Normally we’ve got no problem with Matt Vasgersian. In fact, I would go as far as to say he is a friend of the site. But this idiocy cannot go without mention. First of all, the whole “this black person looks like a well-known black person” is kind of played out– if it was ever funny to begin with. Secondly, in comedy, timing is pretty important; and Matt’s timing here kind of sucks.

Lastly, I know this appears to be a clip from a “Base Ball” contest, but bear with us. There’s a regrettable football connection before it’s over– followed by uncomfortable silence and then some forced laughter.

UPDATE: From the comments, Matt Vasgersian speaks in his defense: “I am an idiot .. Save the racial stuff which is just flat out wrong, almost all of what has been posted on my regrettably horrific timing is spot on .. It was a bad decision made on live tv and i can absolutely understand how that make an announcer sound insensitive. Bad on the spot judgment. Nobody feels worse about it than I do guys.”

Good enough for us. We will give you a pass on this one, Matt. Just watch out for queasy Philly QBs and pissed-off Denver EMTs who aren’t as forgiving.

[ Babes Love Baseball ]

Was that YOUR strain of the swine flu you were eying with desirous glances? NOT ANYMORE. It now courses through my veins! Consider yourself snookered! Another round of head-sized vodkas, barkeep!

Masterful gamesmanship by myself, if I may say so. After all, everyone was talking up swine flu in the days leading up to the draft. It was on everybody’s lips. Can’t argue with that. Sure, it has its detractors. It’s fatal, viral and Mexican. But it’s got major upside. Gonna be a real gamechanger, and much more versatile than McDaniels’ SUPERAIDS. I wasn’t fooled for a minute that any alarmist rhetoric somehow dissuaded you from being interested in contracting it. If ever there was a keen judge of motivations, it’s me.

Oh, you wish for me to seek treatment, do you? I see right through your smokescreen. Clear up my swine flu so you can keep it all for yourself. I didn’t get to be an NFL head coach because of my good looks. It took the mind of a brilliant tactician coupled with the iron will of [urp] oh God.

No, no, I’m gravy. Probably the head is a little dizzy BECAUSE OF THE AMAZING COUP I JUST PULLED! There swine flu was, ready to drop into your outstretched arms and WHOOSH, I snatched it from you like a thief in the night. That’s gotta be embarrassing. No wonder you’re licking your wounds with this whole “dire medical emergency” business.

“Your skin turning a sickly shade.” Yeah, okkkkkkay. Typical, buddy. I got what you wanted and suddenly the personal attacks come out. Let’s try to be pros about this. I, uh, whoa man.

Hey. I’ll be damned.

You know what? This thing just up and killed me. Right like that. All sudden-like. Now that’s some great value for a no. 1 pick. I bet your guy won’t even start killing you until his third year. I win at life. Or did.

We’re not sure if or when Mike Florio will feel the need to update this post, but we definitely enjoy the present incarnation.

Joke about mailing it in.

Third paragraph.

(crypt flies open)

(more…)

LIFE OF LAWRENCE TAYLOR TO BE MADE INTO KINETOSCOPIC FEATURE? According to the New York Post, it’s a solid maybe. “The movie moguls are interested in turning LT’s life story into a film, the way they turned Biggie Smalls’ story into ‘Notorious’ earlier this year.” You mean a formulaic biopic with poor distribution that squanders interesting source material and managed to bore all? Hot damn. Then again, if they get Craig Robinson to sign on, and attach Patrick Duffy to play Joe Theismann, and maybe swing Gary Busey as Bill Parcells, I might be convinced to come around. Until then, Big Fan is the only football-related movie on my radar.

TITANS INK SPAWN OF MORTENSEN. In a story fittingly reported by someone other than ESPN, the Titans have signed Chris Mortensen’s son, quarterback Alex Mortensen, who will undoubtedly be beaten out for a practice squad gig by Jay Glazer’s daughter, Adam Schefter’s dog and Internet Reports III. Had only the Titans held onto Chris Simms, they could have had the offspring of everyone ruining football on TV. [PFT]

“The NFL has had ’substantive talks’ with officials in London about holding the Super Bowl in the city.” [BBC]

Blasphemy!  London’s a terrible site for the Super Bowl!  Don’t they realize how cold and gray it is there during February?  No sir, hosting the Super Bowl should be reserved for real vacation destinations, like Indianapolis.  And Detroit.

(Note: The Rog says it won’t happen. But when have you ever trusted a redhead?)

When we last left face-stuffing land barnacle Peter King, he had finally gotten his Twitter feed up and running, thus signaling the beginning of the end of that startup’s financial potential. What kind of crucial information has King supplied you, the Twitty twitty gangbanging masses?

SI_PeterKing Ah, the glamorous life of a reporter. Drinking low-cal Vitamin Water and praying I’ll be able to make it 2 more hours to finish MMQB.

Ooom, low cal Vitamin Water. Well, la di da, Mr. Big Shot. Most of us have to drink regular water. We don’t get to have our water infused with seventeen different minerals and subtle hints of acai and pomegranate. Don’t tell me you’re just some poor reportin’ schlub, you cod lover!

SI_PeterKing Sanchez throwing out first pitch at the Mets Monday night. Memo to Mark: Don’t bounce it. They’ll boo.

And stop looking like Johnny Damon! You’ll just reinforce the Mets’ feelings as afterthoughts in their own city!

Anyway, to the column. Say Pete, what’s your top draft philosophy?

(more…)

Hines Ward: Yes. Have smirre extend flom one cheek to two cheek. Supel smirre, I am do. Am velee preased to have contlact extension in prace foll make celtain am with Steerel untir come of retlement time. Now can concentlate furry on continue winning Supel Bowr.

Happy to finish caleel as numbell one smaltest leceivel, numbell one leason NFR change lures to make reague pussy reague and, rast but no reast, numbell one Asian prayer arr-time, no question, peliod point because no can name bettel Asian prayer. No even tly.

[Draft podium flies open]

Press horde: Oh hey, look at this guy! Mixed, half Asian defensive back. Dad left China on a boat!

Hines Ward: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Me no cale if he a defensive boat. His dad go wlong countly! He tly go Amelica, get sterrpid dilection from Japanese asswhore and end up in Santonio vacation spot! WHO AM CALING ABOUT THIS!? NO PELSON IS CALING!

Press horde: Chinese AND Jamaican! Two vaguely disparate foreign ethnicities. Born outside the country! Playing in Boston, no less. It’s intriguing for a multitude of reasons. We can really play this up!

Hines Ward: HERRO! Me was boln in Seour. CAPITAL OF KOLEA! That rike fifteen Kingston, prus dericious kimchi. And if he flom Jamaica, he is obviousree razy. Smoke helb arr day. If not foll me, Santonio be the same. Need smalt leceivel to guide him. This guy have razy leceivel rike Landy Moss. HE GET MOLE RAZY!

Now risten. Rook light hele – this guy is lookie. TOTEREE UNPLOVEN! He could be bigg-ah bust! You is onree explroit laciar anger. THAT AZNPROITATION! LACIST!

Press horde: And you know if Belichick was looking at him, he must be quality the rest of the league was foolish to let slip. He could be the next Tebucky Jones! Another Patriots draft day gem!

Hines Ward: Algh. No smirre. I find a-this velee agglvating to me. Daichi, I need distlaction to give time dear with this uh plobrem. Give them the beatbox, supell fantaic good.

Now that the NFL Draft is over teams have begun to lay claim to all of those who went undrafted. The Redskins locked up the biggest name of the bunch in Chase Daniel, because why the hell not, right? The former Missouri Tiger is only one day into his NFL career and he’s already getting big-timed by “real” quarterback prospects. Somebody should tell Daniel that Sanchez, like other USC quarterbacks before him, only answers to “brah.”

(more…)