Don’t you hate pants?!

For this week’s mock draft we’re selecting articles of clothing that when picked will disappear forever. To kick things off we’ve invited our dear friend George Will to throw out the ceremonial “first pitch” in this draft. George, the stage is yours.

I. George Will- Denim Jeans

Denim is the carefully calculated costume of people eager to communicate indifference to appearances. But the appearances that people choose to present in public are cues from which we make inferences about their maturity and respect for those to whom they are presenting themselves.

Wow. So what you’re saying is that you’re a dick?

Do not blame Levi Strauss for the misuse of Levis.

Blaming the Jew isn’t really my style.

When the Gold Rush began, Strauss moved to San Francisco planning to sell strong fabric for the 49ers’ tents and wagon covers. Eventually, however, he made tough pants, reinforced by copper rivets, for the tough men who knelt on the muddy, stony banks of Northern California creeks, panning for gold.

GRRRRR!

Today it is silly for Americans whose closest approximation of physical labor consists of loading their bags of clubs into golf carts to go around in public dressed for driving steers up the Chisholm Trail to the railhead in Abilene.

Hey, I may love jeans, but that doesn’t mean I wear them to play golf. That would be uncouth.

This is not complicated. For men, sartorial good taste can be reduced to one rule: If Fred Astaire would not have worn it, don’t wear it. For women, substitute Grace Kelly.

Thank God, because I look great in a top hat. It’s a timeless look, really.

A confession: The author owns one pair of jeans. Wore them once. Had to.

Didn’t want to. Felt I owed it to them.

Continue after the jump for the actual draft.

The draft order is as follows…

1. Maj
2. Ape
3. Punte
4. Uff
5. Drew
6. Flubby

1. Unsilent: Scarves

Seriously, it’s not that cold out, your neck will be ok. I don’t even know why I hate scarves, but I do.

Ufford: Fuck you, it’s DAMN cold out.

2. Ape: Golf Visor

Yet another reason why golf is gay. Just wear a hat, you fucking asshole.

3. Punte: Skorts

You’re wearing a skirt or you’re not, ladies. It’s time to commit.

4. Ufford: Gaucho pants.

Look at that. That chick has a phenomenally sexy lower half of a body, and she looks like an asshole. It’s like women woke up one day and said, “Wouldn’t it be great if my legs looked shorter and fatter?”

5. Drew: Teva Sandals

I don’t care if no one wears them anymore. I just want to hedge against a future Teva renaissance. I fucking hate Tevas.

6. Flubby: Adult Crocs

Ugly shoes designed to make your feet hotter than balls, great idea

Ufford: DAMMIT. I regretted not drafting Crocs with my first pick as soon as I made it.

Flubby: I almost didn’t pick Crocs since they seem to be pretty much out of the picture, but not many articles of clothing bug me that much. Also Drew, I will never quit wearing my mandals.

Drew: Fucking dirty hippie

7. Flubby: Replica Jerseys

Grow the fuck up, toolbag.

8. Drew: Ties

I hate wearing them. I hate tying them. I hate the fact that I can’t wear one without getting a goddamn cocktail sauce stain right in the center of it. And ties usually cause the person wearing them to become sanctimonious pricks, particularly bowties.

Ufford: Fuck that. I’m eight kinds of suave in a tie.

9. Ufford: Skinny jeans

I’ll take the loss of women wearing them for the endless joy of never seeing another hipster fag in them.

10. Punte: Vests

Spend the extra five bucks and get some sleeves, asshole.

11. Ape: Chain wallets

Not en vogue like in the mid-90s but they still crop up. I’d love to garrote you with that chain.

Drew: Can I change my pick to Red Sox hats?

12. Unsilent: Red Sox hats

Somebody had to take them, and the time felt right.

13. Unsilent: Jorts

Because George Will was half right.

14. Ape: Novelty belt buckles

Just to piss off Texans and urban cowboys.

15. Punte: Snuggies

They’re basically crocs for your body.

I guess the sleeves make it an article of clothing.

16. Ufford: Faux-vintage t-shirts.

Get your douchey ass out of Urban Outfitters and wear an actual OLD t-shirt.

That’s the pick of the draft so far. Urban Outfitters should be firebombed.

17. Drew: Muscle shirts

Nice pipes, shithead. “What time you due back at Boys Town?”

18. Flubby: Fruity pink polo shirts in all sizes except XXXL.

So as not to decimate Drew’s wardrobe.

Something tells me that those shirts are taking up more than 10% of Drew’s closet.

Drew: I STILL GOT MY SALMON SHIRTS, BABY

It should be noted that Drew is delusional.

That’s it for us, we’ll leave the rest to you. Play by the rules and wait ten picks before selecting again. Oh, and try to not draft the same thing fifty times, especially if it’s one of the things listed above.