KSK Fantasy Sex/Football Mailbag: Of Web Cams, Marrying Virgins, and Subsidized JDate Accounts
Well, here we are. Another week of people revealing their weird fantasies and oversharing their messed up lives. Oh, and asking football questions. Can’t forget about the football.
I’m relieved to say that there’s no discussion of HPV this week, but you can catch everything else after the jump.
A girl I’m seeing stuck her finger in my ass recently. Just the tip up to the first knuckle – but it was unmistakably a finger in my anus. I can’t say I liked it, but it took her asking me if I liked it for me to tell her that I did not. Does this make me a pussy, or worse, gay?
Also, is LT a 1st rd fantasy pick in ‘09?
Sincerely,
Puckering in Punxsutawney
There’s nothing wrong with liking something you like. If you happen to like a finger in your ass, that’s cool. If it makes you uncomfortable — and, as much as I try to be adventuresome, it makes me uncomfortable — then that’s that. But straights can have ass play, too, y’know. Don’t be such a meatheaded homophobic ass.
LT could be a decent late-first round pick, but I wouldn’t take him. Of course, I could be egregiously wrong… or LT could be largely ineffective and/or get injured (like every 30-year-old RB) before Darren Sproles takes over.
Hey Kids,
First up, sex question, I like to beat off on web cam and don’t mind that it’s just other guys watching me. hell I even like when they chat back at me. I’m not interested in guys, so is this wrong of me?
I wouldn’t say “wrong” so much as “inherently gay.” But if no one’s getting hurt and it works for you, hey, live it up. Of course, your next girlfriend might not feel the same way.
Football, what are the real chances the Ravens run away with the AFC North?
Thanks,
Web Cam Fun
“Run away”? None whatsoever. In fact, that’s patently ridiculous. But they have a realistic chance of winning the division and/or going to the playoffs. Which is enough to make you seem like a prick for even asking.
Fellas,
I’ve got a question that’s more relationship-based than sex-based. (I know, I’m gay, blah blah blah.) My girlfriend and I recently got engaged after 5 years of dating, but I royally screwed up the proposal. I didn’t get down on one knee, I didn’t talk to her parents beforehand, and I didn’t even have a dinner reservation lined up for afterwards. She said yes and is excited to get married, but she gets more and more bummed out about the proposal every time someone asks how it happened and she has to relive the disappointment. So I have promised I’ll make it up to her and do whatever it takes to make her feel better.
[Chunk of text edited out -- BE SUCCINCT, ASSHOLES] What should I do to make her forget my crappy proposal? (Note that I’m basically broke, so the cheaper the idea, the better.)
That was waaaaay too long, so here’s a quick football query: What the fuck is going on with the 49ers QB situation? I will go apeshit if Pants-Down Singletary trots out Shaun Fucking Hill again.
-John D.
Well, aren’t you just the thoughtless asshole. And now you want some people who don’t know anything about your fiancee to give you some magical yet inexpensive romantic flourish that will make amends.
Impossible.
Of course, if she ever takes the ring off — say, in the shower or to do dishes — that would be a good time to steal it from her. And then she’ll freak out, and you can tell her to calm down and see if she left it in the bedroom. And in the bedroom is where you spelled out “I love you” in rose petals, and she’ll see it and turn around, and there you are on one knee, with the ring, ready with an apology and an appropriate proposal.
Blech.
Anyway, the 49ers QB situation is fucked. This is well documented. Hope for a trade to get a mediocre journeyman.
Dear Testicle Twiddlers,
I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost 3 years now, things are going great, but she’s saving it til marriage. I had a healthy sex life going into the relationship, but we’ve been hanging out at third forever. Since she’s not a religious wackjob and is pretty good at thing in the bedroom not involving my genitalia in a nether orifice, I’ve accepted it. She’s graduating soon but plans on pursuing further education and has said that she wasn’t going to get married until she was done with school. I, however, feel compelled to further shackle my manhood and put a ring on her finger… So, my question: is it better to propose soon (I’ve been saving up) and risk a prolonged engagement with a slim chance of getting together sooner, or should I wait her schooling out and have a relatively shorter “in between” period. I’m confident that I’m not rushing things because of my desire to slide home…
So essentially, you’re thinking about asking for someone’s hand in marriage in the slim hopes that you’ll get laid for the first time in three years. In other countries, I’d give you a gun with one bullet and leave the room.
Wait to ask. That gives you more time to be save up and be sure about your decision, however ill-advised it may be. And besides, prolonged engagements are gay.
Football: AFC North. How good is Flacco, really? As a lifelong Steelers fan, it seems as if a few good Ravens players are keeping us away from total long-term domination of the division since Cincy and Cleveland can’t seem to pull out of their death spiral.
Peace, love and Choco Tacos.
~James, VA
(P.S. Fix yo’ twitter!)
“Oh, boo hoo hoo! We’ve won two Super Bowls in four years, but our team has to face a difficult divisional rival that we usually beat!” Heartbreaking story.
Hard to make a definitive judgment after just one season, but Flacco is at least solid, and maybe excellent. And he’s already cut his teeth in the playoffs (with two wins and that horrible performance against the Steelers), so he’s only going to get better. OH NOES! The Steelers will have to STAY an excellent team in order to keep winning Super Bowls!
Dear Christmas Ape and his homo friends,
Oh, okay. I see how it’s going to be.
So this Braylon Edwards to the Giants thing is in the news. I’m in favor of it if only because they have 10 picks and 5 open roster spots, so they might as well roll the dice on a wideout who’s made it to the Pro Bowl since they’ll end up cutting half those picks anyway. What’s your guys’ take on the trade?
Need your opinion validated, huh? Sure. What you said.
As for sex, is it pathetic to go on JDate?
No.
The lapsed Catholic I’m dating isn’t putting out, and my mother will pay for the JDate membership because she hates all the lapsed Catholics I date.
Allow me to change my answer to “yes.”
Still, we all know that the Internet eliminates the thrill of romantic conquest. What do you guys say?
-Bobby W.
I say there was an outside shot of people respecting you before you admitted that your mother has offered to pay for your Internet dating service. But then again, I am but a mere Gentile. Let’s go to KSK resident Jew Unsilent Majority:
“Sadly, this is not an uncommon practice.”
So go for it, I guess. People meet on the Internet all the time and have sex and sometimes even get married. Be a pioneer! Break down those societal hang-ups about Internet dating. Oh, and be sure to tell that lapsed Catholic when you break up with her that Mommy’s paying for your JDate membership. It will remove any and all sting of getting dumped.
Hi peeps,
Football (always) first: I’m terrible at fantasy drafting. I have rigidly stuck to the RB, RB, QB, WR method the last few years (except for last year when I went RB, RB, Kevin Smith… and what a great decision that was…) but it’s not working for me. Can you recommend a different draft strategy? I’m willing to try anything!
Your problem is you’re drafting like it’s 2004. Most teams use the ol’ running back by committee system, and even the biggest workhorses often get capped at 20-25 touches. The net result is that other positions have increased in value. Is it really imperative that you get, say, Julius Jones with your second pick instead of Larry Fitzgerald or Drew Brees? No.
It’s idiotic to stay within rigid parameters. Pay attention to what value is available at which positions, and draft accordingly.
Sex: My gf is both ridiculously hot and incredible in the sack BUT if you look up ‘Hard Fucking Work’ in the dictionary there is a picture of her. Sometimes I’m so sick of dealing with her daily mini crises (i.e. I didn’t sms her back inside five minutes so wtf is my problem? But of course, when she doesn’t get back to me all day that’s a-ok) that I seriously consider jacking her in. Should I stay my frustration just because she’s ruined me for other women (in bed) or should I kick her to the curb and go marry a nun?
Keep up the good work,
Sanchez
What? A very attractive woman is a high-maintenance pain in the ass? Quelle surprise! You, my friend, are existing in what many people call “the real world.” I hope you brought a coat — it gets cold here.
What it comes down to is your own happiness. If you can put up with the annoying stuff and revel in the sex, keep on keepin’ on. If not, take a lot of pictures before you dump her, and enjoy the memories. As you move forward, sex with other people will still be enjoyable. I promise.
Tags: captain caveman, Jewish girls have nice boobs, ksk fantasy sex advice mailbag, Ufford Photoshops
April 16th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
To John D. , fuck that fancy proposal bull shit. I’ve known guys that went way over board on proposals only to get divorced a few years later. However, not asking her parents beforehand is wrong. Be a good husband, that should be enough for her to forget about the proposal.
April 16th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
The old finger in the asshole trick. I have fallen victim to that as well. It’s more of an initial shock then anything. I had planned on keeping my asshole virginity forever but a young maiden robbed it from me. I felt shamed. And dirty. Then I asked her to do it again.
Oh, and LT is done as a 1st rounder. He’s an option as a 2nd RB but that’s only if he doesn’t continue to fall apart.
April 16th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
Also, to the beatoff webcam guy: yeah, you’re gay. Time to tell mom and dad. Hell, you can probably run a webcam service for other young gay men and make some money off of it. Go for gusto!
April 16th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
Bobby W > As a serial internet dater, I say Do It! Internet chicks are easier than most. That your mom is paying for it is sad, yet awesome also.
James > Long engagements suck. Wait.
Sanchez > Hard Fucking Work will only get crazier and crazier. Trust me. They always do.
April 16th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
Jewish girls have nice boobs
Welcome to jewbs day at KSK.
April 16th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
“First up, sex question, I like to beat off on web cam and don’t mind that it’s just other guys watching me. hell I even like when they chat back at me. I’m not interested in guys, so is this wrong of me?”
I threw up in my mouth…FUCK
April 16th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Bobby W: Go for it. Internet dating isn’t as horrible as people say it is. That’s how I met some of my favorite ex’s. Besides, I doubt you could as easily get your mom to subsidize many rounds of drinks at the bar.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
@Unsilent
Don’t Jews have sex through sheets or something? How can you see the boobs?
April 16th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
Go all the way and make your mother pay for the Adult Friend Finder membership. Pussy.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
See, that’s solid advice! All I wanted was a general suggestion, since you clearly don’t know me or my girl. And that’s a great idea. Upstate, thanks to you, as well. I’m starting to see that just being extra-nice is helping her get over it. Coupled with Caveman’s idea, I should be in the money.
And again, apologies for the length of the e-mail. I hate being that asshole.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
“I like to beat off on web cam and don’t mind that it’s just other guys watching me.”
That might be the gayest thing ever written here
April 16th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
@Johnny D
I also did not go overboard on my proposal but if that is what she is basing the future upon, think twice. It is what you do for her as her husband that matters. Take her somewhere nice and show her some extra attention. That’ll work just fine.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
@Charlie- http://farm1.static.flickr.com/28/66013123_80ea864895_o.jpg
April 16th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
@UU
I don’t think anything else will ever come close to that statement. That’s a hall-of-flame statement is ever there was one.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Bobby – Shocker you are jewish and getting someone else to pay for your membership…how cheap can you be?
I too was embarressed and afraid when I had the finger in the ass pulled, errrr inserted, on me. I have since graduated to tongues and toys! (There is no man attraction or desire within me!)
April 16th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
That might be the gayest thing ever written here
not even close. i can’t think of any specific examples at the moment, but still… not even close.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
@Unsilent
Thank you sir. I have a thing for Sarah Silverman and I cannot rid myself of it. That pic is now my screensaver at work. Wonder how long that will last.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
@CVE, I feel gay just from reading that.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
John D –
Just do something romantic when it would be somewhat unexpected. Watch a John Cusack movie or two to get an idea, but make it personal. .
Break the stereotype of losing interest once you’re locked up, should be a good way to make up for not following the normal premarriage protocol.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
Upstate Underdog Says:
April 16th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
“I like to beat off on web cam and don’t mind that it’s just other guys watching me.”
That might be the gayest thing ever written here
And thats saying something right there
April 16th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
@UU
I feel the urge to tell you “Let’s hug it out” Oh shit!!
April 16th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
Jewish girls have great boobs AND give great head….but are super hard work.
Paid for J-date? Fuck yes, hit that shit up and find the sluttiest looking Molly Goldberg you can find.
Also, finger in butt is great when you are about to cum it just has to be slowly worked (good taint rub slowly morphing into butt massage = super sperm)
April 16th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
@ UU and CVE — ” And in the bedroom is where you spelled out “I love you” in rose petals..”
THAT’S the gayest thing ever on here.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
If you’re picking your first WR in the fourth round, you’re in the wrong league.
Also, when will you Jews be happy? Killing Jesus and sexual conquest in 2 millennia is probably enough. Why don’t you sit the next one out?
April 16th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
If she’s not a religious wackjob, why in the hell is she saving it for marriage? I hope you’ve explained to her that the first time is not some magical angels-singing golden-light-radiating experience. Also, you have the patience of a saint.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
By the way… thanks to all who responded to my question last week. I am sure you all are dying to know… but I still haven’t gotten any from the recently-birthed mother of my kids. I’m thinking of ending spoiling her and just springing for a hooker for myself.*
*May or may not be kidding
April 16th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
If she’s saving it for marriage, say goodbye to blow jobs afterwards. FACT.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Also, Jewish women do not have sex, they have migraines. Can anyone tell me the name of one female Jewish pornstar? Just curiousity.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
@bk, we want examples. Sure there have been a lot of joking around about gay stuff, but openly admitting you like to j off on a web cam and not minding that dudes are watching is super gay.
@CVE,control your urges.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
@ FearTheBuzzsaw
“a lifelong Steelers fan”
NO, that’s the gayest thing ever on here. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
April 16th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
@FTBS
The rose petal statement is nowhere NEAR the beatoff on webcams infront of only guys statement. It’s not the same league, same ballpark or even the same fucking sport.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Animal Mother wins.
@ UU
I don’t know what came over me…oh no! A double entendre!
April 16th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
A followup question for James in VA: has she at least expressed INTEREST in going past third base? Because if it hasn’t been a serious temptation for her in a good solid three years of finger-dancing, I’d proceed with extreme caution. A girl you’re going to marry should WANT to fuck you. Because if she doesn’t, she won’t (outside of an occasional maintenance lay).
April 16th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
It’s taking ALL my womanly restraint not to judge the dumb broad described above for being unhappy about her proposal because she can’t impress the screeching “he went to Jarrod’s!” harpies she’s befriended with it. The fact that women demand that a marriage begin with a pointless gesture dictated by corporately-packaged notions of romance and a thousand-dollar investment in something that is utterly useless and enjoyable for only one person, yet somehow expect reciprocity in a relationship from there on out makes me want to go live in the goddamn desert with a turtle and a shotgun for friends. CHRIST.
Whoops, I think I just judged. My bad.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Puckering: Have you tried to put it in her ass? Turnabout is fair play.
Web Cam: If you’re gay, and this is your way of coming out, you are a ballsy, ballsy guy. If you’re straight (or at least that’s what you tell yourself) and you’re just gay for pay, I don’t respect that. Can’t wait to see your clips on Fleshbot’s Today in Masturbation feature!
John D: I’m of two minds about the whole “asking her father for permission” thing. Part of me thinks it’s a nice tradition, and part of me thinks, “fuck you, you’re not marrying the guy, Dad, I am. He doesn’t need your permission to marry me, he needs MY permission.” It makes the woman feel a bit like chattel. How did you ask her, anyway?
James, VA: Do any other of the Gorgeous Ladies of the Mailbag get a “she’s stringing him along” vibe from this story? Because that’s what I’m getting.
Bobby W: If you let your mother pay for your JDate membership, be prepared for her to harangue you mercilessly about your progress on the site. She wants a return on her investment. (And can I sidebar here and say that I was reading a wedding blog today (shut up) focusing on how to do weddings on the cheap? The girl that ran the blog? Most of the weddings she featured? Jewish. Stereotypes are fun.)
Sanchez: I heard a great saying once about girls: Hot, smart, or sane. Pick two. You can’t have all three.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
buzzsaw shit we told you, she has to heal first. women also get a huge hormonal surge and then a huge hormanla let down simulataneously! it is called porn buzzsaw and if you have kids you have the responsibility, nay, the DUTY to jack off furiosly until she is ready. and when she is, whoo hooo think about a pencil in a cave my friend.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
And the women of KSK have spoken. Abandon hope all ye who enter here!
April 16th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Great proposals are as overrated as Ocho Cinco. Marriage is work, not magic and fairy tales.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
I say tell her anal sex doesn’t count and that she’ll still be pure!
April 16th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
This is a very gay sexbag.
Not only do Jewish girls have great boobs and give the effort to give great head (not necessarily meaning they’re good at it), but their moms will cook you just about anything. The kicker is you have to find ones that don’t keep kosher. It’s not that hard, they’re like protestants compared to Catholics.
Furthermore, everybody take a deep breath and let tax day fade into the rearview mirror before thinking about getting married.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
I don’t know about the stringing him along bit Clare, but I am curious to know what specifically about this girl makes her worth giving up a “healthy sex life” indefinitely. If she wants to wait until marriage, and is looking at probably another two years of school, that’s at least half a decade of not getting laid. And as somebody else already said, if she hasn’t even been tempted, then she’s probably not going to be interested even after you’re married.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
@ CVE – Amen. When kitty’s claws come out, just get out of the way.
@ tbone – We can tell Mr. “I Beat Off on Web Cam for Gay Guys” the same thing about anal sex and he’ll still be straight.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
“Can’t wait to see your clips on Fleshbot’s Today in Masturbation feature!”
Clare- Interesting web surfing habits you have. I respect (lust?) you more and more every day.
@ Quentin – yeah, yeah. I know. I know. GRRR.
@AnimalMother – Touche’, my friend. Touche’.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
Web cam guy and ass play guy have some great marriage proposal ideas for each other.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Fuck did I need this mailbag in ‘02 before getting engaged.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
@ Animal Mother… Im trying to erase said Sausage Jockey from my memory
April 16th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
How soon we forget.
Presenting the gayest thing ever on KSK:
http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2007/1/if-i-see-tony-romo-im-gonna-give-him.html
April 16th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
“I like to beat off on web cam and don’t mind that it’s just other guys watching me. hell I even like when they chat back at me.”
That’s not just gay, that’s fucked up in the head gay.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Proposal guy: Who cares if you didn’t ask her dad? I’m assuming she’s not 19 years old? So if she’s an adult woman and can make adult decisions daddy’s opinion shouldn’t matter.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Oh, and asking for permission is gay. Are you marrying her or her daddy?
@FMRA: Couldn’t agree more. You girls should have to earn that ring. Cause once she gets it, it’s all downhill. At least for the 90% of us who don’t have these “perfect” marriages with regular sex. Somehow KSKommenters compromise that other 10%. Thousand-dollar investment? Yeah, it’s gonna be a bit more than a grand. Then she’ll pawn it for beer and coke money for her biker boyfriend.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
This might be the weakest mailbag ever. 5 posts?! I expected more, specifically from you Unsilent Majority…but you get an F+ for the JewBoobSilverman pic (atleast thats how I saved it)…
And yes, the guy jacking off infront of the webcam for dudes might be the most homosexual thing ever written or commented on in this blog, or any other blog for that matter…
Any girl who is waiting for to give it up until you marry, and also says she won’t get married till after school is only committed to one thing. Waiting. Move along my friend, move along…
Finger in the butthole? I agree with the majority here, turnabout is fair play, just plunge your junk painfully into the brown hole, either she’ll just take it happily, or you can say “YEAH, IT HURTS DOESN’T IT!”
Guy with Hot girlfriend who is great in the sack. Go fuck yourself. I’m not real sure what the problem is…go ahead, dump your 10 for a 6…atleast you’ll have something to cry about when your in therapy later in life…
JDate, because all the really religious Catholics are on Jdate?? Also, how the fuck does your mom know about Jdate? I would suggest http://www.conjugalharmony.com….try it out, bios are classic
Finally, Claire, I love you, and if you happen to get any random friend requests this week, I’d go ahead and accept them because I’m SURE not one of them is your stalker…
April 16th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
You girls should have to earn that ring.
wow I think you completely missed the point of what I said.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Jewish Female Porn Stars:
Arianna Jolee
Joanna Angel
Daphne Rosen
Naomi
and, of course…
Nina Hartley!
April 16th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
@rocco im sorry your lady with the big boobs and butter face isnt around anymore, but dont let your bitterness spill over to the rest of us.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
If Web Cam Wanker is Jewish, does he have to spank it through a sheet with a hole in it?
April 16th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Hot, smart, or sane. Pick two. You can’t have all three.
does that mean you’re only pretending to be crazy?
April 16th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
I evidently didn’t discover KSK in time to . . . enjoy that bit of . . . erotic literature. I could have happily lived died without knowing that exists.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
There is a difference between asking the father’s permission and asking for her parents’ blessing. I would be annoyed at the permission route, and I guarantee my mom and dad would not react well to that. Asking for their blessing, on the other hand, would be very well received.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
@Cap
Thank you completely disturbing me on this fine Thursday.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Sanchez, move on. Trust me; I have briefly mingled with a pretty hot chick or two, and the drama is not worth it. Move on to a slightly less hot/more sane girl, and keep the hot psycho in the spank bank.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Nina Hartley is Jewish? She has a black woman’s ass… Daphne Rosen is also incredible.
I actually enjoy dating Jewish women, every one I have messed around with are great in the sack.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
I feel like the “is the good sex worth the cray-cray?” conversation comes up every week.
The way I see it, if you don’t like someone, you shouldn’t fucking date them. There are, like, other people in the world, and stuff.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
The high amount of gay literature today has completely astounded me. I am at a loss. Quick, Clare, FMRA and Katni kiss each other ever so gently! On webcam! Save us, our future depends on it.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Asking her father for permission is just a show of respect for the old man. You’re going to spend the rest of your life, or at least the next few years, trying to fuck his daughter in the ass. And now he has to acknowledge it. The least you can do is show some deference to the man.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
I didn’t really “ask” my wife to marry me. She’d say, hint, intimate “can we get married” or somesuch and I’d say yes. Took her about a year to actually believe me. Also, (and I get it romance is nice but…) fuck that asking parents for a blessing or permission noise. If you’re gonna marry someone, do you really actually give a shit what her parents think?
Finally, once the decision has been made – go together to get her ring. Let her decide what she wants (within acceptable $$ range) instead of you springing something on her. Best decision I made when getting married.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
I’m truly amazed at the knowledge of Porn Stars’ religious backgrounds. You fellas deserve a research grant or something.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Agreed, FMRA. Also, the “great sex/total head case” scenario is a two way street, btw. That’s not specific to women. I’ve dated a number of guys who were fantastic in bed, but total nutjobs otherwise. I’ve found that it’s best to cut your losses and move on.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
well said tracer
April 16th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
Researching Porn Stars’ religious backgrounds is just plain smart. Find out which religions produce the most whores (the Jews and Mormons) and then look for those on AdultFriendFinder. VOILA!
You can’t score freaky deviant sex on a consistent basis if you don’t do your homework.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
@FMRA: No, I got it, and agree. Just kinda ran that into a different train of thought. If you’re gonna go the marriage route, it should be on equal terms. Not, “Here’s this ring that cost me a few grand, will you marry me, so I can pray and hope that you still give it up?”
/Bitter? Who me?
April 16th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Oh, man: “… she gets more and more bummed out about the proposal every time someone asks how it happened and she has to relive the disappointment. So I have promised I’ll make it up to her and do whatever it takes to make her feel better.”
Don’t wanna start any shit here, but she’s already whining that your proposal wasn’t good enough and you’re promising to do whatever it takes to make her feel better about it? Just sayin’… I’m a chick and that seems… ungrateful and childish on her part. Likely, she told the story to one of her friends and the friend said something assholish, like, “That’s it? Wow, he really went to a lot of trouble.” I love how people today are such drama queens that the really very commonplace rites of passage that most of us go through in a typical life must be planned and carried out as if they are the moon landing or D-Day. Can’t have JUST a proposal, it must be so fucking “romantic” that it will make your friends want to kill themselves when they hear of it because their pathetic moments of happiness look like steaming piles of dogshit compared to your transcendent experience. Unless there’s something important you’re leaving out (you do know you’re supposed to reveal all exculpatory evidence to the prosecution, right?), seems to me being asked to marry someone is pretty special in and of itself and to pout afterwards about how disappointing it was is extremely bad form. She should be apologizing to you for acting like such a bitch.
Having thrown that in there, the advice that KSK offers sounds like something that most women would probably go apeshit for.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
@Katni
No man is crazy until he meets a woman. That’s the bottom line. Women drive us crazy but holding out and when they finally give it up, we’re psychotic hounds looking for anywhere to drop a load of baby batter. I have come to the conclusion that all women are crazy, and that includes the ones that I love.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
@Clare, but you can have ugly, stupid, and insane. Meet Rosie O’Donnell
April 16th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
@ Bubby Brister’s Mop
Remind me never to get into a fantasy porn star league with you. I’d be throwing my money away. Do you also do fantasy football research?
April 16th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
I used to bone a Jewish chick and she seemed convinced that it was part of her religion to be a freak. not quite sure how she came up with that one but I wasn’t inclined to delve into any doctrinal debates on the issue.
maybe she was right
April 16th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
I have come to the conclusion that all women are crazy, and that includes the ones that I love.
i feel you on that. it’s all about finding one who’s crazy in a way you can tolerate.
and whose teeth aren’t too fucking close together
April 16th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Chicks who join cults are the best in the sack.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
I think the question is if she’s getting bummed out, or if John D thinks she’s getting bummed out and would like to do something about it. The girl may not be whining, John D might just be a nice guy. That happens to read KSK.
Wait… nevermind.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
@Sage
Don’t forget Ellen De Generes as well.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
Best Marriage Permission conversation topic: how much your fiance/his daughter is worth in livestock. My best friend’s fiance: 3 2 goats, 3 chickens, and a pig. Blessed be your house should you find a woman worth cattle.
And yes, the hot/sane/smart triangle is true. Best case scenario: she’s a 7.5, degree from a major university, and is okay with you having close female friends that she knows you’ve either dated or had sex with. Start moving the sliders in any direction and you start losing things.
As a Jewish Man, I can say this: non-Jewish women, Catholics specifically, are better at sex than Jewish women are. However, Jewish women not only give amazing head, they love doing it, and always swallow. Also, they wax everything religiously.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
So no one else married/got engaged to a Southern girl? If you don’t ask for Daddy’s blessing (and Momma’s too if, like my in-laws, they’re divorced), you have broken the social order and will pay dearly now, and for the rest of your life. GRITS have the cutest little daddy issues.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Jewish women not only give amazing head, they love doing it, and always swallow.
Is that because they don’t like wasting anything?
April 16th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Crazy we may be. At least we’re not assholes.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Jewish women not only give amazing head, they love doing it, and always swallow.
well, I’ve only known one, but she fits this description
and I know that shit could not be kosher
because I am a bacon-eating motherfucker
April 16th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
@ Animal
Nah, man, Fantasy Football isn’t worth putting in that much effort.
As for the great “Was the Proposal good enough?” debate, it’s pretty simple actually. Women have unrealistic expectations about love and romance because from birth they get their pretty little heads filled with nonsense like “The Notebook” and novellas with bodice ripping Fabio on the cover… They want the world on a silver platter…
Meanwhile, men just want to get laid on a consistent basis. So the only question becomes: How much shit will you go through in order to secure that situation for yourself? And therein explains why women complain about proposals and there are so many miserable assholes in the world and why the divorce rate is 55%.
Moral of the story: if you’re going to be a righteous bitch about trivial matters, you better be worth it (ie: give up the butt).
April 16th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
@Slothrop
Southern girls are a dangerous breed. Fun to look at and fun to screw around with but highly flammable.
To use an analogy: Dating a southern belle is like getting a finger in your asshole, at first, it’s cool, but once it goes too far, you’re fucked.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
At least we’re not assholes.
that’s just how we have to act to protect ourselves from you
April 16th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
Looks like I need to get down with some Jews. What should I use as an opener? “Say, baby. I’m all about building some settlements in the West Bank.” Or, “I got the pork you want.” Or, “Girl, I’m gonna have you Menachem Begin for this dick all night long.”
April 16th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
@CVE: there is truth in what you say, but I could offer advice to any and all straight high school boys it would be: go to an SEC school that’s not named Vanderbilt or Mississippi State.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
It’s not a matter of if a girl is crazy, the real question is to what degree. There are some really great girls out there, yet I guarantee each and everyone of them has the crazy in them. Which in turn brings out the asshole in most guys when said craziness surpasses the guy’s threshold of dealing with crazy. Hot and stellar in bed helps increase that threshold, but as stated, the hot/smart/crazy rule dictates the end result.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
@FMRA
Acting as an asshole is our last line of defense. We have to be on our toes to deal with all of your issues. It’s enough to drive us insane.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Let us invoke the Vicky Mendoza Diagonal.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvkTdNbJ3EY
And I’ve found the best way to pick up Jewish Women is saying “Want to see my no-limit American Express?”
Also, if possible, pay with a black credit card. Citi Diamond Preferred will work. She doesn’t need to know your broke ass only has a $5k limit, just that it’s there.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
I once theorized to a (male) friend that the female crazy and the male jackassery form a kind of Hegelian dialectic that is actually necessary to sustain a healthy relationship… i.e. the girl occasionally being demanding is necessary to make the guy do things like “leave the house once in a while” and “shower”, whereas the guy occasionally being a jackass acts to mitigate the demanding tendencies. Too much crazy, and you’ve got a man who’s hopelessly whipped; too much jackass, and you’ve got a girl dating an insensitive clod who makes her feel terrible about herself.
I think the bottom line is that, while relationships can and should be wonderful and freeing, you’re a damn fool to think that mashing your life up with someone else’s isn’t going to involve compromise.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
@slothrop
I highly advise them to check out Georgia. Florida is nice but those Georgia Peaches are a thing of beauty. And danger.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
Hegelian dialectic
I think you just gave ‘Michael’ an orgasm with that one
April 16th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
@FRMA: You’re better with words than I am. Thank you.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
as a dude I think it’s best to know what you want to deal with ahead of time
I’m pretty much stuck on really hot, really smart women. so i know I’m dealing with crazy on a regular basis. over time I’ve come to enjoy it, the drama. I’m sure it’s killing me but I’ve been with too many of the batshit-crazy women to quit now. Lately I’ve been with a chick who’s quite sane and really beautiful (9 on my scale, would be a 10 if she had more ass and her post-natal tits came back). But the crazy’s not there and I just can’t get emotionally involved in the relationship as a result. I actually do not know how to act.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
Males of any animal species are programmed for two things: fighting and fucking. The fighting part is just a means to secure the fucking part. The urge to mate automatically overrides any instinct of self-preservation.
If she’s bat-shit crazy but the sex is mind-blowing, it doesn’t matter- a man’s mind can justify anything in that situation. Hell, you’re born by the pussy, so you may as well die by the pussy.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
@Gino
That’s our motto goddammit now let’s pass out some cigars and beer.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
April 16th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Calling it asking for “permission” or “blessing” to marry is a semantic quibble as the whole process is pro forma, anyway. Tracer Bullet is right about giving some deference to the old man. Regardless of the answer that the father/parents give, a man is still going to ask the daughter to marry him.
John D., take a mental note of all the “romantic” ways that your divorced, unhappily married, and separated friends of you and the fiance got engaged and then follow the advice of the people who told you to focus more on being a great husband instead of a great engagement choreographer.
As for James, VA, I’m not convinced that you aren’t trying to get married to seal the deal sooner. Reread your email. You mention your formerly happy sex life, talk about “hanging out at third forever” and the resignation at having “accepted [no sex].” You basically concede that the entire logic for proposal is holding out the hope that you can get laid sooner. The way I see it, sex is important to you, and rightfully so, and if she can’t articulate an honest reason for saving it until marriage that you are cool with, then it’s time for you to move on. Otherwise, you’re heading down at least another 2 years of resentment and no sex, which isn’t fair to you or the lady.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Just because I’ve never said anything that George Carlin didn’t already say in the 70s doesn’t mean it’s not worth repeating
“[Y]ou’re born by the pussy, so you may as well die by the pussy.”
Hell, yeah, that’s the team I play for!
April 16th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
@CVE, been to Athens many times. Good town. Great town. Defines clutch. Auburn, on the other hand, works the land. They are the land barons of hot southern sorority girls.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Looks are so overrated. A woman with great looks exists to a man only as a trophy. If you like putting your cock in her, she’s good enough. Fuck man, how many different ways can you possibly ejaculate inside a woman? If you find a hot one that leaves you alone enough for you to think, she’s probably gettin’ plowed by someone else anyway. But who gives a shit? You still get to put your dick in right?
/going to hell
April 16th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
@slothrop
Excellent point. The Alabama girls as a whole have a category devoted to themselves. They have issues. I just cannot stay away from Georgia. I love it down there. Georgia is concrete cyanide.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Looks are so overrated.
I’m a visual guy. I like the lights on. I don’t wanna stick my dick in some snaggle-toothed one-eyed broad’s mouth. Man I gotta watch her bearing down on it and the whole time I’m thinking “what if she’s hungry? I hope she’s not hungry…man it looks like Chris Rock is sucking my dick. No thanks.” If her pussy looks all beat to hell, like a pound of roast beef fresh off the slicer, I lose enthusiasm for it pretty quickly, too.
/used to work in a deli
April 16th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
Women are crazy plain and simple. They tend to get hormonal and cut off peckers. Just ask that fucking retard John Bobbitt
April 16th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
You know, this guy could always just do a nice honeymoon.
And assplay and webcam are still gay…for eachother.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
@KD: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, after all, right? I would think it helps to at least be attracted to the girl.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
I’m fascinated by how many of you report that Jewish girls give good head and enjoy doing it. I was one of two Catholic girls in my graduating class among many Jews, and I remember them all as being rather prudish. The other Catholic girl was the only one I knew who had had sex before we graduated.
I knew Joanna Angel was Jewish, but I didn’t know about Nina Hartley (who gave the best advice ever about anal sex, BTW (paraphrased): “You have to seduce the ass. You have to make the ass beg for it.”)
@John Whorfin: Is that a compliment? Don’t worry, I’m plenty crazy. I just hide it really well.
@fmra: OMG, I can’t believe you just worked “Hegelian dialectic” into a Fantasy/Sex Advice Mailbag comment. Gold star.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
The prudish stuff for Jewesses only lasts as long as high school. Once they hit college, they’re off to the races.
Watch a Girls Gone Wild tape some time and look for distinct Jewish features. I’d wager about 1/2 to 3/4 of their “talent” spin the dradel.
Catholicism works in reverse. They’re fuck bunnies in high school and college but as the years go by, they become more and more jaded and inflexible to new ideas. Why do you think Republicans look so pent-up and angry all the time?
April 16th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
I’ll just add my own (only) Jewish girl experience to the pile: she gave terrific head, she swallowed, and she was the one who proposed it (with the laughably rhetorical question “do you enjoy getting head?”) while on a train from Rome to Venice.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Jewish girl was the only girl who ever proposed a titty fuck to me and i have been missing them ever since.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
So you finally propose to her, and now she’s whining that the PROPOSAL wasn’t good enough? Jesus fucking Christ, what are you going to have to do for the wedding? I’m guessing it involves having the ceremony on the wing of an airborne 747, with harp-playing angels fluttering about, a throne of gold for her to sit on so she can start lording it over you for the rest of her life AND an appearance by Elvis who parachutes in and perfectly lands on the wing of a jet going 700mph.
And that’s just the introduction ceremony.
She should be glad you FUCKING PROPOSED. If she “gets disappointed” every time she has to “relive” your proposal, tell her to shut her yap about it. Easily fixed.
Unbelievable. Seriously man, that’d be one giant warning sign for me. Is anything ever going to be good enough? Fuck that noise.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
After reading all this I’m starting to think Alabama has no Jews
April 16th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
Fuck man, how many different ways can you possibly ejaculate inside a woman?
ehhh… 279!
April 16th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
Also, why is everyone saying Silverman? Isn’t that pic Bar Rafaeli?
April 16th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
If I can get serious for just half a sec: Thanks CC for some good advice and to the rest of y’all who chipped in. CC hit the nail on the head -I was worried about whether sex would ever be good again after this current girl. I care for her alot but I think it’s time to chip her off. And you know what? God it’s going to be satisfying…
@Claire: Who made these rules? I want him shot.
Now if I only wasn’t such an asshole and could see past looks as the sole basis of attraction…
April 16th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
Chicks who join cults? I have to admire your dedication, Mr. Tourettsa.
And friends, if you’re fucking a crazy woman, you don’t get to bitch about it. “She’s a drama queen, but she’s so great in the sack!” Suck it up, and for God’s sake don’t get married. This applies to: women who clearly do not want to have sex and are stringing you along because they need someone to fill in the “boyfriend” slot (sorry, man); women who demand gay-ass elaborate proposals/ kneeling/ talking to Daddy nonsense; women who are professional cheerleaders; etc. Hot AND crazy women will leave you sooner ($2K engagement ring) or later ($20K divorce).
P.S. to FTB:
I really do feel bad for you. Two thoughts:
a) Are you asking her for it? Some people find it a turn-on when you said, “oh baby I want you so bad.” (paraphrasing) I’m sure you’ve already thought of this, but just in case you hadn’t…
b) How’s the postpartum depression thing going?
[This seems like an incredibly bad idea, but I'm offering anyway: if you think I could help, shoot me an email.]
April 16th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
I can’t believe no one has yet created a Hotness/Behavior matrix, as it were, because this “how much shit should I have to put up with to have a hot piece of ass” question seems to come up a lot. Standard Scale of Hotness along the bottom, various negative behaviors (clingy, whiny, constant phone calls, etc.) along the side. Choose the hotness rating (say, a 7), then the negative behavior (ie, nagging), follow the lines, where they intersect is how long you should put up with the nagging to get the ass. I assume for most men, the hotter the ass, the longer you put up with the bullshit.
Personally, I think it’s a mistake to put up with much bullshit at all no matter how hot the ass is, but I don’t have a penis, so I could be wrong about that.
RE Sanchez: “I care for her alot but I think it’s time to chip her off. And you know what? God it’s going to be satisfying…” And women are the crazy ones? Right. You care for her “alot” but she’s such an insufferable cunt that you can’t wait to dump her hot, annoying ass and look forward to (I assume) the look of shock/hurt/anger/? on her face when you tell her.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
@Slash: That doesn’t make me crazy, it makes me a prick.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
Once again, gotta agree with pretty much everything Mamacita says here. Listening to men bitch about the hot, crazy bitches they’re fucking is like listening to people with giant SUVs bitch about their shitty gas mileage. Dump her or STFU.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
show me a hot woman ill show you a guy tired of fucking her/putting up with her shit
April 16th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
RE Sanchez Says:
“@Slash: That doesn’t make me crazy, it makes me a prick.”
Uh-huh, if you say so. My theory is that many men prefer the high-maintenance drama queens because it gives them (the men) an excuse to treat them (the women) like shit. Plus, they get to whine to all their friends about what a pain in the ass she is, so he gets to bang a hottie and complain about it at the same time. I don’t know what the word for that guy is, but “prick” doesn’t seem to cover it.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
“Southern girls are a dangerous breed.”
Bless your little heart, CVE.
Anyway, so this proposal thing. My first thought was my god, we (girls) are so ridiculous. I’ve now been there done that and what he did and didn’t do in the proposal was seriously the LEAST of issues. But I know at the time it seems like the most important thing in the ENTIRE WORLD because of what your girlfriends will think and you hope it’s the only time that will ever happen and you want it to be “special”. I understand where she and other girls are coming from, but I just want to yell out at womankind “it’s not the size of the ring or the way he gives it to you, it’s where you find yourself five years later!”
Moving on, I’ll never judge or offer advice to someone about staying in a relationship with an unpleasant person because the sex is phenomenal. Dude, sometimes it’s just worth it. Hey here’s an analogy…I love me some tequila. I KNOW how bad it’s going to fuck me up. But I still do it…over and over again. Because, like good sex, it’s worth it.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
@Slash: You want some salt for that chip on you shoulder?
You’ve clearly got us guys all worked out don’t you? ‘Gives them an excuse to treat them like shit’? My girl gets treated like a princess, but unfortunately, she acts like one too. What, just because she’s hot and good in bed I should put up with all her incessant neediness? Fuck that.
Ofcourse men would much rather have a pretty, hot, caring girl who wasn’t a headfuck… but then women probably feel the same way; a handsome, well toned, caring guy who isn’t an asshole. We should apologise for that??
April 16th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
@Nikki: You sum up the dilema perfectly! +1
April 16th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
After reading all this I’m starting to think Alabama has no Jews
Pretty sure they outlawed them back in ought-six.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
And people are still asking fathers for their permission to marry their daughters? Seriously? No. Seriously?
Fuck that noise. Unless you’re popping the question in Amish country, that’s just pathetic.
April 16th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
RE Sanchez Says:
“My girl gets treated like a princess, but unfortunately, she acts like one too. What, just because she’s hot and good in bed I should put up with all her incessant neediness? Fuck that. Ofcourse men would much rather have a pretty, hot, caring girl who wasn’t a headfuck… but then women probably feel the same way; a handsome, well toned, caring guy who isn’t an asshole. We should apologise for that??”
Dude, you’re kinda digging a hole here. She gets “treated like a princess” and “she acts like one TOO.” Are you really not seeing the connection there, how you’re culpable in this “princess” behavior? I wasn’t suggesting you put up with anything. I was saying that if you decide to put up with it, stop bitching about it. Really not that difficult to understand. I’d say the same thing to some other chick griping about how her hot boyfriend treats her like shit. Dump the motherfucker already or shut up about him. When people complain about things that they can really very easily remedy, it’s annoying. And it certainly doesn’t inspire sympathy. I bet you two are really fun at parties.
Also, “chip on your shoulder” is old and busted. I believe the hot, new phrase is “sandy vagina.”
April 16th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
@Slash: Which is exactly where you missed the problem. I LIKE the girl. It’s not as easy as ‘bored now, goodbye’. I would have thought writing into the fantasy mailbag would have made that blindingly obvious. I mean, come on, if guys whining about their girls annoys you, wtf are you doing reading this post?
FaMaBaFlaWa?
April 16th, 2009 at 7:33 pm
RE Sanchez Says:
“I LIKE the girl. It’s not as easy as ‘bored now, goodbye’. I would have thought writing into the fantasy mailbag would have made that blindingly obvious. I mean, come on, if guys whining about their girls annoys you, wtf are you doing reading this post?”
Um, so she’s hot, she’s annoying but you LIKE her, what is your problem, exactly? Seriously. You sound like much more of a nutjob than she does. I’m almost feeling sorry for her at this point. And I hate high-maintenance bitches. Should you dump her? Is that really the kind of question a bunch of anonymous strangers can answer? Or are you basically just bragging under the guise of seeking advice: “Oh, hey, guys, my insanely hot girlfriend is really annoying. The sex is phenomenal, but I don’t know how much more of her I can take. Please help.” Just sayin’, man.
April 16th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
To the last guy (Sanchez)
First, if you aren’t mentally quick enough to decide which player available has the highest value, just look at what everyone else is doing. If other people are taking RB’s, snatch up the WR’s, and vice versa. And my advice is to NEVER take a QB until as late as possible. I mean, just before you feel like other people are going to start taking their backup QB’s. In most leagues, unless you have one of the top 2 or 3 QB’s, it doesn’t matter, since the difference between the #4 and #10 QB’s is usually pretty negligible when compared to the difference between top tier RB/WR and the lower tiers.
Second, re: the girl, if she’s hot and you are at the point of breaking up with her because you can’t take her princess behavior any more, then don’t. Make it clear that you aren’t taking it any more. She will either break up with you (essentially the same result anyway) or she will give in (giving you a hot girl who is now your bitch).
April 16th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
Sanchez, we came for the busted hemorrhoids, and we stayed for the fag with the webcam. Your question doesn’t really require an answer, does it? Like Caveman said, you’ll put up with her as long as you can, then you’ll end it.
April 16th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
@Slash: I was looking for advice whilst trying to introduce a little humor. But hey, you’ve torn that apart nicely. Congrats.
April 16th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
@MiniDitka: Thanks on both accounts. I like the idea of doing the opposite of what others are doing and snagging top WRs etc. Makes a lot of sense.
April 16th, 2009 at 7:46 pm
@MiniDitka – I’ve never heard that theory on drafting a QB, but I kinda like it. You say there’s not a big difference between the #4 and the #10 ranking QBs, however, what do you suggest in a larger league? Mine had 16 teams last year. I took my first QB in the 3rd round and a second in the 7th. Oddly enough the first was a mistake and the second paid off big time. Looking back on it, I know I should have picked the best available wideout on the board with the 3rd round pick, cause I ended up stacked at RB. But anyway, in a league that size…how long would you wait to pick a QB?
April 16th, 2009 at 7:55 pm
@Nikki – I’ve never done a league that large. I would say still wait to draft a QB, but set yourself a cutoff for “I’m going to pick a QB before these guys are gone” so that you don’t end up with a total POS. Maybe it’s Orton, Delhomme, Cassel, who knows. Whatever you think you can live with. Either that or draft two good backups instead of one starter and alternate them based on matchups.
April 16th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
Yes, wait as late as possible to grab a QB, and go against the grain in the early rounds.
The last two years, I waited until the tenth round to take a QB and still got decent values. Even then, I was able to pick up QBs off waivers a couple weeks into the season — Kurt Warner last year, Derek Anderson the year before — and both wound up being in my league’s top five.
April 16th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
I heard it’s not the size of the league that matters, but the girth is what really counts.
April 16th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
@MiniDitka – thanks so much, QB has always been the position that has stressed me out the most while preparing for a draft (needlessly so). I am willing to live with a lot less in a QB if it means I have better RBs and WRs. And I kinda proved your theory to myself with my 7th round pick (Aaron Rodgers) last season.
@Farthammer – neither of those matter as long as you know how to manage it properly and with skill.
April 16th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
And people are still asking fathers for their permission to marry their daughters? Seriously? No. Seriously?
I asked for a blessing because I knew that my girl would like the old-fashioned, Southern gentleman element. I also asked her mom. What no one expected, least of all the future Ms. Slothrop, what that her dad would give me reasons NOT to marry his daughter. E.g., ‘You know she can be difficult and hard-headed, right?’ which was quite the kick in the junk. Not that he was wrong, but it was a trifle unexpected given the moment. She’s still sore about that.
April 16th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
@ James; Waiting three years, with another 2 years before to go before sex is fucking insane. Either this chick is very indifferent towards sex, or, she’s just stringing you along, probably won’t ever have sex with you, and has a booty call/masturbation problem. Get her really hot, then go down on her. Do a good job, and she’ll be begging you to put it in her. That’s when you say, OK, and the streak ends.
@ Webcam guy: If you aren’t gay, then at least be gay for pay.
LOL @ the 49 er’s QB situation. From a franchise that had Montana and Young (and to a much lesser extent, pro bowler Jeff Garcia), I have crocodile tears for them.
.
April 16th, 2009 at 9:22 pm
The Jews work in reverse to the Catholics. They’ll hold on to that V-Card as long as possible, but once it’s gone it’s like a damn burst, flooding the immediate area with sex. Also worth noting: most of the Jewish girls I know drink heavily and can’t hold their liquor for shit. Also, Jew boobs are awesome. The fake ones are almost as good as the real ones, since they’re usually super expensive.
Men and women have very different lifestyles, in terms of cleanliness. Every girl I’ve ever met has a horrendously messy room/apartment. It’s almost like it’s in a permanent state of disaster. Most guys, on the other hand, are not nearly the slobs we are portrayed to be. However, our shower threshold (the line above which you catch a whiff of yourself and go “Crap, I gotta shower”) is significantly higher.
Southern women are the epitome of the Hot/Sane/Smart scale. They don’t even have to be in the SEC. That accent is just devastating, and can make up for a lot.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
RE Sanchez Says:
“@Slash: I was looking for advice whilst trying to introduce a little humor. But hey, you’ve torn that apart nicely. Congrats.”
Thanks. I obviously didn’t get the humor, though.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:41 pm
So I’m way too late to actually weigh in on any of this, but I guess I will for the sake of reading my own words.
The guy who’s girl is waiting for marriage: you kind of have two possibilities but there’s kind of no way to tell which one she’ll be. She could be a girl who loses it and is suddenly addicted, or she could say “eh” and you’re stuck not getting laid more than once a month if you’re lucky for the rest of your marriage. Coming from a virgin, it might sound weird, but I think waiting for marriage is BS (no offense to anyone who did/is). Why would you wanna fuck just one person your whole life?
April 17th, 2009 at 12:55 am
fuck! the fucking guy that jerks off on a webcam with other dudes watching is a fucking ravens fan????!!?!?! shoot me now.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:21 am
@Slothrop
You of course responded to her father by saying, “Yeah, I know, but the thing is sir, your daughter fucks like a champ.” Right?
April 17th, 2009 at 2:04 am
I discussed the hot/smart/sane theory with the girlfriend and we agreed it should be restated: Hot, smart, or sane. At best, pick two. You can’t have all three.
To be fair, the theory holds the same with both men and women.
Interesting side note: The girlfriend was least concerned about being considered sane. What does that portend?
April 17th, 2009 at 4:33 am
Interesting side note: The girlfriend was least concerned about being considered sane. What does that portend?
She’ll have no qualms about eating a gallon of Cherry Garcia after she has a bad day at work?
Eh. Between having a nicely proportioned woman blow up like Jessica Simpson after an all night bender at Del Taco and a thin bi-polar uber-bitch who’ll snap at you one minute and give you road head the next, I’ll take Senorita Jessica.
In other words, you have a keeper.
April 17th, 2009 at 4:34 am
Damn, I hate when I leave my tags open.
April 17th, 2009 at 8:26 am
@Nikki
Southern belles ARE a dangerous breed. I stand by my statement. Although I enjoyed my time in the south, the women and their issues were quite complicated. I’m not saying I don’t love em but still, the crazy theory is an umbrella that covers all women.
April 17th, 2009 at 8:47 am
@ All of you discussing Southern Belles – as an SEC school grad, most of you hit the nail right on the head.
Of course, what did I do? Married a girl from Jersey.
April 17th, 2009 at 8:48 am
Sidestepping the various issues about marriage and surprise anal fingering and jerking off for guys, I did not know Daphne Rosen was Jewish. That’s the single fact I’m obligated to learn by the laws of the state, and now back to revision, which will be fruitless because I only really have the capacity to remember one thing a day. I don’t thunk so good no more.
April 17th, 2009 at 9:18 am
@FTBS
Ah yes, Jersey girls have their own separate category waaayyyyyy over there.
All the ladies here in Philly do not mesh well with the Jersey girls. Lots of hair involved in those kitty fights.
April 17th, 2009 at 9:46 am
Lofty hair. True hair.
Well, pretty damn lofty, at least.
April 17th, 2009 at 9:48 am
fuck! the fucking guy that jerks off on a webcam with other dudes watching is a fucking ravens fan????!!?!?! shoot me now.
Rumor has it he spanks it to Flacco…Fucking Ratbirds
April 17th, 2009 at 10:08 am
@Slothrop: You too? I got warned as well. Fuck me for not listening.
April 17th, 2009 at 11:04 am
You are an idiot if you are sacrificing mental health and long-term happiness for physical beauty.
Just spend time becoming emotionally self-sufficient (i.e. confidence), making more money, and not being a total douche. Good things come to you. As a wise man once said:
“Your ass backwards if you chase hoes, chase the cheese they come with the shit.” – koolaid maroney
God, I love being single and working for myself. :)
April 17th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
@FMRA: “go live in the goddamn desert with a turtle and a shotgun for friends”
*starts slow clap*
@CC: “And in the bedroom is where you spelled out “I love you” in rose petals, and she’ll see it and turn around, and there you are on one knee, with the ring, ready with an apology and an appropriate proposal.”
*stops slow clap*
**vomits**
April 17th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
>-Bobby W.
“…the Internet eliminates the thrill of romantic conquest”
WHAT? Listen, the thrill of a woman raising her hips so you can slip her panties off is the thrill of all thrills, it trumps any other thrill, in fact, there is only one real thirll, and that is it.
>-Sanchez
Did you try to give her a Dirty Sanchez? If she takes that, it ratchets up the amount of pain you can put up with because you will always have that knowledge. Otherwise, as the saying goes, “no matter how hot a woman is, there is a poor bastard somewhere that is tired of putting up with her shit.”
April 17th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
@slothrop
Any Southern school will do, really. But you’re right about Vandy. I know a dozen grads of that school, and none of them is right in the head.
April 17th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Don’t marry a virgin. That shit is totally overated. My fiance married a virgin, because he was raised to think he had too, and she just got weirder every day. i think it should be listed as an obsessive compulsive disorder. I on the other hand slept around a little, OK more than a little, in high school, kept myself normal, not a freaking fortress. My fiance is currently the happiest man on earth. No one denies this!