God Analyzes Your 2009 NFL Schedule
We’ve been a bit derelict in addressing the Tuesday evening release of the NFL schedule. But fear not, for we asked God, our weekly game analyst during the season, to sit down with us and talk about some of his plans for this season’s matchups. Take it away. God.
People are looking for someone to blame in the whole economic collapse. They want to blame the bankers. They want to blame the insurers. They want to blame homeowners. Well kids, you are looking in the wrong direction. Want someone to blame for this whole economic shortage? Look up.
Because I just owned your shit.
You little shits. Thought your lives were just so comfortable now, didn’t you? Well, that’s just when God likes to step in and give you a cold, hard fucking slap of reality. Oooh, ooh! Where did all our trillions go? They just disappeared overnight! How could that have happened?
I’ll tell you how it happened: Because God takes what he wants, when he wants to. And if you don’t like it, you can drown.
The fact is, I’ve been losing at the unicorn track a bit lately. I plunked a cool trillion on Mia Sara at 45:1 odds a few months back. And that little BITCH ended up wandering off the track to go cry on a dying orphan. Unbelievable. How does a unicorn named Mia Sara lose? Christ my kid, I’ve been dying to nail that chick for 20 years. You know how I’d nail Mia Sara? I’d put her in that tight little fringe jacket she wore, and nothing else. Then I’d bend her over a cloud and make some fucking THUNDER.
Me damn.
So you want to know where all the money went, gang? There’s your answer. You lost because Tom Smith can’t train unicorns for SHIT. I should have had that stupid pony doped up with Pegasus blood. Never fails. And don’t come bitching to me about losing your job, or your house. I don’t wanna hear it. My ungrateful little shit of a kid just threw a $20 trillion Resurrection Party, and I had to front it. Hey kid, you get a birthday party every year. I don’t see why I have to cough up for your fucking rebirthday party too. AND you had a deathday party on Friday! Little prick.
So don’t bitch to me. God’s got problems of his own. And if you don’t like it, just wait until I take away all your water. Don’t think it’ll happen? Oh, it’s gonna happen. O YOU GON NOT DRANK. Bear Bryant taught me all about how depriving people of water motivates them. Well, get ready to get really fucking motivated, you little peons.
Anyway, the schedule. Yeah, I made it. Think your team has a rough go of it next year? Well, tough titty for you. “Oh, wah wah! We have to play NFL-caliber opponents every week! Boo hoo!” Sit and spin.
Here are my favorites matchups of the year, along with how I plan to end them:
WEEK 1: Giants 45, Redskins 20. Hey Skins fans, here’s where I make you go flying off your gay little bandwagon. “Oh oh, if only Campbell would throw it downfield to one of our horrible receivers! Then we would all be saved!” I can’t wait. I’ll be watching this game while dining on some moo shu unicorn. The secret to making it delicious is a good plum sauce. Man, I love plum sauce.
WEEK 2: Saints 28, Eagles 27. I’ll be snapping Donovan McNabb’s tibia this week. Look for it.
WEEK 3: Falcons 21, Patriots 13. Hey you Boston fans, this is the week you slowly begin to realize Tom Brady isn’t quite the same, and then you go bitching everywhere you can about how they nevah should have traded Cassel. OR DREW BLEDSOE! Just for that, I’ll be greenlighting another David E. Kelley series based in your town. You deserve it.
WEEK 5: Lions 21, Steelers 17. That’s my “Let me fuck up your suicide pool” special of the year. MORE CRACKER SOUP FOR YOU, POOR BOY.
WEEK 6: Chargers 52, Broncos 47. I love shootouts. Except in unicorn football. Then I prefer a bloody defensive battle.
WEEK 8: Seahawks 13, Cowboys 7. YEEEEHAW YOU ARE FUCKING MEDIOCRE AGAIN!
WEEK 10: Patriots 24, Colts 20. Watch as I personally age both these teams 12 years in one season. Few people know that I transferred Richie Petitbon’s soul to the vessel of Jim Caldwell.
WEEK 11: Raiders 33, Bengals 12. Just for Milt.
WEEK 15: Ravens 27, Bears 7. Hey Cutler, I hope you wear your game frown for this one.
WEEK 16: Chargers vs. Titans (cancelled due to double team bus crashes). Don’t fuck with my kid’s birthday, NFL.
SUPER BOWL: Ravens 22, Giants 13. In a shitty economy, I will give you a shitty Super Bowl. And you will like it. Now excuse me while I turn into mist and sneak into Rebecca Gayheart’s shower.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:03 am
How could they release this when they did? An Elite Flyer will not stand for this!
April 16th, 2009 at 11:04 am
+1 on turning the Christian Lord into Zeus
April 16th, 2009 at 11:06 am
I was hoping for another Week 1 season ending injury to Brady, made all the sweeter due to the fact the Pats play the Bills in Week 1. Thanks for nothing god.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:07 am
moo-shoo unicorn sounds pretty tasty
April 16th, 2009 at 11:10 am
I, too, was hoping for Dreamboat to break something and be out for the rest of this season too, but I can take a Super Bowl victory. I’ll just assume that in the AFC Championship game, Brady “accidentally” falls on a shiv carelessly left in the locker room. Eight times.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:13 am
Madden saw the schedule and said fuckit, I’m quitting.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:14 am
“WEEK 5: Lions 21, Steelers 17.”
Even an omnipotent being couldn’t make this happen.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:20 am
+1 for saying the Giants will reach the Super Bowl twice in three years. Even if we lose to the Ravens, it’s a cold hard shiv in the ribs to the rest of the NFC East and their cock loving fans.
That and if Eli gets a 2nd SB, that would make Marmalard the Ken O’Brien of the 2004 QB class.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:30 am
Rebecca Gayheart?! Really???
April 16th, 2009 at 11:37 am
This seems like a year where 20 teams will be 8-8. There’s not a single, “There’s no fucking way we can win against them” team out there. There’s no Chris Johnsons or Purple Jesuses or Matt Ryans to resurrect the pathetic and the good teams are all immensely beatable.
\What’s Atlanta’s Super Bowl odds again?
April 16th, 2009 at 11:46 am
Looks like God decided to really stick it to the Jews with the schedule as well. And if God wanted to, he could pass the buck for this economic Armageddon we’re in the midst of to the ‘Chosen People’ as well, given that they dominate the finance and legal industries that are at the forefront of creating this crisis. Well played God, well played…
April 16th, 2009 at 11:49 am
How did GOD not know Mia Sura was going to lose? I’m questiong this whole religion thing, now.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:50 am
Where the hell is the going to hell tag?
April 16th, 2009 at 11:55 am
I assume this is “Legend” Mia Sara, and not “Ferris Bueller” Mia Sara. What with the Unicorns and all.
April 16th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Week 2 sounds delightful.
April 16th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
You damn I love this column
April 16th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
@ UU
I don’t blame you for feeling that way, it’d be nice to have a chance 2 years in a row, huh?
April 16th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
You damn I love this column
Who shot who in the what now?
April 16th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Who shot who in the what now?
As in “God damnit”
You damnit, don’t make me explain my pathetic jokes now!
April 16th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
All these Unicorn references make it sound like god’s been on a kiddie-porn binge lately
April 16th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
WEEK 2: Saints 28, Eagles 27. I’ll be snapping Donovan McNabb’s tibia this week. Look for it.
Any wiggle room on this one? Why don’t you make this the week that one of Andy Reid’s kids starts huffing paint thinner instead?
/Eagle fan who knows that another McNabb injury is inevitable
April 16th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Where’s the “Blasphemy” and “We’re all going to burn in hell for this” tags?
BTW, Mia Sara circa 1985. Your pants just rose up.
April 16th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
sweet.
April 16th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
*scrambling to Google “Mia Sara” and “Tom Smith” to get the references*
hey, what the fuck …. there’s like 37 million returns on the name “Tom Smith”!!!! I’m confused :-/
ps – I too would like to bend Mia over a cloud, yes please.
April 16th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
+1 for the Bear Bryant reference.
+2 for pulling Pacman out of fucking nowhere.
O YOU NOT GON DRANK
April 16th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
The first five weeks of the Buccaneers schedule had me convinced that the writer of this column didn’t exist
April 16th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Is Rebecca Gayheart still hot? Those noxeema ads were a loooooong time ago.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Mia Sara is certainly not, you will have to find the 1985 version of Mia Sara, I don’t know what happened to Sloane but blechhh!! Time has ravaged her once youthful looks. Warning: Don’t look for current pictures of Mia Sara or else this will trump your Mia Sara image of yesteryear.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
God sure is mailing it in lately.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
Given the Pac-man and Double-J references, does this mean God’s been holy-ghost-writing for BDD?
April 16th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
Hey God, why the fuck do the Steelers have like 8 byes in 2009?
April 16th, 2009 at 11:27 pm
So in other, fairly intertwined, news – there will be no Week 4, Week 7, Week 9 is, aparently, the universal ‘bye’, except, HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT THIS IS NOT A BYE? I will NEVER in a MILLION YEARS understand why the N.F.L. (that’s the National Football Leauge /thanks Jaws) doesn’t call this the ‘off week’. You have to EARN A BYE. AM I NOT RIGHT? DO YOU NOT HAVE TO EARN THE RIGHT?, Week 12. Week 14. The real Week 14, which is called Week 15 but actually is located on Week 14. and no Week 17.
April 21st, 2009 at 6:44 am
Go Ravens! Go God! :)
April 21st, 2009 at 5:42 pm
Why is God talking like a Raiders fan?
September 30th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Somebody forgot the Charley Casserly reference!