Message to NFL Draftees: Cleveland Is a Perfectly Nice City
This fake tourism ad for Cleveland is undeniably charming, even if it is piling on top of a decade or two of “Cleveland sucks” jokes. Just think, this abject hellhole would be far and away the most unlivable city in the NFL if it didn’t get such stiff competition from Baltimore, Detroit, Pittsburgh, Indianapolis, St. Louis, Jacksonville, Buffalo, Cincinnati, and Green Bay. And Houston ain’t no dream, either.
Discussion: Imagine if you had to live in an AFC North city. Is Cincinnati actually the nicest city in the division? Or do the race riots push the needle to… Pittsburgh? What about death? Is death an option?
(via Videogum)
Tags: but cleveland does suck and i feel the world should know, captain caveman, GeoFlaWa
April 19th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
I like this comment from a Cleveland defender on the video:
But the absolute best part of Cleveland? NO TRAFFIC!
The best part of this city? NO ONE ELSE WANTS TO LIVE HERE! I COULD DECLARE MYSELF KING IF I WANTED TO!
April 19th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Pittsburgh was voted America’s most livable city a few years back, so maybe that counts for something. But I’m from Pittsburgh, so what do I know.
I do have family from both Pittsburgh and Cleveland, and I can say with certainty that Cleveland is far more depressing.
April 19th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
Pittsburgh is like Cleveland, only with 300,000 Michael Tunisons!
April 19th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
At least Baltimore is an easy drive to a real city (DC), so that probably should earn some points.
April 19th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Two weekend posts? You don’t say!
I’d have to go with Cincinnati. Nice stadiums, good teams come to play their shitty teams once in a while, and…second biggest Oktoberfest in the world after the big one in Munich. Plus they have WKRP, right?
April 19th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Since I live in one of the nondescript Midwest towns, and have either worked or visited in the remainder of the towns you mentioned, I have the self-bestowed authority to comment here.
The most unlivable cities of the group you mentioned:
Detroit, Cleveland, St. Louis, Buffalo
Tier 2 unlivable:
Baltimore, Cincinnati, Green Bay, Houston
The most livable of the group:
Pittsburgh, Indianapolis, Jacksonville
My criteria are arbitrary, and for transparency I live in Indianapolis. Indianapolis floats between the three tiers depending on the time of the year. August and January is the worst. Surrounding those months it moves into Tier 2, and it’s actually quite livable in april/may and october/november.
April 19th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Cleveland is actually a pretty nice city to visit, far better than that shithole they call “Detroit.”
April 19th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Real city, n.
City with a greater number of homicides than the city with which it is being compared. City where public parks double as homeless shelters. City that has already lost two MLB teams and acts like it wants to lose a third. City where former mayorshit the pipe in attempt to forget what city they were mayor of. City where hockey team is about to lose to the *Rangers,* for crissakes. City that makes Philly look like the jewel of the NFC East.
/could go on.
//denies twice having chosen to live in Syracuse
April 19th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Cleveland is one of those cities you can’t pass through fast enough on the drive from Chicago to New York.
April 19th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Thanks for the Sophie’s choice of cities there.
Not a single good option, but I think it’d have to be Pittsburgh. Cleveland and Baltimore are clearly out, and the idea of living in the City That Fucks Up Chili is just too much for me to bear.
April 19th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
“Who the fuck still uses payphones?”
Funny, haha.
April 19th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Not a single good option, but I think it’d have to be Pittsburgh.
Hope you like orange traffic cones.
April 19th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
I once “dated” a girl from Cincinnati. She was an absolute whore.
April 19th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
@ Deux Deux Deux
Hey, my moms from Cincinnati. Then again, she is a bit of a whore…
April 19th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
This is why I stay on the West Coast.
April 19th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
My Ranking of AFC North cities by TV show:
1. Baltimore: The Wire
2. Cincinnati: WKRP in Cincinnati
3. Pittsburgh: Mr. Belvedere
4. Cleveland: The Drew Carey Show
“The Wire” is by far my favorite show of these, but it’s an advertisement for not moving to Baltimore. The less said about Pittsburgh and Cleveland’s shows, the better. So I’ll take Cincinnati and it’s on-air talent of Venus Fly Trap, Dr. Johnny Fever and Les Nessman.
April 19th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
Everyone knows that Pittsburgh’s population is just over 300,000 (and shrinking), right?
“Pittsburgh: Hey, We’re Almost As Big As Wichita!”
April 19th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
The bad rap given to Pittsburgh is about 30 years overdue. The city is beautiful now and if you don’t think you’d like to live here I encourage you to spend some time here. But yeah, Steelers fans are usually jackasses
April 19th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
“Everyone knows that Pittsburgh’s population is just over 300,000 (and shrinking), right?
“Pittsburgh: Hey, We’re Almost As Big As Wichita!””
Misleading statistic. Over 2 million people live in the Pittsburgh metro area.
April 19th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
“Misleading statistic. Over 2 million people live in the Pittsburgh metro area.”
If he was talking about the metro area, he would have put “metro area” in there, dipshit. Quit trying to defend a hellhole.
April 19th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Ranking the mentioned cities from best to worst:
1. Pittsburgh
2. St. Louis
3. Baltimore
4. Houston
5. Jacksonville
6. Cleveland
7. Cincinnati
8. Buffalo
9. Detroit
10. Green Bay
April 19th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
I agree with Sultan. Pittsburgh is actually a pretty city. Very underrated as is Milwaukee.
There are plenty of cities that ACTUALLY suck. Like Detroit. And Green Bay. Been to both for games – hope to never go back.
April 19th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
the only redeeming thing about jacksonville is that it’s in florida, so it benefits from the beaches/nice weather year-round. and it’s no longer as cow-populated as it was ten, fifteen years ago. still, i’d rather live there than any of the afc north cities–plus the fans are nowhere near douchebag about the jags (you know, since they could care less)
April 19th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
“If he was talking about the metro area, he would have put “metro area” in there, dipshit. Quit trying to defend a hellhole.”
The Wichita reference is what made it inaccurate; Wichita’s metropolitan area contains less than 600,000. Therefore, if you come into Pittsburgh on any given day, it will contain more people than Wichita does, because most of the jobs in the area are in the city. Whether people live within the city boundaries is irrelevant.
April 19th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
the only redeeming thing about jacksonville is that it’s in florida,
I would think that is one of the bigger knocks against it.
April 19th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
well, i love florida. pretty beaches (okay i lie, but there are lots and lots of beaches), you can wear flip-flops year-round, it never gets much lower than 40 degrees (and for the most part we experience 60 degree winter weather)… but then again, i was born on a tropical island, and would probably die if i were ever exposed to snow.
/also helps that i’m a gator fan
//completely irrelevant to the nfl discussion
///except maybe for percy harvin
April 19th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
Yeah, warm weather is nice. But I had to live in Orlando for a year, which is conveniently located in the middle of the peninsula and therefore not near beaches. Or anyone without a chromosomal defect. On the plus side, it was 2000-2001 so I wasn’t around here to listen to the cockharvesting Ravens fans bleat about their lone Super Bowl title.
April 19th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
oh, boohoo ape, one of the years steelers fans couldn’t brag about winning the superbowl…
April 19th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
Eh, I’m a Green Bay fan and I don’t particularly like the city. However, I wouldn’t put it in the same discussion really. Boring, yes it is. Otherwise, though, it’s not all that depressing or dangerous. Good standard of living. You get used to the weather. People aren’t terribly political and/or racist (not enough black people for any real edge). I would definitely hate to be a young black man in his 20s trying to live there from a stimulation standpoint but not a bad place to spend the part of the year football players are forced to live there. No one trying to shoot you for going to see a dying relative at the hospital anyway.
April 19th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
Cincinnati is lovely, it’s the Kansas City of the Middle East.
April 19th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
@GothRodgers
I second that thought.
Also, the person who put Milwaukee ahead of Green Bay? No thanks. You can have the pollution, the “I-hate-Chicago” Penis envy, the segregation and the Jesse Jackson wannabe politicians (white and black). Fuck that city. The City of Milwaukee should thank God every day that Gary IN exists, if only to be able to point and say “At least we’re not Gary”.
April 19th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
Hey, Cleveland can dream. I even hear they’re getting an Ikea store-sized draft pick known as Andre Smith.
April 19th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
After living in both Pittsburgh and Cleveland, I can’t fathom anybody choosing to live in the Mistake on the Lake unless they were severely brain damaged. To be fair, after driving through Cincinnati several times, it seems like a nice enough place.
April 19th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
As a Steelers fan, I’ll concede that the Great Lakes Brewing Company is a great microbrewery. Their Christmas Ale is delicious on draft. Burning River is also solid, especially since it reminds me that they once set their river on fire. Plus, the Blossom Center is a great venue to catch a concert and blows away the Coca Cola/Star Lake/whatever it’s called now Amphitheater.
April 19th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
I’ve lived in both Cleveland and Cincinnati, and Cleveland is way worse. Smells terrible, and the concentration of tOSU fans makes me want to vomit. The traffic comment in the beginning is relevant; I’ve been to churches that were more exciting. Baltimore scares me.
April 19th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
@Moirrra,
North Florida’s oppressive humidity is what makes it blow goats. That, plus the fact that you have to deal with a bunch of dumb crackers who don’t realize that their state would be like Alabama if there weren’t a ton of Yankee transplants to administer the place.
Still, there’s something to be said about a place where girls can wear sundresses 300 days per year.
April 19th, 2009 at 11:04 pm
orange julius:
you got me there. the humidity, especially in the summertime, is suffocating. it’s like you are constantly enveloped in a thick blanket of warm beer and vomit.
i’m not gonna lie, there are some pretty redneck parts of town where everyone goes muddin, and cuz i’m, you know, asian, i get the occasional racist remark (something about me being from japan/china/korea…wrong on all three accounts). but i also love the fact that i own like two pairs of pants and one jacket, because you’re right, i wear sundresses and skirts 99% of the time
fwiw, i would hate to live in ohio. can’t stand anything to do with ohio state, and i just can’t imagine ohio-ians being very attractive
April 19th, 2009 at 11:07 pm
… i cannot BELIEVE i am defending jacksonville/florida this vehemently, btw
April 19th, 2009 at 11:18 pm
Luckily, I haven’t been to most of these cities. Unluckily, I have been to Baltimore twice.
“Charm City” my ass.
April 19th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
pittsburg loses more people than cleveland (not by much, however)
cleveland is the 15th largest combined statistical area (pitt 18, cinci 21, baltimore is 4th because at that scale its numbers are combined with washington DC)
cleveland is the 17th largest TV market (pitt 23, balt 26, cinci 34)
http://www.demographia.com/db-cbd2000.pdf
when ranking central business district employment…
cle 13, balt 14, pitt 16, cinci 23
and when ranking CBD land area…
cleveland 1.54, balt 1.09, pitt .66, cinci .71
compare those numbers to LA 1.25, boston 1.23, houston 1.53, NY 7.82, CHI 3.36
so you see my friends, the media and what you perceive can be misleading. cleveland has a big downtown, one of, if not the best, orchestras in the world (knows as one of the “big 5″), the second largest performing arts district in the country outside of New Yorks broadway. Only seven cities (Chicago, Cleveland, Los Angeles, New York, Norfolk, San Francisco and Seattle) had downtown growth rates that exceeded those of their Metro Statistical Areas between 1970 and 2000, with cleveland posting the greatest downtown growth rate of any other city in the country.
and btw cleveland tied with pittsburg as the two most livable cities in america.
just my two cents.
April 20th, 2009 at 12:41 am
As far as Florida goes, I think it’s pretty much beyond dispute that everything north of I-4 could be given the Hiroshima treatment without a net loss to mankind. In fact, I’m pretty sure there’d be a net gain. Gainesville may be nice enough, but I’d be willing to sacrifice it if it meant taking out Jacksonville and Pensacola. If some of the collateral damage spills into Georgia and Alabama, so much the better.
April 20th, 2009 at 12:52 am
@pooter:
There’s a goddamned “h” at the end of the name. PittsburgH. Why the fuck do you people spell it without an “h”?
April 20th, 2009 at 12:59 am
What’s with all the St. Louis hate? I thought it was a decent enough city when I visited. A lot of former players on various St. Louis pro teams tend to stay there after their career is done, That’s gotta mean something, shouldn’t it?
April 20th, 2009 at 1:08 am
@That’samare
“A lot of former players on various St. Louis pro teams tend to stay there after their career is done, That’s gotta mean something, shouldn’t it?”
St. Louis pussy is incredibly easy?
Did somebody rattle off an ORCHESTRA statistic to defend Cleveland? Holy shit. “Well, let me tell you about our arboretum . . . “
April 20th, 2009 at 1:10 am
@Drkdstryer
my fault man.. no disrespect was implied and that wasn’t my goal.. it was just hastily typed.
what do you mean “you people”?!?!?! (chappelle…)
April 20th, 2009 at 2:26 am
As a former resident of the ‘Greater New Orleans Area,’ I’ll say that St. Louis is like New Orleans…only if New Orleans had its shit more together.
April 20th, 2009 at 5:11 am
I grew up near Cincy, in a small enough town that made Cincy attractive and a destination point every single weekend (at this point, was too young for Newport, KY, which is across the river and where all the bars are). Regardless, I’ve always loved the place and there are places inside of it that would be fantastic to live in (Mount Adams, for instance). And fuck off, Skyline is pretty great for chili dogs. I’d take it over Pinks here in L.A. any day of the week.
April 20th, 2009 at 8:12 am
I’ll say that St. Louis is like New Orleans…only if New Orleans had its shit more together.
And by “had its shit more together” I assume you meant “was drained of all color and fun.”
April 20th, 2009 at 8:44 am
When you order a chef’s salad in Pittsburgh, they put french fries on it. Your move Yinzers.
April 20th, 2009 at 8:54 am
I’ll say that St. Louis is like New Orleans…only if New Orleans had its shit more together.
Let’s be clear, East St. Louis is considered a completely different city right?
‘Cause I haven’t seen a whole lot of tent cities near the Landings.
April 20th, 2009 at 9:12 am
cincinnati is aweful. please don’t come here.
/checks to see if anyone is looking
//goes back to enjoying city
April 20th, 2009 at 9:19 am
Ohh, Pittsburgh and Florida talk!
I was born in and lived in Pittsburgh for 22 years and love the place. I went to college in Meadville, PA and if anybody is at all familiar with that area you’ll know just how much is sucks…and makes the winters of Pittsburgh seem that much more bearable than they had been beforehand.
For the past two years I’ve lived in Ft. Lauderdale, and on the whole, over the course of the entire year, the weather is not that much better here unless you can tolerate the heat. I could not do Dade or Palm Beach counties, only Broward. Miami should be bulldozed into the ocean. Believe it or not, I actually like Jacksonville because they have some semblance of a non-summer season. And I second Ape; Orlando is easily one of the least livable cities in the country. Fuck that place. It’s a desert with rain…which doesn’t make sense until you spend a significant amount of time there. God, do I hate Orlando.
I’d actually respond but this is KSK and the post is obviously just an attempt to get some people fired up in the comments. Unless you are looking for some douchey-South Beach style clubs then all of the cities in the midwest are easily livable.
April 20th, 2009 at 9:39 am
Hooray Meadville reference!!
April 20th, 2009 at 10:10 am
I’ve been to a few of these cities. I even live in one. Example Saturday in one a few years ago: Morning tee-time, bacon double cheeseburger and beers while watching a playoff hockey game, baseball game @ 7, bars & strip clubs later. I think that’s pretty livable.
April 20th, 2009 at 10:26 am
@rocco
At which of those establishments did you meet the famous “girlfriend” from the mailbag?
April 20th, 2009 at 11:25 am
Looks like it’s up to me to defend Buffalo’s honor.
[Inhales, hitches pants up to waist]
Nope. I guess I can’t.
April 20th, 2009 at 11:25 am
@Rob: Come on man, that’s not cool. She was my wife, and we didn’t meet at any of those establishments.
April 20th, 2009 at 11:44 am
@AndreReed: I would give it a shot as well, but I’m honestly afraid of the backlash.
April 20th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
@ pooter
You forgot to mention the part where Cleveland is a yawning chasm that is the entrance to Hell.
April 20th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
N fla = S Ga.
Carve out gainesville and drop the bomb, motherfuckers.
April 20th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
rocco she had good boobs. ahem…HAS good boobs. take solace in the fact that you squeezed them once. and they were lovely
April 20th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Saying this would get me killed in Cleveland (where I’ve lived all my life), but I do think Pittsburgh gets a pretty bad rap. It’s a nice city despite the yinzers who populate it. Of course, I also wouldn’t live anywhere else but Cleveland, so what the hell do I know?
April 20th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Open invitation to come to Buffalo. Make it a Bills home game weekend. Tailgaiting at the Ralph is pretty solid.
April 20th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
jacksonville smells like ass. otherwise it seems like so many other busted-ass southern towns: just one waffle house closing away from not having any cott-damned culture at all
and probably just as many fat ugly white women as picksbergh
of all the AFC North Cities I would have to go with Baltimore
because it’s not in the middle of fucking nowhere
compared to these other hellholes you have a lot of options for leaving Baltimore
which is the only viable means of comparison as there’s no way I could stand to be trapped in any of them
April 20th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
The entertainment opportunities in Buffalo are limitless.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pSO-kdWLFes
April 20th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
@Mike Tyson: What, no metion of the other chain restaurants here?
April 20th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
i currently live in gainesville (go to school here), and can’t understand why people would choose it over jacksonville. i do love the college town atmosphere, and of course the campus is great, and during football season (which, to be fair, is year-round in gainesville) it is completely transformed. i will never forget storming university avenue after the championships, but i wouldn’t choose to live here over jax.
April 20th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
…and no one says shit about Houston cause it’s the most boring megalopolis in America.
April 20th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
well, as bad as j-ville smells from I-95 it was always a welcome repugnance because it signifies that you are no longer in South Carolina. at least not officially.
so j-ville can’t be all bad
plus I’m liable to say anything to appease moirrra as there’s a chance that she resembles her avatar
there’s nothing like Asian girls with Catholic names and Spanish hips
April 20th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
woo houston yeah
/celebrating 4/20
April 20th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
I spent the first 22 years of my life in Florida (mostly Orlando, and you’re right Ape) and the whole state is fucked up. Orlando sucks, but Jacksonville is just as bad. Northern Florida is RED neck.
If you must visit Florida, I recommend the SW coast (Sarasota, Naples). Nice beaches, warm water, and the transplants from the northeast stay on the Atlantic side.
Houston tops the list. Texas girls.
April 20th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
I live in Cincinnati and go to Xavier. Cincinnati is a shit hole but not as bad as a lot of other cities. I was surprised you think Indianapolis sucks. A friend of mine lives up there and I’ve been there a bunch of times. The nightlife could be a little bit better but other than that Indianapolis is one of my favorite cities. Lots of stuff going on and cost of living isnt bad.
April 20th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
My family is from Cleveland and I live in Detroit. I am sick and tired of people shitting on the 2 cities I have any connection to…
Yeah we might have unemployment problems and crime and shitty weather but I would take a good old fashioned Midwestern city that is not full of complete douchefags like most other citites I am looking at you Philly, NYC, Boston, LA and the south. What makes a city livable are the people. I will take blue collar Midwestern sensibilities over the tools I have met in the “cool” cities throughout my travels in this country. So all you pompous twats can kiss my grits. I am a huge Browns fan but this is the one time when I can group Pitt and Cle (and Detroit) together and tell you all to go fuck yourselves.
April 20th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
I got to Buffalo, enjoyed Beef on Weck and wings at Duff’s on Saturday night. Good food.
April 20th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
Isn’t Jacksonville just a trailer park with a beach?
April 20th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
I love how Jaguar fans defend their city by saying they can’t sell out a game because “everyone is overseas fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan”. They don’t think for a second that Del Rio and the boys sucking major donkey dick has anything to do with it!
April 20th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
This is a funny video, but just in regars
I’ve seen all sorts of people dump on my hometown, and NEOhio in gneral, and it gets a little tiring.
Why are you so high and mighty? The people here are pretty friendly and down to earth. We’re diehard sports fans, and keep showing up no matter how much of a beating our egos have taken from the 6 year streak Pittsburgh.
http://www.theclevelandfan.com/article_detail.php?id=573
this is a good read on some of the C-town no one thinks about.
April 20th, 2009 at 11:10 pm
Fuck you all, I’m stuck in Hartford!!!
April 20th, 2009 at 11:54 pm
Glad to see Houston escaped most of the hate! Sure a shits better than Dallas.
@Reggie Bush’s Pimp – drive through the Fifth Ward at night and then tell me Houston’s boring.
April 21st, 2009 at 2:03 am
I’d sooner live 100 years in DFW than one week in greater Houston.