The first hastily made Cleveland tourism ad, like the city it was promoting, was an utter disaster. According to the YouTube page, “So The Cleveland Board of Tourism was not happy with the first video that I turned in. In fact, they said that upon viewing it, three of the board members moved away.” But worry not, they’re at it again, and it looks as though they got it right this time. Great success, filmmaker. I almost want to move there to see the first gay quarterback to receiver combo.

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Welcome louche libertines to the latest installment of the mailbag for the anally adventurous and the roving of eye. This week, we entertain a few more questions than normal because brevity be damned. Sometime the load must be blown. The usual spate of anal curious male has given way to one dealing with rectally trepidatious gent. I feel your pain, Amanda. Be sure to send your address (or, you know, same goes to people with questions for future editions) here.

Let’s get it on.

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Lots of people complain that Twitter is a pointless waste of time.  And while that criticism is valid if you follow people who do nothing but re-tweet, I struggle to find a better source of wonder and wisdom than Martellus Bennett’s Twitter feed.  (To wit: “A man cannot send another man a smiley face n a txt message WTF”  So true, Marty.  So true.)

In case you don’t follow the flood of tweets from Marty B, yesterday he broke down his racial heritage.  It’s math-tastic:

I’m 1/4 Indian (my pocohontas skin tone gives that away) Im 4/8 Negro the way i say four gives it away (fo)1/6 pappadeaux 2/3 cowboy 1/19 11:51 AM Apr 29th from TwitterFon

Animal (part liger) 2/20 transformer and 7/35 blue bonnett Texas babamy. Wat r u 11:52 AM Apr 29th from TwitterFon

Oh and I’m 3/47 alien ET my 1st cousin 11:54 AM Apr 29th from TwitterFon

Jus found out I’m 1/80 Aggie thanks E. King Gill LOL I think that’s his name. He’s the reason for the whole 12th man tradition. 12:00 PM Apr 29th from TwitterFon

So, for anyone keeping count, Martellus Bennett is approximately 1.86 people.  Give or take.  And frankly, that sounds about right.

EVERYBODY OVERREACT! Pro Florio Talk has reported that a plane (possibly this one) flew from Minnesota to Hattiesburg, Mississippi yesterday morning before departing several hours later. Nobody is saying that the plane was carrying anyone from the Vikings organization, or that the plane flew there to meet with the town’s eccentric millionaire/resident lawnmower. That being said, OMG, Brit Far’s comin’ back! Somebody unfreeze Madden! [PFT] Update: Debunked. [Vikings Age]

Worried you may have contracted the deadly swine flu that is fast becoming a GLOBAL PANDEMIC THAT WILL MOST CERTAINLY KILL US ALL IN A LANDMARK EVENT THAT HISTORIANS WILL MOST CERTAINLY END UP NAMING “THE PORK DEATH”? Well, it’s important you know the symptoms, symptoms matching those of the recent victims seen above. And here they are.

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Hey, now! It’s your KSK Mailbag reminder. Got an arranged wife? Girlfriend still locked up in the pen? Have a punctured anus? Well then, you’d best email us tout suite, Mister. I assure you there’s no sexual or football-related problem you have that we can’t tackle. What’s that? You like piping tadpoles into your anus and then having a gorilla slap you in the testicles? Okay, maybe there are some things we can’t cover.

The Redskins know how to pick ‘em. Cody Glenn, the fifth-round pick of the Washington Redskins, was suspended for three games last season as a member of the Nebraska Cornhuskers for an unspecified offense. When asked about the issue on a conference call Glenn told reporters the suspension was punishment for scalping tickets. Yeah, that wasn’t true. Glenn has admitted that he was lying about the reason for the suspension, but he still hasn’t provided the actual reason which leaves us to speculate wildly. Like hey, maybe he shoved an un-shucked cob up Herbie Husker‘s cornhole. But is that really worth a three-game suspension? I’m pretty sure that’s an unofficial tradition in Lincoln. [Washington Post]

We don’t mean to pile on the Titans today, but it’s one thing to eat in excess. That’s bad enough. But when food crosses the line from merely a source of nourishment to full-on plaything and sole source of entertainment, that there’s a problem. And then to set spasms of flinging food to punk and music from Dirty Dancing approaches the pathological. Perhaps one day LenDale White will seize control of his problem and achieve a healthy relationship with his food. And limit his intake to no more than four seals per sitting.

Thanks to reader Pacman’s Bodyguard

[PRESENT DAY. Tennessee Titans head coach JEFF FISHER is sitting in his office reading something. He hears a knock at the door]

JEFF FISHER: Come in. Oh, hello Vince.

[VINCE YOUNG walks in]

JEFF FISHER: Have a seat. How has the first mini-camp of the season been for you?

VINCE YOUNG: Fine.

JEFF FISHER: I’ve been meaning to tell you that I haven’t seen any improvement in your decision-making in the pocket, Vince. If you want me to open up the quarterback job to competition this fall, you’re gonna have to play a lot smarter out there.

VINCE YOUNG: Fine.

JEFF FISHER: Go through your progressions. Learn to evaluate what’s in front of you. And then make your decision and don’t back down from it. Don’t half-ass it out there. See it through to the end. That’s what you need to work on in practice today.

VINCE YOUNG: Fine.

JEFF FISHER: You alright, Vince? You seem a little distant today. Is something going on? Read the rest of this entry »

HBO has announced that is considering Cincinnati for the featured team on this year’s installment of Hard Knocks: Training Camp series. Instead of Jerry Jones scarfing down popcorn with Peter King, we should see the further examination of floating bacon, Carboat and, it being the Bengals, a host of extralegal activity. In retrospect, it appears Cincy knew of this all along when one looks at the character issues heavy draft class they put together this year.