Martellus Bennett: Four-Eighths Black, Two-Thirds Cowboy, All Awesome
Lots of people complain that Twitter is a pointless waste of time. And while that criticism is valid if you follow people who do nothing but re-tweet, I struggle to find a better source of wonder and wisdom than Martellus Bennett’s Twitter feed. (To wit: “A man cannot send another man a smiley face n a txt message WTF” So true, Marty. So true.)
In case you don’t follow the flood of tweets from Marty B, yesterday he broke down his racial heritage. It’s math-tastic:
I’m 1/4 Indian (my pocohontas skin tone gives that away) Im 4/8 Negro the way i say four gives it away (fo)1/6 pappadeaux 2/3 cowboy 1/19
Animal (part liger) 2/20 transformer and 7/35 blue bonnett Texas babamy. Wat r u
Oh and I’m 3/47 alien ET my 1st cousin
Jus found out I’m 1/80 Aggie thanks E. King Gill LOL I think that’s his name. He’s the reason for the whole 12th man tradition.
Tags: captain caveman, Martellus Bennett, twitter-related comedy is your new religion
April 30th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
I just spread the love, man.
April 30th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
I’ll have what he’s having.
April 30th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
“Outgoing, Entertaining Dude Who Enjoys Having Fun And Meeting New People. “
April 30th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
The other guys on his bowling team were Thales, Socrates, and Aristotle. Then Heraclitus joined, and the whole damned thing disappeared.
/Funny in a pre-Socratic kind of way
April 30th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
…does he think Twitter is a dating site?
April 30th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
So if he gives 110% is he actually dogging it?
April 30th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
“That’s a no no. And if u have to say no homo u praly shouldn’t say it lmao”
Even as a Giants fan, I can’t help but have some love for Marty B…
/no homo
//wait, what?
April 30th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
‘Cap n crunch is delicious’
Boy ain’t lyin’
April 30th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
This cat is nuts and I’m digging it. I just hope with all his geneology floating around in his brain, he doesn’t forget how to catch well thrown passes from our superstar QB.
April 30th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
Gooch,
No, 110% of 1.86 is still 110%.
/math’d
April 30th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
The great thing about Marty B is that you guys don’t even have to do actual work to make fun of him. I think this guy is my new hero.
/no homo?
//i lika da scrip clubz
April 30th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Actually, in Texas, lots of the population is 1.86 people. Go to any mall, the state fair or a Cowboys game.
April 30th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
ADDENDUM: probably one of the better pie charts i’ve seen this century.
/mmm, piiiiiieeeee
April 30th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
I am not impressed. I’m half man/ half amazing
April 30th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
“bush made ur life hard not me”
So Marty B is also a fraction Otto Man?
April 30th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
And he was an Aggie? That explains a lot.
April 30th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
@Nestminder – Fair enough. I was thinking he was 186% man. Because that makes perfect sense.
April 30th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Martellus Bennett and Marshawn Lynch should do their own PTI-style show
April 30th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
what percentage is made up of fried chicken?
I’m only 3 % fried chicken, but at least 10% Italian cold cuts
April 30th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
i guess this disproves the rumor that steelers fans cant do math
April 30th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
fuck, im an idiot
April 30th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
more genius:
Watch out the beef flu is next. Lmao. I’m sick I think I got t bone steak flu and a hamburgerhelper cough.
April 30th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
If for nothing else, playing in the NFL would have been great because you could afford to smoke the same shit Marty B is smoking right now.
/puff, puff, pass, bitch!
April 30th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
I would pay handsomely to puff a blunt with Martellus and just get to listen to the inane babble flow like wine from his retarded mouf.
April 30th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Simply amazing. I think I’m going to spend the rest of my day trying to mash this into a one word phrase ala “meast.”
April 30th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
fuck i jsut dont get twitter. i dont even know how to read it.
April 30th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
black, but the kind of black where they’ve got freckles
That would be pretty kick ass if he were related to Malcolm X, Redd Foxx and Dennis Johnson.
May 1st, 2009 at 1:40 am
But apparently Marty isn’t awesome enough to reduce fractions.
May 1st, 2009 at 10:33 am
+1 CobraCommander for the Nas reference
May 4th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
That’s nothing….Travis Henry is 10.6 people (9 kids, himself and his probably python-like penis)