When last we last left Peter King, we found that his life in Montclair had become just TOO perfect, TOO comfortable. And so our intrepid reporter fled his lovely home and sold ALL his rock salt, lighting out for the bright lights and down home racism of Boston, Massachusetts. What delightful adventures will Peter embark on now? And how long before he declares eating at Legal Seafoods “a one-of-a-kind Boston experience”? Let’s read on for a comprehensive look at today’s posting of Peter King’s raw intellectual sewage.

I’ll tell you a few nuggets about the election of DeMaurice Smith as the new NFLPA head, but this story has been Don Banks’ baby on this site all month

That’s right, “Donnie Brasco.” (It’s a fun nickname because your name is Don!) Because Peter King likes you, he’ll let you have the story for NOTHING. Such is his magnanimous nature. Wait… what’s this? Oh, no! Peter gave the story to ESPN’s Merrill Hoge and Mark Schlereth by accident! FUCK!!!

If (Josh) McDaniels walks into his first meeting with his players this morning, and they think he’s trying to kick (Jay) Cutler to the curb, they’re going to ask, “Why did (Pat) Bowlen hire this idiot?”

An absolutely fair point from Peter King. Now let’s see him go against his own sound logic.

But in the end, Denver will have to strongly consider trading Cutler.

Denver doesn’t have to do anything. Cutler has three years left on his contract. If he wants to sit out the season with his hick family in Kris Kringle, Indiana or wherever the fuck his family resides (and likely chases tourists around with running chainsaws), perhaps it’s wise to call his bluff and then try to mend fences.

If you’re a rookie coach, as McDaniels is, and you’ve got to set the right tone for the team, how can you have a quarterback who doesn’t want to be there as your franchise leader?

It’s true. Nothing sets the right tone for a team like trading your franchise quarterback because he doesn’t fit with your system and you’re too headstrong to adapt.

I texted Cutler and got no response.

Texted him? THAT’S SOUND JOURNALISM.

I texted McDaniels, and shortly before 1 a.m. Eastern on Monday, he called to react to Cutler’s words.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Sharing text messages at one in the morning? THIS IS ALL HAPPENING SO FAST BETWEEN PETER AND JOSH! I’M NOT READY TO SEE PETER WITH ANYONE BESIDES BRETT!

You should know that, when you text Peter King, he WILL read those texts aloud to people at social functions.

In his comments to Mortensen earlier, he said his time in Denver “had run its course,” the rift between him and McDaniels is “not something they want to fix,” that McDaniels — in their meeting Saturday — “made it clear he could still entertain trading me,” and said the coach “made it clear he wants his own guy.” “Oh boy,” he said, and sighed. “No, no, no. Nothing like that was conveyed.” And he sighed again.

Boy, who knew that, if you sent messages through Peter King AND Chris Mortensen, that some sort of communication breakdown would occur?

I don’t know. This column is getting awfully fottbally. Why don’t we steer this baby back to topics Peter is more comfortable with, like Kit Kats, and yard sales, and other pointless shit.

They like dogs in my new neighborhood, Boston’s South End.

Perfect.

I’m starting to think they like dogs better than people.

!!!!!!!!

The bank on our block not only has a sign welcoming dogs, but also a dog play area inside with a fire hydrant and a big water bowl.

Holy shit! That’s astonishing! It’s almost as if the bank wants to attract customers!

The pet store in the neighborhood, Polka Dog Bakery…

I see what they did there. Rick Reilly thinks that’s the best name for a dog bakery ever.

…bakes dog-treat cookies and gives them freely to customers…

And that’s how they hook you. Juuust a taste, they say. But once you’ve had one dried lamb bone cookie, it becomes a primal obsession. Don’t you see, Peter? Polka Dog Bakery is EXTORTING YOU.

…as well as selling some interesting dog food. (One is 100-percent rabbit meat.)

Rabbit meat? They really DO like dogs better than people in Boston.

And I saw a van Sunday morning stopping to pick up dogs at a couple of apartments in the neighborhood. The driver told me he was taking a passel of dogs out for a “play date.”

What a country! Dog play dates! Who knew that, in urban areas, so many people would own dogs and pamper them?

Front door to Logan Airport Wednesday morning, through a couple of sidestreets, one alley and a tunnel, for a flight to Columbus: 11 minutes. I might like it here.

It’s true. Traffic in Boston is always light that. There’s NEVER any road work, or inexplicable detours, or giant concrete slabs falling on you, or road exits that offer no easy way back on.

Oh, do you not live in a spacious penthouse that is a mere 11 minutes from your nearest airport? Pity. You’ll just have to live vicariously through Peter’s frequent trips to Columbus. LOOK HOW HAPPY HE IS! DON’T YOU FEEL GREAT FOR HIM?!

But what, pray tell, what was Peter doing in Columbus? Was he texting people and failing? Was he admiring their dog bakeries?

I spent a pleasant day in Sidney, Ohio, speaking to a company there and dining with some executives…

And this is why our country is on the brink of depression. Here’s how I envision the meeting that took place in the Human Resources department of whatever horrible, horrible company was dumb enough to hire Peter King to speak to its executives.

HR Guy #1: Who should we have speak at our quarterly meeting this year, Bob?

HR Guy #2: (looks through speaker catalog) How about Rick Pitino? He’s a best-selling author. He’s won a national title. He’s proven he can motivate people and build successful enterprises.

HR Guy #1: Cool. How much does he cost?

HR Guy #2: Let’s see… $30,000.

HR Guy #1: Jesus, that’s too much. Who’s the cheapest speaker they have?

HR Guy #2: Well, it says Peter King will do it for a plate of spicy shrimp.

HR Guy #1: Book him.

I got a copy of King’s speech to executives in advance. Here is a small excerpt…

You see, guys. Success is all about CHEMISTRY. Now, no one knows what chemistry is, or even what it looks like. I’m not even sure how it’s spelled. But I DO know you can’t be successful without it. That means going the extra mile. Be Pittsburghish. Save each other’s voice mail. Respect the sun. Share Coldplay CD’s. Chris Martin, you must have the voice of an angel.

Work the land. Spend time together at Osteria Giotto and have the lasagna with EXTRA NUTMEG. Don’t settle for coffee-flavored water. Bitch when restaurants do things correctly and you still aren’t satisfied. By the way, Tony Oresco at Jillian’s, GREAT JOB with your Brownie Sundae. It must be the walnuts that make it so good. The Kings will be back for more.

Just remember these two words for the rest of your careers:

Define clutch.

That company is going places. Say Peter, can you give me a rambling story about eating out at some shithole in Ohio?

…and realized the restaurant-chaining of America is leaving most towns the size of Sidney (pop.: 20,211), in western Ohio, without many or any non-Applebee’s, non-fast-food options. (Not that there’s anything wrong with Applebee’s.)

Holy shit, there are so many things wrong with Applebee’s I could file a fucking class action suit. “Hey guys, what if we made a salad that only had fried chicken in it?”

They took me to a delightful place in downtown Sidney, Toone P. Wiggins,

Founded by reclusive oil billionaire Toone P. Wiggins, who spends all of his time giving money to Oklahoma State Tech’s football team and promoting the alternative energy solution of putting horses on treadmills.

I so wish his name was Poone T. Wiggins.

…with steaks from local cows and fresh walleye and beer from Russia and the Big East basketball tournament on the TV at the oak bar.

This bar… IT’S MADE OF WOOD! You won’t find that at Houston’s!

And we talked about how lucky a town the size of Sidney was to have a place as original as this, with a menu like this. Places like Toone P. Wiggins are disappearing with the chaining of America.

NO!!!! NOT TOONE P. WIGGINS! IT’S THE MITCH PUIN OF CASUAL AMERICAN DINING!!!!!

Also unearthed this nugget while out in farm country:

That’s what happens when you’re a land baron.

New England tackle Matt Light is evidently the year-’round Santa Claus of his old high school, Greenville High, in nearby Greenville, Ohio. Equipment and uniforms and shoes sometimes just show up there, and everyone asks, “Where’d this come from?” But they figure it out pretty easily.

Fool! THOSE CLOTHES CAME FROM TOONE P. WIGGINS.

I think the NFL simply must bring troubled former running back Travis Henry to its annual Rookie Symposium in June.

Excellent idea. Who better to talk to rookies than someone who has clearly never learned from his huge fucking mistakes, repeating them over and over again?

Henry, who has had 11 children with 10 women — none of them his wife — was profiled in the New York Times Thursday, and young players need to hear the cautionary tale of how a first-round pick has totally wasted his money and his life.

Travis Henry was drafted in the second round. Maybe if you had texted him, you would know that.

“I did use protection at first,” Henry told Mike Tierney of the Times. “Then they’d be saying they’d be on the pill. I was an idiot to trust them. Second or third time with them, I didn’t use it. Then, boom!” He said his counselor asked him, “How can you do the same thing over and over?” Henry didn’t have an answer — which is why the NFL must allow him to tell this story.

YES! YES, TELL US YOUR STORY EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE NO ARTICULATE EXPLANATION OF IT! ROOKIES WILL LEARN SO MUCH IF YOU SIMPLY STAND UP ON THE STAGE AND STARE OFF INTO SPACE LIKE A COMPLETE FUCKHEAD.

I think the Patriots are going to have to work on their heart and soul this offseason. First Josh McDaniels goes. Then Scott Pioli. Then Mike Vrabel. Now Larry Izzo, their special-teams captain and conscience, who left the other day for the Jets.

Oh, no! Larry Izzo! THAT’S THE STRAW THAT BROKE THE CAMEL’S BACK. Lord knows the Pats could lose McDaniels, Vrabel, and Pioli and still keep on going strong. But an old special teamer? THIS MAN WAS THE GLUE. HE DEFINED LOOSE.

He was their conscience? What the fuck does that even mean? If a Patriot went out to a bar and was about to fuck a girl without using protection, would Larry Izzo magically swoop in, offering a rubber and a valuable life lesson? Was he the one who told Belichick to turn the camera off? It’s Larry fucking Izzo.

Did I see it right the other day? The Wall Street Journal now is $2? That shouldn’t tell you Rupert Murdoch is a money-grubber. It should you tell what desperate trouble newspapers are in.

Until now, I didn’t see it coming!

Thanks, Ann Coulter, for reveling in the decline of the liberal newspapers. Nice of you to be making the great money you obviously make while hard-working reporters and editors and photographers — from liberal and conservative papers alike — are being put on the street every day. This is a crisis without ideological fault lines, sister. And the New York Times isn’t going anywhere.

The Times recently needed $250 million in Mexican loans to stay afloat, and many people speculate the paper could go out of business this year. But let’s just make a blanket statement about something without any background information of any kind. Congratulations, Peter. You are now a fatter, shittier version of Ann Coulter.

I’m really going to like reading Dan Shaughnessy every day.

Because Lord knows you can’t read him every day if you DON’T live in Boston! Seriously, were two shitty columnists made for each other more than Peter King and Dan fucking Shaughnessy?

Coffeenerdness: Memo to Starbucks: Have one of your Boston-area muckety-mucks make it over to The South End Buttery, the coffee shop, restaurant and espresso bar on Shawmut Avenue in the South End.

PETER COMMANDS YOU.

Ask him or her to order a medium latte with an extra shot. Watch the care the barista uses with the shots and the foaming of the milk. No rush. No mass production. But lots of care.

THIS IS HOW IT’S FUCKING DONE, PEOPLE.

I thought I was going to miss Starbucks on this move, because the nearest Starbucks is six or eight blocks away, but the chance to support a local company has been enhanced by the fact that it’s as good a latte as I’ve had in the United States.

It’s as if the coffee beans were hand ground by Toone P. Wiggins himself.

My Rotisserie draft is Tuesday night, which worries me for two reasons: With the move, I haven’t studied, and I’m in a smart league; and it’s St. Patrick’s Day, a day I’m never at my best at 8 or 9 at night. Uh-oh. Looks like a long year for the Montclair Pedroias.

And there’s your least surprising fantasy team name ever. League winner gets a $10 gift certificate to the Polka Dog Bakery.