KSK Fantasy Sex/Football Mailbag SPECIAL TUESDAY EDITION! Friends with Benefits, Long Distance, and Urinary Tract Infections
Due to a dearth of emails followed by a flurry of post-deadline submissions, last week’s fantasy mailbag was relatively light on content. As recompense, we’re going to get to some of those emails now. And, as a reminder, now through tomorrow is a good time to get submissions in for this week’s regularly scheduled mailbag.
But first, let’s tackle the problems of hapless weirdos with weird sexual hang-ups. Or, as they’re more commonly known, “Lions fans.” As much bad advice as you can handle after the jump.
Nostradami of pigskin and poon alike,
I’ve been dating a girl for awhile, and I kinda love her and shit…but we’ve been long distance for most of the relationship. I’m pretty cool with that, but it really exacerbates the problem of our sex life being lame. She puts out and all, but I honestly can’t remember the last time we had non-missionary sex…it’s been a long fucking time. The fact that it’s long distance means we don’t see each other much, so by the time we do, I usually don’t have the willpower to hold out for something better; she wants missionary, I want sex, shit works out. I’ve tried talking to her about the fact that it’s boring, and, she has begrudgingly agreed to liven things up, but it never plays out. What the fuck am I supposed to do? Holding out is kinda tough…she’s much more attractive than me, and I’m not particularly stellar in the sack,
So I gathered.
so I can’t imagine I can outlast her, and talking to her often resembles talking to a wall, particularly when it comes to sex. I’ve tried nothing and am all out of ideas.
Well, with communication skills like that, how can a long-distance relationship NOT work?!?!
This isn’t rocket science. You’ve talked about it, and she’s agreed to liven things up. Now it’s time for you to — and I admit, this is probably gonna be difficult — be a man. You want doggystyle? You say, “Turn around, baby.” You want her on top? You say, “I want you to get on top.” You can’t get this advice just anywhere, people.
Football: It’s bad enough that I get blue balls from the long distance thing, but now the media (and yes, I include you in that) is collectively adding to that by dangling a braylon edwards trade in front of me an average of 6 times a day…does this happen, and if so, when, and if not, what’s the issue?
Looking forward to the sagest wisdom ever.
Get ready for disappointment, then. You didn’t say if you were a Giants or Browns fan, or whether you hated or loved Edwards, so it’s anyone’s guess what exactly is bothering you about trade talks. So here’s some general advice on getting worked up about trades: you should have some semblance of faith that each team’s management, acting on assumptions that come from a better-informed point of view than you’re privy to, made a decision in the best interest of the team’s fortunes. Unless, of course, one of the teams involved is the Raiders or coached by Bill Belichick.
To the good men of KSK,
Football first (as it should be). As a Washington Redskins fan, my football seasons are generally filled with hopes of getting a Wild Card spot in the playoffs, and praying we don’t get beat down by our first round game. So I ask, is Jim Zorn a good enough coach to get us to the promised land (ie, PAST the first round)? Also, can Jason Campbell turn into a franchise QB? With so many holes to fill, (ha) who should the Redskins take with the 13th pick?
Sex. Lately, I’ve been noticing that I can only come one way. By rubbing one out myself in to my lady’s mouth. I last for a good amount of time but find that, when inebriated, reaching orgasm is actually an issue. I have no problems jacking off, but there’s a mental block that prevents me from busting a nut. There’s no problem maintaining erections, or my sexual performance (my lady friend this evening came 4 times). What the fuck is wrong? Am I watching too much porn?
With Leather can suck it,
Cum troubles in Cuse. (G’Orange)
Wow, a Redskins fan who insults the blog that has provided income to half of KSK’s writers. Welp, I think it’s safe to say the ‘Skins should trade up to get the #1 pick, and you’re doing everything right in the bedroom. Get yourself a subscription Brazzers and tighten your grip when you masturbate. That should solve everything.
Hey guys,
First, the sex. So, what’s the rule on sleeping with a friend’s ex? I’ve heard it’s discouraged, but really, who cares? I know that if I found out one of my friends slept with one of my ex-girlfriends, I’d buy him a drink.
Who cares? Your friends, probably. For those of us men who develop so-called “feelings” for women, we prefer that our closest friends not sleep with them as soon as we break up. Now, you can tinker with the variables (time passed since break-up, intensity/seriousness of relationship) and find a more palatable answer for your purposes. But let’s put it this way: say you and your friend’s ex-girlfriend are really meant to be, and you end up falling in love and getting married. At the wedding, do you really want to have a groomsman who nailed your bride before you did?
Now for football. There is a quite diverse mix of fans in the L.A. area. Should we Southern Californians drop our current teams in favor of a local team (if it ever happens), or stay with who we’ve got regardless of how well/poor they’re doing.
Oh, you’re from L.A.! Now the sleeping-with-your-friends’s-exes thing makes a lot more sense. Stick with your team, you faithless schmuck.
However, you may root for the geographically-convenient newcomer if a win doesn’t affect your team’s playoff chances OR if it’s the playoffs and your team is out of contention. Bonus cred if you hold season tickets.
To the conquistadores of the cock,
Football: Do you like the Giants winning it all this season with their current roster? And would they possibly be better with the acquisition of a wide-receiver that dropped so many goddamned passes (that if he dropped as much soap in a prison bathroom, you could see his insides through his asshole)?
Oh, quit your bitching. The Giants have what may be the best offensive line in all of football. Try rooting for a team that can’t convert a 3rd-and-1 on the ground for a season; you’ll forget all about complaining about which receivers may or may not be essential to making your mere playoff team a Super Bowl winner.
Sex: I’m a 21 year old broke college student (emphasis on “broke”), and I’m eyeing this 24 year old chick in my African Civilization class who in my opinion is a prettier version of Mary Lynn Rajskub. We only had the usual small talk about school and her college career, but I have this overwhelming desire to ask her out/get in the sack with her (and possibly do a Jack Bauer-Chloe O’Brian roleplay). I’ve never went for older women before, so any tips would be great.
I want to shout out my love for KSK and especially the commenters; you all bring the win. Keep on spanking it!
Aw, that’s nice. I’m sure they will.
Small talk is a good start. Assuming that “small talk” means she has engaged you equally — that is, mirroring your nonverbal cues, making eye contact, not making immediate excuses for where she has to be next — the next logical step is asking her out.
Forget that age bullshit. 24 is still very young, and a three-year difference between students in the same class means absolutely nothing. The simplest, most straightforward thing to ask: “Do you wanna get a drink?” Master that sentence, sound confident and carefree when you ask it, and you’ll see that asking girls out isn’t as hard as it seems. And if you’re too broke to buy a woman a drink, then you got problems that are bigger than getting laid.
KSK Gay Mafia,
FB: I have Drew Brees and Clinton Portis (who broke down last year) in a keeper league. Am I completely stupid for even considering keeping Brees?
No. I would call that “completely intelligent.”
Sex: I’m currently on a dry streak, something not too uncommon throughout high school/college, and staring at surgery in a few weeks that will keep me out of the game for the next 3 months or so (no, nothing penis-related).
So, the balls then?
Do you have any recommendations for last minute sex in the meantime that don’t involve me paying anything? There’s only so much I can whack it.
– Cpt. Carpal Tunnel
Yeah, ask a girl you know if she wants to get a drink.
Dear Cockswirlers,
Sex first. I’m a university student who, like most, loves to go out, get drunk, and, naturally, hook up with random women I have just met. Meeting or enticing women usually isn’t the problem, closing the deal is. My #1 pickup spot – the campus pub – goldmine. Problem being, I dont live on campus, or in the neighbouring student ghetto. I live about a $30 cab ride away…with my parents. I’d gladly foot the cab money, but no way in hell I would get away with bringing a 4am’er home to mom n pop. Sometimes suggesting going back to her place works, but most times appears creepy and scares the good ones away. How do I get into their pants and apartment without suggesting it myself?
Use whatever combination of lies and half-truths to get the job done. “I live way off campus.” “My place got fumigated.” “My roommate and his girlfriend have been fighting all weekend.” “My roommates are old dickheads who treat me like I’m their son or something.”
Football. I have to keep 3 between Steven Jackson, Frank Gore, Chris Johnson, Larry Fitzgerald, and Cutlerfuck. Standard League. I’m a Titans fan. Fat Albert can rot in his $100-million coffin.
Sincerely,
No Place to Bone
Oooooohhh. That’s a nice one. I’d say Chris Johnson and Fitty for sure. I like Cutler, but I’m not sure if the Bears have the wideouts (or the offense) to make him a great keeper. So, Gore or Jackson: flip a coin. They’re both inconsistent Measts in the NFC West. Although if it’s PPR, I’d take Jackson.
Dear Gay Mafia:
I’ve been in a friends-with-benefits relationship with a girl from my school for the past two months. [...] She’s a cool girl with a pretty enthusiastic attitude toward sex (e.g. loves giving blowjobs, into being spanked/dominated, etc.).
Unfortunately, she’s been getting urinary tract infections pretty often for the past year, first from her ex-boyfriend and then from me. She’s tried everything to try to prevent them, from pissing before and after sex, washing up afterwards, drinking lots of water and cranberry juice and so on. I’m also pretty careful, making sure I shower before seeing her and washing my hands before giving her manual stimulation.
I can feel the spontaneity from here.
She’s planning on seeing a specialist after graduation, but this pretty much means there’s no “below the waist” action from now on. So now I’m feeling guilty that she’s giving me blowjobs while I’m doing little in return. Since it seems like any sort of penetration puts her at risk for a UTI, I’m thinking that we could use a vibrator to give her some clitoral stimulation. She doesn’t own a vibrator, so do you think it’s OK to buy her one as a pre-graduation gift (a decent ~$30 one, not one of those with a no-name pornstar on the packaging)? Or is that a little too weird or forward for this kind of relationship? Should I just stick with being on the receiving end of things and feeling a little bit guilty? Would simply taking her out to a couple of nice dinners and giving massages make up for the lack of the big O?
Um, you DO understand what “friends with benefits” is, right? The whole point of FWB is that you’re NOT in a relationship, so you DON’T have to buy her gifts and dinner and bullshit like that.
However, if you really think you need to make it up to her — and maybe you should, what with the way your dirty cock has infected her urinary tract — you’re the person best equipped to answer this question. What would she rather have, romance or clitoral stimulation? Or, since this girl who isn’t your girlfriend and you can’t have sex with is so special, maybe you should give her both. A vibrator isn’t going to break the bank, and with the leftover money you can go to dinner wherever college kids go out on dates. The Cheesecake Factory?
Football:
Not much to say here except that she’s a Lions fan and I’m a Seahawks fan. Misery loves company, eh?
Thanks,
Good Vibes Guy
Brutal. But hey, if she’s a Lions fan, she probably likes getting fucked in the ass. Problem solved!
April 21st, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Hey UTI guy: the problem isn’t her not washing out her vag enough. It’s you not washing off your dirty junk before you throw it in there. Try some shower sex, or post-shower sex. No muss, no fuss.
April 21st, 2009 at 3:41 pm
“My roommates are old dickheads who treat me like I’m their son or something.”
Ah, the old Arj Barker excuse.
April 21st, 2009 at 3:42 pm
I’m sure it’s been spoken to before, but if you play fantasy football, you might want to notice the whole “virtually every backfield in the NFL has a timeshare” trend and rate players accordingly. I mean, it’s not like Drew Brees came within 15 yards of breaking a 25 year record or anything…
April 21st, 2009 at 3:51 pm
I dunno. Maybe it’s just me, but the mailbag seems kinda lame this week. No fault of the GayMafia, of course, they only work with what they’re sent. The link picture was nice, Ufford has the skillz.
April 21st, 2009 at 3:52 pm
UTI girl needs to take acidophilus and cranberry capsules. Juice does nothing, and often makeds it worse because of all the sugar.
April 21st, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Also, she doesn’t need to see a specialist. UTI’s can be easily treated at the local free/cheap clinic or Planned Parenthood.
April 21st, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Brazzers.com you say?
That reminds me…
April 21st, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Hey UTI guy – any chance it could be the type of rubbers you are wearing?
My ex used to get them when we used a certain brand of condoms. Switching to a better/more expensive brand solve the problem. You might try that!
Ladies – am I full of shit or could it be the issue?
April 21st, 2009 at 4:05 pm
Could be, Ryno. Any number of factors can cause UTI’s, but sounds like she just needs a couple weeks of antibiotics to clear it up once and for all. Word of advice though, the antibiotics could in turn cause her to develop a yeast infection, so she definitely needs to take acidophilus and/or eat a shit ton of yogurt while she’s on them.
April 21st, 2009 at 4:11 pm
@Katni: your avatar should be the “More You Know” rainbow from NBC. I would’ve said just get that bitch some AZO
April 21st, 2009 at 4:14 pm
“You think I live with my parents? No, they’re not my parents- they’re just some old, crotchety Indian couple that I sublet to. The weird thing is they look like me.”
“They’ve got photos of themselves with you as a kid.”
“I know. It’s creepy. I think they make ‘em on the computer.”
April 21st, 2009 at 4:16 pm
To long-distance dude:
1. Explain that you would like non-missionary sex.
2. If rebuffed, offer to learn how to be a little better in bed in exchange.
3. If rebuffed again, consider breakup.
4. If considering breakup, consider that your sex, however boring, with an attractive chick, is probably more than you’re going to get on the open market if she’s “much more” attractive than you in your description to a sex advice column and you’re as much of a keeper as you seen here.
5. If you stay with her and nothing changes, quit whining.
April 21st, 2009 at 4:17 pm
My high school girlfriend got UTI’s occasionally as well, I used it as an excuse to try anal
April 21st, 2009 at 4:19 pm
Yes, because when your girl feels like she’s pissing razor blades, anal is probably EXACTLY what she’ll be in the mood for.
April 21st, 2009 at 4:20 pm
Sagest wisdom ever: You want her a certain way, put her in that position. Turn her over, bend her at the waist, put her ankles over your shoulders, whatever. You don’t even need to ask her to do it (unless she’s, like, huge or something) just…do it. It’s very, very hot to be pushed this way and that. p.s. What makes you think you’re so crappy in bed? Has she told you so or something? Bitch.
Cum troubles: I used to see a guy who had the same problem you do, and that was a big disappointment to me. It was like, “Why am I here, working so hard to get him off if he’s just going to finish the job himself?” PLUS he was really lousy at getting me off. My only suggestion to you, then, is that if you can’t finish any other way, get really good at taking care of what she likes.
Schtupping your buddy’s ex: Don’t do it. Just…don’t. It’ll only end in heartache. This works both ways. I have a batshit crazy girlfriend whose ex-boyfriend has expressed some interest in me, and she would CLAW THE FLESH FROM MY SKULL if I ever acted on it.
African Civ/Cap’n Carpal Tunnel: What Caveman said. Can’t improve on that.
Good Vibes: Three words: Hitachi. Magic. Wand.
April 21st, 2009 at 4:22 pm
I think some of the emailers should read Emmitt Smith’s new book – “How To Right GooD Engblish”.
April 21st, 2009 at 4:22 pm
does this mean that tomorrow’s Friday?
April 21st, 2009 at 4:22 pm
I gathered that cum troubles guy was only having this issue when he was drunk. ‘Cause that’s pretty easily solved.
April 21st, 2009 at 4:23 pm
p.s. What makes you think you’re so crappy in bed? Has she told you so or something? Bitch.
I’m thinking this guy is not well-acquainted with the idea of cunning linguistics.
April 21st, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Ufford
Well done this round… and a pleasant surprise for a dreadful workday.
/writes down “can I buy you a drink” on my hand for future use
April 21st, 2009 at 4:23 pm
….also used her period as an excuse for anal
April 21st, 2009 at 4:27 pm
“Any number of factors can cause UTI’s, but sounds like she just needs a couple weeks of antibiotics to clear it up once and for all. Word of advice though, the antibiotics could in turn cause her to develop a yeast infection, so she definitely needs to take acidophilus and/or eat a shit ton of yogurt while she’s on them.”
——————————–
Geez – lady parts require more upkeep thank an 78 Buick.
April 21st, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Indeed, when women are bleeding like stuck pigs for days on end, they are most certainly receptive to that idea as well.
April 21st, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Hey guys, if you like a girl.
GO TALK TO THEM
The worse that can happen is they say no. Unless you are living under a bridge or live in a bell tower. You should be okay.
April 21st, 2009 at 4:30 pm
…also used her mother’s passing as an excuse for anal
April 21st, 2009 at 4:30 pm
No joke. That’s actually part of the reason women still aren’t allowed in combat in the military. They’re not allowed to be out in the field without access to a shower for more than three days at a stretch, lest something develop into toxic shock syndrome.
I don’t think I’ve ever even discussed female genitalia this extensively at the gyno’s office. Sorry ’bout that, all.
April 21st, 2009 at 4:31 pm
what a pleasant surprise! (And I don’t mean the UTI)
April 21st, 2009 at 4:34 pm
The link picture…I like it……I like it a lot
April 21st, 2009 at 4:36 pm
@Ryno, yeah and finding replacement parts, as evidenced by most of the questions in today’s mailbag, are about as hard to come by and install.
April 21st, 2009 at 4:38 pm
@Clare-
I know my ex really enjoyed her Magic Wand, and it certainly made for some entertaining evenings, I tell you what.
April 21st, 2009 at 4:39 pm
@Ryno & Sloth
However, the ‘78 Buick reacts much better when you rear end it unexpectedly.
April 21st, 2009 at 4:46 pm
@Katni: I understood his question to read that it was all the time, but it was particularly bad while he was drunk. Well, whatever. Get good at doing whatever your girl likes you to do, and it’ll be less of a problem.
April 21st, 2009 at 4:47 pm
UTI treatment leading to yeast infections, menstruation, possibility of pregnancy…The maintenance work on internal genitalia sounds scary and daunting. It’s easy when you’ve got a dick. The only hygiene work you have to do is the Clean and Jerk in the shower-and that’s not work.
April 21st, 2009 at 4:50 pm
One of my best friends married an ex-gf of mine. It takes every fiber of strength in me to not ask him “how’s my dick taste?” every day. In other words, that’s a bad idea, dude.
April 21st, 2009 at 4:58 pm
To the guy only getting blowjobs: You are doing her a favor. She is getting a healthy dose of Vitamin E.
April 21st, 2009 at 5:07 pm
To the guy in L.A. go to Hermosa or Manhattan Beach, there are plenty of chicks to fornicate with out there that don’t happen to be your friends ex. They’re waaaaay easier than those stuck up hollywood bitches.
Also, sleeping with a friend’s ex is a good way to get ex-communicated from the group, or just beat up, or both. Is it worth it over one girl? You’re a douche for even thinking about that…but then again, you are from L.A. so you probably don’t know anything about the guy code.
As for what team you root for…well, you steal women, so I don’t see why you shouldn’t steal other teams then root for them, it seems only natural.
April 21st, 2009 at 5:15 pm
“The simplest, most straightforward thing to ask: “Do you wanna get a drink?” Master that sentence, sound confident and carefree when you ask it, and you’ll see that asking girls out isn’t as hard as it seems.”
So when is the next sarging conference, Mystery?
April 21st, 2009 at 5:23 pm
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO A POST ON CHAD JOHNSON CRYING ON THE PHONE
http://drivewaysitups.com/?p=575
April 21st, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Missionary problem guy, just called “dibs bottom” next time. If she doesn’t respect dibs she’s not someone to commit to.
April 21st, 2009 at 5:39 pm
Or you can turn all of the furniture upside-down and attach it to the ceiling so the next time you’re doing “missionary” the joke will be on her.
Though you may need a harness of some kind.
April 21st, 2009 at 5:52 pm
I love that a 3-year age difference = older woman. Hey, that makes her a cougar! Rawr!
April 21st, 2009 at 6:20 pm
To the noncummer: Too much porn, bro. Sorry. If the only way you can bust is to recreate the third scene from Cum Crazy Cunts #53, you need a break. I know that’s total anathema to the theme of KSK but there it is.
To Mr. Missionary: Flip her the fuck over. End of story.
April 21st, 2009 at 6:43 pm
UTI guy: what the hell is wrong with your hands? a vibrator is not a bad idea, but using your fingers goes a long way, especially if you get good at it. which you probably will if you do it every damn time because she has a UTI.
April 21st, 2009 at 6:59 pm
F*cking Cheesecake Factory. Where promising dates go to die in overpriced, cromulent food, and stilted conversation, because we’re in college, and we should have just gotten drunk.
April 21st, 2009 at 7:17 pm
Vag before anal – and not the other way around – and those urinary tract infections will be nothing but a bad memory.
April 21st, 2009 at 7:28 pm
Also, vibrators are always and appropriate gift for a girl. With FWBs it just increases the B, for a clingy girlfriend it lets you off the hook. Heck, I have even given them to girls with whom I did not previously have benefits with. They are a ticket out of the friend zone, w/o unnecessarily exposing yourself to the “I don’t want to risk our friendship” talk.
Top Tip: If you are especially cheeky/confident/don’t care about the outcome, you can ask for a show.
April 21st, 2009 at 8:32 pm
@Cobra Commander
I agree, I’m intrigued by her ideas and would like to subscribe to her newsletter.
April 21st, 2009 at 9:46 pm
I love that a 3-year age difference = older woman.
With a little luck, maybe you can find a way to bridge the vast generational chasm between your ripe 21 and her decrepit 24. You two should be fine now, but it’s going to get awkward as hell next year when she’s legally able to rent a car. Oh Hertz! You soulless bastards!
April 21st, 2009 at 11:53 pm
Can’t Cum Dude : Stop beating off to YouPorn three times a day, especially if you’re the kind of guy who’ll watch a clip, jerk a little, watch another clip, jerk a little, watch another clip, jerk a little more, oh, almost there, watch another clip, ah, that one’s good, cum.
That shit is not conducive to being able to cum when a girl does something to you. It should be called Sex ADD or something. If you require 18 different stimuli before you can cum, you definitely suffer from Sex ADD. Easy fix : Stop watching porn. Problem will go away in two weeks or so.
/what?
April 21st, 2009 at 11:54 pm
@Harry Pelotas She’s not a big fan of shower sex, but my junk is usually pretty clean. I mean, she likes giving head, so the least I can do I wash down there before she comes over.
@katni She does take cranberry capsules and gets treatment from the student health clinic. She has antibiotics for infections, but maybe she needs to use them for a few weeks. In any case, she’ll be gone by then. If this were more than an FWB thing, then I’d have her go for a long-term solution. But, I appreciate your advice greatly.
@Ryno The brand of condom is probably unlikely as she got a UTI after some manual stimulation and unprotected sex (she’s on the pill). Not sure if it was the penetration or what, but it’s definitely not because of the condom.
@Mike Could try to do some manual stimulation only, but she’s getting to be a bit paranoid that any foreign body down there is going to cause an infection.
So a followup: I simply ended up asking her if she was cool with me buying her a vibe: She said yes and now I’m getting her one before the weekend. I’m glad this question enhanced everyone’s understanding on how delicate lady parts are.
April 21st, 2009 at 11:55 pm
@ Gino
“You think I live with my parents? No, they’re not my parents- they’re just some old, crotchety Indian couple that I sublet to. The weird thing is they look like me.”
First thing I thought about was Dave, too. Classic.
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:09 am
“At the wedding, do you really want to have a groomsman who nailed your bride before you did?”
Better than a groomsman who nailed her afterwards.
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:40 am
UTI’s can really put a damper on things. I noticed that there is a trend when you have sex more than twice without both of you showering. Katni gives sound advice here. Yeast infections usually follow up and right quickly.
Vibrators are always a thoughtful gift for the girl in your life. Warning though. If you ever break up with her the first thing she will pack will be the vibrator and the second will be the engagement ring. Experience sucks.
Finally to address the football related item that received little attention. Team LA. I live in LA and lived here when the Rams and Raiders played here. Didn’t matter. I was born a Viking fan and I see no way of that ever changing. Which makes it more interesting if a Vikings team move to LA ever happens. It’s my team and they would be right here, right? I could have season seats and everything… But they belong in Minnesota. I would be torn.
But if you are a fan of a team that isn’t moving here and you are wondering about switching allegiance? Give it a few years and see if they grow on you. It happened to my brother when he moved to San Diego 25 years ago. He was a dick for switching teams.
April 22nd, 2009 at 2:31 am
I haven’t read all the comments yet, so maybe someone said this but,
@Good Vibes Guy: Who are you and where do you live? A friend with benefits/fuck buddy who actually feels guilty about only receiving pleasure? My experience has led me to believe they didn’t exist.
April 22nd, 2009 at 2:43 am
@Needs More Cheerleaders: /frantically looks for the camera that Needs More Cheerleaders uses to watch me jack it.
That routine has sometimes (but inconsistently) caused me to suffer from the same syndrome.
April 22nd, 2009 at 2:49 am
@Carrie: Of course we do. Are you the girl who wrote in about this very subject a couple of months ago?
April 22nd, 2009 at 3:22 am
@Dieter: I didn’t write about it specifically, but it was in my question. Usually I’m “the virgin who gives blowjobs (who wrote in)”.
April 22nd, 2009 at 3:23 am
@ Clare…A) she never said anything, but B) It’s not that it’s bad, I was just saying that I need it more than she does
April 22nd, 2009 at 8:50 am
Hehe, I like that there’s a commenter with the name “UTI Guy” now. I hope it sticks.
April 22nd, 2009 at 9:09 am
A FWB that continues to give BJ’s even though she can’t get anything in return? WOW, screw the vibrator (no pun intended) and get her a hallmark card with a gift certificate to a vibrator shop.
April 22nd, 2009 at 10:32 am
I used to have a FWB for a few years actually who did the same thing. She was the kinda chick who didn’t think sex was a “big deal”, but in a good way if you know what I mean-not using it as emotional blackmail or leverage etc.. Of course, once she found an admittedly good guy and created a decent relationship, buh-bye. It was awesome, but then I became spoiled and it really affected my future relationships. The whole “why buy the cow” kinda thing. Ah well, nothing that a few trips to TJ won’t cure.
Where was I?
April 22nd, 2009 at 10:33 am
Carrie….if you’re looking for a guy who feels guilty about only receiving pleasure, I’ll tell you where to find them. They’re right next to Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny hanging out in your imagination.
If you’re feeling guilty about it, it’s because you want to be more than friends.
Now obviously, you don’t want to be the only one receiving pleasure all the time, because then the girl has no motivation to keep fucking you.
April 22nd, 2009 at 10:41 am
RE JMill Says: April 22nd, 2009 at 10:33 am
“Carrie….if you’re looking for a guy who feels guilty about only receiving pleasure, I’ll tell you where to find them. They’re right next to Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny hanging out in your imagination.”
That’s some solid win right there. The word for someone who services you with no expectation of anything in return, not even some sexin’ up for her, is a) hooker or 2) chump or iii) fucked up emotionally, which will probably turn out badly for you in some way in the future. You think it doesn’t mean anything to her, but it means something, or she wouldn’t keep doing it.
April 22nd, 2009 at 10:45 am
I’m now terribly concerned about the vaginal well-being of a woman I’ve never met.
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:07 pm
@Slash – I had number 3 as a FWB all throughout highschool and some of college and I disagree fully.
Terrific girl. An IM or phone call and 20 minutes later I was driving around town with a head in my lap or parked with my dinky in some stinky (hehe). You know how that ended? She found an actual boyfriend, got pregnant and went back to school. I found my future wife a month and a half later and nobody ends up hurt in the long run. As far as I know. I mean, she looks happy in her facebook pictures. No, the kid looks nothing like me, why do you ask? What? No, there’s no way this comes to bite me in the ass.
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:28 pm
RE MerK Says: “I had number 3 as a FWB all throughout highschool and some of college and I disagree fully. Terrific girl. An IM or phone call and 20 minutes later I was driving around town with a head in my lap or parked with my dinky in some stinky (hehe). You know how that ended? She found an actual boyfriend, got pregnant and went back to school. I found my future wife a month and a half later and nobody ends up hurt in the long run. As far as I know.”
Eh, I said “probably.” I guess I should change that to “POSSIBLY turn out badly for you in some way.” Plus, sounds like your FWB got some in return. I have no problem with no-strings sex. As long as everyone understands what “no-strings” means. And that everyone is OK with that. I just doubt that in many of these arrangements, it’s spelled out so clearly. I could be wrong. Kids these days and their FWB, as if they invented the concept. Just seems like a lot of the time the B part goes mostly to the male person and not so much to the female person. Again, I could be wrong here. If someone could point me to a credible study in this area, feel free. I’m just skeptical that bouncing on over to your FWB’s house every time he feels like getting a blowjob and then leaving right after so as not to “act like a girlfriend” is as liberating and awesome and self-actualizing as many people are making it out to be. It’s not really a shock that men have no problem with this type of arrangement.
April 22nd, 2009 at 1:16 pm
I’m with Slash on this one – I think that FWB relationships are just cover for people who are a.) unpleasant to be around, b.) lousy lays. If a) is true there’s enough of a sexual pull to hold things together, but relatively dysfunctional otherwise. If b) is true then the sex can truly be casual but isn’t worth pursuing except to fulfill the occasional biological need when the urge becomes strong enough.
April 22nd, 2009 at 1:54 pm
@Carrie Find a guy who likes, and is good at, giving oral sex. Those are the men who like to give as much as they like receiving.
The key to this FWB relationship is that she’s gone at the beginning of May. We’ve known that since we began hooking up so there’s no hidden hurt feelings if one of us had found someone else or if we got bored with each other, etc. Anyway, it’s not like she wasn’t getting anything in return until the UTIs became a constant recurrence. And now that she’s getting a free vibrator out of this, I think we’re pretty equal.
Mind you, I think this whole setup is a rarity, so your mileage with any FWB may vary.
April 22nd, 2009 at 3:15 pm
RE UTI Guy Says:
“The key to this FWB relationship is that she’s gone at the beginning of May. We’ve known that since we began hooking up so there’s no hidden hurt feelings if one of us had found someone else or if we got bored with each other, etc. Anyway, it’s not like she wasn’t getting anything in return until the UTIs became a constant recurrence. And now that she’s getting a free vibrator out of this, I think we’re pretty equal.”
Cool. It’s like a gift with purchase at the Estee Lauder counter at Macy’s. So it’s all good.
April 22nd, 2009 at 4:17 pm
To the kid who thinks he has a friend with benefits, but is actually in a relationship with a girl devoid of the knowledge as to how to hygienically wipe her ass- wash your hands all you want, she is wiping back to front and spreading bacteria from her ass to her cookie jar. Either walk the misses through an asswiping tutorial, or start looking for a girl who knows how to clean up without spreading shit about her trim- I know which one I would pick.
April 22nd, 2009 at 7:55 pm
“Use whatever combination of lies and half-truths to get the job done.” And that my friends is comedy gold.
April 23rd, 2009 at 10:40 am
My buddy married an ex of mine (of a few of ours, actually), and everything is cool. It’s not always that big a deal. People break up for a reason.
April 26th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Is no one willing to touch on the fact thats its VIRTUALLY FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE to have that many good players in your keeper league?
I have to choose 3 of my 6 first round picks, oh woe is me.