KSK Mock Draft: Particular Fictional Character’s Super Power
This week’s draft is a twist on an old classic. You’re drafting a singular super power from a fictional character, though not their entire catalog of abilities. Also, you must take on their appearance. Again, we’re lazy slugabeds who only got through one round, leaving commenters more opportunity to ignore the rules make picks.
Ufford’s explanationAll right, you get to have one power from a fictional character from comics, literature, TV, or the movies. Once a character has been used, s/he is off the board. (For example, if you want Wolverine’s retractable claws, no one can claim his healing powers.) Once a specific power shared by many characters has been drafted (i.e. flight or super strength), it’s off the board. And if you draft a power that is connected to appearance, you also get that appearance as well (see: The Thing, Incredible Hulk).
Order:
1. Ape
2. Maj
3. flub
4. drew
5. Punter
6. Uff
1. Ape — Manipulation of Matter (Dr. Manhattan)
Control of the basic elements of the universe has a multitude of applications. I can wipe people out of existence with the point of a finger. Create objects out of the ether. Well, just about anything. Plus I get a giant blue penis.
2. Unsilent — Flight (Superman)
“Shove that up your ass airline industry! Plus, I’ll be able to dunk!”
UFFORD: “You dumbfuck! Hundreds of characters fly! You just pissed away X-ray vision and laser-eyes.”
APE: “Not to mention invulnerability.”
MAJ: “I’m not going to lie here, I don’t know very much about super heroes. Please try to hide your shock and dismay.”
DREW: “I’M TOO COOL FOR THEM!”
MAJ: “Don’t a bunch of guys have x-ray vision? And doesn’t the guy from xmen have laser eyes?”
APE: “Yeah, but Cyclops can’t control it on his own and has to wear a gay visor. Superman doesn’t.”
3. flubby — Green Lantern’s ring
“VALUE PICK!”
Until someone hits you with a school bus, because you have the retarded weakness that is yellow objects.
4. Drew — Power Cosmic (Galactus)
‘Galactus can employ the Power Cosmic to produce nearly any effect he desires, including the molecular restructuring and transmutation of matter, the teleportation of objects — even the Golden Galaxy — across space or time, size-alteration, the projection of energy with indeterminable destructive force, the erection of nearly impenetrable force fields, the creation of interdimensional and intra-dimensional portals, telepathy, telekinesis, and cosmic awareness on a universal scale. Galactus has even shown the abilities to create sentient life in the form of Tyrant, resurrect his herald Morg, manipulate mortal souls, manipulate memories and emotions, and restore dead planets along with their population in every detail.’
“Seems like that could be handy.”
UFFORD: “Any other questions you want to ask that I already answered in the first email, Drew?”
DREW: “Punter’s up”
PUNTER: “…seriously, what’s left that Drew’s trip to the superpower buffet didn’t clear out?”
DREW: /sends Punters through interdimensional portal
5. Punter — Thor’s hammer and helmet. Mostly the helmet.
6. Ufford — Prevarication, The Rumor (The Umbrella Academy).
“Anything she says becomes true. She’ll be all, “Be careful crossing street, I heard that bus has no brakes and the driver’s a drunk.” And then the bus hits them. Besides being a great parlor trick, I would make a fortune in sports betting.”
He’ll have to lie well to pull off the purple hair and tits.
April 3rd, 2009 at 10:58 am
Fuck you, Flubby, you shit-eating bastard! I was gonna take the Power Ring. I’ll take Magneto, mostly because I dig that crazy helmet with the blinders.
April 3rd, 2009 at 10:59 am
“Giant” blue penis? If we saw the same movie, you have some rather low expectations in that department.
April 3rd, 2009 at 10:59 am
Plastic Man’s extreme malleability. My wife would thank me.
April 3rd, 2009 at 10:59 am
So is there any superpower left? I guess I’d take Iron Man’s suit and its power source, if I can.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:00 am
Professor X’s telepathy. Plus, I wouldn’t have to walk anymore!
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:00 am
Well, I can always make it huge too.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:00 am
wow, way to phone in a mock draft.
what are we paying you assholes for anyway?
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:01 am
Sorry, I guess I should have said Magneto’s control of magnetism. I was a little miffed about the Power Ring.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:01 am
Longshot, Luck Manipulation. I’d rather be lucky than good any day.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:02 am
Super speed – The Flash
It would really cut down on my commute time.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:02 am
I’ll take the coon, and his razor sharp claws.
/every town needs a coon
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:05 am
Luke Cage’s unbreakable skin. And the afro. Sweet Christmas!
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:07 am
Psionic powers, which is possessed by many superheroes. i stumbled upon this site http://www.superherodb.com/powerinfo.php?key=Psionic.Powers
and will choose Emma Frost for the body and the power. I have never even heard of her, but yea, i’m taking her.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:07 am
The Vision’s density control.
I can phase through walls, or I can become fucking indestructible.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:07 am
Obi-wan Kenobi and the Jedi Mind track; I’d be banging every co-ed and stripper from here to Oxnard.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:09 am
Going for surgery, Lil Wayne or just the Buffalo Bill Tuck?
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:09 am
I’ll take spiderman’s web. Now THAT would be a great parlor trick.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:10 am
Time Travel? Yeah, okay. Time Travel.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:10 am
…like Hiro from Heroes?
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:12 am
Not sure if he counts as a super hero, but fuck it: The Word of God, Jesse Custer’s power in the Preacher comics. The ability to make anyone do whatever I tell them, with no limits? Sounds good to me.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:13 am
I’ll take Aqua Man’s ability to breathe underwater. That way I’ll be the subject of dousche bag’s jokes and I’ll know the dousche bags by their bad jokes.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:13 am
LeLouche’s geiss (pronounced gee-oss) the power to control anybody’s thoughts. Unfortunately it only works one time per person. So after I get the hot chick to bang me because she WANTS to bang me she gets to feel the shame later for dropping her standards. And I can get the pirates management to assemble a team that won’t lose to community colleges
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:14 am
Aqua Man. Being able to live under water and being able to all of sea’s critters do my bidding. Clean my bathroom, Nazi shark.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:15 am
Wolverine Claws/regeneration. end of story
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:16 am
I can’t believe two people picked that lame-ass Aquaman when Namor is still on the board.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:16 am
Rogue? Even though she’s a chick, I could absorb ANY of your super powers. That’s a catch all.
Plus, if Jim Lee was drawing me I’d have awesome tits.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:16 am
Fucking slow connection….sorry RM.
Space ghost. Have a really cool space ship, and a chimp to do my bidding. Clean my bathroom, you damn dirty chimp.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:16 am
Gambit’s card throwing abilities. I play poker, to the death. And appparently, now look cooler too.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:17 am
I would take that weird power that chick from Heroes that was in Varsity Blues (I dont want your life!!!) has. You know the one where her alter ego is evil but she is good, all Three Faces of Eve and shit. I think they call it dissociative identity disorder. Is that even a super power? Since it is classified in the DSM, can you say you have both a psychological disorder and a super power? That’s value right there.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:17 am
James Bond’s ability to bed any hottie he sees.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:17 am
I want teleportation.
I’d rather avoid the noise-and-stink approach of Nightcrawler, plus the blue fur and tail… I think there was a dude who just blinked away called the Vanisher?
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:18 am
batman’s badassness
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:20 am
@Aaron…unless you’re wearing one of those full body condoms from NAKED GUN you’d kill anyone you tried to bang in like five seconds. You sure you want to be Rogue?
My next pick: Matter-Eater Lad. Ability to eat anything and everything with no ill effects. More for the lack of weight gain, but I’d also be able to bite through titanium and blow away those little Japanese competitive eaters.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:22 am
The Silver Surfer’s Power Cosmic, which confers incredible strength, speed, durability and the ability to manipulate matter. I’m like Galactus without the giantism.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:23 am
Is Cutler’s sulkiness a super power?
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:24 am
Marmalard’s Laser Face
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:25 am
Power Cosmic, huh? And you say it only works on matter? Eh, I’ll give you $.65.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:25 am
@Tracer Bullet, agreed. Namor aka Sub-Mariner > Aqua-Man
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:26 am
Can we just take Favraro’s ability to work the land off the board? Before, you know, this contest becomes a mockery. A MOCKERY!
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:28 am
Invisibility. Hello girls locker room!
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:30 am
Since there isn’t much left, I guess I’m stuck with Meg Griffin’s super ability to grow fingernails.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:32 am
Silver Surfer’s surfing ability…BRAH!
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:35 am
I’ll take Peter King’s power to bend all corporate restaurants and hotels to his will, which includes the ability to make others produce coffee whenever I want it. Plus I get a cool skunk stripe in my hair.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:36 am
Since jedi mind control was taken, I’ll go with the Force.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:37 am
Colossus’ strength, metal skin, and bad Russian accent. Strong like bull.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:37 am
If I had x-ray vision, I think I would become a frotter. I wouldn’t be able to contain myself
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:39 am
Damnit Vanilla, invisibility was supposed to be mine. Bank robberies, dressing rooms, the possibilities are endless.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:40 am
Keeping with the Legion theme…
Karate Kid. Why? Two words…
Super. Karate.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:41 am
Off the subject here, but speaking of Peter King, I heard him yesterday on some radio show and he says “It isnt a lock that Cutler is going to be traded. I still see it only 70-30 or 80-20 that he will be gone. He could still be the Broncos starting QB to open the season.” He had to be saying this as the discussions with the bears were being finalized. How the hell does this guy keep his job? He is supposed to be in the know when it comes to NFL stuff. I am so glad he moved to Boston as it kept alive my theory that all things douchy are in some way related to MASSHoles.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:41 am
Storm’s ability to manipulate the weather. It looks like it’s gonna be 80 and sunny in Chicago all year long.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:42 am
I will go with Dr. Strange and his command of magic.
Still counts, right?
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:42 am
DORKS!!!!!
That said, I take Air Bud’s basketball playing abilities. That dog is a balla!
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:44 am
NeckBeard Power- Ability to make Jack Daniels disappear AND bag hotties way way over your Purdue Pigfarmer educated head.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:44 am
I already have a real super power, apparently: boobs. No, no pictures, sorry.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:44 am
Starfire from the Teen Titan’s power to harness the sun to fly and shoot laser/plasma/something really powerful out of her hands.
Also I’d have huge tits.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:44 am
The Beyond’s ability . . . to do whatever the fuck I want. I can manipulate space, time, matter and energy. I’ll make Dr. Manhattan my bitch and Gormorrah (The Most Dangerous Woman in the Universe) my lover. Bow down before your new god, bitches.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:46 am
Stone Cold Steve Austin’s super power to drink beer excessively, curse out and beat my boss’s ass, and drive a cool pick up truck that I can throw people into and watch them bounce off of it!!!!!
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:46 am
Onslaught’s Reality warping abilities. “I swear it was the best sex you ever had, really.”
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:47 am
Duffman’s ability to promote and be involved in drinking in all facets of day to day life
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:48 am
I’m not sure if this playing by the rules or not (and I apologize in advance) but how about a Super Villain ability?
In that case, I take Venom’s parasitic Black Suit. Not only do I get all of Spiderman’s powers, but also can wear any clothes that I want, without making any effort to put them on or off.
I can live with the alien being slowly turning me evil; I’m halfway there already.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:48 am
Shape shifting a la Mystique.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:49 am
Q’s powers. I.e., bend the universe to fit my moods and whims. giddyup.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:50 am
I pick Jesus.
You can’t kill him…he always resurrects.
He can transmute matter.
He can heal the sick and raise the dead.
He can kill vampires.
He is, technically, God.
He is the leader of the Super Best Friends and can command both Mohammed and Seaman.
Win.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:51 am
Screw flying. Teleportation.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:53 am
I just realized I broke the rules by picking Jesus and not the power, so I pick the power to be God.
/watches for lightning.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:54 am
I was mulling over taking the Beastmaster’s ability to manipulate animals, except I’d be stuck wearing a loincloth and toting 2 ferrets around…so that’s out. I’ll go with Spiderman – Spidey Sense.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:54 am
Screw flying. Teleportation.
You should have selected “F1″ as your power, because that one’s taken.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:55 am
I’ll take Ram Man’s concrete head. You make me angry? Smash!
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:56 am
I’m the Juggernaut BITCH!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSuvOVH0aSQ
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:58 am
Black Panther’s fighting skills. Power beams and telepathy are great and all, but sometimes you just need to kick a motherfucker’s ass. Plus, T’Challa is the pimpinest cat in the 616.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:59 am
Jesus and his water powers…walk on it, turn it into wine, etc.
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:00 pm
goku’s ball of energy
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:00 pm
@Porky … not my problem if any one dies when the pound town train crashes. Never have to worry about a condom or children (Looking at you, Travis Henry)!
Second Pick: Nightcrawler’s agility. I could make millions as a circus freak or an unstoppable, and charming, athlete!
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:00 pm
I take the genius ablility of Tony Stark. Being a genius allows me to create a badass suit and weapons. Since we are taking on the appearance of the person, I’ll be able to bang playboy models 2 at a time and be a filthy rich alcoholic.
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Daddamnit, porky took my idea
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Keanu Revve’s ability to somehow keep getting paid
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Reeve’s, not Revve’s. I didn’t request the power to type.
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:01 pm
I already have density control and teleportation, so the only thing I need is the Foreigner Belt from ATHF.
Do I need instructions? I think my avatar has the answer.
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Spawn and all of those lovely evil powers
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Human Torch’s fire ability. I’d be careful at first so as to not burn off all my clothes when using it…..ladies. And if anyone made fun of me for yelling “FLAME ON,” well I guess I’d have to BBQ that asshole.
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:09 pm
I’ll take BDD’s rendition of Jerry Jones’ interpersonal relationship skills.
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:09 pm
You would also be an enormous flamer, but to each their own.
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:11 pm
You guys are such dorks! This is so stupid!
/hits refresh to read more comments
//tries hard to think of greatest super power not already taken
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:13 pm
The power of Johnny Wadd’s cock.
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Since I’ve always dreamed of being a giant boombox with a Decepticon logo, I’ll take Soundwave. You won’t see him in no gay ass Michael Bay movie.
http://www.absoluteanime.com/admin/favtoy/favtoy-transformers-soundwave.jpg
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Captain James Tiberius Kirk’s ability to bag any broad in the universe. Plus…I get to…TALK…like…THIS.
MR. TAMBOURINE MAN!!!!!!!!
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Finally, I’ll take Tiger’s abilities to hit 2 iron stingers and Swedish nannies. He’s totally fictional right?
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Wonder Woman: so I could play with my tits all day.
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:21 pm
I’m guessing Deadspin has a copyright on the Gay as Easter tag.
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:21 pm
I’ll take Meatwad’s ability to morph into a hot dog, a meat bridge, an igloo, and Samurai Lincoln.
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Fire baby, fire, I’ll take the Human Torch and his ability to create and control fire.
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:23 pm
oops @JJ had Human Torch
OK, how about Hellboy, the arm and general badassery, oh yeah, and being an apocalytic demon
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:28 pm
I want Psylocke’s power to be a smoking hot Asian ninja with telepathy. Make Jean Grey (the X-man, not the cat) munch my box? Fuck and yes. Give to Emma Frost with a strap-on? Fuck and yes. Tribbing with Storm? FUCK AND YES.
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:29 pm
The Ambiguously Gay Duo’s power of keeping it… ambiguous?
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:37 pm
So by doing a google search, I found out that the guy from Greatest American Hero had precognition or the ability to see the future. Uh…yeah I’ll take that. I’ll also take his theme music and sweet blond white boy afro and Connie Selleca in her heyday.
http://www.tvcrazy.net/tvclassics/wallpaper/oldshows/greatest-american/greatest-american-hero.jpg
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:39 pm
I will claim the ability of Duplicate Boy (from the Legion of Super-Heroes comics), who can duplicate the abilities of any powered being. So I can do what all y’all can do, anytime I want.
(Technically, this isn’t breaking the rules about claiming someone else’s power, but if anyone really objects about it then I’ll take Animal Man’s ability to borrow the abilities of animals.)
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:47 pm
How come nobody told me Maj played “Stan” in that Eminem video?
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Until someone hits you with a school bus, because you have the retarded weakness that is yellow objects.
This isn’t true anymore. That was revealed to be a result of the Parallax Fear Anomaly and can be overcome by sufficient willpower.
Anyway, I pick Sebastian Shaw’s ability to absorb kinetic energy. The more you hit him, the stronger he gets. Awesome.
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Anyone want to partner up on the Wonder Twins?
Form of … Cutler’s tear bucket!
Shape of … A Laserface!
Gold.
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Resurrection Man’s power.
Every time he gets killed he is resurrected with a different super power. If I got really bored I’d spend the day jumping in front of buses.
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Ability to control the Dreaming world, Dream from Sandman.
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:52 pm
the power of causing general dissarray (sp?)
~GEN. DISARRAY
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Doppelganger – During the epic battle known as “The Infinity War”, a twisted and evil duplicate of most of Earth’s heroes were created. Spider-Man’s double is known as Doppelganger.
Really, I just like the name Doppelganger.
April 3rd, 2009 at 1:01 pm
I want Sylar’s ability to kill you and take your ability from you….Y’all some dead motherfuckers now…
April 3rd, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Jesus Christ fucking a football, what’s left? How about Daredevil’s blindness? I’ll take that.
April 3rd, 2009 at 1:02 pm
OK, so I have the force. For my second pick, I take Justin Timberlake’s charisma. No way he isn’t cooked up by some marketer somewhere, so I’m sure it fits the fictional requirement.
April 3rd, 2009 at 1:07 pm
I enjoy these picks, but too many of these reek of “I get three wishes? I wan’t jessica simpson as a love slave, 10 billion dollars, and 100 more wishes”. Flight was easily the best pick. Who doesn’t want to fly?
April 3rd, 2009 at 1:12 pm
I’ll take Tom Waits’ power of creating awesome non-lethal weapons.
April 3rd, 2009 at 1:24 pm
I’ll take Batgirl’s power to, I don’t know, throw that boomerang thing, whatever. Now I look like her, right? Get me the bat-mirror and some bat-shaving cream, stat.
April 3rd, 2009 at 1:27 pm
I’ll take Robin’s ability to slack off and get a free ride from Batman. Lives in a Mansion, does jack shit, money galore, gets Bruce Waynes leftovers. All the perks and none of the stress.
April 3rd, 2009 at 1:29 pm
I’ll take Iceman’s powers. Freeze your ass, transport myself on bridges made of ice, chill drinks in two seconds.
April 3rd, 2009 at 1:32 pm
If we can do super villains, who aren’t really “super”, I guess I’d take Lex Luthor’s combination of crazy intelligence and heartlessness. It could help me in so many facets of life.
/had written all about taking Magneto’s powers and then did “find in this page” and saw Tracer took Magneto
April 3rd, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Hey, I’m all for bad ass super heros and shit, but how the fuck does this qualify for Sexy Friday?
April 3rd, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Arthur Petrellis power in heroes AKA the ability to steal any powers you got and you don’t have any
April 3rd, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Fuck, I can’t believe someone took the speed force. Ah well, I’ll keep it in company and choose Yorick Brown’s ability to be the last man alive on a planet full of women.
April 3rd, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Dammit! How could I have missed the great Friday morning mock drafts?!
Can I have the Super Power of Two Penis?
April 3rd, 2009 at 1:42 pm
/Just kidding! Carry on. I’ll take, um, shit, I don’t know anything about this topic.
April 3rd, 2009 at 1:43 pm
I would take Dogwelder’s powers:
The original Dogwelder was created by Garth Ennis and John McCrea. They were trying to come up with the worst possible superhero. Dogwelder was the result. He fights crime by welding puppies to criminals’ faces.
You read that right. I would do THAT
April 3rd, 2009 at 2:00 pm
I’ll take Woody Allen’s powers of being able to get Scarlett Johansson to act in his movies in spite of the fact that he’s a creepy old Jew who bangs his step-daughter.
April 3rd, 2009 at 2:02 pm
I’m taking Ryu’s full complement of moves from Street Fighter.
HADOUKEN BITCHES!!
April 3rd, 2009 at 2:03 pm
I don’t even remember what Deadman’s super power was, I think he could occupy the bodies of the living a la Scott Bakula from Quantum Leap
but he did look like a total badass
April 3rd, 2009 at 2:05 pm
nope, nevermind. Deadman actually looks like a total homo.
I’ll take Politenessman’s steel hanky.
April 3rd, 2009 at 2:14 pm
With pick two, I’ll take the power of the Slayer…as in Buffy. As someone noted earlier, sometimes it’s just good to be able to kick a little ass. Vampire or otherwise.
April 3rd, 2009 at 2:22 pm
I’ll say what I say every time someone poses this question: I would want to have complete and total authority over the Force. Like Yoda. Only better.
April 3rd, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Uh…I’ll take…Ozymandias. I get to be the richest/smartest/handsome-est man in the world and clever enough to outfox even the most god-like of people (see: Dr. Manhattan). And being the top dog in the world means I can lay claim to all sorts of ass, especially since I’ll be the one developing technology to “protect humanity from alien devastation.”
/realized the book’s ending was better’d
April 3rd, 2009 at 2:25 pm
I’ll take Shaft’s cool, thank you very much.
April 3rd, 2009 at 2:32 pm
I’ll take Batman’s utility belt. Does that qualify? It’s got everything you need in there.
April 3rd, 2009 at 2:33 pm
@ Hakim
If you’re gonna take all the powers of Ozymandias (intelligence, money, handsomiddity) then you’ll probably have to take the gay, too.
April 3rd, 2009 at 2:38 pm
you’ll probably have to take the gay, too.
just make him wear the purple suit from the comic book (yes, it’s a fucking comic book)
looks like he stole that shit from Sally Jupiter’s closet
April 3rd, 2009 at 2:49 pm
I’ll take Jeanine Garofalo’s ability to hurl a bowling ball with a skull inside it at your asses as she did in that shitty movie with Ben Stiller and Pee Wee Herman.
April 3rd, 2009 at 2:50 pm
@ Reggie Bush’s Pimp:
I already have that covered.
April 3rd, 2009 at 3:00 pm
I would like to have Tim the Enchanter’s powers of Obfuscation
April 3rd, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Chlorophyll Kid: the power to grow plants super-quickly. Just imagine the weed crop. Though I guess I need a sidekick who can create huge amounts of snack foods.
April 3rd, 2009 at 3:07 pm
couldn’t you just make some peanut plants pop up real quick?
man, peanuts and shrimp are the best munchy food, imo
April 3rd, 2009 at 3:14 pm
The Tick’s nigh-invulnerability.
April 3rd, 2009 at 3:18 pm
@ CobraCommander
The Defenestrator was way more awesome, imo.
I’ll take Deadpool’s ability to break the fourth wall.
April 3rd, 2009 at 3:21 pm
the fuck?
nobody picked Orgazmo yet?
April 3rd, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Very tough draft. With the way the rules are set up, overlap is inevitable.
I’ll look to Irish mythology and take Cu Chulainn’s Battle Rage.
April 3rd, 2009 at 3:43 pm
I’ll take Multiple Man’s ability.
- He can split himself into potentially limitless duplicates, and reabsorb them to gain their knowledge and experience. I can send one to work, one to do my dry cleaning, one on vacation, one to play video games, one to get an MBA, and the rest to strip clubs.
- He can duplicate anything he touches.
Best part: the ability to bukkake without inviting a bunch of weird dudes over. Also, instant threesome.
April 3rd, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Gen Cartman E Lee’s ability to produce and influence others through the use of Smores Schnapps
April 3rd, 2009 at 5:12 pm
I’ll take whatever the hell NFL Super Pro’s super powers are.
http://marvel.wikia.com/wiki/Comics:NFL_Superpro_Vol_1
I’m a comic book guy of the Marvel Clan and actually own this, though it’s rotting in a box somewhere in my parents’ basement. If I sold it, I could buy a Big Mac.
April 3rd, 2009 at 6:49 pm
The Tick and his ability to not die no matter how much he fucks up.
April 3rd, 2009 at 7:09 pm
If its not already taken, Wolverines retractable claws. Yeah, I know it was an example, but still. FUCKIN SICK.
If it is taken, Wesley Gibson’s power to be a stealthy ass killer. I could kill anyone I wanted with ease. FYI, he’s the main character from Wanted.
April 3rd, 2009 at 7:10 pm
No one picked time control?!?!?! Like super-slo-mo? Best super power ever
YOU FOOLS!
April 3rd, 2009 at 10:14 pm
Way to late, but “Boobs” aren’t a superpower, they are more in the category of kryptonite, they cause debilitating weakness in those who are affected by them.
April 3rd, 2009 at 10:46 pm
Plus if you claim “boobs”, Power Girl will fuck your shit up. She’s been using hers to survive for over 30 years.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:38 pm
Alex Mack’s ability to turn into a puddle. Almost as good as invisibility.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:45 pm
I can’t believe the penitent stare of GHOST RIDER is left. The Spirtit of Vengence’s sweet ass flaming skull. LOOK INTO MY EYES!!. Plus I get a ride that literally burns up the road. Take that fanboys!
April 4th, 2009 at 1:31 am
Lt. Slothrop (Gravity’s Rainbow) – When I blow my load, a V2 rockets lands at that location a few days later. I could ball all the nastiest bitches (admit it guys, aint nothing like fat pussy) and they’d be dead shortly thereafter so no one would know. Also could get double-revenge by sneaking into an archenemy’s house, spunking on his pillow and then watch him be blown to bits a few days later.
The power doesn’t have a formal name but just to throw a few ideas out there: Erection Obliteration, Cock of Doom, Seeds of Combustion, Semen Burial
P.S. Always wondered if this was where poster Slothrop got his name…but he seems like a piddly-dinked ingrate who probably couldn’t understand a lick of Pynchon- at most, he got a bit of the bukakke part and liked that
April 4th, 2009 at 1:37 am
Hey, I’ve always likened Ozymandias to “Lyle: The Effeminate Heterosexual” from SNL.
April 4th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Two people
Layla Miller’s ability to see the threads of reality- or “just know stuff” (basically you see shit coming, think Nic Cage in that one movie only without being Nic Cage)
Multiple Man- Make Copies of myself and reabsorb them with their knowledge and experiences- I’m a NFL QB, a Senator, an FBI Agent, etc.
April 4th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
+Plus 10 Gino Tourettsa for Cu Chulainn. A nerd and a scholar. Rare.
I’ll take Paul Muad’dib’s killing words from Dune.
“Some thoughts have a certain sound, that being the equivalent to a form. Through sound and motion, you will be able to paralyze nerves, shatter bones, set fires, suffocate an enemy or burst his organs. We will kill until no Harkonnen breathes Arakeen air.”
He also had the power to transmute the water of life giving him what equates to “The Prize” from Highlander (which I’m shocked was completely ignored; if for no other reason than to have your life play out to a Queen soundtrack), total control over his biological systems, telepathy, and prescience (The ability to perceive and mentally record events in exact detail before they occur. Like Spidey-sense but on a much bigger scale).
By the way ladies, I’m single and I’ve been called “a powerful but careless lover.”
April 4th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
For my next pick, I’ll stay within Irish mythology:
The Warrior King Finn MacCool’s All The Knowledge In The World Trick.
All he had to do was to put his thumb in his mouth and his mind gained access to All The Knowledge In The World. People learned to stop giving Finn MacCool shit for sucking his thumb when they realized he knew every possible way to fuck you up.
April 4th, 2009 at 9:22 pm
Franklin Richards. Reality warping/manipulation of matter/telepathy/telekenisis/etc.
Kid can fuck up both the Beyonder and Galactus. Hell, he created a parallel universe on accident once.
…and he’s like 8 years old.
April 5th, 2009 at 2:20 am
I’ll take Homer Simpson’s ability to get wailed on with a surgical 2×4 without falling down.
April 6th, 2009 at 4:20 am
Cockknocker!! I always wanted a giant fist. Plus I get a light saber.
April 8th, 2009 at 1:42 am
Ah, hell. I suppose I have to go with my namesake. Foul-tempered and well-armed, and when I get pissed off enough I become bullet-proof. Won’t hold up against most of you “heroes,” but I’ll kick some ass in a bar fight.