One Reader’s Lucky Day: KSK Fantasy Football and Sex Advice Mailbag
Welcome one and all to another illuminating edition of the KSK Fantasy Football and Sex Advice Mailbag. This week we advise our readers on joy of implants and the proper way to get in the pants of an honest-to-god churchgoer. Plus, it’s one reader’s lucky day, because we’re going to make his anal dreams come true!
KSK,
I’ve been a reader for some months now (Ed note: About fucking time). My girlfriend actually got me to start reading your website a while back (She sounds hot, how’s her ass?), and I must say the sex mailbag is one of the most entertaining aspects of your site (Just wait ’til football season!). Well, to shorten this a bit, my girlfriend came up with the idea that you guys would never post my letter on the site, so she made a bet with me that if you guys were to post, I could earn my brown-belt. Now I’ve never had anal before, and let me tell you, her ass is spectacular (Nice).
I was just wondering if you could help a dude out. You guys are awesome.
-Novice
Congratulations, Mr. Novice, you’re going to get your dick dirty tonight! But just for the record, it’s not like it’s all that difficult to get your letter printed in this space. If I had to guess I’d say she’s really been craving it in the ass for a while now, and this is her sly way of making it happen without begging for it. Oh, and you can thank us with pictures of this allegedly spectacular ass (just to see how she stacks up against Jesikah).
To the ayatollahs of cock n’ rolla
so i’ll start with the sex question. there’s a girl at the church i go to who is pretty damn hot. however, as its, you know, church, is there any way i can actually approach her and try to pick her up? is there a better opening line than “some jesus, huh?” and are there any warning signs that she’s going to be all “no sex before marriage” that i can see before things get too serious?
As for football, i’m a Bears fan with a legit quarterback so i’m ok with that. Granted, no receivers, but hey, we can pick up Torry Holt and Plax and then i can kill myself in frustration. For fantasy
though, how do i get my friends to give a shit? Make it pay-to-play? Make better friends?
Thanks for the help!
john
People still go to church? Adorable!
/eats Matzoh
To answer the sex question, your best bet is to use the church to your advantage. She probably feels comfortable within the confines of church related activities, leaving her guard down and giving you an opportunity to strike. Approach her at the next ice cream social, picnic, or whatever the fuck it is you gentiles get into these days and ask if she would mind giving you a guided tour of her rectory. NO WAIT! Bad idea. Instead ask her if you might take her out for a nice wholesome Sunday brunch after church sometime. There’s no way to know how she feels about sex before marriage until the subject comes up, but it can’t hurt to pray, right?
On the fantasy front, you just answered your own question twice over.
Dear Degenerates,
When my wife wakes me up with a blowjob and then straddles me the morning after a night of drinking, I can end up inside before getting an the chance to take inventory. It seems she only chooses to play sexual alarm clock when I have a bladder bursting so full I can feel the Kidney Stones generating. Is intercourse with a painfully distended stomach pleasure or pain? I could tell her to hop off but your married members know the risk to rolling the dice Wifey’s mood for letting me back into such a wetdreamlike state.
Women know what it’s like to have to piss really bad, so hopefully she’ll understand that it’s a less than pleasurable experience to have somebody straddling you at a time like that.
Quick Weed Question: The papers have run out so you empty and repack a cigarette with ganja and tobacco. Is the filter cutting into my high? How much less smoke am I getting of how much lesser quality?
Packing weed in cigarettes is great for traveling, but it’s far from ideal. While the filter probably won’t lock up all of that precious THC it’s still not recommended. My biggest problem with this process is in the papers, not the filter. Cigarette papers are designed (by devious shiteating assholes) to burn at a rapid pace, especially when they aren’t packed with the proper amount of combustibles. What you need to do is invest in a small, efficient, and relatively inexpensive glass pipe to use whenever you run out of real rolling papers (or if you’re just tired of smoking paper with your weed).
Lifelong Lions Fan. What am I supposed to think about people bitching about thier team? I have a friend from Cleveland who won’t stop crying, let alone the sob story every Bears fan gives me. I still watch the Honolulu Blue, but I feel a know-it-all urge to explain true pain to anyone who complains and it is making me an asshole in casual conversation. Any suggestions?
No, you’re pretty much fucked. Just another bonus that comes along with being a Lions fan.
Autumn Heart, Chicago IL
Spring Gallbladder, Washington DC
Gay Mafia-
Football: When the Vikings inevitably move to Industry, CA in two years and bastardize their history, name, and team colors, what are my options as a life long fan? Do i keep my allegiance with the new team, or find another? I live in Phoenix now, and despite their super bowl appearance this year (a complete aberration), there is just ZERO chance i can root for the Buzzsaw. Nor can i just get behind some winning franchise because they win a lot (I’m not a douche. Well, a total douche). I’m a lifelong Vikings fan, i know only heartbreak and disappointment…
Here’s a suggestion, quit bitching and enjoy your precious Vikings while they still exist.
Sex: I’ve known my girlfriend for five years, but have only been dating her for six months. She lives in Kansas City, and as stated above i live in Phoenix. She’s thinking about moving here in a few months, and i think it might be a good move because i actually do like her and she puts out. A lot. But if she does live here, and i move in with her… Should i be expecting a drastic change in attitude from her? She’s pretty cool about my living my own life and being independent when she’s 1200 miles away, what are the chances that stays the same way when she lives here?
-Smitty Lite
Oh yes, that change will be drastic indeed. Whether or not it’s worth it is entirely up to you.
Hey homos,
Sex: My fairly conservative wife recently dropped a bombshell on me… after having our 2 kids suck her fun-bags dry, she’s considering getting implants. I’ve always been pro-natural, but figure I should investigate the current state of fake titties. I’ve only come in contact with one set of implants (bachelor party), and I was not impressed – too hard and un-naturally round. Have there been advances to make them softer and more naturally shaped (she’d be upgrading from a “small B” to a “healthy C”)? Are they safer now than in the past? How much is this going to set me back? (if any of the commenters have Canadian pricing that would be appreciated – no, our universal healthcare doesn’t cover that). Am I nuts to be sitting here at my desk, and not taking her to the surgeon right now?
Football: Sorry, no football question, too busy thinking about my wife’s rack (and the computer program from Weird Science.
Thanks,
Plasticurious
Well if the only fakes you’ve ever felt belonged to a trashy bachelor party stripper of course you’d be apprehensive. She probably had the surgery in the back of some guy’s van. Our collective advice: pay a premium and reap the benefits for the rest of your life. NOW.
KSK,
Let’s get the football question out of the way: Who are the best receivers after T.O. and Moss? I think Fitzgerald is definitely a top five guy, just ahead of Colston and Santana Moss. Am I wrong? This is important for a future FFL debate.
There are no important FFL debates. I think it’s safe to say that Fitty will rank ahead of TO going into this season, and it probably won’t be that close. And as much as I love Santana, I don’t see how he’s a top-five guy. Calvin Johnson, Anquan Boldin, and Reggie Wayne (among others) are all better options.
Sex question: Background info first. I’ve been dating this girl for four years. She just got out of school and left her family to move in with me in another time zone. I’m also five years older than her. I’ve never lived with a woman before, and she’s occasionally driving me crazy by doing next to no house work (laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping), among other things. She wants to get married fast. I mean, she’d elope if I asked her to. It’s not that I don’t want to get married, it’s that her desire to get hitched so fast, coupled with her apparent enthusiasm for it, makes me wonder if there’s something wrong with me.
I would like to marry her, but her energy on this thing is kind of frightening.
Also, I’m of the mind that people should wait a long time to get married to make sure they aren’t rushing into things. I’m 27, she’s 22. Although it’s not like I can say, “hey, we’re not going to see each other anymore so I can bang some strange ass and get it all out of my system until I’m ready to be tied down!” She’s already here. So I kinda feel like I’m stuck.
I’m rambling too damn much, so I’ll just let you guys have at it.
Max. Biloxi, MS
If you aren’t ready for whatever reason then you should make that clear to her, but citing her lack of dishwashability as a reason is a very bad idea that will likely leave you alone, and possibly castrated.
Dear KSK:
What’s a normal amount for married couples to have sex? We’ve gone from a nice average of about 3 times a week, to once – only on the weekends. It’s mostly our differing schedules that’s killing the sex life. I’m often already in bed, and nearly asleep, by the time my husband gets home from work. I know he thinks it’s not worth the effort to wake me up and get me into it, and since I am mostly asleep and therefore am not initiating anything myself, we just don’t have sex. So, what I’d like to do is get myself into the mood, before he even gets home… Which leads to my question: Can you advise on porn sites designed for women? Maybe some of the regular posters (FMRA or Clare?) can help?
How high is Curry likely to go in the draft?
Sincerely,
Just a girl who wants to keep her man happy
There is no “normal” amount of sex for married people. If you aren’t happy or are concerned that he isn’t happy then you two need to figure out a way to make some time. If you really want to make him happy you’ll stay up for your man. If you happen to be watching porn and waiting for him in your sexiest outfit (skin) then you’re doing your due diligence. As for porn, try doing a Google search for “porn for women.” You’ll probably get a few (thousand) results that should come in handy. As with all other porn, the best strategy is to browse extensively.
Wartmongerers,
Sex: Thanks to the commenter who suggested manscaping as a way to initiate taintplay…I did a little work with some clippers and my shortest attachment (wait that sounds bad) as a little protection between blade and sack. My question is how one goes about shaving his balls for the first time (Very very carefully). Seems like a daunting task and furthermore, if one were to succeed, what kind of effects should he anticipate, ie awful itching?
Oh, it’s gonna itch like a motherfucker for a few days.
Football: Bears-related again. In response to who Cutler’s going to throw to, I posit that the Bears can get away with running my Madden offense. Drop passes out to Forte, 6-yard completions to TEs and a couple play-action passes where Hester burns the defense. Any objections?
Stub Lee Balls
I don’t object, although I do think that’s one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard. If you can’t stretch the field from time to time defenses will start keying on those underneath routes and then nothing will be open.
Dear Purveyors of the Perverse,
Sex, first (of course) – My wife recently gave birth to our third son. Which makes a better Breastfeeding/Motorboating snack – Girl Scout Thin Mints or Oreos? Kidding, kidding. (Those things have gotten huge again and it’s all I can do to keep my hands off ‘em, though.)
Real question — Between her recent pregnancy and now chasing the other two tax write-offs around all day, you can imagine her interest in sex of any kind is pretty much null and void, right now. HOWEVER, as King of my Castle, Bringer-Home-of-the-Bacon and all around good hubby/father, I feel I shouldn’t have to go completely without some satisfaction for this long. (Last release with her was about 2 1/2 months ago). So, I ask you, how and when shall I broach the subject of a courtesy Hand or Blow Job? I’ve tried initiating a little kissing/rubbing, but she basically falls asleep the moment she hits the pillows. I don’t want to be a jackass and I do realize her day gig is much more difficult than mine, but needs are needs. Suggestions for getting a quick tug….or more.
2 1/2 months is unacceptable regardless of the circumstances. Make sure she knows you’re still attracted to her and that you have certain needs. A little bit of the old romance would probably help, and if you’re not dick about it and you’ll probably get your sweet release.
FF Question – I was fortunate enough to draft Purple Jesus 4th overall before his Rook season and am on my last keeper year with him. Due to my own ineptitude, I managed to miss the playoffs both years (finishing 5th twice) and securing the always-fun 6th draft pick in a 10-man league. My other sensible keeper appears to be Quan Boldin – but his contract status (or lack thereof) is scaring me a little. Any sense in keeping Run-DMC and hoping the Raiders figure out how to get him the ball 20 times a game? Then taking best available WR or QB at 6? Or keep PJ and Quan and take the best RB at 6?
Disrespectfully yours,
FearTheBuzzsaw
I say keep Quan and hope for the best with the sixth pick. The problem is that I have no idea who else in your league will be kept, so I don’t know what kind of player you can expect in that position.
Dear KSK:
Football:
If the over under on Plaxico’s jailtime is 1.5 years, what are you taking?
Under.
Sex:
So I’ve been banging this chick on the reg. She happens to do 2 very nice things for me: 1. do it doggy style whenever I want (my favorite position) 2. probably more importantly I never have to call her or go to dinner or any faggy shit like that, just drunken fuckin. This has been going on sometime now and I decided to request “the ass” from her, which did not go as planned. She said that this would only happen if I was her boyfriend. So do I press the issue and possibly fall into the unwanted boyfriend arena or drop it and continue to drink just enough so my dick can still get hard and call her at 4am? (Full disclousure: I have partaken in this un-Godly act a couple times before and would like to again at some point in my life.)
Regards,
Osi U.
You sound like you have little to no interest in an actual relationship with this woman, so you might want to go elsewhere for your anal pleasures. Just be forewarned, she’s not the only one that’s going to want some sort of commitment before giving you her ass. Some girls may be into casual anal, but those girls tend to come with a hepatitis warning label.
Thanks to everyone for their submissions. We’ll be back with more next week, so get your submissions together.
Tags: anal, ksk fantasy sex advice mailbag, Unsilent Majority
April 9th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
Max — Run. Just run.
FeartheBuzzsaw — How old is kid #3? You’ve gotta give her a chance to heal. Then take over one weekend day – and I mean really take over. Send her to the spa, and make sure the house is clean and the kids are fed and happy when she gets back. Her life sucks right now, so do something good and you’ll reap the rewards.
Besides, you need to do that type of stuff from time to time anyway.
April 9th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Sometimes you are just tired to fuck. Those of us with kids know what I’m talking about.
April 9th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Church girls are fuck toys. Always have been, always will be.
/Promise rings, my ass
April 9th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
To the guy that wants to shave his sack I’m sure there is a how to manual somewhere on the internet. Just don’t google it at work.
April 9th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
maj, great advice on the glass bowl. i don’t leave home without mine.
April 9th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
I think Fitzgerald is definitely a top five guy, just ahead of Colston and Santana Moss.
Dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever read.
April 9th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Andre Johnson is definitely a top 5 receiver, especially since he can have 1k yard seasons with Shaub and Rosenfels running that offense.
April 9th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
Max, she doesn’t do house work yet you are still thinking about marrying her?
You are either very brave or very stupid.
April 9th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Dear Lifelong Lions Fan,
The Pistons won 3 championships, and the Tigers won a World Series in the last 25 years. Go Fuck yourself.
Sincerely,
Cleveland
April 9th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever read.
there’s a whole internet out there, drew. you gotta start exposing yourself to all the stupidity it has to offer.
please don’t expose yourself to us, however.
April 9th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Max – Head for the hills, man. Pronto. A marriage would only bye you a few years of excruciating pain and misery until you finally get the sack to divorce her. Much easier to cut bait now. Plus, a bus ticket back home for her is relatively cheap.
FeartheBuzzsaw – I have four kids, fuck me running, so I know of what I speak. She is undoubtedly healed physically, just fucking exhausted. Her biggest turn-on would be for you to help her out as much as possible. Following the advice of MNYC would be spot on, and would assuredly result in you getting taken care of.
Just a Girl – There is no normal amount, but since you are unhappy about your present state, it is not normal for you and your husband. Hell, talk about it with him. Even schedule something – may not be spontaneous, but making the time and the anticipation leading up to it may work wonders.
Smitty – Bank on the drastic change in attitude.
April 9th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Max, Max, buddy… what the hell are you doing? She is not doing housework now, wait until you have kids and the mess gets..well..messier… Run like the wind boy!
April 9th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Maj – outstanding work this week. Those are two of the best pictures I’ve seen on this site! Oh, you thought I meant the advice. That was great, too.
April 9th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
@LaFavre: the original pic of jesikah at the top was way better, but it was changed when i refreshed to read the comments.
April 9th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Is the full bladder/weed/Lions query all one letter from Autumn Heart? If not, sorry for replying to someone else. Is your bathroom half a mile down the hall? Do you have an outhouse or something? As long as you get back to bed reasonably quickly, I can’t possibly see her giving you a hard time about running to the can before you get down to business. Nobody wants to get pissed on. Unless you’re into that.
Smitty Lite: Yes, your life as you know it now will be over if you guys move in together. Possible solution: Why can’t she move to your town but live, y’know, not with you?
Plasticurious: Well aren’t you the luckiest boy in the world?! Don’t cheap out. Take her to the best surgeon in town. Don’t be like Doug Heffernan in the “half off the second eye” episode of King of Queens (fuck you, that show is hilarious). Along with the “don’t cheap out” edict, you should be aware that the doctor might suggest some other surgeries to go along with the breast implants–lipo, a tummy tuck, etc. Google “mommy makeover” for an idea of what I mean. p.s. You’re not going to get to play with her new jugs for a while after the surgery. From what I understand from watching many episodes of “Plastic Surgery Before and After” on Discovery Health, there are, like, drains involved.
I’m of two minds about Max’s problem. If he tells her he doesn’t want to get married because she’s shitty at doing housework, he deserves a good swift kick in the balls. On the other hand, she’s only 22. When I was 22 I was drinking until I blacked out, making myself Velveeta sandwiches for dinner, and doing my laundry once a month. He might be asking for more than this girl can reasonably be expected to be mature enough to handle. Still. Fuck you. The floor is not a hamper. Put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. Your girlfriend is not your maid. If you want a maid, here’s the phone number of Lorrie’s Cleaning Services. (228) 424-2363. You’re welcome.
Just a Girl: Don’t watch porn. Start reading Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup, or Literotica.com. Thank me later.
Stub Lee: Clearasil pads, baby powder, and hydrocortizone cream. Trust.
FearTheBuzzsaw: I can’t improve on Maj’s advice, so just do what he says.
Osi U.: I once read a quote from Nina Hartley where she said anal was about “seducing the ass.” You might actually get it from your lady friend if you slow-play the situation.
April 9th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
@Max – the chances of marrying a girl at 22 and her being completely ready for all aspects of it are about 100-1.
As long as she’s not a complete slob, roll with it for now and, if you are the anal sort, make a chore list and let her pick which ones she wants to do. Remember – you’re banging a 22 year old. There are certain concessions you will have to make.
@WLUN and MNYC – Boy #3 is only 4 weeks old. I’m definitely not being an ass and I even get up to change diapers after she is done feeding during the night. (Except for one night I had too much wine and slept 8 hours straight)
She’s got a spa gift card she hasn’t used. She’s got tickets to DMB with her friends in a month or so. (Yes – she’s got horrible taste in music.) I may go ahead and book a limo for them and see if that’s a nice enough token to get me to Handy Land.
I COULD just TALK to her about it, but we are married you know. Being vague and somewhat deceitful is so much more fun.
April 9th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Since fantasy is well gay, I’ll stick to real life: Andre Johnson and Larry Fitz are the two best receivers in football and, unless Calvin Johnson finds a QB who knows the bounds of a football field, it isn’t particularly close. Sorry, Randy.
April 9th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
I think the format should change to a Fantasy Football / Sex / Weed advice column.
April 9th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
FTB – I misread the age of your youngest; my bad. Yeah, may be a little early yet for her. Sounds like you are making a yeoman’s effort and are doing all the right things. I know women get incensed at any hormone references, but after childbirth, their horomones are legitimately bouncing all over the place (and I am not making any post-partum inferences, just the mere fact that they gave birth to a fucking human being.) Pretty amazing stuff. Maybe all you can do is continue to be supportive and a great guy, and let things run its course. And, get a subscription to Brazzers.
April 9th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
@Plastic- choosing a Plastic Surgeon is like choosing a good mechanic/auto shop. Get multiple estimates and ask for references. In this day and age, chances are someone you know (friend of wife, relative?) has had some plus 2’s put on. Ask around and have your lady do some “research” with those who have work done. They’ll be honest and tell you how good they turned out.
/Or just stop girls with big racks at your local mall and ask if they’ve had work done. (Not actually recommended.)
April 9th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Stub Lee Balls – I use a Fusion Power to shave my boys and have never cut myself, except for once when the shaft slipped out of my hand and the ’shroom dropped right on top of that 6th blade on the backside. So you might want to use a Mach 3 Power or something. The vibration shit rules. Anyway, for the first time, my only advice is to go slow, be careful, and shave it 3 times in a row to make sure you get everything. It sucks stepping out of the shower, drying off, looking down, and seeing a bunch of stragglers. Mine have never really itched, they just tend to stick more, so invest in some baby powder or Gold Bond (yellow bottle only!). That’ll take care of any itch too.
April 9th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
As a young, recently married man, don’t marry a woman who can’t or won’t do housework. Unless you like doing laundry.
Also, don’t marry a 22 year old. They’re all stupid
April 9th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
I liked the mail bag a lot better when people were discussing shaving pussy, not balls.
April 9th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Calvin Johnson has no QB last year and was the ONLY option on the Lions all year and he still lit it up as a rookie. By his 3rd season CJ will be a monster, QB or not. And it’ll be wasted on a team that’ll be lucky to get 6 wins the next two years.
As for the guy who has to commit to the girl to get anal from her, be very careful. You commit, you get anal, she could be a real psycho. You don’t commit, and she could cut you off from all sex, since you’ll be making it very clear you want nothing but sex from her. You should have just hit the wrong hole. Better to ask for forgiveness than permission.
April 9th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Oh, and you can thank us with pictures of this allegedly spectacular ass
Does this actually ever work?
April 9th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
I’d like to thank Max for living my life and asking my question for me. Good onya, mate!
April 9th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Just a Girl: Masturbate. A lot. Fire up your sex toy of choice half an hour before he gets home, get yourself close, then wait for him to finish the job. Porn can be incoroprated into this, obviously. I’m a fan of RedTube and YouPorn, because plotlines are just silly.
April 9th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Does this actually ever work?
Sometimes
April 9th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
LionsFan: get a one hitter. It doesn’t even have to be glass, it can be one of those cig, imitations. also as a fellow Lions fan, or “fan,” I totally understand where you’re coming from. Listening to anyone else, (anyone! even Raiders fans) whine about their team is infuriating.
April 9th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Max: Get. Fucking. Rid.
April 9th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
x2 Katni
And if you’re willing to pay, you can get quite realistic fakes.
April 9th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Sometimes
Nice!
April 9th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Shinons: Don’t you remember the saga of Rocco’s ex-wife?
April 9th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
@Clare-wasn’t that in The Canterbury Tales?
April 9th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
@BDD: You’re absolutely right. That IS fucking stupid, and I am embarrassed over it. I hurriedly scribbled that question down just so I could ask the sex question. (Thought it was a requirement.)
@Clare: Okay, maybe I’m an asshole, but here’s the thing: if you want to get married, you’re at least pulling your own weight around the house, right? That’s all I’m saying. And I can’t afford the maid service, but thanks for the recommendation! :)
Here’s the thing about the girlfriend: I get good days and bad days with her (maybe it’s my perspective). Some days she gets all mopey and shit and I feel like driving for the Canadian border (22 hours away) and pulling a ‘Run, Rabbit, Run.’ And then there’s those times when she’s totally normal.
Appreciate all the advice I’ve been getting. Thanks.
April 9th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Fear the Buzzsaw- 4 words…Handjob in the shower. Take a shower together and gently broach the subject. It is semi-romantic, takes little effort on her part and there is no mess to clean up. 4 weeks is probably enough time for the healing to stop the bleeding, but not for everything to feel back to normal.
By the way, I am 4 months into my third and you are both going to be exhausted for AT LEAST the next 4 months…and counting.
April 9th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
To the dude giving his girl breakfast in bed, what is your secret, I have broached the subject and am getting no love. Am I just fucked for not marrying a morning person?
April 9th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Shinons: Don’t you remember the saga of Rocco’s ex-wife?
Hm…not off hand. I assume that I’m like most men in not being good at remembering things that happened before five minutes ago.
April 9th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
make a chore list and let her pick which ones she wants to do
DIAF. But you change diapers? Oh my God, American Hero, don’t overexert yourself.
What I remember from four weeks was that 1)your tits hurt a lot, 2)you are suicidal to some degree, and 3)the baby is really cranky and screams all night. Your basic Hanoi Hilton scenario. Can’t imagine why she doesn’t want to suck your dick, Mr. Baby Whisperer.
Incidentally, if you Google “porn for women” you will find the book of the same name. It features pictures of men doing housework. Think about it.
April 9th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
@ Max–
“Some days she gets all mopey and shit and I feel like driving for the Canadian border (22 hours away) and pulling a ‘Run, Rabbit, Run.’ And then there’s those times when she’s totally normal.”
Sounds like she’s just, you know, being a woman.
@Lost – not a bad idea. If I can distract the kids with a very special one-hour episode of Diego, I’ll go for it.
April 9th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
I’m too lazy to look up and see who wrote “make a chore list and let her pick which ones she wants to do.”
I must say though, only do that if you want to drive her away. My roommate started doing that to me and within a few days she knew to stop.
April 9th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
Novice – Lucky asshole! We want pics!
*cries bitter tears*
Autumn Heart (wtf?) – Tell your wife you have to piss first. If she’s got a problem with that, piss while you’re inside her. That tends to get the message across REALLY well.
Smitty Lite – Women will put out like crazy RIGHT UP UNTIL YOU ASK THEM TO MOVE IN WITH YOU / MARRY YOU. At that point it stops. End of story. She’s been really sly about it. Living apart from each other, “Sure, live your own life baby, I don’t mind!” crap (while secretly she’s fucking boiling with anger/jealousy over the things you MIGHT be doing), then the innocent “How about I move to Kansas and move in with you?
You’re thinking she’s the best thing ever, surely it can’t change that much, right? Wrong. 3 billion guys have thought that before you. All 3 billion were wrong. The plentiful sex ends the moment you pop the question.
But hey, look on the bright side. Soon you, too, will be singing about Business Time!
April 9th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Max, run! If you’re this wierded out, you probably aren’t ready to get married.
Buzzsaw, my wife had twins 12 weeks ago, so I feel your pain. If you can afford it (about the price of a decent hotel room), I highly recommend a night nurse to ease the lack of sleep (and carry a shift or two yourself); and definitely get her out of the house for some alone time. I think you well within your rights to ask for a little sweet release.
April 9th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Plasticurious,
Stop. I don’t know your wife or your life, but a married woman looking to get plastic surgery screams gearing up for prowling to me. Unless you’re an unbelievable catch, it’s possible she’s looking to get new tits before dumping your ass for half your assets and your kids. Or for plowing Manuel, the Puerto Rican pool boy.
Now, I realize that could be semi-offensive, and I don’t know your wife. She could be wanting to get them for you. But, just pause and think about it. Don’t get hung up on “BIGGER TITS!!!!!!”
April 9th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Not sure about anyone else here, but the only time I will roll a joint, is if I cannot find my bowl.
@UU
Sex makes kids, kids destroy sex. At least for a while.
April 9th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Start reading Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup, or Literotica.com. Thank me later
As an author on literotica, I can heartily second that recommendation.
April 9th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
@Mamacita -I wasn’t annointing myself “Husband and Father of the Year.”
And our baby has slept for 4 hour stretches since the day he came home from the hospital. In fact, they all have.
Sorry your kids have made your life a living hell – each kid is different, I suppose.
Did you miss the part where I mentioned her day job is harder than mine? How about the fact I have been doing all the laundry, hired a housekeeper and take the other two kids out all day on Saturday and Sunday?
In other words, doing all the things a lot of us Fathers/Husbands try to do when their wives obviously need a break.
Maybe YOU’D like to suck my dick?
/if your comments were somewhat in jest, my apologies. but when I had to google ‘diaf’ it pissed me off.
@Carrie – that was me about the chore list suggestion. I thought it might be a nice, gentle prodding way of saying “You need to clean shit up.” But I can definitely see your point.
April 9th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Hey sunshine, don’t ask the question if you can’t handle the answers.
April 9th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Without reading the comments or the rest of the post because I am a raging homer (umm…) -
YOU DIP SHITS FORGOT ANDRE “THE FUCKING TRUTH” JOHNSON while you rattled off a bunch of other shitty wide receivers who couldn’t lick the salt of Andre’s balls.
Yes, I feel better now.
April 9th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Max, your question rubbed me the wrong way and your fake-ass passive-aggressive condescending follow-up didn’t help your case. Your girlfriend is not your maid. You want the place neat, clean up after yourself. I’m done talking to you.
April 9th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Plasticurious –
Always beware a girlfriend / wife making a noticeable change for the better. This is probably similar to your wife hitting the gym and dropping 20 pounds. Great for you but possibly a sign of trouble. If she is still unhappy after she fixes one of her own issues, she may decide she was unhappy with you all along.
You get what you pay for as far as elective surgery, but don’t forget how pissed you’ll be if some other dude gets to enjoy something you paid for. If you are a fat fuck, at least factor in the cost of a gym membership for the next few years.
April 9th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
@CJD. it’s a vicious cycle.
April 9th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
Stonecutter — my twin boys are almost 9. It will get easier eventually. My wife and I had a deal where, each night, she would be in charge of one kid and I would be in charge of the other; the next night we switched kids. It was pretty fair that way.
In contrast, my law partner and his wife had twins 6 months before we did. They had an army of nannies and nurses. He looked a lot healthier than I did for the first two years.
And what’s with all you people with three kids? Are you fucking nuts?!?
April 9th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
@FTB– You don’t have to argue with me. I’m trying to get you laid. I’m telling you that 1)it’s still early and 2)it is impossible for your wife to get in the right frame of mind when there is so much shit that needs to be done around the house. At least try to make your bedroom a calm and clean place — do something with the laundry, even if it’s just hiding it in the linen closet. Let her relax a little. My guess is that she’s still interested in having sex with you, for whatever reason; you just need to push those other things out of her mind so she will remember that.
April 9th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Oh yeah, FTB — GET A FUCKING VASECTOMY! Maybe she’ll be hornier if she knows you’re not going to knock her up again.
April 9th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
@Mamacita – Thanks. Didn’t mean to go all Rocco on you.
Luckily, my wife is incredibly even-keeled. Me? Not so much.
@MNYC – we were supposed to stop at two, but Mrs. Buzzsaw was on some kind of meds and not taking birth control. Then, in a drunken, anniversary-fueled evening……
Then again, ask WLUN – he’s the maniac (practicing Catholic?) with four.
April 9th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Stub Lee – Words of advice:
Don’t. Go. Against. The. Grain. Ever.
And use lotion afterwards.
April 9th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
Am I the only one totally offended at the guy who complains about wakeup blowjobs? Deal with it you fucking pansy! Any normal re-blooded male would kill for this type of activity once a year much less on a regular basis.
April 9th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Seriously, pregnancy makes chicks nuts, and that shit leaves residual animosity and bitterness. Witness the petulant bitching of mamacita. Don’t fall into this trap of doing everything in order to get a weak ass rub’n'tug. I did- did everything all the whiny women are complaining about- housework, yardwork, laundry, etc. Yeah, I got a couple of half-hearted blow jobs out of it, then a divorce for my kid’s birthday. It sets a really bad precedent- she thinks, “Wow, I am acting like a total shit head, and he is stepping up even more than usual! I definitely gotta keep this up!” The answer lies in more: more drinking, more smoking, more eating, more masturbating, more exercise, whatever gets you off that doesn’t involve mt. estrogen. Good luck, but you were the dumb ass who had three kids in the first place, so I have zero sympathy.
April 9th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Draft gurus will be pimping Fitty because their seasonal memory sucks donkey cock. He had a great post season = he’s best receiver ever. Idiots.
Top 5 I’d go:
1. Moss
2. Reggie Wayne
3. Fitty
4. Andre Johnson
5. Bobby Wade. Lock.
April 9th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
@ sketchy,
That definitely deserves the “most bitter comment” award for the day. Damn…
April 9th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Oooh, tell us the rest of the story, Mr. Sketchy! You’re knee-deep in pussy now, right?
April 9th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
Man, and I thought I was bitchy today…
Sketchy, you win.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
The problem with Max’s story is that it sounds like this 22 year old (yes age matters here) gave up her life to go live with him. She just finished school, but does she have a job?
If she’s not working and not helping around the house, then I can see why Max is worried. If they’re both working and she moved into is home, his he treating it like her home too? (Do they share bills? Is he paying for everything? Did he always treat her like a princess before and she expects the same?)
Does this girl feel like she gave up so much to be with him and is still maybe sorting out what it is like to be on her own for a change?
I’m not saying I agree with Max, but I have been in a similar situation and when the other person is not pulling their weight around the house it blows.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
Really though, she wants to get married in a hurry? Run for the fucking hills.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
@Mamacita – Somebody was actually willing to marry you with that attitude? Wow.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
You’re knee-deep in pussy now, right?
NO ONE DENIES THIS!!!!!!
April 9th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
the accepted paradigm is that guys swallow a whole bunch of shit from their wives, don’t say anything to the woman about it, then go and complain to their buddies. I call this “scary mommy” syndrome. Once I realized that I didn’t have to take a bunch of shit from a girlfriend/wife, things got a whole lot easier and I got laid a lot more. I’ve found that even though they may say the opposite, chicks want you to be in control (standard daddy issues). If they don’t, run like hell.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Max – Don’t do it. Take it from me, I had reservations when I was dating my now wife, but was pressured into it. I didn’t have the balls to breakup with her cause I was miserable and Irish (see Matt Damon’s scene in the Departed saying that Madolyn would have to do the breaking up). I got married and hoped things would get better…they didn’t…they got worse.
Sex always sucked, and now it is non existant. I have two kids and planning my escape. Although I love my kids. You are still young, so is she…don’t stay if you are not 100% connected!
This is painful to write…
April 9th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
Max: Take all of your money, go to your BIloxi casino of choice. Put it all on black. The ball won’t lie.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
TO>Moss.
Because he blocks, you espn-watching fuckwads.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
I’d never want to be knee-deep in pussy. Or surrounded by pussy.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Honest Question: For fantasy football purposes, what the hell does it matter who blocks what?
So I should draft Hines Ward in front of Calvin Johnson then?
April 9th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
I got married and hoped things would get better…they didn’t…they got worse.
It’s amazing how many people actually believe this. “Once we’re married, things will get better.”
No. No they won’t. If you are EXTREMELY fortuitous, things will stay relatively the same. For the other 99.99% things get mildly to aggravatingly worse. Not just sex, but basically everything. Marriage is WORK, people.
/Still loves his wife.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Wow, great mailbag followed by an even greater debate/advice/comment section. Not bragging but I’m a 60 year old with a 35 year old wife. Love all the advice given on this site of sites. Thanks.
April 9th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
In response to who Cutler’s going to throw to, I posit that the Bears can get away with running my Madden offense. Drop passes out to Forte, 6-yard completions to TEs and a couple play-action passes where Hester burns the defense. Any objections?
Objections? Just one – YOU TRADED TWO FUCKING FIRST ROUND PICKS FOR CANNONARMED FUCKFACE JAY CUTLER! NECKBEARD CAN THROW A 6-YARD OUT!
April 9th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
Stub – put a towel in a chair, strip down, have a seat, and spread Nair all over (sitting down in the chair will keep the Nair up on yer taint/lower balls)…yes, it heats up a little bit, but it doesn’t burn…just keep it away from the tip. No razor burn, no muss, no fuss, throw the towel in the wash and hit the shower to scrub the hair off your your newly minted “barely legal” man tools.
April 9th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
you THINK fitzgerald is a top 5 receiver??? pls tell me more of your magical theories on Fantasy! i also THINK he is. i THINK he might be in the top 1 somewhere.
and, santana moss? Here’s a list of receivers better than him:
Fitzgerald, AJohnson, TO, Randy Moss, Boldin, Jennings, Wayne, Marshall, Royal, both big dudes from San Diego, Dwayne Bowe, Steve Smith, Roddy White, Houshmandzadeh, Colston, Lance Moore, maybe Hines Ward, Braylon, the guy from Tampa…
April 9th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
and Calvin Johnson. forgot him. and maybe Desean Jackson, and maybe Lee Evans, and maybe even Roy Williams this year.
April 9th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
+100 NMC
At 11+ years, we still have to work at it but we laugh together a hell of a lot more than years 1-5.
April 9th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
To Sack Shaver,
I was the guy who suggested manscaping. Hopefully it’s worked out for you. As for taming the shrew back to baby’s bottom-like texture, I’ve never gone that far. I scratch in public enough; I don’t need to make more reasons. My only advice is to use the most extra sensitive of shaving creams, for god sakes take your time, abstain for half a day afterwards to prevent bumps and grossness, and be prepared for the inevitable fire crotch. (The “not fun” kind, not the “Lindsey Lohan” kind.)
To Smitty Lite,
If she moves out there to live with you, marriage is now on the table, and the clock is ticking — this is non-negotiable. It’s how she’s already thinking, for sure. If marriage hasn’t already come up, it had better. If it has, you had better make your stance absolutely clear on the matter and come to a mutual agreement before packing even one box.
To Osi,
You’ve both consciously agreed to be whores together, which in principle is awesome. Her waving off butt sex is her line of whorishness that she’s comfortable with drawing. There’s nothing you can do, save a stupidly drunken night where all of a sudden she wants it. Accept fate, and the maintenance-free sex (you dick).
April 9th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
RE dude with wife that “recently” gave birth (how recent we talking? A month? 3 weeks? Maybe I’m slow, but I can’t tell from your question and they told me there would be no math… I’d think if “recent” is anything less than 3 months, suck it up and jerk it yourself. I don’t think married dudes should have to do without it for too long, but these are kind of extreme circumstances. I’m not entirely unsympathetic to your plight, but unless you’ve gestated and given birth and then suckled another human (or at least carried milk-engorged boobs around), I’m pretty much on your wife’s side here. Yeah, you bring home the bacon, but she’s got 3 kids to care for. One of them a squalling, completely dependent infant. I am not assuming you don’t help out, but… I’ve never had a kid or gotten married, so it’s possible you should ignore my input here.
Guy with live-in girlfriend: Eh, I dunno. I mean, I think getting married before you’re 25 is insane, but that’s me. She probably figures you’ve been “dating” for 4 years, she’s probably aware of tons of engagements that didn’t last that long, so she figures, why wait? Plus, she moved for you. I’m guessing as far as she’s concerned, you may as well get married and start enjoying all the awesome benefits of marriage, like that same-last-name thing, filing a joint tax return and bitching about never getting laid. So I say: Go for it! Kidding… If she’s been “hinting” about marriage (or is she outright saying, “Let’s get married!”), you either want to or you don’t want to. If you say you don’t want to now, she’s gonna be pissed (again, I’m guessing here) and will want to know why. I suggest you don’t mention the housework thing, though. To me, having to talk a dude into marrying you does not bode well, so I can’t imagine why someone would go that route, but again, I may not be typical.
RE guy with wife who wants a boob job: I disagree with the (men’s) interpretation of this suggestion. I doubt that a woman with 2 kids wants to be divorced. I could be wrong, you are (or should be) the best judge of how the marriage thing is working out, but I just don’t think women are nearly as eager to get back out on the “dating” scene as men seem to think. I can’t think of any chick who dreams of having 2 kids with a guy and then promptly dumping him so she can find another dude. Unless she’s dumb enough to think that her odds of getting a quality man to stick around will improve once she’s a single mother. Your wife doesn’t really need bigger boobs, she needs a “lift,” so to speak, but I’m guessing she figures as long as the doctor is in there, he may as well pump up the volume a little. I haven’t heard of a quality boob job going for much less than $7K. They’re body parts, not shocks on your car.
April 9th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
Wooo! Nice to see some Calvin Johnson love!!! He was at least one of the best WR’s this year and if you factored in QB play (or lack thereof) maybe even THE best.
April 9th, 2009 at 9:23 pm
@ Cause I thought I should… :
To Max and everyone else. Read this mans story. My ex never did house work and by never I mean never fucking ever. I thought with the marriage she may start chipping in. Nope. I will be honest about this, the longer we were together the more pissed off I became about this. We were married 10 years had 2 kids and I worked two jobs the last 5 years we were together because she refused to get a job. Oh yeah, Max, the last 4 years we didn’t have sex. At all.
To “Cause I thought…” You are reliving my marriage and I don’t blame you for plotting your escape. I only wish I had gotten out of mine about 4-5 years earlier.
Been divorced 10 years now and 10 happy years they have surely been.
?dick joke?
April 9th, 2009 at 10:14 pm
Max: Be very afraid of any woman who shows overly strong enthusiasm for getting married, and wants to get married asap. Run like the wind, or you might find out one day that she has “accidentally” stopped taking her birth control. I’m not even bullshittin’.
Also, if your relationship is such that you guys can’t communicate about things like housework, or about why she’s in such a hurry to get married, then that’s another sign that you guys shouldn’t be getting married. And 22 is awfully young for that, anyway.
April 10th, 2009 at 12:20 am
My nephew has a few words to contribute. He is still 25. Max, if you want to look into this, try living together for at least a year to see if you can actually stand each other in close quarters. The four year thing apart is good but try it living together in the same household for a year. A lot can happen when you go from being boyfriend girlfriend to being room mates and all that entails.
Realize that she is only 22 and she will keep changing every year for the next 18 years. “We call them the whoring years” – actual quote from my nephew. He says 25 is the new 21 for women. They want to go out, go clubbing, dancing etc. Because they missed the opportunity when they were young and sheltered. Now they’ve found their new individuality and they are broadening their horizons, so to speak. This is immediately followed by a deep regret for getting married at an early age which is then followed by the stray eye.
My nephew states that if you decide to stay in the relationship you better be prepared for a lot of sloppy seconds. How much are you willing to change and put up with for this woman? Because she isn’t going to change.
I call my dick Gilligan. He’s my little buddy.
-End dictation from my nephew-
April 10th, 2009 at 2:07 am
@ Stub Lee Balls: The first time I gave my man parts the close shave was fall heading into winter; it wasn’t pleasant after a day when the little hairs grew back and the ball sac shrunk up whenever I stepped outside. Literally breathtaking. At this time of year, I’d say you’re good. Just take your time, and try to trim the pubes as short as possible before taking the razor to it; try shaving in the shower with warm water on, that way the sac will shrink a little, but not too much that you can’t get rid of the hairs. And don’t be too picky about getting all the hairs or you’ll get razor burn.
April 10th, 2009 at 4:59 am
Stub: Ignore the amateurs and take it from a long-time nudist. Go to the black men’s haircare products and pick up a tube of Magic. (Its ostensible purpose: keeping the pate smooth and shiny.) Slather it on your nethers, wait ten minutes, then shower it off. Presto, smooth as a baby’s butt. No nicks, no stings, no nothin’. You can thank me later.
April 10th, 2009 at 10:09 am
Andre Johnson, Calvin Johnson, Fitty, Quan, Marques Colston.
*0.0137 pence*
April 10th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Just a girl – I’m ALWAYS a fan of the naughty text messages. Stay up and let him know what’s in store when he gets home. If someone already suggested this, I apologize – I tried reading through all the comments, but couldn’t take the bitching about marriage because I’m too happy my divorce from the Biggest Douchebag Ever was finalized this week.
Stub Lee – there’s a product out there called Tend Skin. It’s the best for taking care of shaved lady bits OR man bits.
“I think it’s safe to say that Fitty will rank ahead of TO going into this season, and it probably won’t be that close.”
More like necessary to say.
April 11th, 2009 at 1:25 am
@ Max. . . Welcome to the exciting world of living with females. Try and split up the work around your place. Maybe you can do the stuff she hates doing, and she can do what’s left. Either way, unless she walks in the air, doesn’t eat or sleep there, she’s making a mess.
@Just a girl-> Have you tried taking a power nap? Otherwise, I’d suggest getting into some sexy lingerie, and playing with some toys. That way, the hint is loud and clear when he comes home.
April 11th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Holy crap you guys need to be more careful with the advice you give. If you are going to put the search term “Porn for Women” anywhere near Google, and then “browse extensively” you had better make sure your Anti-Virus and rootkit detection software is up to date and hardcore. Security technology is designed to work great for casual, and unfortunate stumblings upon malicous websites. Trolling googles indexed sites for Women Porn is walking through a minefield.
April 13th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
my new FF team name: casual anal.
July 6th, 2009 at 7:34 am
The pay-per-view broadcast has drawn millions of viewers across the globe for years.