Ray-Ray’s Hell Burger
03.05.09
Ray Lewis: A’yo God Moe D, this free agency noise is dragging the hell out! I should’a been signed by now! Ray-Ray gots to get cash-in-hand, baby! WOOOOOOOO! [Waits for camera to arrive to form prayer circle]
God: There are many lucrative contracts available to you, Ray. The Jets, in particular, were generous in their offer. But you pressed them for more money and they then signed Bart Scott.
Ray Lewis: But I tole everybody I’d let you decide for me. That way, if my production were to somehow slip post-contract, I can pin it on a vengeful, inscrutable higher power. YA FEEL ME!? WOOOOOOOOOO! [High kicks with pyrotechnics]
God: I already told you to resign with the Ravens.
Ray Lewis: [Plays 30 pounds overweight] But you ain’t told the Ravens to up their contract offer! Ray-Ray don’t take no hometown discount! Ray-Ray don’t send out hometown circulars in your Sunday paper! You pay full price! WHY YOU TRYING TO SELL GOD’S LINEBACKER SHORT, GOD’S GOD!?
God: Considering your age and market value, remaining with the Ravens would be the wisest career move.
Ray Lewis: But I wanna go to Dallas! Baltimore don’t wanna give me top dollar. Top dollar’s the only dollar worth getting! C’MON, TELL GOD’S LINEBACKER TO GO TO DALLAS! WOOOOOOOOOO! [Does chicken dance]
God: Dallas doesn’t have the cap room, Ray.
Ray Lewis: Then make them have the cap room!
God: [Makes Dallas release T.O.] There.
Ray Lewis: [Sends playful text message to Demarcus Ware] Yee-hah! Gonna get that star. Texas is perfect. On one hand, they love God. On the other, they love murder. On the freakish malformed third hand, they love being fat. THREE FOR THREE, BABY! WOOOOOOOO!
God: Dallas still doesn’t want to sign you.
Ray Lewis: But I can’t resign with Baltimore now. They already lowballed my demands of $80 million guaranteed, unlimited supply of McGangBangs, a limited but plentiful supply of actual gang bangs and permanent immunity on any stabbings within 30 miles of the city. And they gotta trade for Ocho Cinco. Troubled brother needs the counsel only I can provide.
God: That is steep.
Ray Lewis: ‘Course it steep. You pay for quality! Dancing and fake leadership don’t come cheap! The Brett Favre of linebackers is an invaluable asset!
God: You should go ahead and accept the Ravens current incentive-laden offer of $24 million over three years.
Ray Lewis: Oh. [Plea bargains for lesser sentence] You gonna do me like that too, God? Just how much I making for being your linebacker? I wanna renegotiate. Satan might be needing him a new linebacker. And you know he don’t like using the draft. Lance Briggs ain’t gonna last him forever. And don’t try to franchise my ass neither. I’ll mail it in every week.
God: We don’t have any financial arrangement. “God’s Linebacker” is a tag you’ve applied to yourself.
Ray Lewis: I BEEN WORKING FOR FREE!? AW HEEEEEIL NAH! YOU OWE ME RETROACTIVE PAYMENTS, GOD’S GOD! WHERE’S MY PARADE?! WOOOOOO! [Threatens NFL GM to sign Keon Lattimore]
God: [Kills self]
Ray Lewis: Uh-oh! Godless Universe’s Linebacker gonna need a new home! WOOOOOOOO! [Plays several more years past his prime]
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/wasteland-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/haleysteelers-150x150.jpg)
It’s sooo cute that lil’ Ray-Ray believes his own media-hype.
If all the white-bread sports-media guys weren’t terrified of him no one would know who the eff Ray “Stabby McMurderer” Lewis is…
Shocking that a Ravens fan wouldn’t be in hysterics over this post. There’s one reference to Ray stabbing somebody. Most of the jokes are based on the fact that he’s an over-the-hill disingenuous attention whore who was ready to turn on the city he claims to love at the bat of an eye.
I’m sorry if I don’t find the constant bashing of the Ravens by Mike that funny, because honestly, the whole Ray Lewis stabbed someone joke stopped being funny a long time ago. Its not creative, and the whole post just isn’t funny, I love this site, and I like Mike’s posts despite the fact he’s a Steelers fan, but this post was just honestly not that funny. Just the same bullshit thats been shat out time and time again.
As a consumer of McGangBangs (we call them McChurgers) I fully recommend the experience, if you know a cardiologist.
i thought he’d go to tampa. for fuck’s sake, he got away with stabbing someone there.
Truly your best effort to date. I hope, nay pray, that we will be privy to this kind of conversation between T.O. and Drew R.
Best.
Ape Post.
Ever.
Honestly not that funny.
Well fuck me! Thank God you showed up to tell us that.
Did Debbie Downer show up again to read the entire post and make a four word comment? Assuming that’s your real name there Brad, nice creativity, how about you go read a blog about gardening or quilting or some other shit.
Now that I got that out of the way, “Crazy Ray” as my wife calls him should be talking in short quick, but hushed bursts. You know cause he’s got real deep and intriguing shit to say except it sound like its coming from someone who’s clearly off his meds. Otherwise this was funny and apropos that he was forced to re-sign with the Ravens.
Honestly not that funny.
Good use of [ray does stuff]s. But you forgot:
[snaps hapless Steeler running back's shoulder in half]
Ah yes, the highlight of the Ravens’ season: injuring Rashard Mendenhall. Wish I could top that somehow.
Thank you for bring the McGangBang to my attention Ape. I’ll probably change my tune after having one, but for now I thank you.
Oh and [Plea bargains for lesser sentence] may be my favorite action yet.
This said everything I ever thought about Ray but never quite found the words to.
Honestly, I thought Drew would have been the one with info on the McGangBang. You know, given that he’s the fatter one.
Anyway, it was good to see God make an offseason cameo.
So, what you’re telling me KSK, is that God…is dead?
/and no one cares?
Nice job, Ape.
Thanks for keeping ray-ray’s pants on.
/Visible shudder
Would the breakfast chicken and two McGriddles be the Morning McGangBang?
Good use of [ray does stuff]s. But you forgot:
[snaps hapless Steeler running back's shoulder in half]
Also: [jumps onto pile long after tackle has been made, then performs a traditional Native American rain dance]
Good use of [ray does stuff]s. But you forgot:
[snaps hapless Steeler running back's shoulder in half]
Good knives are very expensive.
Ray Lewis: Lord of the Dance
Peter King’s Peter King approves.
That would be a MacGangBang.
Not me, I’ve got a guy that works for me pursuing 2 McGangBangs as we fucking speak!
You mean a Scottish lass?
Anyone else slightly disapointed by the McGangBang link?
I was really hoping for an Irish lass.
God: [Kills self]
And now Kurt Warner’s picture makes sense.
I don’t believe god would off himself..check Ray-ray for knives at the door.
What??? You want me to believe that he didn’t stab him after he got DISRESPECTED like that?