Josh McDaniels: This is disintegrating by the minute. What a disaster. My relationship with my starting quarterback might be strained irreparably. My star receiver almost got charged with disorderly conduct. And our new safety Brian Dawkins already got infected with Power AIDS.

[Phone rings]

McDaniels: Hello?

Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask so-

[Coughs]

Ahem.

Hey Josh! This is Chargers GM A.J. Smith. How’s it going, guy? Good to finally chat at ‘cha. Say, I couldn’t help hearing that you were trying to shop Cutler.

McDaniels: As a matter of fact, I have been. Whaddaya have in mind? This mean you’re interested in swapping with Rivers?

Rivers: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HO HO HO HO HO

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[Wipes away tear]

Ooooohhh Josh, Josh. That’s gold, man. That’s a shart and a half. Never knew you were funny like that. Cutler for Rivers? Sure, and then you can dip my wife’s tits in apple butter and scrape ‘em on your toast.

McDaniels: So what kind of deal are you trying to set up?

Rivers: Cutler for Tomlinson. Pretty even on team leadership. AND we throw in a 2nd round pick to sweeten the pot. ‘Cause 2nd round picks are the new 1st round picks.

McDaniels: Okaaaaay. That’s decent value, but why would you want another starting quarterback? And what would we do at QB?

Rivers: Here’s the thing: we got Merriman rehabbing, striving to get back in shape for the season, but the guy needs to work on the raping. It’s a real central part of his game. The problems with the knee have made it difficult for him to procure victims to force himself upon, and he really prefers to have his way with a quarterback. Now, we can’t use Rivers for that. Far, far too valuable. And Volek has language in his contract that forbids that. Sneaky Jew agent got us there. We keep trying to sign some practice squad scrub QB for it, but they inevitably get wind of what we’re trying to do before they sign a contract. Plus Cutler has that vulnerable-looking pout that really sets Shawne’s cockteeth on edge. It’s true, he has little teeth in his urethra. Pity the team doctor who discovered that.

McDaniels: And our QB situation?

Rivers: Hey guy, I can’t tell you how to run your team. Since you’re so adamant about having a guy you coached in New England, why not make a play on that Kevin O’Connell fella. He knows the McDaniels Way! Plus, wouldn’t the ultimate imprint on your era be rebuking Shanahan’s philosophy and pick up a feature back?

McDaniels: Dunno, man. Just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense for our club right now. Gonna have to pass.

Rivers: JUST SAY YES, YOU LILY-TESTACLED COCKTWEEZER! CUTLERFUCKER’S GONNA BE THE END OF YOU! HE’LL PUT THE SULKFACE CHICKEN WING ON YOUR CAREER! 38 COACHES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA, ALL THANKS TO THAT FROWNYFACE TEABAGGER! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? FUCK YOU!

McDaniels: Goddammit, this is Rivers, isn’t it? You little spastic piece of shit, quit wasting my time.

[Hangs up]

[Phone rings]

McDaniels: Hello?

Rivers: JOSH, pally. Lions GM Martin Mayhew here. Straight-up: all our linemen and receivers and entire draft for Cutler. We’re gonna let him run a one-man offense. We’re talking revolutionary shit. How’s about it? Let’s talk deal.

McDaniels: Fuck off, Rivers.

Rivers: STRADDLE SHIT, MCSPANIELS!

[Hangs up]

[Phone rings]

McDaniels: [Aggitated] Hello Rivers.

Rivers: Hi. This is Defense Secretary Robert Gates. We’re out of minesweeping dogs, so we thought we’d use your quarterback instead. ALSO, GET FUCKED! WAY TO RUIN YOUR TEAM A MONTH INTO THE JOB! IT TOOK NORV AT LEAST THREE MONTHS!