People, this week’s dispatch of Peter King’s mental wastecurd contains a piece of news so STUNNING, so SHOCKING, so PANTS-DAMPENINGLY HUGE, that I almost can’t stand it. Between this and the cancellation of Frank TV, making fun of Peter King MAY NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. Follow me after the jump, for an item that will shake your very foundations.

A quiet weekend in the league, with one exception — plus good and very bad news from Iraq, and a fairly emotional King family move.

I knew it. Peter King is moving. But to where? What lucky American town will win the KINGSTAKES? My predictions:
HATTIESBURG – 1 to 10 odds
BALLED UP INSIDE BRETT FAVRE’S GAPING ASSHOLE – 1:1
NASHVILLE (WE SAW HIM AT THE AIRPORT!) – 4:1
PITTSBURGH (VERY PITTSBURGHISH, A TOWN THAT DEFINES LOOSE) – 8:1
JILLIAN’S – 10:1
CAPITAL GRILLE – 15:1

When you think about it, it makes sense that King would move now. No doubt Montclair has grown tired of his me-first antics. The bitching about traffic. The open criticism of the coffee. THIS MAN IS A CANCER WHO WILL DESTROY ANY TOWN’S CHEMISTRY.

But where will he go? I feel like there’s an obvious destination I’m missing. Buffalo, perhaps?

Bills chief operating office Russ Brandon woke up sometime after midnight Friday morning and noticed there was a text message on his cell phone. So he reached over and looked. It was from Trent Edwards, the quarterback of the Bills. “T.O.” That’s all it said.

Brandon shot back with this: “?”

“T.O. was released. Go get him,” Edwards texted back.

Oooh, Trent Edwards just gave you an order, Russ! Better make sure you keep Trent Edwards happy. He’s what we call a noncornerstone player. The guy of guy you don’t build a franchise around. A true peripherypiece of any offense. He’s 175 pounds of concrete vinegar!

The Bills think Jauron is the perfect coach — calm but commanding — to handle Mount Terrell.

Holy shit. Is this team still managed by Marv Levy’s bowel voiding pouch? What’s the opposite of a braintrust?

The organization is sick of perpetually being one weapon away from catching New England (and Miami and the Jets, as it turns out), and it’s willing to take the risk of having Owens ruin the locker room so it can have a chance to win the division.

Good point. It’s worth having Owens make your team worse so your team can get better.

Having been on the USO trip to Afghanistan last year with three players, I can tell you it’s a draining experience for the players, being “on” for 14 or 16 hours in a day with no clocks.

Oh, no! Poor players! They have to be on! They have to be animated, and friendly! And engage in conversation! On topics like: is Sean Penn our Bogart? PETER EVEN SAW SOME OF THE PLAYERS SIGN AUTOGRAPHS FOR AT LEAST 40 MINUTES. THAT FUCKING DEFINES COURAGE.

Well, I’m halfway through this article. And still, the mystery of where Peter King is moving remains elusive. Out with it, Peter. TEMPT ME NO FURTHER!

The Kings are relocating to Boston.

Guhhhhhhhhh. I’m going to need an expert opinion on this move. Tommy?

“FACK YOU, PETAH FACKIN’ KING! YOU AHHH NAWT A FACKIN’ TRUE RED SAWX FAN! YAR FROM FACKIN’ CONNECTICUT! YOU LIKE JETAH! I HOPE YOU GET RUN OVAH BY THE FACKIN’ T, YA FACKIN’ CAWKSMOKAH!”

And there you have it. Peter King is moving to Boston. It’s a match made in douche heaven. Odd that King would want to go to Boston, though. Who will he pay there to end winter?

It’s still a little stunning, even to us

“Wait, we’re moving? Since when? WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME? I WAS ON MY NEW BLACKBERRY STORM THE WHOLE TIME.”

But my wife and I have always wanted to live in a city, and we were so fond of living in north Jersey that if we didn’t move soon, we’d never move. We’d be too ensconced, too comfortable.

Oh, poor things. Yes, we’d hate to have your lives become TOO perfect! Why, if you hadn’t moved now, you would have just spent the rest of your lives enjoying your spacious media room, relaxing in your pool, and ordering around the maid! SUCH A FOUL EXISTENCE SHOULD NOT BE WISHED ON EVEN THE WORST MAN.

This gives us a chance to live in a city we like a lot, though we could have lived in New York just as easily if we’d have found the same kind of place we found seven blocks from Copley Square.

Ah, WASP humor. You see, they would have lived in New York, had they found a penthouse as roomy and conveniently located as the one they snapped up in Boston! Isn’t that hysterical?

Being a 26-minute walk from Fenway didn’t hurt in the deliberations.

Oh, do you not live a short walk away from Fenway? Pity. You should.

So wish us luck.

NO.

After we get over the initial shock, it ought to be a fun adventure.

“Say, did you realize some sort of Revolution took place in Boston a while back? What a country.”

Kerry Collins will pass Joe Montana on the all-time passing yards list this year if he throws for 3,159 yards. Does anyone else find that amazing?

Not as amazing AS YOUR STUNNING NEW COPLEY SQUARE APARTMENT, WITH AN INCREDIBLE VIEW OF THE HARBOR AND CLOSE PROXIMITY TO FENWAY AND OTHER ATTRACTIONS.

I wish I could pay more attention to the World Baseball Classic.

But I was too busy driving and typing on my Macbook Air, WHICH TELLS YOU THE TIME TO THE EXACT SECOND.

The 10 things I’ll miss about New Jersey, where our family has called home since 1985.

Oooh! Oooh! Do tell. Don’t you, fair reader, want to hear about all the things Peter will miss about a town you don’t live in or give a flying fuck about? Of course you do. THIS MAN IS A JOURNALIST AND WHAT HE SAYS ABOUT LIFE IN MONTCLAIR SPEAKS TO YOUR OWN LIFE IN WAYS YOU CAN’T POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND.

1. Montclair. Great town, better people.

Lofty town. True town.

We must have liked it. We must have loved it.

But he’s not sure. You see, Montclair is like chemistry…

A perfect town (well, no town is perfect, but this one’s close) to raise kids and shovel snow and walk the dog.

AND WORK THE LAND.

2. The house we raised our kids in. A perfect place, close enough to New York and far enough away when you needed peace.

They would have stayed in it, HAD THEY NOT FOUND AN EVEN MORE AMAZING PAD RIGHT NEAR FANEUIL HALL. Isn’t life just amazing for everyone right now? Aren’t you just so happy, dear reader, that Peter King found a way to somehow upgrade his already perfect existence? Why, he’s just like any number of laid off people out there right now, except that he lives in the utmost luxury!

3. Field hockey and softball. Most of the greatest sporting memories of my life happened on fields in Essex County. My kids were tested, and it was good for them.

Sure was! Those games built character in Peter’s children. Why, just listen to this tale of sticktuitiveness and gumption a reporter we know at the Super Bowl told us:

My friend who’s at the SB starts chatting with some chick. She says she’s staying at some decent hotel, in a suite, with a few other stragglers. My friend is like, “Oh, that’s really cool that you’re staying so close, in a hotel, etc.”

“Yeah, my dad paid for it. He’s here too. He wanted me to be able to work here and make some connections.”

“Who’s your Dad?”

“Peter King.”

No chance an incredible tale like that happens unless you are imbued with MONTCLAIR FIELD HOCKEY SPIRIT.

4. Coaching, particularly the 10-and-under softball team, the Montclair Bears, my wife and I coached for the last seven years with our friends Jack Bowers and Karin Nelson. Indelible.

Hope you kids brought Coach King his coffee at 7AM sharp. And not that fucking coffee flavored water shit.

5. Sitting on the back deck on an early-summer night, around June 20th, having the fifth beer, and enjoying the trees and the talk.

Oh, do you not have a back deck? Do not have trees to talk to? Well, you’re missing out.

6. The Upper Montclair Starbucks.

WHERE ELSE WILL PETER FIND A STARBUCKS NOW?

7. The two best restaurants in town, Osteria Giotto and Table 8. Brandon Jacobs swears by the lasagna in Giotto; he’s absolutely right. Must be the nutmeg, or whatever makes it taste so different. I’ll take the skirt steak at Table 8.

Oh, are you not able to eat at the fanciest restaurants in your town any time you please? Is your town’s signature lasagna not nutmegged? Were you not able to get free extra nutmeg in your lasagna by bitching about the coffee during a meal you likely expensed? Again, a pity.

8. Our friends. God blessed us in many ways in Montclair, but the people made it the best home we’ve ever had.

People like Mitch Puin.

10. Everything.

Indeed. Such a picture perfect town. But you know what, Peter? I have a surprise for you. I asked the people of Montclair what five things they’ll miss about YOU. It’s true. Here now are their testimonials.

1. “I’ll ‘miss ‘ that one fucker at the Starbucks who audibly pouted any time I ordered a complicated drink when I was in front of him in line. Yeah, I’ll really ‘miss’ that giant fat asshole.”
2. “I’ll ‘miss’ Coach King spending all practice on his earpiece. Yeah, he really built my character. I give handjobs on the interstate now.”
3. “As a tree, I’ll ‘miss’ seeing Peter King get bent over the porch rail by Brett Favre after Mrs. King had gone to bed. Yeah, that’s a memory I’ll always cherish. JESUS.”
4. “I’ll-a ‘miss-a’ the fat-a piece of gabbagool who asked for extra nutmeg in-a his lasagna-a. Pepe say shut up-a your face, fat-a fuck-a!”
5. “I’ll ‘miss’ Mr. King accusing me of extortion because we didn’t have Gran Torino playing at our theater. What a fucking ass. I have no control over that shit. I’m 16 years old.”

Our apartment in Boston can’t fit most of the big furniture we had.

OH NOES! MY 72-PIECE MOHAIR SECTIONAL WON’T FIT! Don’t you hate it when that happens, fellow Elite Flyers?

Anyway, we had half the Western world in the house Friday and Saturday. A fascinating experience, much more good than bad, and only one truly rude person trying to buy a bedroom set for 15 cents.

“No way I’m paying more than twenty cents, seein’ as how many stains you got here.”

My favorite guy was the older fellow who walked around the first floor of the house, looking everywhere, including in the corner where we kept our driveway de-icing pellets. “How much?” he said. You’re kidding — a half-used container of rock salt? “A dollar,” I said. He fished out a buck, handed it over and stealthily moved away with the treasure under his arm.

Another amazing tale. Who knew people bought odd things at yard sales? This is just the kind of incredible reporting I want out of a football column.

I think Sage Rosenfels beats out Tarvaris Jackson in Minnesota.

Yes, thank you for that astute prediction.

he’s a strong-armed, semi-mobile guy

One could even say he’s quasi-McNabbish.

If you pay second- and sixth-round picks for a guy one year removed from being defensive player of the year, you define short-sighted.

You certainly don’t define clutch!

I think if I were Chris Simms, I’d have stayed in Nashville.

THEY HAVE SLAVERY!

I think I’ll many more some non-football thoughts next week, but I’ll leave you with this one: Moving, at 51, has a certain energizing quality to it, and I’m excited.

And you know who else is excited about this news, Peter? FUCKING NO ONE. DIE.