Say, buddy! Long time, no see. Last time I saw you it was — what? The football playoffs? Funny how we only bump into each other during major sporting events. And here you are, still driving a vehicle made for limp-wristed little bitches. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. A truck like that is perfect for a bleeding gash like you.
I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be so dismissive. Don’t cry. You gonna cry? Gonna cry, little girl? No?
You sure?
Anyway, I’m over that whole truck-wars thing. I hardly have the time to be condescending about how weak you are for buying a truck that provides you simple comforts and additional safety features. I’m more focused on my new SUV-wagon crossover. Check it out:
That’s right, I’m a family man now. I’ve got a softer side. A softer side that wears v-neck sweaters. A softer side that covers but doesn’t quite conceal the hard side of my well-muscled neck and shoulders. Heck, you and I might even get along! If you didn’t piss your pants so much.
One thing hasn’t changed, though: my Chevrolet product totally kicks ass, and your faggoty excuse for transportation is barely worth my scorn.
Seriously? The fucking Honda Pilot? Why don’t you just buy a station wagon, for Christ’s sake? And then go suck some anonymous truck stop cock, because that’s clearly what you really want to do.
Frankly, I was shocked to learn you got the Pilot. A pussy little V-6 truck with shitty gas mileage, man-step, and heated steering wheel? Sure. That’s you. But a family vehicle? No way. I never figured you for the family type.
Of course, you realize those kids are mine, right? Hey, your wife needed someone with a big, hard, virile dick. And I wasn’t about to wear a condom. Condoms are for queers like you. If you could get an erection. But thanks for raising the little bastards. Saves me a ton of trouble, even if you’re giving them inadequate childhoods by driving them around in a crossover that has entirely enough trunk space but not as much as the new CHEVY TRAVERSE.
Y’know, I would’ve been a better dad to my kids that you raised if I hadn’t been so busy doing manly shit, like playing pro football and filling sand bags and doing construction work and nailing your wife. I’m great with kids. Aren’t I, little girl?
Little Girl: I’m not a little girl. I’m a BIG girl!
Howie: SHUT UP SLUT! You’re lucky your mom fucks as well as she does, otherwise your ugly ginger mug would be learning to turn tricks in the discard pile of central casting.
Ugh, this job was easier when it was all about how much of a pussy you are.
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Howie Long, you can pull up on a 18″ tall tricycle, painted hot pink with fruity little tassles on the handles bars, call me a fucking fairy faggot and still pull it off. You’re clearly a far-superior male specimen, even if you get routinely overshadowed by a bald-headed pale orangutan with down syndrome every autumn Sunday.
Now, can you bring in Teri Hatcher to blather incoherently for twenty minutes while stand there and nod politely? Thanks.
All Michael in Berkeley is really looking for is the “awful rapey” tag.
But seriously, I don’t understand the motivation to make fun of an already exploited child.
Totally joking.
I can’t even afford the $100 it would cost to park a car every month.
The fucking Honda Pilot? Why don’t you just buy a station wagon, for Christ’s sake?
Because that fucking Honda Pilot doesn’t cost $18,000 in fucking tax payer subsidies to make.
Sorry, couldn’t resist. Fucking bullshit bailouts.
Somewhere Brian Bosworth is in his garage with a cross-dressing ginger midget pretending to film manly motorcycle commercials.
This post made Rob Halford’s nipples hard enough to cut FUCKING DIAMONDS.
Yeah, Ginger kid is a slut.
That being said, I was REALLY expecting a “Howie is a Pedophile” joke… shame on me.
Michael In Berkeley… …you shittin’ me? Howie Long needs to go ape shit on your ass. Oh yes.. i see… you just forgot to say April Fools.
Dear Michael in Berkeley,
Shut up.
Hugs and Kisses,
Everybody
I forgot to add that I don’t think it’s particularly appropriate (even for this site, deep in the bowels of the internet) to say such terrible things about a specific child. Regardless of your opinion of red hair, to call a child in a television advertisement a “slut” is really an egregiously low thing to do. Would you call her that in person with her parents present? I doubt it.
I live in Berkeley, CA and drive a 2002 Toyota Sequoia. While yes, I need the V-8 and 4×4 capabilities while spending every college weekend in Lake Tahoe, I’d say the pleasure of often being the only non-Prius in sight is what makes the 19mpg (city!) so tolerable.
Rest assured both that I am very manly and that all the M-series SUV-driving Cal sorority chicks get wet when they see my 6″ suspension lift and swampers.
I believe that kid was the original inspiration for the “Vomit Valerie” garbage pail kid trading card.
Chevrolet will be producing all of their man-mobiles from bankruptcy pretty soon. I guess the only Howie they’ll be able to afford for these ads will be Howie Mandel.
“your ugly ginger mug would be learning to turn tricks in the discard pile of central casting.”
Now that was hilarious.
+1 Otto
bitch looks like a living cabbage patch kid
strap her ass to the roof rack and stuff the luggage in the back seat
I think the redheaded kid is cute, and she’s probably already smarter than Howie. No, I don’t have red hair.
In Dallas, at least half the people driving giant SUVs are women, so I’m not sure where people get the idea that they’re for manly men. They appear to be mostly for soccer moms and sorority chicks who spend more drive time yapping into their cell phones than actually watching where their giant vehicle is going: “Yeah… uh huh… yeah…” (thud as SUV drives over a Mini Cooper) “Damn! No, sorry, not you, I just spilled coffee all over my lap… yeah… uh-huh….” (another thud as she mows down a school crossing guard) “Shit!… they really need to fix this street, it’s so bumpy… so, what were you saying? Uh-huh… yeah… right…”
just consider that my entry to the html special olympics…
speaking of compensation cars, what would howie have to say about Link mine?
Fuck, gingers are the absolute worst. Ugliest kids ever.
Howie Long’s urine cures homosexuality.
At least, that’s what he tells the guys he brings home.
Howie Long’s urine cures homosexuality.
Holy shit. The fucking chevy traverse is an SUV for high school sluts, much like the X-Terra.
Chevy Avalanche is the the only MANmobile that Chevrolet produces(in the fine print of the purchase contract it clearly states that the Avalanche is “not for use by homosexuals”)
Howie Long is a fucking champ!!!
Why doesn’t someone just turn around and be like, “Oh hi, HOWIE. Nice big, manly name you got there, HOWIE. Got any more advice on how to be a grown man, HOWIE?”
I thought Howie Long sweats distilled Drakkar Noir cologne?
Howie’s son, Kyle, is a left-handed pitcher, so it’s likely Howie’s also left-handed (also, I think high exposure to testosterone during pregnancy increases the likelihood that a baby will be left-handed, and we all know HOWIE LONG FUCKING SWEATS PURE TESTOSTERONE).
Howie Long drives a Prius
/true story
I saw someone using the “Man-Step” on an F-150 the other day and I just could hear Howie Long’s voice in my head saying how much of a pussy that guy was and how if his wife wasn’t such a fat cow, he’d go nail her in front of him, his kids, their parents and the cast of Fire Down Below.
Or was that me saying that? I can’t remember now….The point was Howie Long is clearly tying his masculinity to GM’s products — which in these days is the manliest thing you can do.
and don’t you dare call me a traversite, either, you little cocknuzzler.
I’m with Clare, that eyesore of a child is on TV way too much. When did it become acceptable to use the ugliest child humanly possible in an attempt to be cute?
Hopefully Wagoner was fired as a result of dumb shit like this…and, you know, general ineptitude.
Howie Long defines gay porn.
Howie doesn’t jack it. He fucks his truck’s tailpipe while watching gay porn.
Heyy…. I fucked that guy in the ass last week!
in the ginger kid commercial she definitely points at howie’s cock and says “that’s for big girls.”
true story
I want to punch that kid in the face. I realize she’s just reading what the ad copywriter wrote for her (DREW) but could they have hired a kid whose line readings are not COMPLETELY INSUFFERABLE?
p.s. She also makes a bratty appearance in a HGTV ad, putting barrettes and hair clips in her old man’s thinning hair.
@SL22 – He’s probably a lefty. Although his is probably so manly that he likes jackin it with the crystals.
YOUR PULL-OUT CARGO STEP IS WOEFULLY INADEQUATE.
btw, does this site look fucked up or is it just my computer?
You’re on top of the world soon-to-be-fat ginger kid.
That ginger is the proverbial red-headed step child.
Who the hell wears a watch on their right wrist? Guess he really likes the feeling of rubbing up against Swarovski crystals when he jacks it.
Yes, I certainly had to look up that spelling.
I have to agree with Otto. That kid is Erc Stoltz’s from mask and the fatty Pittsburgh fan with the yellow Tshirt.
Let the Canyonero jokes begin….
Kill! Kill! Kill!
1. Howie Long’s ultra-macho posturing is starting to make me think he’s a self-hating homosexual.
2. That redhead girl is clearly the daughter of Eric Stoltz’s character from “Mask”
Hahahaha GM amazes me still – thinking a fucking ad like this with a ginger is actually going to entice people to buy their cars. Why didn’t Howie say this:
“Oh you’re a big girl? Well I’m gonna treat you like the big girl you are, now get in the back of the truck with 40 square feet of space and get ready to feel what it’s like to be a big girl.”