After getting married earlier this year in California, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady and supermodel Gisele Bundchen are planning another wedding to be held early next month in Costa Rica. According to A.C. Slater, it will be a small, private affair– much like their first wedding.

If you’re feeling slighted because you didn’t make the guest list for either wedding, KSK has a some good news. Tom and Gisele are planning a series of nuptials this year… one of them is sure to be somewhere near you.

I’m not sure where they are registered, but candlesticks always make a nice gift.

May 2        Onondaga County War Memorial      Syracuse, New York

May 30      Six Flags Cedar Point     Sandusky, Ohio (in front of log flume)

June 13      Zaxby’s (Grand Opening)     Dothan, Alabama
(mention you’re there for the wedding and receive half off an order of boneless bbq wings with purchase of a 20oz soft drink)

June 30       Uproxx Media company picnic     Leesburg, Virginia
(bring a dish, sign-up sheet on Brian’s desk; and don’t sign up for chips or soda—that’s a dick move)

July 11       Rodeo Nite     Cody, Wyoming
(between barrel races and junior calf-roping– chronologically, not physically, but could you imagine if was? crazy, dude!!!)

July 24       Shrewsbury Renaissance Faire     Kings Valley, Oregon
(can’t wait to peep the bodice on Gissy!!!)

August 7      Sh boom, Sh-Boom’s     Shelby, North Carolina
(BEER BUST — 50 cent Bud Lights until some takes a leak– so for god’s sake, take a piss before you get there)

[ extra ]

Watch as big-ass Golden Eagles use mountain goats to re-enact Terrell Owens’s relationships with his quarterbacks, all set to appropriately ominous piano chords.

0:35 — Jeff Garcia
5:00 — Donovan McNabb
6:30 — Tony Romo

(from Tragnark via Super Punch, thanks to reader Philip)

Kickoff Weekend Features Stompy Matchup. The cowardly Ravens get their wish to avoid Heinz Field in primetime, meaning the Titans will visit the Steelers for the opening Thursday night game, during which the LenWhale towel-stomping incident will no doubt never be referenced. Meanwhile, the Boston Globe reports the first Monday Night Football game will be the Bills and the Pats, opening the door for a thousand “JAWS, HOW SIMILAR ARE THE CAREER ARCS OF T.O. AND RANDY MOSS? IT’S LIKE THEY’VE FOLLOWED THE SAME PATH! CAN YOU BELIEVE THE PARALLELS!?” comments from Kornheiser. Loverly.

Update: The first Sunday night game is Bears at Packers, because historically fierce rivalries between presently mediocre teams are exciting. The second of the Week 1 Monday night games has King Laserface’s army of super soldiers doing battle with Al Davis’ undead army of the suck. And the NFL is determined to make you bored on Thanksgiving before dinner is served by scheduling the Lions and the Pack at 12:30, followed by another Oakland-Dallas yawner at 4, then Cutler and Eli having a sulk-off in the night game.

In an obviously misguided attempt at mocking the playoff structure of the NCAA tournament, we’re inviting readers to enjoy matchups of actual fetishes in a voter-powered tournament, culminating in April with the Nasty Fetish Final Four. That tournament continues today with Round One action. Remember, you’re voting for what you consider the more nasty fetish.

Read the rest of this entry »

In an obviously misguided attempt at mocking the playoff structure of the NCAA tournament, we’re inviting readers to enjoy matchups of actual fetishes in a voter-powered tournament, culminating in April with the Nasty Fetish Final Four. That tournament continues today with Round One action. Remember, you’re voting for what you consider the more nasty fetish.

Read the rest of this entry »

When we left Peter King last week, he had just discovered the pleasures of casual dining and wooden bars at rural Ohio eating establishments like Toone P. Wiggins, marveled at the panoply of luxury dog bakeries in his chic new Boston neighborhood, and challenged Starbucks to reach the lofty standards of latte-producing excellence demonstrated by the South End Buttery. Oh, and I think he talked about football for at least a paragraph. Solid.

What incredible examples of non-reporting and mindless self-indulgence will we find this week? Join me as we once again take a tour of Peter King’s toxic, vanilla-scented brainspew…

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Vitali Klitschko successfully defended his share of the heavyweight title over the weekend in his adopted homeland of Germany with a win over Juan Gomez. So excited was the Ukrainian born fighter to have knocked out his former sparring partner that he felt compelled to offer up this classic German salute. Either that or he was attempting to salvage the merger between Morgan Springs and Poland Creek. We may never know.

What with me devoting all my time to paying attention to TV news these days, I’m of course aware that tonight is the two-hour series finale of the much-beloved re-imagining of “Battlestar Galactica.”  Having seen enough of it over the last couple years, I can assure you that the nerds who tell you that “It’s great, it’s not just sci-fi!” are largely correct: it’s a well-acted and smartly written show for ANY genre (even if the plot has devolved into “Everyone’s a cylon!”).

And yes, it’s got plenty of eye candy: For the ladies, there’s plenty of Edward James Olmos (RAWR!) and Jamie Bamber as Lee Adama.  And in the T&A category, we get Grace Park, Tricia Helfer, and Katee Sackhoff.  So long, ladies.  We’ll always have you on DVD.

[More at Gunaxin]

In an obviously misguided attempt at mocking the playoff structure of the NCAA tournament, we’re inviting readers to enjoy matchups of actual fetishes in a voter-powered tournament, culminating in April with the Nasty Fetish Final Four. That tournament continues today with Round One action. Remember, you’re voting for what you consider the more nasty fetish.

Read the rest of this entry »

“Also, Can Bounties Be Legal?” The Ravens ask the NFL not to schedule them in any primetime games against the Steelers in Pittsburgh, thus attempting to duck the season kickoff game that everyone expected. BECAUSE THE RAVENS DON’T FEAR NO MAN! WWWOOOOOOOOO!