OO NOO! YOU MIGHT HAVE SWINE FLU, COOCH!
Worried you may have contracted the deadly swine flu that is fast becoming a GLOBAL PANDEMIC THAT WILL MOST CERTAINLY KILL US ALL IN A LANDMARK EVENT THAT HISTORIANS WILL MOST CERTAINLY END UP NAMING “THE PORK DEATH”? Well, it’s important you know the symptoms, symptoms matching those of the recent victims seen above. And here they are.
-Coughing
-Sneezing
-Snorting
-Willingly spending more than 6 hours drinking in a piece of shit Landover parking lot
-Gender confusion
-“Dancing bowel”
-Appearance in old Visa commercial
-Going from bitching about Art Monk not being the Hall to bitching about Joe Jacoby not being in the Hall (“He was greet on Sundees!”)
-Loves of pretzels, dancing (Maj only)
-Spending six hours discussing some stupid fucking golf outing you had
-Yellowheads
-Cranial gout
-Harris Teeter VIC card
-Waxy discharge
-Muumuu
-Double cheeks
-High school class ring
-Obvious hair transplants
-Monogrammed clothing
-Muddy saliva
-Dave and Buster’s game card
-Subcutaneous chocolate deposits
-Hypochondria
-Cauliflower eyelid
-Mild fever, some lightheadedness
-Affection for piece of shit team that will never win anything again ever, so fuck you
PROTECT YOURSELF. I suggest buying two surgical masks, Saran Wrapping your entire body, ionizing your home, burning the dog, and never living near any stupid fucking Redskins fans, like I do.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, haterade, hopes the flu is real so Beltway traffic will ease, quick hits
April 29th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Drew’s just mad because a pig humped him at a petting zoo 30 years ago.
April 29th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
I always wanted to die from something called “pork death”, and here I come to find out its just a stupid flu bug. What a rip.
April 29th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
Hot fudge is also greet on Sundeez… hot fudge for HOF.
April 29th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
I thought you could order the Pork Death at Denny’s
April 29th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
Don’t forget, “unconditional love of jorts”.
April 29th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
I hope this doesn’t mean I have to stop eating bacon.
April 29th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
Primus warned us about this in 1993.
April 29th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
- Deep-rooted admiration for Toone P. Wiggins
April 29th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Mmmm. Pork soda.
April 29th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
6 billion plus people in this world, and 150 so far have died from this. I wouldn’t really call this a pandemic yet. Hell, according to the CDC 36,000 people in the US each year die from the flu *granted, most are elderly or really young*. But if it weren’t for the fact that the mexican hospital keep turning people away that have symptoms because the workers don’t want the flu, or because the hospitals are over crowded, we’d probably see fewer deaths.
With that being said, one good thing has come out of this. Not many smelly Europeans are coming over to the states as of now, because if I was to wear a surgical mask for anything, it would be the french women with the hairy pits and no deoderant. And, I’ve always wondered…do the pits match the carpet?
April 29th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
The fact that pork chops, bacon, ham and the flu all come from the same source is proof that God hates us and wants us to be, like Skins fans: fat, sweaty, and delusional.
April 29th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Sure, Slothrop. They all come from the same magical animal.
April 29th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
Does this mean Mr. Burns will finally get out the check book and give to charity? I think not.
April 29th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Hey fuck you Drew. What has your shitty team ever won?
April 29th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
The Swine Flu claims another victim. It looks like we’d better euthanize jonthefisherman.
April 29th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
Blah blah blah joke about Drew having all those symptoms blah blah blah
Sorry guys, just not feeling up to scratch tonight.
April 29th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
It turns out haterade makes an effective flu vaccine. Thanks BDD!
April 29th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
You know who could bring us back to the glory years? Joe Gibbs. SOMEONE CONVINCE COOCH TO COME BACK!!
April 29th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
It’s just a little airborne, it’s still good, it’s still good!
April 29th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
I don’t think Maj has to worry about swine flu. something tells me it isn’t kosher.
April 29th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
You left out two other symptoms: lumpiness and the Cleveland Browns.
/Red vs. Blue
April 29th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
“Followed by millions of dumbfounded dipshits”
April 29th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
Hmmmm, I have Hypochondria AND a Harris Teeter VIC card. Best to be safe and burn all my clothes.
April 29th, 2009 at 9:29 pm
Hail to the Swine Flu!
Hail leth-ar-gy!
Phlegm and di-arr-eha….
Call the CDC!
April 29th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
They say that swine flu is caused by mutated strains of avian, porcine and human influenzas combining into one. That tells me one thing: Redskins fans have begun fucking Eagles fans. I think for the safety of our nation, nee the world, we should exterminate all the NFC East fan bases.
/won’t someone think of the children?
April 29th, 2009 at 11:27 pm
@J.L White: I assume that if the disease starts to incorporate Cowboys DNA, the “team chemistry” of the virus will cause it to turn upon itself and it will falter in the first round of the Pandemic stage after going 13-3 in South America. Thus, we will have nothing to worry about. However, we must beware 3 years down the road, as it will continue to try to resurrect its full, lethal potential by drafting special-teams standouts and viruses with long injury histories and character issues.
/Cowboys fan.
//seriously though, fuck the redskins and the eagles.
///reading the list of symptoms, I could have sworn this was about the Raiders.
April 30th, 2009 at 12:51 am
“Subcutaneous chocolate deposits” might be the line of the year so far.
April 30th, 2009 at 2:17 am
+1 Tice
April 30th, 2009 at 8:20 am
THE PORK DEATH is yet another possible excellent name for this years fantasy football team.
April 30th, 2009 at 8:38 am
@Gino: But they said I’d be feelin’ just fine!
April 30th, 2009 at 9:28 am
Explain Dave and Buster’s game card.
April 30th, 2009 at 10:30 am
You left out a couple of symptoms:
– Choking
– Poor decision making in the last two minutes of either half.
April 30th, 2009 at 10:43 am
I’d like to change “pork death” to “getting porked to death.” I encourage you all to spread this euphemism among your friends, colleagues, and johns.
April 30th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Does this mean I have to lay off chorizo for the next several weeks? Christ, just kill me now…
April 30th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Getting swine flu in the cooch can’t be a good thing for the ladies.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
“Affection for piece of shit team that will never win anything again ever, so fuck you”
Uh Drew–last I checked you were a Vikings fan, arguably just as big of choke artists (some might say even bigger) than the Skins. Not even Purple Jesus can save you from your shithole of a QB situation and crap receivers. CHECK YO MOUF!
April 30th, 2009 at 10:33 pm
Fuck … I’m going to Dave and Buster’s tonight.
…at least I should get out of going to work tomorrow. Thanks, porcine virus!
May 4th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Also, dementia resulting in thinking that Jason Campbell is an NFL caliber quarterback