Due to a dearth of emails followed by a flurry of post-deadline submissions, last week’s fantasy mailbag was relatively light on content.  As recompense, we’re going to get to some of those emails now.  And, as a reminder, now through tomorrow is a good time to get submissions in for this week’s regularly scheduled mailbag.

But first, let’s tackle the problems of hapless weirdos with weird sexual hang-ups.  Or, as they’re more commonly known, “Lions fans.”  As much bad advice as you can handle after the jump.

Nostradami of pigskin and poon alike,

I’ve been dating a girl for awhile, and I kinda love her and shit…but we’ve been long distance for most of the relationship.  I’m pretty cool with that, but it really exacerbates the problem of our sex life being lame.  She puts out and all, but I honestly can’t remember the last time we had non-missionary sex…it’s been a long fucking time.  The fact that it’s long distance means we don’t see each other much, so by the time we do, I usually don’t have the willpower to hold out for something better; she wants missionary, I want sex, shit works out.  I’ve tried talking to her about the fact that it’s boring, and, she has begrudgingly agreed to liven things up, but it never plays out.  What the fuck am I supposed to do?  Holding out is kinda tough…she’s much more attractive than me, and I’m not particularly stellar in the sack,

So I gathered.

so I can’t imagine I can outlast her, and talking to her often resembles talking to a wall, particularly when it comes to sex.  I’ve tried nothing and am all out of ideas.

Well, with communication skills like that, how can a long-distance relationship NOT work?!?!

This isn’t rocket science.  You’ve talked about it, and she’s agreed to liven things up.  Now it’s time for you to — and I admit, this is probably gonna be difficult — be a man.  You want doggystyle?  You say, “Turn around, baby.”  You want her on top?  You say, “I want you to get on top.”  You can’t get this advice just anywhere, people.

Football:  It’s bad enough that I get blue balls from the long distance thing, but now the media (and yes, I include you in that) is collectively adding to that by dangling a braylon edwards trade in front of me an average of 6 times a day…does this happen, and if so, when, and if not, what’s the issue?

Looking forward to the sagest wisdom ever.

Get ready for disappointment, then.  You didn’t say if you were a Giants or Browns fan, or whether you hated or loved Edwards, so it’s anyone’s guess what exactly is bothering you about trade talks.  So here’s some general advice on getting worked up about trades: you should have some semblance of faith that each team’s management, acting on assumptions that come from a better-informed point of view than you’re privy to, made a decision in the best interest of the team’s fortunes.  Unless, of course, one of the teams involved is the Raiders or coached by Bill Belichick.

To the good men of KSK,

Football first (as it should be). As a Washington Redskins fan, my football seasons are generally filled with hopes of getting a Wild Card spot in the playoffs, and praying we don’t get beat down by our first round game. So I ask, is Jim Zorn a good enough coach to get us to the promised land (ie, PAST the first round)? Also, can Jason Campbell turn into a franchise QB? With so many holes to fill, (ha) who should the Redskins take with the 13th pick?

Sex. Lately, I’ve been noticing that I can only come one way. By rubbing one out myself in to my lady’s mouth. I last for a good amount of time but find that, when inebriated, reaching orgasm is actually an issue. I have no problems jacking off, but there’s a mental block that prevents me from busting a nut. There’s no problem maintaining erections, or my sexual performance (my lady friend this evening came 4 times). What the fuck is wrong? Am I watching too much porn?

With Leather can suck it,
Cum troubles in Cuse. (G’Orange)

Wow, a Redskins fan who insults the blog that has provided income to half of KSK’s writers.  Welp, I think it’s safe to say the ‘Skins should trade up to get the #1 pick, and you’re doing everything right in the bedroom.  Get yourself a subscription Brazzers and tighten your grip when you masturbate.  That should solve everything.

Hey guys,

First, the sex. So, what’s the rule on sleeping with a friend’s ex? I’ve heard it’s discouraged, but really, who cares?  I know that if I found out one of my friends slept with one of my ex-girlfriends, I’d buy him a drink.

Who cares?  Your friends, probably.  For those of us men who develop so-called “feelings” for women, we prefer that our closest friends not sleep with them as soon as we break up.  Now, you can tinker with the variables (time passed since break-up, intensity/seriousness of relationship) and find a more palatable answer for your purposes.  But let’s put it this way: say you and your friend’s ex-girlfriend are really meant to be, and you end up falling in love and getting married.  At the wedding, do you really want to have a groomsman who nailed your bride before you did?

Now for football. There is a quite diverse mix of fans in the L.A. area. Should we Southern Californians drop our current teams in favor of a local team (if it ever happens), or stay with who we’ve got regardless of how well/poor they’re doing.

Oh, you’re from L.A.!  Now the sleeping-with-your-friends’s-exes thing makes a lot more sense.  Stick with your team, you faithless schmuck.

However, you may root for the geographically-convenient newcomer if a win doesn’t affect your team’s playoff chances OR if it’s the playoffs and your team is out of contention.  Bonus cred if you hold season tickets.

To the conquistadores of the cock,

Football: Do you like the Giants winning it all this season with their current roster? And would they possibly be better with the acquisition of a wide-receiver that dropped so many goddamned passes (that if he dropped as much soap in a prison bathroom, you could see his insides through his asshole)?

Oh, quit your bitching.  The Giants have what may be the best offensive line in all of football.  Try rooting for a team that can’t convert a 3rd-and-1 on the ground for a season; you’ll forget all about complaining about which receivers may or may not be essential to making your mere playoff team a Super Bowl winner.

Sex: I’m a 21 year old broke college student (emphasis on “broke”), and I’m eyeing this 24 year old chick in my African Civilization class who in my opinion is a prettier version of Mary Lynn Rajskub. We only had the usual small talk about school and her college career, but I have this overwhelming desire to ask her out/get in the sack with her (and possibly do a Jack Bauer-Chloe O’Brian roleplay). I’ve never went for older women before, so any tips would be great.

I want to shout out my love for KSK and especially the commenters; you all bring the win. Keep on spanking it!

Aw, that’s nice.  I’m sure they will.

Small talk is a good start.  Assuming that “small talk” means she has engaged you equally — that is, mirroring your nonverbal cues, making eye contact, not making immediate excuses for where she has to be next — the next logical step is asking her out.

Forget that age bullshit.  24 is still very young, and a three-year difference between students in the same class means absolutely nothing.  The simplest, most straightforward thing to ask: “Do you wanna get a drink?”  Master that sentence, sound confident and carefree when you ask it, and you’ll see that asking girls out isn’t as hard as it seems.  And if you’re too broke to buy a woman a drink, then you got problems that are bigger than getting laid.

KSK Gay Mafia,

FB:  I have Drew Brees and Clinton Portis (who broke down last year) in a keeper league.  Am I completely stupid for even considering keeping Brees?

No. I would call that “completely intelligent.”

Sex:  I’m currently on a dry streak, something not too uncommon throughout high school/college, and staring at surgery in a few weeks that will keep me out of the game for the next 3 months or so (no, nothing penis-related).

So, the balls then?

Do you have any recommendations for last minute sex in the meantime that don’t involve me paying anything?  There’s only so much I can whack it.
– Cpt. Carpal Tunnel

Yeah, ask a girl you know if she wants to get a drink.

Dear Cockswirlers,

Sex first. I’m a university student who, like most, loves to go out, get drunk, and, naturally, hook up with random women I have just met. Meeting or enticing women usually isn’t the problem, closing the deal is. My #1 pickup spot – the campus pub – goldmine. Problem being, I dont live on campus, or in the neighbouring student ghetto. I live about a $30 cab ride away…with my parents. I’d gladly foot the cab money, but no way in hell I would get away with bringing a 4am’er home to mom n pop. Sometimes suggesting going back to her place works, but most times appears creepy and scares the good ones away. How do I get into their pants and apartment without suggesting it myself?

Use whatever combination of lies and half-truths to get the job done. “I live way off campus.” “My place got fumigated.”  “My roommate and his girlfriend have been fighting all weekend.”  “My roommates are old dickheads who treat me like I’m their son or something.”

Football. I have to keep 3 between Steven Jackson, Frank Gore, Chris Johnson, Larry Fitzgerald, and Cutlerfuck. Standard League. I’m a Titans fan. Fat Albert can rot in his $100-million coffin.

Sincerely,
No Place to Bone

Oooooohhh.  That’s a nice one.  I’d say Chris Johnson and Fitty for sure.  I like Cutler, but I’m not sure if the Bears have the wideouts (or the offense) to make him a great keeper.  So, Gore or Jackson: flip a coin.  They’re both inconsistent Measts in the NFC West.  Although if it’s PPR, I’d take Jackson.

Dear Gay Mafia:

I’ve been in a friends-with-benefits relationship with a girl from my school for the past two months. [...] She’s a cool girl with a pretty enthusiastic attitude toward sex (e.g. loves giving blowjobs, into being spanked/dominated, etc.).

Unfortunately, she’s been getting urinary tract infections pretty often for the past year, first from her ex-boyfriend and then from me.  She’s tried everything to try to prevent them, from pissing before and after sex, washing up afterwards, drinking lots of water and cranberry juice and so on.  I’m also pretty careful, making sure I shower before seeing her and washing my hands before giving her manual stimulation.

I can feel the spontaneity from here.

She’s planning on seeing a specialist after graduation, but this pretty much means there’s no “below the waist” action from now on. So now I’m feeling guilty that she’s giving me blowjobs while I’m doing little in return. Since it seems like any sort of penetration puts her at risk for a UTI, I’m thinking that we could use a vibrator to give her some clitoral stimulation.  She doesn’t own a vibrator, so do you think it’s OK to buy her one as a pre-graduation gift (a decent ~$30 one, not one of those with a no-name pornstar on the packaging)?  Or is that a little too weird or forward for this kind of relationship?  Should I just stick with being on the receiving end of things and feeling a little bit guilty?  Would simply taking her out to a couple of nice dinners and giving massages make up for the lack of the big O?

Um, you DO understand what “friends with benefits” is, right?  The whole point of FWB is that you’re NOT in a relationship, so you DON’T have to buy her gifts and dinner and bullshit like that.

However, if you really think you need to make it up to her — and maybe you should, what with the way your dirty cock has infected her urinary tract — you’re the person best equipped to answer this question. What would she rather have, romance or clitoral stimulation?  Or, since this girl who isn’t your girlfriend and you can’t have sex with is so special, maybe you should give her both.  A vibrator isn’t going to break the bank, and with the leftover money you can go to dinner wherever college kids go out on dates.  The Cheesecake Factory?

Football:
Not much to say here except that she’s a Lions fan and I’m a Seahawks fan.  Misery loves company, eh?

Thanks,
Good Vibes Guy

Brutal.  But hey, if she’s a Lions fan, she probably likes getting fucked in the ass.  Problem solved!

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