Fictional Cheerleader Soliloquy: Brooke M.
LETS! GO! BUCS! LETS! GO! BUCKS!
Goddammit I hate football. Look at all these losers. Don’t they know that we have no shot at the playoffs? And yet here they are. Sitting here watching a stupid, meaningless game. That woman in the third row is really pretty. She better not be fucking my fiance’.
DE-FENSE! DE-FENSE! LET’S GO!
Oh God, I hope somebody picks me up at the bar tonight. Tells me how great my tits look. Takes me to their place and drugs me. Rips my clothes off. Fucks me til’ I pull a quadricep. God, I miss dating. Douglas is a nice man, don’t get me wrong. Good job, nice family, but…he doesn’t really know his way around a woman. Certainly not good with my Grade A tatas. Doing alright, girls? Mmmm, looking good.
B! U! C! S! IS THE BEST! B! U! …
Maybe I should go back to college. Get my MBA, I don’t know. Being a sideline whore just isn’t as much fun as I thought it would be. I could get a different guy to fuck me every night if I went back. Wouldn’t hurt to have some of my own money, either. Not that Douglas ever notices the things I buy to keep myself looking great. Unlike Brooke C., with her mousy hair and whore lipstick. It is! It makes her look like a tramp!
[Bucs give up another touchdown. Fans boo.]
I could go get a temp job. Wait tables someplace. Sure, I don’t have experience, but people like me! And they like my tits. I just wish that Douglas wasn’t so judgmental, because when he finds out I’m fucking both of his brothers he’s gonna shoot through the roof.
April 24th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Don’t they know that we have no shot at the playoffs?
Wow, it’s the 2009 season opener already!
April 24th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Best fictional cheerleader Soliloquy in awhile and those are some grade A tatas
April 24th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Holy Fuck. Yes. Thank you.
April 24th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Yes, those are Grade A Ta-ta’s.
April 24th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
geez Punte that’s just….. not as wrong as I thought it was going to be.
April 24th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
“5. I think if you read nothing else from me until after the draft (and I’ll be back here Saturday morning with a few short thoughts), please, please, please remember not to get too fired up and think you’ve won anything in April. I remind you of the following top-15 picks in the last six years: Charles Rogers, Dewayne Robertson, Johnathan Sullivan, Jimmy Kennedy, Michael Haynes, Jerome McDougle, Robert Gallery, Reggie Williams, Alex Smith, Cedric Benson, Troy Williamson, Mike Williams, Michael Huff, Jamaal Anderson. In other words, simmer down.’
Thanks, PK. For pointing out something that is painfully fucking obvious, while at the same time trying to suck almost all of the fun out of the draft for most teams’ fans. You really have your finger on the pulse of the NFL fan, big guy!
April 24th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
“Oh God, I hope somebody picks me up at the bar tonight. Tells me how great my tits look. Takes me to their place and drugs me. Rips my clothes off. Fucks me til’ I pull a quadricep.”
Who says a male writer can’t get inside a female character’s mind?
April 24th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAND Sexy Friday has begun.
April 24th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Jeez Punter, that’s just wrong… that you don’t have her getting boned up the ass five times a day!
April 24th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
I for one, approve of this post.
+1 j4b
gogo sexy friday
April 24th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
that…..that is just awesome
April 24th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Oh God, I hope somebody picks me up at the bar tonight. Tells me how great my tits look. Takes me to their place and drugs me. Rips my clothes off. Fucks me til’ I pull a quadricep.
… because when he finds out I’m fucking both of his brothers he’s gonna shoot through the roof.
That Brooke M. is a whore. And I like it. I like it a lot.
April 24th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
Oh God, I hope somebody picks me up at the bar tonight. Tells me how great my tits look. Takes me to their place.
That sentence, ended right there, is perfect. I wonder if any Jills exhibit this behavior? Maybe her?
April 24th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Doug’s a fucking loser.
April 24th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Punte has clearly spent a lot of time in Tampa. Very slutty place, Tampa.
April 24th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
I like to think she’s dressed like the 2009 version of Princess Leia.
April 24th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
All hail Sexy Friday!
April 24th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Needs more daddy issues.
April 24th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Stonecutter has a point. Within 5 miles of RJStadium, (and hopefully within 5 miles of the site of the Rays next stadium) you can find approximately… let me count… carry the 7… 10-12 quality strip clubs and another 50 low-quality strip clubs.
Still though, that Brooke has nothing on this Brooke (NSFW) http://www.bigboobsalert.com/pics3/brooke_little10.jpg
April 24th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
A hot, horny cheerleader with crippling self-esteem issues? Score! That’s the best kind! I am so in! Now I’ll just buy my ticket to…Tampa? Ugh. Never mind.
April 24th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
A hot, horny cheerleader with crippling self-esteem issues? Score! That’s the best kind! I am so in!
Please make sure I don’t propose to her.
April 24th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Not gonna lie, I kind of liked this cheerleader more when her name was Britney.
April 24th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
Britney was pretty sweet. The smoking thing, though…I don’t know.
April 24th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
Wait til she finds out Brooke C. is fucking Doug.
April 24th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
Or till she finds out her twin Britney is fucking Doug.
April 24th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
Clearly, this is a family with issues. Smoking hot issues.
April 24th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
FUCK DOUG
April 24th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
I think Britney needs a good spanking for boning Doug. Maybe Brooke does too. Maybe at the same time.
/Wait. Did I say that out loud?
April 24th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
when he finds out I’m fucking both of his brothers he’s gonna shoot through the roof.
I’m pretty sure both brothers have already done that with her.
April 24th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
Bonus points for a reference to another Brooke on the team.
April 24th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
I wonder how many fawhkin’ twisted teas it takes to get her on her back.
April 24th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
I love your tits, I’m never judgemental and I have no siblings (there goes THAT threesome). Phone number please?
April 24th, 2009 at 8:42 pm
Having watched every episode of “Making the Squad: NFL Cheerleaders,” I think I can safely say your typical pom pom girl is just behind Porn Stars and Strippers on the Messed Up Body Issues/Daddy Issues/Self Esteem Issues trinity.
That being said, I’d totally nail Chris Cooley’s wife. This girl? Her face is a little too harsh and angular to make up for the fantastic tits.
April 24th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
@placekickerholder Dammit, and I just spent five minutes going through the archives to find that same thing.
April 24th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
Nitpicking every detail. What a bunch of losers.
/returns to LOST message boards
April 24th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
Sad reality is no female feels that way. Otherwise we’d all be bangin cheerleaders with ease.
And not be getting law suits for “accidentally” dropping a pair of crushed up ambien’s in her fresca and vodka when she was in the bathroom.
April 25th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
They’re not real. But they’re spectacular.
April 26th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
I’m changing teams to root for……GO BUCS!!