Ray Lewis: A’yo God Moe D, this free agency noise is dragging the hell out! I should’a been signed by now! Ray-Ray gots to get cash-in-hand, baby! WOOOOOOOO! [Waits for camera to arrive to form prayer circle]
God: There are many lucrative contracts available to you, Ray. The Jets, in particular, were generous in their offer. But you pressed them for more money and they then signed Bart Scott.
Ray Lewis: But I tole everybody I’d let you decide for me. That way, if my production were to somehow slip post-contract, I can pin it on a vengeful, inscrutable higher power. YA FEEL ME!? WOOOOOOOOOO! [High kicks with pyrotechnics]
God: I already told you to resign with the Ravens.
Ray Lewis: [Plays 30 pounds overweight] But you ain’t told the Ravens to up their contract offer! Ray-Ray don’t take no hometown discount! Ray-Ray don’t send out hometown circulars in your Sunday paper! You pay full price! WHY YOU TRYING TO SELL GOD’S LINEBACKER SHORT, GOD’S GOD!?
God: Considering your age and market value, remaining with the Ravens would be the wisest career move.
Ray Lewis: But I wanna go to Dallas! Baltimore don’t wanna give me top dollar. Top dollar’s the only dollar worth getting! C’MON, TELL GOD’S LINEBACKER TO GO TO DALLAS! WOOOOOOOOOO! [Does chicken dance]
God: Dallas doesn’t have the cap room, Ray.
Ray Lewis: Then make them have the cap room!
God: [Makes Dallas release T.O.] There.
Ray Lewis: [Sends playful text message to Demarcus Ware] Yee-hah! Gonna get that star. Texas is perfect. On one hand, they love God. On the other, they love murder. On the freakish malformed third hand, they love being fat. THREE FOR THREE, BABY! WOOOOOOOO!
God: Dallas still doesn’t want to sign you.
Ray Lewis: But I can’t resign with Baltimore now. They already lowballed my demands of $80 million guaranteed, unlimited supply of McGangBangs, a limited but plentiful supply of actual gang bangs and permanent immunity on any stabbings within 30 miles of the city. And they gotta trade for Ocho Cinco. Troubled brother needs the counsel only I can provide.
God: That is steep.
Ray Lewis: ‘Course it steep. You pay for quality! Dancing and fake leadership don’t come cheap! The Brett Favre of linebackers is an invaluable asset!
God: You should go ahead and accept the Ravens current incentive-laden offer of $24 million over three years.
Ray Lewis: Oh. [Plea bargains for lesser sentence] You gonna do me like that too, God? Just how much I making for being your linebacker? I wanna renegotiate. Satan might be needing him a new linebacker. And you know he don’t like using the draft. Lance Briggs ain’t gonna last him forever. And don’t try to franchise my ass neither. I’ll mail it in every week.
God: We don’t have any financial arrangement. “God’s Linebacker” is a tag you’ve applied to yourself.
Ray Lewis: I BEEN WORKING FOR FREE!? AW HEEEEEIL NAH! YOU OWE ME RETROACTIVE PAYMENTS, GOD’S GOD! WHERE’S MY PARADE?! WOOOOOO! [Threatens NFL GM to sign Keon Lattimore]
God: [Kills self]
Ray Lewis: Uh-oh! Godless Universe’s Linebacker gonna need a new home! WOOOOOOOO! [Plays several more years past his prime]
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.