The Swirl and the Sulk of the Trade Winds
Josh McDaniels: This is disintegrating by the minute. What a disaster. My relationship with my starting quarterback might be strained irreparably. My star receiver almost got charged with disorderly conduct. And our new safety Brian Dawkins already got infected with Power AIDS.
[Phone rings]
McDaniels: Hello?
Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask so-
[Coughs]
Ahem.
Hey Josh! This is Chargers GM A.J. Smith. How’s it going, guy? Good to finally chat at ‘cha. Say, I couldn’t help hearing that you were trying to shop Cutler.
McDaniels: As a matter of fact, I have been. Whaddaya have in mind? This mean you’re interested in swapping with Rivers?
Rivers: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HO HO HO HO HO
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[Wipes away tear]
Ooooohhh Josh, Josh. That’s gold, man. That’s a shart and a half. Never knew you were funny like that. Cutler for Rivers? Sure, and then you can dip my wife’s tits in apple butter and scrape ‘em on your toast.
McDaniels: So what kind of deal are you trying to set up?
Rivers: Cutler for Tomlinson. Pretty even on team leadership. AND we throw in a 2nd round pick to sweeten the pot. ‘Cause 2nd round picks are the new 1st round picks.
McDaniels: Okaaaaay. That’s decent value, but why would you want another starting quarterback? And what would we do at QB?
Rivers: Here’s the thing: we got Merriman rehabbing, striving to get back in shape for the season, but the guy needs to work on the raping. It’s a real central part of his game. The problems with the knee have made it difficult for him to procure victims to force himself upon, and he really prefers to have his way with a quarterback. Now, we can’t use Rivers for that. Far, far too valuable. And Volek has language in his contract that forbids that. Sneaky Jew agent got us there. We keep trying to sign some practice squad scrub QB for it, but they inevitably get wind of what we’re trying to do before they sign a contract. Plus Cutler has that vulnerable-looking pout that really sets Shawne’s cockteeth on edge. It’s true, he has little teeth in his urethra. Pity the team doctor who discovered that.
McDaniels: And our QB situation?
Rivers: Hey guy, I can’t tell you how to run your team. Since you’re so adamant about having a guy you coached in New England, why not make a play on that Kevin O’Connell fella. He knows the McDaniels Way! Plus, wouldn’t the ultimate imprint on your era be rebuking Shanahan’s philosophy and pick up a feature back?
McDaniels: Dunno, man. Just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense for our club right now. Gonna have to pass.
Rivers: JUST SAY YES, YOU LILY-TESTACLED COCKTWEEZER! CUTLERFUCKER’S GONNA BE THE END OF YOU! HE’LL PUT THE SULKFACE CHICKEN WING ON YOUR CAREER! 38 COACHES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA, ALL THANKS TO THAT FROWNYFACE TEABAGGER! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? FUCK YOU!
McDaniels: Goddammit, this is Rivers, isn’t it? You little spastic piece of shit, quit wasting my time.
[Hangs up]
[Phone rings]
McDaniels: Hello?
Rivers: JOSH, pally. Lions GM Martin Mayhew here. Straight-up: all our linemen and receivers and entire draft for Cutler. We’re gonna let him run a one-man offense. We’re talking revolutionary shit. How’s about it? Let’s talk deal.
McDaniels: Fuck off, Rivers.
Rivers: STRADDLE SHIT, MCSPANIELS!
[Hangs up]
[Phone rings]
McDaniels: [Aggitated] Hello Rivers.
Rivers: Hi. This is Defense Secretary Robert Gates. We’re out of minesweeping dogs, so we thought we’d use your quarterback instead. ALSO, GET FUCKED! WAY TO RUIN YOUR TEAM A MONTH INTO THE JOB! IT TOOK NORV AT LEAST THREE MONTHS!
Tags: cutlerfucker, marmalard, xmas ape
March 2nd, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Ahhh yes great stuff, nothing like a good Rivers post
March 2nd, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Plus Cutler has that vulnerable-looking pout that really sets Shawne’s cockteeth on edge. It’s true, he has little teeth in his urethra. Pity the team doctor who discovered that.
I fear that the image of ‘cockteeth’ will replace ‘mouth eyes’ in my nightmares.
March 2nd, 2009 at 1:59 pm
As a Broncos fan who went from absolute joy with the FA signings so far to panic and despair with the Cutler-McDaniels drama, this really cheered me up.
The only trade I would accept is Cutler for Brady. On that note I am also having sex with Megan Fox.
March 2nd, 2009 at 2:03 pm
This made my Monday so much better.
Thank you, Ape.
March 2nd, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Am I a bad person for initially thinking this post was about the players missing at sea? You know, ’cause of the title?
March 2nd, 2009 at 2:14 pm
“Pity the team doctor who discovered that.”
He did win the nobel for discovering the species Rapiest Aidsiest Ape though.
March 2nd, 2009 at 2:20 pm
I have the Photo Shopping skills of a small Labrador Retriever, so I can’t really criticize.
But since this is the internet where all anonymous yahoos are experts, it would have been nice to see some fake mustaches and disguises on Marmatard in those photos.
March 2nd, 2009 at 2:27 pm
@Sundayhop: Not all of us are that jaded.
March 2nd, 2009 at 2:38 pm
I’m so hard. People are confused as to why?
Thanks Ape!
March 2nd, 2009 at 2:39 pm
I thought about doing that, Otto, but he is only on the phone, though I guess Rivers would go that extra pointless mile.
March 2nd, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Nightmare fuel tag on the baby wrist to grandma telephone hand collage? Terrifying.
March 2nd, 2009 at 3:01 pm
So, is Merriman’s final test before he gets a clean bill of health to successfully rape this girl?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teeth_(film)
March 2nd, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Dammit, forget I even bothered.
March 2nd, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Finally, some Merriman rape I could get behind. Support. I mean rape I could support.
March 2nd, 2009 at 3:06 pm
“Now, we can’t use Rivers for that. Far, far too valuable.”
I’m guessing this is the first and last time Rivers and valuable are mentioned together.
March 2nd, 2009 at 3:06 pm
That’s some good shit right there Ape! It was a killer fucking read while cracking open a cold one after a job interview. Preesh!
March 2nd, 2009 at 3:07 pm
though I guess Rivers would go that extra pointless mile.
Precisely my point.
Don’t try to tell me you were too busy. I listened to the podcast.
March 2nd, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Good luck with the job, dAndy. I know a lot of employers consider “drinking by 3pm” a good sign.
March 2nd, 2009 at 3:45 pm
@dAndy
“THIS IS THE FUCKING CATALINA WINE MIXER! … You gotta have BIG BALLS.” “I wanna make bank, I wanna score some ass bro”
/all bro’d out
March 2nd, 2009 at 3:50 pm
ALSO, jeez punte, that WL post was just wrong.
/discreetly hides joke about a Raider and a Lion being ‘lost at sea’ as the most ironic metaphor since “shooting yourself in the Plaxico” under my arm.
March 2nd, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Bra-vucking-vo Ape.
Cutlerfucker vs. Marmalard is right there with Ocho and Marvin for guarenteed winner when I get home from work.
March 2nd, 2009 at 4:00 pm
This was brilliant!
March 2nd, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Been waiting for that for a while and you absolutely did not disappoint.
March 2nd, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Seriously, Ape. Out-fucking-standing. Why do I believe that Marmalard is actually capable of these antics in real life. And if Merriman’s rape of Cutler is inevitable, the JC should just sit back and enjoy it. It would probably the first thing he looks like he enjoyed since that time in 4th grade when his bike seat fell off riding home from school.
/Always good to work a reference to the General
/dick joke
March 2nd, 2009 at 4:14 pm
You complete me, Ape. You complete me.
March 2nd, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Between twittering and making prank calls, Marmalard better find some time to work out.
March 2nd, 2009 at 4:18 pm
McDaniels: [Aggitated] Hello Rivers.
For those of you who don’t know, “aggitated” is what happens when a Texas A&M alum gets nervous.
March 2nd, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Rollie Fingers mustache? +2 Ape.
March 2nd, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Is it a problem that the point where I started laughing aloud was at the word “raping”?
March 2nd, 2009 at 4:24 pm
I have no trouble believing that Marmalard likes to play dress up.
March 2nd, 2009 at 4:36 pm
Why wouldn’t McDaniels infect Cutler with Power AIDS and that way make sure guys like Merriman get it when they rape him?
March 2nd, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Ape takes requests now? Can you photoshop Lucy Pinder’s breasts on Ben Roethlisberger?
March 2nd, 2009 at 5:12 pm
Is Rivers The Comedian is that last picture? If so, could we please see him get tossed from a 20th story window?
March 2nd, 2009 at 5:21 pm
Look for the Broncos to target Mark Sanchez early because of his experience in raping: “In April 2006, Sanchez was arrested after a female USC student accused him of sexual assault”
March 2nd, 2009 at 5:24 pm
You had me at – “Sure, and then you can dip my wife’s tits in apple butter and scrape ‘em on your toast. ”
However, get help son. Get. Help.
March 2nd, 2009 at 5:51 pm
Otto Man Says:
March 2nd, 2009 at 4:14 pm
You complete me, Ape. You complete me.
Nice Jerry Maguire reference
March 2nd, 2009 at 5:54 pm
After a shitty, snow filled day this post has me feeling warm and happy.
Well done Ape.
March 2nd, 2009 at 6:20 pm
Sick all day from a goddamned sinus infection, and I wake up to Laserface and a Patfag.
Worth waking up.
March 2nd, 2009 at 6:59 pm
Hmm…no mention of Charlie Whitehurst in your post. Does that mean that Merriman’s cockteeth already ground him to bits?
No wonder Rivers’ Cutlerlust has skyrocketed…
March 2nd, 2009 at 8:49 pm
If you’re a prospective AFC West coach, does the interviewing team give you the D-Cell Battery To The Skull Test?
March 2nd, 2009 at 9:49 pm
Awesome post, Ape.
March 2nd, 2009 at 11:31 pm
Local Denver media is in a frenzy. They smell blood in the water. Someone has dared to consider making wholesale changes, and Donk fans are pissed. Who IS this punk kid, thinking he can come in and try to rebuild the franchise from the smoking hulk of the Scammyhan years. No rebuilding years. None.
BristerGriesePlummerCutler is the next Elway fer chrisssakes. I mean you’ve seen his performance on the field right? Godlike. He’s got a cannon for an arm and throws laser missiles from it.March 3rd, 2009 at 5:05 am
Great stuff!!!
March 3rd, 2009 at 6:51 am
@ Otto: Ape had me at, “You better ask so-” Also, it was 306pm and the time changes this weekend so it was really after 4pm. Now, what employer is going to have a problem with that? What? Huh? What? Fuck you!
March 3rd, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Seeing Marmalard with that little red mustache almost made me piss myself laughing. That’s just awesome.
March 4th, 2009 at 11:03 am
“Plus Cutler has that vulnerable-looking pout that really sets Shawne’s cockteeth on edge.”
Well, can’t top that today…