Peter King Is Having Trouble Flushing The Toilet
When we last left face-stuffing land barnacle Peter King, he had finally gotten his Twitter feed up and running, thus signaling the beginning of the end of that startup’s financial potential. What kind of crucial information has King supplied you, the Twitty twitty gangbanging masses?
SI_PeterKing Ah, the glamorous life of a reporter. Drinking low-cal Vitamin Water and praying I’ll be able to make it 2 more hours to finish MMQB.
Ooom, low cal Vitamin Water. Well, la di da, Mr. Big Shot. Most of us have to drink regular water. We don’t get to have our water infused with seventeen different minerals and subtle hints of acai and pomegranate. Don’t tell me you’re just some poor reportin’ schlub, you cod lover!
SI_PeterKing Sanchez throwing out first pitch at the Mets Monday night. Memo to Mark: Don’t bounce it. They’ll boo.
And stop looking like Johnny Damon! You’ll just reinforce the Mets’ feelings as afterthoughts in their own city!
Anyway, to the column. Say Pete, what’s your top draft philosophy?
I like teams that love players…
Me too!
…and, within reason, break the bank to get them.
If you’re doing it within reason, you aren’t breaking the bank. But yes, I too adore teams that become so obsessed with one player or two that they willingly sacrifice any and all flexibility when it comes to draft day flexibility. We call this kind of brilliant tactical strategy semi-Snyderesque.
Cincinnati. Hard to knock this draft. Impossible, quite frankly.
Except here, and here, and anywhere else where people might express concern for a franchise that has a long history of character issues with its roster spending its top pick on Andre Smith, who went AWOL at the combine and threw a fucking WHITE PARTY to celebrate his draft day.
“I’ve learned the hard way that running backs are hard to come by,” said McDaniels.
Particularly in Denver, which has produced 1,000-yard rushers from the second round (Clinton Portis), the sixth round (Mike Anderson, Terrell Davis), and from the waiver wire scrap heap (Reuben Droughns). Way to overvalue the game’s most expendable position, Josh.
Give the glib Matthew Stafford a chance. Spent some time with him in February, and he’s a likeable guy with a Dan Fouts arm.
Oh, well then. That alleviates all my concerns. DRY YOUR EYES, DETROIT! THIS MAN WAS NICE TO PETER KING IN FEBRUARY.
The money is stupid, of course, but we’re judging players, not salaries
Actually, due to the salary cap, it’s impossible to cast aside salary matters when evaluating a player. If Matt Stafford fails to live up to the contract he was given, then the Lions aren’t getting maximum value from money they’ve spent which cannot be used elsewhere, and thus will continue to suck. So yes, the money being stupid is a problem. But hey, you got coffee with him.
Tyson Jackson may not lead the league in sacks (he had 18.5 in three starting seasons at LSU), but he will lead the team in “yes sirs”
Yes, but what about smiles? Will he lead the league in that crucial category as well? If so, then his inability to rush the passer will never be a problem.
I was like everyone else — Larry English at 16? Crazy — till I got on the phones Saturday night and kept hearing, “Great pick.” Imagine if Shawne Merriman comes back healthy, and this team has Merriman, English and Shaun Phillips coming off the various edges.
And now you know that offensive lines have more than two edges to rush off of. How is that possible? I don’t know. I bet those crazy “The Office” writers figured it out somehow.
”I am ashamed and humiliated … I realize I cannot be the husband, father, son and citizen I want to be until I overcome my addiction. It is my highest priority, and will be the toughest challenge of my life, but I am going to get the help I need to achieve a complete recovery.”
-Former NFL receiver Jimmy Smith, in a remarkable mea culpa after his arrest on drug charges Thursday. You don’t often hear or read players be as humble and full of regret after screwing up as badly as Smith did.
Agreed.
I applaud him, and those who wrote the statement…
Wait, what?
…if, indeed, he meant what he’s quoted as saying.
Well Jesus fucking Christ. I don’t even know what to believe anymore.
Tweet of the Week
Really? This will be a regular item now?
/locks self in fallout shelter
The writer, Ayaz Hyder of Piscataway, N.J., is the first weekly Twitter award-winner in MMQB.
His prize? A day feeding Dr. Z mashed carrots.
Follow me and you might be next. That’s a threat.
It is? Well then, you’ve got my blood boiling!
The Twitter thing is going well. I have no idea what the value is to my company or to me…
You see, Twitter is like chemistry…
…but it’s fun, and the 6,490 Twitterers as of Sunday night came up with some good questions. Not very painful to respond, either. Sorry for all of you trying to get to me in the 24-hour period from 4 p.m. Saturday to 4 p.m. Sunday. Writing. Reporting. Monitoring. Traveling.
Eating. Expanding. Exerting a strong gravitational pull and influencing the tides.
Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week
Oh, boy. Here we go.
So I stayed at the Kansas City Marriott at Country Club Plaza over the weekend. I was pleased when I made the reservation because of the ridiculously low rate –$129 a night, which I think is the lowest rate I’ve had at any hotel since the training-camp trip last August. A city Marriott for $129 a night? Unheard of.
Looks like I know where I’m taking the kids on our next vacation, then. Who knew Kansas City would be affordable? It’s such a hot spot! You know what else you can do in this city? WALK! Who knew?
Great tip for bean-counters in a bad economy, everywhere.
You’re welcome, working class citizens of America. By finding a cheap hotel (that he didn’t actually have to pay for), Peter has single handedly saved you from a life of poverty and destitution. Peter likes hotel chains that love hotels.
Here’s the problem:
Oh god dammit. WHY CAN’T YOU BE HAPPY FOR ONCE?
The hotel was a jobsite. Still is.
Gee, might that explain the low rate there, Pete?
The lobby Friday featured the thudding and destruction of a major construction project. It was impossible to sit in the lobby without having your senses destroyed. I’d have stayed here anyway because I don’t hang around in hotel lobbies, and the rooms were quiet.
Then who the fuck cares?
But my question is: Why doesn’t a hotel chain as good as Marriott let potential hotel guests know that they’ll be staying in a construction zone? Then you’d totally understand the mess you’re heading into.
And then you wouldn’t stay at the hotel, and Marriott wouldn’t be able to fill any rooms, and then they’d go bankrupt, and then the world economy would collapse and we’d all begin selling our children’s live organs for bottled water.
But hey, it’s got a low rate. YOU POOR FOLKS OUT THERE SHOULD JUMP ON IT WHILE YOU CAN.
UPDATE: Commenters Upstate Underdog and AW both point out that Marriott fully discloses the construction when you book an online reservation. So really, what Peter King needs to do is beat his secretary.
In the lobby Friday, I commented about the massive mess to one of the bellmen, but he couldn’t hear me because of the construction noise.
That’s just what he wanted you to believe, my portly friend.
Changing planes at DFW Sunday, I used the men’s room near one of the American gates. I walked into one of the toilet stalls with the automatic flushers.
Bet that autoflusher had a nervous breakdown anticipating the king-sized Kit Kat you were about to blast its way.
WHOOOOOSH. I closed the door to the stall and sat down.
Three more times I heard the same WHOOOOOSH as I sat there and minded my own business.
That’s because it was trying to tell you something. It was telling you, “WHOOOOOSH… GET THE FUCK OFF ME. And stop tweeting, dammit. This isn’t a lounge.”
Of course, no flush when I get up and leave the stall.
YOU try flushing a goddamn telephone pole.
Gotta love technology.
Well, without it, we wouldn’t have concrete cyanide.
Really, really good story by ESPN’s Rachel Nichols on Michael Oher and the altruistic goodness of his adopted family.
Read all about Rachel’s story in “The Blind Side,” by Michael Lewis.
Hoping you didn’t buy in Jersey, Kellen Clemens. Hope you’re renting.
Unless you live in Montclair. A man could spend his whole life in Montclair and want for nothing.
I don’t like Brian Hartline to the Dolphins in the fourth round.
You don’t?
I love it.
WHOA! You totally had me going there!
Brian will definitely lead that team in “yes, sirs”. You watch.
I think in the interest of fairness in advertising, here’s how I fared in my Sports Illustrated mock draft (wasn’t that a beautiful design and layout and gatefold presentation in the magazine?)
You mean the one I had to open up and read sideways? Yeah, that was a blast. I spent the whole day marveling at it. Oooh, look! Saddle stitching!
Now I know how Paul Zimmerman felt over the years. “It’s torture,” he’d tell me, year after year, trying to get the mock as close to on the mark as he could. I saw how he worked it, starting at the league meetings in March and tirelessly calling every team, finding someone on each team who would give him one or two nuggets to point him in a direction.
But here’s how tough it is: Zim had five direct hits last year, and I know for a fact he worked it almost daily for a month. It’s just so hard to get right, because as Zim used to say: “One team making one pick you never figured screws up the whole thing.” This year, who had the Jets getting Sanchez at 5, or the Chargers pegging English at 16, or the Ravens moving away from Rey Maualuga ad trading up to 23, unexpectedly, to get Oher?
It’s a mock draft. Who in the fuck expects you to get it right?
Year after year, I say the same thing (actually, I stole this from a smart man in the league): The draft is the fourth-biggest pro sport in America, just behind the NFL, baseball and the NBA.
I’d like to meet this smart man in the league who failed to realize the NFL draft and the NFL are actually associated with one another as far as categorizing pro sports goes. But yeah, it’s a heck of an individual sport, this NFL Draft. What with its 4-point baskets, hexagonal fighting cage, and crazy penalties for hitting an opponent with your squash racket.
I think the Dolphins could be stealing a big exec from the Red Sox any day now — Sox chief operating officer Mike Dee — to be their CEO. Bill Parcells, the not-so-closeted Red Sox-a-holic, and Dee will get along just fine if the subject around the water cooler is Papelbon instead of Chad Pennington.
OOH, WE COULD GET PAPELBAWN TO RUN THE FACKIN’ WILDCAT! THAT WOULD FACKIN’ DEFINE CLUTCH!
I am so ticked off I missed Zack Grienke Friday night.
But this automatic toilet just wouldn’t flush!
Was that you, Zack, in the Classic Cup on the Plaza for breakfast Saturday morning? If so, a lot of us left you alone on purpose.
He respects your privacy, as he would the sun. Actually, Peter would have approached you, but there were miter saws being used outside! CURSE YOU AND YOUR REASONABLE RATES, MARRIOTT.
By the way, thanks to two Tweeters for steering me to the Classic Cup. Great pulse-of-the-Plaza breakfast spot.
You really get the feel of the hotel lobby when you eat French toast there.
Underrated coffee, always, comes from the French press. Had it Saturday, and even though it always comes out a little muddy at the bottom of the cup, it’s like Espresso Junior.
And never bitter. You fucking hear me, Sibling Rivalry?!
Good to spend the weekend around you, Ken Fost. You are Vasco de Gama, a true explorer.
Indeed, you are spiritual cousin to Pam Whiteley, who is Ponce de Leon.
And great to have you home, Jack Bowers.
Oh, Jack’s out of the hospital? Thank goodness.
You’ve got a little surprise, and I mean little, coming from your beloved St. Louis Cardinals in the mail.
Ooooh, what is it?! Is it a French press?
By the way, before we go, here’s a link to all the items being listed for the Dr. Z charity auction. Notice that nearly every item is valued as “priceless,” even items that clearly have an easily appraised face value. Oooh, autographed Dan Shaugnessy books! I hope they have gatefolds in them!
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, czervik construction was behind this, fat people, FJM style, floaters, fun with peter king, yes sirs
April 27th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Peter King is my hero.
April 27th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Peter King: proudly leaving floaters at an airport near you!
April 27th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
If that fuck fat ever made his own reservations at any Marriott he would know they inform you on-line when they are having contraction done at their hotels.
April 27th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Mr. King, I served with Toone P. Wiggins: I knew Toone P. Wiggins; Toone P. Wiggins was a friend of mine. Mr. King, you’re no Toone P. Wiggins.
April 27th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Holy crap, lunch with Teddy B currently has a bid 5 times higher than a “date” with Brooklyn Decker.
April 27th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
this installment of MMQB may have been PK’s worst. from leaving his soup can in the toilet to his aggressive misuse of bullet points in the “10 things…” section, it was complete horseshit.
April 27th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
“Holy crap, lunch with Teddy B currently has a bid 5 times higher than a “date” with Brooklyn Decker.”
@Aaron, just more proof that Patriot fans are gay.
April 27th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
@Aaron – that’s cuz Bruski’s promising a handjob…which PK will live-tweet
April 27th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Thank god fat shit hasn’t been introduced to a beday…Drew’s head will explode
April 27th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Once again Peter King proves that he’s the one leaving massive shits in airport bathrooms. Hey dumbass, there is a manual flusher near the toilet in case it doesn’t flush when your planetary body moves off the shitter.
April 27th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
‘Toilet Has Trouble Flushing Peter King’
fixed
April 27th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
”I am ashamed and humiliated … I realize I cannot be the husband, father, son and citizen I want to be until I overcome my addiction. It is my highest priority, and will be the toughest challenge of my life, but I am going to get the help I need to achieve a complete recovery.”
When I read that I thought Peter was finally kicking his addiction to Favre’s sperm.
April 27th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Good shit. Great shit.
April 27th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
what i’d like to know is, does PK read KSK?
April 27th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
When one tries to make reservations at the Country Club Plaza Marriott in KC, this pops up:
“Renovation Information
* The lobby, restaurant and lounge will be renovated March 23, 2009-May 23, 2009 with noise possible from 9am to 5pm daily. The restaurant and lounge will be relocated.”
April 27th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
@AW, thank you for proving my point.
April 27th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
“Zim had five direct hits last year”
Really? I recall Zim didn’t do a mock draft last year, so how in Raptor Jesus’ name did he get 5 direct hits? Was he playing battleship with PK?
/Dr. Z’s mock draft is always better than Mel’s, McShay’s and Mayocks
April 27th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
“Good to spend the weekend around you, Ken Fost. You are Vasco de Gama, a true explorer.”
“And great to have you home, Jack Bowers. You’ve got a little surprise, and I mean little, coming from your beloved St. Louis Cardinals in the mail.”
It’s unbelievable to me that this asshole has a cell phone that he admittedly uses a ton, and a Twitter feed, AND HE STILL FINDS IT NECESSARY TO WRITE SHIT LIKE THIS IN HIS FOOTBALL COLUMN THAT HE GETS PAID BOATS OF MONEY TO WRITE.
Jesus. By the way, “face-stuffing land barnacle” is ten kinds of awesome.
April 27th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
“Yes, but what about smiles? Will he lead the league in that crucial category as well?”
Not a fucking chance. Hines Wald and Romo can not be caught.
April 27th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Those automatic toilets weren’t like the ones at the Montclair Starbucks. Now those were great toilets. Lofty toilets.
April 27th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
That turd defines chemistry.
April 27th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Good MMQB column. Epic even.
April 27th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
@grifter – PK needed multiple people to teach him to tweet, I’m going to guess navigating the blogosphere is well beyond his capabilities.
April 27th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Any chance the construction work at the Plaza Marriott was an emergency upgrade to their plumbing system, initiated upon receiving PK’s reservation? At this point I’m willing to blame America’s crumbling infrastructure on the stresses caused by his massive bowel movements.
April 27th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
You know that Marriott employee called him a fat fuck under cover of all the hammering or what have you.
April 27th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
im shocked he can use a cell phone with his bratwurst sized fingers. Coming soon from Blackberry… The Blackberry FatFingeredMeltedFuckingKitKat
April 27th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Every time I finish reading this post every week, I am filled with a rage that I cannot get rid of. Each week, it builds and builds. I hope to one day run into King at a Jillian’s or airport shittery so that I may have a few words with him. Nothing over the top, no ranting, no swearing. Just a matter-of-fact, I hate your column and this is why chat. This is what I live for, the hate is keeping me alive.
April 27th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Mike D to the Dolphins. Jerry Jones counters by hiring MCA.
April 27th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
I sure feel for the writers in NYC – now that Mark Sanchez is there, how are they going to tell whether they are talking to him or Johnny Damon? It’s impossible! And what if Sanchez and Damon cook up a little scheme – where Sanchez plays LF for the Yankees and Damon starts at QB for the JETS – how will we know?! They are twins! Damon winging fastballs all over Giants Stadium to beat the Dolphins in December? Now that I would pay to see!
April 27th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
It’s unbelievable to me that this asshole has a cell phone that he admittedly uses a ton, and a Twitter feed, AND HE STILL FINDS IT NECESSARY TO WRITE SHIT LIKE THIS IN HIS FOOTBALL COLUMN THAT HE GETS PAID BOATS OF MONEY TO WRITE.
“You’re allowed two popsicles from the freezer, Debbie Manardo. But only once you’ve made sure the kids are in bed.”
“I’d like extra starch on my shirts this week, Ken Chang. And please direct your attention to the significant gravy stain on my tan trousers.”
“I need to have a conversation with you about this large lump on my rectum, Dr. Kenneth Pilaver. But I ask that you be especially discrete about the matter, as I fear it might be an embarrassingly disgusting hemorrhoid.”
“Thanks for the gentle touch provided in the men’s room of the Joyce Kilmer rest stop on the New Jersey Turnpike, Arnold Hamsher. You awakened a sense of discovery in me that I have not felt since last cuddling with the land baron. Rest assured that I will never tell another soul of the raw sexual power we felt in that stall.”
April 27th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Dammit, King’s lard ass broke the toilet *and* my comment.
April 27th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Bobby Steels: I feel your hate and share it. I think it is possible PSK is a Sith Lord, and this is all part of some cynical plot. We are slowly drifting to the dark side.
What about the SI editor? Lofty editor. Probably sucking back PSK’s regurgitated Favre jism and too enraptured to read this horseshit.
I ask again, does anyone remember the time he bragged about tricking a little kid out of a foul ball at a baseball game?
April 27th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
I’d like to wish a swift recovery to my friend Dave in Denver, CO. God speed…
Oh wait, I shouldn’t use any random forum/column/toilet stall wall to wish friends and family salutations?
April 27th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
I don’t like hating on Peter King.
I love it.
April 27th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
I feel bad for the housekeeping crews that have to clean up after FatFuck when he’s on the road. KitKat wrappers everywhere, 8-inch wide skid marks on the sheets, unflushed toilets, half empty starbucks cups, a very sticky poster of Favre, a broken mattress or two…
April 27th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
Thanks Drew. It’s been one of those days and then I remembered that today is the day that we all pause to remember no matter how bad things are, there’s some highly-compensated land barnacle out there that bitches weekly about things he was given for free to a national audience.
April 27th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
“I’d like to wish a swift recovery to my friend Doc Holliday in Tombstone, AZ. *it’s the TB* Breathe easy…friend.”
/has been damaged by King
//pleads for help
April 27th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
I read MMQB on my lunch break, and there’s always a moment, every week, when I stumble across the point in his column when I absolutely have to come over here and see him get torn apart. This week, it was his second WHOOOSH. Lofty flushing. Clutch flushing.
April 27th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
@Bill Brasky
Lofty shit.
April 27th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
I hate Peter King.
April 27th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
I for one want to commend that airport toilet’s courage for attempting to kill Peter King, even at the probable cost of its own life. Bravery like that is rarely seen in our day and age.
April 27th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
“I ask again, does anyone remember the time he bragged about tricking a little kid out of a foul ball at a baseball game?”
Yup.
April 27th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
“I ask again, does anyone remember the time he bragged about tricking a little kid out of a foul ball at a baseball game?”
It takes an incredible douchebag to do something like that. But man, it takes a sociopath to brag about it.
April 27th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Man, I feel sorry for that poor toilet.
April 27th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
My god, then man is now actively describing his bowel movements.
He…. he cannot be stopped now, can he? CAN HE????!!!
I fear for all of us
/weeps softly
April 27th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
But what does Peter King think about the swine flu pandemic? I must know!!!
Most people would be too embarrassed (because of the massive self-absorption that it would reveal) to recount a visit to the men’s room at an airport. Not Peter King. My god, his ego (not to mention his ass) must be visible from space.
Still can’t believe he gets paid to write this shit. The economy must not be nearly bad enough, if someone still employs Peter King.
April 27th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Has anyone tweeted these columns @ Peter King? Hide it with a tinylink, and then send that shit his way. You figure there’s gotta be a decent chance he clicks on it. Especially if you add something mindnumbingly banal. “Peter, here’s the best coffee in Boston! It’s clutch!” then the link.
Then I bet he cries.
April 27th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
From the softball story that Drew linked to:
“This is going to do nothing but make you envious of me, and so I’m not sure if I should write it or not, but I relate it only to let you know how thankful I am for the charmed life I lead, and to remind you that the next time I complain about anything job-related you need to put me in my place and tell me what a fool I am.”
Peter King, say hello to your comeuppance.
April 27th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Peter King just described himself taking a dump. My mind? Blown. I mean, I know on an intellectual level that Peter King takes a dump, but Jesus Christ, I didn’t have to actually acknowledge it. It’s the difference having siblings and walking in on your naked parents performing a Peruvian Moonshot.
April 27th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
As usual, Drew, great work. But you missed the best line, from 10 Things:
“3. I think — no, I know — that it’s no lock Braylon Edwards opens the season with Cleveland.”
So he’s certain that something is unpredictable? Wow. Now that’s insight.
April 27th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
From that column you linked to, Drew:
“This is going to do nothing but make you envious of me, and so I’m not sure if I should write it or not, but I relate it only to let you know how thankful I am for the charmed life I lead, and to remind you that the next time I complain about anything job-related you need to put me in my place and tell me what a fool I am.”
So really Drew, you’re doing what he told you to do. NO ONE IS SAFE FROM THE COMMANDS OF MIGHTY KING. NOT EVEN OUR BELOVED DREW.
April 27th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
“The draft is the fourth-biggest pro sport in America, just behind the NFL, baseball and the NBA.”
Yea, I really wish I hadn’t wasted my time watching the Penguins come back from down 3-0 in Philly so I could have watched people talk and athletes wear suits.
April 27th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
I cant believe no one else hasn’t thought of this…maybe PK wasn’t actually shitting..maybe he’s such a pussy that he’s sitting to pee
April 27th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Wait, I’m sorry, since when is $129 a night a cheap hotel room?
April 27th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
I don’t what you guys are complaining about. King’s shit anecdote was better than most of the excretions that appear under his byline.
April 27th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
the next time you’re on a panel with a self-righteous asshole who is blathering about how blogging has marginalized the credibility of sports journalism, please remember to point out that SI approves PK using their flagship football column to descibe taking a shit.
i’m almost at the point where these posts are more infuriating than hilarious.
April 27th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Wow, he really did trick a kid out of a foul ball. That’s … just … not cool
April 27th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
I’m not sure what the issue here is … A PK deuce would pretty much take the cake of all “Great moments in sports poop history”
April 27th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
@Kingofcheap, what you think PK is going to stay at a place like the Days Inn and Suites, located near the KCI Airport, with its complimentary WiFi, cable, and shuttle from the airport, as well as as free breakfast for $42/night? that’s crazy talk. I mean, finding such a deal is nigh on impossible, what with ’searching Expedia’ or ‘clicking on hotels.com’ or some such witchcraft. No, our liege lord Peter King will not, nay, cannot perform such feats of mental dexterity.
April 27th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Please excuse my ignorance but who is Ken Fost? I watch sports on a regular basis and I was safely assuming that Peter King was a sportswriter. I would ask about Jack Bower but then everybody would probably laugh at me.
April 27th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
wow, just read the foul ball article for the first time. what a schmuck.
first of all, PK is a bad person.
2nd, what “good use” is that ball being put to? do i even want to know?
3rd, i hate how confident he is that HE got the right ball. i mean, how could it POSSIBLY be the other ball that was 10 yards away. i mean, it’s not as if round things roll……
4th, i really hate Peter King (yes, of the Montclair Kings)
April 27th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
I just want to say, your weekly Peter King update never fails to impress. King’s sheer, clueless douchebaggery blows my mind. He’s paid, probably very generously, by a national sports magazine, allowed to travel the country, just to write two columns a week, and for what? 75% of the “content” in his columns is inane observational bullshit from a guy who probably injests some form of bodily fluid at every restaurant he goes to. He’s like Mr. Creosote without the decency to ask for a bucket.
April 27th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
I fucking hate Montclair… that whole area is full of pretentious pricks. Yeah, pretend you don’t live a 5 minute drive away from Newark, you fucking queers. I have frat brothers from there, hate those guys too.
In any case, I was so incredibly happy when King moved away from this state.
April 27th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Also from the old column Drew linked,
“I think if I’m Parcells I’m all over Brian Griese for little money June 2. Accurate guy, coachable guy.”
The “X thing, Y thing” meme dates back the better part of a decade. At least he’s cosistent.
April 27th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
“OOH, WE COULD GET PAPELBAWN TO RUN THE FACKIN’ WILDCAT! THAT WOULD FACKIN’ DEFINE CLUTCH!”
Oh lord, the combination of the two, the conjoined douchosity….
/head explodes
April 27th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
In the linked PK article showing us his douchey ways at the ballpark, Earth’s second moon writes:
“This is going to do nothing but make you envious of me, and so I’m not sure if I should write it or not, but I relate it only to let you know how thankful I am for the charmed life I lead, and to remind you that the next time I complain about anything job-related you need to put me in my place and tell me what a fool I am.”
So, he’s asking for it. Swing away. Send him blind links to this column. Immediately.
Toilet talk (Toilet prose???) is never appropriate in any public forum where a lady MIGHT read it (even SI). I’m old-fashioned that way. And I vomited in my mouth when the visual of King at the autoflush plowed through my defenses while reading this deconstruction of MMQB. I forgive the boys here, because the ladies who do brave this land are prepared for the worst.
April 27th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
It warms my heart every Monday morning/afternoon to see PK’s bloated face with his sideways & discolored eye tooth gracing my browser: feels like… home.
April 27th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Dr Z spent 24 hours a day for 6 months and only got 5 hits – PK spends 3 hours on a airport shitter and get 9 – take that you stroke retard Zimmerman.
April 27th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
@Animal Mother
“Zim had five direct hits last year”
Really? I recall Zim didn’t do a mock draft last year, so how in Raptor Jesus’ name did he get 5 direct hits? Was he playing battleshit with PK?
Fixed
April 27th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
@dewke
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2008/writers/dr_z/04/24/nfldraft/index.html
April 27th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
If you think there are ladies here then you’ve never read through a sex mailbag.
April 27th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Haven’t read through everyone else’s comments but I have Three Things I Think I Think:
1) ONREE ONE PELSON READ REAGUE IN SMIRES! EVEN THOUGH THELE NOW ANOTHEL HARF ASIAN NUMBEL ONE SMIRETIME NFR FOOTBARR PRAYEL…I MAKE SULE HE CUT DULING SUMMEL DLIRRS!
2) At the beginning of the SI.com’s NFL “live” blog, it said something to the effect of “Between latte runs, PK will be at KC Draft Headquarters”…um…seriously? They know this and don’t care?
3) McDaniels might as well have traded all of our draft picks for Herschel Walker. Like, today’s Herschel Walker…nothing against Knowshon, and good for getting Ayers (I guess), but fuck…you’re switching to a 3-4, spent your FIRST 1st rounder on a running back, traded away the extra one you got this year for Cutlerfuckergate, and drafted NO other 3-4 personnel, until, like, the 6th round.
/Thanks God he still roots for the Texans
//Flew back from said Texas this weekend to another foot of snow. FUCK!
April 27th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
Looks like he is replacing Favre with DJ Moore:
“@brodyselleck : I blew DJ Moore. Hazard of the biz. Believed two personnel people at 9 o’clock last night. They loved him.about 22 hours ago from web in reply to brodyselleck”
April 27th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Isn’t ‘flushing the toilet’ what it’s called when SI posts his latest bullshit?
April 27th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
I am so ticked off I missed Zack Grienke Friday night.
So ticked off you couldn’t even be bothered to spell his fucking name right. Fat assbucket.
April 27th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
King’s columns often resemble a bostondirtdogs article. The resemblance of ball licking homerism is uncanny. I bet Theo Epstein and Bill Belichick use Peter King’s tongue as a bidet. I wonder if Pete knew the Pats existed before 2001. I am surprised we havent heard more from King about the Celtics and Bruins yet. I guess it will just have to wait until the bandwagon of media love is almost full and King can collapse the whole damn thing into the rightful hate Boston teams deserve.
April 27th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Amazing story, Zack Greinke. Struggles with depression and then turns into the best pitcher in the American League, nay, all of baseball. Clearly, baseball’s served him better than Paxill ever could. Zach, you’d have a spot on the Monclair girl’s softball team any day.
April 27th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
@LenDawson — i agree with you for the most part. but i certainly was not ready for that fetish draft . . .
/still shaking head
April 27th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
You know, until today, I thought writing about bowel movements was the generously exaggerated hypothetical answer to “What’s this fat idiot going to do next?” and that no such thing would ever actually come to pass. I mean, for fuck’s sake.
April 27th, 2009 at 7:46 pm
And guess what…the AutoWipe wasn’t working either. Poor PK
April 27th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
The guys a god damn fecal freak. Remember a couple of years ago when he was describing his preparation for a colonoscopy?
April 27th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Jason Garrett: TRI-angular pass rush? Hmm, yes. I can see it. This would pose quite a quandry for a lesser mind. I should think rushing directly at the pointy-end would do the trick. Unless, of course, the Chargers have also signed Ray Lewis.
April 27th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
That story about him taking the kids baseball is making me physically angry. He needs to be force-fed “coffee-flavored water” until his colon explodes.
April 27th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
“…and praying I’ll be able to make it 2 more hours to finish MMQB.”
2 MORE hours to finish MMQB? It seems like anyone with an IQ larger than a shoe size could easily regurgitate simple prose that consists of a week’s worth of giant shits and coffee guzzling.
But I suppose in terms of all the bathrooms he’s destroying, it probably takes PK a while to find a plus-sized toilet.
April 27th, 2009 at 10:33 pm
And after a quick google search for Norman’s Rockwell’s the coin toss, I found it for 19.99 on art.com…..slightly less than the auction value of $200.
April 28th, 2009 at 2:01 am
Lofty crap.
April 28th, 2009 at 3:37 am
Never mind misspelling Greinke, Vasco da Gama would not appreciate his name being spelt wrongly. But hey, getting these right would require one to be some kind of a professional write.. oh.
April 28th, 2009 at 10:13 am
PK is actually resorting to self inflicted plagarism. I seem to recall him complaining about the auto flush toilets a couple of years ago and how much water they wasted.
I was also in Pittsburgh last week for a meeting followed by lunch with some of my clients. All of them lived there and not one of them knew the meaning of “Pittsburghish”. I am starting to think it’s a made up word.
April 28th, 2009 at 10:40 am
i am starting to wonder how many coffee joints have “added some creamer” to PK’s beverage for him. . .
April 28th, 2009 at 11:03 am
Tired schtick is tired.
April 28th, 2009 at 10:47 pm
At least the airport crapper with the malfunctioning autoflush wasn’t behind a one-way window. I shudder to think of the story that would result from that.