Dan Snyder Is Smitten
Int. Il Mulino’s Washinton DC location
Hostess: Hello, welcome to Il Mulino New York. How can I help you this evening?
Mark Sanchez: I’m supposed to be meeting some people from the Washington Redskins for dinner. Do you know if they’ve arrived yet?
Hostess: Yes Mr. Sanchez, I was told to expect you. Mr. Snyder and his guests arrived a few minutes ago, they’re waiting out on the patio.
Sanchez: Thank you.
[Sanchez approaches a table occupied by Dan Snyder, Vinny "Sarge" Cerrato, and Jim Zorn]
Zorn: Oh look, the golden boy is here! Can we order those drinks now?
[Cerrato stands up from the table and feels Sanchez's facial features with his hands]
Cerrato: He’s real.
[Everyone looks at Cerrato as an uncomfortable silence falls over the table]
Snyder: Mark, I can’t tell you what a pleasure it is to have you join us here tonight. Maybe after we draft you we could make this a regular date.
Sanchez: That sounds…cool.
[A waitress approaches]
Waitress: So it looks like everyone has arrived, can I interest you gentlemen in some drinks before dinner?
Zorn: Beer.
Cerrato: Shirley Temple, extra red stuff.
Snyder: I’ll have a glass of the most exclusive Barolo from your private cellar.
Waitress: Oh I’m sorry, but the wines from our private cellar are only available by the bottle.
Snyder: Very well, bring me a glass of the Barolo Riserva and I’ll happily pay for the whole bottle.
Sanchez: I’d love a rum and coke with extra limes
Zorn: [under his breath] Pretty boy.
Snyder: What an intriguing drink order, Mark. It sounds very exotic. My interest is piqued, perhaps I should order one of those as well.
Sanchez: Well you could always try a sip of mine, sir.
Snyder: Aren’t you sweet!
Zorn: [under his breath] Kiss ass.
Snyder: I just want to tell you how glad we are that you chose to pay us a visit just week from the draft. As you may have heard we’ve had our eyes on you for quite some time.
Sanchez: Yes, I’ve noticed. And I must say it is all quite humbling.
Snyder: You can cut that out right now. We aren’t [makes air quotes] “smitten” with you because of your humility. We already have a humble quarterback, and that guy’s getting more humble by the day. What we like about you is your star power.
Sanchez: That’s funny, I’ve never really thought of myself that way before.
Snyder: Well son, it’s time to start. Because we’re going to do whatever it takes to draft you even if it comes at the expense of the rest of the roster. You see, Dallas has Romo and from what Jerry Jones tells me he’s a goddamn star. So I figure that the only way to compete with that is to find our own Romo, and wouldn’t you know, there’s a photogenic Mexican-American quarterback sitting there just begging to be plucked.
[The waitress sets down everyone's drinks]
Snyder: Hey, thanks doll. Now tell me, doesn’t this young man here have the face of a star?
Waitress: Eh, he’s okay I guess. Put him in a Vineyard Vines polo, some plaid shorts, and a pair of good boat shoes and I’d probably give him anal.
Sanchez: Uh…thank you?
[An obese and apparently drunk Redskins fan stumbles towards the table]
Fan: HEY COOCH, WHAT’RE YA DOIN HERE WITH THAT QUARTEEBACK FROM USC? WE’VE ALREADY GOT A QUARTEEBACK COOCH, YA GOTTA GIVE COOOLT A SHOT. HE’S A CORE REDSKIN!
Zorn: Did he just call me a cooch?
Snyder: What do you gentlemen say we move this party back to the dining room?
Cerrato: Right behind you as always, Mr. Snyder.
Snyder: Okay Vinny, but you can leave the crayons and kid’s menu here.
Cerrato: But I haven’t finished the maze yet!
Snyder: Fine, bring it with you if you must.
Cerrato: It’s a tough one, Mr. Snyder. I may have to take it home tonight for some extra study time.
Snyder: Very good, Vinny.
[The group is seated at a private table near the back of the restaurant]
Snyder: Yes, this is much better, no distractions here. Except of course for the menu.
Sanchez: The caprese salad does sound delicious.
Zorn: [audibly] What a bitch.
[Silence]
Zorn: Oh god, did I say that out loud?
Snyder: I think you’d better explain yourself. Right now.
Zorn: I’m sorry Mark, I didn’t mean anything by it. I’m in a tough position here because as the coach of the Redskins I already have a quarterback that I’m happy with. Jason may not have your star power or whatever else it is that Mr. Snyder sees in you, but with him I know what I’m getting and I truly believe we can progress as a team with him running my offense. Now I’m sure that you’re going to make a fine quarterback no matter where you play in the NFL, but I just don’t think you’re the right fit for our team at this point in time. Unfortunately I allowed my emotions to get the better of me and I apologize for what I said. If Mr. Snyder is able to obtain your services through the draft I will look forward to working with you to make this Redskins team the best it can be.
Snyder: Jim, you’re fired.
Zorn: What?
Snyder: Congratulations Vinny, I’m promoting you to head coach.
Cerrato: [chokes on an ice cube]
Zorn: This is ridiculous.
Snyder: Stop struggling Vinny, the heat of your throat will melt that cube in no time.
Sanchez: I think I’ll have the veal.
Snyder: God I love you so fucking much. Hey, who wants to have a sleepover?
Vinny: [Swallows more ice]
Tags: dan snyder, Jim Zorn, Mark Sanchez, Unsilent Majority, Vinny Cerrato, Washington Redskins
April 20th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Highly unlikely, but plausible.
/Hate myself for loving the Redskins.
April 20th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Snyder: Okay Vinny, but you can leave the crayons and kid’s menu here.
A child has already solved the Jumble. The answer is “fries.”
April 20th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
[i]A child has already solved the Jumble. The answer is “fries.”[/i]
Vinny’s dad only stopped to let him use the bathroom, and now he finds Vinny buying comic books.
April 20th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Man, I totally fucked that up.
April 20th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Whew. Thank god the owner of my favorite team isn’t as much of an inept, meddling dickhole as Dan Snyder.
As a lifelong Cowboys fan, I’ve waited YEARS to say those words.
April 20th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
If the ‘Skins take Sanchez, the fanbase may burn the city to the ground before the Tea Partiers get a chance.
Awww, who am I kidding, the fans’ll think Sanchez is the greatest thing since sliced bread until the 2nd preseason game. It must be illegal to operate a well-managed sports franchise in the greater-DC metro area.
April 20th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Very well, bring me a glass of the Barolo Riserva and I’ll happily pay for the whole bottle.
when the waitress brings him a mixture of purple and red Kool-Aid he fails to notice the difference, pays for another three bottles
April 20th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
The sad thing is that this scenario is totally legit. If they trade for Sanchez they are out of the running in the NFC East. They will have no ability to fix the other holes. Go for it Vinny!
April 20th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
let them take sanchez, we all know how well leinert worked out.
April 20th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
@ CVE – I agree, trading up for Sanchez will totally screw them in building their team. So go for it Vinny!
/Jeff Garcia just requested a trade to whoever drafts Sanchez, so he can ‘educate’ him.
April 20th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Although I don’t agree with it, deep in my heart I know that Mark Sanchez will be drafted at #4. It’ll be tough to avoid the siren song of Eugene Monroe and Brian Orakpo, but the stars are aligning for Sanchez to go at that spot.
Of course, that doesn’t mean the Seahawks want him. Snyder, if you want your next goddamn star, all you’ll need to give up is your 1st, 2nd, 3rd & 4th round picks. Wait, what’s that? Is that too much to ask? Does that not fit with the NFL draft scale? SCREW YOUR NFL DRAFT SCALE!!!
That’s the price you’ve got to pay shorty, and if you want to ruin your franchise and piss off your fans badly enough, you’ll belly up.
April 20th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
It’s funny because J.L. White thinks the Redskins still have their second and fourth round picks.
They don’t.
April 20th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Right behind you as always, Mr. Snyder.
Nice, I always imagined Vinny as a Smithers type.
SNYDER: Ahh! This coffee is too hot! [throws coffee on Vinny]
CERRATO: [grimaces] You’re right sir. It’s scalding me as we speak.
April 20th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
The Redskins can just give us Seahawks back the Zorn Star for Sanchez. And maybe some Portis. And some blocking schemes. And some tackling drills. And some money.
But I will never give up Owen Schmitt.
April 20th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
UM, you do not know how unbelievably stupid I feel right now, for not even considering the possibility that Snyder had already traded away some of his draft picks. Daniel Snyder hates draft picks as much as Jeff Garcia hates sex with his incredibly hot wife. Let’s just switch the two picks the Redskins no longer have with their 2010 1st rounder, and let us forget this ever happened.
April 20th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
*Ahem* Lets go allllll the way back to the caption on the first pick. ‘Look at those sideburns. He looks like a girl.’ Maj, how many ‘girls’ have you known with manburns that bushy? And were any of them named Lola?
/L-O-L-A Lola.
April 20th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Sloth: as long as we can still keep two place kickers on the roster, everyone else is fair game!
April 20th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Spanky needs to spend more time watching Simpsons reruns.
April 20th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Agreed… I’m pretty sure I don’t need the KSK Sex and Football mailbag or Dan Savage to tell me that sideburns on a chick is NOT cool.
April 20th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Unsilent Majority is wrapped up in his Madison Avenue Mr. Plastic Fantastic Scene.
April 20th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
@Maj
I must have missed that one too. -1 for me.
April 20th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
I’m trying to watch the Super Bowl. If people don’t support this thing, it might not make it.
April 20th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Joe Willy Namath, swaggering off the field, his sideburns an apogee of sculpted sartorium — the foppish follicles pioneered by Ambrose Burnside. Appomattox, 1865.
April 20th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
@Animal Mother
Jeff Garcia is already salavating at the prospect of being behing JaMarcus Russell. Because you know Gay Zorro loves the dark meat. His motto is “we’re all brown on the inside.”
April 20th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
@NTPNate
“It must be illegal to operate a well-managed sports franchise in the greater-DC metro area.”
What do you mean? The Expos….oops I mean the Nationals are doing great!!!!
April 20th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
He does look ever so slightly girly from the neck up (it’s the curly hair and the eyelashes and the purty mouth), but from the neck down – Yum.
April 20th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
I knew I had the wrong shoes but never suspected boat shoes would seal that deal.
Thanks KSK!
April 20th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
That picture of Drew always cracks me up Maj. How did you get him to put on a Skins shirt?
April 20th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
Very well, bring me a glass of the Barolo Riserva and I’ll happily pay for the whole bottle
I see what you did there. Nice
April 20th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Mark Sanchez is the heir apparent to Jeff Garcia as Gay Zorro.
April 20th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
You see, Dallas has Romo and from what Jerry Jones tells me he’s a goddamn star.
And Sanchez already has as many playoff wins as Romo!
BTW, as inept as Tom Benson is, I’d rather have the old umbrella-waving buffoon than the assclown Dan Snyder.
April 20th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
for not even considering the possibility that Snyder had already traded away some of his draft picks.
“Dan Snyder has previously traded away draft picks” is one of those constants in the NFL, like “Coughlin’s face is currently turning red since he’s screaming at one of his players” and “Belichick is having sex with someone’s wife.”
April 20th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
Sanchez to the Redskins?
Mexicans are just taking jobs Americans don’t want.
April 21st, 2009 at 8:27 am
All that and you couldn’t work in one Dirty Sanchez joke?!?