TODAY IN KSGAY HERSTORY: One year ago today Blog Martyr Par Sexcellence Christmas Ape gave away his only halfassed job for your dick joking sins, when The Washington Post (4th quarter revenue only down 77 percent!) fired him (okay, forced him to quit) for posting a picture of himself wearing a Hines Ward jersey which embarrassed the paper because they hate Asians. Hopefully others can follow in my path. CBS Sportsline columnist Gregg Doyel laments the decline of the newspaper because it will prevent other Philip Rivers caricaturists from being discovered. In semi-related news, in a few short weeks I will begin whoring my upcoming book, “The Football Manifesto”, which doesn’t make the mistake of sticking a lame-ass soccer ball and a basketball on the cover like Drew’s book, but does make the mistake of coming out when people don’t have jobs and can’t afford food and water, let alone hilarious profanity-laden books about sports that will change the way you live and love.
Oh yeah, and John Madden retired (should’ve been you, Kornheiser). BUT WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH WITH MEMEME!?
April 16th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Madden retiring robs me of yet another person I love screaming at when I watch football. BOOM!!
April 16th, 2009 at 11:37 am
Ape, we hardly knew ye.
But more importantly, I’m thrilled that John Madden is finally calling it quits. Sure, it’ll be tough to watch a game without the Turducken Turdblossom there to tell me that that one guy hit the other guy and then the other guy fell down BOOM but I think I’ll be able to survive the loss.
Hopefully, they’ll replace him with someone equally qualified, like a lobotomized cow or Bill Maas.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:38 am
It should have be you Brent Mussberger. Sorry, he really isn’t a “fine young man”
Still bitter about 2009 Rose Bowl
April 16th, 2009 at 11:39 am
If the book cover is a picture of Ape wearing eye black, a beer helmet, and a contemplative look, then consider me sold.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:44 am
Brady should just take a knee, huh? The Patriots should just play for overtime, huh?
FUCK YOU MADDEN! YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT! I HOPE YOU BREAK YOUR FUCKING HIP! EVERYONE KNOWS A BROKEN HIP IS THE KISS OF DEATH AT YOUR AGE! AHAHAHAHAH!
/no Favre=no Madden
April 16th, 2009 at 11:47 am
Goddamnit, pick a celebrity to look like. The “Here’s me pulling out the collar on my Steelers Jersey looking hard” picture is obviously Michael Rappaport. But this one? Jeff Garcia. Totally.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:49 am
Anyone “praising” Madden’s retirement is going to fully deserve Troy Aikman or Phil Simms. Madden was a big blithering goof, but he was kind of like Grandma’s disgusting Christmas yams in that respect. Sure, they gross you out and you can’t handle more than a few bites before pushing it away and wishing Grandma didn’t bring them anymore, but after Granny kicks the bucket you find yourself inexplicably missing those fucking things.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:51 am
“This is about me. I’M ABOUT ME!”
Madden was great for the masses and incredibly frustrating to anyone who knows the X’s and O’s of football. He had so much more to offer, but instead he just liked to fuck around with scribbling inane shit on the screen.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:52 am
My favorite Madden announcing memory was when he said the length Brett Favre’s cock was less than inches, but cubic inches.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:53 am
Madden is the author of several New York Times best-selling books: Hey, Wait a Minute! (I Wrote a Book!)
Hey, Wait a Minute! I’m Retarded!
April 16th, 2009 at 11:58 am
Yes, instead of an entertaining old guy, we get Cris Collinsworth’s holier-than-thou shitspeak! Great. I’m glad Madden is gone, so we can get guys we REALLY like into the booth, like…um…
Oh yeah, they’re all braying jackasses.
April 16th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
“I’m talking about me. ME, as a superstar.”
“When you took steroids, did it make your balls shrink?”
April 16th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Yes.
April 16th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Madden is going to work the land with Favre
April 16th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Turduckens throughout the land breathe a sigh of relief. Football fans too.
April 16th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
I’m so glad that fucktard Madden and those fucking marbles in his mouth are finally going to pasture…
Worst announcer ever.
oh and Ape, glad you’re flexing your book writing chops, but the Stealerz still blow.
/full of hate
//dick joke
April 16th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Lisa_from_Illnois Says:
April 16th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Yes.
looks like Ape has himself a lady fan.
April 16th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
I, for one, will miss John Madden extolling the virtues of anti-fungal medicine and hardware stores.
April 16th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
@SSB, don’t forget fake Australian steak house chains.
April 16th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
256 pages, eh? Sold.
April 16th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
@UU: Shit, I didn’t realize he did Outback too. That’s 300% more hilarious.
April 16th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Yeah, Madden lost his fastball some time ago, and yeah, he’s easy to make fun of now (i.e.–the Favre love run amok), but the game always felt more important when he called it. When he and Summerall were in their hey-day, they were tremendous.
BTW: I get it that Collinsworth is everyone’s darling today, and he is a good analyst. He will probably get a more high profile gig now that Madden is moving aside and there will probably be some reshuffling of announcers as a result. But the same people that love this guy now will also look to bury him as he gets more widely exposed as a smarmy prick.
/dick joke
//how much Stiller love will Ape fit into his book?
April 16th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
farthammer + many
I nominate Gay Zorro to do the audio version of Ape’s book. Ole’!
April 16th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Actually, I don’t now why everyone hates Madden. I kind of like his broadcasts.
April 16th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
WHO WILL HAWK THE MADDEN VIDEO GAME?
EA Sports – if you think I’m buying “Troy Aikman Football 2010″ you got another thing coming.
April 16th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
You know what I’ll miss the most about Madden? That gorgeous, angelic face of his. Not since a young Mel Gibson has there been a man so easy on the eyes.
April 16th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
hilarious profanity-laden books about sports that will change the way you live and love.
Tunison, are you saying your book is going to turn me gay? Because it won’t; looking into your black-enhanced eyes already did the trick. RAWR!!!
April 16th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
“hilarious profanity-laden books about sports that will change the way you live and love.”
Monster Ballads already taught me how to love, they taught me how to live.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pNCiXKpO94g
April 16th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
But what kind of salsa are you having at the book launch party?! Classic? Black bean? Something crazy like peach? THESE ARE THE QUESTIONS TO WHICH I NEED ANSWERS!!
April 16th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
FMRA, everyone knows that mango is the correct choice for fruit in a salsa.
April 16th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
There’s ALWAYS money for profanity.
P.S. Hell yes.
April 16th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Wait, so how long do I have to wait before I can steal Ape’s book from Borders?
April 16th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Its bad enough that I bought a book written by an obese and slovenly Vikings fan and now you expect me to buy a book of crayon scribblings by a Stillers fan?
/loves profantity so much he’ll buy the book.
April 16th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
If there is one thing I love, it’s reading a manifesto. I can’t fucking wait!
April 16th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
To John Madden:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITZCr6gR8gA
Thank you for all the hilarious telestrator dongs throughout the years.
We salute you.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Frank Caliendo is on 24-hour suicide watch.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
So what happens to his video games now?
April 16th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
Gregg Doyel is a royal retard. I wish he would go away permanently.
April 16th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
Sure, Madden should have retired years ago before he became a rambling, repetitive, senile douche. But when he first started his broadcasting career and during his heyday he was the best color commentator, period. His passion and insights, unsual for that time frame…commonplace now, were a breath of fresh air.
Looking forward to the book.
April 16th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
I know I’ll be the first to run out and buy Tony Kornheiser Football 2010.
April 16th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
I know I’ll be the first to run out and buy Tony Kornheiser Football 2010.
Does it have a feature where you can play as Ron Jaworski and kick Tony squarely in the nuts?
April 16th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
Ape, I hoist a warm can of Natty Boh in your general direction.
If that’s not an anti-tribute, I don’t know what is.
I do look forward to buying your tome and hope that I get through more of it than the 1/3 of Drew’s disgraceful book.