A Beard For a Sulk; A Drunk For a Drunk
Josh McDaniels: It may not have been under the best of circumstances, but all things considered, I know we’re gonna have a great season together. I wouldn’t've traded for you if I didn’t think you were up to the task. If things shake out right, I think we could have a real monumental season. Shock some people. Really shake things up.
Kyle Orton: Cool, man. Glad to be, y’know, helping out the cause and junk.
Josh McDaniels: Not that there won’t be difficulties…
Kyle Orton: [Urp] No doubt. Learning a new [Urp] system. Always tough.
Josh McDaniels: For one, we’ve had some problems on the defensive side of the ball.
Kyle Orton: Oh yeah. Totally.
Josh McDaniels: And the running game could use some work.
Kyle Orton: [Urp] I hear that.
Josh McDaniels: But really, your main concern right off the bat is…
Kyle Orton: Yeah?
Josh McDaniels: It is, well, it is…
[Door flies open]
Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask someboddddaaaayyyyyyy!
Josh McDaniels: It’s that guy.
Rivers: You better believe I’m your main concern YA BEARDY TWAT! I ALREADY RAN ONE CUTLERFUCKER OUT OF TOWN! AND HE WAS TWICE THE SHITTY QUARTERBACK YOU ARE! HE SULKED UNTIL HE COULD SULK NO MORE! THEN THEY PUT HIM ON THE FIRST TRAIN TO THE WINDY SULKY CITY FULL OF MIDWESTERN TWO-CHINNED LUMBERING SAUSAGEWITS! AND NOW YOU’RE STANDING ON THE TRACKS AND THE LASER’S COMING THROUGH!
WHAT? HUH? WHAT? SHAVE YOUR FUCKING NECKGINA!
Rivers: You in some catatonic case? You can’t make out what I’m saying to you? ARE YOU FUCKING MENTALLY DEFICIENT? ARE YOU COCKTUALLY BEREFT!? ALL SIGNS POINT TO FUCK YES!
Orton: This guy…check out this guy. [Urp] He’s kinda funny.
Rivers: I’m a funny guy to you, Beardo? Perhaps you’ll change your mind about my funnin’ ways once I whip the AFC West sweeping dick out. THE HUMOR IS LESS ENJOYABLE WHEN IT SPOOGES IN YOUR EYE!
Orton: So long as I can get Fat Tire, you can sweep anything you want with anybody’s dick.
Rivers: Sulk, goddammit! SULK LIKE A PUSSY BRONCO QUARTERBACK SHOULD! What’s this complacent shit!? You can’t get get beyond the mind games. Your devastated psyche will show!
Orton: [Downs bottle of Bulleit Bourbon] Yeah. You’ff… probabee right about the weather…Gonna rain tomorrow or some schizz [passes out]
Rivers: Can it be? Can I actually be missing the Cutlerfucker? NO! THERE ARE ALWAYS SENSITIVE NINNIES TO BERATE!
Orton:[Urp] It could be. Stranger things have [vomits]
Rivers: Hey! [Pokes with cock] HEY! Get the fuck up! What’s the use without the abuse!?
Josh McDaniels: Since he’s out…uh, any chance I can swing a trade for you?
April 6th, 2009 at 8:47 am
NECKGINA
ARE YOU COCKTUALLY BEREFT!?
*Mentally categorized and saved under ‘Outstanding Insults’ .*
Well done sirs.
April 6th, 2009 at 9:30 am
[Pokes with cock]
Great, now I have to think of an excuse to tell people around me what I was actually laughing at….
April 6th, 2009 at 9:30 am
Somewhere in a dark mid-western closet, rocking back and forth in the fetal position, the Cutlerfucker although not happy (let’s face it that Sultan of Sulk has never been happy), is at least less suicidal now that Laserface has the Neckgina (btw, excellent) to torture.
April 6th, 2009 at 9:36 am
Now I want a fat tire
April 6th, 2009 at 9:38 am
Bulleit is some damned fine bourbon.
April 6th, 2009 at 10:16 am
did you actually photoshop in more facial hair? some of that just doesnt look natural.
April 6th, 2009 at 10:27 am
ubertard = best insult ever
April 6th, 2009 at 10:29 am
I’m with Maj. It’s damn near impossible to get Fat Tire east of the Mississippi.
April 6th, 2009 at 10:32 am
I’m going to poking people with my cock all day now, then giggling.
April 6th, 2009 at 10:37 am
Welcome back Marmalard.
Fat Tire is pretty terrible beer to be honest…
/beer snob
//dick joke
April 6th, 2009 at 10:40 am
Fat Tire for everyone!
April 6th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Marmalard and the neckbeard. This should end well.
April 6th, 2009 at 10:48 am
@Sabbatini’s Pacifier
If you think Fat Tire is a terrible beer, then you suck as a beer snob. Woo! BeerFlaWa!
April 6th, 2009 at 10:52 am
Fat Tire for all!
/booooo
Very well, Fat Tire for none!
/booooo
Very well, Fat Tire for some, Marmalard and Tiny Darren for others!
/huzzah
April 6th, 2009 at 10:52 am
I had Fat Tire when I was in Carson City, NV and I’ve never seen it here in upstate NY.
April 6th, 2009 at 10:58 am
Finally. I thought they killed off the Marmalard character to make room for ‘Plaxico Burress: Letters From Prison’.
April 6th, 2009 at 10:59 am
Upstate, what’s wrong–you don’t like Utica Club?
For whatever reason, New Belgium doesn’t really distribute east of the Mississippi. They’re starting to expand their distribution, but they’re taking their sweet time. But I live in Cincinnati (what, who doesn’t love backward racial politics, a filthy river, and gray skies?), so we get all the Great Lakes beers.
April 6th, 2009 at 11:00 am
Up until the ‘cocktually bereft’ and the ‘pokes with cock’, I was beginning to think this was going to be a rather weak Marmalogue…
/needs more cock
//actually, needs more Cutlerfuckersulkiness
///Orton’s our quarterback…put a bullet in me
April 6th, 2009 at 11:09 am
@deflated, don’t worry I’ve had my fair share of Utica Club over the years.
April 6th, 2009 at 11:12 am
We get fat tire in north carolina. Left hand is still better, though.
April 6th, 2009 at 11:28 am
I could go for a Genny Light & some Dinosaur BBQ ribs
April 6th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Now I have to find a way to include “Neckgina” into a conversation today. Thanks!
ARE YOU COCKTUALLY BEREFT!?
If only a lawyer could ask this in open court…
As for the Fat Tire flawa…I like it. It gets dumb girls drunk quickly.
April 6th, 2009 at 11:40 am
The best part about Bulleit Bourbon is that the bottle is perfect for throwing in the air and shooting with your six-gun.
/yeehaw
//fucking crazy
April 6th, 2009 at 11:40 am
This is awesome, but I think there’s a word missing from the line about “midwestern two chinned….”
April 6th, 2009 at 11:41 am
@ Reggie Bush’s Pimp – You must be thinking of something else. Heavy beer and dumb girls never equals a quick or manageable drunk.
April 6th, 2009 at 11:53 am
“So long as I can get Fat Tire, you can sweep anything you want with anybody’s dick”
/yeah i can say i have to agree with this statement on a weekly basis
//when we gonna have a Goth Rodgers vs. Cutlerfucker encounter…
April 6th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Fat Tire, AKA the hip beer for frat boys in Iowa City? Meh. I’m not from Wisconsin, and I hate the Packers, but I’ll take any number of New Glarus products over Fat Tire any time.
April 6th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
@Markus: Now you’re talking.
April 6th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Can you get Anchor Steam out there?
April 6th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Neckbeard is the stimulus package for LoDo.
BTW, I went to college in the same town that’s home to New Belgium and several other micros. Fat Tire was never my favorite…I’ll take 1554 any day, thanks.
April 6th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Six-pack of Trippel plz
April 6th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
fat tire is terrible
April 6th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
If you’ve ever had any over-hopped, too-sweet, you-wont-like-this-after-you-graduate microbrew, you’ve had Fat Tire.
April 6th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Bulleit, the whiskey you drink when you want to pretend you’re Al Swearengen.
April 6th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Deflated–per my friend’s dad who works at the brewery, New Belgium will be distributing in Ohio this summer.
April 6th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
@Midnight
New Glarus > New Belgium
All my favorite New Belgium’s have died since they started getting distribution to Chicago.. I’m looking at you “Bier de Mars”
April 6th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Biere de Mars is back this year.
April 6th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
@Markus – Why did you have to bring up the Dinosaur BBQ ? Now my day is ruined. Im in San Antonio which is full of bbq joints, but NOTHING compares to dinner and drinks @ the Dinosaur with some Genny Lites. When I lived in Watertown NY, I made the journey to da ‘Cuse on quite a few Sundays to partake.
@Upstate Underdog – I know all about the Utica Club’s as well. On the same note – do you remember the “Matt’s BeerBall” ? If you did then you would remember waking up the next day with the “Matt’s Splatt’s” !!!
April 6th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Oh, Gawd, I remember the Matt’s beer ball. That was a good party in college! And we could use it for a floating buoy on the bay afterward! Twice the fun.
I talked my brother into taking home Dinasaur BBQ sauce when he left CNY back to AZ one trip; he was a hero at his daughter’s graduation parties.
April 6th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
This is how Chris Simms gets a starting job in the NFL. Major Applewhite is rolling over in his coaching spot right now.
April 6th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
My Grandparents lived in Utica, UC and Matt’s all the time. They had Genny beerballs back in the day too, I had the beerball deck light thing going one summer.
April 6th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
@ Arm Strongcock:
Back when I was in college I used to dream of Applewhite being out starting quarterback. This during the Griese Era.
Fuck Josh McDaniels.
April 6th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
*This was
April 6th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
I’m almost sorry to see Cutlerfucker and Marmalard broken up… However, I think His Sulkiness should meet up with Goth Rodgers and/or Sagvaribooty for some hijinks.
/Spotted Cow, FTW.
April 6th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
This Marmalard/Neckbeard feud is a non-starter. However….I did hear that the Raiders just signed Jeff Garcia. Perhaps Rivers can head leave the Broncos alone in their moment of delicious misery, and head up to the Bay Area and assault The Gay Zorro with some very, very, very, very, very, very (even for this website) inappropriate gay jokes.
April 6th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
I lauged out loud at “Beardo.”
April 6th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
Fat Tire is singlehandedly the best beer I’ve ever had. Had great times when I was stuck at Huachuca.
April 6th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
Seriously, Laserface is probably going to have to resort to Gay Zorro to get his aggressions out. Maybe have Merriman rape Jamarcus’s knee so that the Gay Blade can sashay his way into the hearts of the pipples.
April 6th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
Outstanding! The return of Marmalard! The only thing that could have made it better would have been a LT bitching out in the playoffs reference.
April 7th, 2009 at 3:19 am
awesome, I expected this to happen. Wonder what’s going on with Cutlerfucker in Chi-town?
i’m gonna ask someone if they’r ecocktually bereft one day
April 7th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
Laserface is going to get up in Matt Cassel’s guts.
April 8th, 2009 at 3:24 am
New Belgium is bomb. Beer is about the only thing foco can get right. Almost makes up for their clown college.