Peter King Needs Tweeting Lessons
When we last left latte-quaffing pork ogre Peter King, he was beseeching you to spend thousands of dollars to help his friend Paul Zimmerman through the new “Nothing Is Impossible” foundation. Though I would argue that raising tens of thousands of dollars to help a fairly well-off 76-year-old man recover fully from three strokes, while perhaps not technically impossible, certainly merits changing the name of the foundation to “Something Is Impractical,” or what have you.
Anyway, it’s a new Monday. So what new lessons will King bestow upon us this week? Will he find out once again how nice it is to walk? Will he call on the US Government to amass greater rum reserves to counter the growing global pirate threat? Will he ever teach his kid to learn to fucking drive? No, I’m afraid that this week, children, Peter King has finally, inevitably, decided to explore the recent Internet phenomenon that is a PERFECT FUCKING MATCH for his sensibilities. Read on…
(The Lions) wonder why (Matt) Stafford never became the super phenom he was supposed to be coming out of high school. All logical concerns. But they also know they like him, and they know Daunte Culpepper is not their quarterback of the long-term future, and they may not have a chance to draft a quarterback as promising in the next few years.
Top of the 2010 quarterback draft class: Sam Bradford, Colt McCoy, Tim Tebow, Zac Robinson. OH NO! IT’S BARREN! The Lions may never get a chance to draft a quarterback high in the draft ever again!
Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week
You know, I’m aggravated that Peter King has one of these every fucking week. Hey asshole, you get to travel at no personal expense, and you are nicely accommodated. Just the other week, you got to stay at a Marriott resort in Laguna. What in the name of FUCK do you have to bitch about?
Just before Amtrak Acela Train 2172 left New York Penn Station on the continuation of its trip from Washington to Boston last Tuesday…
And you’re on fucking Acela, one of the nicer modes of transport out there. A ticket on Acela costs more than most airfare. You get nice seats, pleasant atmosphere, and free drinks and food if you’re in first class. So tell me, what was so goddamn horrible about your trip? There better be fucking Somali land pirates involved.
…a sultry, Barry White-type voice came over the PA system, and after a long exhale of breath, the voice moaned, “Ohhhhh baby,” as though the voice belonged behind a closed door and not on a crowded train.
Sounds like someone got into the nutmeg-flavored lasagna!
My seat neighbor looked at me incredulously and said, “Are we on a train?”
No, my friend. You are not on a train. You are seated next to Peter King. You are on one of life’s great roller coaster rides.
There have been a few travel notes that you just can’t make up over the years.
Yes, indeed. Truth is stranger than fiction. Who would’ve have guessed that someone would use the train PA system for half a second to have a goof? AN ASTONISHING TURN OF EVENTS. ‘Twould not be surprising if the voice belonged to Barry White himself. When you ride Acela, you are on a fast track to a surreal dimension even Dali himself could not envision.
The farter on the plane from Newark to Providence comes to mind, as does the yipping dog halfway across the country on the redeye from Seattle to Newark, and the woman clipping her nails on the jam-packed New Jersey Transit commuter from Montclair to Manhattan. This one joins the club.
That would be the Peter King Club For Random Shit That Happens To Pretty Much Anyone Who’s Ever Traveled Anywhere For Any Reason.
Say, what’s on tap for the Dr. Z auction this week, Peter?
Two baseball fans will get something they’ll never forget:
Tickets to something besides a baseball game?
Two tickets to a Red Sox-Yankees game (on one of the following dates: June 9, 10, 11, or Aug. 21, 22, 23),
NO BLACKOUT DATES, FUCKO
…plus an insider’s tour of the ballpark…
“And hee-ah is whey-ah my buddy Murph facked up some dahkie from Roxbury! You can still see some of the blood caked on the pillahs! When I think of beatin’ up dahkies, I think: Rawk stah!”
…plus a trip to the field for pregame batting practice. Fan of the column… Corey Bowdre, Red Sox group sales director…
“Petah! I love yar fackin’ cawlumn! You expose Stahhhbucks for who they really ahhh!”
…is donating this ultimate-insider’s gift for one of this year’s episodes of World War III. (Minimum bid: $1,000.)
Didn’t know World Wars came in episodes. Did you see that World War II episode where we entered the Pacific Theater? Classic.
I think Marshawn Lynch deserved three games off, and it’s right that he won’t be playing ’til October.
Well then, that totally validates Roger Goodell’s decision.
I think the NFL is really ticking me off with the timing of the schedule-release tomorrow. By unveiling the schedule (in what — 30 million homes, or whatever NFL Network hits right now?) Tuesday at 7 p.m., the league is depriving legions of drive-time sports-talk-radio fans the ability to dissect the schedule on the way home, or at the work water-cooler in the afternoon.
Instead, they’ll have to dissect it the next morning and throughout the rest of the day. You know what I call that? EXTORTION.
Now it’ll be on a fraction of the nation’s TV homes, and there won’t be any time for debate ’til Wednesday, if it’s even on radar screens by then.
Yes, I fully expect the NFL schedule to be completely ignored by everyone due to the timing of its release. I would have cared who my team was playing had the schedule been released at 1PM. But now? FUCK THAT. They may as well be playing Texas A&M.
Why, oh why, is the start of round one (of the draft) at 4:05 p.m. Saturday? Did anyone in the league say: Hey, pretty good baseball doubleheader slated for that day on FOX — Yanks-Red Sox and Cubs-Cards.
No, because no one gives a flying shit about baseball and the NFL is a fire-breathing goliath that can shit all over some dipshit Red Sox game if it so chooses.
What if the draft really drags and ends around 11 p.m.?
Then I’ll have something to watch all night?
I think I am absolutely sick about the injustice that is the death of Nick Adenhart.
Oh boy, here comes the preachin’.
How can a 22-year-old kid with a suspended license even possess car keys, never mind get behind the wheel of a car and drive again?
Because that’s just the kind of ambition, fearlessness, and go-get-‘em attitude a fifth of Popov will give you.
I fear Ortiz is not Ortiz anymore.
He’s Toone P. Wiggins now!
If Evan Longoria and Matt Garza are not in the top three vote-getters for MVP and Cy Young this year, I’ll be stunned. Longoria hits good pitches 400 feet. Garza has the Red Sox totally figured out.
Let’s analyze that baseball analysis, shall we? Peter saw one game in the April in which he saw Longoria hit the ball very far (which no other baseball player can do). Then he saw Garza beat his favorite team. Translation: THEY ARE THE BEST AT WHAT THEY DO AND WILL CONTINUE TO BE ALL YEAR LONG. Let me just check my Joe Morgan Player Analysis Guidebook for a moment…
/flips past chapter on the importance of five-toolery
Yes, yes that’s just how Joe would analyze it as well. Bang-up job there, fella.
Keep your Saturday night job, Amy Poehler.
She’s not on that show anymore, you fucking idiot.
This seven-word review, I’m afraid, represents a complete death blow to “Parks And Recreation,” a show produced by our friend Michael Schur, who used to run Fire Joe Morgan. My condolences to Schur. He should know by now that Peter King will not watch a show about land unless Brett Favre is involved.
I’m pretty much on board with everything about “The Office,” with a couple of exceptions: A season or so ago, Ryan was about to be profiled in the Wall Street Journal. Now he’s a shiftless, no-account bum. How’d that happen?
WRITING!
For a quasi-famous restaurant…
A semi-LeBronish establishment?
…Sibling Rivalry, you can do far, far better than you did Friday night.
Oh, no. Another stern warning from Peter King to a restaurant to get its fucking shit together. Expect the staff at Sibling Rivalry to now cower at the sight of Peter King strolling into their restaurant, as if he were Frank Bruni himself, and demanding all the coffee-flavored water and petit fours he likes.
Coffeenerdness: So everyone in Boston kept telling me to try Sibling Rivalry.
People of Boston: Next time, please implore this man to try iocaine powder.
And as annoying as the microscopic five-bite, $25 cod entrée was, the bitter espresso was worse.
THIS FANCY MEAL I CAN EASILY AFFORD DIDN’T LIVE UP TO MY EXPECTATIONS! I DIDN’T MOVE FROM MONTCLAIR FOR THIS!
Folks, I swear we have reached some sort of new low here. This can’t get worse. It really can’t.
Dying to Tweet.
It got worse.
Rumor has it I’m going to be taught how by my SI.com people this week…
/head explodes
I will be needing a transcript of this historic Peter King Tweeting Seminar. I really will.
Instructor: So Peter, the way you tweet is by typing something into this box and then pushing the UPDATE button.
King: This box?
Instructor: No Peter, that’s the address bar of your browser. The white box in the middle of the screen.
King: It’s asking me, “What are you doing?”. What does that mean?
Instructor: It means, what are you doing?
King: Well, currently I’m enjoying a peppermint mocha from Peet’s. PEET’S, FABULOUS JOB MAKING SURE YOUR PEPPERMINT MOCHAS HAVE JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF MINTINESS. Should I write that?
Instructor: I guess. You just have to keep it to 140 characters.
King: What characters? You mean, like Don “Donnie Brasco” Banks?
Instructor: No, I mean 140 letters.
King: But what if I want to go on longer? For example, last week Frank Ames took me to Normandie Farms. Now, I don’t know what they put in their popovers, but you absolutely have to try them. With just a schmear of strawberry butter, they are truly something special. Only gripe? The coffee tasted like it came of out the kidneys of a dehydrated old man. NORMANDIE FARMS, YOU HAVE A LOT TO LEARN ABOUT HOW TO PACK AN ESPRESSO POD… Will I be able to do this “tweeting” while I drive?
Instructor: (kills self)
I also hate the fucking coy “rumor has it” way King presented this item. Oooh, rumor has it he’s gonna learn to tweet! Everyone’s talking about Peter coming to Tweetland! YOU KNOW YOU’RE INTRIGUED!
…when I’m town for some high-level (ha-ha-ha) meetings in midtown Manhattan. (The real high-level meeting, I think, is seeing Citi Field on Thursday night.)
HA HA! Even Peter’s business appointments are enjoyable! Aren’t you so glad for him?
Sounds like I’m missing everything in Tweetland.
Oh, you are, Peter. Please please please, start tweeting THIS INSTANT. I can’t wait for you to show off the skills you learned in First Grade Tweetology 101. The world shall be enriched beyond measure.
You put on the best Easter spread in the world, Pam Whiteley.
That’s a direct challenge to you, Normans!
Jack Bowers, you’ve got a lot of people from a lot of places pulling for you this week. Good luck.
Who? What? What the fuck is this doing here? Does Jack Bowers get any Red Sox auction items, or is he too young and poor to qualify for Nothing Is Impossible dollars?
You cannot be serious about shuttering the Boston Globe, you New York Times people.
I MOVED TO THIS TOWN SPECIFICALLY TO READ DAN SHAUGHNESSY EVERY DAY!
That’s unjust and ridiculous and will be a black mark against anything you do journalistically in the long-term.
I think it’s so cute how Peter believes the New York Times has a long-term anything. I know that the Times will certainly lose credibility in my eyes if they take action to preserve their existence.
How do you walk into the flagship journalistic institution in a six-state region and say, “Unless everyone in the building takes a monstrous pay cut, and a few of you walk away from your jobs forever, we’re closing the place?” What kind of management style is that?
The kind that prevents a business from getting shuttered? You see, Peter: When a business is hemorrhaging money at an alarming rate, the people running it often have to take steps to ensure that it, you know, stops hemorrhaging fucking money. But I suppose that’s a hard concept to grasp when your world revolves around minor nuisances as you ride a fucking Acela train.
Eat shit.
UPDATE: Enterprising commenter miamidiesel has a swell idea:
So here’s something I think we should all get behind: emailing Sibling Rivalry and telling them not to kowtow to this fat fuck and his flagrant attempts to get free shit by using a public platform he doesn’t deserve. We can call it the “Nothing for Your Bitching” Foundation.
Go to it.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, can't wait for that feed to become a reality, FJM style, fun with peter king
April 13th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
I found this week to be more unbearable than any other week. This man’s column confirms for me that there is no God. Why couldn’t Woody harrelson mistake Peter King for a zombie and be-head him? ANSWER ME DR Z!!!
April 13th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
awesome
April 13th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
“There better be fucking Somali land pirates involved.”
If the Somali pirates have moved to the land, Brett Favre is fucked.
Also, how long until we have a fake Peter King Twitter feed to match the fake Rick Reilly one? Because I vote for “Right goddamn now”. Drew, for the sake of the internets, get Gourmet Spud on the horn and make it so.
April 13th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
I actually can’t wait until he starts tweeting! Maybe if we send him enough messages, he’ll crash while responding when he’s driving….
April 13th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
How, oh how, will THAH LEGENDARY BAWSTON FAITHFUL decide between watching one of 162 Sawks games and watching the Pats draft the next in the long and distinguished line of cheating dicksmacks?
Answer: Who gives a flying fuck? If they’re any kind of true Boston resident like PK, they’ll be protesting the bitter espresso at Sibling Rivalry.
April 13th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Ahhh another Monday and another batch of brain cells killed off via Peter King….Longoria is a fucking beast though
April 13th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
damn drew, PK couldn’t possibly make this any easier for you.
April 13th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
So, is Peter trying to say that Andrew Gallo is Concrete Cyanide?
/Sombody had to ask
April 13th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
We can add “drunk driving” to societal problems that have been around for a long time that Peter is just now becoming aware of. Next week: Peter turns on “To Catch a Predator” and decides that we must do something about all those damn pedophiles
April 13th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
I think I speak for all people within an hour radius of Boston when I say we’re trying to convince him that arsenic is nice to dust the rim of your coffee cup with.
I hate that he’s here. I hate it so much. I hate you bringing it up every week.
April 13th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
How will we, how will America, ever survive without The Boston Globe?
April 13th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
I’m shocked. I really am.
How can one man be so ridiculously stupid?
Even if he is a Kit-Kat hoarding bastard?
April 13th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Peter King is one of my favorite KSK Kharacters.
What? He actually exists?
April 13th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
So here’s something I think we should all get behind: emailing Sibling Rivalry and telling them not to kowtow to this fat fuck and his flagrant attempts to get free shit by using a public platform he doesn’t deserve. We can call it the “Nothing for Your Bitching” Foundation.
April 13th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
First post. Just wanted to say this column is usually the highlight of my work week. Which is extra sad being that I read it 9:30am on Monday.
April 13th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
When is someone going to walk into SI and clean fucking house?
“Mr. King, my accountants tell me that your $1000 weekly coffee budget is simply higher than the market value for fat insipid fucks. Also, as you feel the need to complain about your travel and food expenses, we feel you would have stronger standing to complain if you actually paid for it your fucking self.
Please don’t give me those sad piggy eyes. Actually, you know what, since you like walking so much, here is a cardboard box for your stained Brett Farve jock strap and greasy crumb-infested laptop.”
And then I wake up.
/SI would probably replace him with some other douchebag anyways
April 13th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
“I think I am absolutely sick about the injustice that is the death of Nick Adenhart.”
I know I am. I mean, how can a young man be cut down in the prime of his life like that while a selfish, fat-ass fuckhole like yourself is allowed to continue to breathe air just so you can insult all humanity with your petty bitches about coffee flavor, restaurant service, and first class travel inconveniences? It is the epitome of unfair.
April 13th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
How do you walk into the flagship journalistic institution in a six-state region and say, “Unless everyone in the building takes a monstrous pay cut, and a few of you walk away from your jobs forever, we’re closing the place?” What kind of management style is that?
Unbelievable. The New York Times wants people to take monstrous pay cuts and cut off dead weight JUST BECAUSE THEY’RE LOSING MASSIVE QUANTITIES OF MONEY AND WOULD BE FORCED INTO BANKRUPTCY OTHERWISE CAUSING EVERYONE TO LOSE THEIR JOBS ANYWAY. Greedy capitalists.
April 13th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
I actually thought the Sibling Rivalry comment would have sent Drew over the edge. I think PK is just writing self parodies now to undermine Drew.
April 13th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
/bangs head on wall due to brain cells committing suicide after reading PK
April 13th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
I’m looking forward to a new KSK post every time Peter King tweets.
April 13th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Jack Bowers, you’ve got a lot of people from a lot of places pulling for you this week. Good luck.
Peter, it’s a TV show.
April 13th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
@ Rock, DHSC: this guy probably takes in close to or more than a million dollars a year for ostensibly for covering sports, and he still bitches about his premium travel arrangements, the free shit he gets at comped resorts, and meals for which he is reimbursed at nice restaurants (and those restaurants often give him more free shit after he bitches about them). Don’t forget that when you’re thinking about evidence that there is no God, or reasons that humanity might be better off being destroyed in a nuclear holocaust…
April 13th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Ritzy Crusted Cod with Shrimp Mousse, Mornay Potatoes and Malt Vinegar Sauce…$25.00
OMG!!! A fine dining restaurant has small portions!!!! Someone truck lardo over to Old Country Buffet.
April 13th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Isn’t espresso supposed to be bitter?
April 13th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
cower at the sight of Peter King strolling into their restaurant, as if he were Frank Bruni himself
or Mr. Creosote
April 13th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Don’t kill him.
He makes my Mondays worthwhile
April 13th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
I can’t believe it took this twat so long to discover Twitter.
For a navel-gazing narcissist like King, this is practically like the mothership calling him home. I can’t wait for the inevitable twittering about his bowel movements. “That’s odd. When did I have corn?”
April 13th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
I can only hope that as my children grow up, they can live in a world that will be free of Peter King. His douchebaggery reaches new depths as it steals my soul every Monday. I cannot take the raping my mind takes by just reviewing his column. I have reached my end-game. God speed, Sibling Rivalry, we hardly knew ye.
April 13th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Watching the NFL draft rather than watching baseball is… wow. People do that?
Sibling Rivalry is where my anorexic mom likes to go for Sunday brunch. It doesn’t surprise me that Peter found it not to his liking.
April 13th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
If only there were a way to use King’s new Twitter fascination to poke fun at the pompous, overblown sports columnist. Perhaps through a series of fake Twitter updates that mock his journalistic style.
April 13th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
this is a gem –
Mark Mulvoy, the former SI managing editor who lorded over Zim and sparred with him on a few occasions, called with a more than generous donation. “I heard someone asked him where he got the name ‘Dr. Z,’ ” Mulvoy said. “He said, ‘Mark Mulvoy.’ ”
soooooooo, he’s donating…..an origin?
honestly, if i just read that column w/no knowledge of peter king or that it came from a sports website, i would have no idea he was a football writer. the first page he tells us that the lions might take stafford, OR they might take one of the other top-rated prospects (BRILLIANT), and then spends the rest of it talking about trains, farts, tv shows, food, coffee, baseball and some random woman that apparently cooked for him. what a dick.
April 13th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
can’t wait for that feed to become a reality
Why not “make it” a reality?
Unless you’re too busy with Rick Reilly, of course…
April 13th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Watching the NFL draft rather than watching baseball is… wow. People do that?
“Watch the future of the NFL get selected? No thanks, I’d rather be bored as shit.”
April 13th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
also, Drew should register all Peter King/MMQB type user names on twitter before PK gets ‘em.
April 13th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
Drew, you must create a FakePeterKing account for Twitter, It’s a fucking layup.
April 13th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
I’m not gonna do a fake PK twitter. One goddamn Twitter feed is enough for me. Especially when I’ll be able to tear apart the real thing as soon as PK passes his AP Tweeting class.
April 13th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Watching the NFL draft rather than watching baseball is… wow. People do that?
Uh, check the ratings.
April 13th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
ladies and gents, I proudly present to you the following link:
http://twitter.com/PKingMMQB
April 13th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
I’ll gladly watch the NFL Draft.
The first hint of the coming NFL season, the tantalizing possibility of a Brady Quinn style humiliation, the sounds of Eagles fans hating everything up to and including the light of our sun … it has it all. Plus, I could just get lost in Mel Kiper’s eyes for hours. He’s so dreamy!
But baseball? Fuck and no.
April 13th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
I liked “Parks and Recreation”, I like it even more knowing that PK didn’t like it.
April 13th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
It’s like Christmas morning every Monday
April 13th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
nice work CVE
April 13th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Twitter names available:
peterkingsi
peterkingmmqb
peterkingfatass
Twitter names not available:
peterking
peter_king
fakepeterking
April 13th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Don’t get me wrong… I love pro football more than I love mediocre-to-decent oral sex. But I can’t see watching an NFL draft when I could be watching, like, SPORTS sports. The NFL draft will happen, and I can always check my laptop for updates. But the outcome of a baseball game can actually be changed by me yelling at my television!
April 13th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
“You cannot be serious about shuttering the Boston Globe, you New York Times people. ”
Isn’t Peter King’s column probably one reason why the Boston Globe is having so much trouble? Am I wrong in thinking that?
April 13th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
And as annoying as the microscopic five-bite, $25 cod entrée was, the bitter espresso was worse.
Peter King is the most powerful food critic in town who will never get his comeuppance! You Hear me?!?!? NO COMEUPPANCE!!!
April 13th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
I am now enjoying twitter for the first time ever. Solid twittering. Lofty twittering.
April 13th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Because Drew mentioned PK receiving Twittering instructions by a some poor bastard in the SI.com IT department, and because the late, great Fire Joe Morgan was mentioned, that’s all the excuse I need to link to the best FJM post ever, http://www.firejoemorgan.com/2008/08/analysis.html
NO ONE DENIES THIS!
/misses FJM
//no, I’m not crying, it’s dusty in here
April 13th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
I’m in effect, ladies! http://www.twitter.com/petardedking
April 13th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Five PK-sized bites amount to your average Man vs Food challenge.
April 13th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
@Charlie, that’s epic.
Here’s the thing: there’s 18 weeks of regular season, 6 weeks of postseason football and say a 6 week period where free agency and the Draft occur. That’s 30 weeks out of a 52 week year of “real” work for PK. And that’s mostly filled with traveling to football games, watching football games, talking to players, coaches, managers and owners in person and writing or doing TV spots. The rest of the time, it’s mostly picking up a phone or shooting emails to ask for confirmation. Because honestly, what’s the last big NFL story that PK has broken?
That’s PK’s work life. And I think I speak for all around that he should shut the f–k up and be happy that he’s got it. Instead, every week it’s how some fancy restaurant, top quality travel agency, gourmet coffee place or now anyone who he has never met has failed to meet his standards.
PK defines douchebag.
April 13th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Man… the stupid has no end. It is the alpha and the omega of stupid.
As for the Twittering or whatever the fuck it’s called, if anyone can destroy it, Peter King can. Those younguns haven’t seen self-absorbed and shallow until they’ve seen PETER KING-STYLE self-absorbed and shallow.
April 13th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
@Upstate
thank you, thank you.
April 13th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Come people, follow me as I twitter the night away!
April 13th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Fuck nuclear energy; just clone King and Madden and power the world with bloviatrons.
April 13th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
RE Otto Man Says:
I can’t believe it took this twat so long to discover Twitter. For a navel-gazing narcissist like King, this is practically like the mothership calling him home. I can’t wait for the inevitable twittering about his bowel movements. “That’s odd. When did I have corn?”
Comment of the day, in my opinion…
April 13th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
this PKingMMQB is an obvious forgery. For shame.
April 13th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
By my calculations, it would take about $10,000 worth of Sibling Rivalry cod to fill PK up.
And complaining about the “bitter” espresso…..awesome. He should try ordering the Triple Vanilla Fudge Espressichino next time, I guess.
These just get better every week……….
April 13th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
@Greg: Here’s my favorite FJM post.
Joe Morgan: I agree completely. I used to keep count of that in my career because I knew how much it was helping my team.
KT: Really. Following your own stats is about the team. Huh.
April 13th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Um, what’s wrong with Texas A&M? But seriously, KSK should at least register the fake PK twitter feed, and then have a contest amongst its faithful for submissions for the best “fake tweets” based on Peter’s first 10 or so, then have a reader vote to see who gets to be SI’s haughtiest, fattest, smarmiest, fake sportswriter…
April 13th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
uh, fake twittering for a jackass is a lot less fun than i thought it would be. i abdicate my challenge to the quasi-PK-ish twitter feed. Hail CVE!
April 13th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Dammit, Harry Kalas died. What a shitty start to the Phil’s season.
April 13th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
@fmra: Mel Kiper is going to try to kill Todd McShay on live tv; that only happens once a year. You’d think people from Boston would be more on board with 8+ hours of drinking while watching black athletes being picked by white owners.
April 13th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
@CVE, yet PK lives on.
April 13th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
@UU,
What a gross injustice. Pking will pour out a little coffee in memory of Harry the K.
April 13th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
My email to Sibling Rivalry. Maybe I gave PK at bit much credit, but didn’t want to sound flagrantly abusive while talking to the consumer relations department of a restaurant i’ve never been to.
“Please, do not cater to the whims of an overpaid blubbering idiot who uses his corporate-paid meals as subject for his weekly blog. He uses them to get you to bow to his demands and try to get you to give him free things that HE ALREADY RECEIVES FREE! Please, show him that you are a slight amount of sensibility in this world. Nobody thinks that you are a bad restaurant. You obviously have to be classy and exquisite if Peter would venture to put it on his charge account at SI.”
April 13th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
Knowing PK didn’t like Parks and Recreation means it might actually be worth watching. Every time I see that smarmy shit eating grin of his in that douchey photo, I just want to beat the crap out of my laptop
April 13th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
In light of Peter’s introduction to twitter and the fake PK tweets he will encounter, I am looking forward to PK’s next installment of things we all already knew:
OMG People pretend to be other people on the internet!!!
April 13th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Here’s my contribution.
Good afternoon
As you are probably aware of by now, a Peter King of Boston, formerly of Montclair, has been making disparaging remarks about your food and drink.
I have no doubt your foood and drink are excellent. If Peter King wants less bitter espresso he ought to use honey or sugar.
Over the years he has used his column to get free things. He acts like an emperor. Please do not bow to his imperious demands. Give him the normal treatment a guest deserves but no more.
His scolding, schoolmarmish tone is offensive. He is a fancypants.
Thank you
April 13th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
That foregoing was sent to the bistro he bitched about.
Shots out from Nova Scotia – we got annoying travel notes for ya PK
April 13th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
@MHS:
It’s Texas A&M. Pretty self explanitory.
April 13th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
I’ve done my part as well. I hope that if Sibling Rivalry does fold to Peter King and gives him a free lunch, they’ll also dump the stacks of mail they got on the table as well.
April 13th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
I’m now signing up for a Twitter account just to follow Peter King
April 13th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
1) I’ve been to Sibling Rivalry, it’s a good restaurant. Maybe not exactly Capital Grille for free … but pretty good.
2) I’d encourage everyone to write Sibling Rivalry as said, and also to suck up all the Twitter Acccounts that Peter King might take …
April 13th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
@ Chad Snow, ZigZag, SSB, Bassett: Lofty activism. True activism. I hope Sibling Rivalry gets so many messages they realize that the right thing to do is to turn Peter King’s fat ass away at the door next time
April 13th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
I now have the fake PK following many coffee sho pupdates on Twitter. True following. Lofty following.
April 13th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
I’m sorry. I love this feature but I had to stop right after the first snippet about the Lions. It was too asinine for words, the blood pressure can’t take it.
April 13th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
I hope he gets run the fuck over by a Ford truck.
April 13th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Lofty cause.
/Emailed sibling rivalry
April 13th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
I’m curious if the techies that will teach Peter to Twitter know about this site and this column. It would be all kinds of awesome if the entire IT department at SI had this page bookmarked and they all read it on Mondays.
April 13th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
has anyone signed up with a twitter account to take PK’s possible usernames?
April 13th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
I’m taking this grass roots level activism one step further. I’m e-maiing Amtrak to insist that they immediately hire a Barry White sound-alike to growl “Ohhh babyyyyyyy” several times per trip on all Acela trains running in and out of the greater Boston area.
Also, a crackerjack team of toenail clippers and loud farters must be stationed on every car.
Now if I can just convince NBC to turn Ryan the temp into a cross dressing trapeze artist during the next season of “The Office,” PK’s forced descent into madness will be complete.
April 13th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
@thekingofcheap.
yes, yes I have.
http://twitter.com/PKingMMQB
April 13th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
@ Charlite Villanuevas Eyebrows
rock!
http://twitter.com/PeterKing_SI
April 13th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
I know people have said from previous comments that the Boston Globe loses a lot of money, which is true….but PK doesn’t realize just how much. The Globe loses between 75-85 million dollars a year…let’s keep them open!! Shame on you New York Times for not wanting to lose money.
Also, funny how a fat fuck like PK is crying about portions. They did you a favor PK, you’re fat, you shouldn’t be eating that much anyway.
I think the best part of all is how he complained about baseball and the draft being on at the same time…
you got money Pete…put two tv’s next to each other, turn the sound on the draft, and watch the baseball game. He’s acting like baseball and the nfl draft are fast paced. Baseball is the slowest sport alive, you can flip the channel to baseball and not miss a beat on the nfl draft and vice a versa. It’s not like you have 5 seconds to make a pick or you lose it. (by the way, I think the Lions should go this route, the should run out of time so the next team up gets the first pick, that way you don’t have to pay a rookie that much money.)
And if the Lions take Stafford, they’re fucked. The Lions will suck again this year, so they’ll get a high draft pick next year, and can draft one of the QB’s who is going to be much much better than Stafford
April 13th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
Can anyone else imagine Peter King in the role of Homer Simpsons in the episode where they sues the seafood restaurant for not honoring the all you can eat seafood buffet offer?
Lionel Hutz: Marge, What did you and Homer do after they kicked you out?
Marge: We went right home.
Lionel Hutz: Now Marge, you are under oath
Marge: OK, we went all over town looking for another all you can eat seafood bar. And when we couldnt find one, we went fishing.
Lionel Hutz: Now, does that sound like a man who had…..all he could eat?
Maybe Peter should try this sometime. The trial might be the greatest comedic moment in the history of the world.
April 13th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Doesn’t PK know that Simmons solved the newspaper crisis by whining on his podcasts about how the Herald didn’t give him a chance back in that day? Maybe they knew what a sack of shit he was. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
April 13th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Last year Peter King asked me how to set up a twitter. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Peter’s brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I’ve read some of it. Even for the internet…it’s pretty shocking.
April 13th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Stay Strong, Sibling Rivalry!
April 13th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
With how basically nonsensical Tweeting really is, I’m surprised that fuckstain King wasn’t the one who invented it.
“How can I make my aggravating travel note of the week even more annoying? I know! I’ll post it real-time!”
April 13th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
When does “Fire Peter King” get started up on there here intarwebs?
April 13th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
I hope Sibling Rivalry gets so many messages they realize that the right thing to do is to turn Peter King’s fat ass away at the door next time
I had a vision of Peter King being turned away at the door, and then looking at the Chinese buffet across the street as the owner frantically switches the sign to “closed”
April 13th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Well played, Old Gregg.
April 13th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
@The Hammer and SSB: lofty visions. Great visions. Now THAT is a world I want to live in. This could be one of the greatest grassroots campaigns of all times!
April 13th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
Could it be that SI is in the process of moving PK to the position of their first columnist whose work appears only on Twitter?
We can only hope.
April 13th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
‘I had a vision of Peter King being turned away at the door, and then looking at the Chinese buffet across the street as the owner frantically switches the sign to “closed”’
Which will mercifully spare us from PK’s next aggravating travel note: “Shame on you, Lucky Garden Chinese Buffet. I expected Kung Pau Chicken, not this Kung Pau-flavored fowl you serve.”
April 13th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
For those linking to fake PK twitter feeds, I may have found his real one:
http://twitter.com/rebus1805
Here is his latest tweet:
Wow.
Peter King of SI is going to tweet.
My favorite sports writer.
Funny, insightful.
His MMQB on SI.com is a must read.
April 13th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
not this Kung Pau-flavored fowl you serve
“And what is with this disgusting orange-flavored juice in my elite flyers grocery aisle? I demand a refund!”
April 13th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
The more Peter King I read, the more convinced I am that the fat fuckwad actually knows NOTHING about football.
he should write hockey articles – the lack of personality and appealing storylines is tailor-made for him! he’d define CLUTCH!
April 13th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
Most guys write to restaurant managers. This guy Peter King writes to restaurants: “Dear Dairy Queen – you rock! PS – Do you know Sirloin Stockade?”
April 13th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
Just sent my e-mail in!
MAY THE FAT FUCK DIE
April 13th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
How’s the coffee at the Frying Dutchman in Boston?
“Behold Bottomless Pete- Nature’s Cruelest Mistake!”
April 13th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
“Jack Bowers, you’ve got a lot of people from a lot of places pulling for you this week. Good luck.”
http://j.bowers.gonetoosoon.org/
D’OH!
April 13th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
A season or so ago, Ryan was about to be profiled in the Wall Street Journal. Now he’s a shiftless, no-account bum. How’d that happen?
Ummm, real world crash reflected in a TV show? Never watched the show (hangs head in shame) but by a potential WSJ profile I would guess a beginning Master Of The Universe. Meaning of course, human drek.
April 13th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
emailed Sibling Rivalry. If nothing else, the manager or whoever should get a kick out of these.
April 13th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
Emailed.
Why people?
Why do we want rid of PK? What else is there to mock so happily on a Monday Morning?
Actually, reading some of his complete rubbish…
April 13th, 2009 at 7:55 pm
For twenty bucks I’ll rifle a pigskin at PK’s hog sized melon. I could use the cash.
Much Love,
Sex Cannon
April 13th, 2009 at 7:55 pm
You know what pissed me off about WW2? That fucking cliffhanger! I mean for fuck’s sake, don’t leave us hanging about whether Hitler kills himself or not if you don’t know whether you’re getting another series or not! That does not define clutch goddammit.
April 13th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
Hey Otto, should we then call it “twatter”??
April 13th, 2009 at 11:52 pm
Man, Peter King should be stuck onto a pike as a warning for future generations of sportswriters. If they can find a pike that could hold his weight, that is.
April 14th, 2009 at 12:02 am
KSK, please tell Michael Schur that I quite liked “Parks and Recreation,” and I hardly watch any TV due to the fact that most of it sucks anymore. I will continue to watch it and wish it success, and this is before I found out Peter King didn’t like it. In fact, to mirror some of the sentiment in the comments already, I think of all of KSK’s readership should watch the show this week to spite that thermos-fucking Peter King.
April 14th, 2009 at 1:21 am
https://twitter.com/peter_kingsi
Sorry to be late to the party, but I’m going to have fun with this.
April 14th, 2009 at 8:17 am
Hey Otto, should we then call it “twatter”??
Done and done.
Though technically, I believe a twitter from Peter King should be referred to as a “queef.”
April 14th, 2009 at 10:13 am
I’m torn. I don’t ever want the Peter King responses to stop… but I want Peter King to die as an Acela train turns into a flaming ball of hot metal death.
Of course, I hope everyone else (especially Barry White) survives.
April 14th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
C’Mon people –
The obvious problem with Sibling Rivalry’s $25 Cod appetizer…..
No Nutmeg!!!
April 14th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
I may be late to the party, but I’ll be damned if i’m not gonna fake twitter too.
http://twitter.com/pterking
April 14th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
“They may as well be playing Texas A&M.”
/stops laughing
//hangs head in shame
“Because that’s just the kind of ambition, fearlessness, and go-get-‘em attitude a fifth of Popov will give you.”
///starts laughing again
April 14th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
I also have a twitter account, a lofty & noble account.
http://twitter.com/peterkingsi
April 14th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
“Received email fr Sibling Rivalry in Boston’s South End. They comp’ed my meal from last week!! How I love their superior food & service now!” – PK’s Twitter
What… the… fuck
April 14th, 2009 at 9:32 pm
First time poster here. I added my thoughts via email to Sibling Rivalry. It sickens me that Peter King not only moves to my hometown but whines about things … as if Montclair, New Jersey is some fabulous cosmopolitan capital in comparison. Asshole.
I need to go drink more whiskey now.
April 15th, 2009 at 12:12 am
I have a problem calling this fat arrogant fuck a douchebag, as a douchebag was actually made to have a part of it inserted into a vagina.fuck that fat fucking fuck.
April 15th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
@Julius Orange
That’s obviously not PK’s twitter. It’s one of the fakes started by KSK commenters that we thought no one would fall for..