Ocho And Marvin: Under One Roof! The Girlfriend Episode
In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Johnson into his home, in a spirited attempt to get both men to understand one another better.
Marvin: Chad! Chad, get down here! You’ve been lying in bed for weeks!
Ocho: I’ll be down a little later, Coach.
Marvin: Oh, no. Not while you stay at MY house. I want you down here right now.
Ocho: Fine. Whatever.
What do you want?
Marvin: As long as you live here, young man, you’re going to get up and be a part of this family. Lying around in your room all the time isn’t acceptable.
Ocho: Look, Coach. I’m gonna level with you. I think I’m suffering from impression.
Marvin: DEpression
Ocho: No. IMpression. As in I M depressed.
Marvin: That’s not how that term works.
Ocho: Nuh uh! That’s the original pig Latin!
Marvin: Whatever. Tell me why you’re down.
Ocho: I just feel like everything’s gone wrong the past few months, coach. You know, we lost all those games. And you didn’t know about this, but my girl left me a while back.
Marvin: She did? Oh, Chad. Chad, I’m really sorry.
Ocho: She was great. I feel like she really understood me. Like, when I told her that I liked socks, and that maybe we should make very large socks to put whole babies in, she was on board. And when I told her I don‘t believe in volcanoes, she agreed with me.
Marvin: Actually, Chad. That’s incorrect. Volcanoes do exist.
Ocho: Oh, please. Have you ever seen a volcano erupt?
Marvin: No.
Ocho: I rest my case.
Marvin: Chad, we live in Ohio. There are no volcanoes in Ohio.
Ocho: Oh, well isn’t that convenient? You know what I think? I think it’s a conspiracy. I think the CSI wants you to believe there are volcanoes, so you’re scared to go outside and find out what’s really going on. Because I ain’t EVER seen a mountain smoke up like that. And why would a mountain need to smoke up? IT’S ALREADY HIGH!
Marvin: Mountains don’t smoke weed, Chad.
Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t know that.
Marvin: Yes I do.
Ocho: You said it yourself! You said you’ve never seen a volcano. So how do you know that Mount Rushmore or some shit don’t like the occasional peace pipe? YOU EVER SEEN A MOUNTAIN CLIMBER? They all smoke up, man. They have beards and shit. That’s why they want to get to the top of the mountain, for that big mountain smoke. WHICH IS ONLY A LEGEND PERPERGATED BY THE CSI.
Marvin: Mount Rushmore doesn’t smoke weed.
Ocho: Agreed. But it could.
Marvin: No, it couldn’t.
Ocho: Yes, it could.
Marvin: No, it couldn’t.
Ocho: Yes, it could.
Marvin: No, it couldn’t.
Ocho: Yes, it could! Those four judges up there are just SITTING AROUND! What else are they going to do in South Carolina? You’re telling me Abe Lincoln ain’t packing a pipe under his crazyass hat?
Marvin: Okay, Mount Rushmore consists of four stone carvings of former US Presidents. They’re stone. Stone can’t move.
Ocho: Then you ain’t ever seen Fantastic Four 2.
Marvin: Jesus. Fine. Believe what you want. I just need you to get out of this funk and get back to helping out around here, and helping the team. You know we lost Housh yesterday.
Ocho: I KNOW! THAT WAS AWESOME!
Marvin: No, it’s not. Anyway, I need you to be extra dedicated now more than ever. So let’s work this out. Let’s figure out how to make you feel better.
Ocho: I don’t know, Coach. It’s tough without my girl. She was everything to me, man. I just feel like, if I had done things differently. Like, maybe if I had superpowers, she would come back to me.
Marvin: But you don’t have superpowers.
Ocho: But I could.
Marvin: No, you couldn’t.
Ocho: You don’t know that! What if I’m actually a member of the Fantastic Four 2? And I can turn into Mount Rushmore? And smoke weed? I feel like she would come back to me if she knew I could do all that.
Marvin: But you can’t. That’s not physically possible.
Ocho: See, I think that’s just a bad attitude to have. Why couldn’t I have superpowers? I feel like I could fly if I dedicated myself.
Marvin: You can’t.
Ocho: YOU’RE THE ONE TELLING ME TO WORK HARD!
Marvin: Yes, I’m telling you to work hard to so you accomplish things that are, you know, FUCKING ACTUALLY FEASIBLE.
Ocho: Well, I think being able to fly is feasible. There are tons of superpowers out there I could have if I applied myself. I could turn things into Chinese rice USING ONLY MY MIND. I could have a special computer that types things IN THE SKY. I could have a REALLY LOUD HANDCLAP. Like, a paralyzing clap. That would be great. Some white mountain climber guy would get in my face and I’d be like CLAP CLAP YOU DEAD.
Marvin: Again, none of those things are possible.
Ocho: I even got my superhero car figured out. It’s a special boat, WITH CARS ON IT.
Know what I call it?
Marvin: No.
Ocho: CAR BOAT. Ain’t no boat like that. I even wrote a song for it. Listen to this. (sings)
CAAAAR BOAT! THE BOAT WITH CARS!
DUN DUN DUN! CAR BOAT!
BAM! No one would fuck with Car Boat.
Marvin: Okay, that kind of boat already exists. It’s called a ferry.
Ocho: Man, I’m not talking about no gays! This is a fucking hardcore boat. Car Boat will dock a bitch. Know what I mean?
Marvin: Not FAIRY. FERRY. And ferries aren’t gay. They aren’t sexual entities. They’re inanimate. Inanimate objects aren’t gay or straight.
Ocho: No? Check this pen.
Tell me that pen isn’t gay. You know damn well that thing’s been in an asshole somewhere.
Marvin: It’s a pen. It’s not gay.
Ocho: But you don’t know that. For all you know, this pen could have smoked up with one of those gay mountains, and then they could have had gay mountain sex. WHICH WOULD NEVER HAPPEN ON CAR BOAT.
Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU ARE A FUCKING STUMP. I‘M TRYING TO PULL THIS TEAM TOGETHER AS IT’S FALLING APART, AND NOW I HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOU TRYING TO CONVINCE ME THAT FUCKING VOLCANOES DON’T FUCKING EXIST, DESPITE YEARS OF PHOTOGRAPHIC AND GEOLOGICAL EVIDENCE. YOU FUCKING RETARD. VOLCANOES EXIST, MOUNTAINS DO NOT SMOKE POT. AND YOU DO NOT HAVE FUCKING SUPERPOWERS.
Ocho: But I could! What if it turns out I was blasted with grammar rays, and now I can talk to sharks? OCHO CINCO: SHARK TALKER. It all makes sense when you factor in Car Boat.
Marvin: THERE IS NO CAR BOAT! YOU KNOW WHAT? GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM. THE WORLD IS BETTER OFF WITH YOU SEQUESTERED AWAY IN A GODDAMN ROOM, WHERE YOU CAN’T WASTE PEOPLE’S TIME WITH FUCKING GAY PENS, OR INVENTING FERRIES, WHICH HAVE ALREADY BEEN FUCKING INVENTED. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Ocho: I’ll tell you what would cheer me up, Coach. If we signed Ray Lewis. This team was much better when it was stabbier. My socks told me that this morning.
Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, car boat, CSI conspiracies, Dante's Peak: worst movie or worstest movie?, GOT A HEAD LIEK A FUCKING ORANGE, i too have never seen a volcano erupt, ocho and marvin, the black Karl Pilkington, volcanoes
March 3rd, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Weren’t car boats one of Springfield’s top exports?
March 3rd, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Did anyone else sing “car boat” to the theme from the old “Bat Man” tv show?
March 3rd, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Those were AQUACARS. Keep em coming, boys!
March 3rd, 2009 at 12:17 pm
I’m pulling for Springfield!
March 3rd, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Something tells me that Ocho already has the power of the clap on his side.
March 3rd, 2009 at 12:26 pm
1. When does Cedric Benson move in?
2. I’ve seen a volcano erupt. It fucking rocked.
March 3rd, 2009 at 12:30 pm
@UU
What else would I have sung it to???
March 3rd, 2009 at 12:33 pm
This is really funny.
March 3rd, 2009 at 12:34 pm
@Doc – and let’s not forget Knight Boat – “there’s ALWAYS a canal, or a fjord…”
@UU – wow…I totally did. I also tried Spider-man, and the theme from “Stretch Dude and Clobber Girl”
@Katni – HA! Hilarious…
@Mo – with any luck, he’ll be sucking behind Slaton in Houston
/two Simpson’s references in one post
//fail?
///nah…win
March 3rd, 2009 at 12:38 pm
oooo Ocho Cinco sighting! I didn’t know it would be an ocho kind of day!
March 3rd, 2009 at 12:53 pm
He is spot on this time. The pen is gay and very well could have been in Brady Quin’s asshole.
March 3rd, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Tell me that pen isn’t gay.
For once, Ocho is right.
March 3rd, 2009 at 1:06 pm
“Some white mountain climber guy would get in my face and I’d be like CLAP CLAP YOU DEAD”
God damn that was funny Drew!
March 3rd, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Everyone knows Professor Rubbermouth hails from Springfield!
March 3rd, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Ocho: Oh, please. Have you ever seen a volcano erupt?
Marvin: No.
Ocho: I rest my case.
I think we’ve finally discovered who writes Bobby Jindal’s speeches.
March 3rd, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Somewhere, Carl Everett is nodding thoughtfully.
March 3rd, 2009 at 1:15 pm
@Otto: Watch out, Utica!
March 3rd, 2009 at 1:19 pm
@ Matt’s: I will not hear another word against the boat.
March 3rd, 2009 at 1:19 pm
@Otto
Please…we’ve finally got a governor who’s worth a shit.
/most infamous Louisiana governor is currently wallowing in prison
March 3rd, 2009 at 1:20 pm
@Otto and SSB,
Springfield: A City on the Grow
March 3rd, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Please…we’ve finally got a governor who’s worth a shit.
You mean there’s another one besides the retard who spoke to the nation last week?
March 3rd, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Peter King’s gonna be pissed when he sees what Ocho’s done with his pen.
March 3rd, 2009 at 1:30 pm
When the governor you’re proudest of is (1) the one not in jail, (2) the one who took part in an exorcism, and (3) the one who’s most likely to win a Kenneth the Page lookalike contest … that’s just sad.
But he’s no David Duke. So … uhmm, congratulations on that, Louisiana.
March 3rd, 2009 at 1:37 pm
I know you fuckers don’t give a shit about NASCAR, but I think I have found NASCAR’s version of Peter King. It’s Jay Hart, one of the yahoo writers. You’ve got traffic complaints to open and then a resturant reference as well. Joe Rogers’ Chili…
http://sports.yahoo.com/nascar/news;_ylt=ArNcqGeP9Sxs2WEj0jiXHRnov7YF?slug=jh-happyhour030309&prov=yhoo&type=lgns
March 3rd, 2009 at 2:07 pm
The stupidest man in America contest has a new clubhouse leader: Stefan van den Abeelen of San Luis Obispo, CA. Why is he your new leader? Well, he wrote this to Peter King, per today’s MMQB: “I was curious if you … have ever been offered a job with any NFL franchise or the NFL itself. It seems that with the dedication to the game and the seemingly endless knowledge you have, teams would be eager to have a person like you in some kind of front office or scouting position.”
Are you fucking kidding me?
March 3rd, 2009 at 2:09 pm
You and your fancy garages.
What do you call it?
A Car hole.
March 3rd, 2009 at 2:12 pm
“I was curious if you … have ever been offered a job with any NFL franchise or the NFL itself. It seems that with the dedication to the game and the seemingly endless knowledge you have, teams would be eager to have a person like you in some kind of front office or scouting position.”
He forgot to add “SARCASM SARCASM SARCASM”
March 3rd, 2009 at 2:14 pm
To all y’all Jindal haters. Yeah, he does remind of Kenneth. He gave a terrible speech. But that’s not the whole story. He’s done some very good things for the state and he is competent. So don’t laugh, he may be your president one day.
March 3rd, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Oh, I forgot PK’s answer: ‘No. Never.’ I was too busy picking my jaw up off the floor to type it in. Sorry about that.
March 3rd, 2009 at 2:20 pm
So don’t laugh, he may be your president one day.
No, he won’t. Trust me on this.
March 3rd, 2009 at 2:22 pm
‘Car Boat will dock a bitch. Know what I mean?’
Awesome!
March 3rd, 2009 at 2:27 pm
“So don’t laugh, he may be your president one day.”
“No, he won’t. Trust me on this.”
Otto, allow me to play Devil’s advocate, but a lot of people said the same thing about Obama.
/not trying to start a PoFlaWa
March 3rd, 2009 at 3:04 pm
I agree with UU. This is no place for a PoFlaWa and, quite frankly, I don’t care.
This has to be one of the funniest Ocho and Marvin posts ever. And because I’m not all that bright, I originally sang the Car Boat theme to the Love Boat there. I did not enjoy it.
March 3rd, 2009 at 3:32 pm
In Ocho’s defense, that pen is pretty fucking gay.
March 3rd, 2009 at 3:36 pm
My fucking head hurts.
With Peter fucking me up on Monday, and Ocho fucking me up on Tues – I’m not sure I am competent enough to make it thru the week.
March 3rd, 2009 at 3:52 pm
Had Emmitt Smiff been shot with the grammar ray, he might still have a job.
And, think about this, Mt. Rushmore is already stoned. Am I right, huh, huh?
/Should have quit while is was a head
//Damnit, did it again
March 3rd, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Where did Ocho find a girl that could actually interact with him without wanting to suck off a gun?
March 3rd, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Seeing a new Ocho and Marvin was like Christmas in March. Thank you. Thank you so very, very much.
KSK has seriously brought the funny for the last few weeks, and I want to thank you.
/scared a few customers by laughing like a crazy person from the warehouse.
March 3rd, 2009 at 4:15 pm
@UU
“So don’t laugh, he may be your president one day.”
“No, he won’t. Trust me on this.”
Otto, allow me to play Devil’s advocate, but a lot of people said the same thing about Obama.
See also Bush, George W.
//also not trying to start a poflawa
March 3rd, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Let’s start a PoFlaWa!
/not trying to start a poflawa
March 3rd, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Dante’s Peak>Volcano
March 3rd, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Marvin gets pissed off when Chad plays the Lava Game in the living room. But it’s not a game to Chad.
March 3rd, 2009 at 10:06 pm
Marvin is no fun.
March 4th, 2009 at 12:05 am
chad needs to do monkey news
March 4th, 2009 at 5:19 am
Ocho and Marvin might be the best thing evar. It’s funny coz I can totally see Ocho Dicko saying shit like that.
March 4th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
This was the worst post ever.
March 4th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Ocho: Agreed. But it could.
Marvin: No, it couldn’t.
Ocho: Yes, it could.
Marvin: No, it couldn’t.
I jes’ love this shit.
\gets paper towels for cleanup