KSK Mock Draft: Articles of Clothing We’d Remove From Existence
For this week’s mock draft we’re selecting articles of clothing that when picked will disappear forever. To kick things off we’ve invited our dear friend George Will to throw out the ceremonial “first pitch” in this draft. George, the stage is yours.
I. George Will- Denim Jeans
Denim is the carefully calculated costume of people eager to communicate indifference to appearances. But the appearances that people choose to present in public are cues from which we make inferences about their maturity and respect for those to whom they are presenting themselves.
Wow. So what you’re saying is that you’re a dick?
Do not blame Levi Strauss for the misuse of Levis.
Blaming the Jew isn’t really my style.
When the Gold Rush began, Strauss moved to San Francisco planning to sell strong fabric for the 49ers’ tents and wagon covers. Eventually, however, he made tough pants, reinforced by copper rivets, for the tough men who knelt on the muddy, stony banks of Northern California creeks, panning for gold.
GRRRRR!
Today it is silly for Americans whose closest approximation of physical labor consists of loading their bags of clubs into golf carts to go around in public dressed for driving steers up the Chisholm Trail to the railhead in Abilene.
Hey, I may love jeans, but that doesn’t mean I wear them to play golf. That would be uncouth.
This is not complicated. For men, sartorial good taste can be reduced to one rule: If Fred Astaire would not have worn it, don’t wear it. For women, substitute Grace Kelly.
Thank God, because I look great in a top hat. It’s a timeless look, really.
A confession: The author owns one pair of jeans. Wore them once. Had to.
Didn’t want to. Felt I owed it to them.
Continue after the jump for the actual draft.
The draft order is as follows…
1. Maj
2. Ape
3. Punte
4. Uff
5. Drew
6. Flubby
1. Unsilent: Scarves
Seriously, it’s not that cold out, your neck will be ok. I don’t even know why I hate scarves, but I do.
Ufford: Fuck you, it’s DAMN cold out.
2. Ape: Golf Visor
Yet another reason why golf is gay. Just wear a hat, you fucking asshole.
3. Punte: Skorts
You’re wearing a skirt or you’re not, ladies. It’s time to commit.
4. Ufford: Gaucho pants.
Look at that. That chick has a phenomenally sexy lower half of a body, and she looks like an asshole. It’s like women woke up one day and said, “Wouldn’t it be great if my legs looked shorter and fatter?”
5. Drew: Teva Sandals
I don’t care if no one wears them anymore. I just want to hedge against a future Teva renaissance. I fucking hate Tevas.
6. Flubby: Adult Crocs
Ugly shoes designed to make your feet hotter than balls, great idea
Ufford: DAMMIT. I regretted not drafting Crocs with my first pick as soon as I made it.
Flubby: I almost didn’t pick Crocs since they seem to be pretty much out of the picture, but not many articles of clothing bug me that much. Also Drew, I will never quit wearing my mandals.
Drew: Fucking dirty hippie
7. Flubby: Replica Jerseys
Grow the fuck up, toolbag.
8. Drew: Ties
I hate wearing them. I hate tying them. I hate the fact that I can’t wear one without getting a goddamn cocktail sauce stain right in the center of it. And ties usually cause the person wearing them to become sanctimonious pricks, particularly bowties.
Ufford: Fuck that. I’m eight kinds of suave in a tie.
9. Ufford: Skinny jeans
I’ll take the loss of women wearing them for the endless joy of never seeing another hipster fag in them.
10. Punte: Vests
Spend the extra five bucks and get some sleeves, asshole.
11. Ape: Chain wallets
Not en vogue like in the mid-90s but they still crop up. I’d love to garrote you with that chain.
Drew: Can I change my pick to Red Sox hats?
12. Unsilent: Red Sox hats
Somebody had to take them, and the time felt right.
13. Unsilent: Jorts
Because George Will was half right.
14. Ape: Novelty belt buckles
Just to piss off Texans and urban cowboys.
15. Punte: Snuggies
They’re basically crocs for your body.
I guess the sleeves make it an article of clothing.
16. Ufford: Faux-vintage t-shirts.
Get your douchey ass out of Urban Outfitters and wear an actual OLD t-shirt.
That’s the pick of the draft so far. Urban Outfitters should be firebombed.
17. Drew: Muscle shirts
Nice pipes, shithead. “What time you due back at Boys Town?”
18. Flubby: Fruity pink polo shirts in all sizes except XXXL.
So as not to decimate Drew’s wardrobe.
Something tells me that those shirts are taking up more than 10% of Drew’s closet.
Drew: I STILL GOT MY SALMON SHIRTS, BABY
It should be noted that Drew is delusional.
That’s it for us, we’ll leave the rest to you. Play by the rules and wait ten picks before selecting again. Oh, and try to not draft the same thing fifty times, especially if it’s one of the things listed above.
Tags: FJM style, Fun With Mock Drafts, surprised nobody took ascot, The first commenter to select the bra gets a cockpunch, Unsilent Majority
April 17th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Men’s Birkenstock Sandals. We get it, you own a Mac, drive a moped and have some fruity “artistic” occupation. Grow up and buy some shoes that cover your nasty toes, hippie.
April 17th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
hipster/retro sneakers
people that wear these have not one athletic bone in their body.
April 17th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Also, BDD I wouldn’t consider that a muscle shirt. More of a guinea tee only to be worn by old Italian guys or underneath a dress shirt.
April 17th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Cut-offs, especially of the Denim variety.
April 17th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
nun’s habits. god wants them to be nude.
April 17th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Shorts for guys that are not long enough to go to their knees. Not wigger length but above the knee by 2+ inches is a no-no. Preppy douchebag khakis apply.
April 17th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Bill Cosby sweaters. They still lurk in some corners of the world.
April 17th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
See, Drew, if you had muscles those shirts wouldn’t be nearly such a problem.
Men’s capri pants. Stop stealing your sister’s clothes.
April 17th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Zubaz.
Sorry, Ohio. Time to go shopping.
April 17th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
@CVE, wait 10 picks!
April 17th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Burkas. Idiotic Taliban, covering up some really hot women in the dumbest clothing item ever imagined.
What’s the point of being with a hot woman if other guys can’t hate you for it and other women can’t ask themselves if you’re hung or rich?
April 17th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
V-neck cardigan sweater. OK preppy assholes, time to get a new wardrobe.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
@UU
I couldn’t help it, I had to throw them out there, I wanted to put them together but got excited and let loose too fast. Much like I do in the bedroom.
/shame
April 17th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Giant oversized chick sunglasses. You do not look sexy, you look like a human fly or a fucking sleestak.
http://cache.boston.com/bonzai-fba/Original_Photo/2006/08/14/1155576050_0221.jpg
April 17th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
@SonOfSpam
Nice one, I was desperately trying to remember the name of those stupid things.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Those stupid fucking frilly blouses/dresses that make women look pregnant when they’re not. I don’t know what they’re called.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Those weird sun-dress sorta things that cinch up right below the breasts then flow out, making me confused as if you are hot or pregnant.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
No Ed Hardy or Affliction T-shirt selection?
April 17th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
I call Zubaz stupid pants
April 17th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Dammit Zach
April 17th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
No! My precious jorts! AND my novelty bottle opener belt! You guys are savages.
I pick those sunglasses with ridicuously sized lenses. Stunner shades in other words (yes, I’m white. Shut up). I don’t care if you think you’re hot, they look stupid on Lindsay Lohan and they look stupid on you bitch.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Condoms, completely worthless!
April 17th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
pre-ripped jeans
you paid $100 for jean with holes already in them and you look like a fucking hobo.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Toe socks.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Travis Henry for the win!
April 17th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
Uggs for the win. Hate those fucking ugly things.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
Anything bearing a New York sports team logo, specifically the Yankees. Yeah buddy, I’m sure you were a big fan of them in the late 80’s, early 90’s. Douche.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Big-ass panties. I don’t care how bad you think your ass looks. Covering it with a bedsheet does not help.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Second pick: Speedos. No one wants to see man junk at the beach. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
April 17th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Fucking Uggs. Bitches still wear them.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Kimono inspired clothing worn by anyone who is not japanese.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
@uu – they pay a lot more than that
April 17th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Fucking Hester.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
@dick_gozinya: I’ve discovered an important correlation: the size of the sunglasses is directly proportional to the hardness of the punch I’d like to deliver to the girl’s face.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
all brands and styles of sunglasses worn at night or in a dark room. they are only worn by the cream of the crop of d-bags…and anyone who claims their future is so bright that it necessitates the wearing of shades…fuck off.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
@mini dagger, just another fucked up example how fucked this country is.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Women’s “rag-week” underwear. I know you are not in you best of moods, but at least keep it somewhat sexy. Ugly-colored Hanes Her Way make me want to puke.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
2nd pick: Fake tattoo sleeves. Either shit or get of the pot, pussy. Actually, just get off the pot. Unless you’re an old veteran, you’re just showing how much daddy touched you as a child.
/shakes fist at cloud
April 17th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Loafers with tassels…guys who wear those should be shot and pissed on. Also, Oakley M-Frame Sunglasses…worn by guys who play beer league softball 4 nights a week and brutal nonetheless.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Pick no. 2: Cowboy Boots.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
any 70’s band t-shirt that was made in the last 5 years.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
bandanas aka head scarves. fuck you Brett Michaels. Only gypsies, cowboys, and pirates should be wearing them.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Tube socks. Particularly when worn with Crocs or sandals to complete the British tourist look.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Along with the replica sports jersey pick, how awful is it when people buy customized jerseys and put their last name with a real players’ number?
April 17th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
charity bracelets
April 17th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Zach took my first pick and UU took my second. I’m gonna go with any type of pink-infused sports apparel. Ladies, you’d be so much sexier if you just wore the real thing.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Blazer over graphic tee.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Douche hats. You know, this kind of shit:
http://suburbannightmare.com/larlar/cam.jpg
April 17th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Thank god Uggs got picked. I don’t know how that was missed by the Gay Mafia. Thumbs up on the skinny jeans too. Especially on girls. Horrible.
I’ll take those stupid slipper looking shoes girls wear. Whatever they’re called. God invented heels for a reason ladies. Flats are unacceptable. Unless they’re flip-flops.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Necklaces. I will deal with having women not wear them if it means all the douchebags have to get rid of their fake-platinum garbage.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Chastity belts.
I have no idea if they are still in use but fuck ‘em if they are.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Cowboy hats. Unless you’re an old cowhand from the Rio Grande (with or without bowed legs or tanned cheeks) cut that shit the fuck out.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
@Gordon Gekko: Thank you. Worst. Look. Ever. I believe that outfit is completed with $300 jeans and black shoes, no?
April 17th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Crew socks, tired as hell of those.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
@UU
I thought Bret Michaels was a gypsy? Whoops, the eyeliner makes him a pansy, not gypsy. My mistake.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
designer baby clothes
over paying for baby cloths that the kid is going to puke on, shit and piss all over, and outgrow in 3 months is just fucking stupid. Look at me my baby is dressed in all name brand logos, I’m the coolest parent ever.
I think a few parents here will agree with me.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Trucker hats
April 17th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Foreheadbands – you look like one of the Manson girls….idiot.
@ Zack – By your logic, Nicole Richie would get punched so hard that her head would cave in.
http://streettalkin.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/nicole_marykate_400×3003.jpg
April 17th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
@CVE, Brett Michaels might not be a gypsy but I think some of the girls on Rock of Love are.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Another annoying trend in lady’s footwear lately, those fucking bright colored galoshes or whatever the fuck they are. They come in a wide array of nauseating bright colors. Just stop please.
Also, thanks Maj for making scarves the #1 pick. I want to strangle anyone who wears one when it isn’t cold outside.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
@UU: Good call man.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
Linen pants. I love the feel, but it pisses me off when I sit down for two seconds and they look like crumpled newspaper.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
Definitely not thocks
April 17th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
Pick no. 3: Protective cups (bear with me here). Can you imagine how much more entertaining sporting events would be if they were filled with constant nutshots? (Hmm…Barney’s film had heart, but “Football in the Groin” had a football in the groin…)
@Hollywood: Good call. The only place tassels belong are on a woman’s breasts.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
@ UU. Fuck and yes. My kid wore Gap clothes only because my wife works there and we will damn sure abuse an employee discount. Otherwise, everything the little crumbsnatcher wore came from Target.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Stop Snitchin’ shirts. Seriously. They annoy the fuck out of me.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Drew may have just taken the steal of the draft. I fucking hat trucker hats. Ashton Kutcher is a douchebag.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Those hooded sweatshirts worn eight sizes too big with the wacky prints on them. Pharrell, I enjoy your music, but the Billionaire Boys Club hoodies with the cartoon diamonds and big-eyed manga girls have got to go.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Guys, I think I might know where we can find a snitch! @ Westbrook Is My Anti-Drug
April 17th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
BTW – I’m wearing a nice fleece vest today. And I love it.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Continuing my hat hate, my next pick is the driver’s cap. I hate those fucking things. I get the feeling they’re popular in Quinzee.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Along with the replica sports jersey pick, how awful is it when people buy customized jerseys and put their last name with a real players’ number?
…:quietly hides the several jerseys with his name on them:….
Next pick: leather pants. Unless you have legs like Karolina Kurkova or some other supermodel, don’t try them on. And they should be unallowed for men at all.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Fubu sweatsuits. You’d hate them too if your mom dated ghetto guys and wanted to get her Christmas shopping out of the way all at once.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
How about those “shorts” the gangstas wear that are almost pants, because they go down to their fucking ankles, but are juuuuust above the ankle so they are semi-pants. FIX YO’ CLOTHES FOOL!
April 17th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
@ Rick Muscles
What, did my little stoolie hat give it away?
April 17th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
@Shinons…
But you can go to Burlington Coat Factory with $100 and have an entire wardrobe!
April 17th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
@CVE
When I used to work at Strawbridge’s, I’d get people coming in all the time asking “Yo, where yo’ capris at, dawg.” I was tempted to tell them “in the juniors section” but I didnt’ want to get capped.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
any winter hat worn when the temp is over 40 degrees…especially on days when the low is like 70 degrees. AND huge platinum or gold chains with dangling crosses or imitation spiing rims attached to them…what a joke
April 17th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
@Zach: I wish a slap shot to the nuts upon no man…that’s just wrong brah.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Pajamas as clothing. I wore my Garfield slippers to class in college too, but I’m a fucking adult now and that shit is just repugnant. Would it kill you to have even an iota of self-respect?
April 17th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Jeans, jackets, or hats that have all 32 NBA (or all NFL, etc) teams on them.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
tie dye t-shirts
the 60’s are over, Jerry Garcia is dead and Phish sucks
@TB, nice call on pj’s as clothing.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
I think we just eliminated the whole wardrobe for guys seen on hotchickswithdouchebags.com
April 17th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
All the goddamn womens pants with writing on the ass. While I would be sad to see them go in certain cases, they are abused entirely too much by women who’s backsides look like a highway billboard up close.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
Whatever they call these shirts that non-pregnant women wear when they’re going out. HEY LADIES, YOU LOOK FAT IN THEM.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
…extension of Farthammers…
Replica jerseys with four different player name and numbers sets on them. I don’t care if they’re all in the Hall of Fame. Pick one and go with it, asshole.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
@porky – You got it. Burlington Coat Factory and Macy’s at this ghetto mall in Indy (Lafayette Square Mall) is where she does all her Christmas shopping. I hate Christmas.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Next pick is any apparel that has FDNY or NYPD on it that isn’t being worn by a New York firefighter or policeman. It got annoying a couple of months after 9/11 when the vapid Hollywood crowd started wearing it as a fashion statement. I still see some around. I want to shoot these people.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Crooked hats PERIOD. Way to make a statement, assholes. And that statement is “DUH?”.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
@WIMAD
Did you happen to work at a Strawbridges in here in Philly? If so, I have also heard that question being asked and I almost cracked my teeth clenching my jaw. Especially when it was a white dude. The temptation to grab them and shake the shit out of them is almost overwhelming. But again, I didn’t want a “cap busted in my azz yo”.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Pick #2: White belts on guys.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
everyone, except CC Sabathia, who wears their hat slightly off to the side…straighten that shit out. AND PEOPLE WHO LEAVE THE TAG AND STICKER ON NEW HATS WHILE INSISTING THAT THE BILL NEEDS TO STAY “CRISP”…that might be the most fucked up thing I see on a regular basis
April 17th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Oversized sunglasses that cover half your face. Ladies, not attractive in the slightest. You look like a giant bug.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Over-sized belts worn on the outside of their clothing.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
Cottman and the Boulevard. I also got such grammatically correct question as “Yo, where yo’ Dickies at?” and “Yo, where yo’ dresses be at?”
Next pick is Mom Jeans, as lampooned by that SNL commercial.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
RE “Those stupid fucking frilly blouses/dresses that make women look pregnant when they’re not. I don’t know what they’re called.”
and
“Those weird sun-dress sorta things that cinch up right below the breasts then flow out, making me confused as if you are hot or pregnant.”
They’re sometimes called a “trapeze dress” or “tent dress.” Yeah, they’re fugly. Apparently, women will wear anything if a “fashion” magazine tells them to and it’s a good excuse to buy more clothes.
Men may disagree with my pick, but I’d eliminate the tube top. If you have small tits, that fact is made really, really obvious, and if you have bigger boobs, it squishes them down and makes them look saggy (or saggier). It’s basically like putting an Ace bandage around your tits. And for extra delight, you get to pull it up every 5 minutes or so to keep it from sliding down below your boobs. Unflattering and uncomfortable.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Property Of _____ t-shirts. Did anyone realize people still like these things? My work made that their t-shirts for this event they’re having, and we all have to wear them to work today. I feel like a goddamn junior high cheerleader.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
@PunchRockgroin: Fuck you, man, sun dresses are a gift from God. Besides, when you see a girl in a sundress, you don’t look to see if they’re fat or not. They cinch up below the breasts for a reason.
As for hated clothing: Dude/Bra Shorts. You know, the swimsuit-looking plaid-patterned shorts worn primarily by douchebag frat guys. Often seen in conjunction with the Pink Polo or muscle shirt.
Also, let me just throw the entire concept of the popped collar out there, particularly if you are wearing more than one polo at a time. Get a life.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Bra’s. While I understand the consequences of this, there are lots of sweathogs out there, the fact that the hot women of the world would be milling about with their sweaterpuppies moving freely is too great to pass up.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
@ Walter Sobchak: Hear, hear.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Any article of goth clothing
Black and red are not the only colors clothing comes in. Turn off The Sisters of Mercy and buy some normal clothes.
Also, I think over sized sunglasses have been picked a few times.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
adults who wear those shoes with the roller ball on the bottom…cause i never seem to have a handful of gravel to throw in their path when i see those fags gliding across the sidewalk
April 17th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Whatever the fuck you call those long fucking shirt/blouse things women were wearing when I was in college (class of ‘06) that covered their asses. Fuck you, bitch, that’s the only part of your backside I wanna see.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Oakley Sunglasses. Chipper Jones was wearing them the other day and I’m convinced he still thinks Bill Clinton is President.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
RE “Those stupid fucking frilly blouses/dresses that make women look pregnant when they’re not. I don’t know what they’re called.”
and
“Those weird sun-dress sorta things that cinch up right below the breasts then flow out, making me confused as if you are hot or pregnant.”
Shit, I was beaten to that twice? Should’ve searched pregnant and not maternity. My bad.
Good to see other men hate those things as well. God knows why women wear them considering how obsessed they are with not looking fat.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Watches with a face the size of a dinner plate. I don’t give a shit how much you paid for your fucking watch, assclown.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
adults who wear those shoes with the roller ball on the bottom
Adults wear those? Hell, kids look stupid with those things on.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
No Stop Snitching t-shirts? That would wipe out Baltimore’s economy.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
I can’t believe no one has taken berets. That should’ve gone in the first round.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
I can’t believe I got turtle necks for men. Except Drew of course. He needs something to cover those pink polos.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
This Just In:
Walter Sobchak has been arrested after tossing gravel in front of MR adults wearing roller shoes.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
@LaFavre: That was my next pick.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
To Tracer Bullet: Absolutely correct on the watch thing. We are just a few trends away from going back to the Flava Flav watch around the neck shit
April 17th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Aqua socks.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
@Rick Muscles: Do I have to stop wearing the Oakley Minute sunglasses I’ve had since ‘96? Shit. Suggestions?
April 17th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Do I have to stop wearing the Oakley Minute sunglasses I’ve had since ‘96? Shit. Suggestions?
Get a modern life?
April 17th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Pick no. 4: Spanx body-shaping undergarments. STOP TRICKING ME!!!
@Rocco: you’re wearing a vest AND you can’t laugh at something like this? I can’t help you.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Lots of great picks so far (crocs, “pregnant shirts,” pink sporting apparel, etc)
I’ll pick bling worn by white guys.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Affliction T-Shirts – fuck you if you wear those. They are like the 2008 version of Chip & Pepper.
Also, no joke, I saw some assbag wearing one of those “8 Ball” Leather Jackets the other day…hey fag, 1996 called and wants its jacket back.
Nobody has selected the man purse yet?
April 17th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Spike collars. Seriously, it just weirds me out.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
@Rick Muscles – were they the M-Frame or the Blades?
April 17th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Under Armour for kids
Do kids playing Pop Warner football and Little League baseball really need under Armour? They just look like little douchebags, once again i blame the parents.
Great value pick SSB with berets.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
How about tweed jackets that hip-prepsters and cappucino drinkers wear.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
cell phone holsters attached to any belt. because this isn’t the wild west and you could reach into your pocket when your phone rings so you won’t have to look like a fucking retard.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Not many chicks on here, obviously — lo-rise jeans. Now I have to worry about my ass-crack, too?
April 17th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
How about those guys who still wear their button-down shirts open with a T-shirt underneath? I gave that up when I graduated from college.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
@CVE, especially if they have those queer patches on the elbows.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Do kids playing Pop Warner football and Little League baseball really need under Armour? They just look like little douchebags, once again i blame the parents.
Not to mention the disturbing muscular development of that kid on the bus from one of the Under Armour commercials.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
@UU
Great pick. GREAT pick. I wanted to punch my TV the first time I saw those little bastards in that Under Armour commercial. It was an army of 10 year olds saying click-clack. I am cringing as I type..
April 17th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
@ UU. Good call. I feel the same way when I see 8-year-olds in UA, gloves and wristbands. You have to earn the right to wear that stuff, you little bastards.
@ Todd Haley Thinks You’re An Effing Moron: Gonna have to disagree with you. If it’s a problem, I’ll be more than happy to worry about your ass crack.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
any item of clothing that is camoflagued…unless you are currently in the military or a veteran. camo is used to help conceal people…guess what guy wearing camo colored clothes…i see you and you look like a fuck.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
@StuScott
I’m glad someone else notcied that as well. That commercial made me kick my kids cat.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
Whomever invented pantyhose hates sex. BANISH THEM.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
When chicks wear straw cowboy hats.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
@Todd Haley
Foul. If you’re a hot woman, lo-rise jeans should be a requirement. Bottom line.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
CVE: I second that…motion carried.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
@The White Boom Boom: +1 million. -1 million to me for not thinking of that.
Who the hell invented that shit and why is it still around.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
butttonfly anything. seriously folks, have we not made significant progress with the zipper.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Clip-on ties. That these even exist says something terrible about humanity.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
Girdles. Because that counts as false advertising ladies.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
guys who wear biker shorts…and nothing over them.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Mesh shirts. I see them on guys at the bars I go to all the time. Also, don’t girls go to bars any more???
April 17th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
SonofSpam
Are you the whackoff webcam guy? What the hell kind of bar are you frequenting for christ’s sake?!?
April 17th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
To SoS: Are you in a straight bar? No offense, but it sounds like you might have accidentally wandered into a homosexual establishment.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CooWivqYEeQ
April 17th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
people who were moccasins with jeans…and they aren’t native americans
April 17th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
hard hats with your favorite team’s logo on them
I’ve worked jobs where I’ve had to wear a hard hat all day, not fun.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Guys who think they’re hip wearing new caps with straight bills and the fucking labels still on them. I don’t know how this trend started, but it’s fucking idiotic.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Clip-on ties. That these even exist says something terrible about humanity.
People over the age of 4 wear these?
April 17th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
I say Ufford’s guys’ skinny jeans is the pick of the draft. Eat something, asshole. You can still ride your bike in big boy jeans.
And since the Affliction/Ed Hardy t-shirts are gone ($90 fucking dollars? You fucking asshole), I’m picking the oversized white tees. They look ridiculous on everyone, but if you’re a white guy wearing one, I want to shove the red/green/purple flat brimmed Yankees hat you’re most certainly wearing straight down your throat.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Cowboy boots on men who are otherwise not stepping in cowshit regularly.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
@UU
I was guilty of that once. I have nothing to say in my defense.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
fake but stylish eyeglasses. i’ve been wearing glasses since i was 8, it hasn’t been all that fun. fuck you and your 20/20 vision, assholes.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
the water/gel filled push-up bra…cause it is no different than stuffing with kleenex, ladies.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
@ Zach: It’s 43 here today, the fleece vest comes in handy for days like this. Nut shots are funny, but taking a slap shot with no cup would just be devastating. I wish that on no man. Is a protective cup even technically an article of clothing?
April 17th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
so true uaf, when I see a kid with an Iron maiden t-shirt I’m thinking they can’t name one Maiden song and just bought the shirt because they think Eddie looks bad ass.
btw, Eddie is bad ass.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
@ 85 and everyone else
Anything worn by these idiots.
http://www.lolwigger.com/
April 17th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Blazer with khakis and penny loafers. Either your David Spade or an extra in The Scent of a Woman.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
the down jacket that is 18 times too big…cause it looks stupid as fuck
April 17th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Those women’s shoes that have the big heels that are attached to the rest of the shoe (dammit I can’t explain shoes) and they have like Greek sandal ribbons up the leg…
[update: local office whore says they are called "espadrilles"]. They make women look as though they have GIANT feet.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
All right, time to sum ‘em up:
1. Tent/Trapeze Dress
2. Cowboy Boots
3. Protective Cups
4. Spanx
All done for today. Thanks to Slash for helping me identify the name of my first pick.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
@FredSmoot
Those heels with the ribbons up the leg are nice on the appropriate female.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Please disregard the “The” in that movie title. I’m an asshole.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Sadly, yes, Stu.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
What about the wool winter hats that also have a bill. Gangstas are frequently spotted in them as well. Wear a beanie or a hat but make a choice for fuck’s sake.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
2nd pick: White belts. It’s ok if you are a Euro, but not Americans. Zack Johnson, I’m looking at you!
/punches self for bringin golf up on this blog
April 17th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Also, change your to you’re. I will now take my mesh shirt, gaucho pants wearing ass and leave.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
@ Walter SobchackTo SoS: Are you in a straight bar? No offense, but it sounds like you might have accidentally wandered into a homosexual establishment.
- I like going to the gay bar because I like to dance but I don’t like rap music.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
soccer jerseys, of any team, in any color…because the are un-american
April 17th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Chaps. because no one ever fucking needs chaps.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Fred Smoot, I know the shoes you speak of and they are hideous
April 17th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Trenchcoats.
Unless you’re an old-time military officer or in a Western. Otherwise it’s fucking weird.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Ass-less chaps. Needs no explanation.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
@Rocco: I’m sympathetic to your point, but I stand by my pick, because in magical fantasy hypothetical draft world nobody would actually get damaged. They’d just take a shot to the nuts and writhe around in pain for a while. Oh yeah, and in magical fantasy hypothetical draft world the “BOINK” sound effect is automatically added by the universe whenever an appropriate nutshot occurs.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Anything that says Juicy Couture on it. The 80s want their flashy gold embossed clothing back you soulless morons.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
@PunchRG, Zack, StuScott, Slash:
I’ve always known them as “tit curtains.”
Agreed. They’re terrible, neck and neck w/ uggs and oversized bug-glasses for the worst articles of women’s clothing in the last decade.
There has been a disturbing trend in tightjeans in my part of the world that inspires knee-jerk homicidal instincts in me: the saggy-assed tightjean look, where the crotch is halfway down the leg. Death to you.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Big leather jackets with intricately-stitched Scarface pictures, scenes, or tributes.
IT’S JUST A FUCKING MOVIE.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
I don’t get the Replica jersey one. Are you saying no jerseys at all or that you have to buy an authentic? Paying 200 dollars for an authentic is down right retarded. Clinton Portis dancing with special Olympians retarded.
http://blog.redskins.com/2009/04/17/friday-april-17-clinton-portis-dances-with-special-olympians/
April 17th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Chicks who wear those really, really tight strech pants. Wait, no, I like those. Fat chicks who wear really, really tight strech pants. Yeah, that’s what I was thinking.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
@Zach: When we were kids and playing street hockey the ball caught my buddy’s nuts like a speed bag. True story.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Codpieces.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
That and I’m sick of walking by that gaudy store on 52nd and 6th every day with all the bug-eyed sunglasses wearing Iowa tourist bitches window shopping.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
@Zack:
Is “magical fantasy hypothetical draft world” also known as Idiocracy?
EMBED-ow my balls – Watch more free videos
April 17th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
@Walter Sobchak, re: camouflage stuff
Enjoy the dub tee: http://tackyweddings.com/2009/01/19/camouflage-weddings/
April 17th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Last pick: Wearing golf shoes as a spectator to a PGA tournament. We get it douchebag! You play golf too. You want to have your glove hanging out of your back pocket too? And quit making practice swings with your umbrella, fuck face.
2 golf references in 1 day. Am I banned?
April 17th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Letter Jackets for teams that you didn’t play for.
/college roommate had a Celtics letter jacket with a patch commemorating every Celtics championship
//He was from Atlanta
///at least this was before they bought ‘08
April 17th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Merkin.
Also, Eagles acquire Peters for #28, a fourth-rounder and a second-day pick in 2010. CVE, Westbrook. You’re thoughts.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Can I combine the dress over jeans look? Make up your mind ladies.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
@CVE: I’m laughing way too hard at that link. Thanks for wasting the rest of my day.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Recap
1. retro/hipster sneakers
2. pre-ripped jeans
3. bandanas aka head scarves
4. designer baby clothes
5. tie dye t-shirts
6. Any article of goth clothing
7. Under Armour for kids
8. hard hats with your favorite team’s logo on them
good draft, lofty draft
April 17th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
@Westbrook
Ah yes, I was there as well. Cottman and Rt 1 is a gathering for many of those wannabe’s.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Chuck Taylor Converse in anything other than these plain colors: black, navy, white, brown (pink okay for chicks.) No faggy patterns please, unless you drew them on yourself with a Sharpie.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
clare: it was like a bad car wreck, i couldn’t turn away. i’d just keep scrolling down. my mind has been successfully blown.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
@85
Check it out.
@Tracer
I am liking the trade. I still wanted Boldin or Edwards though. Looks like that’s not happening now.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
dudes who make shorts from cutting old jeans …and then leave all the fray so it gets all bushy looking after being washed once. cause you can’t even TRY to look straight once that has happened.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Ballcaps, period. At least take them off when you’re indoors, you asshat. P.S. I know you’re bald.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
How about “Future Hall of Fame Class of 20??” Jackets? Yeah, not with season’s like this past one doucheFuckShit Goll! Also,
“Fuck you, you Fucking Fuck” t-shirts. I get it ok, really. You’re all tough and shit cuz you play by nobody’s rules and have 2 foot mohawk. Good luck finding a real job asshole.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Since I can’t leave here without throwing in a Simpsons reference, I’ll take puffy director’s pants with pick no. 5.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
CVE- lolwiggers is genius.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
@mamacita
Yes, yes it is.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Sorry black folks, but I’m banning all airbrushed t-shirts regardless of the subject; family reunions, r.i.p. [insert name here], barack obama’s election, Tupac and Biggie or a heart with your boyfriend/girlfriend’s name in it. Fail.
http://www.bigtimebiz.biz/firstdibbsfolder/customairbrushteeshirtsfolder/basketballkingjames23airbrush1.jpg
http://www.freewebs.com/propheticairbrush/shirt%20designs%201.jpg
http://www.airbrushexpert.com/images/Obama_2.jpg
April 17th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Pitted-out undershirts worn as a regular shirt. If it looks like you pissed under your arms, buy a new goddamned pack of three for $5.
April 17th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
T-shirts with Che Guevara’s image on them. If you wear one, you’re a spoiled, clueless dip shit. Christ, what an asshole. If you knew Che Guevara’s history, you wouldn’t wear one of those stupid shirts- whether you love or hate him.
April 17th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
@ Tracer Bullet
I like it. That means we don’t have to reach for a tackle @ 21 and, y’know, draft a running back there. While I would rather have had Boldin, well… I’m not gonna complain about getting a proven LT.
April 17th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
wearing any article of clothing that promotes the WWE should be cause for IMMEDIATE revocation of your man card
April 17th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
nice call Gino.
April 17th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
@Westbrook
There is still hope for Boldin since they kept the 21st pick. I am not giving up the dream yet…
April 17th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
@ dick_gozinia: does airbrused shirts include wolf t-shirts? If so, you deserve a firm kick to the crotch.
April 17th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Can I just say that that chick in the jorts pic is fucking HOT?
After 200 picks, I’m sure there is little left to wear except edible panties for the girls, and condoms for the guys. Let’s get this party started.
(Seriously people, 200 picks? It’s 2 o clock! Don’t you people WORK? Oh wait… Forget I said anything. Where’s Sexy Friday?)
April 17th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
condoms were already listed as a NO Go…so it looks like on edible panties remain
April 17th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Bras… this rule only applies to hot females… how great of a world would it be?
April 17th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Oh. I see condoms have already been picked. Guess the guys are going bareback today, ladies!
April 17th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
The bandeau top bikini
April 17th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
@The Choosen One
I picked bras earlier. Sorry, I win.
April 17th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Maj — I think you’re overlooking the erotic possibilities of an ascot.
April 17th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
The Packers’ Cheesehead hat.
Just thinking of morbidly obese, Old Milwaukee-swilling, arterially-clogged flabalanches in Favre jerseys wearing a Cheesehead hat makes me want to puke, then get drunk enough to knock that image out of my head.
April 17th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
@ CVE
I’d rather take Pettigrew or a RB at 21. But God help that tubby shithead if he takes a DT or a CB there.
April 17th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
@Westbrook
Please don’t say that. They don’t need another DL or DB. I love the Sean Jones signing. If they don’t get Boldin, I’m praying they do, they have to take Moreno is he’s there. They’ll get a RB, but probably not until the 3rd round.
Also to Maj, because I admit that I picked bra’s, it does not merit a cockpunch. Eliminating bra’s benefits mankind.
April 17th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
No guy should EVER be allowed to wear pleated khakis. Yes, they do make you look fat
April 17th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
@Charlie V
You’ve made excellent picks today, but the bra isn’t one of them. Bras are necessary to keep las tetas from sagging like baseballs in tube socks. Ever see pictures in National Geographic of tribeswomen who’ve never worn a bra? Besides, taking a bra off a girl is awesome- it’s like opening a present.
April 17th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
I’m on board with Maj. Bras have to stay. Cochpunch meritted.
April 17th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
tighty whiteys.
sweaters for dogs.
any thing that has removable sleeves or pant legs. They are clothes, not transformers.
April 17th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
*Cockpunch.
April 17th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
This isn’t an article of clothing per se, but we need to do away with girls with pancake asses wearing shorts or sweats with words on the butt.
April 17th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
@Slothrop: You mean sweaters for dogs like this? My poor puppy.
April 17th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
When will they stop making jock straps? I don’t know anyone under 35 who wears one. Get some damn compression shorts and stop flossing your ass crack.
April 17th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
RE Gino Tourettsa: what he said. I don’t understand the dude hate for bras. They’re kinda vital if you want to keep the bewbs from swinging around your waist by the time you’re 30 (or even sooner, if you have really big ones).
Here’s something I’m sure most men don’t give a shit about and it may not technically be clothing, but it’s not like there’s a lot left to pick from: those headbands that women put on their female infants’ heads so that we all know that it’s a girl baby. Put her in a dress, dipshit, and we’ll get the point, or better yet, lighten up. Is it really super important that people be able to identify your infant as a female from 200 feet?
April 17th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Please erase women’s overalls from the human register. I don’t see them much any more but there is absolutely NOTHING attractive about these. They have straps over your naughty bits and balloon out at your waist in a shape only slightly more flattering than a Chuck E Cheese costume.
April 17th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
argyle sweaters.
no man that respects himself wears an argyle sweater.
April 17th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
Dudes that hate bras are gay. End of story.
What is fucking hotter than taking off a hot chick’s bra? Or even better, watching as she takes it off for you? Dayum.
April 17th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
I read through over 200 picks hoping nobody would mention pet clothing. And you bastards called dog sweaters at the end. I’m going to cry now.
April 17th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
@NMC
How about taking her panties off? I’d rank that higher than a bra. Thanks for playing.
April 17th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Damnit, don’t take my state seal of Texas belt buckle away from me! It’s actually functional, and not the size of a dinner plate like some of the ones you see down here.
April 17th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Late, I pick whatever Geroge Will’s mom picks out for him to wear tomorrow.
/wore jeans, cowboy hat and boots, wallet on chain, rode horse, stepped in cowshit, all week.
April 17th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
i know they’re long gone but I say corsets
they make for false advertising
and it’s way too much god-damned work to get them off
I love the modern brasseire. I can hold a beer in my right hand and free the twins with my left.
P.S. yesterday I wore a full leather motorcycle suit that matches the paintjob on my bike. in case anybody was running out of ideas. yes, I looked like a douche but it beats dying.
April 17th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
George Will can wear my Roman Helmet, btw
April 17th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
Since I’m behind, I’m going to have to go with 2 picks.
1. Sarongs. Fuck em.
2. Paint-on swimsuits. Look, Sports Illustrated, why not just charge an extra $9 for the magazine and show them nude like we all want?
April 17th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
Article of Clothing I Would NEVER Eliminate:
The kilt. I’ve worn them to weddings a few times and damn, they’re comfortable, especially when you wear them as you should- “wi’ nae trews” (with no drawers). Your Boys get to hang with fresh air while still being covered up. If you wear one, try standing over an AC vent while drinking a Scotch and hitting on a girl who will inevitably ask what you’re wearing under your kilt. It’s awesome.
April 17th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
Wearing a kilt if you’re not Scottish is crap.
April 17th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
ribbed t-shirts.
April 17th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
@ AKAggie
ever worn a jockstrap? yeah, they don’t touch your crack….unless you’re wearing it backwards, i guess.
April 17th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
Granny panties. If you’re ashamed for me to see you wearing it and for it to eventually end up on my floor, you can’t wear it.
April 17th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
Spiky belts. Look, you hipster moron, I’m old enough to remember when they were in fashion the first time. They sucked then, and they suck ten times as hard now.
Fucking hipsters. How the hell did we develop a generation with no fashion sense at all?
/My lawn. Get off of it.
April 17th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
people who wear bicycling gear(compression shorts and tight top) while not on said bicycle and take the fingerless gloves with you
April 17th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
What are those snow hats that look like they are from Dr. Seuss, with stuff down both sides? Anyone older than twelve looks dumb as shit.
April 18th, 2009 at 2:45 am
stocking/wave caps when not being worn to make waves in one’s hair, especially on white dudes
April 18th, 2009 at 11:27 am
The Florida State fan pointing to the Florida fan’s jorts seems to be wearing a jirt (jean skirt).
April 18th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
I see that bras have been taken but I will go with “tankinis.” Half tank top half bikini half one piece half amazing? Its all a lie for fat girls to wear a bikini with out showing off their fat gut. Stripes and patterns don’t make you skinny they make you liar.
Also belts on bikinis, unless you’re Halle Berry in that Bond flick. Just stupid
April 18th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
Retro Basketball Jerseys.
Motherfucker, you weren’t even BORN during Wes Unseld’s career.
April 20th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
Little late eto the party here, but would it be possible to eliminate Jeter’s 1996 high fade as a type of clothing?
April 20th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
Hollister
June 3rd, 2009 at 12:49 am
If they wear the silicone bra like this one http://www.budgetgadgets.com/soft-silicone-adhesive-breast-covers-p-5346.html, what happen? LOL