When we last left NFL gadfly and human landfill Peter King, he was pitching a terrible fit about the Marriott Laguna Cliffs refusing to serve him free coffee before 7AM, despite having a perfectly functioning coffee maker IN HIS ROOM. He also found out the shocking truth about Mexican drug cartels (they’re coming for us!), and insisted we all give cops a little more respect. I know Ryan Moats certainly feels likewise!

What fascinating tidbits will we glean this week from King’s bloated, festering sense of self-entitlement? Hint: It has something to do with coffee! Join me as I again delve into this week’s missive of Peter King tardsauce.

In a dual act of selflessness that humbles me, the Giants and Jets head coaches will come together in a fundraiser to help the ailing Dr. Z try to kick-start his long road to recovery from a series of three strokes.

Humbles YOU, Peter? I’m sorry, were you the one who had three strokes? Are you the one currently drooling in your lap as your wife tries to show you how to use a spoon? Whatever, this rare sense of humility from Peter King, however astonishingly misplaced, can’t last forever…

The Marriott in Dana Point, Calif., responding to my kvetching about no coffee anywhere in the hotel on weekends ’til 7 a.m., made a great call, starting this weekend.

They urinated in the coffee urn?

They’ve begun making coffee available in the lobby at 5 a.m.

HUZZAH! Thank God! That defines clutch. You see, people. We all need causes to believe in. Some people want to help flood victims. Others try to help seniors with dimentia. But Peter King has taken on the equally important task of making sure every luxury hotel he stays in has free coffee on demand EVEN WHEN THERE IS A FUCKING MISTER COFFEE MACHINE IN HIS FUCKING ROOM THAT CAN PREPARE AND DISPENSE FUCKING COFFEE IN A MATTER OF FUCKING MINUTES.

Good to see you improving, Marriott.

Yes, good for YOU, Marriott. You caved to the whims of a completely self-absorbed moron. Soon, you’ll have a Jillian’s in every lobby!

I really cannot get over this. Peter King uses his column to bitch about not getting free shit at the desired hour he likes it, EVEN THOUGH IT’S ALREADY AVAILABLE AND STILL FUCKING FREE. Then, he updates you on how effective his complaint ended up being, as if it’s some incredible accomplishment. Then he gives Marriott the equivalent of a fucking pat on the head by telling them just what a “great call” they made. This man is nothing short of a monster.

The stuffy St. Regis, however, is still making its beach restaurant a hotel-guests only deal. Someday I’m going to be good enough, and rich enough, to eat there.

Ooooh, the evil St. Regis! They must be too busy slaughtering babies to let Peter in! Scoundrels! DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH THIS, ST. REGIS? TALK TO MARRIOTT ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT FUCKING WITH PETER KING IS A GOOD IDEA.

Why I’ll Probably Never Live In L.A. Dept.:

Do you really need a whole department set up for this?

Driving on the 5 in Orange County Wednesday afternoon around 2, I was in a 35-minute combination dead-stop and crawl. Volume. No accident, just volume

ZOMG! Traffic? In Southern California? Preposterous! Didn’t the gold prospectors just move out here? How could this area become so developed so quickly? Please Peter, tell me more about your plight…

… Friday morning, on the 10 near downtown around 11:15, another very thick 20 minutes of traffic

Oh no! Twenty minutes! Cancel that war in Afghanistan, people. The real terror is at home! How can we live in a world where rich people traveling on an expense account have to wait TWENTY FUCKING MINUTES in traffic? And why hasn’t Ford invented the flying car yet? What kind of fucked up world is this?!

… On the way back to our hotel Friday night around 10:25, another 15-minute snarl on the 101.

GAHHHHHH 15 MINUTES! IT’S LIKE BEING TRAPPED IN HELL FOR A VERY VERY SHORT PERIOD OF TIME! Peter King could have taught Dr. Z to sip coffee again in that time! You other drivers are slowly killing an old man!

I love L.A. Every visit I have there is too short.

Then what the fuck is your problem?

Great city…

Lofty city.

…so much to do, superb sports/entertainment complex with the Staples Center nucleus downtown (terrific, comfortable arena, by the way). But living there — I don’t know. Transportation, I fear, would be a major issue.

Indeed. Can we please get Peter an atlas and point out fucking Montana to him?

The weather might make up for it.

Oh ho ho! Even though he was miserable, he still had a wonderful time! Aren’t you glad?

Drove past the Viper Room, where River Phoenix died of a drug overdose, in West Hollywood. It’s a hole in the wall! Looks like some dive head shop from college days.

Who knew a nightclub would have a modest storefront?

Daughter Laura — flourishing and happy in L.A. — is what I would call, charitably, a competitive driver.

But she’s a kickass shoveler!

I did notice our friends the Normans,

Oh, I know them! Fran and Carl. Such a nice couple. Did you hear about Fran’s miscarriage? Such a shame.

WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE PEOPLE AND WHY DO I FUCKING CARE?

…out to see the World Figure Championships Friday night at Staples Center, kiss the road and thank the Lord for safe passage when Laura dropped them off after the skating Friday. I believe Mike Norman, a Vietnam vet, puts that commute in his five most harrowing drives of all time.

Hey, everyone! My kid’s a shitty driver! Got that? Tune in next week when I tell you how concerned I am about that editor she’s dating!

US Airways home from LAX Sunday … $15 to move from a center seat to an aisle with a few more inches of leg room … $40 to check three bags … $7 for a salad. Welcome to 2009 air travel, America.

YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO PAY FOR IT. I assume that $7 salad was a Cobb salad, by the way.

I think one of the reasons I like Jim Schwartz’s chances to succeed in Detroit… is because he thinks.

Yes, that’s a real rare trait among coaches, and among humans in general. I’m so glad the Lions hired a sentient being with a working brain that can process information to be their head coach, and not some invertebrate. Sea horses can’t coach linebackers for SHIT.

I think the moment I’ll remember from these league meetings, other than the Rooney things, happened just before the owners scattered at midday Wednesday. “Peter King!” boomed Al Davis, and he wasn’t smiling. “You haven’t written a good thing about the Raiders in 10 years!”

AND VYE HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO TOONE P. VEEGGINS YET, KEENG? I VANT MORE VEEGGINS!

I think I admire Vince Young’s moxie

He’s concrete cyanide!

I’ve had pizza

I’ve long since ascertained that fact.

like many 51-year-old old males who travel a lot, in many cities in this country and others. The best I’ve had is from…

This rare exotic place called Uno’s!

Pizzeria Mozza here in West Hollywood. Good luck trying to get in

IT’S ALL FULL! DON’T YOU PEOPLE RUIN IT FOR ME LIKE YOU HAVE THE FREEWAYS!

but if you do, the thin crust and perfect blend of natural ingredients will make you plead, “Don’t make me give up my table. Let me just sit here ’til I’m hungry again.”

Five minutes later, yes?

Amazing how many movie billboards there are in L.A. You’d think they made movies there or something.

I see what you did there.

There’s something wrong in America when you go on the road, need a prescription filled and have to pay full price because you have your HMO card and your prescription card to show the pharmacist but don’t have the approval for a clearly approved medication on the prescription bottle.

And there no free coffee either! What. The. Fuck.

Coffeenerdness: Very, very interesting coffee choice in Laura’s neighborhood. Peet’s, Coffee Bean and Starbucks, all within about 1,000 yards. That’s a reason to live somewhere.

Oooh, chain coffee joints! You don’t see that in every town! BUT TRANSPORTATION COULD BE AN ISSUE. I DON’T WANT TO SIT IN TRAFFIC FOR FIFTEEN WHOLE FUCKING MINUTES.

Hey, spring! Opening day’s a week from last night. You available?

No, but I’m sure the Normans are.

Don’t ask me about my bracket.

I won’t.

I liked Siena, Syracuse and Washington too much.

This bracket’s almost as humbling as another man who is not me having a stroke!

It’s official: There are more dogs than people in the South End of Boston.

But Lord willing, my daughter will be able to run half of them over.