A Hero Swings Into Raidervania
(crypt flies open)
Count Al: HISSSSSS!!!! Ha ha ha ha ha! Zey said I vas mad ven ven I gave Nnamdi Assimvaa forty three meelleeon! But vee shall show zem! Vee shall show zem all zat the Raidahs shall rise vunce more! BLAH! BLAH!
WereRob Ryan: OW-OOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Count Al: Easy, VereRob Ryan! Soon, I vill feed you all the cheeldren you vant! BLAH! BLAH! Zey said I vas mad! Zey said Al Davis vasn’t veeth it anymore! But look who is having zee last laugh now! Mummy Art Shell, have you seen vat Coach Keefin has been doing at ze Tennessee?!!!
Mummy Art Shell: Durrrrrrrrrrr…. Bang his wife… durrrrr
Count Al: Yes Yes! She is a fine piece of poosy! I vould vallop zat poosy! BLAH BLAH! But zat is beside ze point! Now that Lane Keefin has gone crazy in ze Tennessee, everyvun now knows Al Davees vas right! Zis Keefin, I nevuh trust him! He vas crazy, I tell you! Crazy! Vith ze gosseeping, and ze shameful boasteeng, and alvays trying to fiah the secretaries! ZIS KEEFIN VAS ZE CRAZY VUN ALL ALONG! VUNCE AGAIN, AL DAVIS IS VEENDEECATED! Soon, vee shall conquer ze world! And night shall fall across ze landscape! I shall command an army of ze dead! No vun shall stop me! I SHALL VIN! BLAH BLAH!
(puerta flies open)
Gay Zorro: (clutches rose between teeth) So, eet has come to pass! All the stories of el vampiro are true! Gay Zorro has been deceived! Count Al, Gay Zorro weel never let you get away weeth thees! He shall drive hees mighty stake through el Corazon!
(whips out penis)
WereRob Ryan: OW-OOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Mummy Art Shell: Durrrrrrrrrrr… no homo….
Count Al: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
(takes deep breath)
HA HA HA HA HA HA! BLAH!
Velcome to Oakland, my dear friend! VELCOME! There is no need for such hosteelity, Garceea! Don’t you see? Vee are togezer now! You and I. Vee shall become vun!
Gay Zorro: You underestimate Gay Zorro, Count Al. Gay Zorro cares not for la temptacion. You shall not steal hees integrity! When the banditos in Chiapas tried to bribe Gay Zorro with all the free penes he wanted, Gay Zorro said NO! And when Coach Gruden tried to deestract Gay Zorro with hot blonde quarterback after hot blonde quarterback in Tampa, Gay Zorro never fell upon hees gay blade! And you, Count Al! Gay Zorro shall never become like you! Gay Zorro is here for la gente!
Count Al: And vat have ze people ever done for you, my dear friend? Look at you! You spend your days hideeng behind a mask and cape. Ze people, zey do not love you! Zey DEESPISE YOU! And do you know vye? Because zey do not understand you, my friend. BUT I DO! BLAH BLAH! I too know vat it ees like to be hated by ze people! I too know what it’s like to hide, behind oversized sunglasses and baggy leisure suits! I too know vat it ees like to pronounce your i’s like e’s! You and I, Gay Zorro. VEE AH OUTCASTS! SOCIETY SAYS VEE ARE ZE ENEMY! VEE ARE THE SAME! BLAH! BLAH!
Gay Zorro: We will never be the same, vendejo. Gay Zorro geeves to the people! You take! You are the reason los cholos terrorize the cheeldren! I shall never join you!
Count Al: Not even… for a backup spot?
Gay Zorro: A backup spot?
Count Al: Yes. And after zat, who knows? Zees JaParker Russell, no vun knows eef he’ll be worth a sheet! He’s so very fat, and tender, and juicy, BLAH! You could be starting by VEEK VUN! And zen you could treegger your bonus clause! And make ONE… TWO… THREE! THREE meelleeon dollars! HA HA HA!
(thunder rolls)
Gay Zorro: Starteeng Week One? Well, Gay Zorro has always wanted to be the undisputed jefe of a team…
Count Al: And you shall! Just join us! Join us and football immortality shall be yours! I VILL MAKE YOU ZE NEXT REECH GANNON! ZEES IS VERE QUARTERBACKS GO TO BE RESURRECTED! ALL YOU MUST DO IS DRINK ZE BLOOD OF 100 EENNOCENTS!
Gay Zorro: I don’t know. All Gay Zorro wanted was a chance to play, and to leeve in the Castro deestreect. But how can he trust banditos such as thees?
Count Al: Who else can you trust? HA HA HA HA HA!!!! HISS!!!!!! Come! Let us vork togezer! Vee shall talk around ze blood cooler every morning!
Gay Zorro: Thees could be the most unusual partnersheep of Gay Zorro’s vida. But Gay Zorro has never been afraid to flirt with danger, or weeth Maurice Morris. Very well, Count Al. Gay Zorro accepts your invitacion. We shall form an uneasy truce een the name of weening! We shake penes now.
Count Al: I DON’T VANT TO DO THAT! QVEER! BLAH!
WereRob Ryan: OW-OOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, Count Al, gz, really wish the vikes had signed him, starting by week one without a doubt
April 7th, 2009 at 11:03 am
Finally, a backup/potential starting QB that doesn’t make me want to punch kittens.
April 7th, 2009 at 11:04 am
JaMarcus may be motivated to perform now that he knows that Garcia is behind him.
April 7th, 2009 at 11:06 am
Oh come now….Al vouldn’t vallop zat poosy…Al hasn’t valloped zat zort of zing zince 1863.
April 7th, 2009 at 11:08 am
I really couldn’t explain to the people at work why I was laughing so hard while reading this.
April 7th, 2009 at 11:14 am
Way to copy/paste Spiderman Drew.
April 7th, 2009 at 11:15 am
“pendejo” and ‘tentacion’
/ fixed
April 7th, 2009 at 11:15 am
“And make ONE… TWO… THREE! THREE meelleeon dollars! HA HA HA!”
Amazing.
April 7th, 2009 at 11:18 am
Ahhhh, the AFC West QB’s. Welcome to our dysfunctional family Gay Blade! Meet Neckdrunk, Marmalard and Spleenboy. Over here we have Brokie Croyle, Jafarkus and Cassel. Coffee and scones?
April 7th, 2009 at 11:22 am
the gay zorro pic always elicits a chuckle.
April 7th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Punch Rockgroin +111
April 7th, 2009 at 11:29 am
A match made in hell
April 7th, 2009 at 11:30 am
I’m glad I won’t have to see that gimp Walter come off the bench when things go from suck to blow. Now we have someone who can handle that situation.
April 7th, 2009 at 11:38 am
“Way to copy/paste Spiderman Drew.”
Juh?
April 7th, 2009 at 11:42 am
@ Punch
JaMarcus may be motivated to perform now that he knows that Garcia is behind him.
That just sounds so wrong.
April 7th, 2009 at 11:49 am
Roger Goodell: Over there is Tom Brady, captain of the swim team. And that’s Peyton Manning, editor of the Daily Faberian. And……….Cassell, JaMarcus, Marmalard and Neckbeard.
Gay Zorro: We already met.
Roger Goodell: Super! Then you’ll have lots to talk about.
April 7th, 2009 at 11:49 am
The beauty of this is that if they make a movie about it, George Hamilton can play multiple roles. With Stanley from the Office as Art Shell.
April 7th, 2009 at 11:50 am
Oh UMaj, I just heard PK tard it up on DP show, and say that Jason Campbell will “understand” that he was shopped in recent exploratory deals because he is a coach’s son. Sigh. PK, you never cease to amaze me.
April 7th, 2009 at 11:54 am
“And when Coach Gruden tried to deestract Gay Zorro with hot blonde quarterback after hot blonde quarterback in Tampa”
I can only assume (in a non gay way) that you are referring to Simms followed by Griese?
April 7th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Neckdrunk, Marmatard, JaParker, Gay Zorro and the $15 Million Man. The AFC West has all the best QB’s.
April 7th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
“Way to copy/paste Spiderman Drew.”
Juh?
You know, Zorro. Spiderman’s alter ego. A mild-mannered masked gay Mexican by day, web-slinging superhero by night.
April 7th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
If this is the alternative to a fucking crazy owner and a quarterback with a fat starlet girlfriend, I’ll gladly be content with what I have.
also: vendejo should be pendejo, I think.
April 7th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
really wish the vikes had signed him
I was going to make a Frankenstein-themed joke about SageTarv Booty, but that would mean Brad Childress is a mad scientist. He’s too dull and incompetent to be a mad scientist. Brad Childress is more of an “occasionally-agitated scientician”.
April 7th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
Punchgroin, was that “knows Garcia’s behind him” line a set up for a gay joke? Eitheir way it seems too easy.
April 8th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Can JaFrankenstein be far off?
April 8th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Why the hell is Rob Ryan still hanging out at the castle?