will beat me into a relationship? Fuck it.
And FYI: last name is snow, hence: the name. Im not eminem. I’d love to be Eminem though. I’d take jokes about my songs any day of the week if you give me the kind of money he’s got. I could buy love with that kind of cash.
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:43 pm
@Snow
Sex. The word you’re looking for is sex. You could buy sex with that kind of cash.
/really don’t need that much to buy it anyway
//check craig’s list
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Women can ONLY be slutty at specific times.
1. Your mom fucking someone other than your dad.
2. Your wife/GF fucking someone other than you.
However if your wife fucks your dad–deal with it.
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:47 pm
From personal experience and those of others, most guys don’t mind going down and that’s not a blanket statement but pretty damn close. I don’t exactly like making out with a beard down there, so I kind of draw the line there. My shaft doesn’t have hair [directly] on it, and I keep my balls clean so you’re not getting pubes in your mouth from there either, so is it really too much to ask for a girl to return the favor?
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:47 pm
I try my best not to open my mouth unless i’m 95% certain i’m right. Women don’t have that feature.
And this may be why they don’t hang around too much. Word to the wise: NO ONE likes to be told they’re wrong…even when they are.
It’s in your best interests to ensure the procurer of your poon is happy. She ain’t happy when you Mutombo her answers back at her. They just take their poon and go home — leaving you to play with yourself.
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:49 pm
“Did all of you guys marry virgins or some shit? Your woman has been fucked rotten by a lot of guys before you (or at least a few). Is there really that HUGE a difference when she gets it while you’re together?”
Yes. Now go back to Holy Cross.
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:50 pm
“She ain’t happy when you Mutombo her answers back at her. They just take their poon and go home”
THAT’S a great line right there.
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:50 pm
@Snow – are you always leaving the relationships? Them always bolting? Nearly equal? How old are you?
If you are bolting, you have no option but to see a professional, because its definitely something rooted in your issues with your mom.
If they bolt, maybe you’re just not a good boyfriend? (Not trying to be a dick but…)
If it’s 50/50ish then maybe there really isn’t that much wrong and you just haven’t found a good long term GF or wife-material.
Therapy is nothing to be scared of, FYI. It’s pretty easy to talk to someone you don’t have an emotional attachment with. Which is why we all come here to play armchair Psychologist and fuck with each other, right?
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:51 pm
The problem with dating someone kinkier than you are is that they’ll push your boundaries to the point where you either become as kinky as them, or you freak out and stop seeing them. I dated a girl that was really into S&M, like leaving bruises and drawing blood and shit. I mean, I’ll slap a girl’s ass and pull her hair, but she was really looking for me to beat the hell out of her, and that just wasn’t something I was comfortable with. Moral of the story: a little kinkier than you is fine, but a lot more kinkier than you is risky.
@ Monkey Business,
I’m not sure I really agree on the idea that it is risky. I think everyone has their limits where kinky is concerned, but I doubt those limits really shift all that much. If a girl who is kinkier than you encourages you to be just as kinky as her, did you get more kinky, or were you actually already this kinky and it just took some help for you to see it?
Nobody should ever do something they’re uncomfortable with, so like you said, if she asks you to beat her senseless and you don’t want to do that, then don’t. And if that’s a deal breaker, then it’s a deal breaker. People who are into extremely kinky things will either bury their more extreme desires, or they’ll find someone who is of the same mind as they are. If you’ve got an ounce of willpower, I’m not sure I see the “it’s risky” bit.
Hot girl who is kinky? Date her and see how far her kink goes. Way too many people settle for someone who is a lot less kinky than they are, and they get frustrated later in live because they need those kinks fulfilled and aren’t getting it from their current partner.
In all seriousness, since it seems some people don’t understand posts that are exaggerated by design, of course there are hot girls who are extremely kinky. All I’m saying is that they’re rare enough that if you DO find one, make damn sure to check your compatibility for letting her go!
/big fan of kink.
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:57 pm
It’s in your best interests to ensure the procurer of your poon is happy. She ain’t happy when you Mutombo her answers back at her. They just take their poon and go home — leaving you to play with yourself.
That nearly made me piss myself. Classic!
RB’s P won today’s mailbag.
April 23rd, 2009 at 5:02 pm
RE Snow Says: “I don’t have a problem getting women, it’s keeping them around. I try my best not to open my mouth unless i’m 95% certain i’m right. Women don’t have that feature…”
Most women don’t, sure. But that doesn’t seem to be a dealbreaker for most guys, as long as they’re getting laid. Don’t worry, I’m sure there’s a perfect dysfunctional chick out there for you, you just gotta keep on pluggin’ (so to speak).
April 23rd, 2009 at 5:03 pm
@Bones: I absolutely agree with what everyone has been saying – cut her out of your life and move the fuck on. That said, I want to share my own experience. After granting me a makeout session our freshman year, this girl kept me at arm’s length for ten years. Ten. Along the while she’d put me through occasional torment (i.e. I’m going to invite you to get drunk and spend the night at my house but freak the fuck out if you lay your hands on me) and I’d like to claim that I maintained by dignity and self-respect throughout, but I’d be full of shit. Finally, at the end of this purgatory, we both got stuck in DC for a summer, she relented, and proceeded to fuck my brains out every afternoon until I moved to California. So I guess my point is that every once in a while, these things DO have happy endings. Don’t compromise yourself by jumping through hoops for this girl, but there’s no need to burn bridges either. You never know what the future holds.
@headed-for-commune-living: I think KD’s185 is onto something here. You can do a little test run to see if the jealousy is going to eat you alive – find a pretext to meet one of your wife’s ex-boyfriends. If meeting a guy you know banged your wife doesn’t faze you too much, you can probably handle the swap. If not, forget it.
April 23rd, 2009 at 5:04 pm
@ Reggie Bush’s Pimp
“It’s in your best interests to ensure the procurer of your poon is happy. She ain’t happy when you Mutombo her answers back at her. They just take their poon and go home — leaving you to play with yourself.”
Dear god, i almost shat myself reading that. good stuff man.
@FeartheBuzzsaw
Its about 75-25, leaning towards me breaking it off a lot. Im only 19, but I have a great deal of knowledge about having to be older than you really are and what it takes to survive. I usually let bullshit slide when girls fuck up what they’re saying, but when they go haywire and start crying about something that is pointless ALL THE TIME: i can’t take it. As crazy as it may seem, I actually counsel a lot of people that i know with their problems and seem to provide pretty good results. I think that’s what has led to my self-consciousness about kicking girls to the curb a lot.
April 23rd, 2009 at 5:06 pm
I don’t have a problem getting women, it’s keeping them around. I try my best not to open my mouth unless i’m 95% certain i’m right. Women don’t have that feature. Not to mention I only see to those wrongs, not the rights in a woman. Idk, maybe I just need a girl that will beat me into a relationship? Fuck it.
I’m like Dr fucking Phil today.
@ Snow,
Not ALL women tend to want to have the last word, perhaps that’s just the type you find yourself attracted to? If it annoys the shit out of you, tell her “You’re right,” and walk away when she keeps doing it. She’ll either shut up or get supremely pissed off. If the latter, break up with her because that just sucks. If she shuts up, remember the option next time an argument isn’t going anywhere and she’s just repeating herself. Seriously, is it worth it to “win” the discussion?
I use it to great effect. “Sure honey, you’re right.”
Immediate peace and quiet.
As far as only seeing the wrongs and not the rights, that’s definitely a problem with YOU, not the woman. Unless you’re dating some extremely shitty women, most women have far more that’s right with them (boobies!!!) than wrong. If you are truly incapable of seeing that, then the solution really IS : see a shrink. Because that’s terribly unhealthy and won’t ever let you have a good relationship. Talk with someone about it.
And by someone I mean someone who can actually HELP, not us bunch of wannabe sexperts here on this frigging blog.
April 23rd, 2009 at 5:06 pm
@ Slash
I was thinking that myself. Maybe I need someone so fucked up that I’m just awed by her and have to love her. But a fucking harelip clubfoot with severe retardation isn’t what i’m goin for. she’d have to be smokin, but perhaps you’re right.
April 23rd, 2009 at 5:09 pm
@ Needs More Cheerleaders
I have been shallow and gotten with a decent amount of women who are hott as fuck but have nothing going for them other than that. So that doesn’t help the situation much. But as for winning the argument: I don’t try to really. I let shit go a lot, especially if they aren’t moving anywhere. If it’s something totally crazy though like matt millen management crazy: i have to put my foot down.
April 23rd, 2009 at 5:13 pm
we both got stuck in DC for a summer, she relented, and proceeded to fuck my brains out every afternoon until I moved to California. So I guess my point is that every once in a while, these things DO have happy endings. </I.
@ Zack,
Are you married / together with her now? I’m not quite sure because of the “until I moved to California” line. Did you move TO her or away from her?
If all you two did was fuck while you were both bored and stuck in DC, how is that a happy ending? You waited ten fucking years for that? Unless the girl you’re talking about is Megan Fox, I’m not sure that guys see ten years of shit as a worthwhile tradeoff for one summer of poon.
You could have had ten summers of poon while you were pining for this chick.
Don’t do it guys. Save yourselves the fucking agony.
April 23rd, 2009 at 5:15 pm
my HTML-Fu is as strong as ever, I see.
April 23rd, 2009 at 5:18 pm
I’m going to respectfully disagree with Reggie Bush’s Pimp. I don’t think you should have to kiss ass to get laid, at least not until after you’re married.
And I don’t understand the Mutombo reference. But sometimes I’m slow…
April 23rd, 2009 at 5:29 pm
To Mutumbo something would be to reject it back in their face.
April 23rd, 2009 at 5:31 pm
@Slash
Dikembe Mutumbo is a (probably now retired due to injury) basketball player notable for blocking shots then fingerwaving. Rejection of the highest form.
/The More You Know!
April 23rd, 2009 at 5:31 pm
@Slash,
Mutumbo would viciously block a shot and then get in somebody’s face and wag his finger as if to say “No! Get that garbage out of here.” I read it as an analogy to shooting down somebody else’s arguments in a passive aggressive or disdainful manner.
April 23rd, 2009 at 5:32 pm
Wow, Mutumbo blog in full force today. Well played, dudes.
April 23rd, 2009 at 5:35 pm
@Slash
To be fair, Mutumbo has also done a lot of charity work here in the U.S. and his home country in Africa, opening a hospital in Kinsasha. He was awarded some honorary doctorate too, so he’s famous for much more than basketball.
/Surprised I know that much about him
April 23rd, 2009 at 5:35 pm
I’m going to respectfully disagree with Reggie Bush’s Pimp. I don’t think you should have to kiss ass to get laid, at least not until after you’re married.
Oh, I didn’t say “kiss ass”. I’m saying that if you have a belief that you are 95% right whenever you speak and have no problems in expressing it to your significant other, you are going to find a relationship difficult. Because no one wants to live with someone who is never wrong — whether that’s true or not.
Snow wasn’t referring to getting laid (I don’t think) but how to build a relationship.
And I don’t understand the Mutombo reference. But sometimes I’m slow…
Dikembe Mutombo, former Center for a number of NBA teams. Notorious for blocking shots and then wagging his finger at the person who’d foolishly tried to score on him.
April 23rd, 2009 at 5:36 pm
@Needs More Cheerleaders:
Nope. I moved to California for a job (we crossed paths in DC because I was repatriating after being in South Africa for three years and she was getting her life back together after a failed engagement in Atlanta). She wouldn’t come west with me so we limped along for a while and eventually split up. Okay, so maybe it wasn’t a “happy” ending (though she was Asian…) but definitely time well spent.
It’s not like I sat around pining for her for ten years – I moved on with my life (as I strongly recommend Bones ought to do – dude if this girl is your reason for hanging around your college city you need to set fire to your apartment and MOVE AWAY immediately). After college we didn’t even see each other for years at a time. My point (which I reached in a very poor
reacharoundroundabout fashion was that it might be worth it to maintain a limited degree of contact. It was certainly worth it for me, that girl was really fantastic in bed.April 23rd, 2009 at 5:36 pm
to pile on: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qExa6gKGG14
April 23rd, 2009 at 5:37 pm
We should probably talk about football or sex or something, lest this become a Mutumbo blog. Where is kommentor Who Will Sex Mutumbo? He would love this. (could be a she.)
April 23rd, 2009 at 5:38 pm
Slash no want to sex Mutombo?
April 23rd, 2009 at 5:40 pm
We could ask sad and sexless if she’s ever thought of tittief–king Mutombo….just a thought….
April 23rd, 2009 at 5:44 pm
You think Mutombo is into the kinky stuff? You think he wags that finger in other ways? Who do you think Mutombo has on his FF team?
\joins the guy from Fannie Mae
April 23rd, 2009 at 5:49 pm
I have been shallow and gotten with a decent amount of women who are hott as fuck but have nothing going for them other than that. So that doesn’t help the situation much
No, it doesn’t. The weird thing is that I think most hot women really aren’t all that shallow, but just they pretend to be because society expects them to, or something. But yeah, it’s definitely the type of women you’re dating. Try dating an 8 who’s a cute, sweet girl rather than a 9 with a severe case of “I will prove to you how fucking smart women are!”
If it’s something totally crazy though like matt millen management crazy: i have to put my foot down.
But why, really? I mean, obviously you’re dating the wrong kind of women, but why bother with putting your foot down? I guess maybe that’s just a young people thing. I used to argue with women until my fucking heart burst when I was your age. As you grow older, you realize just what a waste of fucking time it is. (in the case of silly arguments. If you’re arguing over something important or serious, like, whether you should move out of your current apartment because she was carrying groceries up the stairs and got robbed by a homeless guy with a shiv, then yeah, don’t use the “Sure honey”-Walk away bit.)
April 23rd, 2009 at 5:52 pm
great, so a mailbag about preggers sex, right before i am supposed to meet up for dinner with my cousin, who is 8 months pregnant.
/buys flowers
April 23rd, 2009 at 5:53 pm
If it’s something totally crazy though like matt millen management crazy: i have to put my foot down.
Why are you spending time arguing when it could be spent with her upside down and you on top of the dresser ready to play Batman?
April 23rd, 2009 at 5:55 pm
that it might be worth it to maintain a limited degree of contact. It was certainly worth it for me, that girl was really fantastic in bed.
Meh, in your case limited contact was “I happened to run into her every few years or so,” right? There’s no problem with saying Hi to someone, but you’re probably a very, very rare occurence of that happening.
@ sdbruin
Mutombo looks like the kind of guy who is one of those extremely kinky motherfuckers.
April 23rd, 2009 at 5:55 pm
@NMC,
I Agree 100%
April 23rd, 2009 at 5:59 pm
Pregnant sex is awesome, especially with the increased size to the breasts.
The problem is engaging in it. My wife had horrible morning sickness, so we engaged in sex less often. But when it happened, she had those enormous pregnant titters for my amusement.
April 23rd, 2009 at 6:00 pm
How much is too kinky? I like to use this rule of thumb: kinky is when she uses a feather. Perversion is when she uses the whole chicken.
/The old ones never go out style
April 23rd, 2009 at 6:10 pm
RE Snow Says:
“I was thinking that myself. Maybe I need someone so fucked up that I’m just awed by her and have to love her… she’d have to be smokin, but perhaps you’re right.”
K, now that I know you’re only 19 (if you’re telling the truth), I’m tempted to say stop overthinking it and I’m amazed that any 19-year-old can stand the company of any of their peers for more than a few weeks. I’m guessing that’s how long it takes for the sex to start to get kinda stale and no longer be worth putting up with the bullshit. Actually, I’d say that should go for anyone of any age, but esp. college-age. You seem surprised that you constantly run into insufferable bitches. I’d be amazed if you didn’t. Not that you can’t also be insufferable, I’ve noticed it’s a common trait of college-age people. Old enough to do grownup stuff, so now they think they’ve seen it all, like that arrogant tool we all piled on earlier this week (or was it last week?). Seriously, you’re only 19. I think it’s a little premature to be declaring yourself dead inside just because you can’t stand most of the girls you encounter. I can’t stand most women, and I am one.
I also agree that 10 years is an awfully long time to wait to finally get to fuck someone. Unless she’s Marissa Miller or Heidi Klum.
April 23rd, 2009 at 6:13 pm
@ NMC
I agree. Except, it might just be one of the cultural/ritualistic things with Dikembe, like when they implant that giant frisbee in their bottom lip. Is it kinky, or just, “this is what we do in Africa when we turn 15?” Perhaps getting “Mutombo’ed” means something different to Mutombo! So many Dikembe questions to ponder…
April 23rd, 2009 at 6:15 pm
Slash, pretty sure Mutumbo has an 18″ cock. So I thought “Mutumbo her” meant something a little different. Sadly, I’ve never been able to Mutumbo a women.
April 23rd, 2009 at 6:29 pm
K, thanks for the Mutombo info. Learn something new every day.
RE Reggie Bush’s Pimp Says:
“Oh, I didn’t say ‘kiss ass.’ I’m saying that if you have a belief that you are 95% right whenever you speak and have no problems in expressing it to your significant other, you are going to find a relationship difficult. Because no one wants to live with someone who is never wrong — whether that’s true or not.”
Sure. Sorry, didn’t mean to rephrase your comment. I just have seen lots of dudes suffering a lot of bullshit just to keep getting ass from their girlfriends. I think that’s a bad long-term strategy. And yeah, nobody likes a know-it-all. Of either gender.
April 23rd, 2009 at 6:31 pm
Unpronouncable: And after you divroce your wife, please send her my way. Chubby women are my thing, especially if they’re of the conservative type.
April 23rd, 2009 at 6:50 pm
Snow —
1) Why are you arguing with women? We’re always right.
2) Set aside the whole Freudian therapy/ tell-me-about-your-mother stuff. [Sometimes a mother is just a mother.] Look at your problem in a behavioral way. If you can manage to spend a few hours with a girl, maybe soon you can manage to stick with her long enough to make her breakfast? See if it doesn’t get easier. Maybe with the next one you’ll make it to lunch.
3)Im only 19, but I have a great deal of knowledge about having to be older than you really are and what it takes to survive.
Those of us over the age of 30 are wetting our Depends laughing at that statement.
April 23rd, 2009 at 7:18 pm
So my wife and I are an inter-racial couple who married for love. Her culture promotes the whole arranged marriage thing (so you can only imagine how popular I am). With that said, I have seen a lot of successful arranged marriages work out. In fact, they have a much lower divorce rate than those who marry for love. Arranged marriages also allows you to not go through all the bullshit that people go through when you look for love. Furthermore, despite the notion, marrying for love has truly been possible for the past 100 years or so (thank you very much, industrial revolution). Honestly, arranged marriages aren’t all that bad.
With that said, depending on the culture, divorce could literally mean death for both arranged marriage guy and his wife. Seriously, there has been many deaths the past two or so years where couples in Canada and America have been killed after they were seeking divorce. So to say “divorce the fat cow,” might just be a really, stupid fucking idea.
Arranged marriage guy should explain to his wife, her wifely duties. Talk to her parents. I’m sure her mom will have no problem reminding her daughter she is over=weight, and her wifely duties. As long as arranged marriage guy isn’t a fatty himself, he does have a valid argument.
April 23rd, 2009 at 7:36 pm
“And what octane fuel would you recommend that would best incinerate my Portis, Plummer, and Cutlerfucker jerseys? ” Turn it on yourself pally, what adult in their right mind would own three NFL jerseys all at once, and on of Jake the Snake for Chrisssssake.
April 23rd, 2009 at 8:35 pm
“With that said, depending on the culture, divorce could literally mean death for both arranged marriage guy and his wife. Seriously, there has been many deaths the past two or so years where couples in Canada and America have been killed after they were seeking divorce.”
That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard. We don’t get everything right in America, but we’re definitely more advanced than this shit.
April 23rd, 2009 at 8:37 pm
Clare, would women really want their husbands to hook up while wife-swapping? I can’t imagine this to be the case, but I guess it’s possible. Also, from my single days, if you get a fucked up rank stench while fingerbanging a girl before sex, run for the hills. Nothing good can come from it. Heh, heh, I said some from it.
April 23rd, 2009 at 8:39 pm
The reason arranged marriages “work out” is because you’ve got to be a brainwashed religious fanatic to agree to the idea in the first place. I would think here in America would be a tough place to stay in an arranged marriage, but what the fuck do I know?
April 23rd, 2009 at 9:14 pm
Sure. Sorry, didn’t mean to rephrase your comment. I just have seen lots of dudes suffering a lot of bullshit just to keep getting ass from their girlfriends. I think that’s a bad long-term strategy. And yeah, nobody likes a know-it-all. Of either gender.
No doubt. Just as being an unsufferable prick is bad being a wet bag of emo-capitulation is too.
April 23rd, 2009 at 9:14 pm
Greetings Kommentors! Mr. Non-Pussy Eater Here.
holy shit, i had no idea so many dudes really fucking love to eat pussy. what can i say? i’ve fucked quite a bit of girls and, when presented with the puss, never thought “daaayum, i want to gobble that shit up.” it’s always been, “i want to stick my dick in there.” it just really does nothing for me. it doesn’t gross me out or anything stupid like that. it’s just “meh.” i even tend to skip the pussy-eating segments of porn. i do, however, loooove to get my dick sucked. is that hypocritical?
for the ksk ladies, do girls enjoy sucking dick as much as all these fuckers enjoy eating pussy? just curious.
regardless, the overwhelming support in these comments for cunnilingus is making me reconsider. i’ll give it a shot. maybe i really am missing out…
April 23rd, 2009 at 9:17 pm
Hmmm I guess I wasn’t clear enough. We’re still friends and I don’t wanna fuck her anymore. Reflecting (what a pussy thing to do) on the whole situation brought to my eyes the fact that she’s actually not the brightest and if I had hooked up with her I would’ve been miserable. Plus I fucking hate new-age art. We were still friends because I’m not the kind of guy to tell someone to fuck off after they shoot me down. Sorry, I’m not an asshole. But her purposefully inviting me to this show just pissed me off. So to clarify:
1) I didn’t want to fuck her.
2) Even so it was still awkward and very fucking bitchtastic of her
3) Still looking for ideas on how to get a laugh out of it where said laugh is not at my expense.
April 23rd, 2009 at 10:34 pm
@ NMC
silly arguments slide just about every time with me. my mantra is “don’t cry over spilled milk”. clean it up and move on. that’s it. but if we’re talking about intentionally kicking a gas can over onto my sports memorabilia and throwing down a lit cigarette: that’s what i meant by the whole “matt millen crazy” thing.
but yeah, the 8 who isn’t a headstrong cunt might be a winner. good call there.
@ Slash
i know i haven’t seen everything the world has to offer, but i know a lot more than most people my age (see my comment to mamacita). at the same time i do realize that most girls my age are uncontrollable and mostly intolerable. i guess i feel ridiculous because i find it impossible that i can’t find a single girl that i can stand for over a year.
@ mamacita
as for my behavioral problems: i am the one that wants to hang out and spend time together. they want to talk on the phone for hours on end. that’s definitely something having to do with the age group that the girls are in. but still.
idk, maybe it’s the years of home abuse, taking care of my younger AND older siblings, or living on my own for 3 years that makes me feel more worldly? could be somewhere along those lines. not to mention about a year ago i found out that i was semi-adopted. like i never knew my real dad and didnt know that my “dad” wasnt my biological father. not to mention i don’t drink, do drugs, or really blow money on retarded shit. im pretty simple.
and another thing mamacita: i have made girls breakfast before and i guess it bothers me that shit like that doesn’t get returned. nice suggestiont hough.
April 23rd, 2009 at 11:15 pm
@Mo Charlo “That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard. We don’t get everything right in America, but we’re definitely more advanced than this shit.”
Ifyou think this “shit” (killing family members for trying to divorce, dating outside the faith, etc.), try googling “Honor Killings in America” and read one or two of the 821,000 hits you get.
April 23rd, 2009 at 11:27 pm
Hey Snow– First of all, you have to know that your fucked up adolescence is not “reality.” It is some fucked up shit by fucked up parents. [I know a pair of parents like this, who are so wrapped up in themselves that they can't take care of their adorable little girls. I want to kick their asses into next week.] Fortunately, reality doesn’t usually suck quite that hard. I think it’s a good thing that you’re trying to distance yourself from it. Sounds like you might make it out alive.
But I think you’re probably a little lonely, right? So maybe you’re listening to these girls prattle on because you’re hoping it will turn into a chance for you to talk, or at least a chance to get some measure of comfort out of them. Except it’s not working. Some girls are self-involved twits. I’ve had friends who just wanted to talk on the phone for HOURS. I finally had to say, “Look, I’m just not a ‘phone’ person.” And they stopped calling. We’re still friends, we hang out, but I don’t have to listen to stupid shit for hours on end, pretending to be interested.
So, judging by your lack of a specific complaint, and your mention of problems with your mother, I think you must want to talk to somebody about it. In which case, like everyone else said, you can find a therapist. But I thought I would save you a little cash by offering this advice: All that stuff with your mom? It sucks. It’s not fair. But there’s not a damn thing you can do about it now. Everything that happens from here on out is all you. Stop wasting your time on self-involved twits — just hang up the phone already. It’s keeping you from finding what you really want.
April 23rd, 2009 at 11:55 pm
yeah, that’s what i’ve been trying lately and it has worked out okay. only been workin on it about 2 weeks though. the whole “fuck you, don’t talk on the phone” idea anyway.
but i guess it just bothers me that nobody else has had these problems at home and they seem to not have the problems with women either. i guess it comes with the territory though. oh well. we’ll see how things go.
thanks everyone for the input.
April 24th, 2009 at 12:03 am
RE Bones: “3) Still looking for ideas on how to get a laugh out of it where said laugh is not at my expense.”
Dude, just let it go. Call it experience. Experience doesn’t always have to involve public humiliation and/or your penis inside another person.
RE Snow: You may indeed be more mature than most people your age (it happens), but most American college-age people, not very mature at all. You may have trouble tolerating chicks your age because they don’t have the same background and seem unbelievably shallow and self-absorbed, ie, typical (again, a sweeping generalization, but that doesn’t necessarily make it untrue). People mature at different rates. I think it’s possible there’s nothing wrong with you or them. You’re young. Chill out and don’t worry about finding a soul mate right now, if that’s your concern. And I’m sorry to say that if you’re hoping to find a chick who doesn’t like yapping on the phone all the time… well, good luck with that.
April 24th, 2009 at 12:10 am
RE Snow: “… they seem to not have the problems with women either.”
Dude, seriously? All men do is bitch about women (and women do the same thing).
April 24th, 2009 at 12:20 am
@That’samare : I’m afraid the reality is much less dramatic than that. Neither of us are religious in the least, and my parents are extremely tolerant. So the question of so-called “honor killings” – an oxymoron if there ever was one – is beyond imaginable.
On the other hand, there is indeed love in the marriage, but more than a wee bit of boredom as well. However, I certainly don’t want to divorce my wife because I’m bored, damnit ! In many ways, my predicament is at least structurally similar to the guy in the last mailbox who was so horny that he couldn’t bear the thought of holding out for a more adventurous coital position…
I would no more talk to her parents about her “wifely duties” than you would talk to your in-laws about your love life ! My wife and I are well-educated, etc. so y’know there isn’t any of that “I control the cash” issue.
And Drew edited out the part about my lavish snacking of the labia, which isn’t reciprocated all that often. Maybe I should mow the grass once in a while…
@Gern : Sure, it does sound retarded, but you know, lots of people get arranged marriages and are actually not too unhappy. I’m not unhappy, just… blase.
April 24th, 2009 at 12:30 am
@Snow,
Jesus Christ, kid, I’m sorry to hear that stuff. Can we pass a collection basket so that Big Daddy Drew can fly to your hometown and hug you while repeating, “It’s not your fault” over and over? Stay focused and consider the therapy route.
Also, don’t take it personally that those of us who are 25+ were initially pretty dismissive of a 19 year old claiming to have some live experience over us. What you went through sucks giant balls, and probably forced you to “grow up” a little too soon.
For what it’s worth, I’ve noticed that the biggest mental and emotional life changes in women (and men) usually occur from the ages 22-25, which is basically the three years after most of us have finished college and either transition to full time jobs and responsibility or graduate and professional school. My advice is to be patient and wait it out a couple of more years. As time goes on, your peers will emotionally catch up to you. I also assure you that your peers are having the similar problems with women.
The books you read, relationships you are into, and life experiences you have will polish you and the other girls aging along with you. Most of my lady friends who are 25+ are generally more confident and more worldly, which makes their conversation less vacuous and frustrating to deal with. Though, keep in mind that the burden also falls on you to intellectually and emotionally keep growing.
Respect.
April 24th, 2009 at 12:50 am
@ TMoNTM: It depends on the lady, but regular commenters know that I love sucking dick. I really do.
But definitely learn the fine art of cunnilingus, ladies will love it and you will enjoy having them be much more enthusiastic about your junk in return.
April 24th, 2009 at 1:01 am
Sad & Sexless-
How about this: good, solid, everybody wins fuckering when you get there, and in the aftermath, let him know “that’s an advance on the upcoming wooing, only because I missed you.” He’ll feel liked, and he’ll try hard to roll out the red carpet if he’s worth a salt. Plus, you guys can still be slutty while being sweet to each other. Win/win?
/didn’t read the comments
April 24th, 2009 at 1:39 am
Snow: You are still young. My youngest daughter is older than you. You do indeed have some things going on that your mind will need to address. Sooner? Later? That’s your choice. It does get better. Holy Shit, dude I didn’t have sex until I was 20. And look at how I ..
Fuck.
Arranged_Onanism: Great handle for starters. If you say love is involved, do nothing. Be nice. Buy her dinner and a night out. Are you saying you are hesitant about your relationship because of her appearance? If the love is reciprocated and you feel content and you can enjoy the interaction then stay with her. It was meant to be, right? You will appreciate a warm body if you live in a cold climate.
Prison Wife Dude: I truly hope you aren’t “life time” committed to your wife. Well let me tell you something and I just wanna say this – you might consider going in a slightly different direction. It doesn’t matter what the end result is, the general public is going to connect you to the crime or alleged crime and you will be guilty by association. Sorry. It’s your albatross now. Get out, send her a box of two month old girl scout cookies and a Dead Jane letter and head for the hills.
Finally. Any man who don’t eat pussy ain’t no man at all!
I can set up a pillow, get a glass of water, put on a lobster bib and get my mother fucking groove on!
Pussy has been known to increase your length and girth. It can reduce painful swelling and add years on to the end of your life span. Pussy can predict earthquakes and shit.
Better love your pussy!
April 24th, 2009 at 3:06 am
i even tend to skip the pussy-eating segments of porn. i do, however, loooove to get my dick sucked. is that hypocritical?
Yes. That is EXTREMELY fucking hypocritical. If you don’t want to lick her clam, why the fuck should she have to suck your sweaty knob? Contrary to what we fellows think, most women don’t consider a cock to be this amazingly yummy lollypop. (some do, but that’s another category of women entirely.)
Arranged marriage guy should explain to his wife, her wifely duties. Talk to her parents. I’m sure her mom will have no problem reminding her daughter she is over=weight, and her wifely duties. As long as arranged marriage guy isn’t a fatty himself, he does have a valid argument.
Dude. This is fucking America, not Riyadh…
April 24th, 2009 at 3:08 am
I don’t think Rick James ate much pussy so why should I?
April 24th, 2009 at 3:24 am
but if we’re talking about intentionally kicking a gas can over onto my sports memorabilia and throwing down a lit cigarette: that’s what i meant by the whole “matt millen crazy” thing.
Jesus. Seriously buddy, start dating a different type of woman. :)
April 24th, 2009 at 4:55 am
@BDD 150+ comments ago: Hmm, that was 1992 wasn’t it? Still, given what’ he’s done since, it FEELS like a cameo.
April 24th, 2009 at 5:04 am
@Slash
Awww come on where’s the fun in letting it go?
April 24th, 2009 at 5:23 am
“should I shelf my urge to get tittiefucked for a later date?”
There is no chance in hell that this is an actual female.
April 24th, 2009 at 9:45 am
@Grimmbles: There’s a chance. I’ve known a few who liked it.
April 24th, 2009 at 11:32 am
@ Grimmbles: I am indeed a lady. I have an awesome rack and absolutely adore my breasts. Why wouldn’t I want to see what happens when you bring two of my greatest loves together?
April 24th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
@tfgirl: Do you happen to live in or are you planning a trip to the greater Los Angeles area? I would like to assist you in adding legitimacy to your claim. I’m helpful like that.
mmm tittyfucking.
April 24th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Bonus move: Using a vibrator on the girl while you “Russian” her.
April 24th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
@tfgirl
Would you be interested in bringing your two loves together around my revenge rod?
April 24th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
@NMC
that was purely hypothetical. if that had happened, i’d be in jail for at least the next 15 years of my life.
April 24th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
@Grimmbles – My girl likes it, suggests it, encourages it.
April 24th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
I have an awesome rack and absolutely adore my breasts. Why wouldn’t I want to see what happens when you bring two of my greatest loves together?
@ tfgirl,
Marry us? All of us?
April 24th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
And if I’m trying to make this guy my boyfriend should I shelf my urge to get tittiefucked for a later date?
Sincerely‚ a fucking dude.
April 24th, 2009 at 7:55 pm
@ Magilcutty
If it is a dude I seriously doubt he’s fucking.
*BADUMP CHA*