For this week’s draft we’re selecting historical events we would like to witness firsthand. This draft encompasses all the world’s history going back to the advent of the written word (roughly 8,000 years ago). The one important stipulation is that nothing you do can change the event or alter history in any way. This means no traveling back to the time and place of Hitler’s birth and stomping the life out of his tiny newborn body in front of his horrified parents.
Draft order is as follows…
1. Ape
2. Punter
3. Unsilent
4. Ufford
5. Flubby
6. Drew
Ape- Giotto drawing a perfect circle
Just so I could be around to mutter, “Psst, that joint ain’t perfect. WACK!”
Punter- My own birth
Because I’m the most important person I know.
Plus it’s disgusting!
Unsilent- The moon landing
No deal, McCutcheon, that moon money is mine!
/basing this on the assumption that the moon landing was real
Ufford- JFK’s assassination
He gets the nod over Lincoln because his head LITERALLY came apart in pieces. Although it would have been cool to see John Wilkes Booth jump off the balcony and break his leg, Lincoln didn’t even die right away because bullets sucked so hard back then.
After being asked whether he’d be in the car or in the book depository he responded, “I’ll take next to the shooter with a 10x spotting scope.”
Flubby- The Last Supper
I don’t buy into the whole divinity story, but I still think he would have been a cat worth meeting– or at least seeing up close.
Ufford: You could totally punch Judas in the balls. Wouldn’t change history, and you could say you punched Judas in the balls.
Drew- Christ’s Crucifixion
Just so I can tell Christians today, “You know, he died like a pig.”
Drew- Hitler’s suicide
Hugely satisfying.
Drew doesn’t really care who’s dying, he just wants to see some death.
Flubby- Game 5 of the 1908 World Series
/Cubs fan
Drew: You keep that part of your soul quite well hidden.
Ape: I don’t see how viewing a 101-year-old World Series victory makes you feel any better about rooting for the team.
Ufford: says the kid whose favorite team wins the Super Bowl every couple years.
Ape: I did have to wait through 22 years and a number of crushing defeats in big games for the first one.
Ufford- Execution of Anne Boleyn
Private 16th century beheading of the Queen that led to the Reformation? In the Tower of London? When it still had a moat? And her lips kept moving in prayer for 10-15 seconds when the executioner held her head aloft? FUCK AND YES.
Unsilent- Exodus
Just in case Moses really did part the Red Sea.
Punter- Signing of the Declaration of Independence.
Drew: I got a third round pick I’m itchin’ to take.
Can’t wait!
Ape- Lenny Bruce’s performance at the Jazz Workshop
My dad claims to have been at this show. Because he’s a liar.
No shit, that guy sold me a bag of baking soda!
Gotta be fun to watch bikers whale on some hippies.
Punter- Chicago at the end of 20th century prohibition.
Maj- Woodstock
But I’d want to be either on stage or backstage. Stay away from me you muddy hippies! I’d want to share some 21st century hydro with Hendrix.
Ufford- Tunguska Event
Ape: Hmm. I should have asked if you’d be affected if you saw something like that firsthand.
Ufford: Since someone got to go to the moon, I’m assuming I get a protective bubble… although a soundwave that knocked me off my feet would be pretty badass.
Unsilent: Agreed.
Drew: Very nice. Flub? DON’T BOGART MY PICK.
Ape: And the weekly “Drew thinks he has a good pick and taunts you into trying to guess it” routine presses on.
Drew: MY PICKS ARE-AH BETTAH THAN YOUR-AH PICKS
/unhappy with my first two picks
Unsilent: But you took two people dying. What could be more fun?!?!
Flubby- Roswell, New Mexico July 7, 1947
/wants to believe
Drew- Chicxclub Crater
I get to see a metor kill all the dinosaurs. Neat.
Oh, and my honorable mention is OJ killing Nicole Simpson and Ronald Brown. Really should have taken it in the first round.
Ape: “This draft encompasses all the world’s history going back to the advent of the written word (roughly 8,000 years ago).”
DREWFAIL
Drew: Oops. Gimme OJ then. Nothing but brain-scarring deaths for me!
Ufford: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Drew is the new Jack.
Ape: Carl Everett is fine with the dinosaur pick.
And that’s that. Now’s the time to add yours in the comment section, but do try to not fuck things up like that asshole Drew. God, he fucking sucks.
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Moscow Subway Blasts Kill at Least 41
That chick is just beauitful, I mean mostly all seems to think she is not to clever but that’s just an act, it does require some skills to become one of the most famous people in the world.
hey dipshvt Drew, nice comments on Christ. I am a pretty unphaseable Catholic, and can appreciate edgey comedy, but that was beyond the pale. Answer me this: what’s the difference between a jew and a frozen pizza?” frozen pizza doesnt knock on the window when you stick it in the oven. now go enjoy your meaningless existence as your faith does not include mention of a savior having unlocked the gates of Heaven for you, you fat fvck.
@EquiSpace: a fine pick – my dad was present for that and speaks of it with great reverence.
@That’samare: I’m pretty sure they would have been wearing armor (I think the whole naked-slathered-in-olive-oil only applied to wrestling and such) but in retrospect I admit it was a blown pick – doesn’t sound like it was all that much of a fight. The Musahi duel would have been much more exciting to watch.
@Roves Rongrastname: Steal of the draft. Agreed.
It is not fair, though, to judge Thurmond and other figures (like Lincoln) solely in light of contemporary morality, as you insist on doing.
ok. i agree with this statement.
the platitudes you’ve been spewing are logically infallible.
we can’t know his heart
we didn’t live in his times
however we can judge the man by the standards of his own contemporaries
and he was a vicious reactionary compared to them, as well
so what’s your purpose?
Hannibal getting psyched and leading the Carthaginians into the Roman empire during 2nd Punic War – bringing elephants into battle
and for the fuck of it, let’s just say this really happened, I’d like to be on the sidelines of each of these tasks:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heracles#The_Labours_of_Heracles
When David Copperfield first hypnotized Claudia Schiffer…
/thought he’d be the only one with a lame joke
Okay late to this but here’s my two cents:
@Shinons: great pick with the Berlin Olympics that would’ve been some funny shit!
Picks:
1. Crecy: The very first slaughter of the Frogs at the hands of the longbow, would like to be sitting with the Black Prince on the hard hit flank (right of the English I believe) and watch the rain of death begin all those arrows must have been awesome! (@jujrok kudos for the Agincourt I detected a slight anti English bent to the posts and its good to see one English victory represented)
2. Pink Floyd’s first concert at the Roundhouse, the start of the true rock show music sound effects light show, drugs in a plenty, Syd Barrett not yet completely fucking mental, what else do you want? cheap booze and a phycadelic (sp?) atmosphere yep got that as well….
@Gino Tourettsa The Pogues rule, probably my favourite band currently but have to take this!
3. England win the World Cup:
“They think its all over , oh it is now” What a party plus the way things are going potentially the only party of its kind we’d see for a while
4. The Great Beer Flood
Someone mentioned the Molasses Flood in Boston, well this would’ve been equally as cool, plus I wouldn’t have had to leave my city, just go back a couple hundred years
5. The writing of Ryme of the Ancient Mariner:
Great poem plus get to hang out with Coleridge doing copius amounts of Opium, would love that!
6. Tiger’s First Masters presentation:
Watch these old up tight whiteys have to hand a green jacket to a black man??? YES PLEASE!!!!! Another definate session of pointing and laughing…
7. Battle of Trafalgar:
Hang out with Nelson, watch the French get ass rammed and party like a drunken sailor, only reason its 7 is you’d have to stay out of kissing range what with the swings both ways admiral…
Honorable Mention:
Go back to The Battle of Neville’s Cross, tape the entire thing and add to the end of the final edit of Braveheart, so people know what happened a few years later to those cheeky Celts… No really I love the Scots but I do wish more people knew of Neville’s Cross by the by Edward the III was a bad-ass.
Sports: Secretariat’s 31 1/2 length win in the Belmont to win Triple Crown
Other: In Ted Kennedy’s car on July 18, 1969 – Chappaquiddick
i would tell myself to pull out so i didn’t have to get married
\breaks rules about changing history
\\doesn’t care
Just had to second Ape’s pick of the Colts getting the fuck out of Baltimore under the cover of darkness.
To think all those poor Bawlmer fools, not knowing that the Colts were about to be replaced by a crack epidemic and the most useless record in baseball.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R01KcErgQV0
I select the late great Earl Warren’s first strip show.
senator thurmond needed the shit kicked out of him. late supreme court justice william o. douglas was a member of the kkk in his youth; he figured it out and went on to become one of the better jurists ever to grace the bench. even that cumstain george wallace saw the error of his ways. not so strom. he was an unrepentant cocksucker to the day he died. love to know what galactic karma has in store for the asshole.
Stunned picks are still being made amidst the Strom Thurmond debate, but for a sense of the macabre…the trial of Charles Manson
RE: Strom Thurman, South vs. North, etc
The (black) commedian and political activist Dick Gregory once famously said of his career arc in America “In the south they tell me ‘You can get as close as you want, just don’t get too big’. In the north they tell me ‘You can get as big as you want, just don’t get too close.’”
So for my next pick, I’ll pick a showcase in a 1950s-’60s Mississippi juke joint on the Chittlin Circuit. Maybe catch a young Richard Pryor or Howlin’ Wolf or Professor Longhair or Screamin’ Jay Hawkins…
Sorry to break up the politics again, but I will slap myself on the wrist for not seeing Tyson-Douglas when it was first taken. FIX YO CTRL-F!
“I do not condone Strom’s political record, as my original statement about “racist crap” should have made clear.”
Of course you don’t condone his political record. You just think we should accept it as a product of his era, and not judge the poor misunderstood racist, and simply let bygones be bygones.
But “condone”? Golly, no.
Thurmond lived until 2003 — well into our times — and he never repented for the shit he pulled, and he never acknowledged the illegitimate black daughter he had. Don’t fucking tell me “his times” couldn’t let him do all that.
You clearly don’t know what life was like back in 2003, and how shameful it would have been to admit to fathering a mixed-race child at that point in American history.
Remember how the PGA shot and killed Tiger Woods’ father Earl for all his down and dirty misceginating. A saint like Strom Thurmond would have suffered the same fate.
“It is not fair, though, to judge Thurmond and other figures (like Lincoln) solely in light of contemporary morality,”
Totally right. Just like we shouldn’t judge those involved in the Holocaust. Lots of people were anti-semitic in the 1940′s, so who are we to judge the Nazis with “contemporary morality.” They were simply the products of their times.
For a second day of the draft value pick, I’ll jet off to Tokyo and watch Buster Douglas fight the match of his life (or just about anyone else’s) to beat Tyson in his prime.
So late, I read every entry, and I am very surprised that David & Goliath wasn’t taken.
First major upset ever recorded, I believe. Steal of the draft?
It is not fair, though, to judge Thurmond and other figures (like Lincoln) solely in light of contemporary morality, as you insist on doing.
No, it is fair. It’s not only fair, it’s necessary.
You act like everyone in 1948 was running around declaring that “white supremacy must be preserved” and “all the fixed bayonets of the federal government will not force southerners to accept Negroes in their homes, their schools and their churches.”
They weren’t. Plenty of white people — including Harry Truman in 1948, then the Supreme Court in 1954, even Richard Nixon in 1957 — had the nerve to stand up for civil rights back then. It wasn’t a case of “everybody did it.” Your stupidly waving your hand around to say, “hey, those were the times, who are we to judge?” is a flat fucking insult to the people who had the nerve to stand up to Jim Crow and the systems of segregation back then and say, sorry, this shit is flat out wrong.
And one more time since you seem too fucking stupid to understand it. Thurmond lived until 2003 — well into our times — and he never repented for the shit he pulled, and he never acknowledged the illegitimate black daughter he had. Don’t fucking tell me “his times” couldn’t let him do all that.
If you’re looking for the dick joke, you’re it.
Oh yeah, “I heard the motherfucker had, like, 30 goddamn dicks.”
He’d save children, but not the British children.
I’d like to go back and follow the Zodiac killer around. Just to see how he was able to do it so flawlessly, fuck with people, and NEVER GET CAUGHT.
Not to beat the dead Nazi horse anymore, but as long as it’s still out there I’ll take the Wannsee Conference too. Ach ja, can I bring Brüno with me?
January 10th, 1982.
Candlestick Park.
Fuck Dallas.
I’ve got a few more…
1. I want to have a front row seat to Hagler-Leonard, just so I can keep shouting to Hagler, “Get out of that southpaw stance, you asshole, you’re blowing the fucking fight according to the judges!!!”
2. Go back to see Samson from the Old Testament on the day his hair was finally grown all the way back and toppled that Phillistine temple. (I’ve got my protective bubble)
3. Witness to George Washington’s final speech as President. Remember: he’d been offered the chance to be king of the United States and the fucker turned it down cold, then went on to plead with the politicians NOT to go off and form political parties, saying it would set the country back. Oh yeah, “I heard the motherfucker had, like, 30 goddamn dicks.”
The Battle of Agincourt; witnessing Shakespeare (or whoever the fuck it was) write Hamlet; the 2000 Supreme Court conference debates in which the Justices discussed Bush v. Gore; witnessing Cicero argue anything; watching Napeoleon lay siege to anything; Lincoln’s second inaugural; seeing whoever it was Cromwell dispatched to the Houses of Parliament to nail to the door a sign that read “These Rooms to Let, Now Unfurnished”; Justice Jackson’s closing argument at Nuremberg; DaVinci figuring out Copernicus was wrong;
@Kid Moe: I greatly appreciate your frankness and honesty during this random and slightly disturbing ordeal. Although I will say that my Twisted Tea drinking contest proposition is strictly related to everyone’s favorite email (see two posts down).
Also, I think Kid Gruesome is a kickass name as well. Nonetheless, I would like to end my votes with being in the producer room as Conan O’Brien and the rest of the Simpsons writers hammered out what would be “Marge vs. The Monorail.”
“.Still looking for where I defended Strom’s voting record…
You never did. But you said we should look past all the public evil he did and try to find the good hiding inside.
Sorry, but fuck that nonsense.”
You are confused, Otto Man: I never said “look for the good inside”.
I was suggesting that setting up all issues as black and white (oops) with no nuance overlooks historical context: Honest Abe, the man whose Bible Barack Obama used to take his Oath of Office, favored re-settlement of the slaves freed by the Emancipation Proclamation. That is, Lincoln believed freed blacks, whom he believed could never live in peace with whites, should be deported to Africa or the Carribean Basin.
In today’s world. that stance would make Lincoln a racist, much like Strom’s actions would be inexcusable today. By the standards of his time, Lincoln was forward thinking on race, as many white people in the North saw black people as inferior, regardless of their stance on slavery. I do not condone Strom’s political record, as my original statement about “racist crap” should have made clear. It is not fair, though, to judge Thurmond and other figures (like Lincoln) solely in light of contemporary morality, as you insist on doing.
/dick joke
I’m really late to the party, so here’s a few . .
1) The first time Helen of Troy (therefore, she’s of legal age then) masturbated. . Being able to watch the most beautiful woman off all time playing with herself? Instant win! Whoever said they want to watch Hector and Achilles fight, just remember, they run around all of Troy three times, and they fight naked.
2) The reign of Vlad the impaler. How cool would it be to watch the real life Dracula do his thing? Fucking awesome!
3) Any time a triceratops fought a Tyrannosaurus Rex. How cool would it be to see one of the most famous dinosaur images live?
4) The Resurrection of Jesus Christ. Pretty apropos considering the weekend we’re in.
Non-sports: The Post’s news budget meeting when Bradlee green-lighted the first Watergate story.
Sports: Joe Willie’s “We’ll win. I guarantee it” pronouncement.
And since hell freezing over hasn’t happened yet: Syracuse’s 1985 upset of Nebraska.
I’ll take the Scopes Monkey Trial. Take that Zombie Jesus!
one of those 1966 doors shows
I can’t believe it hasn’t been taken after the miles of comments, but ok, Boston Tea Party it is.
The Immaculate Reception or, failing that, at least when the Mayflower trucks moved the Colts out of Baltimore in the middle of the night
I’ll take the Newport Folk Festival concert when Dylan went electric for the first time. Cry for me, hippies! Cry!
Along the same lines: Bob Dylan at Manchester’s Free Trade Hall, May 17, 1966. Sometimes wrongly called the “Royal Albert Hall” concert. This is the concert where Dylan played some folk (the crowd liked it) then he plugged in and started playing some of his electric songs, and the crowd got so mad that someone yelled “Judas!” His response was, “I don’t believe you! Play louder!” The crowd started clapping out of time to try and get Dylan’s rhythm off.
I’d love to see one of those concerts where a musician actively challenges his audience, instead of just giving them the songs the same way they were on the album.
Wednesday, November 24, 1971, Northwest Orient Flight 305 out of Portland International Airport (PDX) in Portland, Oregon to Seattle, Washington. And I want to be on it right up until DB exits the plane. Then, I want to follow him out of it. Can I float in my bubble or do I have to use a ‘chutte?
Stay Tuned: next up….more MYSTERIES SOLVED!
/changes the channel
I’ll go with the set of Twilight Zone: The Movie for the helicopter decapitations.
Also, the set of The Room during the sex scenes
Kid Moe and Kid Presentable obviously see the Simpsons influence here as well(my next choice would be the Pope of Chili Town) and since picks will thin out now am going ahead with my next one:
In honor of his retirement, would have liked to be in the hallway for this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXpcb5aTnPk
Big Ben’s first Choco Taco
First things first:
@shinos: alba’s shower likely involves a husband, a child, or both. Excellent choice.
@FranLero: and to ditto Ottoman – fucking brilliant.
The day Anne Frank ‘finished’ her diary. Just really want to know what happened…
@ the OG Kid Presentable
Looks like I’m late to the party with the apparently not obscure enough Simpsons reference. I’ll yield to your seniority, lest I get a pair of scissors jammed in my neck.
Anyway, Twisted Tea is for pussies. I only drink Joose.
I’d like to be there to smell Geraldo Rivera’s chagrin when he opened Al Capone’s vault.
Ooh, wait, forget that, I wanna be in the studio when a guy hits him in the face during that brawl involving neo Nazis.
1) June 28, 1880 – The Glenrowan shootout. How money would it be to see the police shit themselves when Ned Kelly and his gang emerge from the hotel in HOMEMADE BODY ARMOR. Hell, I would probably rock some thunder sticks for such a magical event.
2) Chernobyl – Wha’ Happened!
3) Peg Entiwistle’s plunge off the “H” of the Hollywood sign.
4) Ali/ Foreman’s Rumble in the Jungle.
Since Gettysburg was taken as well as Hiroshima, I’ll take the Battle of Midway. Can my protective bubble float on water?
January 14, 1973: Super Bowl VII. Dolphins complete the Perfect Season
/Just so I could know what it’s actually like to win a Super Bowl.
You guys come with me.
/asshat
I’ll take Paris, August 25, 1944. You guys cane with me – grateful (and smelly) French women for everybody!
I’d want to witness an early ’80s “Rum, Sodomy and the Lash”-era Pogues concert in the UK or Ireland. As long as Shane MacGowan is in good form, it would be one helluva show. Guid craic, yeah.
As long as we’re closing out the Nazis, I’ll take the Night of the Long Knives.
Nazi on Nazi violence. No matter who dies, I win!
Damn it. BOTH Defenestrations of Prague off the board?
All right then, give me May 27, 1942.
DOWN GOES HEYDRICH! DOWN GOES HEYDRICH!
Thanks, Mo Charlo, I’ll snap that one up on behalf of my girlfriend, who hates USC more than I hate Duke (i.e. more than Hitler hated Jews).
Happy Easter, everybody!
Building of the great pyramids. maybe I could see the aliens that helped design it
I was in the house for Vince Young beating USC. But if you weren’t there, it’s still on the board, and a good pick.
1297 AD: The Battle of Stirling Bridge in The First War of Scottish Independence
It was a great battle scene in “Braveheart”, but it didn’t have the bridge. William Wallace lead a rag-tag squad of about 2,500 Scottish misfits to fight England’s better-armed host of 12,000 at Stirling, Scotland. A single bridge over cold, deep, rapid water separated the two armies. The English began marching across the bridge, expecting to Scots to wait for them all to get to the other side before the battle was to start. Well, the Scots didn’t wait- they methodically slaughtered the Sassenach while they were helplessly bottle-necked on this one small bridge.
A cool, too-rare victory for the Scots over the English.
Lee surrendering to Grant at Appomattox
Did anyone take the Thrilla in Manila? If not, I will.
Alongside Genghis Khan as he spread the Mongol empire and impregnated every woman from the Caspian to the Sea of Japan.
I haven’t suggested any sporting events yet… here’s a couple that I could think of that we haven’t heard yet:
1) The Malice at the Palace – front row seats to see Jermaine O’Neal’s awesome sliding, kneeling, KTFO of that fat guy who thought it was a great idea to run onto the court? Fuck and yes. I bet it sounded great. Like throwing a package of salami against a brick wall.
2) Dale Earnhardt’s last race. It’s not that I love seeing death THAT much… but I’d really want to see the reaction in the crowd when their Mustache King met his maker.
3) I’d love to have been there to see “The Play”, either in the Cal student section or amid the Stanford band. The range of emotions were probably a wild ride.
When I was 10, my big brother and I saw our Minnesota Twins play the Cardinals in Game 7 of the 1987 World Series at the Metrodome. I waved a stupid Homer Hankie (still not as bad as the Terrible Towel) and watched my Twins win it all in an epic game. That was an amazing experience- especially for a kid.
I’m not selecting this event, however, because I’d see my 10 year-old self and think “Oh, God, kid. The next twenty years are going to be rough.”
Going back to Sports: Tyson-Douglas in Tokyo
Sorry, I know it hasn’t been 10 since my last pick, but it would be kind of cool to see the Joe Louis v. Max Schmeling fight (the second one that he won, not the first one, which he lost). Hopefully, Hitler had a lot of money riding on that second one.
Thanks KP. I am no longer Sage Rosencopter. He is dead to me!
bridges…ancient battles…
how about Xerxes’ boat bridge, that he used to get to Thermopylae?
a couple thousand years before the Army Corps of Engineers
sounds pretty cool I’d like to see that
RE Navin R. Johnson Says:
“@ Slash: no, I’m good with just about any Caribbean island beach front. Or island. Whichever.”
Cool. Duly noted. I think it was Hispaniola.
No one took Senator Byrd’s “Barbaric” THRILL-abuster?
I’m definitely late to this part. But I’m going to pick 2 quick things and bow out:
1. First Lesbian sex. (Cuz you know it wasn’t between adam and eve!)
2. Being at big daddy drew’s football party in 1999 when the ’98 Vikings went 15-1, and lost at in overtime to the Falcons, on a field goal, to become the first 15-1 team in history to miss the Super Bowl.
(if drew isn’t the viking fan on KSK staff, alter the location to whomever is)
@ Slash: no, I’m good with just about any Caribbean island beach front. Or island. Whichever.
Speaking of bridge collapses, I’ll take the Tacoma Narrow Bridge Collapse. Wicked.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mclp9QmCGs
@Sage – may be a wise move. “Stump The Schaub” is somehow also available.
While I’m at it, I’ll go with following Triumph/Robert Smigel at the Star Wars: Attack Of The Clones premiere. Easily one of the funniest segments in TV history.
And KP II – we can always settle this like men … one-on-one Twisted Tea drinking contest.
I’d go to Dublin in 1916 and check out the Easter Rising- when Irish rebels attacked the Brits in the name of a united Irish Republic. All the urban combat, political intrigue and whiskey-inspired nationalism would make for a more exciting Easter.
RE Navin R. Johnson Says:
“Onboard the Santa Maria on October 12, 1492, to pick up some sweet beach-front property.”
Does this assume that Columbus actually came to America? Because he didn’t, from what I understand. Not USA America.
Also, I wouldn’t mind being in the studio audience for Elvis’s 1968 comeback appearance, when he was still hot and wearing black leather. Damn.