Peter King Desperately Needs Coffee
When we left Peter King last week, he had just discovered the pleasures of casual dining and wooden bars at rural Ohio eating establishments like Toone P. Wiggins, marveled at the panoply of luxury dog bakeries in his chic new Boston neighborhood, and challenged Starbucks to reach the lofty standards of latte-producing excellence demonstrated by the South End Buttery. Oh, and I think he talked about football for at least a paragraph. Solid.
What incredible examples of non-reporting and mindless self-indulgence will we find this week? Join me as we once again take a tour of Peter King’s toxic, vanilla-scented brainspew…
But before I delve in, a brief note. Many of our commenters, understandably, feel a profound sense of annoyance at Peter King after our weekly breakdowns. This makes sense, since Peter King is a huge fucking tool. Unfortunately, this annoyance has fueled ever more angry comments, such as “I hope Peter King gets the shit beaten out of him”, or “I hope Peter King gets cornered in a dark Boston alley and is repeatedly raped with a fork until he bleeds to death.” People, people. Let’s not go overboard with our anger. If Peter King really WERE killed, who would be there to teach us to respect the sun? No one, that’s who.
So remember to appreciate your hatred for Peter King. Hating Peter King is such a personal joy of mine, I’d hate to see anything happen to it. Now let’s go tear this fat fuck a new one…
So you’ve come to the annual NFL meetings, or at least you’ve come to read about the meetings, looking for big news. Sorry to disappoint you. I’ve got Meeting McNuggets, but I don’t have the whole Porterhouse, mainly because there simply isn’t one.
Oooh, Meeting McNuggets! Made from mechanically separated meeting byproducts! Kids adore them. But rest easy, parents. These are all-white meetings, so you know they’re good for you. Very lean meetings.
News Item: I don’t see Jay Cutler getting traded.
Peter King last week: “Denver will have to strongly consider trading Cutler.”
Now, I can’t say with conviction that Cutler’s going to be the Broncos’ opening day starter,
Didn’t you just do exactly that? If you can’t say anything with conviction, then why the fuck are you saying it? “Hey guys, wanna hear an opinion that has no weight or usefulness? HERE COMES THE KANG!”
I called Charlie Weis, the Notre Dame coach and mentor of McDaniels, and asked what I considered the biggest question McDaniels must ask himself as he figures how far he’ll go to keep Cutler…
To which Weis responded, “Bacon. No one strays from bacon.”
If I have to kiss this kid’s feet and kowtow to him to make him feel comfortable enough to stay, is that any way to form a coach-player relationship with the most important player on the team? “It’s a rhetorical question, but it’s one I definitely would ask,” said Weis.
Because there’s no better person to ask about offensive leadership than Charlie fucking Weis. Ooh, look! I just saw Jimmy Clausen throw a ball directly into a lineman’s ass! That’s schemeriffic!
Last week, the venom from the Cutler camp was so toxic I said I thought he’d have to be traded. But it was interesting here, listening to former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice speak to the body of league people (including McDaniels) and media here Sunday night. She talked at one point about how “history has a long arc”…
A long arc? YOU SAID THIS A FUCKING WEEK AGO.
I was thinking of McDaniels and Denver management. I think, like Rice used to do in the Middle East, the Broncos will exhaust all diplomatic means.
So then McDaniels will pretend like he gives a shit about talking to Cutler. Then he’ll bomb the fuck out of Cutler’s house. Then he’ll move into Cutler’s house for seven years. THAT’S TOP NOTCH DIPLOMATTING.
I toured the 70-percent-complete (Cowboys) stadium last October, and it’s just like what Elaine Benes found out about the Teri Hatcher-girlfriend character’s northern endowment on Seinfeld: It’s real, and it’s spectacular.
Timely reference right there. Wait till you see the new Yankee Stadium, Peter. It’s like a deeeeluxe apartment in the sky!
The Mississippi tackle is probably the second- or third-most athletic tackle in this draft, and the book among some teams after the Scouting Combine was big money in the first round would ruin him, because of his well-publicized upbringing on the poor side of Memphis. But (Michael) Oher has impressed teams with his maturity and intelligence, and the fact is, he was adopted by an upper-class family in Memphis during his high-school years.
He was? WELL THAT SOLVES EVERYTHING. If Oher was taken in by a Montclair-caliber family, then surely they were able to tame his more primitive ways, and get him to appreciate things like nutmeg-flavored lasagna. Good life. GREAT life. THIS FAMILY SHOWED OHER THAT KIT KATS DON’T ALWAYS HAVE TO BE EATEN WARM, AND THAT IS WHAT MATTERS.
And responding to a question about the world’s most dangerous hotspots, (Rice) said we should look much closer to home than we have been — to the war being fought between Mexican law enforcement and the drug cartels threatening all strata of Mexican society. So I looked up a few things early this morning on the drug war, and I found this, from this morning’s New York Times, about how Tucson is being invaded by the drug culture and the resulting conflicts:
“This city, an hour’s drive north of the Mexican border, is coping with a wave of drug crime the police suspect is tied to the bloody battles between Mexico’s drug cartels and the efforts to stamp them out… Law enforcement authorities say they believe traffickers distributing the cartels’ marijuana, cocaine, heroin, methamphetamine and other drugs are responsible for a rash of shootings in Vancouver, British Columbia, kidnappings in Phoenix, brutal assaults in Birmingham, Ala., and much more.”
What a world.
Indeed. Who knew there was drug-related violence in America? “Hey everyone, I just read something in a major publication and would like you to know I am now aware of it! Next week, I want to talk to you about energy efficiency!”
the highlight for me was the most dogged of scribes among us, Bengals.com editor and writer Geoff Hobson — in a sidebar after Rice’s talk, with Steelers owner and U.S. Diplomat to Ireland-nominee Dan Rooney waiting to speak with her — asking about Rice’s affection for Paul Brown and one of her favorite teams, the Bengals.
“One of” her favorite teams? Condi, you are a fucking whore.
Say Peter, what happened to your efforts to get the NFL overtime rule changed?
The pro-overtime forces went out meekly this year.
Such bullshit. WHAT IF SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPENS TO THE MONTCLAIR PEDROIAS?
So this is what I root for: In the Super Bowl next year, I hope the game is tied after four quarters, and I hope the team that wins the toss to start overtime returns the kickoff to the 39, and I hope they advance the ball 21 yards in five plays, and on fourth-and-six from the opposing 38-yard line, the winners kick a 57-yard field goal.
That would be the best Super Bowl ever.
And I hope a 5-foot-9 kicker goes pirouetting in the air, pumping his fist while most of the free world shuts off the TVs feeling disgusted and 79,000 fans and one very ticked-off team leave the field feeling totally deflated.
Funny you mention that, since Peyton Manning never took the field in a playoff game against San Diego earlier this year and even THAT wasn’t enough to change the rule. THAT NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF TOONE P. WIGGINS HAD BEEN IN CHARGE.
Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me
The St. Regis Monarch Beach Resort and Spa must be doing quite well in the face of the economic downturn. I attempted to eat breakfast at two of its restaurants Sunday. I was turned away at one, with the place half-empty, because I was not a guest in the hotel. I was turned away at another because I was not a guest at the hotel and I did not have a reservation.
All those without a black AmEx card had better be full when they walk in the door here.
How dare they? Those insolent fucking pricks. Do they not know this was Peter fucking King they were turning down? The man who MADE the Capital Grille? Big fucking mistake, St. Regis. NOW PETER CAN’T WARN YOU ABOUT THE MEXICAN DRUG CARTELS.
Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week
Some of the media, SI included, chose not to fork over the $425 a night at the St. Regis and ended up a couple of miles down the Pacific Coast Highway at the Marriott Laguna Cliffs, a lovely place in its own right.
But???????
With one serious flaw.
Oh, I know where this is going.
Sunday morning, 6:17, I stumble down to the lobby, desperately needing coffee.
I can just picture Peter King frantically running out of an elevator in a hotel lobby, reeking of onion rings, wearing a blue bathrobe, with his hair all fucked up, manically demanding coffee from anyone he sees. “You, sir! Do you have coffee on you? Do you know where I can get it? I am Peter King. I am an important person in the Back Bay. I have a Macbook Air. Businesses hire me to speak for a small fee. Everyone knows how much I adore non-coffee flavored water coffee. MONEY ISN’T AN ISSUE. GIMME MY FUCKING COFFEE, BELLBOY!!!!! I’LL SUCK YO DICK!”
Any coffee. I look in the quiet lobby for a coffee urn, a coffee station, a coffee shop open to get a to-go coffee.
“I begin to shake. I go up to a stranger and begin sucking on a stain on his sweater. I pull a gun. I take hostages. I begin to hallucinate that everyone walking by is Juan Valdez with his trusty coffee mule. Oh, coffee mule. You bring me the coffee I need when I want to spend an evening talking amongst the trees. I can smell your deep, robust harvest right now. I MUST HAVE YOU! GAHHHHHHHHH!”
“Sorry, sir,” the front-desk guy said. “No coffee on the weekends ’til 7 a.m.”
Then you don’t define clutch!
That’s what I call a full-service hotel.
ZING! Uh oh, Marriott Laguna Cliffs. You just got the Omni Penn treatment. YOU’RE BROWNLISTED.
Maybe if the hotel manager had been adopted by an upper class family in Memphis, he’d understand the importance of having coffee ready and available so early in the morning.
Want a coffee at 6:30 on a Saturday or Sunday? Get in your car and go find one.
ZOMG! You poor thing! You actually had to go get in your fucking car to buy coffee at a nearby shop! My God. What a sacrifice. That’s the worst thing ever. We’re a society on the fucking brink here, people. If people like Peter King cannot get coffee on demand, how much longer until we’re rounding people up in camps and turning them into canned stew? Answer: NOT MUCH LONGER.
(UPDATE: The commenters have astutely pointed out the Laguna Marriott, like every other hotel, HAS COFFEE MAKERS IN EVERY FUCKING ROOM. But get this: they aren’t Krups! Is it really a coffee maker if it doesn’t froth milk?)
I think I keep hearing that Marvin Harrison is finished. He’s not even being pursued by any teams now, and I think he’ll never play again.
But you never know. History has a long arc.
Springsteen did a great job on The Jon Stewart Show the other night. Did “Working on a Dream,” alone, with a guitar and harmonica.
Thanks for the summary there. It’s as if I were in the audience! Did Jon Stewart also do a tiresome imitation of an Italian wiseguy at one point?
You can’t pay cops enough.
You can’t?
You just can’t.
Oh, okay.
Three cops dead, and a fourth gravely wounded, after a routine traffic stop in Oakland Saturday.
“I read about something again!”
We don’t tell police officers enough how much we value their service.
That’s because we offer them lifetime pensions and early retirement. I think cops tend to prefer that over a pat on the back.
Still, Peter makes a salient point. YOU PEOPLE DON’T RESPECT COPS ENOUGH. NOW THAT PETER HAS READ ABOUT IT, IT’S A FUCKING IMPORTANT ISSUE THAT MUST BE ADDRESSED IMMEDIATELY. I suggest we respect cops as we do the sun. If you see a cop, be sure to bring him fresh coffee. Take him to Jillian’s. Hire Travis Henry to speak to him about making mistakes.
Coffeenerdness: Peet’s may be outnumbered by four Starbucks here in Dana Point, but the drive to find the lonely little Peet’s is worth it.
THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD THANK THE FUCKING MARRIOTT FOR MAKING YOU DRIVE YOUR FAT ASS THERE.
They over-built in Orange County. So many people want ocean views that they crammed hundreds of units on the beautiful, weather-whipped hillsides and cliffsides of the county abutting the Pacific Ocean. And now the beautiful, weather-whipped hillsides aren’t so beautiful anymore.
“You people are ruining the view for my two days here!”
Couldn’t you just feeling a nation pulling for Siena yesterday?
Flubby says: Fuck and no.
I still think the best way to have a chance to win your tournament bracket every year — after the research the NCAA does putting the brackets together — is to take the team with the better seed in every game. That wouldn’t be as fun, but it would give you the best shot to win.
Last year was the first year ever all four top seeds advanced to the Final Four. Picking chalk will almost always end up fucking you over. You see, you never know which teams will have chemistry. Or even what chemistry is…
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, FJM style, fun with peter king, maybe he and the big lead could form a border patrol
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:24 am
I still think the best way to have a chance to win your tournament bracket every year — after the research the NCAA does putting the brackets together — is to take the team with the better seed in every game. That wouldn’t be as fun, but it would give you the best shot to win.
Did you know that chalk is made out of concrete cyanide?
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:25 am
Did you ever notice that Johnny Damon looks exactly like Juan Valdez? Striking!
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:27 am
Oher has impressed teams with his maturity and intelligence, and the fact is, he was adopted by an upper-class family in Memphis during his high-school years.
Yeah, but remember when he and his friend Dudley hung out with that pervert who owned the bicycle shop? He got them drunk on wine and made them pose for topless photos. That kind of shit will really mess a kid up, and no amount of Mr. Drummond love can erase it.
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:30 am
“This city, an hour’s drive north of the Mexican border, is coping with a wave of drug crime the police suspect is tied to the bloody battles between Mexico’s drug cartels and the efforts to stamp them out… Law enforcement authorities say they believe traffickers distributing the cartels’ marijuana, cocaine, heroin, methamphetamine and other drugs are responsible for a rash of shootings in Vancouver, British Columbia, kidnappings in Phoenix, brutal assaults in Birmingham, Ala., and much more.”
Dude I live in bham and they offed 5 mexicans in an apt complex down from my office…dude I work with lived in the complex…moral of the story…Drug are bad m’kay
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:30 am
“‘We’d like to see each team get one possession,” said Steelers president Art Rooney, but he was drowned out by those not wanting to add plays to the best game in the world. Heresy! More plays!
That’s the Super Bowl champion talking. Anyone listening?”
Nope.
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:31 am
http://www.lagunacliffs.com/accommodations/
Here at our AAA four-diamond Laguna Beach luxury hotel resort, you’ll find everything you need for a comfortable and memorable stay, including:
…
Coffeemaker, with complimentary coffee and tea
Still, given this, I don’t want Peter King to die.
Quickly.
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:32 am
Springsteen did a great job on The Jon Stewart Show the other night.
Is grandpa talking about The Daily Show? Or is there a special show that Jon Stewart does only for the elite flyers?
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:38 am
1) So Adam Viniteri doing that exact fucking thing in regulation three fucking times is no problem, but if he did that in OT it would be a travesty?
2) Every hotel I’ve stayed in for the past 10 years — from the $250-a-night luxury joints my company puts me in to the $35-an-hour hot-sheet fleabags where I take my hos — has a coffee maker in the room. Make you’re own damned coffee, you lazy fuck.
3) The Eagles wouldn’t offer the 27th pick because they don’t have it. They have 28. But even if they somehow offered the Colts’ pick for Boldin, the Cardinals still wouldn’t take it because they’d hold out for the Eagles’ pick at 21.
Doofus.
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:39 am
Wasn’t Oakland where the cop shot the handcuffed guy?
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:39 am
Now, I can’t say with conviction that Cutler’s going to be the Broncos’ opening day starter, but I do think coach Josh McDaniels will exhaust every avenue to try to get Cutler to stay, and I do think nothing’s going to happen here.
Is he going to be on the bench? I have Darrell Hackney as a keeper in my all-AFC West fantasy league with Bill Simmons, so it’s kind of a big deal.
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:41 am
that siena line drove me nuts. i live in albany and the amount of local media blowing that team of insufferable assholes has been unbearable. there was nothing i wanted more than for ohio state to beat that team of cocksuckers by 30 friday night.
oh, and that ohio state game was unbearable. if by “instant classic,” you mean “game sloppier than a JV girls game that was only saved by a guy miraculously throwing in 2 threes at the end,” then yes.
sorry. rant over. go away siena.
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:42 am
Condoleezza Rice: Lofty diplomacy. True diplomacy.
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:43 am
@ tracer- i thought that same exact thing about having a coffee-maker in the room. is it possible PK doesn’t make his own coffee because he is afraid he will make coffee-flavored water and have no one else to blame?
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:49 am
I want PK to die–but only after the mad scientists perfect the reanimation process so we can kill him every time he makes asinine statements like the new Texas Stadium is real. Really, PK? It’s not a simulacra? Whoda thunk it.
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:51 am
+1 mc
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:51 am
I hope he lives to a ripe old age.
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:51 am
I Google Map all the Starbucks near where I’ll be staying in advance of any trip I take.
You think I’m joking.
I’m not.
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:51 am
Yep. Every room at that hotel has a coffee maker.
http://www.lagunacliffs.com/accommodations/
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:53 am
… returns the kickoff to the 39, and I hope they advance the ball 21 yards in five plays, and on fourth-and-six from the opposing 38-yard line, the winners kick a 57-yard field goal.
Wouldn’t 21 yards forward progress put the ball on the 40? If not, the ball being on the 38 would make it a 55 yard field goal. Arithmetic? Not in Montclair. King just wants to work the land. 38 acres, 40 acres, what’s the diff?
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:55 am
Unfortunately, this annoyance has fueled ever more angry comments, such as “I hope Peter King gets the shit beaten out of him”, or “I hope Peter King gets cornered in a dark Boston alley and is repeatedly raped with a fork until he bleeds to death.” People, people. Let’s not go overboard with our anger.
Yes, especially now that we all know about “hemmorhoids popped by fingernails.”
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:56 am
yeah they have coffeemakers, Otto, but that assumes that every room has water.
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:58 am
When will Peter douchebag King learn, TV runs the NFL, not the other way around. They pay billions of dollars to broadcast those games. If they had rules to extend overtime, then 1pm games could eat into the 4pm games. TV does not want this.
If you want to avoid losing in overtime without ever touching the ball, do something better in the first 60 minutes to avoid being in that position in the first place.
“I’LL SUCK YO DICK!” For God’s sake, get PK his coffee. Or else, he’ll show up at your local coffee house in his blue robe, no underwear and an inability for the robe to stay closed.
/must punish self for inflicting horrible visual upon himself
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:00 pm
I was turned away at one, with the place half-empty, because I was not a guest in the hotel. I was turned away at another because I was not a guest at the hotel and I did not have a reservation.
Well maybe you should have forked over some of YOUR OWN FUCKING MONEY and gotten a reservation at that hotel if you wanted to eat their food and drink their coffee instead of being a cheap prick. “I can’t make my own coffee! I’m not a barista!” East shit and like it King.
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:01 pm
@TDub – Why in the world would you try to bring relevant perspective and history to a PK story.
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Not one thing about Brett Farve?! What gives Peter?
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:06 pm
FYI, Pete King mentioning McNuggets in his column just made me hungry for some McNuggets myslf. Off to McDonalds for lunch today. Thanks big guy!
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Christ on a bicycle, the perpetual bitching about the overtime rule makes it sound like PK and other critics want to script out the damn games. How does this fucking guy even have a job???
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:09 pm
less PK, more Marmalard. Im just sayin.
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:11 pm
Funny, I thought that hotel room coffeemakers would define clutch.
Maybe PK suffers from an affliction which renders him unable to make anything but the dreaded coffee-flavored water. Or maybe he’s just fucking lazy.
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Thank you for the Jeffersons theme song that will be running around in my brain the rest of the day.
mmmm…pie
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:18 pm
As Condi Rice can no doubt tell you, the Six Days War was precipitated by the Palestinians twice denying Jews access to breakfast service at the Golan Heights Resort and Spa in June of 1967. If the St Regis does not respond with meaningful concessions of numerous all-you-can-eat meal vouchers, it risks getting crushed by the long arc of history.
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Personally I wouldn’t use the in-room coffee makers. You never know how many disgruntled members of the cleaning staff gave the pot a nice urine rinse/windex wipe before you checked in.
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:21 pm
In regards to Siena…
They suck. I hate them. I wish a nuclear holocaust upon that campus…
Signed Marist, Class of 2005
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Where was the Peezy rant about respect? FIX YO SNARKY COMMENTARY!
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Justino -
Especially if they knew the room was going to be occupied by Peter King.
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:28 pm
You can’t control my mind Drew. I still want to sucker punch Peter in the junk and pour scalding coffee on him while he is writhing in pain
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:29 pm
So NFL teams are afraid to pay people who grew up poor? That, seems kind of messed up.
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:36 pm
@EDinCali,
I know, I know. We should all appreciate Oakland cops that confuse Tasers for Glock 9s.
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:37 pm
“big money in the first round would ruin him, because of his well-publicized upbringing on the poor side of Memphis.”
Uhh, aren’t 50+% of all draft picks from the poor side of some city? Does the NFL only pay 1st round money to middle class African Americans?
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:38 pm
@ LenDawsonApologist: 40 acres comes with a mule and a guarantee from the the white man that you’ll never get either.
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Is any 22 y.o. from the middle or lower classes ready to be an instant millionaire? Focusing on character is one thing, focusing on financial upbringing is just shitty.
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Peter King defines clutch…
and by clutch I mean when he clutches the sides of the toilet as he passes the solid formation of the 10 coffees he drank that hour.
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:39 pm
“Mighty fine restaurant you have there St Regis. It’d be a shame if I were forced to mention it in my column.” -PK
We’ve reached the point where King’s dining experiences are nothing more than bacon-flavored extortion for special treatment.
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Oh we definitely don’t respect cops enough… “just manage to scrape through that last year of high school?” “Well, here you go, it’s like a bonus penis only it’s made out of steel and shoots lead AND you get to carry it wherever you go.”
Trust us Peter, had your coddled upbringing not resulted in your supremely fucked up world view, you coulda been a cop or at least given Paul Blart a run for his money.
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:41 pm
1) So PK spent the weekend in the OC? Thought it felt a little fatter here.
2) The St. Regis is all that. Went to a company function there once…felt like I absolutely shouldn’t touch or even look at anything there (and I’m WHITE). It would bother me more if the St. Regis DIDN’T bitchslap a self-important shitbag like King. He’s like the wealthiest fish in a ghetto pond. “But…but…I’m Peter King!” “Sir, your gunt is frightening our guests. Please take your rented Caprice and leave. I believe there’s a Denny’s about 10 miles inland.”
3) Again, great work BDD.
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Awfully nice of whitey to take in that poor black child. I still don’t trust ‘em, though.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FhlbsJUJ9Q
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:59 pm
I’ll have to agree with Flubby that the entire nation was NOT pulling for Siena yesterday. Of course, Peter King has hated Louisville ever since our Jillian’s closed.
March 23rd, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Am I allowed to wish forkrape on PK, as long as I don’t also hope that it kills him?
March 23rd, 2009 at 1:14 pm
I bet that hotel lobby had coffee, they were just fucking with him because he was too stupid to find it himself.
March 23rd, 2009 at 1:20 pm
Try as I might, I can’t imagine a more self-involved, boring cocksucker. Fuck you Peter.
March 23rd, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Hey Peter a whole freaking column live from Dana Point California and you can’t even drive up to the City of Industry to check out our new NFL football stadium?
March 23rd, 2009 at 1:24 pm
@poop
I think they just told him that so he would check out and quit plugging up the toilet 5 times a day.
March 23rd, 2009 at 1:31 pm
I don’t wish anything hateful on PK. I hope he becomes a star. A movie star even. I want Double J to proclaim him a star as much as he does Romo.
A star I tell you, ……….of a gay snuff porn.
March 23rd, 2009 at 1:39 pm
@ SonofSpam
Wow, you felt beneath someplace? And you are white? I thought that was only reserved for brown, yellow, red, black etc. people.
That MUST be a nice place.
March 23rd, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Six months ago, PK was driving down a particularly relevant stretch of I-95 when suddenly the word “Cantstandja” was used in a satellite radio jingle. He says it all the time now although he has no idea where it came from or what it means…
March 23rd, 2009 at 2:08 pm
I know it might seem like we’ve beaten this chub’s chum to death but particularly egregious comment that no one’s jumped on: “But Oher has impressed teams with his maturity and intelligence, and the fact is, he was adopted by an upper-class family in Memphis during his high-school years. ” THE FACT IS??? How DARE he suggest that he’s providing us with some insight. The only reason he, or anyone else, for that matter, knows this, is because of Michael Lewis’ THE BLIND SIDE. I mean, it’s one thing to offer week after week of half-reasoned, half-reported drivel, but to actually pass off a nugget of information taken from one of the most widely read football books of the last two decades is actually borderline plagiarism. And frankly, I think that overcoming a plagiarism scandal is the one thing left that Petah King has yet to accomplish in his career. Consider it a “welcome to Boston” gift. Once he’s mea culpa-d by buying Peet’s gift certificates for Lewis’ entire family (including his long-lost cousin Ray-Ray), he can join the weekly plagiarist’s roundtables at Locke-Ober (featuring Mike Barnicle, Doris Kearns Goodwin, and Jon Landau.)
March 23rd, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Well mark this day down – March 22, 2009 – Peter King finds out that America has a “West Coast”. When he finds out about Kit Kat Chunky all hell will break loose.
March 23rd, 2009 at 2:14 pm
“The St. Regis Monarch Beach Resort and Spa must be doing quite well in the face of the economic downturn. I attempted to eat breakfast at two of its restaurants Sunday. I was turned away at one, with the place half-empty, because I was not a guest in the hotel. I was turned away at another because I was not a guest at the hotel and I did not have a reservation.”
“Oh fuck, here comes that fat bastard Peter King. Do we have fresh coffee brewed?”
“Ah fuck no. We’ve only got Maxwell House instant coffee! AND we’re out of Kit Kats”
“Does the bathroom still have a two-way mirror?”
“YES!”
“SHIT! Uh..tell him something – ANYTHING! – tell him we cant’ let him in because he’s not a guest!”
March 23rd, 2009 at 2:16 pm
And I hope a 5-foot-9 kicker goes pirouetting in the air, pumping his fist while most of the free world shuts off the TVs feeling disgusted and 79,000 fans and one very ticked-off team leave the field feeling totally deflated.
Don’t last second field goals happen pretty much ever single fucking week in the NFL? A bunch of Super bowls have ended with last second FG makes (or misses)? What the fuck is so special about overtime that its not legitimate to win a game with a field goal?
Teams are supposed to feel shitty about losing the Super Bowl, I don’t see how not losing in OT makes it any better. And since when are there 79000 real fans at the Super Bowl? Its all corporate whores with their corporate hooker companions who are out of town “on business”.
March 23rd, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Well mark this day down – March 22, 2009 – Peter King finds out that America has a “West Coast”. When he finds out about Kit Kat Chunky all hell will break loose
Holy shit they have a kit kat chunky? Sweet!
March 23rd, 2009 at 2:44 pm
If a coach has the sack to try a 57-yard FG in the super bowl, he deserves to win.
If a coach has the temerity to whine about losing 4 plays after giving up a long kickoff return in OT, only Peter King will listen (but he’ll still give it 3 pages in the next column)
March 23rd, 2009 at 2:45 pm
If a coach has the sack to try a 57-yard FG in the super bowl, he deserves to win.
If a coach has the temerity to whine about losing 4 plays after giving up a long kickoff return in OT, only Peter King will listen (but he’ll still give it 3 pages in the next column)
Oops, should have mentioned good post! Waiting on the next post!
March 23rd, 2009 at 2:47 pm
When it comes to covering his backside with multiple predictions, King is a rank amateur compared to Chris Mortenson. Mort is completely shameless about it, knowing that none of his fellow whores in the media will ever call him out on it. (Except for that nerd Easterbrook, who delights in chronicling every last multiple prediction made by writers and talking heads.)
King missed out, though, on the greatest recession-busting trick in the book — eat breakfast in the hotel restaurant, and then bill it to someone else’s room. The SI bean counters would be been thrilled.
March 23rd, 2009 at 3:14 pm
(1) Can you imagine being the poor desk clerk forced to deal with his assary at 6am?
(2) field goal to win the superbowl? oh noooooooo!!!!! why the day that happens football as we know it will be over and giant ants will land on earth and eat us alive. oh wait…
March 23rd, 2009 at 3:14 pm
I think y’all missed the best part of the article – PK thinks the coolest part of the whole Condeleeza experience was the idiot who asked if she ever did the Ickey Shuffle? Really?
March 23rd, 2009 at 3:27 pm
GODDAMMIT.
March 23rd, 2009 at 3:28 pm
RE “I still think the best way to have a chance to win your tournament bracket every year — after the research the NCAA does putting the brackets together — is to take the team with the better seed in every game. That wouldn’t be as fun, but it would give you the best shot to win.”
Um… I am no expert, but isn’t this a) kinda obvious and 2) so obvious that you can’t (in many of these NCAA office pools, such as mine) pick more than 3 teams that are Top 3 seeds? Otherwise, wouldn’t a lot of office pools basically be 30-50 people all putting money on the same teams, ie, pointless? Am I retarded here or is PK? I know what the answer SHOULD be…
March 23rd, 2009 at 3:36 pm
PK’s bracket theory would basically assure him of always finishing somewhat near the top, but never actually winning. This theory is consistent with his column in that both are pointless and dull.
March 23rd, 2009 at 3:56 pm
And if I understand correctly (to the extent that anything PK writes can be understood), PK is comparing his clueless guesswork to “history”? Does he mean, like, real history, like D-Day and the Tet Offensive, or does he mean “history” like the shit that happens on Dancing with the Stars and anything Archie Bunker said?
And the money shit, Jesus… right, because po’ black folk are the only ones who spend money foolishly. That must be why AIG is being shoveled piles of taxpayer money right now, because of all the black folk there who spent the company’s funds on gold teef, rims, jewelry, expensive sneakers and malt liquor. And baby mamas.
I heard about the cop shootings on that new-fangled television thingie today. Does PK think no one else reads or watches news? Why the fuck does he feel the need to do a “roundup” of non-sports news? Doesn’t he get paid to write about sports? Doesn’t “Sports Illustrated” imply a sports emphasis? Unless the guy who shot the cops was a professional or college athlete, why does it garner mention there? So many questions… only PK can answer them.
March 23rd, 2009 at 4:07 pm
so what EXACTLY was PK’s “factoid”? that some hotel restaurants prefer that the people eating there are guests? is that a fact, or perhaps just the 19 year old girl deciding she didn’t wanna seat the fat fuck bringing in his own coffee and looking like he might put the place out of business?
March 23rd, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Peter King mentions the economy and the international drug war in another lazy attempt to sound socially-conscious. How about the coffee you love so, PK? Plenty of horrible shit goes down in the legal coffee trade. Just ask anyone in (for example) Colombia, Jamaica, Honduras or Kenya.
March 23rd, 2009 at 4:24 pm
Tbone: Hmmm, if Lorna Road is down the street from your office, you must work on Riverchase Pkwy? Or has finding the Mexicans in Birmingham become less predictable?
March 23rd, 2009 at 4:25 pm
I don’t wish for Peter King to die.
However, I had an uncle that contracted a horrible debilitating disease wherein he gradually lost all motor function, and he was unable to use his hands, and he was unable to talk. He was in this condition for many years. I hope that PK contracts the same disease.
March 23rd, 2009 at 4:28 pm
PK moronisms:
1. It’s button hole not pigeon hole
b. It’s Terry Hatcher that says real & spectacular not Elaine
III. “..question McDaniels must ask himself..” Weiss replies “It’s a rhetorical question”
D. “Reactionary” means exactly the opposite of headline chasing
5) Although commonly used, it’s really “explore” avenues not “exhaust”
f] It’s “semi-phenomenal” not “fairly phenomenal”
vii “Find countries that play … soccer” – try finding ones that don’t.
H) Percentage of teams winning on first OT possession is not relevant to the discussion – percentage of teams that win after winning the toss, is.
March 23rd, 2009 at 4:39 pm
12) I’s “unaccompanied” not “alone” – clearly Springstein was anything but alone, he had a guitar, harmonica, Jon Stewart, a studio audience & a bunch of TV folks with him
k. I don’t miss Dr Z’s pretentious, dishonest BS at all. It’s ironic that his present inability to speak intelligently matches his writing ability. And yes, I will go to hell.
March 23rd, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Peter King is Semi-retardedish.
March 23rd, 2009 at 4:41 pm
I used to work at the Laguna Cliffs Marriott, this fat fuck is just cheap. If you want FREE coffee, it’s not available until 7am. If you’re willing to pay a few bucks the breakfast restaurant opens at 630, and has coffee ready to go an hour before that. Good for the front desk guy to turn his flabby ass away.
March 23rd, 2009 at 4:50 pm
@Fred Smoot: “His well-publicized upbringing on the poor side of Memphis”
Where the fuck was that well-publicized other than in the same fucking book that tells us he was adopted by a wealthy family? Does PK think he was the only one who read the whole book?
March 23rd, 2009 at 5:05 pm
RE: Condi and the Bengals
“One of” her favorite teams? Condi, you are a fucking whore.
Most politicians are totally spineless and opportunistic when it comes to sports loyalty (e.g. Giuliani wearing a Red Sox hat in Mass., Hillary saying she’s both a Cubs and Yankees fan). Say what you will about Obama, at least he’s up-front about his fandom: Bears, White Sox and Bulls (maybe Blackhawks, too). No other teams and no kowtowing to whichever fanbase he finds himself surrounded by at any particular moment.
He’s such a Bears fan that he might even refuse to receive the Vikings at the White House after they win the Super Bowl!
/has been sniffing glue and huffing purple spray paint for 3 hours
March 23rd, 2009 at 5:07 pm
Aww. I like Jon Stewart’s Italian wiseguy thing. Maybe it is a NYC thing.
March 23rd, 2009 at 5:49 pm
@Gino Tourettsa: yeah, because its not like Obama ever said he’s a longtime Steelers fan or rooted for BOTH the Rays and Phillies in the World Series?
/pwned
March 23rd, 2009 at 6:28 pm
“Three cops dead, and a fourth gravely wounded, after a routine traffic stop in Oakland Saturday.”
There are cop-killers in Oakland?! Nooooooo! That can’t be right! What’s that? Some of them are footballfans?! Shocking!
/Wanking to picture of John Elway…
March 23rd, 2009 at 6:32 pm
I like Stewart’s wiseguy thing, too. And his Bush impression. Yeah, they’re both silly, so what?
March 23rd, 2009 at 6:45 pm
In keeping with a sense of love and respect for the Kang I’d just like to say I hope that he learns, Like Ben Afflecks lower hemisphere loving men’s shop manager character from Mallrates learned, “that girl is only fourteen years old.” enjoy your stint upstate – well, now that you’re in Mass, have fun in Walpole State Prison. Fatty.
March 23rd, 2009 at 6:52 pm
“This city, an hour’s drive north of the Mexican border, is coping with a wave of drug crime the police suspect is tied to the bloody battles between Mexico’s drug cartels and the efforts to stamp them out… ”
So, I was reading this suspense novel, by an author that writes fiction, ABOUT THIS FUCKING PROBLEM FIVE YEARS AGO. And did I mention it was fiction? And a novel? And she (the author) was able to build a compelling story from true situations In Tijuana and the drug smuggling cartels actually happening in real life?
March 23rd, 2009 at 10:30 pm
First of all, does Peter King ever put himself on the line when it comes to a prediction or does he always hedge his bets like a namby, pamby, douche? Secondly, does he ever comment about a hotel or restaurant without trolling for a free meal/stay/coffee flavored drink/handjob from the housekeeping staff?
March 24th, 2009 at 12:03 am
I had my wedding reception at that Marriott. It defines clutch.
March 24th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Holy Shit, did anyone read his mailbag today (Tuesday)
• I EVEN GET IN TROUBLE WRITING ABOUT COFFEE. From Craig Meyers of Aiea, Hawaii: “Not a question, but a comment. You really need to get a reality check when complaining about having to wait 30 minutes for coffee. I’ve never been in a hotel that doesn’t have a coffee maker in your room, and if that’s too tough, then just wait. I think you’re a great writer, but given the way things are these days, whining about coffee while staying in a $250/night room is sad.”
It’s $179 a night. And you don’t think it’s, well, a bit lacking that a hotel charging $179 a night doesn’t have coffee available in the lobby or the restaurant or anywhere at 6:17 in the morning?
March 24th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Is it wrong that I read PK’s column at this point… mostly just to anticipate the response that you will write?
By the way, your writing always exceeds my imagination …
March 24th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
“You can’t pay cops enough.”
Did he make a distinction between good cops and crooked cops?
/You guys are crooked cops, and I don’t like it!!
March 24th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
Be it known that J.T. of the family O’Sullivan shall gleefully perform any requested drubbings, at only half the Veteran Minimum. Bully! A Bargain!
Also, I agree with Shane_Falco. More Marmalard, less Coffee-flavored-water. And for the love of God, please bring back Pacman. Pacman gon’ shine.
March 24th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
It’s a shame PK doesn’t just make his own coffee. Then he could masturbate and molest the barista at the same time.
March 24th, 2009 at 8:09 pm
King’s bracket theory is pretty much disputed here:
http://www.basketballprospectus.com/article.php?articleid=563
Picking all number one seeds would win your pool 3 out of the last 24 years, however the last two. Maybe he’s on to something.
March 30th, 2009 at 9:57 pm
Personally I wouldn’t use the in-room coffee makers. You never know how many disgruntled members of the cleaning staff gave the pot a nice urine rinse/windex wipe before you checked in.
Not to mention the skanky flight attendants trying to cook the stink out of their underwear…