In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Johnson into his home, in a spirited attempt to get both men to understand one another better.

Marvin: Chad! Chad, get down here! You’ve been lying in bed for weeks!

Ocho: I’ll be down a little later, Coach.

Marvin: Oh, no. Not while you stay at MY house. I want you down here right now.

Ocho: Fine. Whatever.

What do you want?

Marvin: As long as you live here, young man, you’re going to get up and be a part of this family. Lying around in your room all the time isn’t acceptable.

Ocho: Look, Coach. I’m gonna level with you. I think I’m suffering from impression.

Marvin: DEpression

Ocho: No. IMpression. As in I M depressed.

Marvin: That’s not how that term works.

Ocho: Nuh uh! That’s the original pig Latin!

Marvin: Whatever. Tell me why you’re down.

Ocho: I just feel like everything’s gone wrong the past few months, coach. You know, we lost all those games. And you didn’t know about this, but my girl left me a while back.

Marvin: She did? Oh, Chad. Chad, I’m really sorry.

Ocho: She was great. I feel like she really understood me. Like, when I told her that I liked socks, and that maybe we should make very large socks to put whole babies in, she was on board. And when I told her I don‘t believe in volcanoes, she agreed with me.

Marvin: Actually, Chad. That’s incorrect. Volcanoes do exist.

Ocho: Oh, please. Have you ever seen a volcano erupt?

Marvin: No.

Ocho: I rest my case.

Marvin: Chad, we live in Ohio. There are no volcanoes in Ohio.

Ocho: Oh, well isn’t that convenient? You know what I think? I think it’s a conspiracy. I think the CSI wants you to believe there are volcanoes, so you’re scared to go outside and find out what’s really going on. Because I ain’t EVER seen a mountain smoke up like that. And why would a mountain need to smoke up? IT’S ALREADY HIGH!

Marvin: Mountains don’t smoke weed, Chad.

Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t know that.

Marvin: Yes I do.

Ocho: You said it yourself! You said you’ve never seen a volcano. So how do you know that Mount Rushmore or some shit don’t like the occasional peace pipe? YOU EVER SEEN A MOUNTAIN CLIMBER? They all smoke up, man. They have beards and shit. That’s why they want to get to the top of the mountain, for that big mountain smoke. WHICH IS ONLY A LEGEND PERPERGATED BY THE CSI.

Marvin: Mount Rushmore doesn’t smoke weed.

Ocho: Agreed. But it could.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, it could.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, it could.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, it could! Those four judges up there are just SITTING AROUND! What else are they going to do in South Carolina? You’re telling me Abe Lincoln ain’t packing a pipe under his crazyass hat?

Marvin: Okay, Mount Rushmore consists of four stone carvings of former US Presidents. They’re stone. Stone can’t move.

Ocho: Then you ain’t ever seen Fantastic Four 2.

Marvin: Jesus. Fine. Believe what you want. I just need you to get out of this funk and get back to helping out around here, and helping the team. You know we lost Housh yesterday.

Ocho: I KNOW! THAT WAS AWESOME!

Marvin: No, it’s not. Anyway, I need you to be extra dedicated now more than ever. So let’s work this out. Let’s figure out how to make you feel better.

Ocho: I don’t know, Coach. It’s tough without my girl. She was everything to me, man. I just feel like, if I had done things differently. Like, maybe if I had superpowers, she would come back to me.

Marvin: But you don’t have superpowers.

Ocho: But I could.

Marvin: No, you couldn’t.

Ocho: You don’t know that! What if I’m actually a member of the Fantastic Four 2? And I can turn into Mount Rushmore? And smoke weed? I feel like she would come back to me if she knew I could do all that.

Marvin: But you can’t. That’s not physically possible.

Ocho: See, I think that’s just a bad attitude to have. Why couldn’t I have superpowers? I feel like I could fly if I dedicated myself.

Marvin: You can’t.

Ocho: YOU’RE THE ONE TELLING ME TO WORK HARD!

Marvin: Yes, I’m telling you to work hard to so you accomplish things that are, you know, FUCKING ACTUALLY FEASIBLE.

Ocho: Well, I think being able to fly is feasible. There are tons of superpowers out there I could have if I applied myself. I could turn things into Chinese rice USING ONLY MY MIND. I could have a special computer that types things IN THE SKY. I could have a REALLY LOUD HANDCLAP. Like, a paralyzing clap. That would be great. Some white mountain climber guy would get in my face and I’d be like CLAP CLAP YOU DEAD.

Marvin: Again, none of those things are possible.

Ocho: I even got my superhero car figured out. It’s a special boat, WITH CARS ON IT.

Know what I call it?

Marvin: No.

Ocho: CAR BOAT. Ain’t no boat like that. I even wrote a song for it. Listen to this. (sings)

CAAAAR BOAT! THE BOAT WITH CARS!



DUN DUN DUN! CAR BOAT!

BAM! No one would fuck with Car Boat.

Marvin: Okay, that kind of boat already exists. It’s called a ferry.

Ocho: Man, I’m not talking about no gays! This is a fucking hardcore boat. Car Boat will dock a bitch. Know what I mean?

Marvin: Not FAIRY. FERRY. And ferries aren’t gay. They aren’t sexual entities. They’re inanimate. Inanimate objects aren’t gay or straight.

Ocho: No? Check this pen.

Tell me that pen isn’t gay. You know damn well that thing’s been in an asshole somewhere.

Marvin: It’s a pen. It’s not gay.

Ocho: But you don’t know that. For all you know, this pen could have smoked up with one of those gay mountains, and then they could have had gay mountain sex. WHICH WOULD NEVER HAPPEN ON CAR BOAT.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU ARE A FUCKING STUMP. I‘M TRYING TO PULL THIS TEAM TOGETHER AS IT’S FALLING APART, AND NOW I HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOU TRYING TO CONVINCE ME THAT FUCKING VOLCANOES DON’T FUCKING EXIST, DESPITE YEARS OF PHOTOGRAPHIC AND GEOLOGICAL EVIDENCE. YOU FUCKING RETARD. VOLCANOES EXIST, MOUNTAINS DO NOT SMOKE POT. AND YOU DO NOT HAVE FUCKING SUPERPOWERS.

Ocho: But I could! What if it turns out I was blasted with grammar rays, and now I can talk to sharks? OCHO CINCO: SHARK TALKER. It all makes sense when you factor in Car Boat.

Marvin: THERE IS NO CAR BOAT! YOU KNOW WHAT? GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM. THE WORLD IS BETTER OFF WITH YOU SEQUESTERED AWAY IN A GODDAMN ROOM, WHERE YOU CAN’T WASTE PEOPLE’S TIME WITH FUCKING GAY PENS, OR INVENTING FERRIES, WHICH HAVE ALREADY BEEN FUCKING INVENTED. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Ocho: I’ll tell you what would cheer me up, Coach. If we signed Ray Lewis. This team was much better when it was stabbier. My socks told me that this morning.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.