Things Have Soured For the Sulk
Josh McDaniels: All right, things are a bit strained with Cutler at the moment, but I think we can smooth things over if we just talk to the guy some, explain where we were coming from. These players forgive a lot easier than they let on.
Pat Bowlen: Remember, son, you gotta handle this guy with the kid gloves sometimes.
Josh McDaniels: Gotcha.
Pat Bowlen: Walk on eggshells…
Josh McDaniels: Okay.
Pat Bowlen: Weigh your words…
Josh McDaniels: All these phrases mean the same thing.
Pat Bowlen: Just make the call, smartass.
[Phone rings]
Jay Cutler: [Exhales] Yeah?
Josh McDaniels: Hey Jay. Been a crazy couple weeks, right? [Forced laugh] I know you’re none too happy with me, or the organizational the moment, so I wanted us to clear the air some.
Cutler: Fine. Whatever. I don’t care. Did you trade me yet?
Bus Cook: Hope you guys don’t mind if I get in on this call, too.
Josh McDaniels: Hey Bus. No, Jay. This organization has made it clear that we will not be trading you.
[Hits speaker phone button]
…unless Matt Cassel becomes available again!
[Gives thumbs up to Bowlen]
Pat Bowlen: That wasn’t the mute button, Josh.
Josh McDaniels: … Goddammit.
Bus Cook: Lemme just step in here a moment, fellas. I know you can’t see it over the phone, but my client just got a little bit more despondent about his current situation. I think we’re closing in on the point where we might want to consider parting ways.
Josh McDaniels: Okay, okay. I know we should have been more forthcoming about our intentions. The move for Cassel wasn’t an indictment of your abilities, Jay. It only speaks to the comfort level of a quarterback I’ve worked with in the past.
Jay Cutler: Whatever. Still tried to trade me.
Josh McDaniels: This is true, but isn’t it also true that you were putting out feelers for a trade before that point?
Jay Cutler: Nuh-uh!
Josh McDaniels: Yes you did. Other team executives have confirmed this.
Jay Cutler: They lie!
Josh McDaniels: Let’s be adults here, Jay.
Bus Cook: This isn’t doing any good for my client’s outlook, gentlemen.
Pat Bowlen: Hold up for a second, Josh. Look, Jay, this is a business, son, we’re looking for our interests as you do yours. You got an ax to grind with us? Well, hell, can’t do hell of a lot about that. But we gotta be mature here. We still got ourselves a job to do, y’hear?
Jay Cutler: Can’t you trade me? I don’t wanna be here. I don’t wanna!
Pat Bowlen: LISTEN YOU SNIVELING LITTLE COCKDRIP, YEAH, WE TRIED TO TRADE YOU! YEAH, YOU WANTED TO BE TRADED BEFORE THAT! WE BOTH DONE WRONG BY ONE ANOTHER! GROW A SACK AND ACCEPT THAT FACT THAT BUSINESS DECISIONS ARE NOT A PERSONAL AFFRONT TO YOU! YOU WANT A TRADE? TOUGH TITTY, BOY!
Bus Cook: Now you done it. I hope you’re happy. He’s gonna be in that emotional shell for months.
Pat Bowlen: Get Elway on the phone.
Jay Cutler: [Sniffs] He forced a trade once.
Pat Bowlen: YOU COULDN’T FORCE A TRADE HALF AS GOOD AS ELWAY!
Tags: cutlersulker, denver broncos
March 11th, 2009 at 11:31 am
Trade Cutler for Trent Edwards, he went to Stanford just like Elway!
/would love to see this happen
//never will happen
March 11th, 2009 at 11:31 am
And the demands for the Skins to trade for him begins in 3…2….1…
March 11th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Could cutler have forced a signing of an old diva wide receiver half as well as Trent Edwards?
March 11th, 2009 at 11:38 am
Dear Jay,
The grocery store I work for just hired a new manager and he’s a total dick. He used to be assistant manager at Walmart and now he’s trying to bring in the produce manager from there to replace me! What do I do?!
Signed,
Going Bananas
Your job sucks. You should get a better one.
…
Hey, wait, is this McDaniels making fun of me?? Fuck you Coach! I never got treated this way at Vanderbuilt! Maybe I’ll just try getting myself traded to Tennessee where they’ll appreciate me! After all, they embrace that racist alcoholic Collins and let Young going around without a shirt on. I’d be a hometown hero!
March 11th, 2009 at 11:43 am
Wow, Ape. You’re photoshop skills have really improved since Jane Seymour’s Signature Red Skidmark series. Still available at Kay’s.
March 11th, 2009 at 11:50 am
[forced laugh]
not really, good job as usual. I would still prefer cutler to whatever the Jets have right now. I would gladly trade the 17th pick in the draft for him and he would cheer up because he would feel twice as valuable as cassel.
March 11th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Elway is a fag.
March 11th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
I never noticed how crooked Cutler’s nose was until being slapped in the face with multiple Fuckler pics in a row.
[Jags front office door flies open...get Cutler in here now damnit!]
March 11th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Nice subtle tear stains on that last pic. Also, no diabetes jokes? What are you KSK guys shying away from this cornucopia of mirth for? Geez, it’s not like you guys have integrity.
/awful diabeteszy
March 11th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Is this Cutler guy as dumb as he looks? Cause he looks really really dumb. I realize many people don’t photograph well, but…
March 11th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Breaking news -
Josh McDaniels just sent Jay Cutler a pony as a peace offering.
March 11th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
I was waiting/hoping for Bowlen to rip off his mask and reveal himself to be Marmalard Rivers. WHAT? HUH? WHAT? FUCK YOU!
Nice job with the Photoshop by the way, those frowns look real. Tag this with “good MS paint”.
March 11th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Is this Cutler guy as dumb as he looks?
Yes
March 11th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Cutler looks like an apathetic British prick.
March 11th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
As for the British tendencies he probably has a fag in his mouth on occasion.
March 11th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
Cutler is the human physical and emotional equivalent of a bassett hound. You look at those sad puppy dog eyes and want to pat him on the head, but then you realize that he’s kind of an insolent prick who really just wants to be left the hell alone.
March 11th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Was very ok until the “You can’t force a trade half as good as Elway”, at which point it was packed with win.
March 11th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Highlight of the Column:
Josh McDaniels: Hey Bus. No, Jay. This organization has made it clear that we will not be trading you.
[Hits speaker phone button]
…unless Matt Cassel becomes available again!
[Gives thumbs up to Bowlen]
Pat Bowlen: That wasn’t the mute button, Josh.
Josh McDaniels: … Goddammit.
March 11th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
When Cutler reports for offseason workouts, McDaniels will take him out to Chuck E Cheese’s and everything will be smoothed over.
March 11th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
Photoshop is Gold haha Fuck the Broncos and McDbag
March 11th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Anyone checked Cutler’s Livejournal yet? Inquiring minds want to know about Current Mood and/or Song.
/not looking forward to the Chris Simms Era
//Stefan Fatsis was right
March 11th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Is this the birth of Emo Cutlerfucker? If that’s the case, he’s too emo for the Jets. The Emo Eagles fans need to start cutting letters into themselves to the Eagles GM to get him and trade McFlabb.
They never wanted Donovan in Philly to begin with.
March 11th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
“You’ve never heard of me? I VERY famous.”
“Do you John Elway?”
“Well, no.”
“You’re really famous and you DON’T know John Elway?”
March 11th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Anyone else hearing Jay Cutler as Droopy Dog?
“That’s not nice, Coach.”
March 11th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Is it wrong that I think of this guy as “The Cutlerfucker” all the time now?
March 11th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Either Droopy Dog or Hans Moleman after he’s taken a football to the groin.
March 11th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
@ Spilly:
/not looking forward to the Chris Simms Era
During one of those moments at work where I’m staring into space, I came up with the thought of a Cutler-for-Jason Campbell deal, and figured it might not be a bad idea. Especially since you just know that Snyder would give up a lot just to have him.
March 11th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Huckleberry Hound works too. Same inbred southern drawl.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umybak2U_4Y&feature=related
March 11th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Yeah, Cutler’s a Vandy Dandy, so Huckleberry Hound’s voice works, too.
Next week on Behind The Laughter: Jay Cutler.
“I was SO gay but I couldn’t tell anyone!”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyZs3EJgx8Q
March 11th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Wait, did Bowlen really hire his paperboy to be the Broncos’ head coach?
March 11th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
Dammit Tourettsa! The first thought I had after Navin said “Huckleberry Hound” was the “I was sooo gaaay…” line. Glad you found the YouTubeage…speaking as a transplant to Denver, I’d love to see that morose motherfucker traded. You get to play football in one of the best cities in the country. SMILE GODDAMN YOU!
Cutler to Detroit for 1st pick – take Stafford, start the new era…
March 11th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
Uglier afc West player: cutler (pictured above), or Zach Miller:
http://www.nfl.com/players/zachmiller/profile?id=MIL625718
March 11th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
“Denver? The Sunshine State! Gorgeous!”
Denver is a great city, the fans in Colorado are die-hard, yet forgiving, and the Broncos are a solid organization that always fields a competitive team. Cutlerfuck could (and probably will, at some point) do a lot worse in another NFL city. Try Oakland, asshole.
March 11th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
Cutler is giving Basset Hounds throughout the Denver area a bad fucking name…
March 11th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
@Otto
I hear a combination of Droopy and Wynona Ryder from Heathers.
March 12th, 2009 at 12:49 am
dumb