It’s that time of week again. Time for me to open up the mailhole, jam my fist inside, and spread my hand wide like a Texas five-star. Speaking of which, I have a mailbag question of my own for you people.

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BUNGLE’S GOT TALENT! Cincinnati tight end Ben Utecht to release a country album largely extolling the virtues of Jeebus. He probably should have made his singing chops better known when he was with the Colts. He probably would’ve gotten more balls from Peyton. Passes too.

Newly signed Jags receiver Torry Holt is entering the twilight of a successful career, but he hasn’t forgotten where he got his NFL start. No, Holt takes no bitterness with him to Jacksonville and to show it he dashed off a letter to the St. Louis Post-Dispatch thanking the ownership, as well as his coaches, teammates and the one Rams’ fan (Nelly?). Ever the considerate Midwesterners, the people of St. Louis aren’t ones to let a good deed go unrecognized, so they decided to respond in kind.

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Aaron Curry wants that number one spot. NFL.com’s Pat Kirwan is reporting that Curry, the draft’s top prospect on the defensive side of the ball is willing to take less money than the $57.5 ($30 mil guaranteed) that Jake Long signed for last year if he were to go in that spot. Regardless, all indications point to the Lions drafting Matt Stafford (unless they don’t!). Of course everyone who’s drafted in the top three will eventually sign contracts that will place them amongst the highest paid players in the league. And if you have a problem with that then you’re probably one of those jerkoffs who doesn’t think JaMarcus Russell deserves to make upwards of $19 million this year.

Here’s a rundown of stuff we didn’t get to for full posts today because we’re lazy masturbaters.

First, up top is a new video poking fun at the shtick of Mel Kiper Jr., who isn’t quite as reviled by our commenters as I would have suspected. C’MON HE’S FROM BALTIMORE, PEOPLE!

The latest post from Marty B is up and it’s another classic. Curious about the racially hot-button issue that is black people’s love of fried chicken and also why black people don’t come in picture frames (Answer: because black people are already framed in real life! ZING!), he decided to poll NUMEROUS PEOPLE and report his findings. He should work for Gallup.

The Jaguars joined the Lions in revealing fugtastic Arena League-esque uniforms. So the 13 people who own Jags jerseys will have to update with a new one. They even make Silky Garrard look off-putting. For shame.

The hot transactional-type rumors of the moment have Carolina shipping Julius Peppers to New England for a 2nd round pick and Richard Seymour. Drew said he can already hear Simmons saying he was the only one who knew Seymour was on the decline. Also, Tony Gonzalez is rumored to be heading to Philly. Because someone who keeps a macrobiotic diet would really be happy on an Andy Reid-coached team.

CNBC’s Darren Rovell did a story yesterday about athletes receiving free schwag or making a quick buck by endorsing goods or services on Twitter. Intrigued, we did a quick search and found that a number of our favorite NFL figures were already cashing in on the phenomenon. Check it out:

TheBen: “15 KILL STREAK ON CALL OF DUTY BEATS SUPER BOWL RING ANYDAY”

Percy_Harvin: Big thanks to Magic Bus head shop on Broad Ripple for hooking me up with that sweet-ass Graffix bong while I was at the combine in Indy.

PacmanJones: Yo yo Pacman down wid Belvedere Vodka. O YOU GON DRANK WID MR. BELVEDERE, BITCH. Chuh chuh 4:15PM from the strizzay

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A be-poloed lad at a Chargers-Colts tailgate has a bit of a problem holding his booze after taking a beer bong hit and goes headfirst into a nearby grill. But marvel at the way a drinking calamity brings out the frenzied best in rival fans, even if that means a cacophony of unhelpful commands. I especially like the suggestion that someone give up the Mandible Claw to induce vomiting. Bonus irony points for “Wrong Way” blasting in the background as the fail plays out.

HEY, READERS! REMEMBER LIVE BLOG? HE’S BACK! IN POG FORM! Yes, KSK live blogification returns this Saturday to cover the first round of the NFL Draft. So, join us, won’t you for more Grimey keeping things moving with Lucy Pinder pictures and StaubachLVR pronouncing every pick a bust. I’ll try to get video of Maj crying into his pretzel when the ‘Skins take Sanchez.

Due to a dearth of emails followed by a flurry of post-deadline submissions, last week’s fantasy mailbag was relatively light on content.  As recompense, we’re going to get to some of those emails now.  And, as a reminder, now through tomorrow is a good time to get submissions in for this week’s regularly scheduled mailbag.

But first, let’s tackle the problems of hapless weirdos with weird sexual hang-ups.  Or, as they’re more commonly known, “Lions fans.”  As much bad advice as you can handle after the jump.

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[A procession of kazoo players enter from a hallway, followed by a regal figure]

Fail Lion: Royal iconographers! What news of the design of the my kingdom’s crest?

Royal iconographers: [Together] Thy task be done!

Fail Lion: You mean you did my bidding in a timely manner? Within the allotted period? Such deeds bespeak success! IT WAS MY DECREE THAT SUCCESS BE BANISHED FROM MINE EYES!

Royal iconographers: [Together] My liege, we submit that we did exceed your budget by a factor of three.

Fail Lion: I suppose that will do. Show me the fruits of thine labors.

Royal iconographers: [Together] We have added The Lines of Articulation! Now the royal banner has become slightly less abstract. The Lines of Articulation define a lion’s mouth, his mane and his crotchular fold. What’s more, the team font has been equipped with pointy serifs. A man could be impaled upon one.

Fail Lion: Lines of Articulation!? I asked for stink lines! Herald!

Herald: [Unfurls scroll]

Fail Lion: Do you not see the effect? Pungent fore and aft! He achieves both rectal gaseous and halitotal stink! Truly emblematic of our peoples.

Royal iconographers: [Together] We have then failed to carry out thy will, your majesty.

Fail Lion: Ho ho! So you have! Speak of other changes.

Royal iconographers: [Together] The team color is to be named Honolulu blue! Such an appellation, by reminding your subjects of better climes, only serves to reinforce their misery.

Fail Lion: [Giddily clapping] Atrocious! Abysmal! Expertly awful!

Royal iconographers: [Together] And we have needlessly rounded and italicized the jersey numbers.

Fail Lion: Ah, but every kingdom makes that failure with jersey redesign.

Royal iconographers: [Together] Then we have failed at being distinctive, as well as creating tasteful uniforms.

Fail Lion: Thy wisdom shines through. Such is a garment fit for a Stafford. Ready his quarters, for his will be glorious welcome. The groans of my subjects will strike a most melodious pitch.

[Kazoos play]