This is Ted Leonsis. He is the owner of a professional hoc-key (sp?) team and a Greek, two solid giveaways that you should never pay credence to anything that slinks out of his fat tabbouleh hole. Yet here we are getting pissy about some obtuse nonsense he spouted on his blog. Such is the gaping void of suck that is the NFL offseason.

The team he owns is the Washington Capitals, a franchise that had no fans prior to having the NHL’s MVP on its roster and will have none once again after it endures another losing season. (RAWK THE RED!) Ted also helped spur AOL to financial success (when it had success and lots of discs to mail you), bankrolls movies and blog networks and other entrepreneurial shit. This makes him a Winner in the Game of Life.

Beyond that, Leonsis is a Pronouncer of Epochs. Only he, as an elite flier, can bookmark the partitions between the great shifts in cultural thinking. I hope you have enjoyed The Era of Snarky Feelings because Ted, in a premise he was daring enough to steal from David Denby, has pronounced snark to be dead. Kaput. Subject to necrobestiality fetishists.

Snark is dead. The era of snideness and rudeness is over. I am calling the bottom.

Ovechkin only likes being a top anyway.

Incidentally, if, like me, you happen to be a glutton for punishment and listened to Simmons podcast with Rick Reilly, you heard Simmons invoke 9/11 as a time when he thought we would forever become a kinder and more sincere people. If I wasn’t so snark-ravin’ mad (feel free to use, Reilly) I’d transcribe the whole thing to 9-11 Happened to Me!, a wonderful site “devoted to compiling the most inane, alarmist, reactionary and Irony Is Dead comments everyone said — and I mean everyone — in the days after September 11.”

Here is how I see it. Can you name me one business based on snarkiness that has been successful? Can you name me one person that you know that is snarky and rude that is happy? Has great relationships? Has life success? Can you name me one blogger that is relentless in his snideness that is successful with readers and advertisers? How about one anonymous negative message board poster that is self actualized; takes initiative; and is a winner? I know why. It is because snark is so 2004, so pre the new reality.

Let’s see – there’s damn near everyone in the entertainment world interested in being funny. They’ve garnered some financial and personal success from this whole snark thing. The Gawker business model seems to have netted Nick Denton a few shiny dimes from his sweat-snark shop, while many of the individual bloggers are living comfortably doing what they do. Granted, it’s not Nanking financier money, but it’s livable nonetheless.

The era of Snark is over. It was all tangled up in an era of empty financial success calories where you were either in or out with the mainstream media and it was easy to be snarky sort of like a comedian that drops F bombs and curse words in a stand-up act to be considered hip and funny. Snark is for the intellectually lazy.

So it was snark that sunk Wall Street? At least that’s what you seem to be implying. And here I thought it was self-serious asshole millionaires who did it. Why search out CEO homes when we could be lynching Louis C.K.?

As for the statement that sarcasm is for the intellectually lazy, sure, there’s some truth to that. But it’s certainly no less lazy and naive than some Greg Kinnear in Little Miss Sunshine-esque rant about behaviors that aren’t indicative of “winners”.

It is hard to find the upside in downside thinking and activity, isn’t it?

Quite the linguistic flourish.

Snark, the animal species in Lewis Carroll’s The Hunting of the Snark are not positive role models. Snark is dead. Bury it and move on. We are all in this together. Onward.

Similarly, a douche, a device used in vaginal irrigation, is not a positive role model either.

And, sure, we will all hold an earnest funereal ceremony (pyre or Viking funeral – TBD) for snark and irony and dick jokes, where we will forever put away childish things and set out into the world, renewed with purpose and enterprise and with jagged sticks jammed 18 inches into our rectums. Then we will be Winners. And having won, we’ll look for some other benign slice of humanity to decry.