This is Jules Asner. Oooooooh, Jules. Jules used to host “Wild On!” on E!, before Brooke Burke took over the show, followed by Tara Reid running the show into the ground (TARADISE!).

Anyway, the show consisted of Jules looking awesome and partying in the hottest party towns across the globe: Ibiza, Rio, Miami, Akron, and such and such. That was it. That was her job, for which she was no doubt handsomely compensated. I’m not sure there’s a better job in the universe than getting paid to go and have a great time on some production company’s tab. And so, with Jules in mind, we commence this week’s dream job draft.

Yes, we’re picking the fucking sweet jobs we wish we had, instead of soul-sucking career vortices we’re currently stuck in. These are the jobs occupied by the kind privileged fuckfaces who almost certainly don’t appreciate their positions the same way you or I might. LOOKING AT YOU, FILM CRITICS! Oh no, the Sundance Festival has been overrun with corporate interests! The horror! FUCK YOU. YOU GET TO HANG IN PARK CITY FOR A WEEK, SHITSHINGLES.

THE RULES: Choose a job. Must be an actual job. Let us also assume you are proficient enough at said job to be extremely successful at it, so that you can do it for as long as you wish. Two rounds. The order:

Drew
Punter
Flubby
Maj
Ufford
Ape

1. Drew – Rock Star

Duh. Easiest pick of the draft. HELLO, DONNINGTON! HOW DO YOU FUCKING FEEEEL TONIGHT?!

/60,000 people roar

That’s quite a nice feeling.

2. Punter – dead deer gonzo porn film director Vice President of the United States.

“All of the executive perks. None of the responsibiliity.”

Plus, you get your own private assassination squads! Nice. I need you to fly to Havana and assassinate this man POST HASTE!

3. Flubby – NBA 12th man

“decent cake and you rarely have to break a sweat”

Yes, but then wouldn’t backup QB really be the best benchwarmer gig?

4. Maj – NBA GM

“I like basketball.”

Ooooh! Oooh! MAJ SHOULD RUN THE BUCKS! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

5. Ufford – Acclaimed Travel Writer

“Travel. Write. Repeat.”

Ape says: “Travel writing is the sweetest plum in newspapers. Write about your vacation on the publication’s dime. No wonder every one wants to do it.”

Drew says: “It’s an even sweeter job at the magazine level. Read an issue of Gourmet magazine and you will be filled the white hot jealous rage of a thousand OJ Simpsons.”

6. Ape – College professor with tenure

“Mah workin’ days are over. As are my days of wearing pants or considering the opinions of others.”

/pictures Ape playing the African drum in the subway

7. Ape – Film Director

“That’s auteur to you.”

8. Ufford – FDNY firefighter

“Nice warm feeling of public service. (Ed. Note: That’s really worth something?) Brutally masochistic workouts that lend to camaraderie. Lots of time off. Good benefits. You can live in New York but aren’t surrounded by disaffected overeducated jackasses. Oh, and YOU PUT OUT FIRES FOR A LIVING.”

Yeah, but fire can be awfully hurty.

9. Maj – Master Brewer

“Pretty sure I don’t need any explanation as to why this would be fucking awesome.”

Coming soon: Stout Jack Stout, from Pretzel Boy Breweries.

10. Flubby – Assistant Manager

“Because no one ever asks to speak with the Assistant Manager.”

11. Punter – Professional golfer.

“But then what would I do on vacation?”

I assume engage in some kind of forcible entry.

12. Drew – Movie Star

Movie star AND rock star? I’m a double threat! Call me Drew-Lo.

Honorable mentions:
-Travel Show host
-Head of programming, NBC (you get to fire Lorne Michaels, Jay Leno, and Jimmy Fallon all in one swoop. FUCK AND YES)
-Host of Jeopardy (THIS IS DREWPARDY)
-Late night talk show host
-Host of anything, really

Yours in the comments. Kindly take one job at a time, then wait 10 picks before selecting again.