Worried you may have contracted the deadly swine flu that is fast becoming a GLOBAL PANDEMIC THAT WILL MOST CERTAINLY KILL US ALL IN A LANDMARK EVENT THAT HISTORIANS WILL MOST CERTAINLY END UP NAMING “THE PORK DEATH”? Well, it’s important you know the symptoms, symptoms matching those of the recent victims seen above. And here they are.

-Coughing
-Sneezing
-Snorting
-Willingly spending more than 6 hours drinking in a piece of shit Landover parking lot
-Gender confusion
-“Dancing bowel”
-Appearance in old Visa commercial
-Going from bitching about Art Monk not being the Hall to bitching about Joe Jacoby not being in the Hall (“He was greet on Sundees!”)
-Loves of pretzels, dancing (Maj only)
-Spending six hours discussing some stupid fucking golf outing you had
-Yellowheads
-Cranial gout
-Harris Teeter VIC card
-Waxy discharge
-Muumuu
-Double cheeks
-High school class ring
-Obvious hair transplants
-Monogrammed clothing
-Muddy saliva
-Dave and Buster’s game card
-Subcutaneous chocolate deposits
-Hypochondria
-Cauliflower eyelid
-Mild fever, some lightheadedness
-Affection for piece of shit team that will never win anything again ever, so fuck you

PROTECT YOURSELF. I suggest buying two surgical masks, Saran Wrapping your entire body, ionizing your home, burning the dog, and never living near any stupid fucking Redskins fans, like I do.