Was that YOUR strain of the swine flu you were eying with desirous glances? NOT ANYMORE. It now courses through my veins! Consider yourself snookered! Another round of head-sized vodkas, barkeep!
Masterful gamesmanship by myself, if I may say so. After all, everyone was talking up swine flu in the days leading up to the draft. It was on everybody’s lips. Can’t argue with that. Sure, it has its detractors. It’s fatal, viral and Mexican. But it’s got major upside. Gonna be a real gamechanger, and much more versatile than McDaniels’ SUPERAIDS. I wasn’t fooled for a minute that any alarmist rhetoric somehow dissuaded you from being interested in contracting it. If ever there was a keen judge of motivations, it’s me.
Oh, you wish for me to seek treatment, do you? I see right through your smokescreen. Clear up my swine flu so you can keep it all for yourself. I didn’t get to be an NFL head coach because of my good looks. It took the mind of a brilliant tactician coupled with the iron will of [urp] oh God.
No, no, I’m gravy. Probably the head is a little dizzy BECAUSE OF THE AMAZING COUP I JUST PULLED! There swine flu was, ready to drop into your outstretched arms and WHOOSH, I snatched it from you like a thief in the night. That’s gotta be embarrassing. No wonder you’re licking your wounds with this whole “dire medical emergency” business.
“Your skin turning a sickly shade.” Yeah, okkkkkkay. Typical, buddy. I got what you wanted and suddenly the personal attacks come out. Let’s try to be pros about this. I, uh, whoa man.
Hey. I’ll be damned.
You know what? This thing just up and killed me. Right like that. All sudden-like. Now that’s some great value for a no. 1 pick. I bet your guy won’t even start killing you until his third year. I win at life. Or did.
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It’s dumbshits like Bachman, Glen Beck, and Sarah Palin, that made me switch from Republican to Libertarian.
To Minnesota’s Fightin’ 6th District:
If you see Michelle Bachmann, tell her “I find it interesting that it was back in the 1980s that AIDS broke out under Republican president Ronald Reagan. And I’m not blaming this on President Reagan, I just think it’s an interesting coincidence.”
That’ll send her into a black-out, Muslim-cursing, Bible-misquoting rage. If we’re lucky, she’ll choke on her own tongue. The Fucking Loon is, after all Minnesota’s State Bird.
Points taken, Minnesotans.
You also elected Keith Ellison, the Muslim rep who made Glenn Beck piss himself in fear. I know that’s a hair trigger these days, sort of like the jizz-in-my-pants guys, but it’s just as hilarious every time.
Actually, the comedy value of Bachmann is pretty good. I just hope they have a camera on her when she swallows her own tongue.
I’m trying not to judge you, Minnesota. But when you send mouthbreathing morons like this to Congress, it’s really hard not to.
You forget we elected Al Franken as well (but thanks to the globs lawyer money Coleman has, he’s still here). Think Stuart Smalley can pep up our economy because he’s good enough, and gosh darn it people like him?
As for Chilly, please dispose and bring back Tice. At least with the love boat and ticket scalping things were exciting (minus Purple Jesus of course).
Don’t blame MN, blame a majority of voters in MN’s 6th District.
And Bachmann craziness and swine flu come together!
“I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out then under another Democrat president Jimmy Carter. And I’m not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it’s an interesting coincidence.”
Leave aside the tinfoil hat conspiracy here — and seriously, this fucking loon is about a week away from screaming “IT’S IN REVELATIONS, PEOPLE!” and running to the hills — the last swine flu epidemic came in 1976, which means it didn’t come out under “Democrat president Jimmy Carter” but under “Republic president Gerald Ford.”
I’m trying not to judge you, Minnesota. But when you send mouthbreathing morons like this to Congress, it’s really hard not to.
The real Brad Childress would’ve incorporated a fantasy football killing Chester Taylor goal line carry and an idiotic replay challenge into the mix, but kudos nonetheless.
Florio would’ve traded up to a second paragraph, at least.
Chilly’s dead? Don’t tease me, Ape.
Still can’t get over his resemblance to Tobias Funke.
“Okay, who’d like a banger in the mouth?”
Viking’s “kick ass offense” next year.
Peterson sits on the bench while Harvin runs up the gut until he breaks.
We should have seen the Vikings offensive ineptness coming. It’s not like he called the plays in Philly…and I’m sure Shamu Reid boxed him out on the buffet line too. He’s talking smack like the Vikings traded up two spots by giving the Jets a pass rusher or something.
/trims goatee so it doesn’t resemble the “Vag Goatee”
@ Otto
Spiderpig vs. Manbearpig, WHO YA GOT?
Chilly was the running joke in our office all morning for that article, glad you guys decided to run with it.
Ah, Belichick. Let us continue our game of Cat and Also Cat.
13-3??? Wow. Are they playing the Raiders 12 times?
I found my senses and got out before she took office.
That’s a wise move. She’s so fucking crazy that it’s only a matter of time before she calls in a nuclear strike on the district in order to wipe out the Islamofascist plot to poison the strategic cornflake reserve.
@X-Mas Ape: I knew there had to be a mix-up or something, unless you were trying a reverse jinx to scare BDD
The Vikings had the draft pick before the Patriots and they used that pick to choose a player before the Patriots could choose him. Well done, Coach.
@Otto Man: I don’t live in Bachmann’s district; I found my senses and got out before she took office.
The important question is, how close to alcohol poisoning will the Vikings take Drew this year?
/proper grammar? fuck it.
No idea, SOTD.
But you folks keep electing Bachmann, so unless it’s some elaborate Kaufmannesque practical joke, you have no one but yourselves to blame. Thanks for all her comedy, though. She’s pure distilled batshit crazy.
What has the state of MN done to deserve people like Childress, McHale, Brewster, and Bachmann?
Sure, cross-contamination of the gene pool gave us swine flu. But it also gave us Spiderpig.
I say we call it even.
I get it now…..the first step was to recreate the Eagles’ west-coast offense – minus the offense. Now, we are ready to assemble Patriots-quality championship personnel – minus the quality. And the championships. Can’t you see it people? Are you that dense?
Thanks, Brad!
All of New England
The side effects of swine flu are baldness and poor gametime decisions.
miamidiesel: I used the wrong Drew homerism tag. Fixed now.
I had forgotten about SuperAids. I am glad to have it back in my life. Also, I don’t think I could ever see the word Whoosh typed out again without thinking of Peter King’s bathroom antics.
God, I hate this fucker.
/self-loathing Vikings fan
yes i know the vikings are going 13-3 this year
Funniest shit I’ve read all day. Seriously, I was in disbelief when the Giants’ backups lost to the Vikings in Week 17 after watching what a piss-poor coach Childress is. Childress is more likely to find Florio’s third paragraph than win 13 games.
I prefer the term prison pussy over vag goatee
That should look great on his resume when he’s looking for his next coaching job. He should put it right next to “Made Tavaris Jackson an NFL caliber QB.”
Laugh now. But the new and improved Vag Goatee Chilly shall prove you all wrong!
13-3? What kind of Kool Aid has Drew been feeding you Ape?
/3-13 more like it
Fuckin’. Genius.